We open on the perennial question about which we all wonder every day. Who run the world?
Katya. (And let’s face it, she’s got plenty of time these days). As for the other question – Who Ruin The Show? – the answer is of course, whoever choreographed this mess. If I wanted to see sights like this
of a Sunday evening there’s phone-booths all round London that could satisfy my needs. The Pro ladies (minus Erin & Natalie because…could you IMAGINE?) all roll round flashing their girdles and doing stripper hair and
I dunno, making a giant pentacle to summon Dance Satan. I don’t want to be starting anything gender-stereotypes wise, but if girls really DO run the Strictly World then the DIY’s gone to pot because the set’s wobbling around like Miss Diane accidentally booked some inappropriate evening entertainment for the Crossroads Motel. This isn’t The Amazing Clarence and his Flea Orchestra! It’s really really REALLY bad, even by annual Strictly Strippathon Routines standards. I feel like checking on Flavia
about halfway through just to make sure she doesn’t want to speak to a trained therapist about her feelings. I’ve not seen her that upset since the special harness broke.
I hope Katya gets to choreograph next week as recompense for having to be front and centre for that nonsense. Those are not happy eyes.
On the other hand I feel this
should be soundtracked with this. Such a proud mother. Such an ugly baby.
It’s alright Flavia. Just show me with the doll what Aliona made you dance.
She Run The Results Show! A small empire, but she guards it fiercely. Tess reminds us that last night, all our celebrities danced their hearts out for our LOVE, as we reached the halfway stage of the competition. Only halfway and there’s still 10 of the bleeders. As always, it’s time to introduce
Alesha’s dinners and
Claudia’s ever wayward hair. I wonder if she and Tess deliberately matched their tops with star themes this week? Like they speak… Claudia tells us this evening is going to be an ENTERTAINMENT FEAST! WESTLIFE! A MALE PRO ROUTINE JUST AS THRILLING AS THE GIRLS ONE! AND, FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY, BRUCE FORSYTHE!!!!!
Literally the only part of that to excite me was the “for one night only” and you just know that’s a lie. Duet with Jason for the final? BANK ON IT.
Anyway, what did we learn from the recap this week?
a) the power has gone
ALL THE WAY TO CRAIG’S HEAD AND OUT THROUGH THE TOP OF HIS HAIR.
b) it’s a good job Bloody Lulu went out this week because
Brenda was on the verge of staging his own elimination, if you catch my drift.
c) Audley was so pleased to get his highest score to date that he punched out a camera-man.
d) Harry doesn’t feel like a sexy person. He also thinks McFlea are alright, and Aliona’s hair is a bit red.
will haunt my nightmares worse than the bunnies from Inland Empire did.
f) Jason thinks his rumba was quite fun
g) Alex finds it as hilarious that she “fell over, live on the television!” as you’d expect her to
h) Craig thinks it was a shame Robbie was so stiff of face. And yet Bloody Lulu…
i) “You don’t smile with somebody if you’re not in love with them any more”
Catullus, or Robbie Savage? You decide.
j) Russell thinks that how his dance must have replicated how it felt in the middle of a bullfight. I am willing to help him test that theory. (NOT REALLY RUSSELL, LOVE YOU!) (Ish.)
k) Chelsee will not stop smiling until Pasha tells her. She also has to hold the conch to talk, clap her hands three times before asking a question, and do the teapot dance when she needs a wee-wee.
l) They apparently aren’t doing an ARTEM INJURY PORN WOOBIE MONTAGE this year. What a SWIZZ.
Safety Sex Faces?
Alright! This means that our first couple in the Bottom Two are :
They don’t exactly seem surprised, let’s put it that way. Who would be at this sta…
Tess asks Craig if he thinks it’s time for Audley to go home, given it’s his third time in the bottom 2? Craig says…yes? Eh? No Craig, NOBODY should go home, this is always the HARDEST BIT OF THE WEEK, WE LOVE EVERYBODY SO MUCH, THEY’RE ALL WORKING SO HARD etc etc! What sort of Head Judge ARE you? Anyway, Craig says that Audley has done very well, and improved, but it’s time for him to leave. God, do I hear more hilarious “Audley says knock Craig out!” segments in future? I think I do.
Tess then asks Jennifer if she’s enjoyed her time on the show and she says that
it’s been really hard, because her compassion is great. So great it prevented her from saying anything really useful at any point. Still, she’s really enjoyed her stay here on X Factor. GO FOR IT MISHA B! WIN THAT GLITTERY GRUB!
Up on Claud 9
everything is drowned out by the sounds of Artem screaming on the inside. Even Harry’s nipples which
for all he’s suddenly trying to muffle them, are attempting to leap for freedom out of his top “Free Willy” style. Claudia asks Anita if she’s secretly 14 years old. Anita replies that LOL, NO, SHE WISHES SHE WERE, BUT IS ACTUALLY 62, AND NOT DEAD YET!
Technically speaking anyway. Claudia and Russell clap their hands over his in no way slightly over the top response to being saved, and he says he wasn’t worried at all about being bottom of the leaderboard because he knew that the Great British Public would sav…make the right decision and choose whoever entertained them most and that was him, but it might not have been, he’s ever humble.
Claudia’s question to Artem begins “I know you’re in terrible pain but…”.
Oh how I’ve missed this. Holly praises Artem for helping her through the dance and performing like a consummate professional, despite his SEARING PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PAIN. UNTOLD AGONY, FIRE SHOOTING THROUGH EVERY LIMB AND PARALYSING HIS BRAIN’S THOUGHT CENTRES, TURNING HIM INTO A BARELY SENSATE BEING OF PURE AGONY, JUST DESPERATE FOR THE PAIN TO STOP. Speaking of which
Artem actually starts beating his leg with his hand to introduce them rather than clapping. This people, is truly self-harm to distract oneself from the agony of existing emotionally in the world at this particular moment. What say you Dr Hammy?
IT MEANS HE WANTS TO BUM THE GAY ONE!
Thanks Dr Hamela.
Westlife sing “Flying Without Wings”. Mark apparently now thinks he’s BARROWMAN, such are the levels of Chewbacca hollering going on.
Who’s the fit one now? Is it Kian? What a sorry state of affairs.
Back to Claud 9 and Claudia’s
“I really enjoyed that musical performance and/or product” face. Which also means it’s time for…
JEN’S GLANS! I’m with David Walliams. We open on watching Anita’s crepey back skin moving up and down, showing off her spine, in slow-motion. Truly what Sunday nights were MADE FOR. Next up?
We watch Bloody Lulu suck up to Jennifer Grey IN FINE DETAIL. The little look of desperation in the eye, the genuflection of the forehead, the smile more forced that Jason’s hip action…this is actually a worthwhile use of the segment for once.
Next up, Bruno and Jennifer perve over Harry some more. Great. This is followed by Alesha saying that she can really identify with Anita.
Yes, the similarities are endless. Alesha explains that she feels a kinship with Anita, because they were both drawn to the competition by a pure and true love of dance. And also because they both didn’t really have anything else to do. Also, I’m guessing Anita’s motivation wasn’t also driven by catching Billy Connolly shagging Javine up the arse. Probably.
Hell of a DOOF DOOF though…
Next up, we watching a segment of Chelsee and Pasha to demonstrate their synchronicity that begins with them hopelessly out of time with one another. Hooray! Bruno praises her for dancing on the off beat, and Alesha calls her a “raw talent” about 50 times. Yes show, we get her storyline, it was obvious from “SINGLE AND LOOKING FOR A DINGLE!”, let’s get on with it. Ahem. Here’s
Alex & James falling over in slow motion. You knew it was coming. Looking at it, I hope Ola isn’t hoping for any mini-Olas any time soon.
Next, it’s time for a TREAT! As we all know, Artem is mortally wounded this week, so here’s a shot of a single tear falling down his cheek in slow mot…
no? It’s just Bruce doing his velociraptor mating dance at Holly now she’s unguarded? RUN HOLLY RUN! Bruno tries to get Craig to agree that Bruce is very funky. Craig just smirks.
Obligatory Russell face to end?
You know it. Guess what’s next?
You guessed it, it’s the annual Bruce Parade! Think of it like that bit at the Oscars commemorating who just died. He’s singing “Young And Foolish” off his new album “It’s Not Like It Was In The Old Days”. Later potential singles releases include “Gravy Stockings”, “Kissing an ARP Warden”, and his very special cover of “Edge Of Glory” by Lady Gaga. That paso from Pamela…it changed him. Halfway through
Erin runs on, like a streaker at the FA Cup final, with an entire week’s supply of wigs on her head. Either that or she was surprised in the middle of enjoying a Pot Noodle. Even that doesn’t really make it better. Eventually, it ends. Making way for more…SAFETY SEX FACES!
Really, after Anita, everything was going to pale in comparison wasn’t it? This means that it’s between Team Blue Loo and Team Jizztina as to who else in the Bottom Two. Surprise surprise, it’s
Bloody Lulu! You can practically see the strain to act like a likable human being just DISSOLVE AWAY can’t you? Anyway, Tess asks Bruno to explain this SHOCKING
SHOCKING STATE OF AFFAIRS! Bruno cannot! It is un-natural! Lulu in the Bottom Two! This must be the mid-series Shock Boot we are obliged to have, because Lord knows it’s apparently not coming from anywhere else any time soon! Bruno gives it some about how she’s inconsistant, like any of them have criticised anything she’s done since Week 1.
Up on Claud 9, Russell and Anita hold hands,
mourning their fallen Mean Girl sister. If only Bloody Lulu had been eliminated via a giant yellow school bus running into her (AND NOT DYING, SHE DIDN’T DIE IN THE FILM, STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!). Anyway, it’s time for a very special boys pro-routine featuring, fresh from So You Think You Can Dance, for one night only…
PASHA’S ARSE! I mean…
MATTFLINTMANIA! Followers of my many side-ventures will know I recapped his series of SYTYCD UK and was…not the biggest fan, although I always adored him choreographically…up until this. Here, watch him in something genuinely good, rather than this rubbish, which is mostly everyone
waggling their dicks around out of sync with one another and
whatever Robin thinks this is accomplishing. I’ll wait. Go on. (Jess wuzz robbed!) (A little!)
It’s up to Claud 9,
with this week’s losers, Audley and Bloody Lulu. Claudia says that Audley must be really annoyed to be in the Bottom Two for the third time. Fortunately Audley does not punch Claudia, and just says that he feels like Beyonce, in that he’s a survivor, he will survive and also keep on surviving. I almost hope he manages to eke out one more survival beyond this one, because then he would officially be the ALL TOP GREATEST BOTTOM 2 GODDESS IN STRICTLY HISTORY.
God, but I feel the demon rising in Bloody Lulu don’t you? Let’s hear what she’s got to say.
She’s not shocked she’s in the Bottom Two, she’s been expecting it every week because that bloody Brenda’s so awful and also far too tall. What were you thinking Claudia? Were you trying to sabotage her? Well she’s better than this stupid piece of shit show anyway because she’s shagged David Bowie so THERE.
Some of that may have been subtextual. Audley
wills clapping to be added to the edit later to mask the awful hideous silence WITH HIS MIND. Thanks Audley.
Apparently he also willed her to be eliminated
FOR WHICH EVEN MORE THANKS AUDLEY. Natalie sobs with relief like a drowning cat, and Tess calls over Bloody Lulu to patronising her with a
“nobody saw it coming”. Oh Tess, 18% of Monkseal readers did, and that was before she did that crappy tango. Lulu & Brenda both give
speeches about how fabulous everyone has been on Strictly this year. Bruce, Tess, the judges, Jennifer Grey, Claudia, Zoe and the whole It Takes Two team, Davearch, the Man In The Hat, emogirl82, the camera people, the make-up artists, the costumers, the caterers, the band, poor dead Whatsisname the researcher that Tess murdered whose corpse still haunts the orchestra pit…everyone apart from one another. Well…Brenda does, but at the end, half-heartedly. They can’t even squeeze out eye-contact for one another after weeks of shrieking about how much FUN THEY’RE HAVING TOGETHER HA HA HA HA, NO, NOT LIKE THAT, SHE DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, SHE WANTED BRENDA REALLY HA HA HA WHAT IS SHE LIKE?
Their final dance consists of all the chemistry and co-operation of a man trying to stuff a cat into its box to take it to the vet.
Any more awkward way we could end this week’s procedings?
Oh great, Dr Hamela prayer-hands of gratitude. SEE YA!