So the theme this week? We’re right into TWO DANCES, with the most dancers yet! FOURTEEN routines of athletic, exciting d…oh, no, wait one of them is the swimathon. Never mind.
So as to be fair, the show is front-loaded with the worst dancers and closed with the best. In the end I doubt it made much difference, stamina-wise, but it was a nice thought. And so it is we open with Anita, now partnered with Brenda, because Robin has a foot infection, a fact which is exploited for tragically little injury porn, but then it probably only would have plaed in comparison to Artem Variety injury porn anyway. She’s doing a cha-cha, the least energeting of party dances, and so oddly enough the one she’s worst at, because she can’t gurn her way out of it. Brenda gives it a good go on her behalf, because he is a gent, and also it is a dance performed to an 80s classic (Uptown Girl) but even he can’t save it. Nor can Robbie ripping his trousers off and revealing nasty shiny-shine football shorts and nobbly knees save a rather overdone samba. Although maybe it does if you’re in a different demographic to me.
Also in the opening segment is Holly Valance, performing a foxtrot to a Jessie J track that is incredibly bombastic (what? Jessie J? bombastic?! Next you’ll be saying she occasionally just makes noises for no real reason!) and as such leaves the level of performance Holly is capable of producing looking slightly lacking in comparison. She tries, in hold, in a noble sort of way, and it might be enough to keep her out of the bottom 2 again, but also probably not.
Hovering around the whole affair are duelling Charlestons, Alex vs Jason. Alex produces a dance that is in sequence : crap, amazing, and then crap again as she changes hats by picking them up off a coat-rack. I think the middle one may have belonged to Katya. At any rate she is beaten by Jason & Kristina who produce a Charleston that’s genuinely unnerving in its torpid over-acting. Both Jason & Kristina gurn and pull inappropriate faces and at times it fits the hammy boozy nature of the Charleston and at times it’s…just a bit scary.
Right at the end we get Chelsee and Harry, surely on course at this point to be the Final Two (note to fanbases – this means all Harry fans now have to call Chelsee a fake rude slapper, and Chelsee fans, this means you now have to start calling him a smug fake teachers pet. I DON’T CARE IF YOU LIKE THEM, THIS IS LAW). Chelsee does a very vampy trashy Argentine Tango that’s a little bit floppy but not actually as heatless as the judges make out I don’t think, and Harry’s pulls out a quickstep that is AMAZING as long as you don’t look at his face, which is brow-furrowed and looking downwards at all times. Killer ending though.
Swing-my-dick? Swing-a-ma-jig? Swimmathon? Swing-my-thong? Whatever it’s called it’s no more watchable than it was last year, but the upshot is that Harry wins, Chelsee & Alex get a boost leaderboard wise, and Jason & Anita…don’t. Nobody hits anyone or anything so…there’s that.
I’m guessing Anita to go home, with…anyone from Alex down there with her. AND THEN MOVIE WEEK.