So…a final that looked like it would most likely end Harry-Chelsee-Jason going in ACTUALLY finished…well Harry-Chelsee-Jason, but wait, don’t stop reading yet, some stuff definitely happened.
Mostly a lot of VTs, but also stuff. Including a homoerotic Gladiator based showdance where the finallists are drawn in by pack-pros. It’s the only time all evening that either Harry or Pasha’s nipples are exposed. WHAT SORT OF NONSENSE FINAL IS THIS? Anyway, the stuff.
For starters, the reprises. The first round consists of Jason’s tango, Harry’s quickstep and Chelsee’s jive (with Pasha wearing only (well not only, sadly, but you get what I mean) the Shrek ears and a few green smears on his face, somehow even more inappropriate than the first time when he had the full make-up job), notionally the judges favourites of their dances. They’re all actually a little underpowered compared to the first time they were performed, although both the quickstep and the jive benefit from the Extra Bounce afforded to them by Blackpool. Harry gets his Perfect 40, Chelsee settles for 39 again, and Jason gets a 38.
Next up…the showdances. Aliona does a boring lift-fest with drums at the end, Pasha does a boring lift-fest on a disco theme which Chelsee shakes and stumbles through, and it’s left to Kristina to pull out all the stops and unleash a GURNING TSUNAMI with Jason at the centre, in the Hollins/Chambers tradition. Tragically Jason isn’t quite able to rise to the occasion, as his dancing is sloppy and out of time and tired. Still enough for the best showdance of the evening, and a perfect score, and enough to provoke a flurry of bets on him to win, crashign his odds in from 25-1 to almost 8-1 in places over the course of the show.
Sadly for Kristina it’s not enough, and they finish 3rd. At least she can console herself with the fact that she literally could not have done more for her celeb. Because the doctors advised against it. And me? I will never be smugger about the whole “Showdances Make No Difference” thing, because it is TROO AND YOU KNOWS IT!
Kristina’s first jaunt to the final out the way, it’s down to Chelsee vs Harry, and Pasha vs Aliona. But not before a bunch of filler VTs about journeys and who the public fancy and HEY REMEMBER WHEN RUSSELL GOT FIRED OUT OF THAT CANNON LOL. There’s also a group dance by the loser celebs, but it’s built around Robbie mostly, which is a decision that confuses me somewhat. Everyone else wanders around looking bored, there’s a few RUSSELL IS FAT jokes, and Nancy lurches out of her coffin spectacularly.
New dances? It’s an American Smooth for Harry vs a rumba for Chelsee. The American Smooth is very good, but who didn’t know Harry could do ballroom by now? A couple of awkward lift transitions mean it’s a 9 from Craig for an overall score of 39. Your opinion of Chelsee’s rumba I guess depends on how integrated you think her nerves (which are OFF THE CHARTS all evening) are into her performance. I guess I was too nervous for her at that point to take it as all being part of the show. Again, a 9 from Craig makes 39.
Final reprises are the Argentine Tango for Harry, and the Quickstep for Chelsee. Chelsee nails her quickstep, although the camerawork is a little all over the place, and the whole reason for Harry to reprise his Argentine Tango (to piss off Len…KARA STYLE) is ruined when Len decides he loves it and they get a Perfect Score for it. What was the BLAHDDY point of that then? I ask you…
The result? A McFly win, with Aliona’s obligatory Female Winner Pro Freak-Out WOEFULLY underpowered. Fortunately McFlea are there to make up for it, charging the dance-floor screeching like rabid gibbons and driven off by Bruce, possibly with a broom. He’s not my favourite winner, but he’s probably my favourite winner who I didn’t want to win. If you see what I mean.
Can we start lining up the ringers for Team Ka$ha next series already please? (Oh and get Craig some Alka-Seltzer? He was clearly hungover all evening, and I doubt Lulu’s After-Series Party is going to make things any better).