Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 6 Results


We open on the perennial question about which we all wonder every day. Who run the world?




Katya. (And let’s face it, she’s got plenty of time these days). As for the other question – Who Ruin The Show? – the answer is of course, whoever choreographed this mess. If I wanted to see sights like this


of a Sunday evening there’s phone-booths all round London that could satisfy my needs. The Pro ladies (minus Erin & Natalie because…could you IMAGINE?) all roll round flashing their girdles and doing stripper hair and


I dunno, making a giant pentacle to summon Dance Satan. I don’t want to be starting anything gender-stereotypes wise, but if girls really DO run the Strictly World then the DIY’s gone to pot because the set’s wobbling around like Miss Diane accidentally booked some inappropriate evening entertainment for the Crossroads Motel. This isn’t The Amazing Clarence and his Flea Orchestra! It’s really really REALLY bad, even by annual Strictly Strippathon Routines standards. I feel like checking on Flavia

Help me!

about halfway through just to make sure she doesn’t want to speak to a trained therapist about her feelings. I’ve not seen her that upset since the special harness broke.




I hope Katya gets to choreograph next week as recompense for having to be front and centre for that nonsense. Those are not happy eyes.

On the other hand I feel this


should be soundtracked with this. Such a proud mother. Such an ugly baby.

Owie in my SOUL

It’s alright Flavia. Just show me with the doll what Aliona made you dance.

Here’s Tess!


She Run The Results Show! A small empire, but she guards it fiercely. Tess reminds us that last night, all our celebrities danced their hearts out for our LOVE, as we reached the halfway stage of the competition. Only halfway and there’s still 10 of the bleeders. As always, it’s time to introduce


Alesha’s dinners and

So wayward

Claudia’s ever wayward hair. I wonder if she and Tess deliberately matched their tops with star themes this week? Like they speak… Claudia tells us this evening is going to be an ENTERTAINMENT FEAST! WESTLIFE! A MALE PRO ROUTINE JUST AS THRILLING AS THE GIRLS ONE! AND, FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY, BRUCE FORSYTHE!!!!!

Literally the only part of that to excite me was the “for one night only” and you just know that’s a lie. Duet with Jason for the final? BANK ON IT.

Anyway, what did we learn from the recap this week?

a) the power has gone

tah dah


b) it’s a good job Bloody Lulu went out this week because

Such. Love

Brenda was on the verge of staging his own elimination, if you catch my drift.

c) Audley was so pleased to get his highest score to date that he punched out a camera-man.


Nobody’s safe.

d) Harry doesn’t feel like a sexy person. He also thinks McFlea are alright, and Aliona’s hair is a bit red.

e) This


will haunt my nightmares worse than the bunnies from Inland Empire did.

f) Jason thinks his rumba was quite fun

g) Alex finds it as hilarious that she “fell over, live on the television!” as you’d expect her to

h) Craig thinks it was a shame Robbie was so stiff of face. And yet Bloody Lulu…

i) “You don’t smile with somebody if you’re not in love with them any more”

So soulful

Catullus, or Robbie Savage? You decide.

j) Russell thinks that how his dance must have replicated how it felt in the middle of a bullfight. I am willing to help him test that theory. (NOT REALLY RUSSELL, LOVE YOU!) (Ish.)

k) Chelsee will not stop smiling until Pasha tells her. She also has to hold the conch to talk, clap her hands three times before asking a question, and do the teapot dance when she needs a wee-wee.

l) They apparently aren’t doing an ARTEM INJURY PORN WOOBIE MONTAGE this year. What a SWIZZ.

Safety Sex Faces?


Alright! This means that our first couple in the Bottom Two are :


They don’t exactly seem surprised, let’s put it that way. Who would be at this sta…

Tee hee

oh yeah.

Tess asks Craig if he thinks it’s time for Audley to go home, given it’s his third time in the bottom 2? Craig says…yes? Eh? No Craig, NOBODY should go home, this is always the HARDEST BIT OF THE WEEK, WE LOVE EVERYBODY SO MUCH, THEY’RE ALL WORKING SO HARD etc etc! What sort of Head Judge ARE you? Anyway, Craig says that Audley has done very well, and improved, but it’s time for him to leave. God, do I hear more hilarious “Audley says knock Craig out!” segments in future? I think I do.

Tess then asks Jennifer if she’s enjoyed her time on the show and she says that

The Mother Teresa of Strictly

it’s been really hard, because her compassion is great. So great it prevented her from saying anything really useful at any point. Still, she’s really enjoyed her stay here on X Factor. GO FOR IT MISHA B! WIN THAT GLITTERY GRUB!

Up on Claud 9


everything is drowned out by the sounds of Artem screaming on the inside. Even Harry’s nipples which


for all he’s suddenly trying to muffle them, are attempting to leap for freedom out of his top “Free Willy” style. Claudia asks Anita if she’s secretly 14 years old. Anita replies that LOL, NO, SHE WISHES SHE WERE, BUT IS ACTUALLY 62, AND NOT DEAD YET!

Sort of

Technically speaking anyway. Claudia and Russell clap their hands over his in no way slightly over the top response to being saved, and he says he wasn’t worried at all about being bottom of the leaderboard because he knew that the Great British Public would sav…make the right decision and choose whoever entertained them most and that was him, but it might not have been, he’s ever humble.

Claudia’s question to Artem begins “I know you’re in terrible pain but…”.

So much pain.

Oh how I’ve missed this. Holly praises Artem for helping her through the dance and performing like a consummate professional, despite his SEARING PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PAIN. UNTOLD AGONY, FIRE SHOOTING THROUGH EVERY LIMB AND PARALYSING HIS BRAIN’S THOUGHT CENTRES, TURNING HIM INTO A BARELY SENSATE BEING OF PURE AGONY, JUST DESPERATE FOR THE PAIN TO STOP. Speaking of which



Artem actually starts beating his leg with his hand to introduce them rather than clapping. This people, is truly self-harm to distract oneself from the agony of existing emotionally in the world at this particular moment. What say you Dr Hammy?



Thanks Dr Hamela.

Westlife sing “Flying Without Wings”. Mark apparently now thinks he’s BARROWMAN, such are the levels of Chewbacca hollering going on.


Who’s the fit one now? Is it Kian? What a sorry state of affairs.

Back to Claud 9 and Claudia’s


“I really enjoyed that musical performance and/or product” face. Which also means it’s time for…


JEN’S GLANS! I’m with David Walliams. We open on watching Anita’s crepey back skin moving up and down, showing off her spine, in slow-motion. Truly what Sunday nights were MADE FOR. Next up?


We watch Bloody Lulu suck up to Jennifer Grey IN FINE DETAIL. The little look of desperation in the eye, the genuflection of the forehead, the smile more forced that Jason’s hip action…this is actually a worthwhile use of the segment for once.

Next up, Bruno and Jennifer perve over Harry some more. Great. This is followed by Alesha saying that she can really identify with Anita.


Yes, the similarities are endless. Alesha explains that she feels a kinship with Anita, because they were both drawn to the competition by a pure and true love of dance. And also because they both didn’t really have anything else to do. Also, I’m guessing Anita’s motivation wasn’t also driven by catching Billy Connolly shagging Javine up the arse. Probably.

Hell of a DOOF DOOF though…

Next up, we watching a segment of Chelsee and Pasha to demonstrate their synchronicity that begins with them hopelessly out of time with one another. Hooray! Bruno praises her for dancing on the off beat, and Alesha calls her a “raw talent” about 50 times. Yes show, we get her storyline, it was obvious from “SINGLE AND LOOKING FOR A DINGLE!”, let’s get on with it. Ahem. Here’s


Alex & James falling over in slow motion. You knew it was coming. Looking at it, I hope Ola isn’t hoping for any mini-Olas any time soon.

Next, it’s time for a TREAT! As we all know, Artem is mortally wounded this week, so here’s a shot of a single tear falling down his cheek in slow mot…

Eeek eeek

no? It’s just Bruce doing his velociraptor mating dance at Holly now she’s unguarded? RUN HOLLY RUN! Bruno tries to get Craig to agree that Bruce is very funky. Craig just smirks.

Obligatory Russell face to end?

So obligatory

You know it. Guess what’s next?

You guessed it, it’s the annual Bruce Parade! Think of it like that bit at the Oscars commemorating who just died. He’s singing “Young And Foolish” off his new album “It’s Not Like It Was In The Old Days”. Later potential singles releases include “Gravy Stockings”, “Kissing an ARP Warden”, and his very special cover of “Edge Of Glory” by Lady Gaga. That paso from Pamela…it changed him. Halfway through


Erin runs on, like a streaker at the FA Cup final, with an entire week’s supply of wigs on her head. Either that or she was surprised in the middle of enjoying a Pot Noodle. Even that doesn’t really make it better. Eventually, it ends. Making way for more…SAFETY SEX FACES!


Really, after Anita, everything was going to pale in comparison wasn’t it? This means that it’s between Team Blue Loo and Team Jizztina as to who else in the Bottom Two. Surprise surprise, it’s


Bloody Lulu! You can practically see the strain to act like a likable human being just DISSOLVE AWAY can’t you? Anyway, Tess asks Bruno to explain this SHOCKING


SHOCKING STATE OF AFFAIRS! Bruno cannot! It is un-natural! Lulu in the Bottom Two! This must be the mid-series Shock Boot we are obliged to have, because Lord knows it’s apparently not coming from anywhere else any time soon! Bruno gives it some about how she’s inconsistant, like any of them have criticised anything she’s done since Week 1.

Up on Claud 9, Russell and Anita hold hands,


mourning their fallen Mean Girl sister. If only Bloody Lulu had been eliminated via a giant yellow school bus running into her (AND NOT DYING, SHE DIDN’T DIE IN THE FILM, STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!). Anyway, it’s time for a very special boys pro-routine featuring, fresh from So You Think You Can Dance, for one night only…



Oh. Him.

MATTFLINTMANIA! Followers of my many side-ventures will know I recapped his series of SYTYCD UK and was…not the biggest fan, although I always adored him choreographically…up until this. Here, watch him in something genuinely good, rather than this rubbish, which is mostly everyone

Waggle waggle waggle

waggling their dicks around out of sync with one another and


whatever Robin thinks this is accomplishing. I’ll wait. Go on. (Jess wuzz robbed!) (A little!)


It’s up to Claud 9,


with this week’s losers, Audley and Bloody Lulu. Claudia says that Audley must be really annoyed to be in the Bottom Two for the third time. Fortunately Audley does not punch Claudia, and just says that he feels like Beyonce, in that he’s a survivor, he will survive and also keep on surviving. I almost hope he manages to eke out one more survival beyond this one, because then he would officially be the ALL TOP GREATEST BOTTOM 2 GODDESS IN STRICTLY HISTORY.


God, but I feel the demon rising in Bloody Lulu don’t you? Let’s hear what she’s got to say.


She’s not shocked she’s in the Bottom Two, she’s been expecting it every week because that bloody Brenda’s so awful and also far too tall. What were you thinking Claudia? Were you trying to sabotage her? Well she’s better than this stupid piece of shit show anyway because she’s shagged David Bowie so THERE.

Some of that may have been subtextual. Audley


wills clapping to be added to the edit later to mask the awful hideous silence WITH HIS MIND. Thanks Audley.

Apparently he also willed her to be eliminated


FOR WHICH EVEN MORE THANKS AUDLEY. Natalie sobs with relief like a drowning cat, and Tess calls over Bloody Lulu to patronising her with a


“nobody saw it coming”. Oh Tess, 18% of Monkseal readers did, and that was before she did that crappy tango. Lulu & Brenda both give

Much love

speeches about how fabulous everyone has been on Strictly this year. Bruce, Tess, the judges, Jennifer Grey, Claudia, Zoe and the whole It Takes Two team, Davearch, the Man In The Hat, emogirl82, the camera people, the make-up artists, the costumers, the caterers, the band, poor dead Whatsisname the researcher that Tess murdered whose corpse still haunts the orchestra pit…everyone apart from one another. Well…Brenda does, but at the end, half-heartedly. They can’t even squeeze out eye-contact for one another after weeks of shrieking about how much FUN THEY’RE HAVING TOGETHER HA HA HA HA, NO, NOT LIKE THAT, SHE DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, SHE WANTED BRENDA REALLY HA HA HA WHAT IS SHE LIKE?

Their final dance consists of all the chemistry and co-operation of a man trying to stuff a cat into its box to take it to the vet.

Hiss! Scratch!

Any more awkward way we could end this week’s procedings?


Oh great, Dr Hamela prayer-hands of gratitude. SEE YA!


44 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 6 Results

  1. Catherine

    Someone should tell Alesha that if the bottom of the boobs are showing, yer doing it wrong.

    Pasha’s general sexiness in the boys’ dance made it all worth it to me.

    I am so happy for yoooou! Bloody Lulu out. Who do you want next? I think it has to be Audley.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I would quite like Robbie, just for the MEGALOLS of him falling one hurdle short of Wembley (aka the only reason he was cast in the first place) but Audley really does need putting out of his misery.

      1. Neio

        I’d love for Robbie to go out too, preferably before Wembley. Otherwise maybe he’ll do a Craig Kelly and get as far as the place he kept going on about AND NO FURTHER. Hopefully he’ll at least be in the bottom two this week. That’d give him something to whine about on Twitter.

      2. monkseal Post author

        To be fair, I’ve not heard him go on about Wembley as much as Craig twatted on about Blackpool. On the other hand I’m not following him on twitter.

      3. Cleo

        Hi monkseal, discovered this blog last year and have never commented but wanted to let you know I love your work. The screenshots of the pro female dance this week made me cry with laughter.

        I agree ^^ re Robbie, would love to see him go this week but I have a feeling he’s on a Goughy journey and will be around a while. Hope I’m wrong and it’s more a Craig Kelly. Audley should have gone weeks ago for his sake and ours, I’d rather watch BLulu than him. Well, maybe not…

      4. monkseal Post author

        Well hello.

        I’m kind of hoping Robbie’s journey peters out before it flowers into full Goughhood. Fingers crossed.

  2. sevenstories

    Brenda and Lulu’s interview on Monday was horrendously amazing – she just kept saying ‘You know what I’m like – I’m crazy!’ and Brenda didn’t smile once and just kept repeating lines about getting the job done and working hard. I have rarely seen a less convincing relationship – the pro normally manages to do a good job of pretending they love their partner.

    Re. Chelsee’s dress – I find it really unnerving when dresses have flesh coloured areas where someones nipples should be because they just look nipple-less and bizarre – put the flesh coloured part elsewhere costumers!

    So glad Lulu is gone and would quite like Audley to stay ahead of many of the other rather dull people – I always forget Robbie is there until he dances.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I am slightly in awe that they managed to keep the veneer up as long as they did. I never thought they got on, but the sudden dropping of the pretence almost justified her being cast in the first place.

  3. Ferny

    lol there’a some proper horror in Flavia’s eyes in that pro dance.

    I just stalked a few Twitter accounts and Camilla Dallerup called Lulu rude and her husband said she came across as a real bitch haha Bloody Lulu

    1. joanne

      i agree some of the “alleged” i add for legal reasons lol things she has said about brendan are totally uncalled for when in reality it was her that didnt know her right from her left and couldn’t stand up straight and probably bored the ass off of brendan constantly whining and sounding like a strangled cat and calling it singing πŸ™‚ im looking forward to seeing him dance with holly , not that she is a fantastic dancer herself but compared to lulu shes darcy bussell, and height wise it will probably look better , love me some artem but when in hold holly and he looked awful …..

  4. Carl

    That male pro dance just doesn’t get any better. I want to burn those trousers.

    There’s no real reason why they let Aliona’s dance get on the air, unless they wanted her to have a chance to indulge herself while Len wasn’t around. It was, as some have said, like Pan’s People.

    Harry’s nips stole the results show.

    Where is Robin’s hand when Anita is called safe?

    I still haven’t managed to see this last dance Lulu did which generated such talk. Is that the bit in your next to last cap? Or was there more? Poor Brendan looks like the goon in the old Popeye comic strips.

    I was wondering…which series have had the earliest “shocking eliminations”, and who holds the record for most bottom two appearances? I want to say Lisa Snowdon for the latter but I don’t know if the dance off years had the same rules.

    I know there were early exits for people like Spoony and Gabby Logan, but it seems like the last few years haven’t had as many. I guess there was Jimi, but the judges never seemed to like him, so that wasn’t a big shock. They treated Zoe Lucker as a big shock but I thought she was dull. Is this the series to go longest without any real surprise exit?

    1. Matt C

      I’d mentally pegged Holly as the designated Shockboot ™, since she’s competent and has potential but never *really* shined. But now she’s part of a Story I think she’ll last a bit longer provided she gets on with Brendan.

      I did wonder if Brendan’s demeanour on ITT may have been something to do with Holly – along the lines of “So that’s what I could have worked with… and I had Bloody Lulu instead?”

      1. Carl

        I think she’d staved off some of the chance of a shocker, and now with Brendan that’s another way out…I guess Harry is probably the likeliest candidate, although Anita is probably close, since she seems to be one of those people who is seen as being overmarked, and is liked, but not loved.

      2. monkseal Post author

        I wonder with the whole triangle thing if it’ll make them want to keep Holly, because it’s potentially a dramatic storyline or if they’ll throw her UNDER TEH BUS because it’s going to be logistically awkward for them. They’ve already got the ticking timebomb of Russell’s knee to worry about.

    2. trundles

      I agree with you about Jimi, Carl. They – the judges and Tess (although I grant that Tess seems contractually obliged to say she is shocked at any exit) – seemed more outraged about Tina and Jared the week before.

      As for the bottom two record I think you are right about that too… Audley is on three so far (Nancy left on her third). Last year, Felicity left on her third but Michelle made it through three times (with Ian for one of those) and left on her fourth visit. Series 7’s most bottom two-ers were Craig and Ricky (they left on their third visits). In series 6 you are right about Lisa – she survived four of them (if you count the semi-final phone votes unable to save Tom farce) and only left in the final. Heather also had four visits to the bottom two but she didn’t survive the fourth. In series 5, John (Barnes. With Nicole. No, me neither!) left on his fourth visit. In series 4 it was Emma who left on her fourth visit. In series 3, Will Thorp left on his fourth visit. In series 2, Denise and Julian both survived a bottom two place twice and then lost to Jill in the final. In series 1 Lesley made the most visits to the bottom two, leaving on her fourth sojourn. So “left on their fourth visit”: Michelle; Heather; John; Emma; Will; Lesley. Whereas Lisa survived four visits and then came third in the final (which is sort of an extra bottom two, do you think?).

      Audley is still in this game, of course. This demoralising “King of bottom two-ers survival” type game.

      1. Carl

        I didn’t know so many people had made it four times. I wonder if they have meetings or a newsletter.

        I’d forgotten they were upset about Tina and Jared. I actually liked Tina more than I’d expected, because I disliked her on Corrie, but between her partner, and the confusion over her being out for a week, and her partner, I wasn’t shocked.

      2. monkseal Post author

        I liked Tina fine, although all I remember about her was the pox and her constant Lucozade product placement.

      3. trundles

        Hmmm. I’ve had a further thought about the members of the bottom two fellowship. Of those who have the honour (?) of four visits some should (perhaps) be more revered than others. As an example, I reckon that Michelle could have been in the bottom two a possible ten times whereas, back in series 1, Lesley and Anton only had six opportunities to be there. So Michelle was in 40% of the bottom twos (that she could have been in) whereas Lesley was in 66%. Poor Lesley. I might be over thinking this.

      4. monkseal Post author

        But then Lesley’s opportunities to be Bottom 2 were greater than Michelle’s because she had fewer people to compete against. It’s all a delicate balance.

      5. monkseal Post author

        My favourite is seeing poor Will Thorp stuck in the middle of all those people like a sore thumb. So random, up and down the judges scores, nobody ever voting for him, better than most of the blokes in that very BLOKES series.

    3. monkseal Post author

      Lulu’s last dance was her doing bits of her cha-cha choreography and generally running around holding on to Brenda without actually looking at him or interacting with him in any meaningful way. Twas bizarre.

      I’d say Series 2 didn’t have any shock boots, with the possible exception of Aled. Every elimination was for a dance that was at the bottom of the leaderboard, or second-bottom, or the Vorderumba.

      1. Carl

        I’ve only seen a few dances from Wil Thorp’s series. They all seem to be gone now, aside from a grainy group salsa with the horrific sight of Anton Latin. He does seem out of place, but I like him more than his random Corrie appearances where he exists for no reason beyond flashing crazy eyes and taking off his top.

        Erin looks like a different person then.

      2. Poppy

        As I remember it (and I’m hoping to leave it as a nearly-forgotten hallucination) much of Lulu’s goodbye dance was spent boogeying on her own, completely ignoring Brendan who went off with his other pro chums instead.

  5. Jen

    Ha ha! Stuffing your cat in the cat-box! A cat emitting a particularly bad smell. A cat you secretly hate but your partner foisted on you. A mean, vicious, ugly cat. Like that….

  6. Stormy

    My feelings are all over the place with the celebs this year. I started out liking Bloody Lulu, but couldn’t stand her by the end. (Much like Brenda probably felt, I suppose.) I adored Russell at first, but now he’s really just starting to get on my nerves. He’s like a giant puppy. It’s cute at first, then you just want to get it to stop yapping constantly. Then there’s Chelsee, who at first I thought I’d hate, because I usually can’t stand the dumb bimbo types, but she does have a bit of sweetness to her that I really can’t bring myself to hate. Plus, she is a competent dancer, which helps. Of course, then there’s Jason, who I had previously watched as a panelist on Nevermind the Buzzcocks once. I thought he was funny and a fun guy, but his intensity in Strictly is rather unnerving, like he’s ready to do someone in if he doesn’t lift the glitterball in the end.

    As for who’s next, I say lets put poor Audley out of his misery. He’s like a slightly more talented, but infinitely more charismatic Joe Calzage…or however you spell that. Stop making the poor fellow shuffle around the floor embarrassing himself. Let him go already.

  7. Poppy

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who hated the women’s pro dance. Not only because of the sex stuff, although if I had young daughters I think I might have mumbled something about you can look sexy and appealing without being so…’professional’ about it. But mostly I was just wanting more dance steps in it.

    I, too, loved the ‘man trying to stuff a cat into its box to take it to the vet’ comment. Sheer joy.

    Am so glad that Dr Hamela is sparing some time this year to gift us her insights in your recaps, Monkseal. How did you manage to persuade her? Is she your stan?

  8. PadsterMo

    I’m still not sure what exactly Robin was trying to accomplish in that pro-dance, but there’s something about the way that he ‘overdances’ his solo spots that I find equal parts hilarious and endearing. I also don’t really see the point of Matt Flint either; I kind of wish we’d gotten Anton instead. Think about it – Anton, in that, with little to no rehearsal, whilst Erin got to tit around with Bruce…………….it wouldn’t just be Falvia who needed the therapist.

    And I don’t think we needed a dance to know that Katya Rule the World, even if it was an Aliona sabotage special.

  9. Dancing cake

    Just proved to myself that Monkseal recaps are still hilarious no matter what order you read them in. (A bit like watching episodes of Downton Abbey.)

    Two things: Is Aliona ACTUALLY eating custard in her safe sex pic?

    And Mini Olas sounds kind of like Wilnelias to me, Poor Miiniolas.


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