Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 7 Performance Summary

What’s the theme this week I hear you cry? Well…mostly it is wishing Len would bugger off, because he is in rare form. Screaming, swearing, constantly getting into fights with Craig like that’s all he’s paid to do, isolating ballroom dances for their footwork and ignoring poor Latin technique, acting like every SPORTSMANs own personal Fairy Godmother…the list stretches off into the distance. As themes go though, it’s still better than “Broadway Week”.

Because Len’s back it is of course time for the week’s Len vs Aliona bitch-off. This week it focuses in on the level of passion and SWEATY PAMPERS Harry is able to put into his Argentine Tango. Strictly speaking of course this is Len vs Harry, but Harry is so beatifically floating above this entire series that it ends up somehow being vs Aliona via proxy. He’s probably just dreaming of McFlea who are in his VT again, and in the audience again. They must be pissed off that Dougie’s gone into “I’m A Hasbeen – Please Look At Me” because now they’re both going to be stuck there in the audience, every week with no time off. Also at the top of the leaderboard are Chelsee & Pasha whose subtext is made VIOLENTLY text by a VT in which they just re-enact My Fair Lady, complete with Russian Henry Higgins and Pie & Mash. They do a nice enough foxtrot that is somewhat marred by the 50th wardrobe malfunction of the series, and Chelsee’s third in a row. Trip-trapping close behind is Jason, whose Viennese Waltz features arms that PLUNGE up and down like a rollercoaster ride. Craig doesn’t like it, and Kristina comes as close to murder as I’ve seen any pro get live on the show. Everyone else likes it though, which buoys it up.

In the middle of the table? The worst VT of the week and the best. Holly merges Artem injury born with her best spoilt, bored, disinterested acting and Brendan in a cheap Crusader Hallowe’en outfit to great effect, whilst Robbie pretends to be 11 and has Angel Ola spit fluid all over him in very first heave of his “GET ME TO WEMBLEY!” offensive. It’s been a while coming, but the firt retch is a violent one. Their dances? Holly fortunately does not do a Michelle Williams, and dances if anything even better with her new partner (BRENDA COLE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!) and the rumba, which was always going to suit her. All topped off with the least succesful cover-up of a wardrobe malfunction in Strictly history as she flashes her knickers to camera. Robbie meanwhile almost drops Ola about 10 times and dances like he’s powered by low-ebb batteries. It’s an American Smooth. Nominally. Also in mid-table are Alex Jones, reprising Dummy-Dance but as a jive (which is…an idea) and Anita, performing a foot-fetishists Argentine Tango.

Wedged at the bottom? As usual it’s Audley and Russell both on very different trajectories. Audley’s cha-cha is a limp and obvious good-bye, whilst Russell’s American Smooth is a culmination of everything he’s done so far, running around to “I Am What I Am” complete with overdone wardrobe change. It’s not drag, but it is, surely, his final “I’m Here, I’m Queer, Get Used To It” routine. We shall see where he goes from here.

Oh and there’s a really awful “Bruce At Wembley VT” but we’ll save that for the recap. And also possibly just skip over it there.

So Audley’s going home then. But which lovely lady is joining him in the bottom two? Anita? Alex? The outside chance of Holly? We will find out tomorrow, if Len doesn’t kill Aliona/Kristina doesn’t kill Craig/the Comedy VTs don’t kill me first.

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37 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 7 Performance Summary

  1. Poppy

    Where’s Russell going next? To Wemberley of course!

    I missed Chelsee’s 93rd wardrobe malfunction, what was it?

    Maybe Len calling Craig “You little sod,” on Primetime will persuade someone/anyone to get rid of him. Please.

    Reply
  2. Dee

    Chelsee is my favourite this year (thanks in no small part to Pasha) but their vts about her being a sophisticated laydee now as opposed to the tacky northern bird she once was are just painful. Everything Tess and Bruce say to her is cringy- it usually is when they talk but that was the only part I was actually paying attention to.

    Colour me shocked at quite liking Holly and Brendan together. I’m almost hoping Artem decides bossing the pair of them around without having to dance with Holly is the way forward.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I like Chelsee but this “BECOMING A LADY” contrivo-bollocks is the only way someone of her level of fame is getting on the show these days. They obviously had this storyline in mind for her from the start, and it’s only going to get worse.

      Reply
      1. min

        But the storyline isn’t even just her own. All she gets is a rehash of a Holly VT from a couple of weeks ago but with cake.

    2. Megan

      @chelseehealey
      chelsee healey
      People need to get over how I speak! 😦

      Probably not entirely related to the show (oh hai twitter idiots) but bless. She should speak out against those silly VTs.

      Reply
  3. Left Feet

    Len is a git week perhaps, I have agreed with him before about past Harry/Aliona dances but I did think this one was good by this series standards. At least Aliona takes it well (cough cough Kristina!) Bit tried of Russell there was a bit of a build up about this dance only for a yellow costume big deal.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I thought it was a big mis-step to have the boards there the whole dance so everyone was anticipating a big finish and instead we got a sparkly jacket. Was a bit of a damp squib.

      Reply
  4. mazylou

    I wish to GOD they would cut the stupid “comedy” VTs and go back to actually seeing them dance around a studio. It’s worked every series before, why can’t it now? Len’s antipathy towards Aliona would probably be workplace bullying elsewhere, he’s gone beyond a joke. Great summarising, as always.

    And Anita is a shoo-in for the Gloria Swanson story after that.

    Reply
  5. perdiedumpling

    The first retch is the deepest?

    Wardrobe really needs a talking to, what with all these malfunctions. Threaten to take away their hot glue gun so they have sew the bling on instead, or something.

    Len’s a prick of the first order. How he ever managed to score the toothiest AT ever higher than Harry’s good, if not terribly exciting version is beyond me.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Len has never gone below an 8 for an AT, even Tiny Tina’s. Even MATT DAWSON’S. This makes Harry’s the worst ever Argentine Tango on the show in his opinion (or more accurately, the joint 6th worst).

      Reply
  6. Carl

    The VTs continue to have a very seamy side, like this is a safe excerpt of someone’s dirty home movie. Is this perversion or just bad production values? I never needed to see James Jordan with spit and snot on his face or James Jordan getting sick…and the Anita VT was, again, a little unsettling, as many of hers seem to be.

    Didn’t you think it was nice of Lulu to join Alex and James for their dance? She continued to steal the show with James in the Tesspit. What a good sport she is.

    Every time I saw Tess I wanted them to play “Let’s Knock Knees.”

    All the furore over Alesha and Bruno giving Harry a 10, when they score everything else so high that they have nowhere to go. I’m starting to think we’re going to end up with a final of Robbie, Alex, and Russell. Robbie and Alex are both like kids to James and Ola – Alex is silly and Robbie is pouty. I’d much rather have Alex.

    This was probably the first time I almost felt like Harry was getting into the mood of a dance. He’s still not very good, but I have to compare this to Mr. Donovan, who has been an entertainer for 30 years, each week looks more like a half-drunk audience member with some dance experience who was shoved onto the floor with a woman who stepped on his foot several minutes before taping. There is no showbiz in him, no joy. I’m starting to think their showdance will be garroting the judges.

    Anita was trying just a little too hard, which spoilt the mystery.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Robin’s impersonation of Brian May was one of the eeriest things I’ve ever seen. I’m also struggling to think of a time when Anita wasn’t trying too hard, in every aspect of the show. Bless her, she’s a gusher.

      Reply
  7. Stormy

    It’s doing my head in that Craig’s now the less-bitchy judge. That’s just not supposed to happen without risking a hole in the space-time continuum! It’s almost like someone peed in Len’s pickled walnuts all during his break from the show.

    Reply
    1. Stormy

      Though, I do have to add: Kudos to Bobby for following Ian Waite’s instructions about finishing his moves. Or, kudos to Ola for listening and thinking to teach that to him. Whichever.

      Reply
  8. Monaogg

    Height aside, why didn’t Audley get some decent Cuban heels rather than golf shoes with the spikes taken off? Would have sorted his flat footedness easily. :wacko:

    Reply
  9. AWench

    As usual, love the references. Trouble is now, with Jason trip-trapping along, I keep seeing him as one of the Billy Goats Gruff. Thanks for that!

    Reply
  10. Catherine

    “It was FILTH and I LOVED IT” is my favourite quote of the series so far.

    There is really no reason for Len to be such a douche. No one on earth thinks that Anita’s AT was better than Harry’s, so it makes Len look pissy and immature. I vote for the next person voted off to be Len. (And also Audley. Because he is terrible.)

    I wasn’t sure I understood your last paragraph? Are there two people being voted off tonight?

    Reply
    1. Poppy

      There’s two people in the bottom two. Monkseal’s assuming that one of them will be Audley and that Audley will be the one who goes home. That sounds likely to me, since his dance was exceptionally uninspired, and he’s been bottom two 3 times now. But someone else needs to join him in the bottom two, and Monkseal was speculating on whether it would be Anita there, or Alex, or rather less possibly Holly.

      Personally I wouldn’t mind if Anita went, because I can’t enjoy her dancing for some reason. She seems like a genuine and lovely person, and is obviously enjoying it hugely, so I feel bad for saying it, but I don’t connect with her dancing.

      Reply
      1. monkseal Post author

        I edited it after that comment – it made less sense to begin with. I was trying to summarise and put up with X Factor at the same time, always a mistake.

    1. Verns

      I was thrilled to see that Tess has turned again to the Quality Street designer who dressed her as a toffee last series, and this time round a hazelnut noisette. *adds to Christmas shopping list*

      Reply
  11. Megan

    I did love Tess’ outfit this week. I’ve sucummbed, and just enjoy the wackiness. Russell has probably reached the zenith of camp-oriented dances now, surely. Was disappointed they didn’t go full drag!

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Really it was never conceivable that they’d get a full drag transformation done in the time allowed, even having done the eyes already. Still didn’t stop me hoping.

      Reply
      1. Poppy

        I was hoping too. You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be just a huge gold sparkly suit. Shucks.

  12. tal27

    It has taken me two days to stop laughing at Jason’s dance – the most unintentionally funny dance I have seen in years. Like a tour of nausea – he started a little bilious as he ran up to her asking for a Rennies, then turned gassy as he swung around like a windmill through the main body, punctuated with some belches and ended up with him clutching on to Kristina in their end standing spin like he was going to vomit all over her, (or let her go spinning off into the audience – I am not sure she realises how close she came to ending up in someone’s lap). Each week his “wooby” voice gets worse in the Tessanine, and Kristina’s look of desperation gets more feral. Almost amusing. Plus, Bruno’s last minute change to a 9 from an 8 – why?? Craig summed him up perfectly on ITT as the person on the show with the least natural talent, but the most determination.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I think Bruno probably mashes at his voting pad in the most haphazard fashion of all the judges. The scoring errors always seem to involve him.

      Reply

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