Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 6 Results Summary

Jennifer Grey is still here. And still superfluous. Except for the transformation of Len’s Glans into Jen’s Glans and an admission that she wimped out of being in any way critical or useful in the performance show she doesn’t really do much, except exacerbate Craig’s spiralling Head Judge mania, as he minces around the show recap cackling like Scar in the The Lion King. I’m guessing Len’s arrival at Heathrow is about to be interrupted by a very convenient wildebeast stampede…

The theme of the pro dances for the evening is BOYS vs GIRLS. And the winner is…erm…nobody? The girls roll around the floor to Beyonce acting more like strippers than any women on this show have acted in any routine ever. Choreographed by Aliona, natch. Meanwhile the boys are choreographed by Mandy Moore in a rare fail as they dance around mic-stands like Westlife pretending to be the Rat Pack, accompanied by MATTFLINTMANIA from “So You Think You Can Get Cancelled?”. This is because Artem is not well, as evidenced by him stumbling around the set barging into everything screaming in pain like the Thin Man from the Charlie’s Angels movies. SUCH TORMENT. SO MANY FEELINGS.

Musical guests this week are…Jesus Wept it’s Westlife and Bruce. All in the one show. They’re not even performing together to get the pain over with quickly. Bruce sings his new song “I’ll Be Dead Soon”, and Westlife do Flying Without Wings with the floor strewn with Annie Lennox memorial candles. The gay ones howls like Chewbacca in lieu of singing. Fabulous.

Actual results? It’s an Audley vs Bloody Lulu bottom 2, but miracle upon miracles, Audley scrapes through another week, somehow, surpassing even Nancy in the BOTTOMTWOGODDESS stakes. It’s Bloody Lulu going home then, and she’s as graceless about it as I hoped. Sullen, downcast, not even bothering to thank Brenda… OH WELL, NEVER MIND.

Len’s back next week then…oh well, can’t have everything.


25 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 6 Results Summary

  1. Allgrownup

    Cackling like Scar in the Lion King!!! How very true 😀

    The lack of proper INJURY PORN was startling but oh so appropriate for a series that is not producing the goods. Shame! I would have liked a montage.

    Pro dances were crap, but at least I could rely on you for a WHO RUN DA WORLD? KATYA!!! 😀

  2. Stormy

    Good god, who let Aliona choreograph something? I’m all for being innovative, but that girl seems to mistake innovative for sleazy. It’s not the sex part that bothers me as much as the cheap desperation that oozes off of an Aliona choreographed dance. “LOOK AT MY COOTER AND TELL ME I’M PRETTY! PLEASE? HOW ABOUT MY ASS? IS THAT PRETTY? TELL ME I’M SEXY AND DANGEROUS!” I always feel my hand reaching for the mace when she comes on the screen.

    1. monkseal Post author

      The bit where she made them pulse their vaginas at the word “devour” was…very gynaecological. And a bit David Cronenberg body-horror.

  3. Pasta

    Artem, MattFlintMania and TOO MANY FEELINGS? I’m having Angry Luke flashbacks and I’ve only just put it behind me, Curse you, Monkseal.

  4. joanne

    I will miss Brendan but wasn’t keen on lulu…he deserves a partner who can at least stand up straight, although she moved her ass in the final dance and looked like she had some moves so why not on the blooming show ? I love Artem and feel sorry that he is injured but enough with the going on about it , he’s a pro dancer and injurys won’t be new and he isn’t stupid he wouldn’t have danced if he couldn’t and i know he doesn’t really like harping on about it either…the way claudia and the net have been going on though you would think he had developed a cure for cancer …and poor sweet holly rme…the girl did what any decent human being would do and helped a guy in pain, doesn’t mean shes mother theresa or suddenly become dancing queen either….and on that note my moaning ass is out 🙂 🙂

    1. monkseal Post author

      I can NEVER GET ENOUGH of injured Artem. I hope he watches this week’s dance with Holly & Brendan glowering over the balcony on crutches.

  5. Carl

    I have this strange mental image of someone calling Audley a bottomgod and then Audley gives them a right hook.

    I couldn’t get past how unflattering most of the trousers were for the men in their pro dance. James in particular. They seemed to declare war on the arse and crotch of anyone who wore them. Meanwhile, Robin overdoing it was as much fun as ever. What was he doing in his solo section?? I just wish Anton had been around for this. This faux-machismo stuff always provides some laughs with Anton.

    All I could do when the ladies were dancing was, every time Ola came on, I yelled, “SHAKIRA SHAKIRA!”

  6. Poppy

    Apparently Bruce has an album to pimp, which must be why Wilnelia let him stay up past his bedtime, although it was probably filmed before yesterday’s first show. I found the running order a bit odd this week, with the saved celebs popping up on Claud 9, then Jen’s Glans was there, then they were all back again. It’s almost as if this isn’t filmed in the order in which it is shown.
    *Shock: The Horror*

    I was appreciating the Assistant Choreographer action, and while Artem gave good Injury Porn face while being allowed to sit down on the sofa on account of his extreme agony, the background coverage wasn’t nearly extensive enough for my taste. I’m putting all my trust in ITT to come up with the goods. Does anyone know what’s wrong with him? I feel obliged to point out that I do hope he feels better very soon.

    Why wasn’t Bloody Lulu allowed to compete solo for the whole series? She obviously felt she’d have done better without Brenda. (BTW, I’m now understanding why she was Bloody Lulu…I had to ask at the start of the series, if you remember.)

    1. monkseal Post author

      I loved how the veneer of professional cameraderie between her and Brenda VANISHED LIKE A BUFFY VAMPIRE GETTING STAKED the second she knew she was going home.

      1. Poppy

        I think Erin was farting along with Sir Bruce, and wasn’t part of the Vibrators R Us group dance.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Maybe she was sorry she was eliminated looking vaguely normal this year and wanted to come back and redress things?

  7. Kate kingsley

    Oh, and funniest moment of the results show for me was when Bloody Lulu and Audley were up in Claud 9: random interjections of canned applause while the audience in the background were resolutely *not* applauding.

  8. isolde

    This is supposed to be a show about ballroom dancing, so could out pros please do that, instead of trying to be Pan’s people, or just mincing around microphones? Pretty please.
    I kept staring at the substitute dancer and thinking “I’m sure I know you from somewhere”, but the penny didn’t drop till Monday morning.
    How soon we forget.
    And if he choreographed that, he should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

    1. Poppy

      Claud said he was the *Assistant* choreographer, and according to Monkseal it was a Mandy Moore special, so I think the plaudits (or otherwise) should go to her. The dancing round the mike stands did seem to get a little eratic by the end.

      1. monkseal Post author

        I am only guessing it was Mandy because IIRC he said he was going to be working with her throughout the series. I may be wrong. (*I know, I know, the very thought*)

  9. Mark

    Artem has a fractured transverse process of his lumbar spine. You can’t dance with that if it’s true. Brenda is dancing with Holly for now.

    1. joanne

      i do feel for him and realize that on sat he didnt know it was a fracture, however it shouldnt stop him dancing in a few weeks if he rests it now….im actually looking forward to seeing brendan dance with holly at least the height issue wont be a problem 🙂 but i do hope Artem rests his back and is ok soon 🙂


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