The scariest thing of all is that anyone is voting for Frankie Cock.
Scary : I know it’s a bit of a fool’s errand selecting people who did and did not stick with a Hallowe’en Theme given how loose and silly it is. Even a Christmas Theme makes more sense, as there actually have been succesful Christmas albums by pop artists, even as recently as Destiny’s Child. Hallowe’en though? No. Still it was nice that at least a few acts stuck to horrific concepts, like that employed by Janet Devlin – the idea that Ms Havisham would sit around bellowing Sting. I mean, it’s great that the stalkerific angle of “Every Breath You Take” was identified in a public context, but it would have been nice if it had been in any way in tune. To give her her due, she seemed to recognise it was horrific via the medium of pouting and looking sad after it was over, which is about as humble as this show gets these days.
I also quite enjoyed Marcus Collins as voodoo priest, surrounded by a load of male dancers (for once) plus one or two Mary Poppins. The random INXS felt a bit like Gary randomly thrashing around for modernity and he might want to grant Marcus a “Listen” soon if he wants to make a stab at the Alexandra Burke arc he should be aiming for if he wants to win (speaking of which, poor girl, I know she tried to be a worthwhile replacement, but she’ll never be as obnoxious as Kelly), but at the moment it’s all chugging along quite nicely thank you very much, if a little uneventfully.
Uneventful not being the word for Kitty Brucknell obviously, given that she strapped herself to a giant Catherine Wheel, decided that the melody of Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of Frankie Cockozza Being Eliminated) wasn’t really for her and auto-tuned her voice out to Cher levels. It was passable enough I guess, but really what Kitty is notable for these days is having VTs revolving around nothing more than her being sat in her pants reading the Internet, Googling her name every 5 seconds and taking whatever turns up entirely to heart. In many ways this is the show being the most honest about what its contestants can expect from life after it’s over, in a Steve Brookstein sort of way. I liked her naive shock that an up-turn in her bearability on Internet messageboards didn’t correspond with an upturn in fortune with the actual real-life public who don’t spend all day whining about the conspiracy of “who is stood to Dermot’s left”. Poor Kitty.
Also having Internet problems this week were BixMix who quite frankly wouldn’t be having any problems if they’d just chosen that name in the first place like I said, instead of NSPCC or Amnesty International or whatever their name used to be before they changed it to LittleMix. Anyway, their adventures into being avatars for all real girls that are real everywhere took a downwards turn this week, as one of them got called nasty names on twitter by one of those “hilarious” X Factor parody accounts. Oh dear. Still, they pulled together in a show of real friendship and sang “Bummed By A Martian” with the best make-up jobs this show has ever seen. For real. They had like…hankies with their faces painted on. Very cool. That alone makes their safety, and consequent status as BEST LOVED X-FACTOR GIRL BAND EVAH (OFFICIAL) understandable alone. You know, one step up from Phoebe & The Woo Woo Girls.
Spooky : And right in the middle by my count are the two acts that wound up in the bottom. Never pays to confuse people. Sophie Hasboobies and Misha B were both kind of unnerving, but not outright horrific. Sophie did a song about shooting people dead, but the most spine-creeping thing of all was the bizarre “I’M A RIGHT PROPER COCK-ER-NEE!” accent she put on to sing, which she’s never demonstrated before, and which mysteriously disappeared in the sing off again. It was a bit like that one week where Rachel Adedeji pretended to have a personality. London regionalism’s never really been a reality tv thing dear, but nice try. Misha on the other hand was scary mostly for that giant polystyrene horn and monobrow she was rocking as she brought down the original of Tainted Love by shoving a Lethal Bizzle rap right down the middle of it. I think she missed a trick not goring Louis or Tulisa in a RAGE at the end of the performance, but she made up for it with her amazing deployment of crying in the sing-off. Now there’s an artist.
Icky : Barlow probably did the worst job of sticking to the theme didn’t he? Utterly ignoring it with Frankie Cock unless you buy into the idea that the CHEEKY WEE CHAPPY is scary enough on his own to meet the theme (eh, probably). Bad form to the VT Editors on accidentally cuing up his VT from last week again. I like a bit of variety in my Schadenfreude. It was very convenient that the stairs down to the floor were manned by pliant screaming nubile teenage girls ready to reach out and touch him, rather than the flabby middle-aged women and balding dads of the “friends and family” kind you usually see there. Should he stay or should he go? Too easy.
Although at least I guess he lived up to the obnoxiousness he promises in his VT. Biscuit Factory can’t even do that these days, talking about how he’s going to be BOX-FRESH and surprise us all, and then singing Adele. Again. Who in a very real sense he sings every week. How annoying.
The Risk didn’t really live up to the theme either, except by flashing a giant “WARNING TOXIC!” sign out over their performance at the beginning. Which was fair enough, because it was by far their worst effort on the show thus far. Whoever they are these days. I miss the old days when it was just Derry, Andrew, Mutya, and that grumpy ginger one. Now half of the South-East appear to have been in the band at one point. Kudos to whichever one it was who jumped ship on this show this week. At least he recognised a sinking vessel as it took on water at a frightening rate, which is more than anyone else bar Kelly “Cough cough I’M SICK, HONEST” Rowland has managed.
They didn’t really bother with Wobbly Gay Johnny either, except maybe giving him a song with “Devil” in the title, but I’m glad Louis has once again found someone he can ape that’ll suit his voice rather than just going “LOL HE’S GAE, LETS DO KYLIE!”. Allison Moyet songs it is! Surely there must be enough of those to get him to the final yes? Yazzoo must have a club banger somewhere in their repertoire right?