Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 8 Results

Anyone wondering about the absence of blog-favourite Dr Hamela this week, ponder on what she could have done to get herself banned from Wembley. Yeah. She did that. TWICE.

We open with footage of screaming girls in the 1960s accosting terrified policemen. Yes it’s a tribute to Jason’s fanbase ladies and gentlemen! Not really, it’s a tribute to one those lovely ladies who grew up to be a Strictly Star, that’s right Ladies & Gentlemen, it’s time for

WIDDYDEPRESSIA!

WIDDYMANIA! Oh alright, not really, it’s a very loving tribute to The Beatles. Anyone who had Harry down as the first member of McFly to show the world his Ringo live on national television, congratulations, you just cashed in. Personally I’d bet on Dougie, so I am now DESTITUTE. Anyway, the floor is decorated just like the 60s

Meep

with the producers having made canny use of Chelsee and Alex, as usual, having made a sloppy job of parking their cars before the show. WOMEN DRIVERS EH LADS? All the pros, present and eliminated do their best 60s vamping, and then Strictly get an even bigger coup! They got someone to do something not even the dollah of the X Factor could manage.

WOOT!

THEY GOT JOHNNY ROBINSON TO PERFORM IN DR…oh wait, that’s Anita. And her dress from the main show was so nice as well. Ah well, she’s still working a better hit ratio than Tess, even with this, the Dolly Mixture Explosion and the SHOES dance.

The band work through “Twist & Shout” and “She Loves You” before a very literal rendering of

DRIVE IT!

“Drive My Car”, where Alex assures us all that she definitely doesn’t have the keys on her person, and the Ringo wig appears to have turned Harry Judd into a massive pervert (*note to self* : Buy Beatles wig).

Next is “Get Back” which features Alex messing up clapping at the audience and skipping, which is quite a feat given that it made up 95% of the choreography in all the routines from the Performance Show. Never mind Alex, your kerjuggahs are out of control, and that’s the main thing. I really hope for Revolution 9 to start up and everyone to just collapse to the floor twitching and frothing at the mouth, but sadly this does not happen. But something almost equally trippy does.

whee!
Look at him go!

Yes that’s right children, Craig is dancing. It is not dying, it is not dying. Despite what it looks like. The whole thing ends, as any tribute to The Beatles should, with

YEE-HAW!

Natalie Lowe and Brenda Cole front and centre. BEST OF BRITISH Y’ALL!

JA!

Oh Jason…wrong European country. I know we’re all the same to you Aussies but still…

Speaking of history’s greatest monsters

skoll

here’s the show’s very own Trotsky and Stalin. Watch out for an ice-pick Claudia, that’s all I’m saying. Also maybe a comb. Claudia bellows

WOOO!

that THIS IS THE BIGGEST STRICTLY EVER! THE DANCE-FLOOR WAS REALLY BIG! ERM! LARGENESS! WEMBLEY! HOORAY! Tess then reminds us that, just as the 60s had their own Fab Four – The Beatles, so Strictly has its own Fab Four

F-A-B!

this lot. I imagine that makes Arlene the Pete Best, Jennifer Grey the Yoko, Karen Hardy Mick Jagger, and Darcey Bussell Cilla Black. Oh and what better comparison to draw than by lurching from a reference to the Beatles to tonight musical line-up – Il Divot, James Nutini-Cullum and NAH TIKKA TIKKA NAH TIKKAH TIKKAH COCONUT MAN WOAH-WOAH-WOAH-WOAH-WOAH-UHHH-UUHH-UHH-UHH-UHHH BAH BING BAH BING BAH BLING BAH BLING DO IT LIKE A BARROWMAN DEM SUGAH SUGAH SUGAH J-J-J-J-J-JESSIE J (and other noises).

*BRACE*

That’s right Claudia, brace yourself, as I learn things from the recap thusly :

a) Ola’s Hypnoboobs are

BOOOOBS

still your Lord and Master. ALL HAIL THE HYPNOBOOBS!

b) Alex celebrates like

YAY!

the 8 year old you know she is, inside. James meanwhile, celebrates like he’s getting a rectal exam.

c) In one spin, Holly thought her head might come off. It didn’t.

d) Savaged by the judges, Anita takes solace from her friend

QUACK QUACK!

Mrs Swan. DON’T WORRY ANITA, YOU WERE FABULOUS! QUACK QUACK! NOW BURN WEMBLEY DOWN!

e) Len can well imagine that, if he were a girl (HE THINK HE COULD UNDERSTAND!), he’d look at Harry and go

YUM YUM!

YUM YUM, WHAT A BUM! Oh Len, you’re a man, of sorts, and you still did.

f) Russell thinks the feeling of being in Wembley is unbelievable. That’s because your arse is still on fire from the cannon Russell, find a trough QUICK!

g) Len thinks it’s a shame that Russell can’t dance. Might have wanted to mention that in your critiques at some point Leonard.

h) If Len were a boy

WEURRRGH

he’d perv on Chelsee.

i) If Jasebot’s being honest, he’s a little ticked off with himself for going wrong in his jive

TICKED. OFF

(*irritatedly taps golf club into his own leg so hard it reveals his wiring*)

Safety Sex-Faces?

YAY!
WOO
YIPPIE!

AHOY! This means that our first couple in the bottom 2 is

Oops

these two. Russell spontaneously runs up then down the stairs, as a mirror-universe reference to last week, then punches Tess in the face. (Not really, he’s fine.) Tess asks Bruno is he is shocked, rest assured

SHOCKED!

BRUNO IS SHOCKED! But also, this is a dance competition (?!) so he is NOT SHOCKED, ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Such a turmoil it is, being Bruno.

To Claud 9, briefly earthed for one week, where Claudia is with the safe couples and of course, as a drama whore, she’s all over Poor Anita

ATTACK!

like a tick on a dirty dog. She wants to LOOK AT HER FACE!

Neigh?

IT’S LIKE A PONY’S FACE! Anita protests that she can’t believe it! And she was called out first as well which obviously means…something (it means you were in the bottom 2 last week dear, keep up). She’d just like to thank everyone out there in TV Land for voting for LITTLE OLD HER for just one more week! Claudia then turns to Robbie and asks him what it was like opening the show on the BIGGEST STRICTLY EVER! Robbie tears up, saying it was better than any of his footballing achievements

REDEMPTION!

(wouldn’t be hard). He then starts weeping on about how he used to be one of the most hated footballers IN THE WORLD, but now the public love him or whatever. I don’t even follow football outside of that moderately fit new Chelsea manager and I know he’d barely scrape the top 1000. Finally Alex is asked if she was shocked that she was top of the leaderboard.

OMG!

She was. That, or James just told her how babies are made.

Next up :

CREEPCREEPCREEP!

Jessie J playing Grandmother’s Footsteps James Morrison whilst he tries to sing a song. It’s a right old racket and no mistake. You can tell it’s a performance piece because he isn’t turning around at this point going “JESUS, WHAT’S THAT NOISE?” and Jessie J isn’t pulling a face to indicate “it’s me drowning out your dry-as-dirt honking Morrison”. Anyway, they both

HELLO FLOOR!

perform right to the floor, which has probably got Karen in a right old tizz up in her starship. I’d actually probably actually listen in if she did commentary on the Results Shows. She and Ramps would have done this MUCH BETTER, FACT!

Did Claudia love it?

Meh

Of course she didn’t! Now it’s time for LEN’S WEMBLEY GLANS!

WIDDYGLANS

Yes, that Widdy-wig does make his head look especially wee-willy like doesn’t it. Alesha giggles “it’s a pink glans”. Yes dear, now give it a bonus point. Oh and it turns out that 6,500 people is officially

Oh, NOW he's shy.

the point where Bruno stops flapping his cock around to all and sundry.

First for dissection, it’s Craig’s part of the Queen Medley where he pretended to be Billy Connolly and got flung through the air :

Poor Unfortunate Craig

it’s like that bit at the end of The Little Mermaid when Ursula gets harpooned in the tits by a ship’s prow. In further “death of a cartoon character” news, it turns out that Billy Connolly

IT WAS MOYDER

came and murdered Bruno for getting his part of Bohemian Rhapsody wrong. So humourless that one. Hey Billy Connolly, how many hours did it take you to stuff Anita into her cat-box to transport her to Wembley?

THREE!

THAT’S RIGHT!

As if this wasn’t enough of Luvvie’s Corner here’s Len and Craig caught in a private moment when they didn’t know they were being filmed.

Intimate. Special. Intense.

Personally I expected more nudity.

What? The couples? Pfft. Here’s Robbie

(*fart*)

pooping out a giant Ola mid-dance. Whatever, it’s not fireworks Robbie, I’m not impressed. I don’t even care if it WAS your teabagging revenge for Ultimate Cunniliftus. Len says that if Ola had had a croissant on her head he’d have been in trouble. No arguing with that. Might have been a nice surprise for his wife later though. Next Alesha, as she HAS BEEN, NOT HERE, WEMBLEY, BUT HERE, STRICTLY IN GENERAL AND DONE THIS, THIS BEING THE JIVE, gamely tries to pretend that, no, really, it definitely could have been amazing! Honest! Let’s skip over this, I love Alesha too much to watch her prop this edifice up.

Next up, we watch Harry do a flip-splits that

Whee

I’d forgotten was even in the routine. Turns out that routine contained so many hidden delights that got lost amidst the general boredom. Claudia asks Craig if he regrets giving him an 8 given that amazing lift, and Craig says no, because he didn’t really do a back-step. I wish Claudia would ask Len why he didn’t knock a mark off for the illegal lift, given that you’re not allowed to do them in the samba (LOL).

Right, that’s enough of the couples, here’s

Oh
Bruno

Bruno acting like a good during the Queen Medley. As usual we end, for no real reason

*shrug*

with Russell. I hope next week’s Len’s Glans ends with a slow-motion shot of him sat on his sofa munching a Pot Noodle and crying.

More Safety Sex Faces?

Yay!
Mmmf

Getting thin on the ground aren’t they? Anyway, this leaves Jason, because he made a mistake and we’re trying to ramp the dramas up, and Holly

Tee hee

who is obviously in the bottom two, and knows it, and finds it hilarious. This is why she’s my favourite personality of the series (at least since Nancy left, neva4get). Just for contrast, this is what Jason & Kristina are doing at exactly the same point.

*bong*

Never change Holly, never change.

Oh noe...

I’d say the same to Jason but

Beyond change.

I don’t think he really can. Tess reminds Alesha that we started the series with FOURTEEN CUPPLES and next week we will have ONLY SEVEN!

IS THAT CLEAR?

Thanks Tess. Now add Brian Fortuna & Ali Bastian, divide by the square root of HAYLEY HOLT and the NUMBER YOU WERE FIRST THINKING OF IS VORDERUMBA! AM I RIGHT? Alesha replies that Holly 100% deserves her place in the competition, if that’s the question Tess was asking.

Next up,

The Divots.

IL DIVOT! They’re singing “It’s Time To Say Goodbye”, and all I will say about this performance is that it makes me wish whole-heartedly that they’d reprised it as Russell’s goodbye music, complete with cannon again, and

*flutter flutter*

leaf-fall. Would have made that whole silly stunt worthwhile. (Yes, I said stunt).

Speaking of which, here’s Russell now,

*glug glug glug*

craning in to drink in every last drop of his last interview with Claudia. Well, at least he didn’t start dry-humping her like he did Zoe. And that “dry” is a charity for your minds at home, ladies and gentlemen. He says that he’s not shocked, and he’s happy he’s got to Wembley, because that was always his goal (he’s just decided now…). He thought he’d be gone by October-ish, which is oddly unspecific given that the first elimination took place on the 8th.

Claudia then turns to Holly and asks her if she had an inkling this might happen. Holly said that she

I had an idea...

totally did. It was when she looked in the mirror and saw they’d styled her as a stone-age prostitute with a Guylian sea-shell on its head and Chewbacca’s ringlets. Fortunately the stylists live to molest Holly another day as

Oh noes...

it’s Russell leaving us.

(Incidentally, those little clips of the bottom that I edit out because they’re nothing but boring gush were preceded with “here’s what we love about them”. But then it featured Holly saying she loved dancing and Artem and the competition and the dresses and everything. Where was her riding round in her helicopter smoking a fag and throwing eggs at poor people? Inquiring Monkseals want to know).

Over to Tess they go, and Tess congratulates them on getting a standing ovation every single week that they danced. And this week as well. Russell then gives the goodbye speech you’d expect, thanking the public, the judges, and most of all, the fantastic partner he’s had “in Flavia Cacace” before standing back and

The FULL ARTEM!

giving her the full Artem. Wait…”in Flavia Cacace”. Oh poor Flavia. Jimi wasn’t taking night classes in Spanish after all. 😦

Last dance?

LAST DANCE!

Last dance.

IMPROMPTU STRICTLY COMEDY CONTESTANT RANKING!

1. Julian Clary
2. Nancy Dell’Olio
3. Kate Garraway (Post Elimination Edition)
4. Russell Grant
5. Peter Schmeichal’s Latin
6. Dennis Taylor
7. John Sergeant
8. Chris Parker
9. Ricky Groves
10. The Widdinator

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27 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 8 Results

  1. Justice Bellingham

    I think Robbie could be next to go. Anita might get bumped by having Robin injured and rent a pro Brenda with her this weekend. Quite enjoying seeing him in it every week, even after being eliminated. So happy they’re not wheeling Anton out as a sub.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I think it’ll be a girl, to balance out the sexes. Only time we’ve not had a gender balanced top 6 that I can remember was the ritualistic VAGINA SLAUGHTER of Series 3.

      Reply
  2. Verns

    “Now add Brian Fortuna & Ali Bastian, divide by the square root of HAYLEY HOLT and the NUMBER YOU WERE FIRST THINKING OF IS VORDERUMBA! AM I RIGHT?” at which point I snorted hot chocolate, drinking chocolate over the keyboard.

    Reply
  3. Stormy

    I’m torn. Robbie is improving (in general) so I don’t want him to go just yet, but I also happen to like Brenda, (well, I like him now anyway) so I don’t want Anita to go on his watch. I pray that it will be Jason, as his face is the stuff of nightmares, but I doubt it will be since both the audience and the judges apparently adore him. And it certainly won’t be Harry, Alex or Chelsee, since they can actually dance…mostly. (God, this is a crap lineup this year, talent-wise, isn’t it?)

    I…guess I’ll vote Robbie. It’s not who I want, but it is who I think will go.

    Reply
  4. Monaogg

    Holly & Artem’s last two faces with Jason beat Harry & Aliona’s sex faces hands down. Harry looked like he didn’t hear or is totally bored of the whole thing. 😀

    Whereas I am sure Robbie’s nose has has grown significantly over the series whilst his teeth look like they are trying to escape.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      It was a moment of mild shock, before he went into his usual Tim Henman minor face-scrunching soft-fist-pumping.

      Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I sacrificed a better one of Robin because Anita was blurry in it, and really it’s all about the celebrities.

      Reply
  5. Kate kingsley

    Peter Schmeichal’s Latin for the comedy top-spot! ‘one, two, three, shake you body down (then amble away from the judge’s desk like my gran on her way to the post office)’.
    Robin’s safety sex face gave me the proper skeeves.

    Reply
  6. Carl

    The Len’s Lens photo looks like a Jon Pertwee character gone wrong. Or Gargamel from the Smurfs after getting a hair transplant.

    Ola, Robin, and Alex all seem to be communicating with each other in their own special sex faces language.

    The Johnny Robinson comment is hilarious.

    I didn’t know Il Divo were still around.

    Reply
  7. Dancing cake

    I loved Artem mouthing “don’t laugh, for fuck’s sake!” through a stage ructus grin to Holly when she was cracking up at being in the bottom two. Actually watching it again, she was doing it BEFORE she found it she was in the bottom two – so was she sniggering at Jason being in the B2? That would make me laugh too.

    Thanks as always Monseal. This recap and the one for the main show made Wembley Week much better than it actually was.

    Poor Wembnelia.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I think she must have realised that she was in the Bottom 2 when it was her and Jason left standing. I know Jason’s vote isn’t entirely visible, but you have to think he’s going to outlast Holly, even before this Bottom 2 appearance. (I mean obviously you don’t have to but…

      Reply
  8. Jen

    OK, those Minis are modern BMW Minis. Not original 60s Minis.
    Bugs the hell out of me. More than the fact that the dances weren’t even dances! Just running around a lot.

    BAD bad BAD people at the BBC. The wrong Minis!!!!! But if Dan Lobb is a celebrity then maybe A BMW Mini is…… NOOOOOOOOOO!

    Reply

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