What’s the theme this week I hear you cry? Well…mostly it is wishing Len would bugger off, because he is in rare form. Screaming, swearing, constantly getting into fights with Craig like that’s all he’s paid to do, isolating ballroom dances for their footwork and ignoring poor Latin technique, acting like every SPORTSMANs own personal Fairy Godmother…the list stretches off into the distance. As themes go though, it’s still better than “Broadway Week”.
Because Len’s back it is of course time for the week’s Len vs Aliona bitch-off. This week it focuses in on the level of passion and SWEATY PAMPERS Harry is able to put into his Argentine Tango. Strictly speaking of course this is Len vs Harry, but Harry is so beatifically floating above this entire series that it ends up somehow being vs Aliona via proxy. He’s probably just dreaming of McFlea who are in his VT again, and in the audience again. They must be pissed off that Dougie’s gone into “I’m A Hasbeen – Please Look At Me” because now they’re both going to be stuck there in the audience, every week with no time off. Also at the top of the leaderboard are Chelsee & Pasha whose subtext is made VIOLENTLY text by a VT in which they just re-enact My Fair Lady, complete with Russian Henry Higgins and Pie & Mash. They do a nice enough foxtrot that is somewhat marred by the 50th wardrobe malfunction of the series, and Chelsee’s third in a row. Trip-trapping close behind is Jason, whose Viennese Waltz features arms that PLUNGE up and down like a rollercoaster ride. Craig doesn’t like it, and Kristina comes as close to murder as I’ve seen any pro get live on the show. Everyone else likes it though, which buoys it up.
In the middle of the table? The worst VT of the week and the best. Holly merges Artem injury born with her best spoilt, bored, disinterested acting and Brendan in a cheap Crusader Hallowe’en outfit to great effect, whilst Robbie pretends to be 11 and has Angel Ola spit fluid all over him in very first heave of his “GET ME TO WEMBLEY!” offensive. It’s been a while coming, but the firt retch is a violent one. Their dances? Holly fortunately does not do a Michelle Williams, and dances if anything even better with her new partner (BRENDA COLE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!) and the rumba, which was always going to suit her. All topped off with the least succesful cover-up of a wardrobe malfunction in Strictly history as she flashes her knickers to camera. Robbie meanwhile almost drops Ola about 10 times and dances like he’s powered by low-ebb batteries. It’s an American Smooth. Nominally. Also in mid-table are Alex Jones, reprising Dummy-Dance but as a jive (which is…an idea) and Anita, performing a foot-fetishists Argentine Tango.
Wedged at the bottom? As usual it’s Audley and Russell both on very different trajectories. Audley’s cha-cha is a limp and obvious good-bye, whilst Russell’s American Smooth is a culmination of everything he’s done so far, running around to “I Am What I Am” complete with overdone wardrobe change. It’s not drag, but it is, surely, his final “I’m Here, I’m Queer, Get Used To It” routine. We shall see where he goes from here.
Oh and there’s a really awful “Bruce At Wembley VT” but we’ll save that for the recap. And also possibly just skip over it there.
So Audley’s going home then. But which lovely lady is joining him in the bottom two? Anita? Alex? The outside chance of Holly? We will find out tomorrow, if Len doesn’t kill Aliona/Kristina doesn’t kill Craig/the Comedy VTs don’t kill me first.