Those semi-final dances in full :
Alex Jones : This week I think was the culmination of her time as this year’s “Strictly Journey” contestant. Her ballroom (a decent if unspectacular and slightly jittery waltz to “Natural Woman”) is as good as it’s ever going to get and reasonably watchable. Her latin on the other hand, is still stinking out the place sufficiently that really this has to be the end of her Strictly journey right? RIGHT? James dresses her up as the school caretaker as she operates on auto-flail to Gloria Estefan. The judges repeatedly congratulate her on getting this far, and tell her that they can tell she’s had a lovely time, with the subtext of “so can you please pick up your party bag and go home, because we need to deflate the bouncy castle and we can’t do that with you jumping up and down on it?”
Holly Valance : Holly on the other hand congratulates the judges and Artem on getting her this far, tells them all that she’s had a lovely time, and then legs it out the door as fast as her legs can carry her. She spends most of her Argentine Tango sat on her arse being twirled around like a rotating cake display, and flatly refuses to do the Charleston, instead doing a bizarre jive/hip-hop fusion whilst being as facially beige as possible. Artem wears hipster glasses, Holly dances so hard she almost loses a lung afterwards (which, given that it’s Holly is…not very hard at all) and if she gets to the final I will LAUGH OUT LOUD because she wants to be there even less than Laila Rouass did and that is saying something.
Harry Judd : Harry I think deals with his Deadly Draw of the Charleston better than Holly did, in that he actually tried to do one, although it turns out to be so deathly dull that Aliona probably should have matched Artem mentallism for mentallism and had him reprise Matt Baker’s showdance choreography to the theme tune of the Mrs Bardley Mysteries. Their Viennese Waltz though I think is (*checks very short list*) the first Aliona routine I can commit to liking entirely from start to finish. Lovely and soft and romantic, and all of that has nothing to do with it being danced to a song that gave me MANY FEELINGS at University (SCREW YOU BEN, YOU UTTER TWAT, NOW MORE THAN EVER! *rends hair* *plays You Oughtta Know 156 times on repeat to wash the thwarted romanticism out of my brain*).
Chelsee Healey : Chelsee’s evening is an evening of almosts. Her American Smooth is almost amazing, but an awkward moment in a running splits leaves her victim to the Mistake Police (aka Craig) and briefly takes everyone out of the romantic atmosphere she’s building up. Her paso is almost as good as Holly’s but a fan that never quite…does anything detracts from some great lines that she creates, and her heel rams into her dress almost with greater frequency than Alex’s did last week. It gets the first ever Perfect Score for a paso, I’m guessing ENTIRELY because couples are forced to reprise their highest scoring dance in the final, and nobody wants to have to set up that staging for her jive again.
Jason Donovan : Finally…Jason. Despite Kristina’s best efforts to give him a samba that plays to his disco/campy strengths, he almost goes arse over tit down the stairs at the beginning, and it throws him for the rest of the dance. That or he was just never going to be good at it. Off-time dad-dancey skirt wafting at its finest. His Argentine Tango…I hate to fall on the negative side of a divisive Jason argument for two weeks in a row, but the bloody thing starts with him sniffing Kristina’s hair and staring at her tits. Would that it could improve for me from there, but it devolves into him shoving her around, choking her, WHACKING the soles of his shoes like they’re on fire, all with a hunchback and a look of FURY on his face. I do not like it. I do not like it one bit. It, of course, gets the full Snowdon treatment. Oh well.