And you thought Anita blubbed…
We open on
some really unsafe driving from James here. After the bad examples set by Chelsee AND Alex I’m really thinking of complaining to OFCOM about the shoddy example being set to children on this year’s Strictly. HIS EYES AREN’T EVEN ON THE ROAD. And how are they fitting 6 people in the front of that car?
Unless Kristina is sat on the gear-stick?
Anyway, the premise is
this, as a English gentleman in the 1920s drives his friends : two Russians, a Pole, a Kazakhstani and a (very) open homosexual around the countryside. Then MI5 pick them up, subject them to five hours of questioning about their potential roles as leftist rabble-rousers provoking the general strike, then shoot the gay one to death round the back of Westminster. At least the other ones have the excuse of bring forrin.
Anyway, before the madness, everyone decamps and gets a bit lost and Ola
tells James he’s got his map the wrong way up. Fortunately nobody tells that to Robin about his Kristina. Once they’ve found a nice place to park up, everyone gets out and James polishes his car up and
Robin and Artem polish Aliona’s bottom similarly. Ah, that bowling-ball shine. I hope the holes are the right size for their fi[JOKE REDACTED AND IT’S NOT EVEN ABOUT PASHA]. Once done they set up for their picnic, and as usual for an olde-school English picnic, there’s lots of ginger beer, potted meat sandwiches, quiche and
lots and lots of ham. And
And to finish! Champagne!
Erm…yes. Notice that Ola’s the only there who actually wants to drink it. Probably for the best. It’s not the best vintage. Anyway, the BBC then decide to teach the kids an even better lesson,
the one about drinking and driving, because it makes driving more fun. (Note : KEEP THAT BOTTLE AWAY FROM ALESHA!) (Note : Not really, GIVE IT TO ALESHA!). Anyway, this all goes on for another hour, and I’m already well past my limit of stupid sleazy sex jokes for one recap (HA! Like that’s true…) so here’s the end.
Out pops Tess and
that Winning Streak Of Dresses That Didn’t Totally Suck ended at 1 didn’t it? She does her usual job of thanking the invisible people who finished dancing this as a pre-record about 3 hours ago, and reminds us that it’s MOVIE WEEK on Strictly Come Dancing. I wouldn’t know what movie that opening dance was a tribute to, and I’m glad I’m never going to find out. But, Tess asks, who will be having a “Saturday Night Fever” (OH MY GOD WHATEVER TESS, WE ALL KNOW THE RESULTS SHOW IS ACTUALLY FILMED ON A SUN…Oh, wait, I’m confused) and who will be “Staying Alive”? Erm…all of them?
Here are our judges
and here’s Claudia.
Who’s come as THE COLOUR PURPLE!!!!!!!! LOL!!!
Ahem, anyway. Tonight, Britain’s favourite “tenner”, the one you find in your pocket when you didn’t even know it was there and it means you can buy MOAR HARIBO. Oh, no, wait, it’s Britain’s favourite “tenor”, Alfie Boe. Not after this he bloody isn’t. Also, Len’s Glans, and our pro dancers taking us back to the Golden Age of Hollywood. Go on Claudia, DARE YOU to guess what Strictly Genre it’s supposed to be. DARE YOU. But first, let’s learn some things from a recap.
a) This show is about to expect us to believe Len is delighted and embarrassed in equal measure to have been accidentally caught singing “Saturday Night At The Movies”
about 10 minutes after he openly BELLOWS IT down the camera-lens. This lack of internal logic is a Movie Week tribute to Southland Tales.
b) Sometimes a picture needs to be shown
even without a joke to go with it.
c) After Harry’s tale of last week,
Chelsee too is now craving that giant sandwich. Mmm…anchovies.
d) Harry practiced hard to find the best way to get a 10 from Len for a BLOKERUMBA
before one of the pros clued him in that that only works for SPORTSMEN.
e) Robbie thinks that was underma…oh no, wait, things we LEARNT. NEW THINGS. Carry on.
f) Rumba is the HARDEST DANCE in LATIN for M…oh, no, hang on, same problem.
g) Harry had a dream last night that he got four nines. That’s the special number you dial when you need to let the police know that it’s an
Aliona-related emergency. Vampires, giant swing-sets, pelicans, flamethrowers, unicycles, the cast of “Waiting For God”. ALL BETS ARE OFF, COPPERS.
h) Alex thinks there’s nothing worse than the feeling of being out there on the dance-floor, getting stuck, and not knowing what to do about it.
That and when an episode of Ben 10 is over and you have to wait a WHOLE WEEK for another one.
i) Alex is considering dancing next week in jeans and a t-shirt. I’ve got a feeling Holly might already have bagsied that one Alex.
j) Holly was
quite pleased with how her paso went
k) DING DING
THE SCHADENFREUDE BUS IS NOW BOARDING!
l) Erin’s bitch-face
did not go unnoticed by the looks of it.
m) As amazing as it was, I’ve still
no idea what movie Chelsee’s dance was a tribute to. Princess Bride? Tangled?
n) Oh and this series is
still so rigged, so shamefully. BBC LIES. I BET THEY’VE ALREADY TOLD HMV TO RELEASE HOLLY’S WINNER SINGLE EARLY.
Poor effort from Pasha this week, I felt. And only one week til voting opens for the STRICTLY SAFETY SEX-FACE OF THE YEAR. Step it up Pasha, you already messed up those botofogs. In the Bottom 2?
The audience go “nooo!” and act mildly shocked. COME ON PEOPLE, THIS COULD BE THE SHOCK BOOT THIS SERIES HAS BEGGED FOR FOR THE LAST TWO MONTHS! Get it together! Tess asks Bruno how he’d feel if Jason had to leave, given as how he gave him a 10 last night. Who DIDN’T Bruno give a 10 last night? The only reason Harry didn’t get one was that scarf, which was too gay even for Bruno. Bruno does his best
despair face, and says that Jason’s routine was amazing, and everyone will miss him if he has to go. Because he always gives everything to every dance, 100%, never skimping on commitment. You can tell I’m not editor at this point because we don’t CRASH-ZOOM to Holly, drinking a Fosters and playing on her Nintendo 3DS.
Up to Claud 9 now, where Claudia is with
both our safe couples. She congratulates them both on being safe for another week, with
the cracks already starting to show on James. Maybe the thought of spending another week eating only Princess Barbie Spaghetti Shapes in tomato sauce is wearing on him. These faddy eating stages…
Claudia tells them both that if it were Strictly Cum-Reactions (SHOUT-OUT!) they’d both win. That’s what I’d say. Alex says that she is shocked, in fact she can’t believe theat they’ve counted the votes up properly. Claudia reassures Alex that
there are lots of boys and girls who work on Strictly, so all their fingers and thumbs added together definitely do make up enough to count the votes. Well…Jason’s at least. Claudia gives her more “your little face!” and tells her that she reacted just like her toddler.
God, how patronising Claudia, she’s a grown woman, stop comparing her actions to that of a child. Honestly, some people. So rude.
Alex carries on saying that she really thought it’d be her last dance (me too) especially given the wardrobe malfunctions throughout, so she’s so happy and grateful and so on. Chelsee is next and Claudia tells her that, just as it is every week, her favourite thing about Chelsee is that she has low self-esteem like all nice girls do. Chelsee says thanks.
Next up : Alfie Boe!
Doing operatic versions of Bond themes. Why, is never quite explained. Next week, Steps do Hi-NRG pop remixes of the Cabaret score, including “Life Is A Tragedy”, “Mein H”, “Tomorrow Belongs To Scooch”, and “Two Ladies (And Lisa Scott-Lee)”. Once again he’s brought his own dancers, and I don’t know why. Once again, people complain that it’s not the Strictly Pros, and I don’t know why. Does anyone really want to see Natalie Lowe doing this?
Not so much a dance-move as a demonstration by the air-stewardesses as to how to use the on-board toilet facilities. I guess for once they don’t need to tell you where the exits are…
He does “Live And Let Die”, “Nobody Does It Better”, “We Have All The Time In The World” all in an undone bow-tie. It’s stoopid. The one mercy is that Bloody Lulu doesn’t walk on and do “The Man With The Golden Gun” with him. SHE DID A BOND THEME! AND “SHOUT”! AND “TO SIR WITH LOVE”! AND HOWARD DONALD! OR JASON ORANGE! ONE OF THEM! WHY AREN’T YOU LOOKING AT ME? LOOK AT ME! I WAS NEVER ELIMINATED!
Yeah, huge fan.
You know what this means? Yes, it’s time for Len’s Glans. Look
Bruno’s just inserting the endoscopic camera now. Now where have I have seen that face before this week?
Len’s Glans, Kristina’s Arse. This is truly Bruno’s unfussiest series yet. HE’S SINGLE, AND READY TO MINGLE! Dances? First up – Chelsee’s jive, and Len says it’s really good. Next, Holly’s paso. Alesha says it’s really good. Next, Jason’s American Smooth. Craig says it’s really good. Anyone feel like this segment is maybe struggling in this post-Russell era? At least Alex can reliably be called upon to
do something wrong that can be picked apart in slow-motion detail. LOOK AT HOW HER HEEL IS CAUGHT! POOR GIRL! *gawp gawp gawp*.
Fortunately we have a solid-gold comedy classic to end on.
OH MY GOD, LEN IS SINGING “SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE MOVIES”! THE HILARITY! THE UNEXPECTED NOVEL HILARITY! LEN IS SO
AMUSED AND ASHAMED IN EQUAL MEASURE!
One more Safety Sex-Face?
Alright, Tim Henman. This means that in the Bottom 2 are
these two. That’s right, Holly did get a Bottom 2 Bounce after all. It just two weeks to arrive because it was busy last week in Harrods spending all its boyfriend’s money and then having a 3 hour lie-in the next day. Tess asks Len how he feels about Robbie & Ola being in the bottom 2, and he says he doesn’t want Robbie to go home because the thought of a Final 5 without a sportsman in
makes him want to throw up. THAT was why Series 7 was such a failure YES IT WAS. Let’s get rid of Jason, he’s one of them airy-fairy actors, BLECH, bet he kissed a boy once and everything, and don’t tell Len that it was for a play because that STILL COUNTS.
Next up, “inspired by the music of Fred Astaire & The Rat Pack” (what a supergroup that would be. You could have Ginnnnnnnnge as the Bez), it’s time for the rest of the non-Charleston pros (minus Team Ka$ha sadly, because who wouldn’t love to see Pasha in the middle of an Erin & Anton Routine of Classiness dressed exactly as he definitely isn’t right now?) to transport us back to the boring days of Old Hollywood. Sorry, the Glory Days of Old Hollywood.
Natalie’s got the glass, Flavia’s got the bottle, Erin’s already drunk so much Malibu on Erin Island that she is, technically speaking, 45% proof already, so she can’t drink anymore lest she give the entire audience liver failure off the fumes. Anton, Vincent and Brenda
hang up their duds, and join them for a very classy whirl around the zzzz….sorry nodded off there for a minute. Didn’t we do this last week? Anyway, the dance gives lie to the idea of being transported back to Old Hollywood right away because
like this is getting past The Hays Code. They dance to “Cheek To Cheek”, “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” and “The Way You Look Tonight”. The transition between the second and third songs being so seemless half the audience gets up to give it all a standing ovation then hurredly sit down again.
at least Natalie’s enjoying herself.
And subsequently to the Tessanine and our l-l-l-l-losers of the week. Claudia asks Jason how he felt when he heard his name called out earlier, and Jason starts to speechify that it’s truly been an incredible journey, but hold up
Kristina’s crying all over the place so, as a tv presenter from birth, senses the story and tells him to shut up so she can speak to Kristina instead. Smooth move Winkles. Kristina just cries some more. There hasn’t been this much crying on the show since Alex watched The Lion King and Uncle James and Auntie Ola got into a fight over how he refused to promise to her that he would never die like Mufasa did, and OH GOD WHAT DOES IT MATTER, WE’RE HANDING HER BACK TO HER PARENTS IN TWO WEEKS, SHE’S NEVER GOING TO KNOW, JUST LIE TO THE GIRL.
Anyway, Claudia gives Kristina her best baby voice and “I vewwy wuwwied about WOO!” talk until the audience actually go “awwwwww!” at a 30something year old woman crying that she might not win a gameshow. Next she asks Robbie if he’d love to be here next week and RUIN KRISTINA’S DREAMS in the process, and he says he’s just glad to have come on and made the public love him after he spent years as the most hated man in the galaxy. Or something. He couldn’t even walk past Venus without being spat on. And it’s all down to the HYPNOBOOBS. And Ola. A bit. He wants to go home now, and hopes he’s been voted out in favour of Jason.
Not about to be gazzumped, Jason decides he wants to give another speech about how proud everyone should be of what they’ve achieved this series (except Nancy).
Claudia is not so keen. It’s too late Claudia, you can’t vote for Robbie now. Lines have closed. Even for your invisible phone.
He’s gone, in the first all-male Bottom 2 since the last one Kristina was in, FACT FANS. And as if to add to her Week Of Tragedy,
Kristina needs the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Over to Tess Robbie & Ola go where her face says
“yes, yes, I know I should have got my chebs out again, but I’m not a piece of meat you know”. Tess tells him that he came here as a footballer, and left a dancer. I’d say personally he came as a footballer and left as a footballer people had actually heard of. Which is equally a triumph I guess. Robbie gives a nice-enough speech about how he hopes that nation now understand who he REALLY IS as a human being, and Ola very genuinely says what a great time she’s had teaching him how to rip his trousers off all in one go. I mean “dance”.