X Factor – Club Classics Week

How ironic that Floorfillers Week should see the most concerted effort thus far to flush the show of half its cast.

Johnny Robinson : Oh Johnny. I guess once Gary Barlow, apparent King Of Mentors and boring the shit out of me decided that you were RUINING the credibility of the show with your rampant poofery, you were on borrowed time. When you went from tasteful, refined, spurned, yearning, sexless shadow poofery from loud and aggressive and predatory poofery you upset his chi and scared him. It was always going to happen – not everyone can handle that sort of weirdness, and promising that you’d make an honest man of him afterwards by marrying him only made things worse. At least you went out on a triumph. You Spin Me Round was a full-throated triumph, that demonic grin when The Risk got the despatch was a delight, and that sing-out, where you kicked Kitty’s arse up and down the street and ended with a triumphant “yeah, I know I’m screwed” gesture right down the barrel of the show. We’ll ignore the whole dalliance with Madonna. There’s not many who would have worn that well. We’ve all been there. How sad that you never got to perform in drag. Ah well, there’s always the final. They’ll probably stick you in the comedy group of joke auditionees as well.

Janet Devlin : I can’t decide if I like New Bitchy Janet Devlin or not. She always seemed like such a frail wannabe before, but now she’s spiting Kelly and changing up her song choices and taking control of the destiny of her hair and everything. It’s going to be a cold hard world for her now that her best elderly gay friend is gone, and I can understand why she’d have to throw a shield up. As for her performance this week? It’s odd, because she forgot the words, horribly, and easy words. And then there was the long horrible wait for her to forget them again, because they were part of the chorus. And yet…I still liked her more than I’ve liked her any other week. Maybe it’s because she’s stopped doing Live Action Roleplay as a Goth Pixie called Noxima. I’m convinced this is the Real Her (tm The Weasel) but…it’s a Better Her.

Biscuit Factory : Ugh. So now that the Final Two is clearly going to be Marcus vs Biscuit (and LOL at all the out-n-proud homos BLOSSOMING on this show in a Post-Simon Era) it’s time to take sides, and I honestly can’t get behind this one. He seems nice enough, and his voice is alright in an 80s lite sort of way, but the constant “LOOK AT HIM PUSHING OUT AGAINST HIS BOUNDARIES VIA THE MAGIC OF THEME WEEKS” followed by him…singing another ballad is too too much. Just because it’s a ballad with a good-awful dance break in it doesn’t make it Theme From S Express. I did love Louis calling him a “young Gary Barlow” as well, partly because “you remind me of a young X” is one of my very favourite Louis memes, and partly because “a young Gary Barlow” is exactly what Gary is trying to hammer him into not being. MAKE HIM DANCE! MAKE HIM EMOTE RATHER THAN SINGING SWATHED IN LIME JELLY! MAKE HIM THIN! MAKE HIM EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE! So sad. I guess think makes Frankie the Robbie, Marcus the Mark Owen and the whole competition just an attempt for him to re-write Take That. It’s all so clear now!

The Risk : I cannot believe that after the first week I a) thought they might win, b) thought they were one of the best groups the show ever had, c) praised Tulisa for her song choices. Now, a month later, they’re gone. Well…three-quarters of them are gone, and one of them wasn’t even one of their quarters to begin with. I think the focus on Derry, who managed to make Frankie Cock’s pursuit of women look tasteful and charming, was possibly the beginning of the end, along with a healthy dose of X Factor mud-slinging over who should be the lead singer. Of course that always sinks a group sooner or later, but I can’t imagine they wanted it to happen this quickly. And then…”A Night To Remember”? Oh dear. Oh no. They were out the door before the noises had even left their bodies. The only reason I’m sad is that their JLS endorsement falling so flat means that they have officially passed the torch to One Dimension/Wanda Rection/Whatever. I’m not sure Curly is ready for that crown just yet.

Marcus Collins : I love that he was in a thing called “the Marcus Collins Band”. How very 90s, and therefore how very Liverpool 00s (/Jamie from The Apprentice). I’m not sure I’m so in love with the show’s obvious branding of him as the male Alexandra Burke, with him needing to make his POOR FAMILY PROUD and also this being his Candyman up-tempo throwback performance. Not in as much as I didn’t think Alexandra Burke was a great X Factor contestant and worthy winner (although the whole X FACTOR 5 WAS THE ONLY GOOD ONE AND AMAZING AND RUTH LORENZO 4EVA thing is older than Bruce Forsythe at this point) but because it means he’ll be back in three series acting like a rampaging arse. Actually, given how hard the show’s going to deliberately tank the winner’s career to justify Simon Cowell’s eternal supremacy, more like two.

Kitty Brucknell : I’m lost as to whether the show wants us to like her at this point. It keeps on insisting she has a strong voice when in fact she sounds like a vacuum cleaner grand prix (that sing-off was…not good). It keeps on trying to make us like whilst simultaneously undermining her by showing her being very demanding and pretentious with her staging choices (a post-apocalyptic Sister Act 2? Surely the original Sister Act 2 was post-apocalyptic enough? In that it came after Sister Act, in an era when wild Lauren Hill’s walked the earth?). I dunno, in the end we wound up with a desperately CONTROVERSIAL performance of Like A Prayer that was 2% as controversial as the original, sang poorly and staged amateurish. Worst of all…I’m not sure I can ever forgive her for taking out Johnny before he could do drag. It’s not her fault, really, but there we are. Watching the show argue over whether she or Johnny would sell more albums was a bit like watching someone argue over whether Ricky Gervais is more obnoxious on tv or more obnoxious on twitter.

Frankie Cock : I’m almost impressed. That VT was FULL-ON post-cheating doe-eyes “I’m sorry I’m such scum, I don’t know why you love me, I’m garbage, please, I know I don’t deserve one more chance but…” stuff. And it worked! IT ACTUALLY WORKED! Despite him churning out hands-down one of the worst X Factor performances ever, croaking through a thoroughly misguided song choice, out-of, tune, wandering around aimlessly, not at all interested in trying to put on a performance. How sad it is that Louis is the only one with enough life experience to see through all that and throw the proper spurned housewife “NO! YOU’RE A SHIT! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” plate-throwing tantrum that it deserved. Poor Kelly didn’t even know what hit her. And somewhere in the middle, Frankie creeps into the Top 7, possibly to try to crack on with Lady Gaga. The very thought.

Misha B. Nanas I’m going to appreciate the Misha B show, which currently exists entirely separately to the main show, where she is just BETTER than everyone else, until it gets cancelled in a few weeks time. I’m going to studiously ignore awful things like that VT where her entire family give her the bums rush, and instead just think about wonderful things like her glorious hair, her ridiculous dancing, and that superb spoken word bit at the opening of her song about the POWAH OF MUSIC. THE POWAH!

BixMix : Now, officially, going by past precedent, one of only four acts still in with a chance of winning the show, and the undisputed winner of the groups category. And a GIRLBAND whilst we’re at it. A girlband who were only really granted individual identities outside of “that one that’s a bit bigger than the others and the others” this week. Well…we were told where they were from, which really is as close as it gets on this show. Now Louis can say they have all of LOADS OF PLACES voting for them. In terms of their performance this was Week 2 levels of bollocks, but who am I stand in the way of the very real women they very really represent in a very real, BixMix way?


8 thoughts on “X Factor – Club Classics Week

  1. Carl

    I’m going to miss Johnny. He had such a unique voice, one I’ve never heard on any of these shows, and surprisingly, at times it was actually unique as in damn good, not just car crash point and laugh. I absolutely loved that Darkness performance, and Round and Round. I even liked his version of Unchained Melody, which must have been a desperate plea to get Simon to run into the studio and save him. I didn’t like Hung Up, but I think people assume these Madonna songs are a breeze to sing. As Kitty also proved, they really only work with Madonna. It doesn’t help that many may associate the song with the video where Madonna kept bending over and spreading her legs in the dayglo leotard.

    I only watch the clips and hadn’t watched Craig until this week. Is it me or does he look like a young Martin Clunes? And was he completely out of tune during the uptempo section? I enjoyed his version of the song more than Brian Adams, but I hate this song, so that’s not saying very much.

    Kitty’s OK, but Kitty seems like one of those people who believes she’s very interesting and therefore she must be. I love “Beautiful Disaster”, when Kelly sings it. Kitty was a little overwrought, and goaty. And is she styling herself after Michaela McQueen?

    1. monkseal Post author

      Oh yeah, Craig was totally out-of-tune as soon as he had to move, only proving this week’s “YOU TRIUMPHED OUTSIDE OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE!” stuff entirely untrue, and demonstrably so right down to the millisecond. But hey ho.

  2. Ferny

    lol I can just imagine Gary sat at home masterminding a new Take That based on what he wished he’d been like, and how he views Robbie (i.e. like Frankie) – which just shows how warped Gary’s view of Robbie is.
    But anyway, whenever I get peeved at Mr Barlow, I just think back to when I went to see Take That in concert and we were very close to the side of the stage and during an energetic dance number Gary actually ran and hid behind a prop box, just crouching there for at least a minute because he can’t dance. I can’t hate him simply because of that 🙂

  3. Neio

    So one of the gour first-week eliminees is going to be voted back into the show after Frankie Cokeupthenozza’s departure. I’m kind of hoping it’ll be 2 Shoes, but have a feeling it’ll be Amelia Lily.

    1. Dee

      Id like 2 Shoes back to but given that 1Shoe is either still pregnant or just had a baby (I dont know which) I can’t imagine the XFactor hoopla would be the best thing for her. Amelia’s the best of the rest I guess.

      1. soozuk

        Ditto on all 3 counts – I think Amelia will be the likeable, more talented, less worrying version of Kitty and that’ll finally mean Kitty gets voted off.

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