Cinematic Presentations Week saves the day yet again! (*fanfare*)
Last week : nothing as amazing as this
happened, despite it being supposedly the “Magnificent Seven” week. Boo. Also, the BBC have apparently lost all the footage so have had to rely on
borrowing a tape from Arlene. Harry took 39 Steps towards a perfect score (it was an Aliona routine darling, double that and add a drink on top), James enjoyed some
special attention from Craig (again, I’m guessing this is Arlene’s…editing here), and Anita
got swallowed up by a giant velvet vagina. I really think people should be checking on Arlene more often to be honest. Just sending her a shoe-box full of tinned ravioli at harvest time isn’t enough any more.
(More disturbingly, Tess mis-uses the word “prequel”, which hurts my little film-snobby heart).
Anyway this week it’s Movie Week, a week designed to be over-produced, melodramatic, and gurntacular as possible. Anyone worrying on how Anita’s doing, having being culled only one week removed from her natural home should worry no more. She and her Bobby are catching up on
some Barbra Streisand classics. (LOL SHE’S UGLY). That guy does love his gay icons. They’re also watching some obscure 70s exploitation film about an
off-duty drag queen. Poor Billy Connolly. He sent his wife off thinking he was going to get a dancer back, and instead he’s got a fag-hag. Oh well. Such is Strictly. At least Harry is remembering his roots
His very very middle-class roots (that’s him dropping Aliona on her arse and going “oooh, sorry!” by the way)
They have just stuck Brucie’s head on a woman’s body there haven’t they? Oh editors you WAGS.
We start with a pro-dance, celebrating a 1950s movie fantasia, where the film always started on time, usherettes showed you to your designated seats, and they DIDN’T COMBINE THE QUEUE FOR TICKETS WITH THE QUEUE FOR FOOD, OH MY GOD, THE PAIN, THE ACTUAL PHYSICAL STABBING PAIN. Ahem, anyway
Vincent picks up his date,
which is Flavia, and they all do a swing dance with the other pro couples. Pasha and Robin are geeks, James is a jock, Brenda’s a greaser, Artem’s a swell, the girls are all pretty and Anton and Erin are absent. Jive done, Vincent and Flavia pick up their tickets from
the creepy old man who sits in the projection room spying on couples making out in the back row, Robin gets
closer to carpet than he has for many years now, and everyone takes their seats for the film. It’s called “King Kong 2 :
Return To Erin Island”. It features a beautiful delicate young starlet being ravaged by a great big hairy clod-hopping beast. Movie over, Flavia and Vincent return home, where, in a SHOCK TWIST ENDING worthy of The Sixth Sense, it turns out that Vincent was only buttering Flavia up so he could try and cop off with
her dad. What a FIEND.
The band strikes up and it’s time for another famous film
Jurassic Park 2 : The Lost Marbles. Oh and, I knew it’d be a great week when Tess Dress Watch actually yielded
something flattering, well-accessorised, and age-appropriate. Wonders never cease. “Niceterseeyer” also yields
a whole GALAXY of stars. Look, it Jane “POOR ANTON!” Horrocks, that newsreader who’s going to do the show next year, a McFlea, Strictly Champion Kara Toytown, Strictly Non-Champion Joe Calsaggy and even Count Fortuna! All the stars! Bruce then ruins it by yelling “NOT NOW ALLISON!” for no reason. Tess reassures us all that this is just Bruce’s friend in the audience. I’m so sure. The (constant) audience in his head maybe.
Brief…episode over, Bruce tells us all that it’s Movie Week, and the celebrities will be performing dances inspired by famous Movies. Apparently at one point the producers suggested that Bruce dance with all the female professionals, in a tribute to “Mission Impossible”. Then Bruce suggested that the theme for the dance instead be “Last Tango In Paris” and the idea was scrapped. Kristina’s never seeing that butter ever again…
Bruce stumbles over the very tricky hurdle of saying “five” instead of “live”, everyone screeches with laughter, it’s time to meet the STARS OF OUR SHOW.
Oh Christ, Dominic Littlewood’s back… Guard your arse Chelsee, guard your arse.
Once everyone’s out, I’m sadly reminded that the luvvie clique is now dead (RIP FOREVER) and Bruce does one last check to make sure that Brenda isn’t lurking somewhere towards the back. I’d suggest that he double-check under “Artem”‘s mask to make sure but…I think the teeth give it away somewhat. He also tells us that if anyone wants a choc-ice, then he’ll be standing at the side. Nobody put their hand in his popcorn though, I’m warning you now.
All the couples will dance once, then we’ll vote, and someone will go home. Whoever it is, it won’t be as ORGASMIC as when Widdy went home during this week last year, but hey, what could be? Certainly not this week’s Very Special Guest up on Starship Karen
Rory McGrath. Really were struggling this week weren’t they? Ah well, he won’t be there for long, because after that display Karen’s about to kick him right in the airlock and blast him off into the nether reaches of the darkest blackest most desolate corner of the galaxy (aka Series 7).
Roy Orbison & Stevie Wonder dancing the quickstep
Photoshop some dreads and a dashiki on him and we’d be there wouldn’t we? Bruce announces that they are a fabulous couple and everybody loves them. Not that they’re over-egging the intros this year or anything. Apparently Bruce told Robbie this week that he knew as soon as heard it was Movie Week what film he’d be dancing in tribute to. Legally Blonde! Because Robbie is blonde! And has hair! Which is blonde! BLONDE! DAVEARCH joke face?
That’s the stuff.
VT time now, and sadly we don’t cover easily the most important event of last week – Robbie grabbing Ola right on the HYPNOBOOB (I notice that they’ve been put away tonight. Their power really was becoming too great for humanity to withstand), and instead we just get a lot of waffle from Robbie about how he was really nervous
whipping his kecks off. The only way this could have been redeemed was if it had been at Prescott again. And then only marginally. And then to top all that off, he only scored 25 and was first out the Slide-a-ma-jig boo hoo, but the PUBLIC SAVED HIM AGAIN, despite Natalie Lowe voting 50 times each for Alex and Anita so she might
get her Fierce Scarves back, the thieving get.
Training now, and Robbie promises that, now that he’s back in ballroom, he’s actually going to do the dance rather than relying on stripping and HYPNOBOOBS and go for his best score yet (which at the moment is 31, FACT FANS). Not trying so hard that he hasn’t got time for this week’s COMEDY MOVIE VT though. Ola tells him that he doesn’t have quite the right look to be dancing to a song from Reservoir Dogs.
Although given her accent is sounds, ironically enough, more like she’s saying that he doesn’t have the “Quiet Riot look”. Which, you know, he actually does. STICK THAT IN YOUR IRONY PIPE AND SMOKE IT ALAN MORRISETTE! Anyway, Ola’s talking about Robbie’s hair because…when is anybody NOT talking about that? So…she’s called in
I’m going to get through the rest of this segment by pretending he’s fit, don’t mind me. It’s possible, and also, given that he’s a hairdresser, he’s likely to be erm…more ammenable than many of the other men on the show. In the meantime
here’s some acting, in tribute to the Mexican Stand-Off scene from Reservoir Dogs. I can only apologise to Pasha for saying he was the worst last week. Oh Pasha, you were never the worst.
For any Star Wars style obsessives out there, Robbie definitely shot first (Poor Mrs Robbie).
To the dance-floor now and
as special-effects go, this is actually quite cool. Although the unfortunate side-effect of it making Robbie look like he has KILLER DANDRUFF is a tad unfortunate. They’re dancing, of course, to “Little Green Bag” aka “That Song That Plays When They’re Doing The Walk”. As Robbie is playing Mr Blonde, I fully expect him to slice one of Pasha’s “ears” off mid-dance and then get shot to death by Mrs Orange (aka Ola). Sadly, it does not play out this way
although it does feature an awful lot of tribute to the ICONIC (*DRINK*) Walk from the film. What Quickstep there is
is actually alright, in the “endearingly blokey but a bit crap” sense I think I was expecting to find in his stripping and his knee-sliding and his Robbie Williams choo-choo arms which I never did. He’s obviously the worst dancer remaining, but I wouldn’t have minded him surviving for one more week if he had. Those shoulder-pads are
doing nothing for his top-line though, unless the plot of the dance involved a sub-tribute to Dynasty or something. Those things are pure Joan Collins.
Ola congratulates him on a job well done, and up on the Tessanine
Anton’s a fan. Either that or Arlene’s set her Photshopped Craig on him from underneath the sofa. No standing ovation though. Ah well. Over to Bruce they go, where the man himself
stares at Ola’s boobs, mispronounces her name, and tells her she’s over-dressed. What a fun week it is in Bruce’s mind this week. Maybe I’m being unfair, and the HYPNOBOOBS are at full tilt this week, YEARNING TO BE FREE. Even
DAVEARCH is feeling the pull. Happily The Man In The Hat remains strong. There’s obviously tin-foil under that hat. Do you know who else the HYPNOBOOBS have no effect on?
Bruno. Funny that. Anyway, to introduce our Beloved Judges, the theme from Jaws plays. Well…nominally the theme from Jaws. It sounds more like Widdy bouncing up and down on top of a piano. Whatever gets you off, I guess.
As it’s Movie Week it’s time do a “The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly” joke about the male judges,
and for Bruce to fawn abominably at Alesha and tell her that “A STAR IS BORN!”
This comparison makes the racist R2D2s blue. Personally I was more imagining “All About Eve”, with Chelsee as the Eve. I can’t wait for “I’m givin’ it a 10 aren’t I Pash?” before every score.
Len starts for the panel, saying that Robbie’s given him a lot of pleasure throughout the series. Well that would explain that jive getting an 8 anyway. Len loved the enthusiasm and also Robbie’s SPORTSMAN’S GIANT PENI…I mean, “SPORTSMAN’S WILL TO WIN!” *cough cough* excuse me. It was a bit rough around the edges though. And in the middle. And on the underside as well. Still, he made the best of what he’s got. Alesha follows
and purrs at Robbie that he is a smooth operator. Good posture, light feet, and very cool.
Bruno’s next and says that he loved the attitude and style – he was strutting around like a cross between Kate Moss and Russell Brand. Personally I thought it was more like Katy Brand and Rustling Moss, but there we are. Ola looks a bit like
this was not really what she was going for. Bruno also liked the tricky footwork, and also how erect Robbie was. Yeah…Len liked that as well… Craig then closes by criticising his knee-pulses, head-placement, swing and sway, lack of drive, rabbity bounce, crap hair, over-done styling, puppy-dog pleading, crap driving, poor seasoning, how he never calls his mother, pitchy singing, inept
piano playing and also just his face. He did however “like the concept”. Oof.
Bruce is all,
“KNEE PULSES? I CAN’T FEEL MY PULSE IN MY KNEE! DOES THIS MEAN I’M DEAD? AGAIN?” and everyone humours him.
Up to the Tessanine they little green bag and
OMG, TESS HAS JUST NOTICED THAT PASHA HAS TOTALLY COME AS SHREK! Keep up dear. Tess asks Robbie if that’s the fastest he’s ever moved his feet? Secondly only to when he got in the changing rooms and found out what James and Brenda actually meant when they asked if he wanted to take a team-bath.
Poor Ola. Tess then asks him if he feels he’s been on a journey? He started the competition with two left feet, and now he’s a Ballroom Boy star, only two weeks away from the final! I think the more salient point is that he started the competition
dressed like this. That’s the real JOURNEY here. Robbie says that he’s really pleased that he got through the dance because he’s had a difficult week, which we all know about at this point so I don’t need to cover yes? Scores are in –
Incidentally, I think Natalie Lowe is giving Chelsee some sort of massage as Tess reads out his number. Such a bond.
Friend To The King Of The Jungle Harry McFlea & Aliona Vilani dancing the rumba
That neck-wrap is…spectacularly homosexual isn’t it? No two ways about it, he looks like he should be dressing the windows in Next or hanging off the arm of some 50-year old theatre producer wielding his will over casting decisions with a flutter of his eyebrows. I know Robin Hood : Prince Of Thieves was a bit of a meterosexual rendering of the myth, but still… Bruce tells us all that he’ll be dancing to the theme tune from Robin Hood : Prince of Thieves. Not in my house Bruce. Not so long as the mute button exists. Bruce jokes that Robin Hood once climbed down from a tower using the ladder in his tights. Harry Judd joke-face?
VT time now, and we’re reminded that Harry’s Quickstep from last week was
quite good. Harry says that he wasn’t expecting one 10, let alone three. Really? Not even from Alesha? You were, technically speaking, upright. And moved a bit. You didn’t think that would be enough? There’s also room for improvement – one more point of improvement. Oh Harry, don’t worry about it. A 9 from Craig is technically speaking, better than a 10. Long time viewers will tell you. Still, the swing-my-dick was awesome
especially for any trainee gynecologists that might have been watching.
Training now, and we open on
Aliona elbowing Harry in the face and then sensitively and sympathetically soothing the injury by
ramming her hand in his face. Such a delicate caress. Harry mugs that he’s used to this abuse from Aliona, and then, as if to compound this, Aliona mewls that Robin Hood wears tights in the movie, so maybe Harry should also wear tights? Harry says “how about no?”, and then Aliona says “not even if you wear them over your face, bank-robber style, in a modernistic contemporary lyrical HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOO YORRRRRRRRRRRRRRK reinterpretation of the Robin Hood myth transported to modern day Detroit danced to Swagger Jagger?”. Well…she doesn’t, but you can tell she’s thinking it
Anyway, the next day, Harry receives a note saying that
if he ever wants to dance with Aliona again, he has to come to the forest to meet with the Sheriff Of Rottingham. Briefly this has be hoping that there’s been a last minute change of movie-tribute and Harry will in fact be dancing to this.
Harry’s reply is
“oh good another comedy vt hooray this will be fun”
comedy tights, Harry yelling “THIS ISN’T FUNNY!” (SHOUT-OUT!), Aliona
acting like she’s in cheap porn (quelle surprise) and the reveal that all this time it was
Brenda who was behind this ploy to see Harry in tights. WHAT A SHOCKER! DUNN DUNN DURRRRRRRRN! Next week : Harry gets a message that Aliona is being held captive in the Strictly sauna, and will only be released if he comes along nude. I WONDER WHO COULD BE BEHIND THIS WEEK’S SCHEME
To the dance-floor and
oh good, brown flared trousers and an earth-toned belt as well. Really GO for that gay market War Drobe. Go for it by the nads. Of course he’s dancing to absolute silence, as I am not allowing That Song in my house. It’s hard to tell if he’s on time or not this way, but at least I don’t have to stab myself in the ears.
As rumbas go, it’s actually not bad, especially for a male celebrity (as we all know, rumba is HARD FOR PEOPLE WITH XY CHROMOSOMES TO DO). I’d say the best since Matt Di Angelo at least anyway. It’s quite basic, and simple, which is probably for the best because when Aliona kicks things up a notch
it goes a bit bizarre, but he’s really tapping into his romantic side, the arms (outside his SPATULISTIC, SPATULISTIC, BIG OL BANANAS AT THE BACK hands) are very elegant, and his hips are moving well for the most part. They also manage to make that move where the man sticks his face in the woman’s bumpers
look not unclassy. To a degree.
It gets the usual combination – a Standing Ovation, a “HARRY LOOK, LOOK HARRY, LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE, LOOK AT THEM ALL, THEY’RE STANDING UP FOR YOU HARRY, LOOK AT THEM, LOOK, LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE, HARRY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK AT THEM, THEY’RE ON THEIR FEET, LOOK, HARRY!” and a
Once everyone’s calmed down, Bruce asks Alesha if that got her
oh Bruce, what do you think? It was the best rumba she’s seen from a male celebrity in some time.
It was touching, it was sensitive, it was romantic, it was natural, it was convincing, and it gave her the right horn and no mistake. Speaking of which…here’s Bruno! Harry of course
in no way encourages him. Bruno is in fact fairly subdued (maybe he was so aroused these comments are during the…erm…come down. Shall we say?) and says that normally a rumba at this point can scupper a man’s chances, but not Harry’s. He made something that could have been tragic, instead, a little bit magic. The choreography was well-balanced, and there was a nice mix of shapes. Great job.
Bruno-perve diminished it’s left up to Craig to pull “hello ducky” face and tell Harry that he’s obviously been working on his hip action, especially given the tightness of his trousers
MEOW! Bruce asks Craig where he’s been looking then? Erm…the hips? Anyway, Craig loved it for its cleanliness, its simplicity, and its basicness. Between this and “I like the concept”, Craig is running a great line in backhanded compliments this evening. Len closes by saying that he didn’t like Harry’s spiky hands (Poor Mrs Harry. Trim your fingernails, boy)
but there’s no way he’s going home tonight after that dance. Woo!
Up to the Tessanine they absolute Bryan-Adams-less silence, where Tess greets them by
gesturing to her crotch and asking Harry if he can feel the power. The power of rumba on her ovaries? CAN HE? Harry says that he did feel the power. He loves the rumba. Tess asks if he’s feeling the pressure after topping the leaderboard last week, Harry says he’s just trying to enjoy himself every week, Tess
fumbles round in her brain for another question, and comes up with asking Harry if he’s wearing tights underneath his clothes. Harry replies that he has indeed kept the tights. Aliona’s already filling them with custard ready for their Charleston next week. WACKY HIJINKS AHOY. Scores are in –
36. I almost wish it had got a 10 so we didn’t have to put up with at least one whole week of “DID YOU KNOW THAT NO MALE CELEBRITY HAS EVER SCORED A 10 IN THE RUMBA?” next series. Oh well. No woman’s ever scored a 10 for a salsa either but you don’t here them BAFFLING ON about that.
The Diary Of Alex Jones Aged 8 3/4, & James Jordan dancing the American Smooth
They are, you will be surprised to hear, another popular couple. I hope Holly gets introduced with “oh Lord, not those two fuckwhits again” or something similar. Bruce does seem a little…off his meds tonight. They’re dancing to the theme from Pretty Woman, which is a film that apparently made Bruce cry.
He was really rooting for that fat balding sweaty snobby rapist one. Such a character. DIDN’T HE DESERVE LOVE TOO? JUST BECAUSE HE WAS FAT AND BALDING AND A SNOB AND SWEATY AND A RAPIST, SHOULD WE REALLY SHUN HIM?
VT time, and Alex reminds us that last week she danced the Charleston, and got really excited when everyone stood up at the end, because that meant that they thought it was good so she thought that the judges would also think it was good but then the judges didn’t think it was good and then James got angry and punched the wall and used some words that made Alex feel sad but then he said sorry and bought her an ice-cream and Ola showed her how to plait her hair and they talked about the wanted and she was happy again.
Training now, and Alex tells us that this week she’s dancing the American Smooth, which is “like a foxtrot with lifty bits”
So true. Unless you’re Artem obviously. Then it’s like a ballet with squiggly bits or a contemporary dance with Buble bits.
She’s extra excited because she’s dancing it to the theme tune of Pretty Woman, and she LOVES that film. Or at least the 40-minute edit of it her parents made for her with all the bits about prostitution, drugs and rape taken out. Basically it’s a giant loop of that scene of Julia Roberts in the bath and occasionally shots of horses.
Training goes alright, although Alex appears to be getting too excited and trying to bolt the dance, and James is getting impatient with her. Alex mugs that this is a whole new side to James that she is just seeing now (?!?!?!??!) so she’s a bit put out, but it’s alright, because James is
giving her his credit card and pin number to go and treat herself with.
And Alex Jones was never seen again.
OK, not really she just
does a lot of shopping with it, and then James yells at her because he only meant for her to buy lunch and then Alex
says that line that’s in Pretty Woman about it being a huge mistake to be rude to a hooker because one day she might be rich. This being the moral of Pretty Woman. That and “Those people who say money can’t buy you love aren’t trying hard enough”. I love that film.
To the dancefloor now and
I see that Vincent’s Cafe has had a refurb. Although at least there’s dancing going on in it this time. Alex Jones dancing, but still…dancing. Alex vamps down the stairs as James
frets about her being late. It’s not her fault James, she forgot how to tie her shoelaces again, and there was no-one there to help. She asked Holly once but she just tied them together and laughed at her when she fell over. MEAN. Anyway, Alex eventually arrives
gets her wrist kissed, and they begin to dance. Again, it’s Alex Jones Ballroom, which is better than Alex Jones Latin until she gets an Alex Jones Wardrobe Malfunction which happens
at least twice. It’s very fast, quite elegant, with a little bit of a lot of shoving on occasion to get her in the right place, and
not the most elegant lifts in the world. There’s an odd bit towards the end where they’re walking and flapping their arms and looking about 10% as elegant as James envisioned them being whilst doing so but
it ends on Alex getting SPARKLES, so she’s happy.
No standing ovation, and Alex is a little grizzly over having repeatedly trod on her dress. Oh well. Bruno starts for the judges
and tells her not to worry, because she’s a very pretty girl. Thanks Paula Abdul. Her transitions were fabulous, her turns were great and fluid, and the tiny incidents didn’t spoil the GORGEOUSNESS of that dance. Craig follows, and praises her for finally learning how to “put sexy into dance”. Dasexynce? Is that a Welsh place name? Whatever it is the Man Who Hates Bruce’s Jokes
is actually so bored he’s playing his guitar in the background at this point. It’s alright MWHBJ…Holly’s on next! The levels of excitement and commitment are going to go THROUGH THE EFFING ROOF.
Len follows saying that he loved the dance, shame about the feather steps, and Alesha closes by saying it was a gorgeous routine to a beautiful song. Well done on consistently improving and having a journey and that. Craig hasn’t done a backhanded compliment so it’s left up to Bruce to tell her that she really has improved, no, really
she should look back at some of the older episodes and see just how embarrassing she truly was. It’s a revelation!
Up to the Tessanine they walk down the street, where Tess tells her not to be hard on herself, because the audience LOVED IT. No standing ovation means they LOATHED IT MORE THAN THEY LOATHE SEX-CRIMES Tess, what are you talking about? James mumbles something about “DressGate” which would be a bit like calling a political scandal “LieGate” or “MistressGate” ie it’s not really going to make it stand out. This series. Alex says that Pretty Woman is her favourite film and then James says it’s his too and he uses that stupid gay voice to do it. Hooray. Alex chides him and says that she’s sure he said it was Ghost.
I’ll say. Alex mithers a little that Julia Roberts dress never got stuck in the film though did it? No Alex, but she did almost get raped so…swings and roundabouts eh? Tess sympathises and says James could make a living as a Richard Gere stunt double.
In which case, Brenda better prepare his gerbil outfit. Scores are in
Wobbly Balance & El Luchadore Negro dancing the paso doble
I love that she’s come to redeem the paso for the hamster-faced. SCREW YOU BUNTON. WE CAN DO THE HAMSTER-PASO WITH DIGNITY AGAIN! Apparently Holly told Bruce that he’d make a good Zorro, so
Bruce turned up to her dressing room wearing nothing but a cordobes hat, mask and black shower curtain. Poor Wilnelia. Poor Holly. Poor Us All. Holly Joke Face?
I’m guessing she’s saving her PASSION and FIRE for the dance.
VT now and Holly’s all
“I got a feather boa, what dance?” Retroactively Holly says that she’s really proud of herself for dancing solo and also not mucking up any moves at all, a fact that she still can’t quite believe. Me either. Craig said it was fantastic, Artem was ecstatic, and
LOL oops she was in the bottom two again never mind. Holly lies that she’s worked really hard and she really wants this and she feels like she’s letting Artem down. To be fair, wouldn’t you when faced with that NUCLEAR STRENGTH Woobie Face? He’s not even injured. EXCEPT IN HIS SOUL.
Training now, and with it, the news that Holly has the
paso doble. Which looks like it’s being given a mild Vorderumba twist there, but I have faith that Artem will come good in the end. Holly tells us all that the paso doble suits her much better as a personality than all that fluffy foxtrot stuff because she’s a
right bitch and no mistake. HOORAY! This is like when Hobbity Hollins said that he loved rumbas! No more girls saying they can’t possibly do paso coz they’re too nice and fluffy. EMBRACE YOURBITCHASSNESS.
Holly says that their paso is in honour of the film “Zorro” so Artem has something up his sleeve to help her to get into character. Is it Catherine Zeta Jones? Is Holly going to get to stab her with an epee? Because that would certainly motivate me. No, sadly it’s just
fencing lessons with Artem. In Holly’s house by the looks of it. Or at least, the house she owns that her servants live in. Holly wins, and as reward she strips Artem
with the point of her sword, as if it double-whammy both Aliona’s porny Comedy VTs AND the HYPNOBOOBS in one fell swoop. Now there’s a plan I can get behind.
To the dance-floor and yes
it’s a Ku Klux-Klan rugby themed paso. OK, not really, the H is for “Holly”. Also possibly for “Hilarity” given how Artem’s dressed. Also “HALLELUJAH!” as Holly finally unleashes her inner
giving a crap, and nails a dance. So haughty, so nasty, so paso. Bless the audience members trying to clap along to “Authentic Paso-Ish Music” (Sort Of) though. It’s like watching 250 simultaneously trying to catch a particularly drunken fly.
(I think my favourite bit is when she
goes FULL MTV for no actual reason. You can take the girl out of the tarty videos but you can’t etc etc…) It gets a Standing Ovation complete with Bruce screaming “LOOK! LOOK! LOOK HOLLY LOOK!”. Really I’m glad Holly survived this week just because she’s most likely to crack and go “Yes Bruce, I can see, I’m not FUCKING blind you know”. Oh and
don’t be fooled just because the tabloids have got bored and are having fun vilifying Jason instead, she still totes hates her and wants her to KEEP HER HANDS OFF HER MANS. How DARE Saucy Holly strip her Moody Russian Partner with a sword whilst Poor Kara watches on helpless, possibly crying, a source close to the Eastenders lovely revealed.
Craig starts for the judges, and says that was her personal best. See? I KNEW he’d be back on the backhanded compliments sooner or later. Great caping, great shaping, but she needs to stop looking at the floor all the time. Len follows by saying that this competition isn’t about where you start, it’s where you finish. Yes Len, well done Holly, who started off second on the leaderboard….winding up second on the leaderboard. WHAT AN EMOTIONAL JOURNEY! Even more than that one with the talking dogs. Holly jokes that she hopes she’s not finishing just right now, and then does proper
“oh I crack myself up, I do” limp-wrist hand. I love her so much.
Alesha starts yelling “I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU HOLLY!” and sadly it doesn’t devolve into this, but then I think every tv moment ever should devolve into that, so what do I know? Anyway, Alesha’s so pleased that she justified Alesha’s rooting (…unlike Harvey) and delivered in that routine. Alesha BANGS the table and calls Holly a fighter who was really working it out there tonight. To close
Bruno Goes Flamenco. Why not?
Up to the Tessanine they authentic their flamencos, where Tess (none more authentic and flamenco) asks them if that was worth the wait, given that she’s been droning on about doing the paso doble since Week 1 apparently. Holly replies that YES, it was AMAZING, and the choreography was GREAT and all week she’s had so much FUN, and really, this is the high point of her Strictly stay isn’t it? Drink it in. Scores are in –
Meanwhile in the background, Brenda
shoves Robbie over. It’s sophisticated humour like this that has made this series such a classic. LOLBANTER!
Indiana Dononvan & Kristina Rihanoff dancing the American Smooth
And who would want to guess what’s lurking in her Temple Of Doom? Bruce tells us all that Jason will be dancing to Singing In The Rain, which is apparently Bruce’s favourite musical of all time. Well, that and this one. Apparently Jason asked Bruce for some help really getting into the spirit of the routine. Really Jason, if you want practice in being wet you’d be better off talking to Tess.
VT time now, and Jason reveals exclusively that the Charleston was a dance that he was happy with, but he did think that they might do a little better in the Swingathon, but “the Juddmeister” (oh my God he even has the most middle-class nicknames!), and “that Chelsee” were on fire and couldn’t be stopped. I notice he doesn’t also say that Alex Jones beat him (well, you wouldn’t would you?), or that he only barely beat Holly, who was I think technically speaking was actually asleep for most of it. I like to think the music people play “Wow” by Kylie over the top of his Swing-ma-pig footage because it sounds exactly like a car failing to start, which, I think, is only fitting.
We close with Jason reminding us, now Anita’s gone,
he’s going to be putting on a curly wig and lipstick and hopefully reaping some Strictly Old Lady Bonus Points. Hooray!
Training now, and the VT producers play “Let’s Face The Music And Dance”. I can’t believe nobody’s danced to that yet on this show. Maybe they’ve learnt that it’s just TOO POWERFUL and the judges would score it 41 and it would break BT to handle the phone-calls. And you thought audience soppiness was at an all time high when Tom danced to Moon River. Anyway this week Jayson has the American Smooth. Apparently this means it’s
going to rain on him all the time. Are they dancing to Travis? It is that sort of series isn’t it? I would prefer a jive to “Selfish Jean” meself (ZOMG late-period Travis, I’m such a curator of their legacy). Anyway, Jason walks around as raindrops keep falling on his head through a veritable PASSELL of potential Incidental Character Boyfriends (I’ve never been so glad for The Daily Telegraph incidentally, because that one there is apparently doing Movemeber : Bane Of My Life). In the end it turns out that it’s all
due to Kristina. For some reason.
As I said last week – Jason’s VTs are just…beyond reasoning. Maybe it’s the story of the hellish punishment that awaits Andie McDowell in the afterlife. OH! SO YOU’LL NOTICE IT’S RAINING NOW! YOU’LL NOTICE IT’S RAINING, FOREVER.
To the dance-floor and
I don’t know about you, but I think Kristina’s really enjoying having that hair-do. Just a thought. I wouldn’t be surprised if we discovered after the series she had in fact dumped Joe Calzaghe midway through for her weave. Anyway Jason comes out of the Natalie Lowe memorial door and
GET OUT OF HIS BINS, YOU BLOODY KIDS!
This is Jason’s tribute to Gene Kelly, he descends the stairs, does some
solo patter-dancing, some
quite odd but not too awkward lifts with Kristina, and some very nice foxtrot indeed in the middle, before going back to Old Hollywood style showmanship and heel-kicks at the end. It’s still, on second viewing a bit of a wash-out for me, because for me Jason just…isn’t elegance. I think that’s where my disconnect is with this. I like him when he’s doing big brassy camp disco-tits tangos or enlivening naff tributes to 1960s witch-based sitcoms , rather than trying to be Gene Kelly. He’s just a bit too silent-era for me to be a Gene Kelly. I mean really, can you imagine Tom Chambers dancing this? Even as…not the biggest fan of the VICAR OF THE DAMNED, it would have worked much better.
Not to over-intellectualise a dance that ends like this or anything :
It doesn’t get a standing ovation, which…OOF, because I imagine the show probably thought it would. Happily, LIVE TV VETERAN Bruce Forsythe is here to save the day, as he seemlessly yells “LOOK AT THE…LISTEN TO THIS JASON! LISTEN TO THEM!” Such a pro. As Jason walks over, the judges natter amongst themselves, because that routine was so dull/THEY WERE RIGGIN IT TO KEEP JASON DOWN TO PROTECT THEIR PRECIOUS HOLLY etc etc. Bruce catches them out and Len just flusters and starts spouting out Strictly clichés like he’s been woken from sleep-talking.
ICONIC! MY EXPECTATIONS WERE HIGH! THE MUSIC STARTED…erm…GENE KELLY’S SHOES! FOXTROT! LOVELY FOOTWORK! YAY!
Alesha follows by saying that the concept was wonderful and it suited Jason right down to a t. Great beginning, great lifts, elegantly played, and Alesha genuinely believes that Jason deserves to be in the semi-finals. Nice to see Alesha getting in on the “damning with faint praise” act there. This year you could probably make a decent argument that Don Warrington deserves to be in the semi-finals given that his tango was miles better than anything Robbie ever did. Bruno’s next, and he says that Robbie took a big risk here, in paying homage to one of the most popular and well-written films of all time, and it actually paid off!
Yeah, what a risk. He should have played it safe and danced to Gummo. Bless Kristina though, she looks so proud. Great concept, good mix of foxtrot and Hollywood pizznash, excellently performed.
Craig finishes by pulling this face
so you know he loved it. He whinges that everyone’s so good it’s taken the fun of being the Nasty Judge. Just invent a Bloody Lulu routine to slag off Craig, I do it most weeks for fun. (You should have SEEN her jive this week…Jesus…Not even the Planet Of The Apes theme could save it.). He loved it, and thought Jason was full of charisma. Bruce tells Kristina & Jason to “get off before he changes his mind”. [PASHA JOKE REDACTED]
Up to the Tessanine they’re happy again. I swear, Kristina’s girlish glee at how well that dance went is
99% sad in retrospect and entirely relatable, and 1% bloody hilarious. Jason talks about how he really feels that that just clicked for him and he really got into character and he really relaxed and enjoyed it, particularly in the first section, he really felt that that was right in the pocket and it was a real bonza routine mate!
Erin thinks “I partnered snooker players who were less boring than you. HONEST TO GOD. SNOOKER PLAYERS.” whilst Flavia checks out time-shares on Erin Island. She does need one with space for all the harnesses. Tess asks him if he thinks he can make it to the semis on the back of his amazing lifting skills and Erin moves from common-or-garden boredom to
actively hating Jason for wasting her life. She could be pioneering a whole new style of fishfinger sandwiches right now. What if you put red sauce AND brown sauce on them? WHAT THEN? This, by the way, is her face when Jason says there’s some incredible talent in this series.
Seriously, does she know the camera is ON her at this moment? This is like a whole series of Kristina’s Background Bitch-Faces all in one go. Scores are in
Princes Fiona &…no…NO…WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU? NO! THIS CANNOT BE HAPPEN…WHY…WHYYYYYYYYYYYY? dancing the jive
Although if you think Erin was doing bitch face, you clearly haven’t seen mine at this travesty. Bruce jokes that Shrek features many fairy-tale characters, including Sleeping Beauty and goes on to…I dunno make a joke about how he’s so old and about to die any second or something. They usually are. Except for how…it doesn’t feature Sleeping Beauty at all. Not even Pasha’s hair-trigger joke face can register mirth at a joke premised in cinematic inaccuracy.
We are even MOAR KINDRED SOULS than ever.
VT time now, and Chelsee admits that there was a lack of intensity in her Argentine Tango.
Is that hair punishment? Because that looks like it HURTS. Chelsee admits that she wasn’t showing what she should have been showing which I guess makes it the opposite to her tango. (BAD’UM TISH!) Pasha tells her that it was great and she nailed all the steps, and passion is only the next step. The next step in a dance where he’s dressed as Fungus The Bogeyman and she descends from a child’s playhouse towards a fibreglass donkey. FEEL THE HEAT!
Training now, and Pasha says that it is getting towards the end of the competition now and the judges are really looking for any excuse to spew out 10s like Alesha spewed out Blue Nun after her appearance on Ala…oh no, hang on, he’s saying they’re looking for better and better performances from everyone. Unfortunately, Chelsee has finished work on Waterloo Road, so she’s got more time to train, so the dances are actually getting WORSE! Oh no, what to do, how to waste time?
This will do in a pinch.
Pasha takes Chelsee to see Shrek The Musical, because she’s never seen the film. And by “takes her to see it” I mean, shoves her backstage and lets make-up have at her for twenty hours. By the time they’re done scrubbing that crap off, it’ll be time for the live show! No time to train! HOORAY! Chelsee whines that Pasha told her she was going to be a Princess, and Pasha tells her that she is a princess! Princess Fiona! That’s how she looks! As part of the film’s message that it doesn’t matter if you’re fat or ugly or Scottish, so long as you’re not SHORT, because that means you’re evil.
Not that I’m bitter.
it’s Pasha’s face. Remember it as it was, not as it is about to become. In fact…I think I might.
To the dance-floor and
tum-ti-tum, don’t mind me. Pasha’s just talking to his friend the donkey, whilst Chelsee flicks around a handkerchief
which she could conceivably use to wipe all that crap off his face if he were wearing any which he definitely isn’t. They’re doing their jive to “I’m A Believer”, which I guess was probably in Shrek at some point, no doubt in a Smashmouth version. Hey, remember Smashmouth? I don’t.
throws down her snot-rag and they do their jive. Kudos to Pasha for choreographing probably the most respectful routine of the week to the original film, as the whole thing feels exactly like the random joyful “dance scenes” they throw into kids movies these days because they’ve realised they’re trying to pad out 15 minutes of plot into a 90 minute film (See also : Chase sequences, long panning shots of shops given comically punning names on real-life variants, Robin Williams). Just silly and OTT. Sod “storytelling” darling, let’s just HOOF IT.
This turns out of course to be the dance MADE for Chelsee because it’s all about being fun and bouncy and young and fun and not so much on any sort of sweep or poise. Basically she SLAMS it in every direction and is a joy to watch. And Pasha, well…
what an ass (A HA HA HA).
There’s a bit of an awkward moment at the end where she dances at the judges…oddly, but other than that? Marvellous. In the end
Pasha humps a frog or something. I don’t remember that part of Shrek. I guess so long as it’s not a SHORT frog or anything, grumble grumble.
It gets a standing ovation. I can’t believe that the standing ovation % for this show is officially lower than Wembley was. Bloody philistine audiences etc etc. They go over to Bruce, and he enthuses at them that he saw the judges JUMPING UP AND DOWN IN THEIR SEATS. Oh Bruce, for Bruno, that just means it’s past 6:00pm.
See? He bellows that she just got fast-tracked to the semis! Woo! Craig follows by saying that Pasha’s ears were disconcerting and she needs to pick her knees up a little bit more. Chelsee nods along and everyone in the crowd boos and Bruno has a mini-diva fit. It’s that stage of the series really isn’t it? Speaking of which, Len follows and
tells Chelsee that if she’s not back next week he will pickle his walnuts. Well at least it’s better than all those times he’s threatened to go naked in Tescos. Remember those? *shudder* Alesha closes by saying that it was cute, fun, and punchy, and she was tramp-murdering like no-one’s business. Hooray! Bruce sends them up to the Tessanine by saying sorry to them that he couldn’t play the part of the donkey, just like in his short-lived career in adult entertainment. (Poor Wilnelia)
Up to the Tessanine they are believers, and mercifully, not Beliebers, thus far, although I live in hope of ways everyone’s going to mess their showdances up this year. Once there Tess greets them by telling her that she was a princess as Robbie
grabs Brenda by the cock. It’s like the Algonquin Roundtable never disbanded isn’t it? Chelsee gushes that it was amazing to play a princess…it was just a shame about the prince. I’ll say. NEVER AGAIN WARDROBE. NEVER AGAIN. Tess asks Chelsee if it feels like she’s starring in her very own Strictly Ballroom Bonanza of a movie. Well done Tess, that is the WORST question you have ever asked. Chelsee goes “erm….”, and mercifully, the scores are in –
39. Scores, and along with them “From Len…a TEN!” and the attendant news that Len really is aiming to have a catchphrase for every score. Ah well, it couldn’t be an entirely perfect week could it? At least he’ll only have to come up with five of them.