Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 9 Results


We start with…


well, just look at the opening pose. It was always going to be epicmazing wasn’t it? I’m fanning myself already. Pasha doing Woobie Face, Katya’s face pinched back to Easter, and Natalie & Brenda hovvering in the background like some sort of sophisticated version of the Damnit Janet couple from Rocky Horror. And oh yeah



The band starts up, and xRoseRedDivax preps her lungs to bellow out some Adele, specifically “Rolling In The Deep”, because this is very much a dance about FEELINGS and the people who have them.

right up to
is this, the end.


Mrs Not-Soft

Even with Pasha dressed as Mr Soft.


Oh look, here’s Tess, to tell us it was a foxtrot. No it wasn’t Tess, that was interesting. She takes us further away from the high point of the series with every word out of her mouth, reminding us all that last night was the first time the couples performed twice in one night, so long as you don’t count group dances, and forget that Robbie was eliminated 3 minutes before the Swing-Your-Pants actually started. We’re also reminded that

Oh hi

these people exist. But sadly they don’t start randomly writhing around in very subtle BLACK TIE vs WHITE TIE imagery (I’ve missed Katya’s devotion to telling story through the medium of colour-coded costumes.) so I DON’T CARE.

Upstairs, with our menu of standard pub grub when we’ve just had the most amazing canapes EVER, with chorizo and everything, is


Claudia. She’s bothered to brush her hair this week, so it’s not quite the same. Anyway, it’s the usual – Len’s Glans, Erin & Anton coming out and being all classy, and a very special performance from my sealife brethren Seal-O Green. Oh how I wish I had his pipes. If not the clothes he dries on them. But FIRST, let’s try and learn something from last night’s show. Something along the lines of :



Someone just opened the Ark of the Covenant



And all the worst stuff you could possibly imagine just flew out

c) I’ve seen wildlife in car headlights with


less fear in their eyes than Anita shows towards Brenda. WHERE’S HER BOBBY?



Holly shaved

e) Len is the old fuddy-duddy judge. I learnt. This week.




g) It’s really not Robbie’s fault that


the fireworks didn’t shoot out like they were supposed to. Not everyone has Pasha’s skill with a banger.

h) Pasha wants to go somewhere to practice being passionate with Chelsee. Knowing this show, that place will be “skydiving dressed as Ninja Turtles”. COWABUNGA DUUUUUUDE!

i) Jason’s face

Oh Jason...

will not stop

j) Aliona would quite like us to know that their quickstep was the first dance this series to get three tens, not that she’s bragging or anything.

k) Len’s opinion of the Swig-a-ton? “What great fun.” I Len, I believe you dropped one of these : “?”




Ready for Safety Sex-Faces? I know I am.


Harry does a little jump when he hears his name called. Bless. Anyway, this means our first couple in the bottom 2 is :

These two

“again?” she moans, almost sounding like she gives a shit. Almost. Tess asks Bruno what just happened? It looked like Holly had a big breakthrough this week? How could people not vote for her? WHAT IS HAPPENING? Bruno says he is bitterly disappointed, but he thinks maybe the fact that the dance wasn’t traditional foxtrot all the way through may have had something to do with it. Yeah that’s us Bruno. Such traditionalists. Especially this series when people voted through a man who spent half the dance sat on a fairground ride playing with hankies and called it a paso doble. Bruno defends Holly on this score though, saying that she put sequences into the dance that really went with the feel of the music. Did she? Did Artem notice?

Sudden jump up to Claud 9 now where Harry is busy telling everyone that he

Nom nom nom

CAN’T BELIEVE HE ATE THE WHOLE THING. Now there was a sandwich. Claudia quickly saves him from talking about his favourite filling on live tv, and tells him she wants to talk about the swimmathon. How did he dance out there for 18 MINUTES? I think Claudia sat on her remote in the middle of the dance and accidentally sent the thing into a 30 second loop. I can’t say I would have noticed the difference. Harry says that it was amazing, and definitely a lot of fun and he’s sure that everyone else would agree with him. I’m not sure Ola would. Blah blah quickstep, blah blah YOUR LITTLE FACE blah blah



Chelsee next, and Claudia tells her that it’s Movie Week next week, which is Claudia’s favourite week. Mine too. Remember Kara doing the best tango this show has ever seen? Remember Dr Hamela’s


Viennese Waltz? Remember Gavin being almost sort of…good? For once? Remember Natalie being a Bond girl? Remember Widdy FUCKING THE FUCK OFF? Remember all that? Hey Chelsee, why not ruin it pre-emptively ruin it by revealing you’ll be dancing based on one of the most inappropriate film-choices possible outside of those that feature arty simulated masturbation scenes?


That’s right, it’s Shrek. Woo. At least it’s a jive, not a rumba (as I was secretly hoping…) She tells Claudia she is going to be Shrek’s wife…she thinks. Claudia informs her that Shrek’s wife is green and has funny ears. Just like Vincent after eating Flavia’s clam. Check for winter norovirus kids. Chelsee ascertains that she is STILL a princess though right? Claudia tells her that that is correct and then


sees the costume they’ve got planned for Pasha. I know Claud. It’s a crying shame. First ever Strictly Fat-Suit.

Finally we get to talk with Jason who is asked if things are maybe getting a bit competitive now as they near the end. Jason’s pulls a face to indicate that he


DOESN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW THIS COULD BE A THING THAT WAS POSSIBLE! They all love one another very much Claudia and he certainly didn’t rub the James doll in a patch of poison ivy and Alex definitely didn’t have to stay in her room for three days in the dark eating only Calpol and crying. That just happened! He’d like to close on a little homily – it’s the journey not the winning. Or some such bumf. Claudia promises to get this printed up on a t-shirt. I hope he wears it in the final.

Next up



Oh, no, hang on…


IT’S CEE-LO GREEN! SEND IT BACK, SEND IT BACK etc etc. He’s brought his own dancers and is singing a song about…stuff. How he continually screws up but we all still love him anyway. Sounds…about appropriate for this stage in his career. Do any of the songs performed on this show ever actually chart? I know I hardly ever hear them ever again, apart from that Will Young one, and let’s face it, that’s more for the video than anything else. Bloody dog propaganda. The Billy Connolly Memorial Dancers skitter around him randomly, in tribute to our next eliminee, and she doesn’t even know it yet. Some people have complained about the acts bringing their own dancers but…would you really rather Erin be subjected to this? She’d need her own Erin Continent, let alone Island.

What say you Claudia?


Exactly. Yes, it’s time for


Len’s Glans, Bruno’s Crotch, Craig’s Spats and Alesha’s Subjective Art.

First up, Claudia would like us all to know that Brenda isn’t just great at dancing, stepping in for other pros, and stropping off in a huff. No! He’s also a singer. Quite. A little clip from Just The Two Of Us there. He finished second (?!?!) Hmmm…you know what else happened on Just The Two Of Us right? THIS!.

Literally, any excuse.

Anyway, yes, Brenda sang “Uptown Girl” mid-routine, let’s move on. Next up, let’s ask Len to gush about Harry & Aliona for literally THREE HOURS or so to counteract the tedium of the last two months of him doing nothing but bitch about them every. single. week. You will surprised to hear that the solution to winning Len over was CAHMING AHT, and dancing FULL BORE (I think you’ll find that’s Jason, Len). LOOK AT HIM JUMP!



Next we cover


Holly’s kick-line. Alesha reveals that Artem’s hat is not even plastic. It is LEATHER. *throws up*. Katya seriously needs to knock this show into shape AND FAST. This is followed by Craig simultaneously praising Chelsee’s Argentine Tango to the skies and burying it. Lovely ganchos, shame about the lack of frame. And the freedom in her legs. And, let’s face it, that dress. Next is Alex’s Charleston, and Bruno said that she had a good time, she did, she had a good time, and that’s what the Charleston is about, having a GOOD TIME. I had a good time trying to do Lindy-Hop to System Of A Down whilst drunk off my face in Coventry City Centre Bruno, I wouldn’t expect it to score about a 4 (7 from Len, I’m a man, I’m trying, the ALTERNATIVE-METAL LINDY HOP IS A HARD DANCE FOR THE MALE BLOGGER TO DO).

Look! Look What A Good Time She Is


Having! Bruno compares it to Finding Nemo. Looks more like that bit from the end of The Incredibles just before Syndrome gets sucked into the jet engine. DAMN YOU CAPES. Alesha decides to announce that Alex was undermarked. Two people applaud. This prompts Bruno to get up on his own two feet and demonstrate “proper scissor action” and almost taking Craig’s eye out. Oh Bruno…

What shall we end on, now that Russell is gone from our lives until he performs for the Xmas Special dressed as a giant Christmas Pud that Flavia sets on fire and which gets eaten by Shakin’ Stevens?


Ola throwing a strop? Good for me.

This done, it’s time for a Comedy VT promoting Movie Week. Mostly it leaves me as mirthless as ever, only compounded by the reminder that we will never see


Nancy’s loving tribute to that less famous, but no less talented (well…maybe a little) Italian, Sofia Loren. But I do laugh at two points. Chelsee making a


“lol sorreh, ah just told all meh mates via mobiyul!” joke at a “The first rule of Fight Club is…” reference and also, the sheer chutzpah to


put this level of special effects wizardry out there in the Universe.

Should have been Vincent doing a roly-poly really shouldn’t it? Anyway, Holly is Mr Smith, Robbie is Luke Skywalker, Craig is Darth Vader, Jason is Yoda whether he realises it or not…



Well…FACE, anyway, as we’re down to our pre Final Two Final Two already. Robbie being teased because, well, his dance was a bit crap and that, but in the actual Bottom Two is


yet again, Poor Anita. She seems less traumatised about it this time. I guess that’s the upside of a Bottom Two. It might occasionally break people, but at least it often does it a few weeks before they have to squeeze out a goodbye speech and a final dance. Brenda even says “sorry”, bless him. Tess asks Alesha if she thinks this is all Brenda’s fault?

Is it?

Alesha says no, of course not, but it must be really unsettling having to change partners just when you’re getting on so well with someone and really getting ready to be comfortable with them for the rest of your days ISN’T THAT RIGHT JAVINE YOU MASSIVE SLAG! Ahem. Not really. In a dance sense, it must be a trial. Also, this dance didn’t suit her, but rest assured, she’s over 50, female, and still breathing, so she’s STILL AN INSPIRATION for Alesha. Still that. Must be a comfort for her.

Tess asks Len if he’s excited for Movie Night


He is. Oh Tess. You should have asked Craig how the celebs will have to adapt to the theme. HOW WILL THEY KNOW TO BE MORE THEATRICAL NOW? DANCE DISAHSTER!

Back to Claud 9 now, where Claudia gets everyone geed up for the Undisputed King And Queen Of Ballrom…for one night only it’s Ian And Nata…oh no, wait, it’s Erin and Anton. Everyone’s very excited


except Harry, who’s still disappointed he didn’t get to finish telling Chelsee about that sandwich. It had gherkins in and everything!

To the floor now, so Erin and Anton can be all classy all over us. Singing them in is


that Lance Ellington one. After the Ola Red Riding Hood Pedobear fiasco last year, I’m surprised Anton and Erin don’t actually come on dressed as a tramp and a dog (and let’s face it, they’ve done Erin up as both before) to perform Mr Bojangles. Instead

Such a Class Act

Anton’s come as a Classy Gent and Erin

Oh Erin...

well we’ve all seen what they’ve done to Erin. Can’t go one series without some sartorial nightmare happening eh? Anyway they dance


very classy but…it’s still “Mr Bojangles” you know? There’s no saving that.

Now? It’s time to talk with this week’s losing couples.


Claudia first turns to Holly, and tells that, whilst she’s disappointed for both couples, she’s DISAPPOINTED for Holly, because you know, she’s good. Comparatively. In this field. This year. Is she also disappointed? Holly says that it’s not her favourite feeling in the world (my guess? Rolling round in all her very very rich boyfriend’s money like an antipodean Scrooge McDuck. In a helicopter. A gold-plated helicopter. In space. Being piloted by Buzz Aldrin. With The Muppets. The proper Mupepts. Not those imposters that were on X Factor with the WRONG FUCKING VOICES.). But hey, she’ll cope. Somehow. Hey, at least Craig told her she danced well. That happens

So very rarely

so rarely. Not at this end of the series it doesn’t.

Anita pipes up that it’s also her second time in the Bottom Two and she’s fine with it also

So fine

Totally fine. She’s doing the breathing exercises the doctor told her about. Totally fine. She’s so glad she got to dance with both Robin AND Brendan. Such a privelege. Hey, Michelle Williams got to dance with IAN and Brendan. Think on that one Anita. Anyway, she’s very pleased she did this.


And now she’s going home. She and Holly hug, Holly apologises, Anita tells her not to worry, and then they wander over to Tess and Brenda


proper Artems her up. Robin meanwhile is applauding her from


even further away, as he says goodbye via phone. Really what this is missing is the little jabber-jaw effect they use on It Takes Two. He tells Anita she has been incredible, and he’s really sorry he can’t be there this evening, but he and the mystery blonde are on a hot date. CHUSS! Anita thanks Robin for 8 weeks of fun and fulfilment, and Brenda for one week of sloppy cha-cha, and that is the end for Anita Dobson. I feel her final


FACE OF INSANITY says more than her Goodbye Dance ever could.

Don’t have nightmares.

37 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 9 Results

  1. Justice Bellingham

    Pro dance was absolutely amazing. Definitely getting my vote as pro-dance of the season. Even if it’s just for what (I imagine is) Brenda’s real sex face at the end. Night All 😉

  2. Verns

    It was, indeed, an EPICMAZING pro dance. Really, Monkseal, it’s hardly worth putting any other pro dance this series up against it. It was also generous of Katya to choreograph Natalie’s trademark running splits into the routine, as Katya’s attempt inevitably pales in comparison.

  3. Carl

    That picture of Jason and Pasha is very…. It’s like the promo for the Strictly Players adaptation of Maurice.

    I never knew Brandon was on a singing show. He has those sincere faces down at all times.

    Speaking of great clips what was that show you linked to in your Alex charleston recap? The dancing puppet (not Alex, the other one). So surreal. You don’t have kid shows like that now.

    We can’t even vote for the Ka$ha turbo-jive? Still watch that too often. I think I love this even more though, the best parts being the shocking lesbionics, Katya’s kick when Pasha drags her away, and that brief look of pure joy (or forgetting a step, but I’ll go with pure joy) on Brendan’s face before he gets back into character. Do you think Katya had the regular ‘singer’ abducted?

    Poor Holly. I hated seeing her in the bottom two again as that will make her think people hate her (or it would if she obsessed as much as some fans do…). I don’t know if anyone hates her, it’s just she may be the least liked or the person fans are less motivated to care about. I think there are some years where some people left at this stage are huge hate figures, but this year I haven’t seen that (even with some of the usual nasty comments).

    I thought the best part of the movie parody was the multi-Hollys and the 1 paddles, even if the “you’re gonna get one” initially took me to a very disturbing place.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Brendan’s been on so many shows. He did Celebrity Love Island, and best of all he was a judge on “The Underdog Show” and cast judgment on Camilla’s dog-handling abilities as she competed against her new boyfriend. Now there was some awkwardness.

      Holly I think just has absolutely no connection with the UK that people will think of. Even though her fiance is English and she lives here and has British/European roots I’d imagine most people just wonder why she wouldn’t do Dancing With The Aussies just like they wondered why Michelle Williams didn’t do Dancing With The Yanks. Accent’s all that really matters.

      The show was Playdays (in Robbie’s dance yes?). The Playbus stopped at a different stop every weekday – that’s the Playground Stop, which took place on Tuesdays, and was a bit of a grab-bag day. Monday was Why Bird, who was the Welsh HBIC of kids tv, Wednesdays was the Dot Stop (mime), then later on the Roundabout stop (songs and dancing), Thursday was the Peggy Patch stop (boring yokel doll bint who loved nature and the outdoors) and Friday was the Tent Stop (AM DRAM plays and acting ahoy) and then became the Poppy Stop (mouthy cat).

      1. Carl

        I can’t tell if Holly genuinely wants to try and this is a cool facade, or she just doesn’t care. It doesn’t help when she does try, like she did in the foxtrot, and she still ends up in the bottom two. The eternal question is whether being more desperate would help her with votes. Or if Jason and Anita siphoned off her desperation for their own purposes. At first I thought being partners with Artem was bad for her, because he’s so laid-back, but now I’m starting to think he’s probably a good fit for her. If she were with James his head would explode and she’d have to bring in a cleaner.

        Robbie’s dance, yeah. One puppet for another. I like the idea of going to a new place every day. It’s a good way for kids to learn imagination. I usually just watched shows about a mannequin (who came alive at night) and a mouse and a security guard all roamed an empty mall. Or with Alanis Morisette being slimed.

      2. monkseal Post author

        I thought that sounded Canadian, looked it up, and what do you know? IT IS.

        I hope Holly gets a 10 before she leaves. I hope she shrugs when she gets it.

      3. Elsa from Twop

        I can’t figure out how Holly and Artem manage to make each other sexless, with those looks and bodies. I was absolutely enthralled with Holly and Brenda – Brenda! – but Artem acts like she’s got herpes or cooties or something. I still think he’s worried Kara or whatever her name is will kick him out of bed if he so much as “seems” to tolerate this poor gorgeous girl (and who could be sweeter than Kara for God’s sake?)

        Oh well, it’s taken a few points off my Artem fangirl-craze score, I can tell you. And I thought he broke his back or something – can’t he convalesce some more? I want Brenda back with her and Lord I never thought I’d say that. I even wish Tony Beke could have a go with her. Or hell, Vincent – they’d be so damned cute – an Aussie Amazon with a Italian Leprechaun. But anyway, it looks like they’ll be as happy as the rest of us to write this off as a partnering disahster. Or maybe you’re right and it IS all on her. She needs to work on her desperation – isn’t she an actress or something? Maybe Natalie can give her some Aussie-intensity lessons.

      4. monkseal Post author

        I love that “oh of course Natalie is competitive, she’s Australian” and “oh of course Holly isn’t competitive, she’s AUSTRALIAN” have been two separate things in the space of only a few series. God bless baseless nationalistic stereotyping on the behalf of the viewership.

  4. Dancing Cake

    I’m already getting withdrawal symptoms from these blogs. Any chance of a recap of every single ITT? That would take us till at least March. And so MUCH material to work on. Ian Waite alone would be worth it, no ?

  5. Jan

    It was a fantastic pro dance which should win ‘bestest prod dance ever in the history of Strictly’ but you just know that Vincent and Flavia’s chuffing Argentine Tango will get voted for over and over again.

  6. tal27

    I have become fascinated with the “celebrities'” reactions to Tess grabbing their hands all the time (in a not so subtle way to stand them on a designated spot after elimination or in the Tessanine). That clench from Anita is the last photo is almost as good as when Chelsee snatched her hand away a couple of weeks ago…

    1. Verns

      Ah, the inappropriate Tess-hand-grab. The most inappropriate EVAH has to be when Tess grabbed Kara’s arm in the final last year, after she knew Kara had damaged it. Ms Tointon showed great forbearance (or an overdose of painkillers) in not walloping the woman.

  7. Monaogg

    Seeing Harry’s safety sex face I can understand why he does not smile during his dancing. Aliona has banned him 😉

  8. jean

    This has to be the best pro dance of the serie(and one of the best pro dance in this show).Very good choreography of team Kasha:). I cant even remember who was Katya dance partner before Pasha? They dance so well together.
    Anita was not my favourite but I actually cry a little at the end of her speech, she is lovely but I wont miss her.
    I think Holly will/should go next. I dont really like her routines and I dont think she is engaged in this show as the other contestants are.I prefer to watch Robbie and Alex dance than watch her performances.

  9. Mark

    Ah Monkseal

    I love your blog, possibly more than the TV shows. I deleted the Bachelor in the end unseen as it was fairly boring after your hilarious reviews. Saved me hours.

    All the names and running jokes you have add so much to the fun. Have you decided that ‘reserved middle class is more bot than the usual bot style for Harry?

    The Pro’s each year are more stars than the Celebs. They should be treated better. I like all of them especially this year. Missing Katya and her smile. I agree we need more Ian so if he could replace Anton who could replace Sir Bruce all would be spiffing.

    Brilliant pro-dances this year.

    If only you had the time to blog DWTS too, but I don’t know how you do all you do each week.

    I’m no longer fond of Sir Bruce (fast forward through all ‘jokes’) but respect his long career, he used to be very entertaining, (or Tess really with her implied negative questions). It is a painful state when Tom and Brooke do a better job in the DWTS show. Claudia on the other hand is a scream, I love her. Is her hair a wig? is the most googled question she says and I don’t know the answer.

    The camera direction very annoying and distracting. DWTS much better again. The Strictly version has a director with ADHD and no view longer than a second, in, out missing the footwork to remind us of the scene or their faces. How do you do a screen grab when they change camera every other frame?

    Finally we are probably skipping the Strictly Tour this year having booked tickets to :

    Vincent and Flavia midnight tango tour

    Anton & Erin’s let’s do it tour


    1. monkseal Post author

      “Let’s Do It” brings to mind Anton & Erin dancing to the comic songs of Victoria Wood. I refuse to click the link and become disabused of the notion.

  10. pamminxy

    pasha’s safety sex face looks like a toddler receiving his round of applause for going potty – gotta love him – aw his ickle face 😉
    now off to watch the pro dance – i usually by pass watching the results show and just read you – tvm x

  11. pamminxy

    ps can we have aled jones to replace notdead when the not is no linger applicable – he is very good on escape to the country – more like the mighty mighty tom bergeron in style, especially when let loose

      1. Monaogg

        Even I would stop watching if he did SCD – Noooooooooooo. As an actor I can tolerate him. As a presenter he is just too me me me me me me me! (Worse than Karen) 😉

      2. monkseal Post author

        I caught a bit of “Tonight’s The Night” before this week’s show. He was singing Electric Dreams and…nominally doing dancing. I was scared.

  12. fused

    I’m sorry to see Anita go really. She seems so lovely, and I enjoyed her acting when she was doing the dances. I think I’ll miss her more than any of the other eliminated contestants so far. Speaking of which, seeing all the contestants in the opening credits on Strictly brings home how quickly you can forget the ones who are voted off early on reality TV shows. I can barely remember that Edwina Currie and Rory Bremner were on this series, and I can’t remember Dan Lobb at all.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Would it have suited Ian? Watching Ian trying to be EVIL/BISEXUAL/INCESTUOUS/WHATEVER would have been too much I think.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s