Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 11 Performance

Two dances. Two eliminations. Two Charlestons. Two Argentine Tangos. Two many comedy VTs. Twoba toothpaste.

Previously on Strictly : Movie Night graced us with its presence. Chelsee acted like aristocracy, Harry acted like a rough-necked thief, Jason acted like a movie-star, and Alex acted like a streetwise hooker, and yet still the most outlandish performance of them all was

I CARE!

Holly acting like she cared about the scores. OH MY GOD SHE WAS SO MOVED. (Nothing at all to do with her boyfriend promising to buy her a Greek island if she got one). In sad news however, this week we saw the passing of a Strictly great. That’s right,

*voom*

someone got a cigarette too near to Anita’s hair in that fleapit XXX cinema she’s always hanging out with Robin in and…*sniff*…her Bertie Bassett dress couldn’t be saved. WE’LL ALWAYS MISS YOU BERTIE BASSETT DRESS! At least she missed Robbie’s salsambcha as a result. (Remember when Len said he was the best footballer ever to be on the show? Right at the very beginning? Let’s do that poll now)

Tonight : Harry says “OMG!”. I think that’s enough to be going with for one previews section don’t you? He’s also

EXTRA MAYOOOOOOOO

still missing that giant sandwich. Oh and Holly is still

*ROLLIES*

having a fabulous time. TEAM LAZY RICH BITCH WHO DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT EXCEPT WHEN IT’S PASO ROLLING HER EYES ALL THE WAY TO THE FINAL PLEASE! I can’t help wishing she’d used her royal connections with Princess Hatface to score Prince William. I might actually have watched that Royal Wedding. I bet her mobile would have gone off half-way through the vows. So moving.

LIVE!

which way?

I like to think Artem’s thinking “WRONG ARM! LAZY COW!”. But then I like to think that a lot.

To the studio now, and there’s no time to waste with pro-dances or anything, because it’s time for two dances and a DOUBLE ELIMINATION! Speaking of which

*poop*

Tess looks like she’s right in the middle of one of those now. Semi-Final Velociraptor Dance?

*SHRIEK*

Can we make it a Triple Elimination please? Tess certainly seems to be of the

*doof*

same mind. Once she’s unhitched from the grabby hands of Bruce, he yells “THAT’S SEE-THROUGH, THAT IS!” at her. Well that’s this week’s in-depth stylist’s section on It Takes Two out the window then. He’s covered all the points they were going to make, and in a marginally more articulate fashion.

“Niceterseeyer” yields

MCFLYTRICK!

a full compliment of McFleas. Shouldn’t Dougie be wearing a crown, as King Of The Jungle? Or at least a tiara? Tess reminds us all that it’s two dances being performed tonight, and we’re also having two eliminations, before next week’s final in Blackpool. Ah Blackpool. Who’s from nearest there? Chelsee? Isn’t it about time she started milking that connection? Come on Chelsee, it’s like you don’t even WANT to win. Bruce announces that he’s feeling nostalgic because it’s their last night in this studio.

Awwww....

AWW! Its four walls have seen so many things over the years. The Vordarumba. Guest Host – Ronnie Corbett. Jan Ravens hoping Craig was happy. The nuclear quantities of cling-film that had to be put over Arlene’s chair in Ramps’ series. And Gethin’s. And Austin’s. Lisa’s Perfect 80. Jade breaking her knee open and ruining her entire career. Darren Gough winning. Dominic Littlewood grabbing Lilia’s arse. Dummy Dance. Snowdance. Widdy saying Latin dancing was the work of the devil and everyone who danced it was forever tainted in God’s eyes. Len telling Kelly to shut up and stop being such a lazy cow as her dad lay dying…

So many memories. Still, Alesha done a few nice waltzes and stuff, and Ola yelled MASHED POTATOES so it all balances out in the end.

I do love that a comedy segment about Bruce’s Strictly memories ends on a shot of

Who?

this man who, if there were a question on Pointless about Strictly contestants, would probably finish in the minus figures. HEY, REMEMBER WHEN HE AND NICOLE CUTLER DID THE…ERM…WALTZ? YEAH! CLASSIC! WILL LIVE FOREVER! UP THERE WITH AUSTIN’S PASO!

Tess starts yelling about how there’s going to be DOUBLE THE DANCES! DOUBLE THE FEAR! DOUBLE THE TISSUES! SHALL WE UNLEASH THEM BRUCE? Bruce looks like

UNLEASHED!

he thinks they’re half unleashed already.

The stars of our show are UNLEASHED and

I'M A VERY PRETTY GIRL.

Pasha’s skirt-playing has reached epidemic levels. No Pasha, you wouldn’t look good in a dress. Trust me. Some faces just don’t take to drag.

This week’s denizen of Starship Karen :

Tah-dah

It’s FERN BRITTON! Remember how I didn’t recap last year’s Christmas Special because I found most of the people on it intolerable? Yeah. That.

A Nice Young Man & A Nice Young Lady (In Her Pants) dancing the Charleston

*waves*

I love that Wardrobe go to the trouble to add the little detail of that tie-pin, but still can’t go a week without producing a dress that doesn’t assault the female dancers’ ankles like a rabid Pekingese. Bruce jokes that apparently Harry came to him to ask him how he’s getting along with his dancing. Because that’s the first person I’d ask. Apparently Bruce told him that his footwork’s alright

Shocking

but his arms aren’t quite claw-like enough, and his pre-historic screeching needs work. The audience’s however…does not? ZOMG IT’S HARRY MCFLEA! MY OVARRIEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!

VT time now, and the Strictly Come Dancing WHEEL OF NERVTH this week has landed on Harry

SO NERVOUS! Mmmm...sandwich

look how nervous he was before his rumba last week. LOOK! HIS ICKLE FACE! Etc etc. He says that he knew there was no room for error, as there’s now 6 dancers left (including DANCE GIANTS Alex Jones and Robbie Savage, as well as VOTE MAGNET Holly Valance) and only 5 berths left in the semis. There really was every chance he’d go out if things went wrong, definitely. But fortunately…they didn’t hooray! I mean, it was still a

BLOKE

BLOKERUMBA, but what can you do? Anyway, he was so happy he was

COME OOOOON!

TIM HENMAN FIST-PUMPing all over the place. It’s like he wants to go out randomly in the semis isn’t it? Still, Harry grumbles that with all that they were still only 4th on the leaderboard so they had to rely on the public vote to get them through. Aliona reveals that when they got through she screamed, and Harry jokes that he did the loudest silent scream he’s ever done. Well…except when he found out he was partnered with Aliona.

Hmmm....

Remember that? Remember when it seemed like they were going to hate one another? Ah the days. Now look at the co-dependency.

I NEED YOU, NEVER LEAVE ME

It’s like a mirror of most of the audience’s relationship with Chelsee Healey.

Training now, and Harry’s dancing the Charleston and the Viennese Waltz. So naturally the music people sound-track his initial training footage with the Bee Gees. I’d like to think that’s some sort of commentary on the music choices this year. Harry interviews that it’s tricky, because they’re both very different dances. So much easier when only one of them is very different from the other, I find. Anyway, it turns out that Harry is quite rubbish at the most important aspect of dancing this year

*tweak*

that’s right, nipple-location. Down and outwards Harry, down and outwards. I’m willing to help out if you’re still having trouble. Ahem. All of this, combined with the fact that Aliona is apparently toying with making the dance a choreographic tribute to

DURNER DURNER DUH DUH

David Brent, means that Harry is in dire need of help this week. LOOK AT THE WORRY!

Ooooh Chelsee, I int half miffed

(does anyone else want to edit in that scarf-thing from last week just to make this picture as flamingly gay as possible?) So why not

Dunn dunn durrn dun dun dun

do a Comedy VT where he spies on Chelsee in training? Bless him, he’s so committed, he even makes the little “kkkt” noise at the beginning of each broadcast himself. That’s commitment.

To the dance-floor and

So naval

it’s apparently a naval-themed Charleston to “I’m Just Wild About Harry”. Given that all of McFlea are finally all here at the same time, I wish they’d got to play him round with this song. With Dougie on vocals, natch. Can we at least have them perform him through his no-doubt Aliona approved BIZARRO American Smooth in the final? I was always sad that we never got to see Sabrina sing Alesha round the floor whilst Su-Elise…I dunno jumped in a mirror or whatever it was that Su-Elise did. (MIS-TEEQ JOKES! TOPICAL AND HUMOROUS!)

Anyway, of course, having spent the series whining about how I much prefer the looser, jazzier Charlestons to the wilder silly-faces version, I’m now getting one of the former and…it’s kind of boring. I feel like such a hypocrite. Harry tries to do

Faces?
Maybe?
I think?

some faces, I think, but it’s mostly more subtle and mature and…I dunno, it took a while for me to warm up to Harry’s personality this series and stop finding him a bit staid and predictable, and this Charleston is kind of the same. Maybe if it too had lasted 6 weeks I’d have started to warm up to it. Maybe not.

SALUT!

Still, emogirl82’s getting to sing jazz, which she’s clearly enjoying as much as ever, so that’s nice.

It gets a Standing Ovation and up on the Tessanine

*sigh*

*sigh*, even Brenda’s taken to rubbish hat wearing. Katya really needs to whip these boys into shape and fast. Bruce welcomes Harry over, yelling “THEY’RE JUST WILD ABOUT HARRY!” in reference to the audience, and then very quickly introduced Davearch’s Fabulous Orchestra and

MAN IN THE HAT, GROWING IT OUT!

The Man In The Hat. I found out what his “real name” was on It Takes Two this week. I haven’t felt so disillusioned since Family Fortunes told me that Santa wasn’t real when I was 5. And you wonder why I’m all so cynical. I also found out

LENTHMA GORDDMNATH

Len’s real-name, but it’s as unpronounceable as the names of all the Old Ones. Family Fortunes never told me about Cthulu, that’s for sure. Bruce jokes that they’re all getting ready for the long bus ride up to Blackpool. Craig will be watching DVDs (LOL at the idea of the BBC springing for a bus you can watch DVDs on. They’ll be lucky if it has wheels), Len will be reading a book (LOL at the idea of Len reading), Alesha will be reading magazines

DRUNK ALESHA 4EVA!

(LOL at the idea of Alesha doing other than necking red wine and flashing her bum out the window, DRUNK ALESHA 4EVA!) and Bruno will be singing “The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round” for 6 hours solid. Dressed in his outfit from the I’m Still Standing video obviously.

Oh, guess what, we’ve only got time for one comment on a Harry & Aliona routine. And guess who they’ve decided it’ll be from?

FIRST CHOICE!

YEAH, EXACTLY WHO I WOULD HAVE CHOSEN! He liked Harry’s dancing and Aliona’s tits. THANKS LEN! He’s always been wild about Harry (so, so true) and that’s not changed. If his Viennese Waltz is as good as that was, he’ll be in the final. Len, if his Viennese Waltz is as good as Dan Lobb’s is, he’ll be in the final, let’s be real here.

Up to the Tessanine they prematurely trot, where Tess is obviously left bereft, cut adrift from her usual tactic of repeating what Bruno said and trying to twist it into the form of a question. Instead she’s stuck praising him for getting a Standing Ovation (ZOMG!) and asking if he can believe he’s only one dance away from being in the final. Harry says that he can’t believe that he’s made the semis, let alone the finals! Everyone left are such talented amazing people and they’re all

What?

clearly really interested in what he has to say. THANKS HARRY! Tess asks if he thinks his Viennese Waltz maintains that standard, and Harry humbles in reply that he can only do his best. SO Middle-class. I heard an interview this week where he compared training to dance to perfecting your golf-swing. Tom Chambers is practically ITV compared to this guy… Scores are in

Woo!

39.

This Year’s Queen Of The Valleys & James Jordan, dancing the waltz

VALLEY QUEEN!

She so is though. I mean, I can see them from here. Bruce announces that Alex is nursing a painful irritation this week – she had to talk James down off the ledge, give him some hot chicken soup (after she got a grown up to turn the oven on), and then nurse him through the tears, psychologically, after he got beaten by a girl in the BogieFogie Challenge. This has left her only one day left for dance training this week. HOW WILL SHE COPE?!

If only she’d got Dr Hamela in to help with that last bit.

Woo!

A QUICK PRESCRIPTION OF HOURLY MASTURBATION THERAPY AND HE WOULD HAVE BEEN BACK ON HIS FEET IN NO TIME!

Anyway, per Bruce, she’s going to be dancing “in the Welsh Way” eg “Caerphilly”. Craig Joke Face?

L.O.L. DAHLING

HOORAY!

VT time now, and Alex says that last week everything was looking lovely. Her dress was lovely, the story (about a hooker who gets bought a sparkly necklace) was lovely, James was being lovely (ish)…but then she got her heel caught in her dress OH NO. She blesses the judges for being really nice to her about it, because it was an utter mess and they really could have marked her down. Welcome to the quarter-finals Alex. It only gets…more so, from here on out. Alex reveals that she didn’t expect to get through…and then she did!

Woo!

She hasn’t been this shocked since Dr Who somehow managed to save the Universe against all the odds again. She was so scared of those mean old Daleks but he somehow found the magic button to press to blow them all up! Again! PHEW!

Training now, and

BLEURRRGH

James is getting as much torture in as he can before Alex goes back to her parents. She’s not coming down til she tells him he’s prettier than Artem. Whilst she cleans the sick off her top, James tells us all that their two dances this week are the waltz (fine, nice, easy Week 1 dance) and

Ooof

oh, shit, they’ve got to do Latin as well. Oh well. Alex is keener though, saying that they’re going to be dancing to a song called “1,2,3,4”

I CAN COUNT DEAD GOOD

and she can count up to 100, do you want to hear her do it? Do you? Do you? Go on! Then she’ll do up to ten in French. A man on the bus taught her. In practice though, her counting itself gets somewhat out of control after 3. I’m not even making that bit up. Oh, ALEX.

Apparently she and James have a thing where the other contestants are “The Gladiators”

ARE YOU A GLADIATORRRRRR?

Yes, those classic gladiators : Drone, Cardigan, Sloth, and Boobs. Then again, I would probably quite enjoy watching Harry navigating some Atlaspheres… Anyway, James wants Alex to start thinking of herself as one of the Gladiators so

WALLOP!

they both get dressed up in muscle-suits and whack one another with giant cotton-buds. I’ve got a feeling that, if Alex makes her own personal tape of her best bits, finally repeatedly pummeling James in the face after months of screaming and torture would feature heavily. It’s like the end of Deathproof.

Eeep

Poor James, he hasn’t been flat on his back with his own pole in his face since Brenda last came round for tea. (HI-OH!)

To the dance-floor now and…GLADIATOR…READY?

Derp

Not really. She’s out of hold for about 5 seconds at the beginning, and has to walk in time with the waltz rhythm of the music (“Natural Woman”) (Incidentally I like the idea of James Jordan being the key to anyone’s piece of mind. I imagine that would be an especially rusty and intricate and unique lock…). I think it’s safe to say that this is enough.

Nice splay as well

Nice arm-hankies though. Coral. Means she’s a foot-licker. Let’s face it, probably her own after she’s trod on her morning toast. She tries to look dreamy and transported but it’s more like

Zzzz

she’s OD’d on the Calpol. Other than that it’s quite sweet, for a farewell dance, and less mistake-prone than her American Smooth. It probably would have been fairer to have started with her salsa (and it might also have tamped down the overmarking a tad) but well done Alex. Speaking of which

Cree-Pea

does anyone like it when they do this in a waltz? Where they’re not in hold, or even pretending, just doing the rotation and nothing else? Because it CREEPS ME OUT. Ahem.

FIN

THE END.

Up on the Tessanine

I THINK I'M READY NOW

Holly beckons for her helicopter to come and pick her up. She’s bored now. It gets a standing ovation, and when Alex arrives at Bruce, he tells her that she’s turned into a natural dancer. Well done Bruce, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Alesha starts for the judges

*jingle jangle jewellery*

wearing even more gew-gaws than usual, and tells Alex that it’s such a shame she’s doubted herself up til now, because dancing like that is why she’s in the semi-final, and it would have been great to see stuff like this from the start. Well, yes, having a dance-partner who tells you went home and cried about how shit you are will do that to a girl. Bruno follows, telling Alex that she really is the belle of the ball. I wonder who the bell-end would be?

It’s a rhetorical question by the way. Poise, grace and lovely spins.

Craig follows, and unfortunately needs to inform Alex that she lost her neck on occasion. Bruce checks her out to make sure it’s still there now. I guess it makes a pleasant change for Bruce to be looking that high up on a woman’s figure. Neat distraction work there Craig. She missed some closes moving forward on her heels, and it was kind of crap but hey, still much better than she used to be! Len closes by saying she looked beautiful and she “danced beautiful” and he tells her that she fully deserves to be here in this semi-final (*cough*and no further*cough*)

Up to the Tessanine they look out on the morning rain (SHA-WOOP) where Tess asks her if, four months in, she feels like a Natural Dancer? Alex replies

Bawwwwwwwwwwwwww

bawww no, I’m a girl, I’m not allowed to think I’m any good, I have to get the boys to tell me that *doe eyes*. She thanks James for working tirelessly, and it’s been a shock to them both that they’ve lasted until the semi-finals. I do kind of love that James has had Cherie Lunghi with her beautiful ballroom (and rumba) and Gabby Logan and Zoe Lucker, both of whom were natural talents from the off, and this is still his second best finish ever. Tess asks Alex if it’s been tough learning two dances this week and Alex says she’s tried really hard because she knows it’s probably her last week. Her salsa though

HERP

is erm…yeah…LOOK FORWARD TO THAT ONE. And that’s just her thinking about the costume, never mind the dance. Scores are in

Wheee!

34

Austin’s Niece, out for SEMI-FINAL REVENGE & *faints* dancing the American Smooth

Whoop!

Bruce hypes up that last week was the first time a donkey’s appeared on the Strictly dancefloor (*thinks back to those rumours about Gethin Jones*…)

VT now and Chelsee talks about how the pressure was really on last week with their jive. Well quite. Can you imagine if they’d been dressed like this

(*phew*)

and been crap? It would have made DummyDance look like a day at the seaside. As it was, it was their best performance yet, Len offered up his walnuts for pickling and, by the looks of it,

Hurgle flurgle

so did Bruce. Poor Chelsee. Chelsee gushes that she thought she’d be out Week 1 (you and half the Internet dear) so to be still in and dancing in the semi-finals is a dream come true.

Training now, and Chelsee reveals to us that her two dances are the paso doble and the American Smooth. The American Smooth being a dance about a princess, and the paso doble about being a strong “feisteh” woman. Or, if you will

Tweet tweet

an Angry Bird.

TEE HEE!

Pasha remonstrates with Chelsee for being on her iPhone again, and probably contravening about 50 BBC laws about product placement as she does so. How is she going to debase herself to make this up to the BBC? What a silly question. The answer?

The Eternal Answer

THIS. It’s part of a reversal of Harry’s earlier VT, with Chelsee this time spying on him, in the guise of “maintenance” who have come to “check on his lights”. You know the only reason Aliona doesn’t take this as a cue to change their Charleston to be a tribute to tragic trans Brandon Teena is that Brenda already got there with Bloody Lulu.

THIS IS HOW I SEE ME!

NEVER 4GET THE TRAGIC STORY OF DANDAN!

Anyway Chelsee is undercover as a lights tech and of course

*ring ring*

so committed she can’t even leave her bloody phone behind to film a Comedy VT. My heart feels for Pasha ever more. Come Pasha, I will hug you, and make it better. Anyway, Boy-Chelsee tells Harry that Jason is “his favourite” and Aliona is

SHOCK

APPALLED! HOW RUDE! To be fair, thanks to Bruce, “you’re my favourite” is now an insult on par with “your mother has a face like herpes”, so it’s fair enough that she’s shocked.

To the dancefloor!

Here it is!

Where Chelsee is wearing powder-blue and dancing to “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper & That Man Who Sings Time After Time Who Nobody Remembers. Wake me up when someone jives to She-Bop. Let’s face it, it’ll probably be Flavia. Anyway, we open with a

SHITAAKE!

Giant Flying Shitaake Mushroom moment, which is always nice as an American Smooth opener. Speaking of nice openers in an American Smooth

[PICTURE OF PASHA FROM BEHIND REDACTED]

The dancing itself is rather sweet for the most part. It’s probably the most confident I’ve seen her look in ballroom and she’s doing her best to look

So needy
So in love

confused and reliant. If she’s trying to look like a princess it’s probably Princess Margaret after a night on the gin where she can’t find her car-keys and needs her foot-man to rummage round in her dashboard. But…you know…less wobbly. We’re just talking about the face here. Bless Pasha for his literal choreography as well.

Oops

LOOK! SHE HAS FALLED BUT HE CAUGHT HER, BECAUSE HE WAS WAY-TEN (TIME AFTER TIME). It’s not quite that giant CGI rainbow bursting out of Felicity Kendall’s nethers at the end of her rumba, but it’ll do. Sadly there’s a running splits that goes a bit

herp

not…but really everyone other than Natalie Lowe should really just leave that move up to her shouldn’t they? SHE OWNS IT. They recover with a nice long gently spinning left at the end and

Very...erm...hands

my those are quite large hands aren’t they? Sorry, what, the dance? Very well done, the end.

It gets a Standing Ovation and of course Bruce yells at her to LOOK AT THE PEOPLE!

*shrug*

Eh, they’re alright. No Mysterious Blurry Handsome Man though (OLD-SKOOL MONKSEAL SHOUT-OUT!). Bruce also tells her that he liked that merry-go-round thing she did at the end, and then mocks her accent some more.

OOOP NORRRRF

Sometimes he just shouldn’t speak should he?

Bruno starts, and tells Chelsee that she has a natural shine.

MY EYES

Oh Bruno, there’s nothing natural about that shine. That’s ALL on make-up. She dances like a glowing pearl, and her upper body fluidity is extraordinary. Well that balances out with my lower-body fluidity whenever I’m watching Pa[JOKE REDACTED]. She changes from slow to fast to slow again in a way that it took trained dancers like him years to learn. He particularly had problems with the “to slow” part. I’m guessing. Once Bruno pops, he just can’t stop. What a shame she got stuck on the splits though.

Craig follows, and tells her that her arms are exquisite, and she’s wonderfully elegant for someone so vertically challenged.

Wha?

Yeah, I think they’re both going to need a translation on that one. Craig explains that it means “short”. I think if you ever need an illustration of the linguistic failings of Political Correctness there it is. Anyway, unfortunately, he didn’t like the shoulder-lift : he thought it was ugly. That means…erm…”ugly”. Oh and it felt a bit rushed and the splits went wrong. Oh well.

Len follows, saying she was

Awww

like the Chelsee Flower Show. Full of lovely moments, in bloom, with her daffodils were blowing in the breeze. Don’t be mean to the girl Len, she already had to worry about that in her tango.

Up to the Tessanine they unwind, and Tess asks her if she had any nerves out there. Chelsee says she did. And she’s still shaking now. Tess says that everyone’s nervous tonight, she can really feel the tension radiating up in her Tessanine. Not necessarily from

*twitch*

one particular source or anything. She asks Chelsee if she can believe she’s within touching distance of the final. She says no. She asks Chelsee if she’s having a great time. She says yes. It’s like Frost-Nixon isn’t it? Scores are in –

SCORES!

36

Facially Beige & Artem Chigvintsev dancing the Argentine Tango

Here they be

Nothing says Argentine Tango like “Mrs Meers in a local rep production of Thoroughly Modern Millie”. Anyway, Holly has been doing some modelling this week. She was photographed covered head to toe in gold paint. No reason, she just wanted to show off. That paint wasn’t just gold-coloured. Apparently Holly asked Bruce what he’d do if he saw her covered head to toe in gold paint. I think the more pertinent question Holly is

S-A-F-E

what would the paramedics do?

VT now, and Holly says that she felt like she was really fighting for her place in the competition with her paso last week. And she

LOVED IT

LOVED IT! She loved swishing her skirt, and she loved stomping her feet, and seriously, the zeel behind Holly’s eyes is terrifying. Normally I’m just used to seeing a vague interest to maybe have some chocolate soon. She gushes that she got 10s, and she has never got 10s before before for anything in her life. Certainly not her acting. We close on her grinning

*grin*

that she’s just made it into the semi-finals and ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN.

Marvellously, my friends the music department follow this statement by cueing up “Don’t Hold Your Breath” by Nicole Schwarzenegger. Amazing. Holly says that she’s got two really tricky dances this week – the Argentine Tango and the Charleston, and she’s finding it really difficult. Artem murmers something about them being behind schedule on what he wanted them to do and we get a full-on

BOO HOO BOO HOO

PROPER MELTDOWN. Either that or she couldn’t be arsed to say her scripted lines loud enough. It is Holly. Anyway, if she is really sad, she should chin up. That’s a really nice coat. REMEMBER THAT HOLLY! WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOUR BOYFRIEND WILL ALWAYS BE THE RICHEST! Fortunately Holly bucks herself up, in my own personal favourite coping mechanism

woo hoo

: ruining every one else’s life even worse. HOORAY. She greases up Harry’s shoes, changes Alex’s Waltz music to

mwahaha
WHAT?

SOMETHING APPROPRIATE AND SUITABLE FOR THE DANCE OH MY GOD THE BITCH, stabs Chelsee

STABBITY STAB

(a bit too far with that one Holly, a bit too far…), and finally, and most dastardly of all, she opens the curtains on Jason’s midnight training sessions, exposing the full moon through the window so his full werewolf transformation

BA-WOOOOOO

CAN BEGIN!

MWAHAHAHA!

To the dance-floor and

PLONk

yeah, I wouldn’t expect her to move much from there throughout to be honest.

whee!

WHEE! LOOK AT HER GO! I swear, if Holly Valance had managed to somehow conspire with Artem to produce an entire dance where she was sat on her arse she would be my hero. And Stephanie Beacham’s. And Matt Di Angelo’s. Sadly she has to get up at some point.

*LURCH*

See? When she does, it’s not a bad Argentine Tango, but her lower limbs are still very heavy and leaden, and she’s being a little too coquettish for my tastes. Still, I do love the bits on the chair.

WHEE!

I’m going to enlist somebody’s help in the office tomorrow with my swivvel-chair and we’re going to declare ourselves the new Vincent & Flavia. Watch out for our showcase next year! We’re also doing a Theatre Tour called 2PM Tango : Waiting For The Tea To Brew. Oh and by the way Artem

(*doof*)

that’s for running off in Saw : The Ride crying like a baby and leaving me to deal with all those out-of-work actors alone. IT WAS A HORRIBLE VISION OF WHAT HER FUTURE COULD HAVE BEEN IF SHE’D NOT FOUND A RICH BOYFRIEND. OH THE HUMANITY.

Clunk

THE END!

It gets a Standing Ovation, and Artem gives her the full

KARAKLAP

Kara-Klap, but DOUBLED. I think Holly’s face reads “what the fuck are you doing you big woobie-wuss, get back over here now”.

Craig starts for the judges, calling it quiet, controlled, seductive (in a “vaguely horny, yet still bored, secretary” kind of way I guess…). He loved the story, and how she was responding completely to Artem’s lead. Artem’s all

WHOOP!

“I KNOW! FINALLY SHE DOES WHAT I SAY! WITHOUT SLAPPING ME FIRST!” Len follows by saying that he’s not really a lover of props and things, but he thought the chair-stuff worked really well. It was clever (*paging Karen Hardy* HE STOLE YOUR WORD!) and clean, and watching this semi so far, he’s found it hard to believe that all these celebrities are beginners. To be fair Len, they have been doing it for nearly four months now, calm down.

Alesha follows saying that she was agog at how stunning her

What a lovely lunge it is

lunge was. I know her dress was quite revealing Alesha, but you couldn’t quite see her…oh, right, “lunge”. Carry on. Alesha follows by saying that she doesn’t think Holly’s been given enough credit – last week and tonight show she’s a real contender. Yeah, alright, there’s still Charleston to come yet…

Bruno closes that he liked the concept

*meow*

which is a surprise to me, because he can barely keep himself in his fucking seat. Maybe he admires her restraint in not jumping up in the middle singing “You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)” and gyrating round like a Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur. Anyone he groans on like a dirty perv about the promise of Holly’s vagina, or whatever. Oh yeah, and the dancing was alright as well.

Up to the Tessanine they go (I wish Artem had hauled her up sat on the chair with guide-ropes, like a mountaineer. I wish she’d ridden down the stairs on for her Charleston like a kid riding a tea-tray down the stairs. Sod Artem, Sod Brenda, Holly had more chemistry and passion with that chair than she has with any man on this show), and

WTAF?

I’m sorry, as much as I’d love to listen to whatever Tess is waffling on about…why is Alex in a flasher mac? With a very large straggly gray merkin underneath it? How bonkers is their salsa going to be? Is she smuggling the Psammoyad under there or something? Why does she have wispy vagina tentacles? Is their salsa a tribute to hentai? I think the reality is going to be a sad let-down… Erm…Holly’s very glad to still be here, she found training to be a bit overwhelming and cried a bit because she’s not a professional dancer, Artem says that the pros sometimes cry as well

lol

yeah Artem, some more than others… Scores are in –

...

36. Very much the smiles of people who weren’t expecting 10s, definitely not, never would, obviously, but if they had got some that would have been GREAT.

Jason Dadovan & Kristina Rihanoff dancing the samba

woooo!

Definitely neither of them over-doing it in the expressive stakes because they were Bottom 2 last week, definitely not. Neither of them. In any way. Bruce tells us that Jason will be doing his samba tonight to a very famous Michael Jackson track. Given the song choices this year, it will probably be Earth Song. WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO THE SAMBA? LOOK WHAT THEY’VE DONE! It’d feature Kristina as Gaia and him as a sad elephant. Hopefully Holly would run on halfway through and waft her arse at it. Maybe knock over a child.

Anyway, this prompts a

BRAIN BLEACH PLEASE NURSE

Brucie stripper-dance to Blake It On The Boogie. Which I would find disturbing if I’d not seen him do the same thing to “Do You Think I’m Sexy?”. This is NOTHING in comparison. That was Vietnam, this is a playground dust-up over Pogs. He tries to moonwalk at the end. It looks like he’s scraping dog-dirt off his shoes and can’t find a convenient step.

VT now and we’re reminded that last week Jason tried to imitate Gene Kelly and ended up more like

I'VE GOT YER FILE DEAR

Jean Kelly, from Medical Records. Her back’s been playing up something chronic. Jason says it felt like it was going to be amazing all round. Great comments, great scores but then he was in the bottom two and he felt like crap whilst Kristina

Boo hoo

cried like she was on X Factor. Can you imagine Kristina in a sing-off? Jesus Christ, it’d make Katie Weasel look stable. She’d probably sing “I Hate You So Much Right Now” by Kelis and put a fist through Tulisa’s face. Kristina explains to us all that she cried because she wasn’t ready for her Strictly Journey with Jason to be over, and also a bit because Joe had forgotten the two year anniversary of when she first let him take her up the OXO Tower, and also a bit because SHE’D SEEN WHAT THE MAKE-UP PEOPLE DID TO PASHA, NONE OF US WILL EVER FORGET THAT STRICTLY, IT’S ON YOUR SOULS FOREVER.

Training now, and Jason tells us that he has the Argentine Tango and the samba – two dances that could not be more different. Kristina advises him to dance like nobody’s watching. I think Jason might have misunderstood that, and chosen to dance to try to make sure that nobody was watching. (Me of course, representing everyone). Jason is inspired by this, high-fives her and says

NO, JASON, SHE'S A GIRL

“SHE’S THE MAN!” No Jason, SHE’S THE CAPE, HOW MANY TIMES DOES NANCY HAVE TO TELL YOU?

Jason explains that the Argentine Tango is all about “grrrrr” and the Samba is all about “WOOOO!” but on the whole he’s just going to focus on having a good time. After he’s going his comedy VT out of the way naturally. Apparently Jason has hired a private detective to spy on the other contestants. I love how the top 4 contenders all got VTs highlighting their sneaky ways of undermining the competition, and Alex got “I IS A GLADIATOR!!!!!!!!!”. Anyway Jason is so

This was me, a LONG time ago...

ravaged by this competition he has to give photo ID to his man to prove his identity and then

Sexed up

the dossier doesn’t even have any writing in! Also he’s got Alex Jones’ Latin Average as 35/40 which…LOL! Worst Private Detective Ever!

To the dance floor and

WHEE

I applaud Kristina for her commitment to wearing a dress, even if it does make her arse look MASSIVE. You’re not resting a pint on that, you’re resting a whole tray. You’re not parking your bike there, you’re parking your Segway. There’s not just junk in that trunk, there’s a whole Bring N Buy sale. OK, you get the picture. She looks like a centaur.

Neigh

Anyway, they bounce their bums together and vamp and

OOOF

this dance could have ended a hell of a lot differently at this point as Jason legitimately almost falls head-first down the stairs. Given that Harry got a 2 minute silence from Karen Hardy in reference to his bravery in unwrapping Aliona’s skirt a bit, I can’t wait to see how she deals with this.

He just about gets down safely though, and therein commences to dad-dance. I don’t really get it, because his earlier Latin in Week 1 was fine, but this is a bit…well, not. It’s very disco (…ugh…Disco-Latin) with lots of Saturday Night Fever pointing and hand rolls and (horrors) it features that interminable move where the male celebrity wafts at the lady-pros skirt like they’re dissipating a particularly nasty fart.

Whiff

As semi-final Latin disasters go, it’s no Matt-Baker-Salsa (but then what in this universe is?) but its bounce is a bit forced and he’s catching flies throughout.

Ba-dumpf

Oh well.

Up on the Tessanine, Flavia

Oh my beautiful Sofia Loren do

wonders why she ever let that woman who turned Holly Valance’s hair into a Guylian seashell near her barnet. She’s too trusting that Flavia, I’ve always said that’s her problem.

It gets a standing ovation, and Len starts for the judges, saying that he’s glad that there were so many steps he could recognise, PLUS Jason’s bum was going to town.

Wheeeeee

Yes, but that town turned out to be Bognor. Len says that he was willing Jason to do well throughout, but he got overexcited and he lost control a little bit.

SPOOGE

I think he’s still talking about Jason. I think. Alesha follows, saying that she bets Jason was worried when he found out he had samba for the semi-finals. But he had nothing to worry about! It was fine! He had fun, and captured the spirit of the dance. Hooray for Jason. Personally I’m not Brazilian, so I can’t comment on whether the spirit of the samba is in fact “pissed up uncle and auntie at a wedding want to show they’re not past it quite yet. In the middle of the ceremony”. DAMN ME ENGLISH ROOTS.

Bruno follows, and says that Jason did get carried a way a bit, but Bruno doesn’t really care. Who knew that this would be Bruno’s general attitude about “getting carried away”? I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE SHOCKED. Anyway, Bruno says that it did show that he lost timing, given that it was such a rhythmical dance, but it was such fun anyway.

FUN FUN FUN

FUN FUN FUN!

Craig closes by saying that there was a massive effusion of energy going on, and lots of bounce but it was out of time and could have done without the daddy-dancing elements to the choreography. Otherwise, a nice fusion of disco and samba. I refuse to believe Craig, that such things could be possible.

Up to the Tessanine they can’t control their feet, and Jason jokes that his upper lip is constantly stuck to his teeth so his smile always feels

Eeerie

so bizarre. Well that’s that mystery solved. I genuinely thought he was possessed by the spirit of one of those little cymbal-clattering monkeys there. He giggles that James Jordan knows the story. I’ve got a feeling James Jordan is going to be repeating that story later, and…not at the MOST appropriate time. Tess asks Jason…something, and Jason replies that this competition is all about having fun and enjoying yourself and mathematical angles and doing your best and

What it's ALL about

Brenda bitch-faces and coming back from being in the Bottom 2 and that’s what he did tonight, oh yes. Tess asks what we can expect from his Argentine Tango. He promises passion, fire, and

*squeeze*

a little light strangulation. Natalie ponders what would happen if someone tried to strangle her mid-dance. They certainly wouldn’t be left with a hand. Probably best to take the whole arm off, just to make sure. Scores are in –

HOOOO!

34

Halfway leaderboard?

YAY!

WOO!

Now…who wants to see Harry’s Dick?

huzzah

That’s right, it’s a Famous Five spoof! Ahem. Uncle Len has lost his

Oh No!

Glitterballs, so he calls in the Famous Five, minus George, plus

Doctoring the Tard Is

Tom Baker era Dr Who, to find it for him. He explains that, without the glitterball trophy, there can be no final. How people aren’t IMMEDIATELY looking for Nancy Dell’Olio I do not know. Jason/Julian wants to know if there’s a reward for finding the glitterball?

OLD BEAN?!

I’m hoping it’s “acting lessons”. Anne/Chelsee hopes it’s

LASHINGS!

“lashings and lashings of ginger beer”. Oh Chelsee – Russell’s bit is in a middle. Also I’m guessing Harry didn’t have to ask the costume department for that outfit, if you know what I’m saying (so middle class and jumper-y). Len says the only reward he can offer for return of his balls is a trip to Blackpool. The Famous Five then tell him go fuck himself and get back to dropping bricks off the nearest bypass. At this,

Brenda swoops in to offer his replacement services, but everyone remembers how Anita wound up, so they reluctantly agree to help. Holly asks Alex who is most likely to allow themselves to be needlessly crowbarred into a comedy VT even though their relevance to this show is long spent, even more so than Brenda? Alex replies with the obvious answer…

GO AWAY RUSSELL

RUSSELL! They can’t keep him away with machine-gun mounted turrets. He mugs and leers and hello duckys and tells them to go talk to Craig. Chelsee wonders

GAYS! GAYS EVERYWHERE!

just how many homosexuals they can talk to in this segment, given that Enid Blyton normally kept it to one thinly-veiled offensive stereotype per book as a rule, but off they go anyway, to find Craig…

10!

polishing up his 10 paddle. Really we should have taken this as a warning shouldn’t we? Anyway, everyone is shocked

*SHOCK*

and I’m glad that Chelsee can at least count that high. Alex starts yapping about how they should go and see Kara Tointon, because the JEALOUS BITCH is probably hoarding it in case SEXY HOLLY wins it and LOVE-RAT ARTEM starts shagging her because of it. Harry gives her a bone

Be quiet Timmy

to shut her up. Yeah, that’d work on me too.

Anyway, the gang all go looking for Kara Tointon but instead find

HI JAMES, YOU'RE ARTEM TONIGHT!
Oops

Brenda, in a dressing-room, waiting for James. Ah well, he’s got the glitterball, which means this sorry segment can finally end. HOORAH! Another 20 seconds, and Holly and Chelsee never would have been able to find work again.

Harry Judd, don’t make it bad, take Aliona and make her better, dancing the Viennese Waltz (naaaaa na na, NAH NAH NAH NAH… NAH NAH NAH NAAAAAAAAAH HARRY JUDD!)

*dribble*

What’s that in his tie? A dribble of snot? Has someone forgotten to take the security tag out? Is Aliona going to tug on it halfway through the routine, provoking a costume change into a GLITTERING BALLGOWN? Bruce says that as we’re entering into the FORBIDDEN TWO-DANCE ZONE it’s going to take a lot of stamina to carry on. And for Harry as well. Oh Bruce, thanks for thinking of me at this difficult time.

With two dances comes, as always, JUDGES HOLO

ROLL FILM!

oh, wait, JUDGES ABANDONED CINEMA! My favourite thing is that every judge has their name on their director’s chair, except Craig, who has “CRH” the pretentious tit(/KING OF MY HEART). And don’t tell me they couldn’t make “Revells-Horrid” fit, because if they can cram Harry’s arse into those trousers/Alex’s boobs into that top (see? equal opportunities, for once they can do anything. Len says that Harry’s got the complete package, and Alesha says that

Just sneaking

she always had a sneaking suspicion all along that Harry was good, but she never knew how good. So she just lobbed 10s at him like knickers at a stripper from about Week 4, just to make sure she was getting it right. Not to be unstereotypical, Bruno has a good old perv, and pretends it’s “all about him having a dancer’s physique”. Craig is not to be left out, and joins in saying that he wouldn’t kick Harry out of bed for doing a Dutch Oven, and also he’s a DRUMMER which means he has UNNATURAL RHYTHM. And also big muscly arms.

His featured positive dance? The quickstep, with Len baiting Craig saying that he should have given it a 10. His featured negative dance? The Argentine Tango, because it didn’t give Len a boner. What? Not that dog-rough foxtrot from Week 2? We close with Alesha saying that he’s not a runaway winner, despite all this. LOL, OK ALESHA, WHATEVER YOU SAY.

To the dance-floor now and

So wedding-y

ok, whoever started their dance before looking like the top of a wedding-cake have got NOTHING on this. They’re dancing to “This Year’s Love” (OK, his name was Ben, he played the cello and studied History. Dirty blonde, sort of Jewish, heavy drinker. Musical bandwagonist, liked 70s cinema the best, seemed to live entirely off pasta bakes. Left wing except when he wasn’t, was faithful except when he couldn’t, not fond of PDA except when he shouldn’t. Always smelled faintly of pic n mix, used to find it hilarious to invite his parents around very early without telling me (OH HOW I LAUGHED AND TRIED TO FIND MY PANTS), all his friends hated me. Ace at darts, even worse at pool than I was (and I can’t even hold a cue properly), couldn’t take losing. 6ft 2, hair on chest hilariously in the shape of the Superman symbol, very splayed toes, good-looking enough to get on the University website to draw in prospective students in an hilariously heterosexual tableau with two girls doing doe-eyes at him that I never ever stopped teasing him about. First real boyfriend, repeatedly, ended in MANY TEARS AND MANY FEELINGS AND THIS SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN, wailing that I’d been on my own too long at the age of 20, thinking I was Susan Boyle 4 LIFE).

(Worse even than that I had a beard, which I hated, so I couldn’t even enjoy most of it)

Ahem, anyway, the dance?

Aw
Bless
Oooh
Aaah

Wonderful. (Except the bit where’s he’s obviously spotting, like a figure-skater, but I’ll allow it, because I am SOFT.)

It gets a Standing Ovation, and Bruce starts blathering about everyone being wild about Harry again, some more. I guess it’s better than “LOOK HARRY! USE YOUR EYES! YOUR BEAUTIFUL EYES! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO THEM IN THEIR SOULS!” over and over again.

Alesha starts for the judges, and wants to know why, WHY

WHY?

Harry has been hiding behind the drums for so many years. Erm? Because there wasn’t much call for Viennese Waltzes in the middle of McFly gigs? I’m guessing? On Strictly yes, nude in the middle of a G-A-Y, it’s just going to look silly. It was exquisite, confident, and excellently played. Bruno follows, and calls Harry & Aliona “the Prince and The Showgirl”. I hope Aliona takes this as her cue to do their showdance to “Copacabana” with literal choreography. She’s already got a head-start on the

(*ibble*)

“NOW SHE’S LOST HER MIND!” part. Bruno says that he felt the romance unfolding before his eyes. Oh Bruno, you felt your penis unfolding before your eyes, be honest.

Craig, OF COURSE is doing

POO FACE!

poo-face to bait the audience. He thought that was a very unusual Viennese Waltz, because it was melancholy. Remind me of what the finalists Viennese Waltzes were like last year Craig? There was Kara’s one to “Stop!” a song about trying to resist a bounder, Matt’s one to the song about smashing Kylie Minogue’s face in with a rock, and Hamela’s where James RETURNED TO HEAVEN(/Starship Karen) AT THE END. YES, CRAIG, IT’S SO VERY BLOODY UNUSUAL. How about that one where Rachbot cried on Vincent’s shoulder the whole way round? TO EVERYBODY HURTS! ALESHA’S WAS TO MEMORY! SCOTT WAS A RE-ANIMATED CORPSE! FFS… Anyway, he loved it, but Harry should move his head a little bit to the left and stopped spotting during his fleckerl and it would have been better.

*meow*

Alright Harry, there’s no need to be rude.

Len is last up and just reels off a list of the ballroom steps he knows. That’s how you know it was good. He closes by saying he’s going to be like Henry VIII. What? A gout-ridden old perv? Is he going to dissolve Aliona’s monasteries? No, he’s going to send Harry to the tower…THE TOWER BALLROOM THAT IS! Yeah…good one Len.

Up to the Tessanine they cry into their chicken chow meins (such a break-up staple), and Tess greets them by saying there’s not a dry eye in the house. Thank goodness Arlene isn’t still a judge or there’s be at least one seat that were a bit moist as well…She asks how Harry’s last shot at getting to the final felt, and he says it was amazing. Yeah, alright Rachbot. He also thanks Aliona for all her hard work in teaching him, training him, and trying her damndest not to go mental and make this routine about the custard-ninjas who live at the bottom of her garden telling her to burn things. We close on a joke about how Dougie is now “Queen Of The Jungle”.

Oh McFlea...

Oh Mcfly… Scores are in

WOO!

39. I love how that Len’s righteous fury at Craig has become so passionate it’s blossomed into…well…what does it look like?

Natural Toddler Alex Jones & James Jordan dancing the salsa

Yay!

Really looking forward to that salsa aren’t they? Either that or they know they’re doomed and they’re trying to slide one more Safety Sex-Face in under the bar. Won’t work guys, I’m tough. The deadline has passed. Bruce says that Alex is the most improved dancer in the competition, and she’s come really far. Her maths is really getting along, she loves to read, and we’re so glad we got past that stage where she’d occasionally wet herself in the middle of It Takes Two. Well done Alex.

Judges Abandoned Cinema now, and Bruno re-iterates that Alex is the most improved dancer, and Len says she should be proud of herself for getting to the semi-finals (*cough*and no further*cough*). Craig remembers how Alex used to be – she lacked confidence, and was so unsure of herself. Maybe that was something to do with you calling her a sexless slab of tofu Craig?

YAY!

Ah well, stick her in ill-fitting leggings and get her to cry about it, and she could have won X Factor. Len lies that if she continues to have confidence in herself, she can definitely get to Blackpool, and Craig says it’s really great that she’s at least now confident enough to go out on her own. Yeah, but only down to the corner-shop Craig, let’s not go crazy.

Her positive featured dance is her Wembley Tango, and her negative featured dance is the Charleston. Well really that was the hats faults wasn’t it? It’s not her fault they were possessed. We close with Bruno and Alesha stating the obvious – that she’s got a likable personality and her ballroom has come on so well, but her latin’s still a pain in the rear, and she’s struggled throughout to portray mature sexuality on stage.

So to remedy that

DUSTY OLD FOOF

here’s her 60-year-old foof! With the addition of a broom, the whole outfit…almost makes sense as a costume just…I’m not sure why? Is 1,2,3,4 about Gloria Estefan’s time as a janitor? Is James just being a bit racist about Cubans on his way out of the series? Who knows? In double-thankfulness news,

Lovely dress

it turns out that that fluffy white hair was just part of her dress. Phew.

Of course, the thankfulness ends there, as her salsa’s a bit pants. It’s quite manic, there’s not really much hip action going on, she’s waving her arms like she’s fallen asleep on them and is trying to get the feeling back into them, and it’s not very sexy really apart from her working her broom like she’s got bills to pay at the beginning. My favourite part is her run up to her big-lift, which she

Wheeeeee

bombs through with all the grace and Latin rhythm of someone charging towards a swimming pool looking to do a cannonball. And instead

Eeep

finding herself stuck mid-air waggling her legs around like Su Pollard wedged in a chalet-window on Hi-De-Hi (coming soon, to a Christmas Special near you!).

In many ways...

THE END! (Bless her trying to get her hands right. Whilst James’ focus is clearly to get her norks pointing directly at the camera. Ah…Jordanography)

It gets a standing ovation, out of sheer momentum, as Alex

Ppffft thbbbt feathers

picks some of her own antiquated foof out of her teeth. Bruce points out to her that it got a standing ovation, although even he sounds bored of them at this point. Bruno starts for the judges, and says that Alex can sweep his floors for him! Wow, that’s actually the worst praise I’ve ever heard on this show Bruno, well done. She was alright with James, but when she was on her own, it all went a bit to pot. Bruno’s aimless praise is then followed by Craig’s laser-guided criticism when he tells Alex that the routine was “a bit beyond her skill-set”

*MEOW*

I love it for

a)being true
b)sounding like a school report
c)catching James on the face as it comes back in.

He did however, love how she threw herself into the routine, obviously without any concern for how effing stupid she looked doing it. OOF. Now there’s another back-hander.

Go for the triple-header? No, that’s left up to Len with

Ooooh

Uggh

“that was full of personality”. OK, he’s not as good at it as Craig, but it’ll have to do. He really loved that she attacked the dance so much, but of course it meant that she “lost finesse”. Lost would imply it was ever there to begin with Len, let’s be honest. Alesha closes by pumping her first and saying she agrees with Len that it was really full-on and fierce and hooray and all that.

Up to the Tessanine they 1,2,4,3 and Tess greets them by asking Alex if she enjoyed the challenge of the salsa, and she replies that she did, because it might well have been her last dance and why not? James reveals that Alex was feeling so self-conscious about that dance the other day that she broke down in tears crying and didn’t want to do it. Oh, well that’ll make her less self-conscious then James… Natalie’s face reads

Pommie wuss

“for my partners, that’s Tuesday. Frankly if they don’t break down in tears and beg me to let them leave, I’ve failed them”. Anyway, James loves Alex for going out there and doing it anyway. Tess follows up by asking how Alex would feel if that were her last dance because, let’s face it, it’s going to be. Alex says it would be absolutely devastating but also…quite fun! Thanks Alex! Scores are in – 31, with James claiming that he doesn’t like James and he’s taking it out on Alex the whole way. Woo. What was that Tess was saying about leaving a last impression?

*still fainted* dancing the paso doble

PASHA!

Bruce says that since she’s walked out onto the dance-floor, the show has been a fairy-tale for Chelsee. She then runs on and shoved him in an oven.

To the JUDGES ABANDONED CINEMA, where Craig praises her for being good at Latin, Ballroom,

Like a Prop Columbus

Prop Navigation, all the skills of Modern Strictly Dance. Alesha says that in the beginning she never expected to see Chelsee deliver the level of technique she’s giving at this point of the show. This is because ALESHA HERself didn’t so much improve her technique as “get better at blagging” (YES YES BECAUSE SHE WAS ALREADY PERFECT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH ALESHA STANS). Len says that she’s been a revelation, and he really loves her energy, it makes him went to yell

WOOO!

“GO ON CHELSEE!” even though he himself is really more of an Arsenal Rovers fan. Or maybe Tottenham United. I’m not really up on London footballing teams. Pasha is praised for having the courage to let her go out on her own so often in routines, and quite right too, she might start dry-humping sailors or necking snakebite & black rather than dancing. Really he has TAMED her. Her positive highlighted dance is her quickstep, and her negative highlighted dance is her “self-confidence” because we can’t very well talk about that time her boobs fell out can we?

To the dance-floor and

FANS

Yeah Len, PASSION THIS. If nothing else, she’s dressed strikingly. She’s dancing to Proper Authentic Paso Music (which to be fair, I’m guessing. I know nothing about Authentic Paso Music. It could just be someone playing Pixie Lott on a spanish guitar) and she strikes some really strong poses in the opening

Grrrr

*fans self* Sadly, that’s pretty much the only time the fan works the entire routine. Which makes this a bit of a props fail. Ah well, maybe they can rectify that when they do it again in the final. As a paso I do actually like it – it’s very strong, very firey and very

WALLOP

foot-slappy, without being terrifyingly so (*JAY-SUN*). On the other hand, she does tread on her dress a bit, and she’s not *quite* connecting with her partner. All in all, very good, second best paso of the series (*remembers Nancy’s* *wavers* *remains resolute*), applause, well done, the end.

It gets a Standing Ovation, even though she didn’t swish her skirt ONCE. How were we supposed to know that SHE WAS THE CAPE? Get this girl to the Dell’Olio School of Dance, STAT. Bruce gushes about her characterisation, and Chelsee

Brep

doesn’t look so convinced. Buck up Chels, it gets better in a bit.

Craig starts for the judges, and says it was Paso Personified and A-MAY-ZING.

Yay!

See? He tells her that she is the most astonishing dancer, and just gob-smackingly good. Chelsee that she herself is gob-smacked. (*Kristina makes mental note to maybe choreograph this into the Argentine Tango at the last minute*). Len follows and

GRRRR!

he’s doing this, which we all know is Len-Shorthand for “intensity”. Poor Mrs Len. She’s seen that face one too many times after Variety Club Drinks Night. What he really likes in a good paso is the “whip it and wait” (*Kristina makes another mental note*), and that had it. It was a true PASHA DOBLE!

A HA HA HA

Pasha laughs because he hears his own name. He’s learning the cues now, well done Pasha.

Alesha’s next, and she tells Chelsee that she is now performing like a real dancer. It was so interesting to watch, and she’s now a little bit speechless. Only a little bit mind you. She doesn’t think Chelsee realises how good she is (I think she does however, by this point, probably realise that everyone thinks that she doesn’t know how good she is, because they NEVER EVER STOP SAYING IT) and she also deserves to be in the final! Bruce hoots that he keeps on telling her that he keeps on telling her that, and she never believes him! Yes Bruce, and she also doesn’t believe that it’s kittens you want to show her in the back of your Daimler. The circle of trust is broken. To finish Bruno,

(*FANS SELF*)

fans himself, and smashes Spanish and sexual imagery into one another like Alex shoving her Barbie & Ken doll together, as well he might.

Up to the Tessanine they pasha doble, and Tess breaks the mood by asking Chelsee if she’s finding the passion more easily with Pasha now? IE is there any chance they might shag before the final, just once, go on, no-one else has done it, it doesn’t even have to be very good, Pasha can bump his head on a bookcase and accidentally spunk on her leg if he wants? WE JUST NEED A SHOWMANCE, ANY SHOWMANCE, WE WILL USE ROHYPNOL AND STRING YOU UP LIKE MARIONETTES IF NECESSARY. Chelsee says yes, the acting passion in the dances is getting easier, hooray. Tess is all

Tee hee

OOH, I’M BUYING A HAT! BY WHICH I MEAN A SEX-HAT! BY WHICH I MEAN A CONDOM! FOR YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH! HAVE SEX PLEEEEEASE! Tess asks Chelsee if she thinks she’s done enough to make the Final Three (OF SEX!), and Chelsee says that she really hopes so, as it would be a dream come true. Scores are in –

YAYYYY!

40. Awwww….here it goes.

Holly on an IV & Artem Chigvintsev dancing the Charleston

Before the madness

Or at least she will be after the dance is over. But first

SO WRONG

remember that care home abuse scandal? Here’s a re-enactment. It’s tragic, it really is. Take those things off him and let him live out his final days with dignity.

JUDGES ABANDONED CINEMA (not in 3D, for some reason, maybe because 3D cinema is an aftertaste belch of a fad that died a long time ago and fingers crossed will be doing so again very soon *soapbox*)

Len declares Holly to be a very worthy semi-finallist, but ponders whether she can get to Blackpool. Or whether she’ll get bored somewhere around Birmingham Airport and catch a flight to Crete instead. For safety’s sake, let’s eliminate her now. Craig then starts

LAAAAAAAAAAAAA

bellowing this . From the “Broadway Musical See-Saw”. I feel that reference just flew over everyone’s head apart from Russell, and even he had to launch himself out of that stupid cannon to catch it. Bruno says she’s got great lines, hardly ever makes any footwork errors and yet…at points she seems to switch off. I do that too Bruno, so I can’t judge. It’s called “the comedy VTs”. Her positive featured dances are the American Smooth and the foxtrot, although mostly as an excuse for Alesha to show that

I STILL GOT IT!

SHE’S STILL GOT IT! FROM WHEN SHE WAS HERE AND DID THIS! (I think series is when my perception of Alesha finally flipped and now I’ll always see her more as a judge than as a contestant. I’m not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing).

To the dance-floor and

WOOT WOOT!

DJ HOLLY BUSTING UP THE DECKS WITH

erm…Artem. That’s right, they’re dancing a club/hip-hop infused Charleston to “We No Speak Americano”.

Wrrp

So yeah, Artem’s finally cracked then. Mentally. Painkiller abuse will do that to a man. As for Holly? You know when you haven’t been to the gym for months, and you start off your workout, and everything feels great and just like you remember it being when you were young and fit and so you really GO FOR IT, then about 50 seconds in you want to die? So that’s Holly in the routine. (That of course was a rhetorical analogy. I have never set foot in a gym in my entire life). She’s going for it hardcore at the beginning but…then things deteriorate

Ooof

probably about where she thought that would pass muster as a cartwheel. Even with Artem choreographing in a

*plonk*

nice sit down, she’s out of puff, missing connections, and flopping through lifts like a 50lb bag of wet semolina.

Wrrrp

My favourite bits are when she looks at Artem and clearly thinks “oh, right, we’re doing that effing stupid bit next, right *blah blah tweey bird hands* WHAT’S NEXT?”. Which is most of it. Nice (if a bit outre) concept, sloppy execution. But she tried, and if you wanted to represent what was most endearing about her personality, this is a good bet.

Oops

And bless him, Artem can’t even get his headphones back on in the end. I like to think he choreographed that just in case everyone started booing at him deciding to say “eff you” to Charleston entirely. IT’S THE PEOPLE’S DANCE! REMEMBER COLA FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS!

As they walk over (to their standing ovation, natch), Bruce asks her if she’s ok. He sounds genuinely concerned. I’m not surprised. I hope Artem’s ready to stuff her lungs back down into her mouth, just in case she coughs one up.

Len starts for the judges and says that when he heard the music start he thought

Oh dear...

“oh Christ, here we go, it’s NOO YORRRRK all over again”, but actually he grew to like it. Sort of. She got the Charleston swivel right (how odd that Holly of all people would instinctively know how to swivel…) but it could have been a bit slicker here and there. Holly’s bosom meanwhile heaves up and down like a ship in violent storm. Alesha follows, saying that it WELL was a modern Charleston and she

LOVED IT!

loved it, because she is still young and down with the kids and a Mis-Teeq Lady. Remember them? They were like Little Mix, but without the added stench of Tulisa. She tells Holly it’s obvious that she’s exhausted, but well done her for stepping outside her comfort zone. Holly

*cough* *hack*

clutches at her throat and croaks out “thank you” then spits up a giant ball of yellowish phlegm into a bag thoughtfully held by Artem.

Bruno follows by saying that sometimes you have to

Hark at Jim Morrison here

push the boundary to open people’s minds (he’ll be trying that with Harry at the after-series party I would imagine…) and she certainly just did that. Holly’s left leg collapses out from underneath her and she turns an unsightly shade of green. Craig closes by thanking Artem for taking huge risks with his choreography, and producing dances that really make the show different every week. That routine was like Vegemite, you either love it or you hate it…AND HE LOVED IT (sort of). Holly clutches at her stomach

*clutch*

then up and dies.

Fortunately only for a few seconds, before Kara runs on and gives her the Kiss Of Life to spare HEROIC Artem’s blushes in front of the nation like the TRUE SWEETHEART that she is. Artem then fetches the oxygen tank and hauls Holly up to the Tessanine. Where Tess greets Holly by telling her that she “conquered the modern Charleston”. Well I think we all agree that’ll be on her gravestone. Next to “loved a tinny”. Holly grins that

*grin*

she wouldn’t say she conquered it, but at least she didn’t die at the end. Not permanently anyway. She gasps that that was the hardest dance she’s ever done in her life, and Artem

Oops

shows his customary support and sympathy. Oh those Russians. Or maybe that’s a signal to Kara for later, who knows? Scores are in :

Wha?

34. Holly’s BAFFLEMENT at it getting that high a score is one of my favourite moments of the week.

Jase The Ripper & Kristina Rihanoff dancing the Argentine Tango

Hello!

Bruce tells us that, as he’s an actor, it’s no surprise that Jason bought drama to every routine he performed. JUST LIKE RAY FEARON! (who?) (exactly?).

Last journey now to the bowels of the JUDGES ABANDONED CINEMA, where Len starts by saying that Jason sure can sell it. This isn’t The Apprentice, Len.


Alesha and Len then chat about how Jason was top of the leaderboard for three weeks in a row, which hardly ever happens, especially these days, when we cast more than two good dancers per series. His positive and negative featured dance are both his jive which started so brilliantly (it did?) but then went horribly wrong. Len worries that, despite his amazing performance ability and good technique he puts

HE CAN'T TAKE THIS PRESSURE AHHHH

too much pressure on himself. It’s alright Len, he’s found a way to channel that pressure now. It’s ALL GOING ON KRISTINA’S NECK in the next dance. She can take it. She danced with Sarge for half a series. If ever there was a pain in the neck it was Sarge. We also pile on his rumba, and see it called boring, but then everyone goes “BUT IT’S HARDER FOR THE MALE CELEBRITIES!” so it’s all alright again. We close on a montage of praise for Jason’s faces. I guess…what Craig said about Vegemite and Holly. That. (Not what you were thinking about Holly and Vegemite, no, bad, all my heterosexual male antipodean readers. I know you are NUMEROUS!)

Anyway, that’s it for me this week. I’m going to have to recap it next week, I’m not sitting through Jason’s horrifying Argentine Tango again. I’m just not. I’ve got from a nice easy recap of an hour long show with lots of easy film jokes last week to a nigh on 100 minute slog featuring Alex Jones’ geriatric foof and Holly Valance trying to do the Charleston. Consider this my mental health break, like when I refused to recap Russell running round yelling “I’M GAY, YOU KNOW!” in his salsa.

This time around though, I’m being much more professional. I’m not going to just leave you to think about Jason’s Argentine Tango on your own, oh no. I’m passing the baton over to someone who can give the dance the much-needed in-depth evaluation its many psychological and sexual intricacies demand. That’s right Loyal Monkseal Readers, you are about to experience Jason’s PERFECT ARGENTINE TANGO through…

HAMELA’S!…GLANS!

Figure 1a
Figure 1b
Figure 1c

HI GUYS! This is the first figure of the dance. It’s called the “Buenos Aires Hair-Sniff”! This symbolises the man’s desire to sniff the woman’s hair, and then maybe carry around in his pocket for use in the work toilets. This is highly professional and well-regarded. James told me he was off to do it in the toilet many times in training. One time he was in there for half an hour, and I heard crying, so I waited a bit and then bust the door down but the window was open and James was nowhere to be seen.

Figure 2

This is the second figure! It’s to check your partner’s not pregnant before you start boinking her. Psychologists agree that you can’t boink whilst pregnant, because it will scare the baby. At least that’s what my husband Brian May told me. This lasts for about two years after the baby is born.

Figure 3

This figure is known as the “contra-check”, in which the female checks to see if her partner has a willy. DON’T BE FOOLED LADIES! YOU CAN NEVER BE 100% SURE. I tried to get James to let me check if he had a penis, but Ola said that she’d do that for me. She was so helpful! And always watching.

Figure 4

This figure is the “Patagonian foof air”. Always air your foof out ladies. One night Brian was unconscious down there for a good 10 minutes, and I didn’t even notice!

Figure 5

This figure is know is the “mid-coital choke” and represents the fruition of the sex-act in the routine. Any sexual astronaut in the inter-vaginal cosmos will know the value of the odd bout of auto-erotic asphyxiation mid-coupling. The stemming of oxygen flow to the brain heightens the orgasmic response. I told James about this, and he was so enthusiastic! He wanted to practice on me even without having sex. Repeatedly. Even when I said the safe word. Such a committed pupil!

Figure 6

Now this figure is very clever indeed! What Kristina has choreographed here is known as a “Sexual Eep!”. It represents that moment when, mid-horizontal-fandango in flagrante in the cuisine, the Modern Sexual Woman sees a mouse, and CLINGS TO HER MAN for protection. In this way she mirrors primal sexual roles of being a prissy little girl with a big strong man. It is only thanks to Evolutionary Psycholgy that we are even aware of such role-play and its faculty to the Modern Sexual Woman.

Sex over, the man performs the penultimate figure

Figure 7

the “Dirt Wipe”. In this, he is a true gentleman, avoiding spreading any fecal matter that has been produced during the act (don’t be squeamish ladies, we’ve all been there) doesn’t spread through the house via the carpets. The lady, naturally, averts her eyes, because this is how tapeworm happens.

Finally we close on a little figure that I like to call

Figure 8

“The Boobs Have Eyes”. It’s a clever reference to how all women see the world only truly when they activate their third and fourth eye, each located in their feminine mammary glands. Only the TRULY enlightened woman, however, sees the world through her fifth eye. I showed James my fifth eye when the tour finished, as I felt our partnership was truly at it’s peak. This is why he doesn’t talk to me any more. Ho hum.

It gets 40, which is ridiculous, but I guess understandable in a world where you never got to see mine and James’. It was spectacular my children of the labial learning. Truly spell-binding. I can still taste the jelly now.

26 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 11 Performance

  1. perdiedumpling

    *applauds*

    Loved the Old Ones, Jason’s transformation, Alex’s counting, Kristina the centaur, Pasha’s hands, your critique of Craig’s “beyond your skill set”, Brendan’s face slowly fading from grin to “fuck off you Aussie twit” as Jason gets his scores but mostly

    Jason’s tango. I didn’t think there was any earthy way I could enjoy a recap of *that*. *slow, meaningful applause*

    Reply
  2. Neio

    HAMELA’S GLANS just had me laughing so much at my desk that my workmates thought I was crying! Classic.

    And Harry offering a bone to shut someone up. Having seen his new Attitude photoshoot today, I can see how that would work.

    I just heard that apparently James and Ola haven’t been invited on the Strictly tour because of James acting like a cock on the show this year (well, okay, not in those exact words…). Why am I not surprised?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Rumour has it that Craig (who run the tour) was sick of him. Or Craig finds it amusing to wind him up. Or rumours on the Internet are a load of old balls.

      Reply
  3. Carl

    I think the first Harry photo is him answering the debate over whether or not his Attitude cover was stuffed. Let’s ask McFly – they don’t mind talking about this…

    The Bruce glasses joke is one of your best.

    Due to nerves I always dread the last weeks of Strictly, and the last few series I have been more apathetic than involved, but I’m sort of looking forward to the last episode, and hopefully to the dances. I’m not sure if it’s because this is the first series I started reading your recaps, or because this series, after a rough start and a slightly terrifying middle, began to turn around for me 3-4 weeks ago (around the time I actually began to think the public would make the right decisions) and while the dancing isn’t at the level of Kara/Matts/Jill/Denise/Ramps/Whittle etc. I’m hoping this will be a good final.

    Someone said that dance experts believe Chelsee’s paso was supposed to be hesitant and slightly distant from Pasha, so she did it properly, worth a 40. That may be true, as I’m no dance expert, but I felt the same way about her last few Latin dances and her jive (never sure if that’s a Latin dance). I’m hoping they will get some of their old spirit back for the last week. I felt this far more in their American Smooth, which was panned (relatively speaking).

    I’m not sure if gurning would have made Harry’s charleston better or worse. I mostly remember it for his outfit, which was just stunning and the perfect color, and, along with Pasha in the Smooth, I’ve decided some kind camera person wanted to showcase their perfect bottoms to make up for the horror of Jason shaking it for Tess later in the show. Anyway, I’m hoping they may retire the charleston for next series, just to give it a break. They’ve done as much as they can with these – Anita and Chris Hollins probably had the ideal “gurning” charlestons, and Harry, Kara, and Holly had the ideal super cool sexytime charlestons.

    I’m not sure whether I’ll miss Holly and Alex on the show or just in your recaps. Probably more the recap for Alex and a mix for Holly. Either way, isn’t it funny how she went from being a cert to be in the final to a cert not to be in it? I’ll miss her. Best fourth placer ever! Or close, anyway.

    Unless Dougie has to rescue some hostages I wish he would leave the headband at home. Meanwhile, Holly’s outfit and hair made her look like Janet Fielding in the costume fitting which REALLY made her hate Doctor Who for 15 years.

    My favorite V Waltz this series was from Holly, but Harry’s was nice enough. I looked at the video for the song you mentioned and I wonder if someone used that video for Jason’s movie week VT.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      *remembers McFly on Celebrity Juice talking about who had the biggest wing-wang* (Or at reading about it, because obviously I would never watch “Celebrity Juice”)

      I think the last few weeks of the series have really picked up actually. Nancy got me through the beginning, but the middle really sagged, until Wembley, whcih was the worst. Since then it’s been uphill generally. I thought the dancing was better last week overall, but this was one of the smoother transitions to 2 -dance I remember (‘cept Holly tee hee)

      I am obliged to worship forever at the church of AUSTINWUZZROBBED in terms of 4th placers. Although that does at least inspire the possibility that they might one day meet. (Also *oblig Louisa Lytton mention goes here*)

      I almost gave up on Holly after her Viennese Waltz. It was only the Black Swan that pulled me back in.

      Reply
      1. Carl

        The Viennese Waltz was the lamppost one wasn’t it? I just loved the brazenness of that – “Holly can’t dance in hold, so let’s have her swing around lampposts for 75% of the dance”. Holly on her own was her best.

        I forgot Austin was fourth place. I remembered Louisa. I also liked Tish Dean. They had a good run of fourth places until Sonia Fowler.

      2. monkseal Post author

        Laila was 4th that year, although I appreciate all the Anton fans have willed her out of existence so they can pretend he always gets stuck with the comedy acts.

  4. Ferny

    I would do very well on this show’s series – I’m from Blackpool so I could have reached the final with my ‘I want to perform in my home town etc’ cries – plus I should get sympathy votes too.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m sure people could have counter-signed with something. Russell going with “my first house in Wembley was in Wembley!” or whatever it was was a bit of a stretch.

      Reply
  5. Kerry McCormack (@KerryMc1978)

    Thank you for making the recap of Jasons AT bearable. If he reprises it in the final, i’m definitely imagining his eyes like that.

    You mentioned Earth Song… i’ve been hoping that Aliona chooses that for their AS this week, it seems like the only song suitable for a sequel to HOOO NEEEW YOOOORRKK!

    Reply
  6. Allgrownup

    An Angry Bird + Holly screencap

    Best. Comment. Ever.

    I laughed for five minutes solid and nearly felt like Holly after that Charleston.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I am considering having that screen-grab laminated just to carry around with it in my everyday life. It’s so handy!

      Reply
      1. Allgrownup

        Plus it’s sooo in the spirit of Holly: Why bother actually cracking yourself up when you can have the same effect with a lot less effort.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I’d almost succesfully forgotten it got a perfect score to the extent that I at first thought you were saying that he was claiming that was his age…

      Reply
  7. Poppy

    Wonderful, Monkseal, wonderful. The only trouble is by the time I’ve got to the end I’ve forgotten what I wanted to say about the bits in the middle. I do remember, though, that I feel that Wardrobe mis-costumed Holly in the Comedy Interlude as Velma from Scooby Doo rather than George in The Famous Five. Also, your riff on Alex’s flasher mac was inspired, I still don’t really understand why she was wearing it.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Holly came and redeemed hamster-faced pasos for all of us, rending the Bunton Paso Face Scale obsolete. (/I got bored of trying to find new things to say for it.)

      Reply

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