RIP Len’s Glans. (Poor Mrs Len)
We open on Kristina
doing her early 90s Madonna pose. Don’t judge her, she just wants to love, just like you do. I don’t know where she’s supposed to be.
Her own womb? These contemporary-ballroom mash-ups get more avant-garde every week. Then, her walls start quivering and
she pops out. Imagine that staring out at you as a proud father after watching your wife spend 7-8 hours puffing and panting. You’d need that gas and air wouldn’t you? Kristina finally pops out the birth-canal
in a swimsuit. Of course she does. It’s worse than that dancing baby from Ally McBeal. Anyway, this is a pro-paso to “Paint It Black” dressed mostly in erm…
neon pink. Thank God our Strictly male pros can be relied upon to dress appropriately sombrely for the occasion that such a magnificent song about occult midnight demands. Here they are
perfectly in sync with one another as ever. There’s lots of rolling around and fiddling with capes and twirling, ever twirling, and
God only knows what this is, maybe everyone just wanted a cuddle. It is getting cold out. At least Ola is helping James to get ready for their new careers
waiting tables and/or collecting coats, now that they have been CRUELLY SNUBBED from the tour. That or he’s a towel-rack in a gay sauna.
The end. I think. Unless Kristina wants to pop a little Twintina out of herself. Or whatever. Maybe it was Bruno
and he popped out mid-dance without any noticing. Well…you wouldn’t would you?
Anyway, after all that froo-fraw, here’s Tess
The stylists made this dress by scrounging through the BBC shredders the week after Remembrance Sunday when they’d got through a job lot of those tacky glittery poppies. Nothing says remembering your war-dead like vajazzaling a flower. Tess reminds us all that the semi-finals were full of drama, dancing, and a lame skit about the Famous Five. During this pre-amble the audience sit down from their standing ovation unbidden. What Tess doesn’t have to yell at them to sit down otherwise she’ll CLEAR THIS PLACE? How does that even work? She introduces to our judges, who will apparently be “illuminating” Blackpool next week. If by “illuminating” you mean “throwing up in the phone-boxes of following the after-series party” then yes Tess, yes they will. (DRUNK ALESHA 4EVA!)
And after them….
HERE’S CLAUDIA! Can you believe that she wasn’t in the Famous Five skit? She could have been their annoying prissy cousin who they learn to respect after she grows in courage during their adventures. Called Fanny. Or Vulva. Or Clitorina. Or whatever girls are called in Enid Blyton books. What do we have to look forward to this evening Claudia? Songs from Aloe Blacc (I wonder which one!) and the Military Wives (I WONDER WHICH ONE!). Oh and it’s time to say goodbye to “our fifth judge” as that hit I took out on Jennifer Grey finally gets fulfilled and Ian Waite comes to my Panamanian Stronghold to collect the bount…no? It’s just the last Len’s Glans? I hope it ends with them all precariously perched on the edge of the cliff, with a few remaining shreds of gold left, wondering if there’s any satisfying solution, just like in the Italian Job/Series 7. But first! Do you want to learn things? Learn things from a recap?
a) Len believes that was the best ever semi-final.
Len is, as ever, wrong. NOTHING beat the Denise-Jill-Aled paso off. NOTHING.
b) Harry pulled
more appropriate Charleston faces backstage than he did on the dance floor.
c) Alex was nervous before her waltz
d) Alex was nervous after her salsa
e) Len still think that “Chelsee Flower Show” similie worked
OMG, IT’S A WIG!
g) That comedy VT should have been “When Harry Met Holly”
if only for the comedy of the diner scene. “Woo, yeah, I am faking an orgasm. Now get off and buy me something”. I’ll have what she’s having. MONEY!
h) Holly couldn’t tell you how glad she was that the Charleston was over. No, really, she couldn’t, she was in an oxygen tent.
i) Hang on
I’ve accidentally left HAMELA’S GLANS on the camera.
There we go. Much better.
j) Len thinks that any three of the five remaining would make a fantastic final. Yeah, Alex vs Holly vs Jason would have been a RIOT. Alex would have spilled pink lemonade all over her frock then run off crying, Holly would have had a coronary after her showdance even though it mostly consisted of her dressed as Santa being pulled around by Artem as Rudolph, and Jason would have followed suit after it looked like he was about to win by default. Then we’d give the glitterball to Nancy, just cause.
Actually that does sound like a fantastic final. Carry on.
We’re going to have to wait a bit for our final Safety Sex-Faces of the series, as it’s time for Aloe Blacc with that song about needing a dollar, that makes me feel all Tory and want to yell “GET A JOB!”
No, not that sort of job. That’s right it’s the return of
SLAGGY NATALIE! (I dread to think what Brenda’s supposed to be holding her up with there) A flavour of Natalie that was sadly missing this year, given that Audley’s wife was apparently erm…yeah. That. Remember her first series? Remember the CHEMISTRY! Remember when Natalie was just a wanton temptress who was DESPERATE to win and who shook her blonde locks at all the boys from under her eyelids and was apparently “blatantly” shagging Ricky Nipple, you could JUST TELL. I miss that Natalie. Mostly for the scarves.
Anyway, Brenda’s hat is MORTIFYING, this song is overplayed, let’s move on.
To our final Safety-Sex faces of the series.
Polls open tomorrow people. Get ready to VOTE for your favourite. Tess mugs like she’s about to announce the last finalist halfway through the show. Nice one Tess, we ALL SO BOUGHT IT. Well…maybe Alex did.
Tess asks Alesha if she’s pleased Chelsee is in the final and if she, as someone who has BEEN HERE and DONE THIS and HAD CHELSEE’S JOURNEY ARC OF BECOMING A LADY WHILST HAVING NANS AND A STUPID LAUGH can give her any advice for the final. Alesha says she’s so pleased for Chelsee,
so very pleased. Her advice would be to get plenty of rest and eat lots of porridge and don’t at all turn up horribly hangover like she (allegedly) did. Although of course she still won LOL, IN YOUR FACE BRAT DI MANGLE-O. Tess hoots that they’ve got to do FOUR DANCE and Alesha snorts that she did five in her day when she was HERE AND DONE THIS. Oh Alesha, Duelling Viennese Waltzes does not.
Tess next asks Bruno what Harry & Aliona have to do to win. Literally nothing? Anyway, Bruno humours us all and says that Harry needs to go
TOTALLY NEKKED in order to win. Not really, he just waffles on about Harry needs to believe in himself and maintain his momentum. And also to NAIL IT! Poor Mrs Harry.
Here are our finalists now, up on Claude 9
I swear, if this is the ACTUAL Final Two it will be my favourite version apart from Series 5, which is saying something after this series was for most of it. Claudia asks Chelsee if she can believe it, and she says no, she cannot believe it. She asks Chelsee if she expected to be the first celeb to get a 40 this series, and Chelsee replies that she also did not expect that.
Hey, I said they were my favourites, I never said that they were articulate
Claudia asks Pasha for a clue as to what their showdance might be. Pasha’s clue?
“Funky”. Oh dear. I personally said a word that sounded very similar immediately after he gave that clue. I only hope the next “clue” isn’t “Chicken”.
Claudia asks Harry if he ever expected to get to Blackpool. Harry said that he never expected it, and he really just wanted to get through the first week
(*FACE OF HUMILITY*).
It’s amazing, he’s over the moon, he can’t believe it, it’s such an honour, huge thanks to Aliona, it’s been such a rollercoaster…is Rachbot giving out media relations training these days? Still, glad to hear she still has a career. Claudia closes by asking Harry if he’s ever been to Blackpool before. The answer is “yes”.
PULITZER TO CLAUDIA’S HOUSE, PLEASE!
Claudia next reminds us that next week the finalists will be performing the legendary Showdance, so next we’ll be watching the World Showdance Champions perform to inspire the pros, and awe the audience.
No we bloody won’t. I would do anything for Strictly, but I won’t do that.
Exactly. Yes, it’s that time again. It’s the final edition of…
LEN’S GLANS! Has it always looked that much like an actual…you know? I’ve mostly been tea-making in this segment to be honest.
First up we here Len SCREAMING his way through Harry’s Charleston. It’s the most unpleasant noise I’ve ever heard, and I work in a hospital. Think on that. Len
blathers on about how it was because it was just such an amazing and spontaneously joyful moment that he had to “relieve himself vocally” (*vomit*) and not at all just something they did to fill this increasingly torturous and irrelevant segment. He will also be surprised to hear that what a Charleston is about is “CAHMMIN AHT”. Unless you’re Colin Jackson, then you can jolly well stay in.
Claudia then asks Craig the question on the nation’s lips. Why did he give Jason a 10 for that Argentine Tango (*silent* when Mark, Rachel, Kara and Ricky Nipple all apparently didn’t deserve one, what are you, bonkers, or just attention-seeking*silent*). Craig says it was because it was incredible and then we all just look at his
Party Dance face instead, because not even Len’s Glans can withstand the gurning force of his Argentine Tango faces. And yes, that is very much “vicar has just spotted verger’s wife leaning a bit too far over the punch bowl” face, right there. DISCO-LATIN AHOY! Bruno giggles that he’s turning into Kylie. The sheer WRONGHEADEDNESS of making that statement in a segment devoted to how Jason is capable of moving his face is ASTOUNDING.
Bruno is next to pick a clip and he goes for the
amazing mimsiness of Alex’s run into that giant lift. It’s still amazing. Claudia gushes “DIRTY DANCING!” and yes, I remember that part of Dirty Dancing where Jennifer Grey
dug her fingernails into Patrick Swayze’s back and thought about pancakes and kittens and happy things. Next up
the love is gone from this marriage isn’t it? Please to notice how they are doing this WHILST HARRY IS DANCING. I mean I don’t expect them to sit there eyes-rooted, but at least the pretence that the marking has anything to do with them having watched the dance would be nice.
We next cover the highlights of the series. That’s right. It’s time for a RECAP OF THE RECAP SECTION. Jesus Christ, I am not adding another layer by recapping the recap of the recap section. That’s too much. Sorry, it JUST IS. (OK, I am slightly amused by Len saying that it’s so out of character for Ola to throw a strop. Did he watch her at all pre-series 7? I mean…I didn’t either, but STILL). (OK, and Bruno gripping Craig’s arms and cooing “you love hard rock don’t you?”)
We close on Len
pretending to Claudia that they have some extra secret bonus footage of Claudia to show on Len’s Glans this week, to round off the series. They don’t, it’s just another bloody Russell Grant montage. I was hoping for secret footage of her saying that Vincent has a tiny willy and that Katya’s breath smells like cat-food or something. You know, proper behind-the-scenes GOSS.
Craig and Bruno then start randomly saying how amazing Claudia is and she’s all
“yeah, too little, too late”.
Claudia now tells us that several months ago, some army wives answered an advert in the paper” to form a choir. If you want to see their videos then google “hardcore choir action – extra tromboning”. Meanwhile, if you want to see the very wonderful and tasteful Military Wives (EARLY 00s DEMI-OBSCURE IN THIS COUNTRY HISTORY-ORIENTATED ALT-ROCK REFERENCES AHOY!) here they are
OOOH! EMOGIRL 82 GOT A RIVAL! EMOGIRL82 VS EMOGIRL82! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!
Anyway, Flavia and Vincent are
right out front-and-centre dancing away from the off, not at all because despite being for a worthy cause (ie, making sure BixMix aren’t number 1 this Christmas) this song’s a bit worthy and dull. Still Gareth Malone’s there, let’s all ponder a Gareth & Flavia pairing for next year.
MUMVOTE APOCALYPSE! (nb : may not be actual size pairing)
Anyway, Vincent’s all
“NOT WHILST I’M STUCK WITH A NOLAN SISTER YOU BITCH!” and on that we end. At least the song’s fairly short.
Quick, let’s say one of them looks like a jungle creature so they can win X Factor next year!
Now? It’s time to say goodbye to our two LOSERS. No pre-execution last rites with Claudia, no stupid “I really hope I stay in, whichever this week is broadcast, ooh it’s been fulfilling/spooky/theatrical/Wembleyish (*delete as appropriate*) VT. This it. First to taste the axe is
Alex. Incidentally, either people in the audience don’t listen, or they’re shouting out the names of people they want to be eliminated, which would be considered tacky on DANCING ON ICE, let alone this show. Poor show, studio audience. Poor show. Tess gives her a big hug as she goes and Alex gives her her best
“ugh, why do I always have to hug Auntie Tess, she smells of chips” face right back. Tess asks her if she’s leaving happy, and Alex says that she is. She’s had an incredible time, thank you for having her, she really liked the balloons. When she’s old and grey (in 2081) she’ll look back on this time and think “yeah, that was a brilliant time”. Also, weren’t hair-styles funny back then in the old days? Speaking of which
THANKS JAMES! Every day they’ve laughed 80% of the time, and done Key Stage 2 Maths 25% of the time.
It’s been fantastic to meet all the other 13 celebrities and pro dancers (I’m…not looking forward to that Maths grade when it comes out) and everybody backstage has been amazing. Tess finally asks what her favourite thing about the show was, and she says “working with James”. He’s worked miracles, and done it in such a fun way. This one time he TOOK OFF HIS THUMB and slid it around and put it back on again OMG. James closes by saying that if there was an award for the “Most Improved Dancer” then Alex would have won it. BUT THERE ISN’T LOL BYE JAMES! NO GLITTERBALLS FOR YOU FOR ANOTHER YEAR!
Meanwhile Holly is so bored
she’s trying to make the shape of a rabbit in the Racist R2s spotlights. Can she go home now?
she can. Serial Killer Face Jason?
There we go.
Tess asks her first if she’s proud of having made the semi-final. Holly replies that she’s just proud that she’s been part of the most succesful series of Strictly so far. She’s so glad that she turned down that invite to be a judge on X Factor now (LOLCANYOUIMAGINE?). The British Public have been amazing, this is further than she could ever have imagined getting, yadda yadda.
Tess asks her what her favourite part has been, and Holly says that apart from working with the best choreographer she’s ever seen in her life
(WHAT, BETTER THAN WHOEVER DONE THE KISS KISS VIDEO?) it’s been making a whole load of new friendships she can take forward with her in life. Tess then asks Artem if he has anything to say. He says he does – he’s so proud of Holly, even though he knows he’s harsh on her in training, and never compliments her
AS HE SHOULD, HE KNOWS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH INTERNET. WHAT, HE STOPPED SLOUCHING FOR YOU AND STILL YOU’RE NOT HAPPY! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM HIM! HE’S JUST BEING HIM! ARTIE C! *BURSTS INTO TEARS* ARTEM CRIES! HOLLY CRIES!
It’s always the ones you least expect. (Except Artem)
HERE’S YOUR FINAL THREE, BRITISH PUBLIC!
GAZE UPON THEM AND…feel vaguely proud you didn’t vote Robbie in there?