Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 5 Performance

Like all horror sequels, a little bit more gruesome and a little bit less exciting than its predecessor.

Previously on Strictly : Robbie became a Love Man, Russell became a Strictly Legend (apparently), Holly became a pole dancer not from Poland, Chelsee became a flight attendant, the stairs to the Tessanine became the hip new place to hang out, Harry didn’t really become a 10 but got one anyway, Nancy became a cape, she was the CAPE Tess THE CAPE, and the occupancy on Erin Island became one higher as our favourite comedian left the competition. And so did Rory. I’LL MISS THE ERINLOLS!

This week :

Picture unconnected

WIDDY’S BACK! And the quality of

Lame

hats, in absentia Katya, continues to plunge. You’d never catch her wearing that. Oh yes and it’s Hallowe’en Week.

OH NOOOOO!

Oh Jason, don’t fret. This was quite good last year. Oh, no, wait, that’s just your face. Never mind.

LIVE!

BUM!

Nice to see the editors know where the money is in some of these parternships (that’s Ola arse, by the way) (no I’m not talking about James).

To the floor now and

Cough splutter cough

OH NO, ALEX, BLOODY LULU AND HOLLY HAVE BROKEN DOWN ON THE WAY TO THE DRESSING ROOMS! To be fair, Alex isn’t used to driving any car which isn’t operated by bicycle peddles, so you can see where the problem has arisen. The judges advise us all to

DURN ERN DERN DERN DERN DERN DERN DERN

turn over to X Factor until this mechanical car fault is sorted (/used as a smoke machine for the rest of the evening. Nobody said this show wasn’t resourceful). Then the pro dancers join in and

PLEASE?!

BEG US to switch over to X Factor, because this is going to be even worse for them. Worse than Ghostbusters. (They really should have done a Ghostbusters 2 themed routine. Natalie dressed as a boogying Statue Of Liberty, Artem as VIGO, and I’d be more than happy to cover Pasha with my river of ectopla[JOKE REDACTED]). That’s right, it’s going to be

Altogether...OOKY

an Addams Family themed routine. As a handy guide, Chelsee is Wednesday, Audley is Lurch, Nancy is Morticia, Anita’s Grandma, Harry’s Gomez (I bet Nancy lobbied pretty damned hard for that one), Robbie’s Cousin It, Jason is Nosferatu, and Russell is the Go Compare Man. I don’t remember him being in The Addams Family, but there we are. The dance itself is a lot of people awkwardly jigging about to the edge of the dance-floor then running out of space and sort of hovvering on the spot. Admittedly I am mostly picking this entire routine out

GURN ARG GURN

from around the edge of Jason’s face. Less Cousin Fester so much as Camera Molester. Robbie in particular looks like he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on and someone needs to tell Audley/the choreographer that

YOU RAAAAAAAAAAAANG?

the whole point of Lurch was kind of that he DIDN’T pull faces, but Alex gives good scared face (admittedly probably because she thinks it’s all real)

What?

and Chelsee and Harry seem the most in control of their characters. Nancy is playing the whole thing like she’s had a lobotomy, which is kind of fun as well (although in Nancy’s case, a lobotomy would probably make her MORE on the ball).

What? No Pubert?

The end! (I don’t think it’s any accident that they’ve done that up to look like the sort of thing you’d get at the end of a tacky fairground ride. That’s…kind of the theme this evening, to a greater extent even than Hallowe’en is).

That over with (about 3 hours ago) it’s time for the hosts to emerge. Tess Dress Watch yields

Hmmm...

a glittery bin-liner, which is practically Dior compared to the excrescences of last weekend. Bruce makes a joke about how he is nearly dead (I notice there are less of these this year. When it’s…actually becoming true. Well, more so anyway) and niceterseeyou yields a shot of

RAH RAH RAH

this member of the Royal Family. She’s certainly inherited her mother’s…dignity hasn’t she? Bruce then guides us through a joke about how Simon Cowell knocked on his door and begged him to join him on the other side, as a guest judge on X Factor. The thought of Bruce watching a Misha B performance is so exciting to me that I actually want this to happen. Other than this, the joke is

Erp gerp

most enlivened by energetic face-pulling from Tess. One day the RSC will come a-knocking Tess. ONE DAY. Oh, and a hint as to

CLAP CLAP CLAP

who’s going to end up playing Eggwina to Russell’s Widdy next year. So to speak.

Monster performances, spooky scoring, the UNSPEAKABLE TERROR OF BEING ELIMINATED (what, is Erin Island also in fact the Island of Dr Moreau?) it’s time to introduce the stars of our show.

TO BE SURE!

Oh Kristina – St Patrick’s Day Week isn’t until March. By which time this show will be over. Probably.

Once everyone’s out, Bruce asks them if they’re all ok, given Robbie’s nose-injury and Russell’s knee injury, both which required an ice-pack apparently. Bruce on the other hand needed an ice pack following Alex’s rumba last week

SLURP SLURP

BECAUSE IT WAS SO SEXY, WASN’T IT SEXY EVERYONE, LEN WAS ALSO

gobble gobble

VERY SEXUALLY AROUSED (most scary sight of Hallowe’en Week yes?) PLEASE DON’T QUIT THE SHOW ALEX!

WHERE CAN HE BE?

Oh, wait, hang on a minute (*checks script*) WHERE’S CRAIG, CHILDREN?

BOOO!

Oh, right, there he is. My favourite part of his entrance is when he tries to get everyone to chant his catchphrase (“DISAHHHHHSTER!”) back at him and everyone ignores him. Sometimes the show goes too panto even for this audience. Bruce tells everyone if they manage to stick the broomstick up Craig’s arse they can go straight through to next week’s show. Well…it makes more sense as a system than the dance-off did most of the time.

Up in Spaceship Karen this week? It’s

GRRR!

Adam Garcia. Despite the Hallowe’en theme, Karen’s hair is still less terrifying than it was in Khoreography Korner this week.

The Cacodemon & An Imp dancing the samba

grarrrgh

Is he auditioning for the role of Him in a live action movie of The Powerpuff Girls? If so, I’m all for it. Bruce tells us that apparently this week Russell was planning for their dance to revolve around the theme of Carmen Miranda, you know, the woman who used to dance around with fruit on her head. But then they decided that it’d be too risky for Flavia to do that lift, given his knee. (LOLGAYJOKE!)

In VT (by the way, Bruce still says “here they are in training”. Biggest laugh of the week!) we’re reminded that last week,

HOW DRUNK WAS I?!

Russell woke up to a woman for the first time since that drunken evening with Jeannette Krankie that we don’t talk about any more. He says that he really really enjoyed it (HE’S ON THE TURN!) and he’s so proud of the nocturnal nightmarish dreamscape that Flavia created with her 90 second narrative. He’s glad that at least

BRUNO GOT IT!

Bruno got it! We all got it dear, it wasn’t Donnie Darko.

We’re also treated to a lot of shots of Bruce

hiss spit

pawing at Russell and telling him that he’s what showbusiness is all about. I think you’re probably a bit late in life to starting the whole “experimentation phase” now Bruce. (Oblig. “Poor Wilnelia” goes here, although to be fair, it’s probably a relief). We’re also given a brief preview of “The Perils Of Russell’s Knees” although given as how that’s probably going to be a long-term storyline, I think it’ll save.

In trai…comedy VT news, Russell thinks that the training room he shares with Flavia is haunted, because he can hear the sound of a baby crying in the distance. Oh Russell, that’s not a ghost, that’s just Baby Wars ramping up, somewhere over the horizon. But we’ll get to that. Anyway, Russell looked up and saw a presence

Woo woo

Again Russell, that’s not a presence, it’s just that Jimi’s waiting for his squeeze up on the balcony and Flavia cooked up a mean saag aloo last night. The gas! It’s not worth thinking about! The answer to this haunting?

GHOSTBUSTERS!

Dress up as a ghostbuster and investigate! With one of Flavia’s more…industrial toys. It turns out in the end the haunting is the work of a

Hello sailor

skeleton prostitute, who’s just looking for a good time before it passes on over to the other side, so she, Flavia and Russell have a threesome

SHOCK HORROR DAILY MAIL!

and the haunting is over! Phew!

To the dancefloor now (I know, it’s a wonder they still bother with this bit isn’t it?) and

Flaming

it’s time for the ultimate revenge of the arm-hankies! Russell and Flavia waft around in arm-hanky hell, then wiggle out and…do Russell Party Latin again. I’m surprised Flavia has front-loaded their schedule with them so much, but I guess it’s a reliable crowd-pleaser and means she doesn’t have to teach him too many new steps too quickly. It’s a little more muted and less full-on than these dances usually are (which may be to do with his knee), and he is clearly having to rely on copying Flavia towards the end. To be honest I spend most of the dance

Such a tail

wishing I had Flavia’s tail. And you can interpret that any way you want. We do get our first recorded edition of the

BOOB BONGOS!

boob-bongos though, which is a novelty. Other than that

OOOOH DUCKY!

new balls please.

Up on the Tessanine,

MINE!

Nancy practices doing evil faces for her dance. Either that or she’s spotted Holly hovering near the champagne. HANDS OFF HOLLY, THAT’S FOR NANCY!

They devil over to Bruce, who drools over Flavia for a good long while, before introducing Davearch and his Wonderful Orchestra

WHERE'S MY MAN?!

Sorry Davearch, that was me. When I’m denied my Man In The Hat fix, I get a bit stabby. Bruce reassures all us worrying about Health & Safety that Craig did have a safety harness for his descent via broomstick, AROUND HIS NECK!

LOL THEY HANGED ME!

14 minutes in and we’ve already garotted Craig and anally raped him with a broomstick. And to think people were considering complaining to OFCOM over a bit of crotch-grabbing.

Len starts for the judges, saying that when Russell came through the flames he must have caught his bum alight because he really started dancing! I know my first thought if I was on fire would be to “let’s do a dance to Kylie Minogue!”. I’m not THAT gay thank you very much(…maybe Lady Gaga). Unfortunately there were a few mistakes unfortunately, but Russell has the Feelgood Factor, so who cares?

Alesha follows, who has apparently

You int sin me. Roit?

found a carpet she’d quite like to nick, it’s alright, nobody will notice, and says that she wants nothing more from Strictly than Kylie music and Russell Grant. Some of us do aim our sights a LITTLE higher, although it is admittedly a forlorn hope these days. Well done on your bounce, and overcoming your knee, and getting the party started! In the audience

ANGER!

the bitterness radiates off Biggins visibly. Nice Harry Potter costume though.

Bruno next, saying that Russell turned hell into a camp Heaven but he went wrong quite a few times, probably because Flavia bothered to put some content in there. Yeah Flavia, don’t bother. Just do 10 seconds of content and 80 seconds of stabbing one another in the bum with pitch-forks. IT’S HALLOWE’EN WEEK! Craig closes by saying that he’s one wig away from being Mystic Meg

Piss-take Meg

and that his dancing really let him down this week. Out of time and crappy botofogos. Boo. Nice double bounce though.

Up to the Tessanine now, and Tess asks Russell if he loved doing the samba, and he says that he did, but he did do a lot of the steps wrong. Flavia shushes him and says that nobody noticed, but Russell snorts “the judges did dear, they’re not daft”.

THIS KITTY'S GOT CLAWS!

Oooh, meow. But he loved it anyway, and he loved Flavia. Woo hoo! We also cover his knee, which is strapped up with a harness, much like most of the dancers this week. And Lulu’s face. Scores are in – 22

That actress whose name escapes me and OH MY GOD IT’S DR PASHA KOVALEV dancing the tango

Howdie

If Russell was channelling Grandpa Munster just now, then Pasha is giving it full on Eddie. No joke this week, although mercifully

WAK WAK OOPS!

Chelsee treats us to a reaction shot anyway. Even when Bruce’s jokes don’t exist they’re criminally unfunny.

In VT now, and we see that

WHAT A MESS.

backstage at Strictly really is an utter state. Are the cleaners on strike? I don’t want to look too closely in case someone’s left a used tampon in that garbage pile. Anyway, despite the disease pit that is the Strictly Green Room, Chelsee scored 36 and was top of the leaderboard. Well done Chelsee. Backstage, she and Pasha celebrate

*belch*

even as he spews miniature bats directly into her face. Now THERE’S a partnership.

Training now, and Pasha appears to be saying

DANCE THE BIRDY!

sod it to tango, and dancing the Birdie Song instead. Seems to be the best way to get 10s out of Alesha these days. But phew, Pasha says “now let’s never do that again” and goes back into traditional tango hold. He announces his intention to do a sexy tango, but Chelsee is not keen, as she’s not into being sexeh or seductev. As you can tell from the fact that she’s

Styling.

dressed as the off-cuts from a knitting class gone wrong. Pasha’s solution to this? Firstly a hat

So gothic, so spectacular.

truly befitting a member of Team Ka$ha (Natalie take note) and

ATTACk!

BABY WARS!

This is a nuclear strike befitting a Strictly pro of at least four years experience Pasha. Well done. It’s even better that there’s absolutely no logical purpose for it. Chelsee’s worried about being seductive, this isn’t even her own school…amazing. She says she’s glad that she’s more scared dancing for children than adults, because they have no filter. Anyway, the kids are cute, Chelsee and Pasha dance around, Pasha is quite good with children which provokes…feelings in me…I’m trying to hold off from talking about this dance as long as I can…alright let’s do it.

Out to the floor where Pasha

MWAH HA HA HA

is playing a Flubber style Mad Scientist, who has borrowed Patsy Kensit’s labs after last year’s failed experiment to build herself a new husband. As Pasha is twice the scientist Patsy will ever be, he at least manages to create himself a bride of the correct

WHEEE!

sexuality. Probably. They start their tango to “Love Potion #9” and it’s quite good – she’s very minxy and forceful and

DRAMARAMADINGDONG

there’s definitely a spark there but unfortunately about half-way through she has a wardrobe malfunction and her boobs fall out or her nipples fall out or…whatever, I’m not looking in too close detail, because if I’m honest the people going “DON’T WORRY CHELSEE, I WATCHED IT 17 TIMES AND ONLY SAW A BIT OF AREOLE! I THINK!” are giving me the wiggins almost as much as the people who are acting like she did it on purpose or…I don’t know, the slag deserved it for having a tit job or whatever people say in those comments that I stop reading after the first three words.

The important thing is that the whole of the end is a mess because she’s constantly adjusting herself and

SAD FACE

she looks most distraught when it’s over, apologising to Pasha over and over like it was her fault. Once they’re over at the judges Bruce is mostly sweet but well…

WHADDACARVEUP

I’m not sure this is a flattering angle for anyone.

Alesha starts for the judges saying that she’s got nothing worry about, because she covered so well and it didn’t detract from the dance at all. When she leaves the floor she should have a smile on her face, because her partnership with Pasha is working really well. I’m not sure that’s the first thought that’s going to be on her mind but ok. Bruce starts yelling for a smile from her, and I’m sure it’s well meaning but… it’s not coming.

Bruno follows,

WHEEE! NOTHING HAPPENED!

going OTT, as his natural instinct to avoid trouble, like a party clown that’s accidentally scared the bejesus out of a child but thinks if he keeps on being WACKY she’ll see the funny side. It was a great dance, well done you WICKED WITCH YOU! It is at this point that Chelsee starts actual crying. Craig’s coping technique is to act like nothing has happened and hope that Chelsee’s understands this to mean that everything’s fine, which to be honest is closest to my own. He just critiques the dance as he normally would – needed to be more grounded and was a mess at the end, but it was a great fiery performance. Len’s coping style is to yell

gercha!

“YOU’RE A SAUCY LITTLE LANCASHIRE HOTPOT! SATISFYING AND DELICIOUS” Pasha, upon hearing a reference to something English he doesn’t recognise

HO HO LANCASHIRE!

laughs his head off as per usual.

Judges over with, they swish up to the Tessanine, where Robin

*sniffle*

grants her his scarf, which she uses as a tissue. Once she’s settled Tess honks along the lines of “DON’T WORRY LOVE, NOBODY SAW YER BOOB!” which is actually probably the most effective response given the circumstances. Who would have thought Tess’ bluntness could ever come in this handy? She covers as best she can, getting Pasha to say how proud he is of her, and easing her through some happy enough basic “yes/no” questions. Seriously, this is Tess’ finest hour in a good long while now. Scores are in – 32

The Great Pumpkin & The Venus Guy Trap dancing the jive

Hello!

It’s not quite a Katya hat, but following that segment, I will happily take a Natalie Flowery Fascinator to ease the mood. Apparently Audley came up to Bruce this week and said that he’s seen so many ghosts and dead people this week that he’s starting to think he might be a medium. Who knows what dances might be HARD FOR MEDIUM PEOPLE. I can’t wait for Len to tell us.

VT time now, and Audley tells us that last week’s live show was the best he’s ever danced the foxtrot, and we’re reminded that Len told him that he was sat there giving him a standing ovation. Oddly enough that’s what my finger spends a lot of every week doing to Len. Audley says that as he’s getting older he’s starting to feel more in touch with his emotions and he felt really proud of how well he managed to perform the romantic dance out to the audience with Natalie. Hmm, that sounds like a psychological breakthrough to me. Let’s get a qualified practitioner to say what they think that means.

WOO WIBBLE WIBBLE

What’s that Dr Hamela? It means he wants to shag Natalie up the bum in an airing cupboard dressed as Dangermouse and Penfold? THANKS!

Training now, and Natalie cannot BELIEVE it’s Audley’s birthday today. Neither can I. If this show were still operating by Letitia Dean rules, it would have been mentioned in every VT since Week 2, and then every week from here forward until he’s eliminated. (So…next week then). Yes, he’s 40 YEARS OLD. Anyway, Natalie talks about how the jive isn’t really a natural fit for Audley, because it involves being up on your toes all the time (NO NATALIE, NO, IT IS BECAUSE HE IS SOOOO TALLLLL AND HAS SIZE 89 FEET AND IS A SPORTTSMAAAAAN!), but we all know that this is just a stalling tactic to unleash

KABOOM!

BIRTHDAY BABY WARS! Two punches in one. Audley and daughter have a little dance

POW!

and she twangs that she loves twirling with her daddy. How could you put this in the bottom 2? HOW?

VICTORY TO AUDLEY!

Oh right,

FABULOUS STAGING DAHLING

the dancing. Audley

bam bam baM

hammers his piano like Rowlf from The Muppets (ie, entirely unrealistically) and then gets up and dances like…erm…Rowlf from the Muppets. Or perhaps more accurately,

GWUR!

Sweetums. They’re doing their dance to the overture from “Little Shop Of Horrors” which I guess…explains all the plants. I like that Natalie’s thinking beyond the usual witches and devils and vampires anyway. Really Audley is far too heavy for this sort of dance – he can barely get himself off the ground – but he’s giving it a good go, and he at least seems to be paying some attention to the music. All in all though…yeah, it’s not last week. The levels of the dance being done by Natalie’s dress are now reaching truly critical levels, and frankly I’m shocked it doesn’t burst into flames with the work. Now THERE’S a wardrobe malfunction. In the end,

OH NO!

Natalie falls into her Venus Fly Trap OF EVIL but

Plonk

then just kind of sits there. I am SO DISAPPOINTED it didn’t eat her. Can you imagine the face she would have pulled? Epicmazing.

Over to the judges they hop, and Bruce tells Audley his little girl will have loved that. I dunno Bruce, there was a distinct lack of twirling.

Bruno starts for the judges with Audley an

loom

hilariously malevolent presence in shot, at all times, saying that he really got into the spirit of the dance with his great big smile and brilliant personality, but his footwork was terrible.

Oh well. It’s a very hard dance for anyone to do well, especially someone built like an

SUCH AN OAK TREE

oak tree. You can just FEEL Len seething at Bruno stealing his bit from here can’t you?

Craig follows my calling Audley “my love” and commiserating him for being completely physically unsuitable for this sort of dance. So that’s Len’s AND Bruce’s schtick he’s inched. Maybe Alesha can congratulate him for being a SPORTSMAN, call him “dahling”, rehash an old catchphrase from the Price Is Right, talk about what it was like when she was on the show back in the day, and ask to feel his guns. You know, complete the whole set.

Instead we just get Len congratulating his on his NATURAL RHYTHM and saying it’s hard for BIG GUYS to do the jive. Boo. That’s not exciting or new. Alesha closes by saying that she loved the concept of the dance, but it needed to be more bouncy. Unlike the dance last week.

MAW BOOBS

Up to the Tessanine they stumble and as Natalie arrives

Lesbian FILTH

Kristina gives her a spank on the arse. I’m guessing the excitement of training with Jason has left her in need of…other outlets. For her energy. They talk a lot about how hard the jive is for TALL PEOPLE and how Audley has had no training time because he’s been in America…for some reason, but then it all descends into Audley threatening violence on Craig again

Punch grr punch

until Natalie has to tell him to stop. Hey Audley, you remember how Rory kept on doing IMPRESSIONS to offer as an initial hook so people knew what he was famous for? And then he stopped? And it all became a lot more bearable? Yeah, that. Scores are in –

Erp

20

A Sweet Innocent Young Virgin & Count Spatula dancing the paso doble

I VONT! TO SUCK! AT THIS DANCE!

Apparently Alex was talking to Craig earlier, and he kept on mentioning male witches. Bruce told her not to worry, that’s just Craig, he’s always talking warlocks

LIKE BOLLOCKS!

LOL! That’s almost an actually funny joke, until you factor in the half a minute of cajoling people to laugh Bruce adds on to the end of it.

We’re reminded in her VT that last week the judges were quite harsh on her regarding her ability to exude her sex appeal outwards, so what’s the natural response?

WHEE!

ABSEILING! NOTHING SEXIER! Oh wait I’m getting ahead of myself AS USUAL, here’s James

EEEE
NOOOO!

torturing her further in training. That ok? Anyway Alex and James go abseiling dressed as skeletons, she wants to throw up,

(*VOM*)

and gives him a V sign that I’m surprised made it to air.

FUCK YOU JAAAAAAAMES

Surprised but glad. Still, he gets his revenge with

EEEEE

yet more torture. Still, at least she’s not crying this week. It a step in the right direction

To the floor

FZZZZT

and she’s flat out on a slab, pissing lightning. I guess it’s a concept. She gets up

WOOO!

fans it out, and starts swishing it around really, really awkwardly. It’s a bit like Kate Bush using her Wuthering Heights dress to clean the dishes. Then James walks on

Anyone know where the nearest public bogs are?

and it’s not so much “dark demonic sexuality” as “pissed accountant stumbles out of firm Hallowe’en part and finds drunk hen party girl who has strayed from the pack”. The dance isn’t so much suitable for a Gothic crypt as Luton on a Friday night. Anyway, Alex tries to ward off James’ demonic approach, but sadly the only things that can stop a vampire are daylight, a stake through the heart, decapitation, running water, holy water, garlic, the Holy Cross, mirrors, Anthea Turner and I don’t know, whatever stops them in the Twilight saga? Logic? I dunno, whatever it is, it’s not “holding your dress and doing front-crawl arms” which seems to be Alex’s best tactic.

Once within James’ thrawl he dips her about a bit, they do lobster arms and do paso “HA!”s like she’s sneezing, bless her. It’s all very sweet, but sometimes I have to remind myself she’s not 8, and by the standards of a grown woman this is pretty awful. Eventually she breaks free but James kills her by, I don’t know, tickling her armpit, that’s how people normally get killed in the paso isn’t it?

I AM DYING!

Girl gives good ham-acting dying at least. Seriously she proper

I AM DEAD!

hurls herself to the ground and everything. Nice one Alex.

(Sidebar 1 : The dance was done to “Bring Me To Life” which makes me slightly verklempt, because Brenda’s Vampire Paso to this song in series 2 was when this show first started its slow, tentative descent into utter gaywadhood. And it’s sadly not on youtube)

(Sidebar 2 : Happily, this is. Evbot forever).

Ahem.

Bruce tries his DAMNDEST to get her a standing ovation, but it’s just not happening. Never mind Bruce, I’m sure she appreciated the effort of you even trying to get it up at your age. He keeps on telling her to “LOOK! LOOK!” at the standing ovation that isn’t happening and she’s all

WHAT OVATION? WHERE?

WHAT? WHAT AM I LOOKING AT? More and more I think this show is trying to gaslight her.

Craig starts

NO JAMES, NO

for the judges by rambling on about his own psycho-sexual issues with vampires and wanting to be a pure innocent virgin penetrated by demonic fangs. Take it up with Aliona Craig, no-one else curr. Len follows by saying he was expecting a Hammer House Of Horrors but he didn’t get that. I personally was hoping for a hammier house of horrors, but then I always am. He liked her confidence and intensity, but there was too much frock-wafting for him. (OH MY GOD LEN LEAVE THE PROS CHOREOGRAPHY ALONE IT’S ALWAYS PERFECT etc etc)

Alesha follows, saying that she appreciated Alex taking a risk by dancing (/standing stock still swishing her pants about like she trying to get rid of the smell of a nasty fart) out there on her own at the beginning, and it really paid off. It was atmospheric and dramatic and this is her BREAKTHROUGH WEEK! Oh good. Her blossoming to Snowdon Hood begins here. I guess at least she’s less annoying. Bruno closes by calling it

HEATHCLIFF, IT'S ME, BOOBERELLA!

“Vampira meets Kate Bush”. I bloody wish.

Up to the Tessanine they bring themselves to life, as Tess coughs up yet another hairball right down her microphone. I’m thinking she might want to get that looked at. Tess greets her by talking about how much nicer Craig was this week and how she might have a breakthrough but James is all

LOL FUNNY TEETH

“LOOK AT ME, I IS WEARING FUNNY TEETH!”. Never not pulling focus is he? Scores are in –

?????

31. Dear me.

Bunton Paso Scale : 0.25 : Wuthering Shites

The Black Swan And The White Swan dancing American Smooth

SO BROODING!

Bless Artem, but he is hamming his little socks off there isn’t he? Apparently this week Holly told Bruce that if Beethoven were alive he would love to hear Bruce entertaining. Bruce apparently realises just now that this is an insult, because Beethoven was DEAF!

OH MY GOD SHE INSULTED ME!

Whatever Bruce, he’d still have to look at you.

VT time, and Holly admits that she enjoyed the feeling of being dressed up all pretty for the Viennese Waltz but she didn’t feel any OOMPH! doing it. Whatever that means. (Daily Mail Headline : SULTRY HOLLY VALANCE ADMITS WANTING TO GET OOMPHED BY DANCE-PARTNER ARTEM! JEALOUS KARA IN TEARS!) She watched it back on youtube and thought there were parts which were a bit of a dog’s breakfast. (Daily Mail Headline : SEXY HOLLY VALANCE CAUGHT SCOURING INTERNET FOR FOOTAGE OF DANCE PARTNER ARTEM’S BONE! JEALOUS KARA IN TEARS!). Artem says that he feels like that there’s just something missing with their performance every week and he wants to get Holly to find that missing factor. (Daily Mail Headline : FRUSTRATED ARTEM WANTS TO GO ONE STEP FURTHER WITH…oh alright, you get the picture).

Training now, and Holly says that Hallowe’en is her favourite holiday every year. Artem?

I AM LOVING THE HALLOWE'EN

Not so much. After 6 seconds of training footage for their America Smooth, Artem says that’s quite enough of that hard work, let’s go tit around Alton Towers instead. Saw : The Ride in particular, because it is WELL SCARY.

It appears that SAW : The Ride is mostly

SEXY

you being groped randomly in the dark by bored, talentless actors. And I had quite enough of that at University. No thank you. Anyway, that one is asking Artem “WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?!”. I could ask the same question myself. It’s probably actually because Madame Tussauds was fully booked. Anyway Holly gets out safely and Artem bellows

KARA AH LOVE YEW

IF ANYONE FIND THIS FOOTAGE, IT MEANS I DIDN’T MAKE IT! KARA I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU KARA! IT IS KARA WHO I LOVE! IS THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU INTERNET CRAZIES! IS IT! ANYONE HOLLY YOU ARE ALSO COOL! ERM! SOMETHING SOMETHING TRAINING! BYEEE! At least it answers the question of whether anybody is capable of looking good under infra-red cameras. Eventually he finds his way out and

Ugh

hugs Holly, who is unimpressed with this most unRussian display of cowardice.

That or the acting.

Oh yeah, dancing. Anyway

UNLEASH!

UNLEASH THE BLACK SWAN! Their American Smooth is to Swan Lake and it’s very balletic and graceful and free-form. I do love that Artem sees the American Smooth category for what it is these days – Junior Showdance. I mean, let’s be honest, over the last three series who WOULDN’T have benefitted from doing their American Smooth as their Showdance instead of what they did? Tom. Maybe Chris? Especially now that all the ballroom dances are basically American Smooth minus lifts or occasionally with lifts because it’s not as though the judges care any more. I’d like it in Aliona as a tendency as well if it wasn’t for…well…HOOOOOOO! NEW YORRRRRRK! (None of this excuses his choosing to have her run ring-around-a-lamppost instead of doing a Viennese Waltz obviously).

DRAMA

Oh, ahhh, and so on. It’s very dramatic and the first dance of the evening that hasn’t been marred with some sort of boob or knee or self-esteem related drama, so excuse me for slightly loving it, even if her legs are a bit dangly and they don’t exploit this opportunity for any hilarious “Ma Scully wandering on wondering ‘WHERE’S MY SWEET GIRL?'” cameo action.

SHE'S GONE!

The end.

It gets our first Standing Ovation of the evening as well, apart from two women in the front row who remain unmoved. Big FRED AND GINNNNNNNNGE fans obviously. Beatrice on the other hand?

WOOT WOOT

Is WELL into it. Bruce asks Holly if she was pleased with that. She seems…not quite so sure. For someone who’s supposedly so lazy she’s never ever pleased with herself is she?

Len starts for the judges saying that he knows the clocks go back an hour later, but he’d like them to go back right now, so he could see that again. Erm…it doesn’t work like that Len. Also I don’t want to sit through Chelsee’s nervous nipple breakdown again. Anyway he would have liked a little more in hold, but Artem knows he’s a bit finicky like that doesn’t he? Artem’s all

HAHAHAHAHHA

“LOL I DO YOU GIANT TWAT!”.

Alesha follows by saying that they both look very pretty indeed.

It was her favourite concept so far (WOT? MORE THAN “GENERIC DEVILS DO GENERIC DEVILRY” or “OOPS! HERE’S A VAMPIRE!”) and they made some beautiful lines together. This is the dance that shows that Holly is a real contender in the competition. Bruno follows by saying that he thought the idea of doing an American Smooth to Swan Lake was barmy, BUT IT WORKED.

Craig closes by congratulating them on their risk-taking, particularly in not hiding her legs under some great big poofy dress.

SO BRAVE

But he thinks it worked. HOORAY!

Up to the Tessanine they fly, where Tess congratulates her on her standing ovation, and Holly tells her that it’s been her favourite dance so far. I love that this is basically because she much prefers ballet to ballroom. Never mind Holly, the way things are going, there will be a full blown Ballet Week in a month’s time. BALLET CHARLESTON! Maybe they can bring back Darcey Bussell to do a dem…actually no. Let us never speak of that thought again. Tess asks Holly how many spins she did, and she replies

Six!

“SIX!”. With the certainty of a woman who has COUNTED. Tess then asks if she wants to be back at the top end of the leaderboard and she replies that yes, yes she does. Scores are in –

WOO

35.

Two decrepit old corpses dancing the rumba

YOU WANT SOME?

WHAT? IT’S THEIR COSTUMES! (That by the way is Nancy staring at some louts in the audience who are booing her. Welcome to the age of Strictly as X Factor everyone. Either that or she just wants to show off her spider. Business as usual then). Bruce says that for the rumba, Nancy has to pretend that she’s in love with Anton. Bruce says that shouldn’t be a problem, because Anton’s been in love with himself for years and he can offer her tips.

A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

I’ll miss her, even if no-one else will.

VT time and Nancy talks about how she was really disappointed with her performance last week, because she’s done it much better. Anton explains to us all that a thing of potential beauty was sadly marred by Nancy making the very simple mistake of starting off on the wrong foot and then tottering around like the mother of the bride at My Skinny Pissed Italian Wedding. Also she was the CAPE

THE CAAAAAAAAAPE

THE CAPE, DAMN YOU ALL! (The music people play “Blaze Of Glory” by Bon Jovi, bless them more than ever. NANCY IS A COWBOY! AND ON A STEEL HORSE SHE RIDES! THEN GETS HER LEG TANGLED IN THE STIRRUP AND FALLS OFF AGAIN! THEN IS DRAGGED BEHIND THE HORSE SCREAMING SWEAR WORDS IN ITALIAN, FOR DISTANCES OF UP TO 3KM!)

Training now, and Nancy says that it’s time for a Hallowe’en rumba. The dance of love/

GIVE US A KEEEEEEEES!

Nancy lurching at Anton screaming “GIVE US A KISS!” then punching him in the goolies. And what’s Hallowe’en without a glittery coffin? She orders Anton to obtain one for her, and is mortified when this turns up.

So basic.

WHERE IS THE DIAMONDS? WHERE IS THE JEWELS? Obviously this is all for Strictly’s sake, and not at all because intends to stuff them down her top faster than Richard Madeley in Tescos (WAS PROVED VERY MUCH INNOCENT OF DOING IN A COURT OF LAW).

In the spirit of Strictly she

WHAT IS THIS?

LOSES HER SHIT, refusing to climb in the thing for fear of getting tetanus, and definitely not because she’s discovered that those crappy gold arm things she’s been nicking off Tess (all the way up her arms) have a market value of a fiver each and turn your skin green. The segment ends with Nancy promising to think about performing with the creaky wooden damp pile of dried up twigs that’s full of bugs and worms, well past it’s sell-by-date and which contravenes health and safety laws just by people being allowed to look at it.

AND THE COFFIN AS WELL! LOL!

Out to the dance-floor and sometimes

GLUG
GROAN
lurch
R'ARGH
PAW!
CLAW
YARG
WHEE
flash!
BULLY'S SPECIAL PRIZE!
PLONK

pictures alone are enough aren’t they?

When was the last time you saw such a display of powerful mature sexuality? And no those two foxes shagging in your dustbin doesn’t count.

Nancy lifts the lid on her WANTON SEX COFFIN, and leads a confused Anton over to the judges. Apparently there was another boa malfunction in the middle of that GLORY somewhere. I can’t say as I noticed. Bruce makes the basic error, still, over a month in now, of asking Nancy how that went.

Blah blah blah blah

Half an hour later, the judges start. Alesha says that she thinks Nancy is a sexy woman (who does Alesha NOT think is a sexy woman incidentally? Angela Merkel? Daphne from Eggheads? Rose West? I think some sort of nation-wide biffer search needs to be enacted) but she’s a walking disaster. And that walking’s not unaided. Her legs are far too far apart, and that’s not very feminine. Everyone (including Nancy) laughs uproriously and Alesha

TECHNICAL CRIT!

says that she’s being SERIOUS! IT’S A DANCE THING!

SHE'S GIVIN IT

QUIET EVERYONE! ALESHA’S BEING TECHNICAL! It’s too late Alesha, everyone’s too busy either laughing at you calling Nancy a big old slag, or hoping this means you’re going to give her a 2. Talk about the lift all you like, your comment is over.

Nancy mutters to Anton that it looks like her dress is broken. I think you’re going to have to work your distress a little harder if you want the Chelsee vote dear. Maybe start randomly clutching your leg again. IT’S AN OLD WAR WOUND!

Bruno tells Nancy she looked like the Queen Of The Night but she danced like a walking dead. Well, tottering dead anyway. Then, in the single greatest moment of the night (/MY LIFE) Bruno mimicks Nancy as a fashion-obsessed zombie stalking down Bond Street groaning

AMAZING

“DESIGNERGEAR! DESIGNERGEAR!”. She has to listen to the music more (/at all). As it is, she’s far too gangly and awkward.

Craig calls it a “dance horribilis”, Nancy hurls Anton under the bus over their fugtacular lift, Len makes some juvenile “meals on wheels” crack that he spent all week writing, it’s never going to get any better than Zombie Nancy going “DESIGNERGEAR DESIGNERGEAR!” let’s get this show up to the Tessanine already.

(Last year some people got slightly huffy that I included Dr Hamela’s gaytacular paso in my Top 20 of the series instead of, say, some Kara dance I can’t even remember now, just because I loved the music. Heaven knows how many stitches they’re going to pop when that dance ends up in there.)

Once on the Tessanine, Nancy is asked if she was ever tempted to nail Anton in the coffin. Sorry, sorry nail Anton INTO the coffin. Nancy says no. Of course not. That would be manual labour. Nancy and Anton gabble over one another, battling for vocal supremacy and coming up tied as per usual, and scores are in

SO CLOSE!

OH ALESHA, YOU LET ME DOWN AGAIN! IT’S LIKE WHEN YOUR FOXTROT WAS A BIT BORING ALL OVER AGAIN. (14)

Stuart Pilkington & The Bride of Hackula dancing the tango

WHERE'S DALE?

Yes, that was a “Big Brother 9” reference. I have nothing left in my armory after Nancy’s…display. Apparently Harry told Bruce this week that he and Aliona are going to take on the role of a vampire. NO! REALLY? ALIONA IS CHOREOGRAPHING A ROUTINE BASED AROUND VAMPIRES? (*has heart attack and dies*). Bruce starts whittering about how he wants to see Aliona dancing with no clothes on. At this abhorrence, Harry moves beyond the Awkward Bruce Joke Face and pioneers the

Hello

Awkward Bruce Joke Wave. He’s so bloody English he makes Ramps look like Oliver Reed doesn’t he?

VT time, and Harry says that his waltz went really well last week but it did seem to cause a few argument with the judges. Bless him, he’s even more over this tedious shit than I am. Can’t see him storming off in a huff/going to rescue a poor lost kitten from a tree because Len called him out on obscene wiggling. Or indeed spending weeks complaining he hasn’t got a 10 yet because…

HARRY'S GOT A TEN (*has thoughts*)

LOL he got one (Is no-one going to complain about not getting a 10 this year? WILL I BE SPARED THAT MISERY? PLEASE SAY YES)

Harry finishes his VT by saying that he thinks he and Aliona should get “a thing”. The “thing” turns out to be a double reverse high-five. I think Aliona may have been hoping for more.

Training now, and Aliona does what everyone else has been donig this week (well…James and Pasha anyway) and leaping out and “scaring” their pro. Harry?

(*shrug*)

Does not give a chuff. Yeah, they’re going to have to try harder than that to get him to play along with all this stupid Hallowe’en VT nonsense. Maybe by

eh?

MAKING HIM DRINK A MAGIC POTION, TRANSPORTING HIM TO THE SCARIEST PLACE IN THE UK! I can’t believe Arlene let them film in her bedroom after all this show did to her. Aliona wanders round whining “this isn’t funny any more!” (I’ll say) Can this level of over-egging in set-up get him to act convincingly?

INFAMY INFAMY!

No, his vampire looks like Kenneth Williams and it’s still worse than he managed in “Just My Luck” AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING. Let’s just do some dancing shall we?

You know, ish.

Balls

They’re doing their tango to “Psycho Killer” by Talking Heads which…is ever there were a way for a girl to make herself grow on me it’d be to choreograph a dance routine to Talking Heads. Even jamming it through the Strictly band like sirloin steak through a Play-Doh Fun Factory. The set up is really cool and atmospheric as well (at least compared to James’ vampire…effort) but the dance is just a load of faff faff faff faff faff faff faff faff faff (to quote the song). They do the entire first section clutching the masks which…no, looks stupid. Then

KNEES!

oh look, he’s on his knees again. Pawing at her

bewbs

bewbs. Then

TANGO!

ZOMG A TANGO BREAKS OUT, which moves two steps diagonally across the floor then stops. That’s it, he

CHOMP

bites her

DEADED!

breaks her neck

dunn

the end.

It’s not really ENOUGH is it? I don’t mean that face. That’s more than enough. It’s alright Harry, there’s no spinach in your teeth.

(Clearly though it IS enough for the audience, who give it a standing ovation).

On McFlea duty this week are

Boo

Tom and Danny. I am shocked BEYOND WORDS that they’re not in costume. BEYOND WORDS.

Bruno starts,

HARRRRRRRRY

is pervert. Craig follows, and tells him it was full of intent, purpose and aggression. He loved the storytelling but would have liked a little bit more in hold. Still the tango he did do, he did very well. Which is true, so you wonder why they can’t graduate towards you know, the part where you’re in hold and MOVE IN IT a bit more. Len follows and

NYARRRRRGH

not to be a giant hypocrite or anything, but I can’t deal with another Len lecture to Aliona about the level of content in her routines any more. At least when I do it there’s a funny picture in there. Occasionally. Needless to say Len says that he has nothing against Aliona, he just hates her and everything she stands for etc etc so on and so on and did I mention Harry? He’s here too. Apparently.

Bored now

So so bored of this mess. Sometimes I think Len and Aliona should just shag and work the tension out. And do it FAR FAR away from me. (Kudos to whoever it was who openly laughs at Len when he says that he has no problem with Aliona. KUDOS).

Alesha closes by saying she does agree with Len, somewhat, but Harry plays it so well, and is “too cool for school”, so she can’t penalize him for it. She then busts out “art is subjective” which

yadda yadda yadda

ok Alesha, save it for your South Bank Show Special, you’re surrounded by spray on spider-web dressed as a goth Magic carpet talking about a routine Aliona only choreographed because it made her tingly in her Kazakhstani area. If I wanted to watch people pontificate like this I’d watch Bravo’s “Work Of Art” which this series features a contestant who calls himself The Sucklord

Up to the Tessanine they run run run run run run AWAAYYYYYY, where Tess dubs them the King and Queen of Tango (4eva Kara and Ian and Zoe and Artem in some sort of incestuous royal fourway THANK YOU VERY MUCH) and asks Harry where he’s been hiding his dark side all these years. Harry ponders

SUCH A DARK SIDE! HE LIKED THE BURNING

revealing all about that time he put chilli in Dougie’s KY Jelly and blamed it on Danny, but decides to remain mute. Aliona’s created it. For sure. Was it scary leading a professional dancer, in the 2 seconds they were in hold? Yes, yes it was. Scores are in –

Wah?

34. Incidentally, that is the lowest overall score of any dance that received at least one 10. Tying with Gethin’s paso doble and Kelly’s ILLEGAL LIFT American Smooth. I guess art really IS subjective. Hey, remember Kristina’s accidental bitch-face that she always used to accidentally pull accidentally in the background of other people’s shots?

*kisses teeth*

IT’S BAAAAAACK!

No, no idea, Boy George and Girl George? Maybe dancing the paso doble

Do you really want to hurt him?

They get a cheer, so Bruce calls them a very popular couple, and starts rambling on about how many popular couples there are this year. Yeah, we’ll see how you feel along those lines once Nancy’s gone and the plug’s out the bath-tub. Apparently last week, at the end of his jive, Robbie slid directly into the camera and almost broke his nose. Given the general behaviour on show, I can think of several participants in the show this year who’d be devastated to see their noses out of action. Coke’s a joke kids. Coke’s a joke.

Vt now and Ola tells us that Robbie really got into his dance last week, over a shot of him

Wah?

looking blanker even than Nancy. There’s the look of a man who’s just realised he left the gas on. Anyway he ran about and gurned and vamped and spanked the sequins off Ola’s dress and ran head first into a camera. Which even Chris Hollins, as amped up on e Numbers as he was usually managed to avoid.

Training now, and Ola tells Robbie that this week he’s going to have to face his greatest fear! Is it Craig being mean to him? Apparently not. It’s

Fabulous

THIS! OLA LAUNCHING HER OWN MUSIC CAREER! Nice album-cover. Well, let’s face it, it was only a matter of time before one the pros tried to launch themselves as a pop star. Go on, you’re surprised it’s not Brenda aren’t you?

No no, alright, apparently Robbie’s worst nightmare is this.

Ugh

To appear in a sketchily conceived unfunny comedy VT. You and me both Robbie. You and me both. Oh it’s alright they’re playing Daphne & Celeste as the music. (*dances for a minute solid*)

MUSIC DEPARTMENT TO THE RESCUE AGAIN! Don’t laugh, Daphne’s going to be a pro next series, replacing Erin. Pretend professional cheerleading is more than enough experience to be a pro these days. If you know a routine, you’re in! Hey, it’s more than HAYLEY HOLT! knew.

OH SORRY, WAS I NOT PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO THE HILARIOUS VT I DO APOLOGISE, SHOW.

To the dance-floor and

And
THRUST!

the crotch-thrusts wouldn’t be too bad if it didn’t look like he was trying to pop out a standing poo. It’s the

Whoo!

cock-grabbing that’s really naff. Oh Ola. Never afraid to walk up to that Lowest Common Denominator, burp in its face and give a picture of some boobs. But Dr Hamela, what does it MEAN?

WOO WIBBLE WIBBLE!

“It means he wants to cuddle Craig on a donkey being driven by Telly Savalas!”

THANKS DR HAMELA!

The show would have you believe that these moves are to reflect the fact that the routine is being danced to “Bad” by Michael Jackson. As presumably is the fact that it’s…well…bad. Apart from the groin-related manoeuvres, it’s mostly walking and

ERP!

this is more off-balance than I remember anyone being since Eggwina was nearly pulled down onto her arse in Week 1. He does a few nice runs, and it’s at least recognisable as a paso doble but… nah. S’bad.

Oh dear....

And the end pose is very Joel Schumacher’s Batman & Robin. I feel like he’s some sort of henchman and George Clooney’s nipples (no, not you Snowdon) are about to run on and save Saturday Night Family Entertainment. I do love how very

Lovely fluffy pubic hair

Sister Wendy Craig goes as a result. He’s purely interested in the cock-grabbing from an artistic point of view dear. As if to make matters worse, Robbie high-fives him with…the offending limb. No amount of washing’s going to make that feel clean again is it Craig?

This bizarre display gets a standing ovation. He’s going to make the final isn’t he? Holly’s our shock boot, Chelsee’s going to fall apart at two dances…(*pinches nose*).

Craig starts, saying he really could have done without all the lascivious hip-thrusts and pulls a

Oh dear

comedy-vicar face to emphasise his new role as prude, as if he wasn’t showing off his boner for James about half an hour ago. Apart from that it needed more power and arch, he didn’t lead, and his hands were like soup-ladles. Maybe that was the Hallowe’en THEME CRAIG! HE’S TIM BURTON’S EDWARD LADLE-HANDS! BUGGER ONLY KNOWS WHAT ELSE HE COULD HAVE BEEN SUPPOSED TO BE. Len follows by saying that he was a bit disconcerted when he thrust his wobbly bits at him. At by “disconcerted” he means “by how aroused he was”. Len has decided that Robbie is a Ballroom Boy, and not a Latin Guy. Could have told you that after that pigging cha-cha, Len , but you’re the expert.

Alesha follows, and tells Robbie to keeeeeeep thrusting! I sense a new show-closing catchphrase for Bruce and Tess! Bruno closes by saying it was

MENTAL!

“Bad Gone Mental!”. Ah well, they can’t all be gold. He goes on to tell that he thinks that he now knows that Robbie is a good hard shag, but lacking in artistry. No really, that’s his critique. Why not just plop Dr Hammie on the panel and have done with it? She HAS BEEN HERE and KNOWS WHAT IT’S LIKE after all.

Up to the Tessanine they bad where Tess greets them by saying that Robbie almost took Craig’s eye out

tee hee

WITH HIS KNEE! LOL! Holly finds this a little too funny to be someone I’m comfortable in continuing to root for. Tess gets everyone to scream out their appreciation of Robbie walking around fondling his genitalia, and then the scores are in –

boo

26.

Bunton Paso Scale: 0.70 – Bad Cavemance

Rock Lobster & Octopus Jizz dancing the tango

ROCK LOBSTAH!

Bruce says that Anita is a great big drama-queen, which this show has quite enough of as it is.

WHO? ME?

After his weekly flounce at Aliona, surely Len is a more appropriate pan, no?

VT now, and Anita says that she was feeling really down-hearted last week, because she didn’t feel like she was improving at the rate she wanted to, but then hooray, the judges overmarked the JUMPING JEW JESUS out of her being thrown around like an artist’s impression of a Walnut Whip! She’s

SO VERY HAPPY!

so happy to have improved. Bless her, I do like her but she’s quite…intense at times.

Training now, and Anita

AHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

stands there and screams and screams and screams and screams until she’s allowed off Comedy VT duties. Should have just claimed “WOMEN PROBLEMS” Anita. Always worked at my school. For me. Tragically, whilst the producers let her off,

I HEAR VOICES!

her own incipient madness does not. Devil Anita taunts Anita with her desire for chocolate eclair. GO ON! she says. ROBIN WILL NEVER KNOW!

Munch munch munch

I would imagine he would have words about proper technique if he did. Less teeth dear. Less teeth. Poor Billy Connolly.

Devil Anita pulls faces at Robin behind his back in training, and freaks him out by throwing insects in his face. Robin thinks back fondly to the days when all he had to worry about in training was Patsy proposing. Again.

TO THE FLOOR!

BONG

Well, I knew she was knocking on, but this is a sobering end to Anita’s Strictly Journey…

BURST!

LOL! NOT REALLY! She bursts out that grave to Cliff Richard’s Devil Woman like Carrie White and taunts her Bobby from BEYOND THE GRAVE! By doing a really slow-ass tango. I guess we should be glad that the routine is at least something that resembles ballroom dancing at this some point in the evening, and she’s certainly acting the pants off it. And yet somehow this is still less terrifying than when Lynda Bellingham gave Wiggy a prostate exam to the same song. Kudos to Robin for lifting this move

Och nae

from Ola’s Scottish Paso for Kenny Logan. Especially as I’m sure he’s far more terrified by the view than she was. Other than that it’s solid given her failings, but unremarkable and in the end she kills him

R'ARGH!

for some reason. Probably wee’d on the toilet floor a bit. MEN! HONESTLY! etc etc. Up on the Tessanine

*FIDDLE*

Harry adjusts his fangs and everyone finds this much more entertaining than what just happened on the dance-floor.

Len starts for the judges by shouting “I LIKED IT! I REALLY LIKED IT!” which is how you really know it was tepid at best. Well done on lots of tango content and a lack of both wiffing and woffing. I don’t know Len, I detected quite a bit of whiffing. Her posture’s rubbish and she lost one step entirely but whatever, it’s hard, Len enjoyed it, yadda yadda.

Meanwhile in the audience

DAMN YOU PETA!

poor Billy Connolly has had some paint thrown over him, possibly for refusing a trick or treater. Maybe that’s why Anita was so pissy in the dance.

Alesha follows saying that she can tell Anita’s an actress – she loved the drama, and she was really scary out there on the dance-floor. She’s quite scary just stood here Alesha

MMmmm strawberry bootlaces

hemorrhaging strawberry bootlaces out her eyeballs. Bruno is soon afterwards and he says that he never knew that Anita could play pure EVIL. Look! She’s doing it right now!

*wink*

Anne Robinson. TERRIFYING. She does need to work on her frame though. Craig finishes by scoring her “acting = 10, top-line = 3”, which as we all know on Strictly these days averages out to a nice round score of 10.

Up to the Tessanine she goes,

*HISS*

vaguely threatening Bruce on the way. That’s the way to do it! Once up there she starts yelling “BREATHE! BREATHE! BREATHE!” in Tess’s face. Odd. I’m normally shouting the opposite (NOT REALLY, LUV YA TESS!). We’re reminded that Anita has taken over the mantle of this series’ perennial Nervous Nellie from Alex Jones, and Tess congratulates her on really letting her acting skills out on display in this dance. Anita’s all “yes dear, my years of theatrical training and Olivier-Award winning experience really helped with the role of “Mad Dead Old Bitch Walking Round Screaming For 90 Seconds “. Tess closes by asking her what the voices she hears in her head when she walks down the streets are saying. Apparently they are saying “OI! NEETA! WAY HEY HEY HEY!”. I guess it’s nice that they’re saying nice things. Scores are in – 31

A couple of old bats dancing the paso doble

*snip snip*

I see Brenda’s been to the hairdressers again. No joke here, apart from Bruce saying her samba was any good.

We’re reminded in VT of how Lulu defeated Brenda’s CURSE OF THE SAMBA PLUS KELLY’S DAD DYING! Well done Lulu! But it wasn’t all plain sailing, as Lulu informs us that Brenda “took Len’s comments about how repetitive his choreography was to heart”. I think we all know what that means.

AND HE'S OFF!

PATENTED BRENDA 24 HOUR STROPATHON! Somebody stick im in a bath of baked beans and it could be a Comic Relief thing. He drones on and on over how he put lots of different steps in there over clips of…him doing them and Lulu hopping and wafting exactly the same each time. I know Brenda. I try and forget she’s there most of the time as well. Brenda closes by grinning and saying “come on…it wasn’t that bad? Was it?”. As if to answer “no”, if only in the form of a comparative, the show then offers up this image

IT'S THE BA...oh no, wait it's just Bloody Lulu

and Bloody Lulu hissing “I’M BATWOMAN!”

And you thought Ann Hathaway as Catwoman was miscasting…

Anyway, apparently for her paso doble this week, Lulu will be channelling a bat from hell. Oh God Lulu, there’s already one Widdy Resurrection scheduled, I don’t need another. Brenda tells us all that Bloody Lulu wanted more excitement in her dance this week, so he’s just going to fling her around on wires going “WOO WOO!” like Marge Simpson in “Streetcar! The Musical!” whilst he runs up and down the fixtures and fittings. I KNOW I’M EXCITED!

To the dance-floor and LOOK! UP IN THE SKY! IS IT A BIRD? IS IT A PLANE?

Whee!

NO! IT’S BLOODY LULU! In the admittedly slightly awesome image of someone proper LAUNCHING themselves off the balcony, as opposed to Ann vaguely drifting down like Operation Dumbo Drop. Once she hits the ground of course, we need faffing to hide the fact that the entire crew of HMS Belfast has just taken to the floor to unclip her. And who better to faff than

whee!

BRENDA! That’s him sliding own the bannister by the way.

So anyway, the rest of the dance is basically Lulu wandering around poking the air with the sticks holding up her dress, a bit like an old dear tangled up in her knitting

ERP

but bless Brenda for trying to make her dancing that bit more exciting for a week at least. They’re dancing to “Highway To Hell” by AC/DC for no other reason than it amuses Brenda. Story of this series really. At the end, the entire cast of Gandhi have to mob the floor to get her back into harness again, and so Brenda

MUG MUG MUG

does some more mugging for the camera. Hooray!

It gets a standing ovation, although two particularly lazy women in the audience can’t be arsed to stand up until she’s disentangled from the harness again, walked down the stairs, faffed with Brendan a bit, and stood right next to them.

Bruno starts for the judges, telling her that she handled all the tricks with great panache, and she didn’t go wrong once! Hooray! He counted and everything! Craig follows by saying that he’s partial to a bit of flying himself (can we go five seconds of this show without hearing about Craig’s kinks this week? Apparently not) and he loved Lulu’s theatrical exit (*meow*) but when they were in hold it looked like a battle for supremacy. Bruno yells “BUT DAT IS THE WHOLE POINT OF DE PASO!” and Craig explains that the point of the paso is not in fact for the bull to run round the matador treading on his toes and jabbing him in the gut with a rogue knitting needle. More’s the pity.

Len follows, saying that there were LOTS of tricks, and quite a few treats. Lulu

lol!

sees what he did there. As does Brenda, albeit from a slightly different perspective. He loved it as entertainment, although Lulu would do well to at least try to follow Brenda’s lead occasionally, rather than just letting him shove her like a malfunctioning pinball machine. Alesha closes by saying that, just as Craig loved her exit, Alesha loves her entrance. Jeez, get a room. She was full of determination, and she should be proud of herself this week.

Up to the Tessanine they fly (although sadly not like that. I’d find Bloody Lulu far more likable if she was hauled everywhere by harness rather than travelling by ground. Her showdance could be a tribute to Slingshot from Gladiators), and Tess greets her by asking her if she enjoyed the flying. She says she did. It is at this point at the evening that Brenda gets

clap clap clap

super gaywad and leads everyone in a round of applause for the crew and wardrobe of Strictly for this fine evening’s entertainment. Natalie, who looks a million bucks, applauds fulsomely. Meanwhile Chelsee’s all “mmm, yeah, woo…”. Scores are in – 29.

It was good, but it wasn’t quite TIME WARP was it?

Bunton Paso Scale Score : 0.67 – Bat In A Belfry.

Paddy O’Reilly & Finty McGinty dancing the quickstep

Bejesus

Begorrah. Apparently Jason told Bruce that he saw a ghost once on a trip to London. Really fascinating. It was the ghost of an accountant who died a nice peaceful death, and the ghost was quite nice and asked Jason how his wife and kids were and Jason said that he can’t complain, and then they both caught different buses (Jason was going to Kensington, him to Ealing) and went their separate ways. It was a Tuesday if he recalls correctly. What a story.

VT time now, and Jason says that he definitely thinks the comments the judges made last week were definitely justified and he definitely has no problem with them whatsoever definitely. He’s got to enjoy every single week in the competition, because it might be his last! Yes dear, you’re definitely going to pull in fewer viewer votes than NANCY DE’LOONY wherever you finish on the leaderboard.

Training now, and of COURSE Jason And Kristina are getting a Comedy VT this week! How could they not? Jason does quickstep training for about 5 seconds but he is SO TIRED KRISTINA! (He calls her “babe” a lot apparently, which is by far the funniest thing of the whole segment, if only accidentally). He goes to sleep on a chair and wakes up

OH NO!

in Victorian England, haunted by the ghost of

And what an arse.

Strictly Arse. She wants him to not show quite so much body hair in his dances. Could have said the same for you love. Next is the ghost of

Whoo whoo!

Strictly Presents, particularly hats. Bless her she’s putting on a voice and everything. She wants to tell him to dance every dance as if it’s his last. Because she would know. Because she just got eliminated. (Two weeks ago, but like Erin’s lowering herself to this crap. She’s got coconuts to fashion into a bra for the MOONLIGHT ERIN BEACH PARADE!). Finally we see the Ghost Of

*plonk*

Strictly Yet To Come, as apparently Kristina is with-holding sex until Jason wins the glitterball. IF JASON DOESN’T WIN, HE’D BETTER WATCH OUT, OR JOE WILL PROPER HIT HIM AND STUFF!

I guess it’s a pleasant change for the physical violence to be threatened on a heterosexual for a change.

Dance-floor now and Kristina is a

twitch

nose-twitching witch (no, not like Michelle Williams was (DEFINITELY NOT, LEGALLY SPEAKING), the magic kind of nose-twitching) because they are dancing to the theme tune to Bewitched. Please note whoever it was who said this was “classic Quickstep music” on It Takes Two this week. S’not. It’s a sitcom theme tune with some words tacked on later. Anyway, Kristina does some Genuine Irish Magic and

SHAZBAT!

commands Jason into hold from a-far, and makes him dance around a bit without her. I’m so glad that Erin was too busy with a pool-boy to be paying attention to the show this week. If she were still in the show, she’d probably throw a bottle at them from the Tessanine yelling “OH SURE, IT’S MAGICAL AND HILARIOUS AND IMPRESSIVE WITHOUT THE DUMMIES ISN’T IT?!”. On the whole it’s actually a really fun routine, and I think probably the best of the night. It’s a bit jammy in the knee department for me, and there’s no excuse for this

Oh dear

face, not ever (that’s him laughing by the way. It’s not one of Adam Garcia’s giant frozen showbiz poos hurtling at him from Starship Karen), but I’m glad that Kristina is actually rising to the challenge of having a contender, choreographically speaking, rather than futzing her One Big Chance.

DEAD!

Standing ovation, ba’duh.

Craig starts for the judges and tries that awful Australian strang again but

RIPPAH!

hilariously can’t keep it up more than 5 seconds before bursting out laughing at himself. He liked it anyway.

WOO HOO!

OH NO, THE GIANT FROZEN SPACE-TURD HAS COME FOR KRISTINA! AIEEEE! Oh but there were a few mistakes in there ah well. Would have been perfect otherwise. This sets Len off on an almighty huff about Aliona’s choreography again, BECAUSE WHO CARES THAT SOMETHING ISN’T PERFECT WHEN SHE STILL EXISTS (incidentally there have been veiled smacks at her tango in more or less every crit since their dance finished, I just couldn’t be arsed to rehash them all). Give it a rest Len, I think we’ve got the point.

Alesha follows, saying it was cute and interesting, which is apparently enough for a 10 these days, who knew? Bruno closes by saying that he

tweest of barmy!

liked the “twist of barmy”. Quite.

Up the Tessanine they bewitch, and once more Jason spoils it all by speaking. About how the dance is really just a matter of counting and equations and oh…can it, Jasebot. I rooted for Rachbot, and I’m almost rooting for you at this point, but keep it zipped. Especially if what you’re telling me is that I’ve got to look forward to your rumba next week.

RUB MA BOOBAH

Joy. Scores are in – 37.

WHOO!

Poor Kristina. It’s been a long time coming.

33 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 5 Performance

  1. Carl

    Why was Adam Garcia on the red button? Was he promoting Threesome, which I watch mostly to see the man who played the token straight on Lip Service?

    I didn’t notice any of those Kristina gems until I read your recap. Bitchfaces, bottom-patting, not lapsing into a coma when Jason is speaking…she can do it all!

    Even Brendan’s strop seemed like a joke. I think he is siphoning his more unpleasant qualities off to other pros.

    All of your comments about Alex and your Dr. Hamela interludes are priceless.

    Even reading this again I can’t remember enjoying any of these dances. The closest to enjoying would have been Artem and Holly, until she had to sit with her crotch on his knee.

    Reply
    1. trundles

      I’m enjoying those Kristina gems too. My favourite this week has to be the pic of her “accidental” reaction behind Aliona (and that bloke who stole Keith Flint’s firestarter eye-shadow) getting a ten from Notarlene.

      Reply
    2. monkseal Post author

      Brenda always follows up his strops with a little “self-awareness moment” these days. He’s perpetually self-sustaining. I do wonder when James will cotton on and start doing the same thing (probably never).

      Reply
  2. Allgrownup

    That’s not Holly laughing at a Tess “joke”, it’s her guffawing at Nat because Jason tried to get her to swap spots in the Tessanine so he could stand directly in front of the camera. I mean this is Holly we are talking about. The girl who went for nibbles while Artem was recreating (/hamming up) Blair Witch Project. Nibbles!!! Now that Nancy is gone (off to search DESIGNERGEAR) there is a distinct possibility we get Nat’n’Hollz-mock-Strictly with champers and nibbles. She already got the nibbles. πŸ˜€

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I feel they should be some sort of black market “blue button” commentary, occasionally hilariously making Karen pick her nose in shadow on the red button or something…

      Reply
  3. Neio

    Did Russell nick one of Natalie’s scarves for his rehearsals footage? Teef!

    I’m hoping the sight of Antony Costa from Blue in the audience isn’t a sign that he’ll be doing the show next year. Even Lee Ryan would be preferable.

    Reply
  4. Ferny

    Tess’s dress was actually alright on Halloween – I feel the costume department are going for irony, given that they dress Tess for Halloween every OTHER day of the year.

    Anita looked like a cross between Bette Midler and SJP in Hocus Pocus all night and that’s all I could see through their whole routine. She sort of evokes their spirit too.

    I like Chelsee as Wednesday, but only saw her for about 2 secs as Jason’s face got in the way.

    Reply
  5. Monaogg

    Russell did the Go Compare Tenor does Pugsley Adams πŸ˜‰ and Auldey should have played the Natalie eating plant!

    Reply
  6. Left Feet

    Just a word on Crotch Gate as I suppose it should be called. I don’t think the action has hurt Robbie Savage rather his reaction afterwards, where hes taken to Twitter calling people who don’t like it prudes. I mainly think that the people who didn’t like were the ones with taste.
    So sorry I don’t think he will make the final and I sort of hope he makes a Dan Lobb sort of boob in his VT moaning about Craig and bye bye Savage.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      He does seem to be being rather petulant about it. He’ll probably have a good week this week though (waltz, and we know he’s been designated a “ballroom boy”) and it’ll all be forgotten. He and Alex seem to be on some sort of Jordan see-saw. One week he’s pissy and she’s triumphant, the next he’s doing well and she’s a sexless slab of slab.

      Reply
      1. Carl

        I keep forgetting he has another ballroom. The last one he walked around aimlessly with an umbrella and got raves. Maybe this time he will branch out and walk around aimlessly with a colostomy bag.

  7. AWench

    Genius as always.

    Notice Bruno didn’t try to hump Alicia this week – that flounce must have been spring-loaded with razor wire and buckshot.

    (My autocorrect is on form this week, keeps correcting Bruno to Heinous!)

    Reply
  8. Jen

    Joe Calzaghe. The point is???? There is no point.

    And you ought to have been far harsher on Bloody Lulu. Bloody Lulu….. *hmph hmph*

    Poor Nancy. Don’t you feel she deserves her own programme? Something really heavyweight. Paxman-style. In-depth probing analysis. Or “How to speak English in an utterly bizarre fashion and confuse the natives”. Where’s a commissioning editor when you need one?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m finding Bloody Lulu more bearable the more she’s just an empty vessel for Brendan to do whatever the hell he wants with.

      Reply
  9. durnovarian

    You’re always good Monkseal, but you excelled yourself this time. It’s taken over 30 minutes to read this as I had to keep stopping to mop the tears of laughter and re-start normal breathing. Brilliant! πŸ˜€

    Reply
  10. Ferny

    I wish I’d been reading your comments in Snowdon year, because then I might know why people make a joke about her all the time (apart from about the Showdance obviously, as even without looking on the internet I worked out that that …thing….was the worst thing ever!)
    Please explain, I feel I’m missing something!

    I think Kristina has definitely stepped up on the choreography this year. I think her and Artem are fab at making interesting routines most of the time. I hate to think of Jase’s faces (it rhymes!) in the rumba.

    DESIGNER GEAR DESIGNERGEAR! lol I love that

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I will give the usual disclaimer that I didn’t dislike Lisa Snowdon but she was a bit too into it all. She kept on saying leaving would be like DYING and she couldn’t face up to life without Strictly and crying all the time and critiquing the other celebrities dancing and she kept on popping up on ITT in later series and talking about the show all the time and recreating dances on BINT-MODEL when she was the host and yeah…bit needy, bit over-invested.

      Reply
      1. Left Feet

        Lisa was probably the biggest superfan ever to take part. Mark Foster let slip that she knew who danced a routine just from the music which is a bit scary perhaps she should join the forums.

  11. Si Barone

    Aw. The Brenda strop was ho hum. I think it was the lack of the usual strop co-star — the door. Hissily smacking through a swing door gave the fits of pique the appropriate wah wah wah quality.

    Without the door to helpfully aid Brenda in fully expressing his petulance to the peak of his considerable abilities the magic was gone. Alas.

    I’m almost beginning to be won over by Aliona; simply because she annoys Len so very very much. The way he kept harping on about HOW SHE DESTROYED THE SANCTITY OF THE DANCE WITH FAFFING ABAAAAHT at every opportunity was simultaneously yawn-worthy and oddly amusing. I kept expecting cartoon steam to come out of his ears.

    Reply
  12. JillyBoyd

    I apologise for the short intermission in my reading this, mainly because I had no idea where I left off on when I got back.

    β€œIt means he wants to cuddle Craig on a donkey being driven by Telly Savalas!”

    Dead. Seriously. That is the best mental image in the world.

    For your music poll, I was going to suggest having Nancy and Anton do a selection of murderballads, a la Nick Cave. Come on, you know a cover of “Where the Wild Roses Grow” by the two of them would be EPICMAZING and also very scary.

    Thanks for posting the Evbot snippet. I have a massive crush on him and that made my day. And so did the Dr. Hamela interludes. I’m tempted to buy that whopper of a book of hers, just to see what it’s like.

    Reply
  13. PJO

    Superb as ever – thank you. But how could you have missed the fact that Alex has clearly grown a pair of ghostly white testicles? See Exhibit A – photo of Alex on slab. Shame she didn’t grab them in a Michael Jackson tribute. Or perhaps they belong to James?

    Reply

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