Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 6 Performance

None more grey.

Last week? Was HALLOWE’EN WEEK. Craig rode in clutching his stick between his legs

vroom vroom

(odd, normally that’s Bruno), Bloody Lulu floated down like a geriatric version of Demi Moore’s character in Charlie’s Angels 2 : Full Throttle (What do you mean you’ve not seen it? It’s AWFUL!), and for once

Whee!
ARGHH!

Russell was the one offering a more restrained and subtle actor’s interpretation of a particular role. Kristina wriggled her nose and bent men to her will and Nancy

Eeep

wriggled her arse and men willed to be bent. And sent her home. *sniff* (And by home, I mean on a whirlwind tour of newspapers, magazines and television programmes where she whined about how much she got paid, threatened to sue everyone connected with the show, claimed that the public LUFFED her, and hinted she might take over the show when Bruce dietires. LOVE. HER.)

This week?

SEV-URN

What an image. What becomes clear is that, in lieu of training, the celebs have spent all week

I'VE HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE! IN A CINEMA ON MY OWN!

doing sucking-up homework. Here’s Anita & Robin, preparing to tell Jennifer that really Dirty Dancing’s sub-plots about abortion and political turmoil make it far more than JUST an amazing dance film. I wouldn’t bother guys, she’ll be reading everything she thinks off laminates given to her in the Green Room anyway.

LIVE!

rargh!

Neva 4get!

The band strikes up, fireworks light up the screen, going HERP DERP FERP as they SHOOT ACROSS THE…erm…giant plasma screen. TESS DRESS WATCH is erm

Oh dear...

yes. Messy hair, coral lipstick, ugly beige dress, can see her bra through it at all times. Sometimes it’s so bad in such a drab way I feel almost bad drawing attention to it. It’s bad enough that Bruce gets lost in a reverie during his opening velociraptor dance deliberately so that he can avoid being near to it for as long as possible. Doubly unfortunately for Tess, noted fashion designer and turnip

Stylish.

Graham Taylor is in the audience. His opinion : “do I not like that ugly formless dress, darling!”. So catty. Bruce tells everyone to sit down (I don’t know Bruce, your velociraptor dance is more deserving of a standing ovation than half the dances that have got one this series) and niceterseeyers them all into submission.

Tess asks Bruce if he’s looking forward to Bonfire Night, like he’s going to be around to appreciate it. He’s shoved right into the cryogenic chamber the second the show’s over. “Keep Dancing” is the codeword for “turn it on at the mains”. Bruce says he isn’t look forward to it at all because he heard the fireworks telling him to retire. I don’t think you’re supposed to snort the gunpowder Bruce.

Everyone laughs at Crazy Old Bruce and he yells “WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?”. Who knows Bruce, who knows?

This week everyone will dance, and there’s no theme, and then one couple will go home. It almost feels wrong at this point not to have a theme. Luckily Flavia has licence to turn every week into a Theme Week. After Tess messes up a line and Bruce rubs it in, like his diction is ever pitch perfect, it’s time to meet the STARS of our show.

ON HIS LIST

Graham Taylor is mortified. “Flavia darling, a man of his girth has to be dressed sensitively! Just look at the way I draped Paulie Gascoigne back in the day. Now THERE was fashion!”

Once everyone’s out, and Russell has “MWAH MWAH!”d Bloody Lulu, inducting her formally into his clique of raddled old thesps with Anita. If Nancy were still here they’d be lobbing chips at her over the balcony and insincerely telling her that they LOVE HER DRESS, OH MY GOD NANCY WHERE DID YOU GET THAT! (The image of Russell, Anita and Bloody Lulu as Mean Girls is going to sustain me throughout Jennifer Grey Week, I can just tell).

Bruce jokes that he fell asleep and everyone started throwing coins at him, thinking it was Penny For The Guy.

*FLING*

You wouldn’t have to fall asleep for me to throw coins at you Bruce. I’d be there on the balcony, flicking them regardless. Bruce in particular thanks Holly for the Australian Dollar she gave him, and she

ACTING FACE!

is obliging with her face as ever. Meanwhile Artem is on so many painkillers he’s wondering why that unicorn is thanking Holly for her lovely hair. IS IT FAIRY TALES WEEK BIBBLE?

Bzzt fzzt

Up on Starship Karen? It’s ex-Strictly and rugby star Martin Offiah. You might be wondering why they brought back such a mediocre and forgotten star of Strictly past to accompany Karen this week. I’d guess it’s because they need someone burly to hold her down when she starts trying to bite Jennifer through the monitor.

Bloody Lulu & Brenda Cole dancing the tango

Eep

I’m going to miss tracking Brenda’s weekly visits to Lulu’s hairdresser. He’s going to be wheeled on for the final looking like Lady Cassandra from Dr Who. Apparently (sayz Bruce) Lulu is organising the post show party this weekend. I’m sure that’ll be a joy. Blasted on whiskey within 5 minutes, tottering around yelling “OH, YOU ALL WOULD HAVE VOTED FOR ME IF I WAS 25! INSTEAD OF 40 WHICH IS WHAT I AM!”, falling down her stairs wrapped in a net curtain on the grounds that everyone loved her when she was a bat, throwing up in the swimming pool and telling a tree that she NEVER BLOODY LIKED YOU ANYWAY.

Wooo

Craig’s already looking forward to it.

VT time now, and we start with Bloody Lulu

So earnest

very earnestly telling us that last week was the best Hallowe’en she’s EVER HAD. Like that’s a thing. First her and now Holly. I fully expect in a few weeks people to tell us that they’ve had the BEST DECEMBER 4TH OF THEIR ENTIRE LIFE. The reason for these raptures?

Whee!

She dressed up in tapestry and bungee’d off the stage. I can’t remember my favourite Hallowe’en ever, but I’m sure it at least involved some snogging. Anyway, Bloody Lulu says she felt SO MUCH PRESSURE as she was lowered onto the ground entirely beyond her own control. SO MUCH PRESSURE to get it right, and not start screaming “DEPLOY! DEPLOY! WHERE’S MY BLOODY PARACHUTE!” or whatever. She pats herself on the back as “You Raise Me Up” plays on the soundtrack, hopefully in a feat of epic piss-taking from my best friends on the show – the music editors.

Training now, and Bloody Lulu is disheartened by just how complicated the tango is. But not to worry, she’s going to film Brenda doing the lady’s role in the dance on her iPhone

WERD!

like the tank fly boss walk jam nitty gritty granny she is WORD, and watch it back later at home to help her pick up the steps. Not the first time someone’s filmed Brenda playing the female role to appreciate at home later (JAMES!). Speaking of which

WHEE!

here she is! Doing a mock tango with a Broom Brenda. With his face stretched taut over an unnatural rubbery surface, finally he is the ideal partner for Bloody Lulu! How sad Erin isn’t here to see this tribute to Dummy Dance. Between this and Kristina last week, I’m glad her previously derided old work is being acknowledged by following generations as a cult classic and under-appreciated piece of art, just as the Josie & The Pussycats movie will be.

Anyway, Lulu and Broom Brenda dance around loonily, and she offers him a cup of tea

MY ONLY FRIEND!

and I feel this is not so much a comedy VT as a reminder not to leave your elderly relatives alone in the winter time. Because is what will happen.

(All kudos again for soundtracking this with “Dancing With Myself” by the way. That’s an image I know I needed)

To the dancefloor now and, oooh drama.

DRAMA!

They’re dancing to “Kiss” by Prince, and between this and Erin’s Monster Munch tango, I feel we should whip up rumours of some sort of Prince related curse, if only to stop me having to listen to the band’s attempts to sing it. Yes yes, Rachel’s Argentine Tango was amazing and the sight of Artem dancing the Watusi  will live with me forever, but really. Pick on somebody else.

The dance itself is…erm…very Lulu. They spend a long time up there on the stairs just

Butt butt butt

headbutting at one another, because Lulu struggles with directions and hey, the Glasgow Kiss, it’s all part of her heritage right? Once they’ve spun about a bit up there Brenda runs down the steps twirling round, pretty much shouting “WHEE WHEEE WHEE!” all the way down to hide from Bloody Lulu’s walking, then they get to the floor and

NEEOWWWWWWWW

he’s stuck on piloting duties again. To her credit she does a lot of flapping and tricks with her legs, and seems to know what she’s doing for most of it, probably to disguise the fact that she’s conveying all the drama of an episode of Doctors. Brenda seems to be openly laughing at her at one point, and smiling a lot. Maybe she needs the encouragement? Or maybe post hairdressers, Brenda can’t frown any more? HIS HAIR JUST MAKES HIM THAT HAPPY.

Anyway, it all topped off with the most anaemic

I can't even feel it.

“kiss” ever. That’s a proper granny smacker there. Remember when Gavbot rammed his tongue so far down Bruno’s throat he could practically taste Ayers Rock? Those were the days. What’s perhaps more offensive to the delicate sensitivities of OFCOM happy viewers is her cooing “OH! HOW ARE YOU?” to Jennifer Grey whilst she’s up there. Does this make her the Lindsey Lohan in their reworking of Mean Girls? Because she really strikes me more as the Amanda Seyfried. Anywho, afterwards Brenda goes for a proper kiss on Craig, but Bloody Lulu’s too busy Chatting With The Stars to notice the dance-lesson he’s offering her.

Over to Bruce and he begs her until she kisses him.

(*nom nom nom*)

Well this is dignified already. Such a cradle-snatcher. Once this is mercifully over with, we’re reintroduced to

DAVEARCH!

Davearch, his Wonderful Wonderful Orchestra, and the Man In The Hat. I bet he was face-pained as a pumpkin last week and we NEVER GOT TO SEE IT. STUPID PROPS GETTING IN THE WAY! It’s also time to introduce our judges including, for one week only…the STAR OF DIRTY DANCING! It’s Patrick Swayze! Oh no, wait he’s dead. It’s Jerry Orbach! Oh no, wait, he’s dead as well! It’s Bill Medley and Jennifer W…no, erm, the watermelon?

Oh...

Oh, right, Jennifer Grey. At Bloody Lulu’s party I GUARANTEE she and Brenda will be shagging in one of Bloody Lulu’s cupboards, him wearing a fake mullet and a Patrick Swayze mask. Bruce sings “I HOPE YOU HAVE…THE TIME OF YOUR LIIIIFE!” at her, but sadly leaves off the “DIRTY BIT!” part. Oh Bruce, get the words right. Alesha chortles at Jennifer that she bets she’s heard that before. But I can’t imagine she’s seen this before :

RARK GRARGH

That’s right, it’s Bruce’s velociraptor mating dance! Run Jennifer run! Before he lays his eggs inside you! (Poor Wilnelia). Bruce tells Jennifer that he’s been a dirty dancer since he was 60, and Bloody Lulu grabs his arm and is all

WOO!

“YEAH! I’VE SHAGGED HIM!” (Poor Everyone.)

Jennifer is in fact starting, and she tells Bloody Lulu that she’s a very pretty girl, well done. She’s really been looking forward to seeing Bloody Lulu dance, and that was PHENOMENAL. She just has one question though :

*SQUINTS*

or at least it says she does on this card. “I don’t know what they’re putting in your porridge, but I want some!”. That’s not a question dear. Not that you can help what they’ve written for you to say. Bloody Lulu continues to suck up like a nuclear hoover.

Alesha follows,

WEE WACKA BO!

clearly loving being the judge with the most technical experience, says that she mistakes in the routine, which happens to everyone. It happened to her when SHE WAS HERE AND SHE DID THIS, it happened to Jennifer when SHE WAS THERE AND SHE DID THIS, but most importantly, she got on with things and didn’t self-harm or top herself or anything. Well done. But she needed more strength in her upper body, technical technical, work on that please. From the audience Ramps,

*pout*

on his yearly tour of the show looking as bored as possible, wonders why they didn’t ask him to be Guest Judge instead. Because Karen actually would have parachuted herself out of her spaceship onto the floor? Meanwhile Fashion Superstar Graham Taylor thinks “Alesha my sweetheart, those ear-rings are fierce but that hair-don’t is a whole world of no”.

Bruno next and he tells Bloody Lulu that he drives her crazy. Yeah, it’s so noticable.

More so than usual?

She started well, but she lost it halfway through. Coincidentally around the point the tango started. Bloody Lulu says she needs to rehearse more and Brenda mutters something under his breath about her only turning up for a couple of days per week, or something like that. This confuses the wiggins out of Bruce, although not as much as the prospect of Craig being Head Judge this week.

Strictly a vanity title only, but it suits me fine.

*smirk smirk smirk*

Although not as fine as it suits Craig, by the looks of it. Bruno and Brenda

OH NOES!

commiserate one another over this state of affairs. I lose track of who Brenda is feuding with at any one time. I guess it’s always just “The World”. Craig smugs over being Deputy Head Judge, and criticises her head and neck placement. Oh and the miming. Her miming is driving him mad. Could be worse Craig, she could be actually singing. As we shall see. But still, lovely moments and a beautiful ronde.

Before they kiss up to the Tessanine, Brenda of course (OF COURSE!) sucks up to Jennifer Grey about what an honour it is to have her on the show, and what an inspiration she’s been to him personally. Jennifer gives solid

Thank you.

Dr Hamela Face Of Humility in return.

What’s that Dr Hamela?

WOOOO!

He’s only saying it because he wants her to tickle his prostate with a feather duster whilst calling him daddy? Well that as maybe Dr Hamela, but don’t ruin the moment.

Up to the Tessanine they ki…

LOVE YOU JENNIFER!

oh no, wait she’s STILL sucking up to Jennifer. LET IT GO LULU, THEY’RE NOT EVEN MAKING A DIRTY DANCING 3. YOU’RE NOT PLAYING ANYBODY’S RAPPING GRANDMA! Even once she’s up there she treats the whole thing as an audition, croaking her way through the few bars of

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

“Shout!” and

hoo hoo hoo hoo

mugging away. ENOUGH, LULU! Scores are in –

EIGHT!

27. That “8” will be a theme by the way.

SIZE 90 SHOES AND 11 FEET TALL, AUDREY HENDERSON & Natalie Lowe dancing the Viennese Waltz

Hi!

Bruce makes a joke about how Audley hates Bonfire Night because the rockets get right up his nose. Because he’s so tall you see! It’s a joke so bad that that even Bruce declares it to be terrible. It’s a joke so terrible that it causes Natalie to resort to her old face

ONE TWO, NAT-NAT'S COMING FOR YOU

remember? From the Ricky Nipple series? Where it looked like she’d come to kill us all in our sleep? Ah, those were the days.

VT time, and Audley says that last week he really let his hair down, but the judges didn’t appreciate it blah blah, physical violence towards Craig

So over this...

blah blah.

He also reminisces about his time in the Bottom Two, given that it was his second appearance there. Between him, Nancy and Michelle Williams last year I love how the crappy people I root for these days because I find them endearing always wind up being Bottom Two Goddesses. Apart from Gavbot obviously, but if ever there was a special case, it was him.

Training now, and the first thing we hear is “get down low and go go go”, which I’m sure is a phrase Mr Natalie is only too familiar with. If there is a Mr Natalie? Give Ian another series and the Daily Mail would have spread rumours about them FOR SURE. Fortunately Natalie is just referring to the fact that

*creak*

Audley has to pretty much be on his knees for their heights to get anywhere near one anothers, and she’s always in danger of being crushed. Audley says that Viennese Waltz is a difficult dance and the competition’s really getting down to the great dancers and performers now. Eh…give it another…5 weeks? And then come back to me. And Robbie will still be in, even then. Natalie talks Audley through the dance, with a head full of cold, but it’s not working. So what’s the solution?

STRAIGHT OUTTA ZODIAC!

DANCING IN A SERIAL KILLER’S LAIR! Not really, it’s Audley’s training room for his boxing. They both tit around amongst the punching bags, and Natalie declares herself ready to rumble.

RUMBLE!

Fortunately for Audley, because let’s face it, she’d kill him, she’d kill all of us, that’s how I know that all those rumours about Mrs Audley slagging off her choreography must be untrue, because she’s still alive, she means dancing. Phew.

To the dance-floor now and

THIEVING BITCH!

they’ve stolen one of Artem’s lamp-posts! No wonder he’s feeling so down. They’re dancing their Viennese Waltz to “I’m With You” by Avril Latrine, which apparently explains the presence of the bridge. Because the song is set on a bridge. In the middle of the night. Where a young woman meets a man she doesn’t know. Who leads her off by the hand. Basically it’s a song about being a prostitute.

oops my head

BEST RED LIGHT DISTRICT EVAH! FRED AND GINGE WERE WHORRRRRRRRES!

Anyway, Natalie over-dances to a factor of 10, apparently buffeted hither and yon by invisible forces that she’s pretending are Audley, but even that, combined with the psychotic levels of dress-work, can’t really hide that he’s not doing an awful lot other than basic Viennese Waltz, quite slowly. I’m really glad she’s hauled him this far, but these stairs are getting a little too steep to keep watching someone haul the piano up them…

IT’S A METAPHOR OK!

Anyway, they whirl around a bit, his hands flicker on the ends of his wrists like pinball flippers, and it’s all very sweet and well…he’s still trying bless him. At the end, Prozzy-Natalie and her client cross back over the bridge. Well…she does. He’s so damn large he apparently just walks through the river like Godzilla.

Up on the Tessanine,

Boo you whore

Russell tells Anita to stop trying to make “fetch” happen. It’s not going to happen.

Alesha starts for the judges, saying she much prefers him in ballroom to Latin. Personally I can’t wait for his paso. He’ll take out the whole front row. The cape will be the size of a parachute. He does need to be more confident and give Natalie more of a lead though, says Alesha. Bruno follows, saying that he never knew that Audley could be so careful. He treated Natalie like she was a beautiful porcelain doll (I’d buy one. And her ceramic plate. And bizarre ugly Fantasy-Themed gewgaw where she’s a Valkyrie with magenta 80s hair and her boobs hanging out). He needs to provide more drive to the dance though.

Craig follows, and says that he needs to spot when he turns, his hands need shaping (although this has improved on recent weeks) and oh yes

Lol oops

he needs to keep his tongue in his head. Should have told Bloody Lulu that. Jennifer finishes by saying she thought it was

Oh Christ...

“Audley enchanting”. I think she’s got Bruce’s script there by mistake, instead of her own. She thought it was a great mix of masculine and elegant, especially as he has size 16 shoes. Audley corrects her, and tells her they’re size 17. Whatever Audley, she’ working on US sizes. Definitely.

Up to the Tessanine they WITH YERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, where Tess has to go to a great deal of faff to get them to stand on their marks. Tsk tsk. Given that Audley is a showbiz type (well, according to Dan Lobb anyway, the only non-showbiz type IN THE WORLD) you’d think he’d do better. Tess asks him if he’s ever been called “delicate” before

LOLYES

clearly the answer is yes, we all remember the end of his boxing career. But this time, it’s a COMPLIMENT! WOO! Can’t wait for Len to praise his glass jaw next week. Tess whitters on about Audley’s LOVELY SMILE (although thankfully not his NATURAL RHYTHM) and he decides he’d rather talk about how well he felt the dance went. Pfft, on this show? Scores are in :

EIGHT

27. His highest score to date. It’s also Kristina’s

Ugh

best Bitch-Face to date. Well…this series anyway.

Hairy McFlea (OR HE WOULD BE IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE EVILS OF WAXING!) and Aliona Vilani dancing the samba

Hullo.

No jokes to be found here. Move on, move on.

In his VT, Harry says there was a lot to be nervous about last week, but he thought the judges comments were fair. What he can remember of them

Wha?

which is not really a lot because he’s clearly paying even less attention to the circus on the other side of the desk than Aliona is. He tells us that every time they say they’re dancing samba next week Aliona looks at him as if to say “oh shit”. Well that’s one way to build his confidence up. They both agree it will be…quite challenging.

Training now, and my best friends the music people play “Sexy! No No No” as he

Erp

pulls various faces and reprises moves from that bloody

No no no

GREASE THING. Ugh. This is not how to be sexy! Anyway, Harry sarcastically smirks that the samba is technically very easy, but when Aliona tries to talk him through the various bits and pieces of technical skill that make up an Aliona samba (do a backflip, shake your tits at the crowd, do a backflip again), he’s

Pssst

imagining himself cavorting semi-naked with beautiful women/ being peed on by a group of she-males.

(Hilariously this

DR DICK!

shot reminds me of those series of Cybill where she and Christine Baranski weren’t talking, so they delivered one another’s lines within the same scene, shot on different days, to various extra wearing wigs pretending to be them. GAYEST REFERENCE EVER!). In the end,

WHEE

Harry and Aliona mince through the West End with Aliona squealing “LET’S HAVE OUR OWN PERSONAL CARNIVAL YAY!”.

Not. A. Clue.

To the dancefloor now and

PER-YOING

someone’s clearly a lot less shy than Chelsee about having his nipples out. I feel like it’s looking right at me. Challenging me. We’ve got our second Stevie Samba in three weeks as well, as they’re dancing to “I Wish”. That’s right, Harry is looking back on when he used to be a nappy-headed boy. As sambas go, his hips aren’t awful, although they’re a bit lungy, but he’s not really bouncing a lot and there’s an awful lot of this

Wheeee

ie him standing in place whilst she runs round him like a dog tied to a hydrant.

Most criminal sin? Harry Judd is practically shirtless and I’m bored. Think on. I almost wish she’d choreographed it to the Will Smith “WIKKI WIKKI WAH WAH!” version of this song and done a cowboy theme. Almost.

WIKKI WIKKI WAH WAH

Still,

Wheee!

it’s enough to put Dougie in raptures. Obviously been a while since he’s had any Harry-action.

It gets a standing ovation, and when they arrive at the judges, Bruce praises them for managing to get everyone in the room up.

Oh Christ...

Big mistake Bruce. Big mistake. Bruno pretty much gets his cock out and does a windmill with it. But he’s disappointed that there wasn’t more abandon in it. I think that means he wanted the trousers off as well. It needed to FLOW out of his body all over Bruno’s…

Unf

well yes, that’s quite enough of that. At least I censor myself with Pasha. Eventually. Usually.

Craig follows by saying that his semi-nudity was a slight distraction, but he wishes he’d bounced his voltas more, Jennifer

Rowr

goes full cougar, and Alesha says she wanted to see him go for it EVEN MORE. This is what happens when you remove the only heterosexual male from the panel. ANARCHY AND SEXY HARASSMENT! Tom and Dougie look

Ugh

most unimpressed, If they’re sexually attracted to him, why aren’t they attaching bull-dog clips to his balls? THAT’S THE MCFLEA WAY!

Up to the Tessanine they go, where Tess congratulates them on getting a standing ovation and doing “dirty dancing” in front of Jennifer Grey.

Wooo arghhh!

CAUSE THAT WAS THE FILM SHE WAS IN, HAVE THEY MENTIONED IT? Harry says that samba was the hardest dance for him so far (just like erm…all of them? Apart from possibly the foxtrot, but he may have said it about that as well). Tess is INCREDULOUS that a drummer might find a samba hard. What about the RHYTHM? Erm…all dances have rhythms Tess. That’s what makes them dances. Scores are in – 33

Team Dobbin dancing the Charleston

SPRRRROING

Bruce tells us that Anita is doing the first Charleston of the series. I’m kind of intrigued to see if Argentine Tango is back on the leash and in the semis or not. It’s been conspicuous by its absence so far. Anyway, the Charleston is from the 1920s, just like the Wall Street Crash, the rise of brutalist communism, the Nazi Party, the General Strike, prohibition, the exploitative scam of the marathon dance, Yahtzee, slaughter in the balkans, and BRUCE.

Good game good game

And in many ways, he’s still there.

VT now, and Anita blathers on about her NERVES (it’s her and Alex this year isn’t it? Locked in a battle to see who can talk about their NERVES the most) but apparently when she

Rargh!

got behind the gravestone, everything was fine. She’s a bit worried about Craig’s comments about her posture. She’s had 5000 years of standing like an actress, and now she has to stand like a dancer? IT’LL DESTROY HER SPINE, BUT SHE’LL GIVE IT A GO, ALL FOR STRICTLY!

Training now, and

MADE IN CAROLINA!

Anita is doing the Charleston, which apparently is “lots of legs and lots of arms”. Especially as they’re doing an octopus themed routine to “Octopus’ Garden”. Actually that’d be amazing, so obviously they’re not doing that. What they’re doing is RAIDING BUGSY MALONE FOR INSPIRATION FOR THE BILLIONTH MILLIONTH TIME IN THIS SHOW’S HISTORY. ENOUGH! Anita says that the era is all about gangsters and molls, and Robin moans that he may

SO TOUGH!

look like a gangster, but the similarity ends there. As if to prove this…

SPLURGE

they all mess around with splurge guns whilst Fat Sam’s Grand Slam plays. I feel Robin may have found himself in that…sort of visual frame of reference before. In his life. A few times. But really what is it with this show and getting Anita to play

ello ducks!

teenage girls? It needs to end. Just because she was a millennia old demon last week (…and the week before) doesn’t balance it out you know.

Out to the floor now and we’re in

Snazzy

Robin’s Speak-Easy. Keep your alcohol in your tea-cups and your poppers under the table because Robin’s here to shake your cock

Shake shake

tail for you (enough “Robin is gay LOL” jokes this week Monkseal? Yes. Yes there have been enough).

They dance to what sounds to me like intermission music. I feel like Anita’s about to offer me a tray with ice-cream and popcorn on, and Robin’s about to offer me his peanuts. (I SAID ENOUGH!) It’s actually a fairly good effort from Anita. Who would have thought the official DANCE OF GURN would suit her?

GURRRRRRN

(Oh, right, everyone). She’s really pushing herself and whilst she’s clearly a little bit old to be giving it the full welly

TAKE THAT YOU BASTARD HAT!

she knocks Robin’s rubbish hat off, and that’s enough for me. You know who else came out of the 1920s?

I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP!

Norma Desmond. (Probably…)

It gets a standing ovation, and she shuffles her tray over to the judges. The camera pans to

Hello?

these people, like I should know who they are. Her step-children? Two thirds of Bananarama? Maybe they’re just confused in the absence of Billy Connolly. Bruce tells her that watching that whole routine was like being born again. As opposed to usual, when it’s like giving birth (NOT REALLY ANITA, I LOVE YOU).

Craig starts for the judges, and says that she lost a bit of swivvel on occasion, and she was a little bit behind Robin in parts… the audience boo this. But isn’t it nice to have a Head Judge who responds to booing with

*face*

gay-face, rather than screaming and yelling “BE QUIET YOU’RE GETTING ON MAH WICK GURR’CHA!”? Anyway, Craig closes by saying that she really brought the dance to life, well done. Jennifer follows by reading that she can see why Anita is a national treasure, but she could have pointed her toes a bit more. Anita thinks

ANKUWS!

“I’LL BEND YOUR TOES FOR YOU JENNIFER! BEND THEM RIGHT BACK TO YOUR BLEEDIN ANKLES!”. Meanwhile on the Tessanine,

*limbers*

Artem limbers up for the main show later. And CRY-TWO-THREE and POUT-TWO-THREE and SOULFULLY STARE DOWN THE CAMERA IN AGONY-TWO-THREE.

Alesha follows, saying that Anita lost timing in points, but she really thinks she’s on the verge of what she came into the competition to do. What? Get herself out of the house? No, silly, to BECOME A DANCER. Anita’s face

WOWWWWW

briefly troubles the upper ends of the Dr Hamela Gush Scale, before Bruno finishes by praising her for her performance, but telling her she lost the timing in her hands a couple of times.

Up to the Tessanine they sprint, where Tess greets her by gushing that blondes CLEARLY HAVE MORE FUN! Because Anita has gone blonde this week. I wish Robin had as well, just to match. Collars and cuffs. Tess calls her an “inspiration” (*drink*) and asks her where she gets all her energy from. She’s like a teenager, and Tess is just exhausted watching her. As am I…

*sigh*

We revisit Alesha’s comments about Anita transforming into a dancer, woohoo, and scores are in – 31

I'W DO YOU JENNIFER GREY!

Tell me she’s not thinking “same as BLOODY LULU?!”. Just tell me she’s not. You better watch it Jennifer Grey, she WIW kick off.

Greyson Botovan & Kristina Rihanoff dancing her first rumba in four series

Aw

Bless. That’s quite a record. Of course she’s still got her first charleston, her first Argentine Tango and her first Swing-A-Ma-Jig to come. Well…hopefully not on that last one, but we live in hope. Bruce asks the audience if there are any women there who want to get romantic with Jason, as it’s his first romantic dance. God, Kristina’s bored of him already isn’t she? At least this let’s us know how long it takes Karen Hardy to beam down from her Starship, because you know she’d be there asap shouting “NOW WATCH ME WIN THE WHOLE SERIES AGAIN!”

In VT Jason says that last week was great, and he really can’t explain in words what Alesha’s 10 means to him. It’s alright Jason, she can’t explain what it means half the time either. He jokes that this means that Kristina will be happy with him this week…well until Wednesday at least. Is that when she’s forced into filming bloody awful comedy VTs because your training sessions are less interesting than Ishtar?

Speaking of which, rumba training is apparently going poorly for Jason because he can’t remember back far enough to tap into the awkward, fumbling, using both hands to remove a bra whilst poking your tongue out your mouth first-date atmosphere required for a BLOKERUMBA. I wonder if Kristina will be channelling the spirit of her first date with Joe Calzaghe. I’ve always wanted to see a rumba set in the alley behind a Burger King. WORK THAT WHOPPER JASON! WORK IT! Anyway, naturally this channelling involves an awful comedy VT flashing back to Jason’s youth in the seventies apparently, which is odd because he was only born i.

*vom*

NO! I CAN’T EVEN TALK ANY MORE! THERE’S NOT ENOUGH BRAIN BLEACH! NOT ENOUGH BRAIN BLEACH IN THE WORRRRRRRLD. THIS IS WORSE THAN VORDERUMBA AND DR HAMELA GETTING BUMMED OVER A POTTER’S WHEEL AND CUNNILIFTUS AND EVERYTHING THAT ARLENE EVER DID, SAID, OR WAS COMBINED!

WHEEEEE!

Dr Hamela : “Obviously this expressed inhibition around sex means you secretly harbour desires to do the horizontal mambo with Jason on a mountain-top as the Teletubbies baby-sun rises over Niagra Falls”.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

Ahem.

To the dancefloor now, and

Rumba ma bumba

Jason and Kristina are doing their rumba to “Killing Me Softly”, sadly not The Fugees version. I bet Kristina would have provided her one patois “ONE TIME!”s as well. As bloke-rumbas go, it doesn’t seem that badly. It’s VERY mincey, and there’s the occasional

*GRIN*

stupid inappropriate face, but he doesn’t seem inhibited or embarrassed by it, and he’s putting a lot into it. It’s just a shame that the pair of them have

*pssssst*

all the natural chemistry of a radiation-shower, but…I don’t think that’s just a dance thing. There’s a nice false finish (…or at least a point where the audience claps like they think it ought to be over), and

Whee!

I’m not sure what this is, but I’m just impressed it’s capable of existing. Not a bad effort, all in all, and definitely less bad than his paso. I can’t help thinking they probably should have stuck to the false finish though, given that the actual finish is apparently him

Dun dun DURRRRRRRN

doing SECRET SOAP VILLAIN FACE behind her back. She thought his plan to steal the Rosakoff Diamond was behind him? MWAHAHAHAHA!

It gets no Standing O, oh well.

Over to the judges they kill, and Bruce tells them that was like POETRY out there. Yeah, by William McGonagall. Jennifer starts and reads

*squints*

“two pints of milk, a loaf of bread, pickled wawnuts, loo roll, toothpaste, tinned tomatoes, a box of Black Magic for Mrs Len, and a copy of SPORTSMAN! Illustrated”. Thanks Jennifer! Alesha follows, taking up for Len in absentia, by saying that rumba is SUCH A DIFFICULT DANCE, although she leaves off FOR VE MAYUW SELEBRITIES TAH DOOO!, so really what’s the point of bringing it up. She tells Jason not to hate her but…she found that really boring.

Oops
Grrrr

I don’t think it’s Jason you have to worry about Alesha. Anyway, she thought it was contrived and didn’t see any connection between him and Kristina. Bruno follows by complaining that he didn’t feel anything tonight. Jeez Bruno, it’s not ALL about your pants. He says Jason is normally so focused and so expressive, and tonight just didn’t measure up. A-LOL at expecting him to keep up his usual standards of ham-acting in a rumba. If he had he would have been boggling his eyes out like Judge Doom and grabbing great big handfuls of her tits.

Craig closes by calling it all very serious and earnest. Yes, how unlike the rumba. Kristina should have worn a clown nose. He thinks Jason has now been exposed in that dance, especially his Latin Fingers. DAMN YOU LATIN FINGERS! Jason is, as always, ABSOLUTELY FINE WITH ALL OF THIS, ABSOLUTELY FINE.

SO FINE!

Kristina bloody isn’t. Alesha hoots along that it’s a HARD DANCE (it was her lowest score) and Jennifer nods solemnly along, all whilst thinking “whatever, I got 30/30 in it, s’not rocket science).

Up to the Tessanine they have a style, and Tess completely and utterly and pointedly ignores Kristina in the rudest manner possible. Seriously, every time Kristina tries to speak to defend the dance, Tess blanks her. After a while she clearly thinks

FINE!

“oh, fine, sure, let Jason speak, see what that does to your ratings, PEEEEEEYOWWWWWWWW!” as he waffles on about how he’s fine with it all and he appreciates the judges comments and really the soul of the rumba is finding the character of the mathematical equations behind the personality and technicalities of it all. Scores are in

EIGHT

28. After they get their scores Jason & Kristina try to leave the Tessanine prematurely before Tess is ready to usher them off. I believe this is the first recorded incident of Jason trying to inappropriately get himself OUT OF the centre of shot.

(Personally I think she’s aware that Len’s catchphrase is “7!” and also that on Dancing With The Stars he’s the mean scorer (imagine it) so she’s trying to compensate. Also she got six perfect scores in her series, so Lord only knows what her perspective on how to use a Strictly scoring scale is).

The Prisoner of Jordancatraz & James Jordan dancing the quickstep

Hello!

Every week I worry for her a little bit more. Bruce gossips with us that apparently James has apparently organised a secret sexy Bonfire Night party between him and Alex.

Natter natter natter

I love that he’d rather get stabbed to death by Ola rather than go to Bloody Lulu’s party and watch her try to slide down the balcony like Brenda did for their paso shouting “LOOK! I CAN DO IT! I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FUCKING PRO!”, crack her head off the parquet flooring and spend the next two hours bleeding everywhere and insisting she doesn’t need hospital because she is immortal.

Or, you know, whatever’s going to happen.

In VT, Alex tells us that she and James were quite pleased with their dance last week, on the whole. Apart from how James woke up in the middle of the night pressed up against his bedroom window singing this. Naked. Apart from that, it was FABULOUS!

Training now, and Alex

SO VERY HARD

squints that quickstep is the hardest dance she’s had so far because guess what? IT’S QUICK. With lots of steps! She wishes she was doing rumba again, so she could get pissed (on one glass of port and lemonade) and pretend to be a sheep. Anyway, James yells at her a lot, and tells her he’s not going to talk to her all week (I bet she’s mortified…) and instead he’s just going to hammer her. I believe that was Artem & Kara’s schedule for November last year as well. Hem hem. Anyway, it turns out that sitting on your arse all day talking about the impact of stamp duty on badgers in the Lake District with Jeff Stelling isn’t the best cardio exercise in the world, so Alex needs a BALLROOM BOOT-CAMP!

Woo!
Run run run
Whee!

Didn’t Patsy do this last year with Robin? (If anything, it’s somehow gayer with James…) The Comedy VTs are so outlandish and bizarre and pointless, and now they’re unoriginal as well! Hooray! To be fair, given that it’s clearly a child’s adventure playground he probably found her there with her best friend Siobhan talking about Justin Bieber and drinking Strawberry Ribena, rather than coming to training. So it’s only right he yell at her like this. We close with Alex saying that this has been James’ chance to unleash his inner Sergeant. Is this like how the last two weeks have been a chance for her to unleash her inner Widdy all over the dance-floor?

To the dancefloor now,

DANCEFLOOR!

and they’re doing their quickstep to “It Don’t Mean A Thing If It Aint Got That Swing”, which incidentally is the methodology behind Alex Jones choosing that adventure playground as her favourite. “That Swing” being the one shaped like a girarf. THE SLIDE IS AN ELLYFANT!

FACE
FACE!

I don’t think anybody has ever danced a dance on this show harder than Alex’s face just danced this one. Seriously, the Bunto and Chambers Paso Faces just took a look and went “calm down love”. As a consequence, combined with the fact that it’s a very fast quickstep for someone of her ability, means it’s amongst the least elegant quicksteps ever seen on the show (in fact it ends with a giant

Whee!

flurry of knickers I don’t want to talk about too much because I’m SURE It Takes Two will have replayed it into the ground by the time this recap actually goes up) but it’s certainly a lot of fun, and proof if proof were needed that she’s definitely more exciting in Ballroom than she is in Latin.

TEE HEE!

Alex found it all very enjoyable anyway, although what is funner for an 8 year old than falling down a lot? Bruce wanders over to her and, with an “up ya get, darlin” (quite), brings her over to the judges.

Alesha starts by saying the bit where Alex fell on her arse was her favourite bit. Mine too. Apart from that, whilst there were a few mistakes and she lost posture a few times, that was all really sophisticated (it bloody wasn’t) and it really suited her (it bloody did). Alex is now apparently IN FULL FLOW! Oh Alesha, how quickly a girl becomes a woman. She’ll be buying her first bra soon. (Well…her first bra that fits…) Bruno follows by saying it started amazingly, and sent shivers down her spine. There were some footwork errors towards the end, but he doesn’t mind because…I dunno she presents The One Show or something and therefore is a FAKE OVER-MARKED BBC PET BITCH or whatever the logic is. That I’ve seen. From Chris Hollins fans. Ahem.

Craig follows, saying there were some small timing issues arising from her getting her shoes caught in her pants or somewhere (so elegant), but she coped with it all

mmmmmmmmmmm

MARVELLOUSLY and there was a definite improvement. Jennifer closes – “now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this sun of York ; And all the clouds are…no, hang on…wrong bit of paper. Erm you dance dead good pretty lady thumbs up!”. Bruce hoots “LOVELEEEEE!” at her as she retreats up the Tessanine. This apparently is a Welsh thing. Do…a lot of cars get broken into in Wales?

Once up on the Tessanine of course, James is

YAY!

greeted by his cool friend Brendan yelling “YOU FELL OVER!”. Oh boys. Both James and Alex mug about how they tripped over HO HO, and again, all over It Takes Two, let’s move on, to how she’s definitely not filming in that rusty old playground (/going back to Ballroom Boot Camp) again next week. Scores are in –

Shrug

31. She’s even confused herself at this point.

James Jordan & Ola Jordan dancing the waltz

*beam*

She’s slowly transforming him. To be fair, he already had the erm…interesting tattoos already. Apparently waltz as a dance is all about rise and fall. No it isn’t Bruce, it’s all about stair-bothering skill and control of your feather boa, keep up.

In his VT, Robbie says that he loved the paso last week, and was in his element. He loved the cape work, he loved spinning Ola around, he loved the masculinity, he loved everything, even the walking around grabbing his nob which they oddly enough don’t show again on the VT. Probably wanted to give OFCOM a weekend off. Never mind, I’m sure some people rang up and objected to Jennifer Grey’s face. But oh dear, Len and Craig done a mean and Craig gave him a 4 boo hoo whinge on twitter.

oof

Training now, and Robbie is blowing training off in order to go out into the world and exploit his celebrity status. Since he’s done Strictly, everyone’s come up to him in the street to congratulate him on a job well done. Look

WIGGY!

here’s Darren Benne…oh no, wait, the barnet confused me for a minute, it’s just some old lady and her mate. Robbie asks her if she remembers what it was he did before Strictly. The old lady says OF COURSE she does, he was a famous hairdresser. Her friend chimes in to disagree and say he was in Steps. Ladies and Gentleman, the two best VT actors this week. By a distance.

Also intrigued by Robbie is

plink plonk boogie woogie

jazz-hobbit Jamie Cullum. Was he worried about the outfits? He gets all his from old Sylvanian Family sets Sophie buys for him off the Internet. She can’t fit through normal doors and when he tries to get served in shops, all the assistants go “WHO’S THERE? IS IT A GHOST MABEL?” (*sad face*).

What now? Erm, something something lesbian gyms, something something

AH AH AH AH BARELY STAYING ALIVE

auto-erotic asphyxiation Bee Gees (COME ON, GOOGLE HITS!). Jeez, was Ola washing her hair this week? Can she not come on and throw things at his face again? Those were the days.

To the dance-floor, and

STEP-BOTHERER!

LOL HI MATT DI ANGELO! Never gets old… Well alright, it does, but it still amuses me, so it’s still going in the recap. They’re waltzing to “Love Aint Here Any More”, by Ruth Lorenzo, so I’m guessing it’s one of those

SOWWY OWWA!

“oh no, someone forgot someone’s anniversary and thought he could make up for it with a bunch of garage flowers and Pretty Woman on DVD” waltzes. After that picture I’ll never be able to look at clips of 1960s Coronation Street again without thinking how it missed Ola’s pinched-up little angry matriarch face. Ena Sharples, suck on THAT. As male waltzes go, it’s not awful. He’s better in hold than out of it, and he seems to be spending most of the dance staring at a cat stuck on the ceiling rather than Ola but…it’ll do. It has the Chris Hollins memorial PIVOTS going for it anyway. Also, he

Boo hoo

full-on cries at the end like a great big Jessie. DAMN YOU, OH TOWN CALLED YESTERDAY!

(It’s like the beginning of an Accident Cover ad isn’t it? “If you’ve permanently injured your groin, tugging at yourself at work…call this number”.)

Bruce calls them over and says it was a shame about their tiff at the end of the dance, because otherwise it was REALLY romantic! Don’t worry Bruce, they were just doing a pretend. Bruno starts for the judges as,

Nom nom burger

I dunno, they catch him in the middle of eating an invisible hamburger or something. But he found it all very poised and controlled and heart-broken. It was his best performance yet, but he needed to put more Sweep into the waltz. As long as it’s not that bitch Soo…

Craig follows, saying that it was well danced with good rise and fall, but he was far too

TENSE!

TENSE throughout, and Craig didn’t feel any real emotion there. Whatever Craig, he done CRIED!

Jennifer follows, saying that what she really loves about this competition, is that holds a place for beautiful elegant dances like Alex’s quickstep but also allows space for things like that hilarious mechanical bull-riding they all jus…no, hang on,

Eh

she’s got lost. Come back to her in a bit? (*shuffles paper*). Alesha closes

Zzzzz

holding her head up from nodding off during Jennifer’s rambling, saying that she thought they danced it very well. She could feel a little bit of tension where he was concentrating, but she could also feel the emotion between him and Ola.

Off to the Tessanine they go away, with Bruce hooting “GO AND HAVE A GOOD CRY ROBBIE! HAVE A GOOD CRY WHEN YOU HEAR CRAIG’S SCORE!”. Don’t worry Bruce, he will. Tess greets them with “Craig said he wanted a smile”…erm, no he didn’t Tess? Anyway Robbie explains that he couldn’t smile, not even for a second, because it just wasn’t the character of the DAHNCE. He has a bit of a mope about how he’ll take whatever the judges give him, although it’ll probably be bad

*pout pout*

(*AMATEUR WOOBIE FACE ALERT*). To cheer him up, Tess asks everyone who wants Robbie to shag them. In so many words. Anita is

YAY!

a little too enthusiastic. Poor Billy Connolly. Tess Daly garbles something out about how Robbie probably never thought he’d love dancing this much right? Robbie agrees. He never thought he’d do anything as amazing as dance a waltz in front of 11 million people. 11 million? Maybe by the semis Robbie, it’s about 9.5 now. Scores are in –

EIGHT

29.

Robert Smith & Flavia Cacace dancing the paso doble

FRIDAY I'M IN LOVE!

Just needs a bit more back-combing, and we’ll be back in the 80s! Apparently Russell and Flavia are big fans of the film Dirty Dancing, and in honour of Jennifer Grey, they apparently wanted to pay tribute this week to the iconic dirty dancing lift. He was going to be an attendant and she was going to be the buttons. Just don’t try getting it to go down to the basement or she’ll slap your face.

In VT we’re reminded that Russell’s samba last week was the first to really feel any sort of sting from the judges. Tess says it was due to nerves because he was on first. Russell says it was because his adrenalin was low and because he couldn’t tap into the performance as a result. Maybe they should put their heads together and come up with an actual answer? Anyway, Alesha loved it, because it was to Kylie. That’s…still marginally better than giving marks to men for wearing pink. Marginally. Apparently Kylie tweeted Russell after the dance to tell him that he should SHIMMY! Oh, sure, typical backseat popstar. Maybe she should have tweeted Dannii on X Factor a few times and told her to stop being such a miserable old trout.

Training now, and Flavia is concerned,

*CONCERNED*

because paso doble is not the most naturally suited dance to Russell. Because it’s so dramatic (*snorfles into hanky*). But she’s got an idea that will perk Russell up.

WOO!

RUGBY PLAYERS!

F'NAR

Yeah, he looks ready. He and Flavia paso their dobles around the players and…occasionally touch the ball. I don’t want to think too hard lest I make too many parallels with the three months my school made me play rugby for before I got shuffled down to hockey. Then down to tennis. Then down to badminton. I’ve got a mean wrist now though.

To the dance-floor now and

SENSUAL!

for the first few milliseconds that’s just his top half rocking backwards and forwards. To say it’s inappropriately sexual is…probably inaccurate if we’re still measuring on the same scale as Jason’s comedy VT. So…Russell’s some sort of accountant riding back and forth on his mechanical bull (nice to see with Len gone there’s still a place for some by the way) and

*SNIFFLE*

then there’s something with a hanky? (Blue on the right wrist means he wants to nosh off a policeman). (I feel Flavia missed a costume opportunity and a HALF there. Avant-garde THIS, VILANI). This then gets replaced with a bigger hanky, and then a cape for literally the worst caping ever seen on the show. Comedically so, but still. He looks like a 9 year pretending he’s Michaelangelo from the Ninja Turtles.

Then he gets off the bull and

Wheee

does a dance or something. Flavia’s skirt looks nice anyway. He’s very adept at moving his heft at this point but grace and power are still…some way off.

THE END

It gets a standing ovation and Kristina’s

YAY

chin just sheer DISAPPEARS into her neck in delight and happiness for him.

Once they’re over at the judges Craig does his usual “one word” bit, and this time the word is

Quite.

“Astonishing”. Thanks Craig. Jennifer follows by saying “Mark breathed in heavily. “Oh Arlene” he whispered, seductively, his manly chest heaving up and down with sweaty exertion, his groin already frothed into a fevered fecund frenzy by the great gusty…(*come back to this later*) gyrations of the samba. “Your tits look crac…”, oh no, wait, this bit looks like he’s been here for YEARS. Erm…that was well funny, well done”.

Alesha follows, saying that it didn’t have the drive and passion she normally expects from a paso, but she loved Russell’s version anyway. She laughed the whole way through. By that token Alesha, Bacofoil was a 10, let’s not go there. Bruno closes by yelling that RUSSELL REALLY DIDN’T WANT TO STOP RIDING THAT BULL DID HE? LOL RIDING, LIKE SEX!

Ho ho

Dancing was alright actually.

Up to the Tessanine they bull, where Tess guffaws that they never let her down!

SO.PROUD.

I’m sure that’s what it’s all about Tess. Tess tells Russell that everyone loves him, and asks how he got on with the MACHO paso, being a big old poof and all. Russell ignores her completely (HOORAY!) in order to thank the men of Harlech Rugby Club for helping him learn how to paso. Or at least that’s what he told them it was. Scores are in – 24.

That One Who’s Been In Waterloo Road Forever, No Not The Teacher Who Used To Be Fit But Has Now Gone So Off The Boil The Bubbles Have Made A Powdery Foam, The Other One, The Girl One & OH MY GOD, NATURE’S GREATEST MIRACLE PASHA KOVALEV! dancing the Charleston

Hullo!

As they’re introduced someone in the audience yells “COME ON CHEWSE!”. I knew it was a mistake to allow the working classes onto the show. Look, she’s gorn and turned the normally refined Pasha into some sort of grease-monkey. Sigh. Bruce jokes that he asked Chelsee if he could borrow her phone earlier, but she warded him off with young person speech like “surfing the web” and “bangin toons”. I fear he may have got Chelsee mixed up with the year 1996.

Chelsee joke face?

Heh.

It is to laugh.

VT now, and we’re reminded of her…little accident last week, but she’s decided that looking back, she made too big a deal of how she’d “mucked things up”, because the first half of the dance went really well, even with

Dream Gay

Pasha styled as a member of a Green Day tribute act. She promises that she’s going to leave the unpleasantness behind her, and move on to a whole new week as a whole new Chelsee! Woo! Although hopefully not in any physical sense. I feel enough has been renovated there as it is.

Training now, and

Woo!

yeah, that’s a Charleston face. Because they’re dancing Charleston! Pasha and Chelsee both say that Charleston is very fast and energetic, and then Pasha loses me by talking about technicalities? In the hands? You can tell he’s new here can’t you? Dear Pasha : just tell her to run round gurning like she’s auditioning to host the Run The Risk revival. Mention “Busgy Malone” 50 BILLION times even though it’s about as authentically 1920s as Findus Crispy Pancakes. Pretend to be at least seven different varieties of Farm Animal, up to and including Rebecca Loos. Technicalities? No.

Despite my sage advice, Pasha has decided he is going to use wise old teaching techniques to improve Chelsee’s technique.

?

Apparently these are “making references to 80s films Monkseal has never seen”. Between this and Dirty Dancing, I am lost. Couldn’t someone do a dance routine based on Pretty Woman? (Brenda, I’m not even going to pretend not to be looking directly at you here). These 80s references are also

YER WHA?

extremely well-targetted for Chelsee. This bit here is something to do with “wax on, wax off” from Karate Kid. Certainly when I watch a Pasha segment, something that SOUNDS very like “wax off” is an appropriate description of what I[JOKE REDACTED). This…

?

I have no clue. Maybe a Breakfast Club reference next week? Or dress her as a robot and make her foxtrot yelling “CHELSEE FIVE IS ALIVE!”.

To the dancefloor and

OH NO!

oh no, Chelsee’s having trouble with her car! Between this, and Alex actually making her car EXPLODE last week, Strictly’s not doing much for stereotypes about female drivers is it? I’m no mechanic, but my first point of concern would be how the steering wheel isn’t connected to the rest of the car. Might be an issue. I do wonder if that’s an Austin Healey. If she was honking the horn of that in frustration as fumes seeped out of her undercarriage, she’d be living out all of Arlene’s dreams at once…

The Charleston? It’s actually pretty good, although she’s still a bit flingy with her limbs and often

WHEE!

apparently doing an entirely different piece of choreography from her partner, but she’s got the care-free movement of the dance down, and is doing well to keep up with the frantic nature of the choreography. I’ve also seen her criticised a lot for looking at him to copy which is odd because…she doesn’t. He’s actually looking at her a lot more than t’other way around, but hey ho. Maybe I’m just glad to a) see Charlestons that aren’t all just lifts and pulling fish-faces and b) hear emogirl82 really enjoying singing the song (“Has Anybody Seen My Gal?”) (There’s only so much Katy Perry a girl can take), but I’ve enjoyed both of the Charlestons this week a lot more than I usually do. Which is not saying much, but still.

TA DAH!

It gets a standing ovation, hooray.

Bruce welcomes them over to the judges by congratulating Pasha for the choreography which…I don’t think he did, but I’ll take what I can get. Jennifer starts for the judges

*scrutinises*

by saying that she has heard that Chelsee is the Baby of the competition because she is the youngest and she, Jennifer Grey, was also called Baby in the movie Dirty Dancing that she did in the 80s, did she mention it? And when she was Baby in the movie Dirty Dancing that she was the star of, one of the lines that her dear friend and supporting co-star Patrick Swayze from the movie Dirty Dancing and also Ghost and Road House and…I dunno, probably Footloose or something whatever, none of them had Jennifer Grey in, had was “nobody puts “Baby” in the corner”, because her character Baby, from the movie Dirty Dancing which she was in, was something of a wallflower (I KNOW! IT’S JUST LAUGHABLE TO THINK OF IT ISN’T IT?!), and accustomed to standing in the corner at dance parties. As you may have surmised from the title, dancing being somewhat of a theme of the film Dirty Dancing, which Jennifer Grey was in, and won an Oscar for, no she did, don’t check the Internet, she did, in fact she won TWO. Anyway, the point is that if Chelsee, the “Baby” of Strictly, keeps on dancing like this, NOBODY will put her in the (metaphorical dance) corner!

You should have been here last week Jennifer. You would have seen her drop her watermelons.

(BAD’UM TISH!)

(Not really, that was a very serious and traumatic moment for us all, her LITTLE FACE etc etc, let’s move on).

Alesha follows by going “BOOM! MYSTIQUE LADIES COMING BACK STRONG! Because you see I was in the popular 90s girlband Mystique and you are also a dancer with much feminine mystiqu..” oh alright she doesn’t she just says the dance really suited her, and her musicality and leg-kicks alone made up for the bits where she doing the choreography 30 seconds behind Pasha. In the audience

*clap clap clap*

Mark Ramprakash applauds solemnly. My God can you imagine Series 4 Ramps being forced to do a Charleston? I think the Universe just accidentally shat out a two-headed mergoat at the horror.

Bruno follows by calling her a “FABULOUS FLAPPER!”. He definitely said “flapper”, I checked. She had so much energy that she drove the Charleston right to the limit. I don’t want to see what the limits of the Charleston looks like. Either it’s some 1970s Peter Fonda LSD flashback shit or it’s this. Craig closes by scaring the bejesus out of her by hinting that she had another slight wardrobe malfunction.

Eep

Oh Craig, you magnificent bastard.

Up to the Tessanine they mechanic and…I think Pasha’s trying to do a thing where he fans her skirt as they run up, which isn’t really happening but…nice try anyway. Anyway, once they’re up there, Tess deems “nobody puts Baby in the corner” as the line of the series. NO IT BLOODY ISN’T. For starters she didn’t even say that, and also the line of the series is clearly “HANDS HANDS HANDS SPATULSTIC BIG OLD BANANAS ON HER BACK!” (*DANCE-BREAK*). Tess asks Chelsee if having more training time this week paid off. She says yes it did. Tess does not ask if having a dress that was held together with stitches rather than dental floss and sparrow-spit was also of some assistance. Tess says that now that we’re halfway through, does Pasha see Chelsee as a contender. He says yes, she is a force to be reckoned with, and she

Shhhhhwepps

shushes him. Personally I’m just hoping for better than his WUZZROBBED 5TH PLACE IN THE SEMIS performance on So You Think You Can Dance. Scores are in –

*herp*

36. I choose to believe Chelsee is doing a bit of a burp there.

Holly Skirting-Board & The Ashy Grey Shell Of Artem Chigvintsev dancing the jive

grrrrrrooooooooan

So. Many. Painkillers.

Apparently last week Holly and Artem were playing the role of love-struck swans, and an old couple started throwing bread at them.

urrrrrrgh

Please Bruce, he’s in enough AGONISING WOOBY PAIN as it is.

VT now, and Holly was really pleased with her American Smooth last week, because it got her her highest score yet – 35. Also, and far more importantly

WOOT

she and Artem blatantly had the best costumes of the night. In fact Artem liked the face-paint so much he’s kept it for this week’s…oh, no, wait, that’s the fracture. Carry on.

To “training”, where Holly is struggling with the speed of the jive and I’m struggling with

*filth*

Photoshopping this into something can sell to the Daily Mail for £50. Any professional help? I’ll give you a 10% cut! Anyway, Holly says that she’s a total sloth and can’t move above the speed of a gentle trot and Artem compares the level of the energy in the music he’s chosen to the level of commitment given by Holly

HE CARED TOO MUCH ABOUT THE DANCING!

also serving as a neat reminded of Dan Lobb’s ballroom hold.

Anyway, the solution to Holly’s lack of speed is

Vrrm vrrrm

I dunno, some cars or shit. BRING ON ARTEM IN EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL PAAAAAAAIN! (I do love that Holly makes it very clear that she is bankrolling the entire second half of the VT which includes a helicopter, a high-tech sports car, hire of an entire race-track for the day, and a visit from the boss of McLaren, as if to say “LOL AT YOU SAYING I’M ONLY HERE FOR THE PAY-CHEQUE!”.) (I also love that if features her calling Artem “Artie”). (I also love

WHEEEEEEE

this).

To the dance-floor and

*SPEW*

we start with a tight-in shot on her, presumably because he just chucked up all over emogirl82’s hair. AND SHE WAS SO HAPPY AFTER DOING JAZZ! SO TYPICAL! THIS IS GOING ON HER BLOG! They’re jiving to some Bruno Mars song and I was already for this to be blow-away amazing following her training footage (from It Takes Two, not that race-car rubbish) and…it just isn’t. I do appreciate

hunch punch

the avoiding of just doing a bunch of tramp-kicking. The choreography’s very swing, very loose, very laid-back, which suits her personality, it’s just that she can’t really keep up with it once they get off the stage. She’s just a bit too tentative which, on reflection, may be because she’s worried about actually knocking his head off his actual shoulders. She’s also not helped by the most iff-fitting suit I’ve seen outside of this series of Apprentice Babies.

WHEE!

THE END!

It gets a standing ovation, apart from two old dears who just

No dear, not for us.

WILL NOT GIVE. Silly modern music. Bruce commiserates her on some sort of error involving her braces I must have missed whilst Artem thinks

GLASNOSSSSSSST

“I’M COMING GRANDMA! I’LL BE WALKING INTO THE LIGHT WITH YOU AND ARTEM SR SOON!”. Alesha starts by saying that she looked exhausted throughout, but it was full of energy! Thanks Leesh! It was a very cool and sophisticated jive, which really suited Holly, well done. Bruno follows, saying that he loved how creative it was, and he loved her swagger, but really I’m distracted by the very childish revenge going on at him from behind.

hurr hurr from behind

One night stand? Oh Bruno, you CAD. He finishes by saying the girls are definitely on top. which thankfully does not BURN THE INTERNET DOWN like it did when he said it in Series 6.

Craig follows by saying that he absolutely loved the concept, and also the energy it brought out of Holly. In the audience Tom McFlea thinks

POUT!

so Kristina, you think YOU can do Background Bitch-Face? WATCH THIS! Jennifer Grey finishes with her last comment of the evening “please pay the bearer Jennifer Dirtydancing Grey the sum of not more than five thousand pounds”. It really encapsulates her entire stay doesn’t it? BRAVA JEN, BRAVA!

Up to the Tessanine they slope

Ooooow

in AGONISING SOUL-TEARING TORMENT where we’re lucky Tess doesn’t greet them by patting him on the back. Hard. Holly says that she is in awe of Artem’s cool choreography, particularly as they had to change the whole thing at the last minute to accommodate the fact that his left arm dropped off and he can’t move his entire right testicle at all. It’s in a little mini-sling bless it. Kara knitted it. It’s got a little love-heart on. Tess asks her if her mate David Walliams liked it, and Holly says that she paid him off before the show so he’d better. (TEAM SPOILED LAZY RICH BITCH HOLLY FOR THE WIN!/FINAL FOUR!). Scores are in – 34.


45 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 6 Performance

  1. Ferny

    Poor Artem 😦 He likes to pack the drama into his Strictly term time doesn’t he?

    If Zoe says that Lulu was such a MASSIVE SHOCK again, Martin Offiah will have to restrain me. A shock? I know they all have to polite and act like its a bit of a surprise, but they’re going rather OTT since she is at the bottom of the leaderboard. Is Lulu’s ego that sensitive it must be pandered to at all times?

    Reply
    1. Monaogg

      I think Lulu knew they were out as soon as they got up to the Tessanine. What other reason would she have to break out the We-ee-ee-ee-ee-llllll

      Reply
    1. Carl

      Was the fence-painting scene supposed to be from Tom Sawyer (or Huck Finn, whichever)? I couldn’t tell.

      You always catch these great moments. I never saw the woman giving two fingers behind Bruno’s head. In the photo it looks like she’s doing some strange scratch of the chin of the man behind her.

      After seeing a bunch of caps of Harry (for purely educational reasons) during and after the samba I think he was allowed to keep some of his chest hair. There were some where he was in the Tessanine with his chest exposed until he realized and then buttoned it up. There’s still this strangely endearing ‘Am I oncamera?’ quality to Harry, even though I assume his band has plenty of camera experience. If he was more aware of his looks and tried to mannipleate viewers, he’d probably be gone in a shock boot within a few weeks.

      I think this blase attitude is also why Holly hasn’t attracted the hate I was expecting, and even thought I might have for her. When you think about it it’s amazing she had a VT devoted to the fancy toys she has in her life, and there was no backlash whatsoever. I actually liked her suit, design problems aside.

      I couldn’t stop laughing at what you wrote about Arlene and Ramps. That’s just so damn hilarious – only when I read your recaps do I sort of miss her. Jennifer Grey’s best work was in this recap, even if she had the same facial expression in every photo.

      Russell and Flavia look like they’re wearing polka dot bandages around their waists. Why are they trying to make us think Russell has no eyes?

      I agree with you about Jason’s rumba, and the VT. I’m so glad you didn’t include the graphic closeups of his expansive chest hair. Some evil person wants viewers to associate a furry chest with the Donovan. The waxing industry, perhaps.

      Reply
      1. monkseal Post author

        It’s the man giving two fingers, whilst scratching his chin. Reminds me of school when you’d scratch the corners of both your eyes at a teacher you didn’t like. So mature.

        With Harry I think that’s two week’s growth post waxing. So sparse, so patchy. Tsk.

        I did love Holly’s VT best – there’s something really likable and alive about her that maybe wards off some of the obvious crit, although maybe that was just everyone being distracted by Artem’s injury this week. I guess we’ll see if/when she hits the Bottom 2 for the first time.

    2. Carl

      Sorry, I meant to reply below.

      My judges panel was Ian, Lilia, Craig, and the Man in the Hat. Ian and Craig go without saying, Lilia for some bitchy and fun comments, and the Man in the Hat because he’s the heart and soul of Strictly.

      Reply
    3. monkseal Post author

      I went for Craig, Bruno, Alesha and Karen in the end. I forget my thought processes. I think Karen would stick up for the mens in a less obnoxious way than Len does, whilst still being ridiculous enough that everyone could take the piss and moan about how she talks rubbish, just like the rest.

      Reply
  2. tal27

    I think I was watching someone else’s charleston when Anita was on – she looked like she was swivelling in thick custard (don’t tell Aliona). Any other series, that would have got 5s and 6s at the most. She is like a reverse quickstep – all the action goes on above waistlevel.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      This was one of those shows where I liked everything better second time around when recapping them. I’m glad it happened at least once this series.

      Reply
  3. Robbie

    I laughed and laughed and laughed at that whole re-cap… The range of your references and the intricacy of your wit are just brilliant.

    Reply
  4. kassieq

    Hilarius, thanks.

    Loved the pic of Nancy, this how we rida Vespa in Italia, easy no. Ms Grey bringing her pets to SCD, customs obviously didn’t spot the snake she had hidden in her hair.

    Reply
  5. joanne

    LOL whilst very sympathetic with Artems injury , i had to laugh at your descriptions 🙂 🙂 but i thought Chelsee and the gorgeous Pasha were the best dance again 🙂

    Reply
  6. Missfrankiecat

    How am I the only one to want Wiggy on the panel (1.8%??) Jason’s serial killer face screencap is something I will treasure for ever. In my house we laughed almost as much as for Bacofoil.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Surely it can’t be just one person when it’s a higher % than Arsey Bussel or Jennifer Grey? Maths, miss, Maths.

      Reply
  7. Left Feet

    Don’t really care who else makes the final apart from Chelsee (and Pasha) of course but I picked Holly and Harry to be the also rans.

    Reply
  8. Embee

    I think this may be my favourite recap this series, several ‘tea meets screen’ moments, and a mention of William McGonagall – for that I forgive you not knowing the Karate Kid wax on, wax off reference. (obviously too young…)

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I knew “wax on, wax off” the same wasy as I know all the Dirty Dancing references – cultural osmosis. The fence stuff though…

      Reply
  9. Kelly

    Arlene’s RPF with Mark made me laugh out loud.

    My panel – Craig (obviously), Ian (miss him), Lilia (after her reaction to the zero score on ITT I’d love to see her reactions to some of the dances) and Alesha (because I love how much it annoys some people on the internet that she’s on the panel).

    Reply
    1. trundles

      Kelly, that is almost the perfect panel for me too. Craig is a given and your Ian+Lilia combination is inspired! I cannot vote for Alesha though… and I cannot figure out a suitable replacement. Arlene/Len/Bruno doesn’t feel right and my original thought of Marion Keyes would presumably lead to some sort of Keyes+Kopylova cascading chain reaction type thing. “ZERO! HOW DID I GET ZERO?”

      Reply
  10. Left Feet

    How about a Strictly celeb winners panel of Alesha (Head Judge), Jill, Mark and Tom. The forums would blow up, which would be fun.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      For maximum forum carnage it should be the worst dancers surely? So Kerplunk, Gough, Hollins, and then there could be an even more stupid OTT argument over who the fourth should be. (Whoever winds up winning this series probably…)

      Reply
      1. Left Feet

        I left out Kara because her man is still dancing on the show. But yes that would create a lot of forum fun/hate.

    2. Neio

      Oh please don’t even joke about Tom on the panel. He’d probably still be going on about missing his honeymoon at every opportunity.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s