Anyone wondering about the absence of blog-favourite Dr Hamela this week, ponder on what she could have done to get herself banned from Wembley. Yeah. She did that. TWICE.
We open with footage of screaming girls in the 1960s accosting terrified policemen. Yes it’s a tribute to Jason’s fanbase ladies and gentlemen! Not really, it’s a tribute to one those lovely ladies who grew up to be a Strictly Star, that’s right Ladies & Gentlemen, it’s time for
WIDDYMANIA! Oh alright, not really, it’s a very loving tribute to The Beatles. Anyone who had Harry down as the first member of McFly to show the world his Ringo live on national television, congratulations, you just cashed in. Personally I’d bet on Dougie, so I am now DESTITUTE. Anyway, the floor is decorated just like the 60s
with the producers having made canny use of Chelsee and Alex, as usual, having made a sloppy job of parking their cars before the show. WOMEN DRIVERS EH LADS? All the pros, present and eliminated do their best 60s vamping, and then Strictly get an even bigger coup! They got someone to do something not even the dollah of the X Factor could manage.
THEY GOT JOHNNY ROBINSON TO PERFORM IN DR…oh wait, that’s Anita. And her dress from the main show was so nice as well. Ah well, she’s still working a better hit ratio than Tess, even with this, the Dolly Mixture Explosion and the SHOES dance.
The band work through “Twist & Shout” and “She Loves You” before a very literal rendering of
“Drive My Car”, where Alex assures us all that she definitely doesn’t have the keys on her person, and the Ringo wig appears to have turned Harry Judd into a massive pervert (*note to self* : Buy Beatles wig).
Next is “Get Back” which features Alex messing up clapping at the audience and skipping, which is quite a feat given that it made up 95% of the choreography in all the routines from the Performance Show. Never mind Alex, your kerjuggahs are out of control, and that’s the main thing. I really hope for Revolution 9 to start up and everyone to just collapse to the floor twitching and frothing at the mouth, but sadly this does not happen. But something almost equally trippy does.
Yes that’s right children, Craig is dancing. It is not dying, it is not dying. Despite what it looks like. The whole thing ends, as any tribute to The Beatles should, with
Natalie Lowe and Brenda Cole front and centre. BEST OF BRITISH Y’ALL!
Oh Jason…wrong European country. I know we’re all the same to you Aussies but still…
Speaking of history’s greatest monsters
here’s the show’s very own Trotsky and Stalin. Watch out for an ice-pick Claudia, that’s all I’m saying. Also maybe a comb. Claudia bellows
that THIS IS THE BIGGEST STRICTLY EVER! THE DANCE-FLOOR WAS REALLY BIG! ERM! LARGENESS! WEMBLEY! HOORAY! Tess then reminds us that, just as the 60s had their own Fab Four – The Beatles, so Strictly has its own Fab Four
this lot. I imagine that makes Arlene the Pete Best, Jennifer Grey the Yoko, Karen Hardy Mick Jagger, and Darcey Bussell Cilla Black. Oh and what better comparison to draw than by lurching from a reference to the Beatles to tonight musical line-up – Il Divot, James Nutini-Cullum and NAH TIKKA TIKKA NAH TIKKAH TIKKAH COCONUT MAN WOAH-WOAH-WOAH-WOAH-WOAH-UHHH-UUHH-UHH-UHH-UHHH BAH BING BAH BING BAH BLING BAH BLING DO IT LIKE A BARROWMAN DEM SUGAH SUGAH SUGAH J-J-J-J-J-JESSIE J (and other noises).
That’s right Claudia, brace yourself, as I learn things from the recap thusly :
a) Ola’s Hypnoboobs are
still your Lord and Master. ALL HAIL THE HYPNOBOOBS!
b) Alex celebrates like
the 8 year old you know she is, inside. James meanwhile, celebrates like he’s getting a rectal exam.
c) In one spin, Holly thought her head might come off. It didn’t.
d) Savaged by the judges, Anita takes solace from her friend
Mrs Swan. DON’T WORRY ANITA, YOU WERE FABULOUS! QUACK QUACK! NOW BURN WEMBLEY DOWN!
e) Len can well imagine that, if he were a girl (HE THINK HE COULD UNDERSTAND!), he’d look at Harry and go
YUM YUM, WHAT A BUM! Oh Len, you’re a man, of sorts, and you still did.
f) Russell thinks the feeling of being in Wembley is unbelievable. That’s because your arse is still on fire from the cannon Russell, find a trough QUICK!
g) Len thinks it’s a shame that Russell can’t dance. Might have wanted to mention that in your critiques at some point Leonard.
h) If Len were a boy
he’d perv on Chelsee.
i) If Jasebot’s being honest, he’s a little ticked off with himself for going wrong in his jive
(*irritatedly taps golf club into his own leg so hard it reveals his wiring*)
AHOY! This means that our first couple in the bottom 2 is
these two. Russell spontaneously runs up then down the stairs, as a mirror-universe reference to last week, then punches Tess in the face. (Not really, he’s fine.) Tess asks Bruno is he is shocked, rest assured
BRUNO IS SHOCKED! But also, this is a dance competition (?!) so he is NOT SHOCKED, ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Such a turmoil it is, being Bruno.
To Claud 9, briefly earthed for one week, where Claudia is with the safe couples and of course, as a drama whore, she’s all over Poor Anita
like a tick on a dirty dog. She wants to LOOK AT HER FACE!
IT’S LIKE A PONY’S FACE! Anita protests that she can’t believe it! And she was called out first as well which obviously means…something (it means you were in the bottom 2 last week dear, keep up). She’d just like to thank everyone out there in TV Land for voting for LITTLE OLD HER for just one more week! Claudia then turns to Robbie and asks him what it was like opening the show on the BIGGEST STRICTLY EVER! Robbie tears up, saying it was better than any of his footballing achievements
(wouldn’t be hard). He then starts weeping on about how he used to be one of the most hated footballers IN THE WORLD, but now the public love him or whatever. I don’t even follow football outside of that moderately fit new Chelsea manager and I know he’d barely scrape the top 1000. Finally Alex is asked if she was shocked that she was top of the leaderboard.
She was. That, or James just told her how babies are made.
Next up :
Jessie J playing Grandmother’s Footsteps James Morrison whilst he tries to sing a song. It’s a right old racket and no mistake. You can tell it’s a performance piece because he isn’t turning around at this point going “JESUS, WHAT’S THAT NOISE?” and Jessie J isn’t pulling a face to indicate “it’s me drowning out your dry-as-dirt honking Morrison”. Anyway, they both
perform right to the floor, which has probably got Karen in a right old tizz up in her starship. I’d actually probably actually listen in if she did commentary on the Results Shows. She and Ramps would have done this MUCH BETTER, FACT!
Did Claudia love it?
Of course she didn’t! Now it’s time for LEN’S WEMBLEY GLANS!
Yes, that Widdy-wig does make his head look especially wee-willy like doesn’t it. Alesha giggles “it’s a pink glans”. Yes dear, now give it a bonus point. Oh and it turns out that 6,500 people is officially
the point where Bruno stops flapping his cock around to all and sundry.
First for dissection, it’s Craig’s part of the Queen Medley where he pretended to be Billy Connolly and got flung through the air :
it’s like that bit at the end of The Little Mermaid when Ursula gets harpooned in the tits by a ship’s prow. In further “death of a cartoon character” news, it turns out that Billy Connolly
came and murdered Bruno for getting his part of Bohemian Rhapsody wrong. So humourless that one. Hey Billy Connolly, how many hours did it take you to stuff Anita into her cat-box to transport her to Wembley?
As if this wasn’t enough of Luvvie’s Corner here’s Len and Craig caught in a private moment when they didn’t know they were being filmed.
Personally I expected more nudity.
What? The couples? Pfft. Here’s Robbie
pooping out a giant Ola mid-dance. Whatever, it’s not fireworks Robbie, I’m not impressed. I don’t even care if it WAS your teabagging revenge for Ultimate Cunniliftus. Len says that if Ola had had a croissant on her head he’d have been in trouble. No arguing with that. Might have been a nice surprise for his wife later though. Next Alesha, as she HAS BEEN, NOT HERE, WEMBLEY, BUT HERE, STRICTLY IN GENERAL AND DONE THIS, THIS BEING THE JIVE, gamely tries to pretend that, no, really, it definitely could have been amazing! Honest! Let’s skip over this, I love Alesha too much to watch her prop this edifice up.
Next up, we watch Harry do a flip-splits that
I’d forgotten was even in the routine. Turns out that routine contained so many hidden delights that got lost amidst the general boredom. Claudia asks Craig if he regrets giving him an 8 given that amazing lift, and Craig says no, because he didn’t really do a back-step. I wish Claudia would ask Len why he didn’t knock a mark off for the illegal lift, given that you’re not allowed to do them in the samba (LOL).
Right, that’s enough of the couples, here’s
Bruno acting like a good during the Queen Medley. As usual we end, for no real reason
with Russell. I hope next week’s Len’s Glans ends with a slow-motion shot of him sat on his sofa munching a Pot Noodle and crying.
More Safety Sex Faces?
Getting thin on the ground aren’t they? Anyway, this leaves Jason, because he made a mistake and we’re trying to ramp the dramas up, and Holly
who is obviously in the bottom two, and knows it, and finds it hilarious. This is why she’s my favourite personality of the series (at least since Nancy left, neva4get). Just for contrast, this is what Jason & Kristina are doing at exactly the same point.
Never change Holly, never change.
I’d say the same to Jason but
I don’t think he really can. Tess reminds Alesha that we started the series with FOURTEEN CUPPLES and next week we will have ONLY SEVEN!
Thanks Tess. Now add Brian Fortuna & Ali Bastian, divide by the square root of HAYLEY HOLT and the NUMBER YOU WERE FIRST THINKING OF IS VORDERUMBA! AM I RIGHT? Alesha replies that Holly 100% deserves her place in the competition, if that’s the question Tess was asking.
IL DIVOT! They’re singing “It’s Time To Say Goodbye”, and all I will say about this performance is that it makes me wish whole-heartedly that they’d reprised it as Russell’s goodbye music, complete with cannon again, and
leaf-fall. Would have made that whole silly stunt worthwhile. (Yes, I said stunt).
Speaking of which, here’s Russell now,
craning in to drink in every last drop of his last interview with Claudia. Well, at least he didn’t start dry-humping her like he did Zoe. And that “dry” is a charity for your minds at home, ladies and gentlemen. He says that he’s not shocked, and he’s happy he’s got to Wembley, because that was always his goal (he’s just decided now…). He thought he’d be gone by October-ish, which is oddly unspecific given that the first elimination took place on the 8th.
Claudia then turns to Holly and asks her if she had an inkling this might happen. Holly said that she
totally did. It was when she looked in the mirror and saw they’d styled her as a stone-age prostitute with a Guylian sea-shell on its head and Chewbacca’s ringlets. Fortunately the stylists live to molest Holly another day as
it’s Russell leaving us.
(Incidentally, those little clips of the bottom that I edit out because they’re nothing but boring gush were preceded with “here’s what we love about them”. But then it featured Holly saying she loved dancing and Artem and the competition and the dresses and everything. Where was her riding round in her helicopter smoking a fag and throwing eggs at poor people? Inquiring Monkseals want to know).
Over to Tess they go, and Tess congratulates them on getting a standing ovation every single week that they danced. And this week as well. Russell then gives the goodbye speech you’d expect, thanking the public, the judges, and most of all, the fantastic partner he’s had “in Flavia Cacace” before standing back and
giving her the full Artem. Wait…”in Flavia Cacace”. Oh poor Flavia. Jimi wasn’t taking night classes in Spanish after all. 😦
IMPROMPTU STRICTLY COMEDY CONTESTANT RANKING!
1. Julian Clary
2. Nancy Dell’Olio
3. Kate Garraway (Post Elimination Edition)
4. Russell Grant
5. Peter Schmeichal’s Latin
6. Dennis Taylor
7. John Sergeant
8. Chris Parker
9. Ricky Groves
10. The Widdinator