HAPPY CHRISTMAS ANGE!
We start with…
well, just look at the opening pose. It was always going to be epicmazing wasn’t it? I’m fanning myself already. Pasha doing Woobie Face, Katya’s face pinched back to Easter, and Natalie & Brenda hovvering in the background like some sort of sophisticated version of the Damnit Janet couple from Rocky Horror. And oh yeah
KATYA’S GOT A CAPE!
The band starts up, and xRoseRedDivax preps her lungs to bellow out some Adele, specifically “Rolling In The Deep”, because this is very much a dance about FEELINGS and the people who have them.
JIGGIDY-BIGGIDY LESBITASTIC RUNNING-SPLITTING OVARY-MELTING FILTHTACULAR MELODRAMATIC AS IT IS POSSIBLE FOR HUMAN BEINGS TO GET NATALIE BEING EVIL AND LOVING IT EFFING OTT RIDICULOUS ADELE-REFRESHING BRENDAN-REDEEMING IF YOU VOTE FOR ANYTHING ELSE FOR PRO DANCE OF THE SERIES YOU ARE WRONG AND YOUR VOTES WILL BE DISCOUNTED AND UNVERIFIED EPICMAZINGNESS.
Even with Pasha dressed as Mr Soft.
Oh look, here’s Tess, to tell us it was a foxtrot. No it wasn’t Tess, that was interesting. She takes us further away from the high point of the series with every word out of her mouth, reminding us all that last night was the first time the couples performed twice in one night, so long as you don’t count group dances, and forget that Robbie was eliminated 3 minutes before the Swing-Your-Pants actually started. We’re also reminded that
these people exist. But sadly they don’t start randomly writhing around in very subtle BLACK TIE vs WHITE TIE imagery (I’ve missed Katya’s devotion to telling story through the medium of colour-coded costumes.) so I DON’T CARE.
Upstairs, with our menu of standard pub grub when we’ve just had the most amazing canapes EVER, with chorizo and everything, is
Claudia. She’s bothered to brush her hair this week, so it’s not quite the same. Anyway, it’s the usual – Len’s Glans, Erin & Anton coming out and being all classy, and a very special performance from my sealife brethren Seal-O Green. Oh how I wish I had his pipes. If not the clothes he dries on them. But FIRST, let’s try and learn something from last night’s show. Something along the lines of :
Someone just opened the Ark of the Covenant
And all the worst stuff you could possibly imagine just flew out
c) I’ve seen wildlife in car headlights with
less fear in their eyes than Anita shows towards Brenda. WHERE’S HER BOBBY?
e) Len is the old fuddy-duddy judge. I learnt. This week.
JAMES COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL! ROLLING IN THE DEEP! (with Craig)
g) It’s really not Robbie’s fault that
the fireworks didn’t shoot out like they were supposed to. Not everyone has Pasha’s skill with a banger.
h) Pasha wants to go somewhere to practice being passionate with Chelsee. Knowing this show, that place will be “skydiving dressed as Ninja Turtles”. COWABUNGA DUUUUUUDE!
i) Jason’s face
will not stop
j) Aliona would quite like us to know that their quickstep was the first dance this series to get three tens, not that she’s bragging or anything.
k) Len’s opinion of the Swig-a-ton? “What great fun.” I Len, I believe you dropped one of these : “?”
l) OMG THE WHOLE SHOW IS RIGGED HERE IS LEN SAYING THAT HARRY WAS TOP AND ROBBIE WAS BOTTOM
WITH A CHILDREN IN NEED POSTER IN THE BACKGROUND AND THAT’S ALREADY HAPPENED ZOMG THIS WAS FILMED WEEKS AGO, RIGGED, RIGGED, RIGGEDFORAMELIALILY RIGGED
Ready for Safety Sex-Faces? I know I am.
Harry does a little jump when he hears his name called. Bless. Anyway, this means our first couple in the bottom 2 is :
“again?” she moans, almost sounding like she gives a shit. Almost. Tess asks Bruno what just happened? It looked like Holly had a big breakthrough this week? How could people not vote for her? WHAT IS HAPPENING? Bruno says he is bitterly disappointed, but he thinks maybe the fact that the dance wasn’t traditional foxtrot all the way through may have had something to do with it. Yeah that’s us Bruno. Such traditionalists. Especially this series when people voted through a man who spent half the dance sat on a fairground ride playing with hankies and called it a paso doble. Bruno defends Holly on this score though, saying that she put sequences into the dance that really went with the feel of the music. Did she? Did Artem notice?
Sudden jump up to Claud 9 now where Harry is busy telling everyone that he
CAN’T BELIEVE HE ATE THE WHOLE THING. Now there was a sandwich. Claudia quickly saves him from talking about his favourite filling on live tv, and tells him she wants to talk about the swimmathon. How did he dance out there for 18 MINUTES? I think Claudia sat on her remote in the middle of the dance and accidentally sent the thing into a 30 second loop. I can’t say I would have noticed the difference. Harry says that it was amazing, and definitely a lot of fun and he’s sure that everyone else would agree with him. I’m not sure Ola would. Blah blah quickstep, blah blah YOUR LITTLE FACE blah blah
FACE OF HUMILITY etc etc
Chelsee next, and Claudia tells her that it’s Movie Week next week, which is Claudia’s favourite week. Mine too. Remember Kara doing the best tango this show has ever seen? Remember Dr Hamela’s
Viennese Waltz? Remember Gavin being almost sort of…good? For once? Remember Natalie being a Bond girl? Remember Widdy FUCKING THE FUCK OFF? Remember all that? Hey Chelsee, why not ruin it pre-emptively ruin it by revealing you’ll be dancing based on one of the most inappropriate film-choices possible outside of those that feature arty simulated masturbation scenes?
That’s right, it’s Shrek. Woo. At least it’s a jive, not a rumba (as I was secretly hoping…) She tells Claudia she is going to be Shrek’s wife…she thinks. Claudia informs her that Shrek’s wife is green and has funny ears. Just like Vincent after eating Flavia’s clam. Check for winter norovirus kids. Chelsee ascertains that she is STILL a princess though right? Claudia tells her that that is correct and then
sees the costume they’ve got planned for Pasha. I know Claud. It’s a crying shame. First ever Strictly Fat-Suit.
Finally we get to talk with Jason who is asked if things are maybe getting a bit competitive now as they near the end. Jason’s pulls a face to indicate that he
DOESN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW THIS COULD BE A THING THAT WAS POSSIBLE! They all love one another very much Claudia and he certainly didn’t rub the James doll in a patch of poison ivy and Alex definitely didn’t have to stay in her room for three days in the dark eating only Calpol and crying. That just happened! He’d like to close on a little homily – it’s the journey not the winning. Or some such bumf. Claudia promises to get this printed up on a t-shirt. I hope he wears it in the final.
IT’S CEE-LOO GREEN!
Oh, no, hang on…
IT’S CEE-LO GREEN! SEND IT BACK, SEND IT BACK etc etc. He’s brought his own dancers and is singing a song about…stuff. How he continually screws up but we all still love him anyway. Sounds…about appropriate for this stage in his career. Do any of the songs performed on this show ever actually chart? I know I hardly ever hear them ever again, apart from that Will Young one, and let’s face it, that’s more for the video than anything else. Bloody dog propaganda. The Billy Connolly Memorial Dancers skitter around him randomly, in tribute to our next eliminee, and she doesn’t even know it yet. Some people have complained about the acts bringing their own dancers but…would you really rather Erin be subjected to this? She’d need her own Erin Continent, let alone Island.
What say you Claudia?
Exactly. Yes, it’s time for
Len’s Glans, Bruno’s Crotch, Craig’s Spats and Alesha’s Subjective Art.
First up, Claudia would like us all to know that Brenda isn’t just great at dancing, stepping in for other pros, and stropping off in a huff. No! He’s also a singer. Quite. A little clip from Just The Two Of Us there. He finished second (?!?!) Hmmm…you know what else happened on Just The Two Of Us right? THIS!.
Literally, any excuse.
Anyway, yes, Brenda sang “Uptown Girl” mid-routine, let’s move on. Next up, let’s ask Len to gush about Harry & Aliona for literally THREE HOURS or so to counteract the tedium of the last two months of him doing nothing but bitch about them every. single. week. You will surprised to hear that the solution to winning Len over was CAHMING AHT, and dancing FULL BORE (I think you’ll find that’s Jason, Len). LOOK AT HIM JUMP!
LOOKIT! HE’S NOT EVEN A SPORTSMAN!
Next we cover
Holly’s kick-line. Alesha reveals that Artem’s hat is not even plastic. It is LEATHER. *throws up*. Katya seriously needs to knock this show into shape AND FAST. This is followed by Craig simultaneously praising Chelsee’s Argentine Tango to the skies and burying it. Lovely ganchos, shame about the lack of frame. And the freedom in her legs. And, let’s face it, that dress. Next is Alex’s Charleston, and Bruno said that she had a good time, she did, she had a good time, and that’s what the Charleston is about, having a GOOD TIME. I had a good time trying to do Lindy-Hop to System Of A Down whilst drunk off my face in Coventry City Centre Bruno, I wouldn’t expect it to score about a 4 (7 from Len, I’m a man, I’m trying, the ALTERNATIVE-METAL LINDY HOP IS A HARD DANCE FOR THE MALE BLOGGER TO DO).
Look! Look What A Good Time She Is
Having! Bruno compares it to Finding Nemo. Looks more like that bit from the end of The Incredibles just before Syndrome gets sucked into the jet engine. DAMN YOU CAPES. Alesha decides to announce that Alex was undermarked. Two people applaud. This prompts Bruno to get up on his own two feet and demonstrate “proper scissor action” and almost taking Craig’s eye out. Oh Bruno…
What shall we end on, now that Russell is gone from our lives until he performs for the Xmas Special dressed as a giant Christmas Pud that Flavia sets on fire and which gets eaten by Shakin’ Stevens?
Ola throwing a strop? Good for me.
This done, it’s time for a Comedy VT promoting Movie Week. Mostly it leaves me as mirthless as ever, only compounded by the reminder that we will never see
Nancy’s loving tribute to that less famous, but no less talented (well…maybe a little) Italian, Sofia Loren. But I do laugh at two points. Chelsee making a
“lol sorreh, ah just told all meh mates via mobiyul!” joke at a “The first rule of Fight Club is…” reference and also, the sheer chutzpah to
put this level of special effects wizardry out there in the Universe.
Should have been Vincent doing a roly-poly really shouldn’t it? Anyway, Holly is Mr Smith, Robbie is Luke Skywalker, Craig is Darth Vader, Jason is Yoda whether he realises it or not…
IT’S TIME FOR SAFETY SEX-FACES.
Well…FACE, anyway, as we’re down to our pre Final Two Final Two already. Robbie being teased because, well, his dance was a bit crap and that, but in the actual Bottom Two is
yet again, Poor Anita. She seems less traumatised about it this time. I guess that’s the upside of a Bottom Two. It might occasionally break people, but at least it often does it a few weeks before they have to squeeze out a goodbye speech and a final dance. Brenda even says “sorry”, bless him. Tess asks Alesha if she thinks this is all Brenda’s fault?
Alesha says no, of course not, but it must be really unsettling having to change partners just when you’re getting on so well with someone and really getting ready to be comfortable with them for the rest of your days ISN’T THAT RIGHT JAVINE YOU MASSIVE SLAG! Ahem. Not really. In a dance sense, it must be a trial. Also, this dance didn’t suit her, but rest assured, she’s over 50, female, and still breathing, so she’s STILL AN INSPIRATION for Alesha. Still that. Must be a comfort for her.
Tess asks Len if he’s excited for Movie Night
He is. Oh Tess. You should have asked Craig how the celebs will have to adapt to the theme. HOW WILL THEY KNOW TO BE MORE THEATRICAL NOW? DANCE DISAHSTER!
Back to Claud 9 now, where Claudia gets everyone geed up for the Undisputed King And Queen Of Ballrom…for one night only it’s Ian And Nata…oh no, wait, it’s Erin and Anton. Everyone’s very excited
except Harry, who’s still disappointed he didn’t get to finish telling Chelsee about that sandwich. It had gherkins in and everything!
To the floor now, so Erin and Anton can be all classy all over us. Singing them in is
that Lance Ellington one. After the Ola Red Riding Hood Pedobear fiasco last year, I’m surprised Anton and Erin don’t actually come on dressed as a tramp and a dog (and let’s face it, they’ve done Erin up as both before) to perform Mr Bojangles. Instead
Anton’s come as a Classy Gent and Erin
well we’ve all seen what they’ve done to Erin. Can’t go one series without some sartorial nightmare happening eh? Anyway they dance
very classy but…it’s still “Mr Bojangles” you know? There’s no saving that.
Now? It’s time to talk with this week’s losing couples.
Claudia first turns to Holly, and tells that, whilst she’s disappointed for both couples, she’s DISAPPOINTED for Holly, because you know, she’s good. Comparatively. In this field. This year. Is she also disappointed? Holly says that it’s not her favourite feeling in the world (my guess? Rolling round in all her very very rich boyfriend’s money like an antipodean Scrooge McDuck. In a helicopter. A gold-plated helicopter. In space. Being piloted by Buzz Aldrin. With The Muppets. The proper Mupepts. Not those imposters that were on X Factor with the WRONG FUCKING VOICES.). But hey, she’ll cope. Somehow. Hey, at least Craig told her she danced well. That happens
so rarely. Not at this end of the series it doesn’t.
Anita pipes up that it’s also her second time in the Bottom Two and she’s fine with it also
Totally fine. She’s doing the breathing exercises the doctor told her about. Totally fine. She’s so glad she got to dance with both Robin AND Brendan. Such a privelege. Hey, Michelle Williams got to dance with IAN and Brendan. Think on that one Anita. Anyway, she’s very pleased she did this.
And now she’s going home. She and Holly hug, Holly apologises, Anita tells her not to worry, and then they wander over to Tess and Brenda
proper Artems her up. Robin meanwhile is applauding her from
even further away, as he says goodbye via phone. Really what this is missing is the little jabber-jaw effect they use on It Takes Two. He tells Anita she has been incredible, and he’s really sorry he can’t be there this evening, but he and the mystery blonde are on a hot date. CHUSS! Anita thanks Robin for 8 weeks of fun and fulfilment, and Brenda for one week of sloppy cha-cha, and that is the end for Anita Dobson. I feel her final
FACE OF INSANITY says more than her Goodbye Dance ever could.
Don’t have nightmares.