Swing-A-Thong 2 : Electric Boogaloo
Previously : Wembley was
all these things. All of which were definitely on my wish-list of things to improve this series. MAKE IT LOUDER! BRUCE ISN’T HOLLERING HIS PUNCHLINES LOUD ENOUGH! (Although to be fair, some weeks “make it go faster” has been on top of my agenda, more specifically whenever Jennifer Grey was speaking…). Robbie stripped, Holly sprinted, and Anita sprawled, but in the end it was Russell taking his leave, and according to this pre-show VT
he was taken out by a flamethrower hidden up Flavia’s clam. Now THAT would have been a special effect worthy of Wembley.
This week : we are left with our “Magnificent Seven”
and so James has decided to take his training/torture regimen for Alex to the next level by
actually setting her on fire. He’ll get the fire extinguisher when you do proper foot swivvels! Additionally, Ola has used the
HYPNOBOOBS to convince Robbie he’s a cowboy every time she says the words “chicken parmesan”, and in a desperate attempt to win votes for his fiftieth partner of the series :
Brenda’s got his banana out. Not even that Brenda, not even that.
But this week doesn’t just bear witness to a half-arsed cowboy routine that will be forgotten as soon as the show starts. NO. IT’S TIME FOR THE SWING-A-THON. PART TWO!
Yes Anita, that was my reaction as well. We’ll just have to grit our teeth and get through it. (This applies if this is a reaction to either the Swimmathon or to Brenda getting his banana out by the way…)
What was this one famous for again? The one on the right obviously. There was someone called Dan Lobb cited in the paper as a popular favourite to take over from Chiles & Blankley on Daybreak, but this can’t be him, because…well, “popular”.
The band strike up, and it’s time for those perennial pre-show favourites : Velociraptor Dance (this week with a Doggy Paddle Twist), and
Tess Dress Watch. How kind of her to wrap her boobs up like that, just in case we wanted to find out how much they’d cost if we bought them from Sainsburys. I’m sure you don’t get much to the pound, not these days. Sadly it does look rather like she’s got a bit trapped in her knickers. And at the front as well. Bruce tells everyone to sit down, because he never told them to stand up! They are all ELIMINATED from this week’s game of Brucie Says! He wins again! Another £1000 bonus!
Bruce then gushes about how AMAZING Wembley was last week. He was a bit concerned about the idea at first, but then thousands of people lined up for his autograph
and the doubts went away. Odd that. Anyway, as AMAZING as Wembley was, and it really was AMAZING, the couples are back in stinky old television centre now, and all of them are serious contenders for the trophy. Apart from Anita. And Holly. And Alex. And probably Robbie. And even possibly Jason or Chelsee. BUT ALL OF HARRY IS VERY DEFINITELY A CONTENDER FOR THE TROPHY! Maybe we should just split him up into his component parts and have them compete separately (my money’s on his arse, stupid ovary-voters.).
Things are so serious now, that everyone is going to have to dance TWICE. First up a ballroom or latin or Charleston routine, and then THE SWING-MY-DICK. Where everyone stands on the spot and does lifts and then the judges rank them based on how much they like them. IT’S THE PUREST OF ALL THE DANCE-SPORT DANCES! Tess
is veritably RUBBING HER HANDS at the prospect of carnage, chaos, bloodshed and face-kicking. Not now they’ve sacked Brian Fortuna. Now there was a man who knew how to inject a note of violence into a group dance. (*remembers fondly the time he drove Ali directly into Laila’s boobs and still scored a 10*)
Anyway, speaking of carnage, it’s time for Bruce to
molest Tess. The divining pendants she’s wearing on her ears flail wildly, indicating that, yup, he’s wet himself again. Whilst he covers up, it’s time to re-meet the STARS OF OUR SHOW.
I really do think it’s fairest that Anita was cut this week. Without any of her Old Luvvie/Mean Girls gang left she looks awfully lonely up there. It’s like she wants to air-kiss, but there’s just nobody there to accept it.
Once they’re all out, Bruce gives them all a little speech about what good friends they all are, and how much they’ve bonded, as Ola reads
“I am not talking to any of these losers as soon as the series ends, apart from possibly James. And only if he stops inviting Brenda round to play football on the patio without asking me first”. Speaking of FIRM FRIENDS FOR LIFE, up on Starship Karen is
Radio 1 DJ Sara Cox. Don’t mind them, they’re merely exchanging long protein strings.
Anita Dobson & Rent-A-Pro dancing the cha cha
With apologies to, well, everyone really
If your Strictly Sleb needs annoying, just call Rent-A-Pro
He’s a spook, a ghoul, a freak, a fool, he’s Rent-A-pro
He loves Phantom Of The Opera and Spaghetti Hoops for tea
Remember what you see, is not Vincent Simon-eeeee
For Lulu’s Party he was a smarty…Rent-A-Pro
He knocked back Miller Lites all through the night…it was Rent-A-Pro
So when it came time to move her, and clean the vomit from her frock
He was down in the toilet block trying to suck his own…toes…RENT-A-PRO!
Give him the most horrific showdance, turkey honorific
It was the Colin’s Dummy-Dance of its day
Heavy sighing from viewers sofes when Lise was dancing with this oaf
Rolling round in bacofoil to Meatloaf!
He’s an extraordinary fella is our… Rent-A-Pro
He’ll partner Uri Gellar next year…Rent-A-Pro
When Natalie sprains her ankle
And the show almost goes off-script
They’ll be no slip, he’ll replace any crip it’s RENT-A-PRO!
(I’m not surprised that Anita’s hairdresser is less skilled than Lulu’s incidentally. That work’s a bit choppy.)
VT time, after Bruce tells us all the story so far, and Anita remembers the sheer joy she got from having 6,500 people looking at her, paying her attention, and not throwing things. She was so happy she spontaneously ran down some stairs, as we all do when we’re happy. Originally the whole dance was just going to be
her on this step, but she COULDN’T HELP HERSELF, and Robin had to choreograph the rest on the spot. You definitely couldn’t tell. Anyway, Anita gushes that she’s now played Wembley with
THIS amazing nipple, what more could she want?
Well, regardless of whether she wants it or not, what more she’s getting is a week with Brenda, as Robin has got a foot infection and this
THIS, is all the Injury Porn we’re getting. That’s rubbish. Although…who’s that blonde Robin? Fwit fwoo, Robin pulled at hospital am I rite? As Robin hobbles off into the Strictly sunset, Anita mithers that she doesn’t know what she’s going to do this weekend without him. Hey, don’t worry Anita,
BBC SOS will sort it out! They’re everywhere! That tiny woman who freed Mark’s mic-snag? BBC SOS. That guy who retrieved Russell’s Helmet? BBC SOS. And their Chief Of Operations? Their Charlie?
The Man In The Hat
I think it makes sense.
Anyway, apparently BBC SOS have
interrupted Brenda in the middle of filming that stupid Dancers In Disguise bit from It Takes Two, but he comes to Anita’s aid anyway. Hooray! Anita need not dance her cha-cha alone. She will have a saucy mechanic to react to her sexiness!
But that wasn’t all the excitement this week, no.
Camilla turned up for rehearsals! My, she’s let herself go hasn’t she? I guess when you’re not on national tv every Saturday night you start to let things sli…oh no, wait, different Camilla. This one is married to Prince Charles. All of the celebs and pros line up and glad-hand her, with Anita extra specially careful to throw down bonus luvvie points by saying “how nice to meet you again“. Now THAT’S name-dropping – doing it whilst the person themselves is actually stood there.
Anyway Cammy-Knickers watched everyone rehearse and scored them all
9, making her officially one step worse than Jennifer Grey, and who would have thought that possible?
We close with Anita saying that she intends to go out there and do her very best cha-cha in honour of Robin, as she exhorts him
“get well soon! Please! Brenda scares me…”
To the floor now and
Brenda’s got his spare tyre out. Also he’s learning on some prop rubber wheels. A HA HA! Anita’s dancing a cha cha to Uptown Girl, hence the mechanic theme. I’m so glad that Robin didn’t choreograph her as a teenager this week, so as to invite unflattering comparisons. He’s just choreographed her as Christie Brinkley instead.
Given that Anita has mostly bluffed her way through Latin thus far by high-speed gurning and OTT lip-syncing, it’s not really a surprise that when it comes to the one Latin dance where you can’t really do that, it just turns into a bit of a nice walk around the floor with a few crotch-rolls thrown in there. Although obviously there’s still
the occasional gurn. It IS Anita after all. Halfway through they do a bit of business where Brenda over-steps the mark and gets sin-binned for a good 5 seconds (Lord only knows how long Robbie’s going to be sin-binned later for his…transgression…) which is really just an excuse for him to
emote his little heart out bless him. Again, there’s no saving this Brenda, don’t even try. To close Anita throws an air-kiss to an impassive Billy Connolly and shortly after
the dance is done. I think I might have actually preferred that if they hadn’t found a pro to replace Robin, in a sort of Garfield Without Garfield sort of way. Just tottering around a garage forecourt making eyes at nothing, no gas left in the tank.
It gets a standing ovation, as does everything this week, this is the end of standing ovations. Brilliantly, as Bruce yells “LOOK ANITA, LOOK AT THEM!” one woman (who he is staring right at) makes out like she’s going to join in by briefly popping up out of her chair but as soon as his back is turned
she sits firmly down again. Attagirl. Bruce jokes that Anita only went in for a service! I can’t believe Bruce made a filthier joke than I managed to come up with…
Anyway, as Anita pushes her lungs back down into her chest cavity with her tongue it’s time to introduce our singers
including yet ANOTHER friend of emogirl82’s who she’s found a Saturday job for, xRoseRedDivax. Happily this time Davearch has banned her from performing on the Results Show, where she wanted to do her song “My Heart Is A Hurt Locker Or Maybe”. There’s also the Man Who Hates Bruce’s Jokes,
Davearch and The Man In The Hat.
Sometimes it worries me that I have pet names for SO MANY of the Orchestra. I would imagine it would worry them more.
Oh, also to be introduced are the judges, but we all know what they look like by now, and none of them have had terrifying dye-jobs. Not upstairs anyway. Maybe Alesha did something special for Thanksgiving. Anyway, Bruce reminds us that last week, Len and Craig danced together – a tender moment snagged by Len’s Glans. He then proceeds to criticise Craig’s lack of heel leads and his awful arm placement.
It’s not as amazing as when Katya’s criticised his dancing is it? Then again, nothing ever will be. Also Bruce couldn’t do that chola teeth-kissing for fear of sucking his own dentures out and choking on them.
Len starts by thanking Brenda profusely for coming to the aid of yet another damsel in distress (sadly nobody came to the aid of the damsel with
this dress, which if anything was more of a hinderance than Robin’s absence). He also congratulates Anita on coping well with a difficult routine in the cha-cha, which is a very difficult dance. That’s it ladies and gentlemen, officially all the dances are very hard dances. Evene the Week 1, just turn up and shake your bum, cha-cha. (Having said that, after this week it will have culled 4 out of the 9 couples thus far eliminated this series. In fact the only week a cha-cha’s been on the schedule and it HASN’T eliminated someone was when Chelsee did it. So…erm…THINK ON). Anyway, well done on CAHMIN AHT, great acting, now straighten your legs a bit.
Alesha meanwhile is not impressed – she thought it was messy and she wasn’t acting the dance with her body, just her face. Still, it was “cute” and “pleasant”.
Oof. Bruno follows
by smiling that the Uptown Girl obviously doesn’t mind a bit of grease. Don’t be mean about Brenda – he can’t help being naturally…a bit oily…Anyway, Bruno praises her for her light and bright it was, as well as the amount of variety in her steps, and also for her new chemistry with Brenda, who apparently “will go with anything”. (Yeah, ask Camilla…) Like parmesan, he tastes good anywhere! (Poor Bruno’s Boyfriend…)
Craig closes by saying that the whole dance lacked pressure on the balls unfortunately.
Looks like Anita’s making up for it now. He also agrees with Len that her legs were too bent, and also there was a lack of sharpness in her finishes. Oh and there was no True Dynamic to it either. Positives? There are none. Oh well.
Up to the Tessanine they make up their MY-EE-EYE-EE-IND where Tess opens by asking Anita if she’s glad that Brenda came to her rescue. Anita gushes that
yes, she is, it’s been an AMAZING week. Or at least I think she does. Between Natalie’s boobs and the return of Jason’s Organ-Grinder’s Monkey Face, I’m a bit distracted. Tess asks how Robin is doing, and Anita replies that well, he’s dead, but THE SHOW MUST GO ON! (/he sounded much better over the phone. I bet it was that blonde…). Tess cites Bruno telling Anita that there was still plenty of fuel in her tank, which is a good job given that the Swing-A-Thong is coming up. Tess asks Brenda what their tactics are going to be. Apparently they are
to scare everyone off with DRAMATIC HAMSTER FACE. Should work. Scores are in –
The Human Shrug & Artem Chigvintsev dancing the foxtrot
What is it with these plastic hats? Did Fred ever wear a plastic hat? Gene Kelly? Tom Chambers? No, no they did not. Bruce tells a joke, about how Holly called herself an Australian, Bruce, and Bruce told her that she is, in fact, an Australian Sheila, because a “Bruce” is an Australian term meaning a male, and a “Sheila” is an Australian term meaning a female, and Holly Valance is a female, not a male.
Best Bruce Joke Face ever am I right?
VT time now, and the Music People play “Baby, I Don’t Care” over it, therefore everything else is irrelevant. Can we just cancel the rest of the series and give them the glitterball now? Holly says that she loved the energy she got from dancing at Wembley, and wishes she could dance there every week. And then she was in the Bottom Two
Which made it even more exciting and amazing! She loved it! She is getting a little bored of being told that she isn’t putting enough energy into her dances though. Oh Holly, just pull big stupid faces. That’s what they mean.
Training now, and Holly has decided it’s time to reveal what’s holding her back from giving a big tits’n’teeth performance every week. It’s due to a traumatic event she suffered when she was a teenager. That’s right, when Holly was younger
she was made to perform awful comedy VTs against her will. Poor girl! Suddenly it all makes sense! This show must be like being an alcoholic and walking into a bar(/Glasgow) for her! Also apparently there was something at a school dance where a guy she fancied told her that her dancing was too crazy and made her look like a nob. She confides this to Artem who tells her not to worry. He’s got plenty of painkillers left over she can numb the pain with.
Lots and lots and lots of lovely painkillers.
(It is testament, I think, to the sheer awfulness of the comedy VTs blotting out any attempt we might want at getting to know the actual personalities of these couples that I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA whether this is an actual thing that happened that they just acted out really ineptly for LOLs, or if the whole thing is just rubbish done to fill time. Well done show! No, really.)
To the floor and
Poor Elmo. I know budgets must be lean in Wardrobe, but there’s no need to take to skinning Muppets. The band strike up and start up “Mama Knows Best” by Jessie J, and bless her, the xRubyRedDivax really ASSAULTS the song like it’s meant to be sung, tearing great big chunks out of it and spattering the walls with its blood. Sadly this leaves Holly’s own attempts to look vampy and sassy by bending backwards over a bar and randomly pointing look
rather anemic in comparison.
As a foxtrot it’s not bad, if a little quavering, and I applaud her for really committing to trying how to move about in hold, given how artfully she’d dodged it thus far by sprinting like an Afghan and playing ring-around-the-lamppost. I can’t help thinking that, as a dance, foxtrot might not have been the best one to launch any sort of “I CAN DANCE LOUD WOAH WOAH MAMMA KNOWS BEST EE-YEAH EE-YEAH EE-YEAH!” offensive to. Still
this bit’s very nice, and her boobs look amazing.
Once they’re over at the judges, Alesha starts
by saying that she loved the seductive, alluring foxtrot that Holly just did. It was so demure. Which obviously means you should dance it to Jessie J. Who more demure? She loved the opening, and how Holly OWNED IT. But then, what doesn’t Holly own? I want it turn out she’s so rich that she now actually owns the BBC. Would explain how she got on the show in the first place anyway…
Bruno follows, and anyway saying his perving on Harry has gone over the top should look at this
and think on. I think I just had to wipe a bit of his dribble off my laptop. He hisses out “Holleh!” like someone playing the ghost of Al Pacino’s character in Scent Of A Woman, and calls her a “Stasi Teaser”. I’m hoping that was a mis-speak, otherwise there was a whole Anne Frank subtext to that dance that I missed. (She’s BUSTING out her attic!) Breath-taking, sexy, hot, like Gypsy Rose Lee in her prime, everything he wanted from her *fans self* etc etc. Bruce briefly gets his script mixed up with Chelsee and tells Holly that she never knew that she could be so fisticated. Holly replies that
indeed she did not.
Craig follows, saying he was extremely concerned when the music cranked up
just in case Jessie J herself was still hanging round after Wembley. Happily she didn’t sneak up on Holly and scream in her lug-hole like she did to James Morrison. Instead it was just someone else HOOTING their way through one of her songs, so he thought it was fantastic. Len closes
by saying that he ‘ates this bleedin modern music, it was all better in his day, when songs had proper lyrics about falling in love and had a beat you could really dance to, and girls didn’t do that silly thing where they go “woo-oah-oah” at the end of every note and there were none of these electronic instruments that all just sound like different breeds of mice farting and you could make out the words and there was no swearing or mucky stuff. Oh Holly’s dance? That happened? Bits were alright, he guesses.
Up to the Tessanine they J-J-J-J-J-J-Jessie J, and Tess greets them by asking Holly if she feels like she has a point to prove after being in the Bottom 2 last week. Holly replies that she didn’t really – she wanted to go out and enjoy herself, whilst Anton
is mesmerised by her boobs. As were we all Anton, as were we all. For once Wardrobe, you win. Scores are in –
Alex “Never Getting Out Of The First Half Of The Show Ever” Jones & James Jordan dancing the Charleston
Maybe this is some sort of punishment for when she wussed out and left Holly bumped up to the first show of the series without any notice whatsoever. It’s starting to get a bit ridiculous if it is. Anyway, apparently Alex told Bruce that she really wants to last one more week, because then it will be her turn to dance with Brenda!
Only if you can get the keys to her cage off James Bruce, only then.
VT time now, and we’re reminded of Alex’s
GIANT ARM HANKIES OF DOOM. Alex tells us that Wembley was intense, nerve-wracking, and also the best experience she’s ever had. Apart from that time she went to the park and went on the swings and she went so high that she went all the way round the top of the bar in a big circle. No, she did mum, she did. Honest. She was particularly pleased by the comments that Craig gave her about being sharp and staccato, and scoring a 35. She almost passed out! She never thought she’d get a score that high.
And you never will again.
Training now and
it’s actually training! Drink it in people, drink it in. Apparently she’s spent every week asking James if she can do the Charleston yet?, can she do the Charleston yet?, can she do the Charleston yet?, can she do the Charleston yet?, can she do the Charleston yet?, can she do the Charleston yet?, can she do the Charleston yet, can she do the Charleston yet?, can she do the Charleston yet?, can she do the Charleston yet?, do you fancy girls, James? HA HA TRICKED YOU, YOU’RE GAY!
Anyway, this week she can in fact “do the Charleston” and after all those weeks of waiting
yeah. It’s not going well. It’s a bit like when she kept on asking for that Barbie Dream House and then got it and was bored with it within an afternoon and they had to give it to her stuck-up cousin Christine. Anyway, as usual when things go wrong with Alex in training
there’s a lot of shouting. At least these days, it’s from both of them.
We close with Alex saying that trying to get her arms and legs to do different things at the same time is a bit like doing
this. Which is beyond her as well. Oh ALEX.
To the floor now and
their Charleston is being danced to “Me And My Baby” from Chicago. Meaning Kander & Ebb are now I think even with the Soundtrack to Bugsy Malone for being providers of Authentic Charleston Music for the show. The dance itself revolves around three stages, each marked with a different hat. Hat 1
is awful. Genuinely I think the worst Charleston we’ve seen on the show outside of Erin going like Erin. Empty-eyed, heavy gurning.
Hat 2, where everything starts going right. The mania behind her eyes connects with the dance,
her arms and legs swivvel with abandon, and there’s a real nice goofiness to her movement. This bit’s probably my favourite Charleston of the series, even accounting for Pasha dressed as a mechanic. Then there’s
Hat 3, and she’s crap again.
I think that second hat belonged to Katya. It’s the only explanation. I almost feel like counting it as two separate dances for her poll when she gets eliminated.
Up on the Tessanine
Jason is so pleased for her he briefly turns into Donald Trump.
Once they get over to the judges, and Bruce stops whittering on about standing ovations like they mean anything any more, Bruno starts, by calling her a “FANNY GIRL!” whilst his hands
suggest she’s really more of a boob woman. He loved the old-school Vaudeville feel and the goofiness, but she lost timing and her swiveling needed to be sharper, like scissors. To be fair Bruno, she’s never handled scissors before without an appropriate adult there to help her, and…James is anything but an appropriate adult.
Craig’s next, and he says that he feels like she took a major step backwards with that dance,
because she didn’t get it right technically, and she didn’t understand the EXTREME! nature of it. Yes, the Charleston is the snowboarding of the ballroom world. Bless Alex, she couldn’t have been gurning that harder if she tried. Craig explains that everything you do in the Charleston you have to do it XTREME! EXTREME FACE-PULLING! XTREME SWIVVEL! XTREME
SHOULDERS! EVERYTHING! Instead it was just mediocre. Len is next, and disagrees. He thought it was
FUN AND ENTERTAINING SO KNICK-KNACKS TO YOU CRAIG!
Alesha closes by calling it quirky, sweet and funny, and so perfectly suited to Alex’s personality. She loves her, and really looks forward to seeing her dance every week.
Gah alright Alesha, turn it down a notch.
Up to the Tessanine they me and my baby, where Katya
looks on furiously for no real reason. Maybe she’s just angry she’s never got to Charleston on the show. Can you imagine how XTREME she’d get? First ever Charleston to feature dislocated limbs, such would be her commitment to XTREME SWIVVEL! As for Alex and James, she says how much fun she’s had
he kicks off at Craig, she tells him to stop it, blah blah Alex has never danced before HOW DARE CRAIG, lather, rinse, repeat. I guess as this is a designated “Len is nice to Aliona” week, it was always bound to happen. Scores are in
Robbie Savage & The HYPNOBOOBS, ALL HAIL THE HYPNOBOOBS dancing the salsamba
Apparently Robbie told Bruce that he’d like to do “Who Do You Think You Are?” because he likes the idea of a whole programme dedicated to looking at his roots. ROBBIE HAS HAIR! ladies and gentlemen. Yes he does…
VT time now and we’re reminded of the standard of dancing on offer at Wembley last week
Amazing isn’t it? Robbie tells us all that he really liked dancing at Wembley, as it made him feel like Robbie Williams. Oh Robbie, the dancing wasn’t even that good. Anyway, he doesn’t CARE that the judges didn’t like it, it was entertaining and that’s what the people pay to see – him. He’s done with Wembley now though, his next target is BLACKPOOL.
I can only hope not. Ola’s catsuit in 3D might actually leave the nation slack-jawed and open to invasion from foreign powers.
Training now, and Robbie explains to us all that he’d love to share the Strictly experience with his parents but, as his father’s long-term illness means he’s not able to come and see Robbie in the studio, he’s decided that he and Ola are going to
BRING THE STRICTLY EXPERIENCE TO HIM! That’s right, Ola’s going to scream in his ear and Robbie’s going to shoot a glitter-cannon directly in his face. FUN FUN FUN! Looks more like they’re going to act out a lost script for Human Remains.
Anyway, Ola & Robbie samba(ish) around his living room, Robbie jokes that he gets his rhythm from the postman (LOL BANTER!) and his mum
slaps the shit out of him. Ah, good times.
To the dancefloor and,
I really don’t think what I needed was two weeks in a row of Robbie SHOWMAN LATIN. It’s to a SEXY SEX SONG about how SEXY SEX Robbie is (“You Sexy Thing”), Ola’s working her HYPNOBOOBS like the rent’s due
(and so’s Robbie), Robbie’s bounce action still resembles this and nothing but, and, oh yeah
there’s more stripping. (All week I was threatened with the prospect of him doing this routine with an undone bow-tie. Turns out it actually involved the one garment I like even less…) I’ve never been on a hen night, but after this…I certainly feel like I have.
Anton looks like he enjoyed the experience anyway. Pop an L plate round his neck and he’d pass for the bride.
Once they’re at the judges, Robbie whispers an apology to Ola for grabbing her nork halfway through the routine. Bruce asks him what they’re whispering about and Robbie is all “oh nothing, nothing” like a naughty schoolboy. Ola meanwhile
makes a mental note to turn the hypnoboobs down a notch. They have become too powerful, even for her to handle.
Bruce jokes that Craig is first and ooh I bet he just HATED that male stripper routine didn’t you Craig, because yes, us gays will take anything.
In fact Craig would like to criticise Robbie for his over-egged bounce and the fact that his fingers look like they were about to plunge into a bowling ball. Well…in a way…they did. Oh and he found the stripping gratuitous, inane, and inessential. Well, quite.
Len follows, saying that it was more of a “shamba” than a samba. There was lots of good content until the stripping and all
this carry on. That ruined it all for Len. JUST DO A DANCE! he yells, like he couldn’t be yelling that at…well this entire series of the show, let’s be honest. Bruce starts muttering about never having seen a man’s legs on the show before (*thinks back to Widdy*), and then Alesha is next up, saying she loves Robbie’s attitude, and she found it all very entertaining.
Bruno closes by
saying that Robbie is sporting an “interesting look”. See, this is what happens when you don’t have Fashion Icon Graham Taylor around to do the styling. It all goes to pot with the men. The dance? Was heavy, and he was bouncing around like a kangaroo with lip fillers.
Up to the Tessanine they go, those sexy things, where they’re greeted by
everyone openly mocking him for grabbing Ola’s HYPNOBOOB. Apart from Erin. She’s just pointing at his arse. I think something went a bit…wrong in the teleportation between Erin Island and the studio this week. Given that
she and Anita now appear to be one big purple froofy mess, I wonder if Anita accidentally wandered into the teleportation station mid-transfer, and they have become some sort of STRICTLY BRUNDLEFLY.
Anyway, Robbie muffs utterly some joke about how Ola deserved better scores than that, given that she’s been dancing for 20 years now. Ola
I think speaks for us all. Brenda meanwhile yells out “I THOUGHT YOUR HAND PLACEMENT WAS GOOD!”. I know who I think is funnier anyway. Scores are in –
Some Manc Bird and ZOMG, THE WONDERFUL, AMAZING, INCOMPARABLE, SUPERLATIVE, NIGH-ON-PERFECT (except at VT acting) PASHA KOVALEV
I believe that that is what is known as a Chelsee Facelift. I’ve not seen a bun so tight since…well, since Pasha did that Pro Dance with MATTFLINTMANIA, but let’s pass over that…memory, because Bruce is making a joke about how it takes him a week to get a stiffie.
I can’t quite decide if that’s a “Poor Wilnelia” or a “Lucky Wilnelia” to be honest. At least it gives her time to do some dishes and watch Celebrity Cash In The Attic. Pasha Laughs At Everything Face?
Sigh. It’ll happen to you one day Pasha. Unless you consult Bruno’s Under The Counter service obviously. He’s got enough Viagra there to raise the Titanic. Which should be fortunate given… [ENTIRE PARAGRAPH REDACTED]
VT time now, and Chelsee talks about what a strange and surreal feeling she had walking out onto the dancefloor at Wembley. Well, yes, that’d be the fireworks stuffed up your bum.
I can imagine balance is already an issue enough for her without factoring in having Pasha’s rocket stuffed up her jacksie. [JOKE REDACTED BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED]. Anyway, despite Chelsee’s NERVES, she went on to do a decent samba and then called herself a ball of fire about fifty times, but then deciding afterwards that she’s not sure if she really deserved it. Did you SEE the other dances Chelsee? Ali Bastian Brand Latin probably would have been enough. (I may just be ratty because what with BixMix on X Factor my tolerance to forced humility is running low…)
Training now, and Chelsee has decided that Argentine Tango is cheesy and not quite her.
In summary, this series, Chelsee has played the role of – a saucy flight attendant, a saucy sex-pixie created in the lab by a mad scientist, a saucy starlet who breaks down and flirts with her saucy mechanic, the saucy ghost of a pianist’s lover, and a saucy Geri Halliwell with a balloon fetish and fireworks that shoot out of her anus. And that’s not even touching on the VTs. And yet THIS is too cheesy? Yeah yeah yeah, it is clearly because she is secretly in love with Pasha/Pasha is secretly in love with her/they both secretly love one another and can’t, won’t, MUSTN’T reveal their feelings for one another until blah blah blah blah Fan-Thread Fan-Fiction twaddle waddle waddle.
Apparently Chelsee also doesn’t find acting attraction to Pash easy because he is a big fugmo, so he does some
NUCLEAR STRENGTH bad acting at her and demands she tell him who her ideal man is, so he can pretend to be him, because that’s what all the girls want – the male equivalent of Sandy from Grease.
Turns out Chelsee’s ideal man is John Wayne Gacy. What a dark insight into the mind of Chelsee. (Notice how Pasha even makes a child-murdering serial killer look adorable.)
To the dance-floor, before I lose the will to type, and
first ever Strictly dance where it’s official that the lady is a hooker right? If they’d turned that lamp-post red I’d be 100% sure, but I think it’s fairly obvious. I mean…Chelsee flashes a bit of bum at Pasha from the doorway.
Either she’s a prostitute, or this is just how they say hello in the NORF. Anyway they get all up in
one another’s hair and flick their legs around
and it’s all very reminiscent of Rachel Stevens’ Argentine Tango, except not nearly as good, because if there’s one thing Rachel had that Chelsee doesn’t it what RUTHLESS BEADY-EYED ROBOTIC determination to get her technique right. Chelsee meanwhile is happy to flop around any old how so long as it looks vaguely like what it’s supposed to and rely on charm. Which doesn’t make for a great Argentine Tango really. Nice try, but it’s all a bit flaccid, and she’s learning away from Pasha like he’s got hideous garlic breath. I guess they ARE in France…
Pasha doesn’t even get proper laid at the end either. What a swizz. He paid his tenner, he wants his Parisian hand-job!
The BRUNDLE-ERIN is pleased enough though. It doesn’t ask for much – it has to be fed up its nose, so any stimulation is a plus. It gets a standing ovation as well, including Chelsee’s mum
beaming the smile that only a mother who’s just watched her daughter play a prozzie on national tv could smile.
Len starts for the judges, and he is…disappointed. He hated the lack of passion! I am shocked that Len of all people is turning down a dance about hookers, given that’s 90% of the guff he spouts about the Argentine Tango. Maybe he just didn’t recognise her as one because she wasn’t wearing an Adidas sweat-shirt, smoking a fag, and suggestively munching a savaloy. He yells at Chelsee
that it’s not as though she had to ELOPE with Pasha, just be a bit more passionate. Chelsee squeaks “what does that mean?”, Alesha honks “YOU DON’T HAVE TO MARRY HIM.” Thanks Alesha. Len then closes by saying it’s still the best dance he’s seen so far tonight. I feel that’s a compliment about a par with me saying “this episode is the most tolerable Len has been all series”.
Alesha follows by saying that she more or less agrees with Len – technically it was strong, but Chelsee just needs to lose her inhibitions and dance with a bit of intensity. Pretend you’re Janeece and you just found out that Waterloo Road will close because of a python infestation (or whatever happens in that bloody show) unless you seduce the Health And Safety inspector (played by special guest star Sid Little). When she DOES lose her inhibitions, she’s going to go THROUGH THE ROOF! Just like Russell did, and we all know how well that ended for him.
Bruno follows by grinning “you’re a goody goody little girl aren’t you?”. Chelsee peeps back “no!”. Tell me about it. Anyway, Bruno liked the intricacies and the shapes (and the colours and the lights and the funny clown in the VT), but she needs to be “badder”, meaner, and tougher. Like this!
Or not. Now you know why Arlene used to sit next to Craig, dear. Craig closes by telling Chelsee that she needs to let Pasha get her in the A-Frame. I’d let Pasha get me in th…[JOKE REDACTED]
OH SORRY, WAS THERE VALUABLE TECHNICAL CRITIQUE GOING ON THERE AMIDST MY SMUTTY JOKES. APOLOGIES. Apparently she lacks a solar-plexus connection. Whatever that means. Probably means she sticks her bum out too much. Usually does.
Up to the Tessanine they authentic Argentinian tango music, where Tess asks Chelsee if she is prepared to be “badder”. Chelsee replies that of course she could…just maybe not on telly.
I’m saying, the week Brenda has to do Rent-A-Pro for Pasha, it will be for some sort of laughing-related injury. Scores are in –
Greyson Donobot & Kristina Rihanoff dancing the Charleston
In many ways those faces have haunted my nightmares since the show aired. Apparently Jason was very upset over the mistake he made in his jive last week, but Bruce told him not to worry, because, although you wouldn’t have noticed it, he made a mistake during the show last week as well! The secret to covering it up, is repeating what you said again and again until you get it right, and occasionally throw in a few Daffy Duck noises and clutches at Tess, and nobody will notice a thing went wrong! Or at least that’s what the producers tells him. Or at least that’s what he makes the producers tell him.
VT time now, and
Jason was almost obscenely happy and bouncy before his jive and then
almost obscenely not afterwards. Obviously it was still the most amazing, exhilarating, fulfilling experience of his LIFE, because it was WEMBLEY!, duh, but still…Oh well, life happens, this things are sent to try us, really he’s absolutely fine and at peace with it all, and definitely didn’t spend half this week re-training the jive when he was supposed to be doing Charleston just to make things right, just to prove he could do it, definitely not, and besides, even if he did, it’d be perfectly justified because they’re doing a Swingathon aren’t they, yes, that would definitely have been why he spent til 4am every night repeating that one jive section over and over on a loop, yes, definitely that.
Training now, and
we are briefly treated to a recreation of the birth of Jason’s first child. What a view that must have been. It’s an excuse at any rate for Jason to practice his best gurny smiley faces before he unleashes them on the world at large. Smiles, confused faces, just…general gurnery, they’re all in there. Kristina tells Jason that he really has to SELL THIS DANCE, which results in
this. I’m so lost with Jason’s VTs at this point that I’m not even going to bother. Is he angling for some sort of 21st century Max Headroom revival? Let’s just cut to the dancing. (Someone from the BBC pulled me up on twitter this week when I was being particularly…splenetic asking what I’d rather see instead. I think I boiled my point down to “people being themselves, rather than pretending to be something else”. That, at heart, is all I want.)
(Also, no Barrowman)
OK, at first, I thought what was bothering me in this dace, which is certainly high-energy and frenetic and fun if…not technically in-sync or all there, was Jason’s faces. It usually is. And yet, on rewatch…
it’s all Kristina, who is giving out pure Papa Lazarou realness. Oh alright
it’s a bit Jason as well. For comparison the scariest thing about the Charleston the last time it was performed to this song (“Yes Sir, That’s My Baby”) was Anton’s chest-hair. After this I feel like I’m the Ancient Mariner and I’ve just seen my albatross.
And Jason’s obviously just seen it as well. I think it just pooped on Craig’s head. It gets a standing ovation, and the almighty GULP of air Jason takes when it’s over is quite something. It looks like someone’s vacuuming his throat into his lungs. I’m guessing this might explain his sub-par Swingathon performance. Poor bloke’s knackered.
Bruno starts for the judges
pulling a face almost to rival Kristina’s, to say that that was high energy and exuberant slapstick. He particularly loved the facial expressions! I’m guessing through Bruno’s lens of the world they were actually pretty close to how he sees people all the time. It’s the first time he’s ever seen true authentic emotion on the show! *weeps*
Craig follows, saying that he was WILLING it to be brilliant and perfect, but then…it wasn’t. It all went wrong in the kick section. Like anybody was looking at anything below the Adam’s Apple (/Kristina’s Apple) during that entire performance. He just made a lucky guess. Len follows by saying that he has nothing valuable to say that somebody else hasn’t already said. When is that ever not true? Alesha closes by saying that she loved it, and she really appreciates just how hard Jason gets to get everything right.
It’s sad that this show is rushing to fill time, and it’s rushing to fill time to fit the Swing-McGee in at the end. I wanted to hear more about Kristina’s faces. I wanted them explained to me, and reassured that it wasn’t demonic possession.
Up to the Tessanine they charleston, CHARLESTON, where Tess greets they by yelling “IT WAS ALLWHITE ON THE NIGHT!”. Yes Tess, never let what actually happened get in the way of a good pun, that’s what I always say. Jason waxes lyrical about really being able to find a character to get into and work on, and just how much the Charleston represents the pure, untrammelled experience of no-limites free-roaming will FUN. You know
just like he does. Tess asks him what the audience can look forward to for Movie Week. Jason replies “lots of characterisation!”. Can’t WAIT. Scores are in –
ROCK GOD and all-round nice guy Harry McFlea & Aliona Vilani dancing the quickstep
Apparently all the screaming over Harry’s half-naked torso last week has apparently left him temporarily deaf. This inability to hear the rhythm is about to lead him to produce his best dance yet. Is this in fact a corollary of the “less training = better dance” rule? Good job this wasn’t known before Snowdon’s series, or she’d have been poking herself in the ear with a red hot poker faster than you could say “I dated George Clooney you know”.
VT time now, and we learn that the prospect of dancing at Wembley left Harry so scared he was quite literally
THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!
Harry tells us all that being in a band, he never really had any aspiration to dance at Wembley, but now he has so…hooray? I guess? Anyway, he’s going to work really very hard from here on out, and pull out all the stops to win.
Training and apparently the quickstep is proving really difficult for Harry, because it’s all really fast, and it involves lots of changes in rhythm. What better way to solve this than with a nice round of
STEP ON THE RIGHT NOTE AT THE RIGHT TIME AND GAIN POINTS STEP ON THE WRONG NOTE AT THE WRONG TIME AND LOSE POINTS MUSIC MAESTRO! You can keep your Botofogo Dance-Offs, and you can keep your Dance Machine, outside of Lilia scoring zero (if I wanted to watch people fail to understand how to play a video game I’d visit my parents more often). This was always the best Pro Competition. Somewhere Tom Chambers is SPITTING that he wasn’t allowed this in his series. Anyway, Harry plays out “Don’t Get Me Wrong” on the keyboard,
/”plays “Don’t Get Me Wrong” on the keyboard”, and then they show some weird shots of him drumming with his feet, which…this is not a foot fetishism blog. Go somewhere else please.
To the dance-floor where
baw, it’s the like the top of a wedding cake isn’t it? Sadly Harry’s face doesn’t really change from that fixed expression throughout, except occasionally he furrows his brow a little harder or stares at the floor a little bit more, or sees a random McFlea and grins. Which is a tiny shame, because other than that, it’s his best dance so far, and definitely one of the best of the series.
So fast, so tight, so controlled! Hooray! I really do like him better than everyone else in ballroom (when he does it, not sub-Twilight vampire bondage rubbesh). If he can push the performance a little harder, or produce a Latin dance that isn’t…well…a bit rubbish, then I may have to change which horse I’m backing mid-series, and I NEVER do that. Except when Jade Johnson died/Austin WUZZ ROBBED/Scott decided he couldn’t be arsed any more. But OTHER THAN THAT. Anyway, great dance and it even has a great
finish, which…I’ve missed amazing end-poses this series I really have. Remember the magic of these?
Less so this…
Ahem. More imagination as we head into the final straight is what I’m saying. Anyway, up on the Tessanine
James Jordan heartily endorses this event or product.
It gets a standing ovation, and Bruce feels the need to point out that there have been SEVEN dances this evening and SEVEN standing ovations. I think that says more about the standing ovations than it does the dances, don’t you Bruce? Craig starts for the judges by telling Harry that he has a lazy left foot.
Well that’s that out of the running for which body part of Harry’s is going to win the series. Nobody likes a lazybones. Anyway, by “lazy” he means “pigeon toed” and sickled. Aliona laughs her head off at this obvious distraction, and then Craig beams that that was the only fault he could find with it. OH YOU, CRAIG! Len then decides to gazzump him in the LOLSWERVE stakes by saying that he’s only given Harry 8s up til now but…that dance might get a 9 (*hint FUCKING hint IT’S GETTING A 10*). I would have laughed so hard if he’d only given it an 8 after that. He did say “might” after all.
Alesha follows by saying that she says that her favourite moments of being a judge are when she can just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. And also when she gets her 2 paddle out. But this was one of the first type of occasions, yes it was. Bruno’s so pleased with it, he didn’t even perve!
Up to the Tessanine they don’t get themselves wrong, where they are greeted by Anita being
so over-awed that she…appears to be offering him a favour. Maybe later Anita. (Poor Billy Connolly). Tess asks Harry if he’s thinking about winning the whole series at this point, and Harry says yeah, of course he is, and he’s GOT IN THE BAG! Oh ok, not really
humble humble, he’s just living day by day, dance by dance, piece by piece, dance-morsal by dance-morsal, so grateful to everyone for keeping them in, etc etc. Tess, evil HUMILTY-PUNCTURING PLAN foiled
then asks him if he’s ready for the swing-ma-dick. Harry replies that he better be, given that the band have started playing the opening bars already and Robbie Savage has already been eliminated (he just doesn’t know it yet). Scores are in –
EVERYONE DO THE BARTMAN!
Or Swingathon, or whatever. Here’s Len to tell us all about it!
Looking bizarrely like how Michael Barrymore might have wound up now, if mental health had treated him more kindly. Anyway, per Len, the swing is a very fast and energetic jive mixed with jitterbug and Lindy Hop (NEVER MENTION THOSE WORDS AGAIN LEN, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING), with lots of kicks and throws and lifts and tricks and bounce and fun. On Strictly, it is represented by all the couples more or less standing on the spot and occasionally doing a cart-wheel or the same lift over and over again for half an hour, preceded by a whole week of VTs that pretend everyone’s going to go out there swinging their fists and kicking one another in the crotch, when in the end the closest anybody gets to physical violence with another couple is the daggers they stare at them when they get to stay in because the judges like them more. Couples are eliminated one by one, with the first eliminee getting 1 point, then the next getting 2 points, then 3 points, and so on all the way up to 7 points. Settled? Good, let’s get on with it. We close with Robbie saying
“I’M GOING TO BRING OUT THE TWO-FOOTED LUNGE!” Although I briefly mis-hear and presume that Ola is about to take cunniliftus to a whole new level.
To the dance-floor, and we open with Bruce reminding us that all decisions regarding eliminations will be made by the panel as a whole, but in the event of disagreement, Len will arbitrate.
…sorry, that should read, be arbitrary. My mistake. Anyway, Len is asked what the couples should do – he says to get right into it from the start, because once they’ve eliminated Robbie and Anita and Holly wanders off for a fag, IT COULD BE ANYBODY’S GAME. Tess gives notice that Harry & Aliona are still mid-costume change (Good luck they’re not using Russell’s screens, they’d probably take another hour…), so can Bruno please fill time by pretending everyone’s about to SCRATCH EVERYONE ELSE’S EYES OUT please? He does so. He tells everyone that they need to stay inflated, keep the rhythm going, and never get distracted.
He is still talking about the swingathon. I think.
Anyway, Aliona’s now got her best custard-filled knickers on, so it’s time to START. This year they’re dancing to Chatanooga Choo-Choo, and it’s the same old boring mess the Swingathon is, but I shall try to pick out some highlights.
a) The fact that Brenda
goes RIGHT to cunniliftus, without pause or hesitation.
b) The fact that Holly is just doing her jive choreography again. She’s not alone.
c) Jason being out of time with Kristina from the very first second, and then just standing there doing random arm pumps and kicks and nothing else and still finishing fourth
d) Alex being, technically speaking, almost always either mid-way through a RIDICULOUS lift
or just bobbing around, with no in-between
squatting on the floor for a good two or three seconds not doing anything, possibly sneaking a Twix out of Artem’s turn-ups.
LOSING HER SHIT when she gets eliminated first
g) Aliona choosing to mock this by almost IMMEDIATELY launching into Ola’s signature move
h) Official lip-readers tell me that
she’s shouting “ELIMINATE ME PLEASE, I’M BORED NOW”
i) The camera missing pretty much every single one of the fifty cartwheels that Harry does throughout, meaning we constantly just get a bit of heel FLYING past the camera-lens
j) Len’s face
every time he has to eliminate someone. Cheer up a bit! This is supposed to be fun!
k) The fact that when Alex is eliminated she can’t peg it off the dance-floor fast enough.
Anyway, the upshot is the rankings are as follows
1. Harry & Aliona
2. Chelsee & Pasha
3. Alex & James
4. Jason & Kristina
5. Holly & Artem
6. Anita & Robin
7. Robbie & Ola
If I had an opinion, it would be something close to that, but really let’s be honest, it was a big old boring waste of time again, and I hope they never rep…oh wait, hang on, the changes in leaderboard position that it brought about probably gave Holly one more week in the competition, despite the fact that her own contribution to it was basically wheezing around like an asthmatic mule.
SWINGATHON FOREVER! MAY YOU NEVER LEAVE US!