A new Princess of Hearts is crowned.
Welcome back to St Lucia : Island of Awkward Silences. Having just dispatched April back to her life in England of beauty pageants, doing funny voices, and KRAZY NAN SATURDAYS, Gavbot is wandering around the deck of his penthouse, angsting over who out of the Final Two he truly loves most. And their boobs. One solitary rose is left, signifying Gavbot’s heart, granted to him by the Wizard all those years ago. Round the corner, Layla swings in a hammock, perilously close to a balcony, whilst Cawwianne stares at her whilst propped up against a wooden strut by the pool. The temptation for Cawwianne to just pull back and catapult her into the sea must be immense. Gavbot interviews that really Layla and Cawwianne have stood out from the start. He’s had a few hiccups with Cawwianne, and now a bit of a blip with Layla, but as we’re right at the end now, he can probably blackmail them into doing the full WAHEY for his love. If you know what I mean.
Cawwianne interviews that she really wants Gavbot to be her boyfriend, and she hopes he feels the same. Layla interviews that she really does like Gavin and she’s now got to the point where she would like to carry on dating him (you aren’t “dating him” now, dear. You’re sharing him with a nutcase and at this point it’s about a 20% share given that he can’t stay awake in your presence). She would be gutted if that all had to end now. (SPOILERS : LOL!).
But wait? What’s this? Gavbot’s family only agreed to let him shame the Henson name by doing this crappy show if he subbed them all a freebie holiday to the Carribbean? HOORAY! I mean, they’re adding a ridiculous “I have to get my family’s approval” angle, but we all know what this is about really. FREE LUNCHES FOR THE HENSONS! His sister, who is nominally “Sarah”, but who I am calling Gavina as a mark of affection, pops up from nowhere, wearing a pretty dress and a necklace made of gold and used condoms, and tells us she doesn’t want Gavin to date a “party girl”. She likes to think Gavin has realised there is more to life than that now. Or at least that’s what her mouth says. Her eyes and eyebrows say “WHERE’S THE MINIBAR? IT’S COMPLIMENTARY TOBLERONE O’CLOCK”. Mother Gavbot starts saying that Gavbot would be comfortable with the girl next door (judging from their living set-up, the “girl next door” is a goat) but it’s not going to be like that because…
“AS LONG AS SHE LIKES RUGBY!”. That’s Gavbot Sr by the way. Both Gavbot Sr and Mother Gavbot say that as long as the girl likes sport, that’s the main thing, because she’s going to have to pretend to be him at training, wearing a Gavin mask, an awful lot whilst he’s off auditioning for “The Voice” and “Signed By Katie Price 2 : This Time It’s Personal”. Also, as an afterthought, she’ll have to get on with his kids. What? Gavbot doesn’t have kids! What are you on about? (I wish they had been allowed to tag along. I really wanted Ruby to sit on Carrianne, stick her finger up her nose and shout “WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE THAT? DID YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT?”)
It’s time for a Gavbot Family Conference! They all sit round a table, and discuss what’s about to happen. Gavbot tells them that there’s two girls left and they’re completely different (one’s quiet and annoying, the other one’s loud and annoying). Gavbot Sr “jokes” if that means that one is really TALL and one is really SHORT HA HA and Gavina does one of the most awesome televised eye-rolls I have ever seen. It’s the Bolero of eye-rolls. 6.0s across the board for technical merit and artistic impression. Gavbot explains that “No, DAAAAAAAD, I mean they’ve got different PERSONALITIES, why are you so EMBARRASSING ALL THE TIME?”. He tells them all not to embarrass him, so obviously Gavbot Sr has to continue to joke about whether he can ask if they would be happy sharing Gavbot, in one of THOSE relationships. Mother Gavbot and Gavina tell him sto shut it, as though the answer would be anything other than “yes, alright, as long as it’s still in OK Magazine. Layla will have him Monday-Wednesday, Cawwianne will do Thursday – Saturday, and we’ll sub him to Laura on Sunday just so he remembers it could always be worse”.
Gavbot lies that he really respects his family’s opinion, and if they don’t like one of the girls, it might sway his opinion. (I’m so sure).
Gavbot introduces both his concubines to his family like it’s a slave auction, and his dad can have the one he dumps if Mother Gavbot doesn’t mind. (I think at this point Mother Gavbot would agree to shagging Cawwianne herself if it got her off Channel 5. She looks…vaguely mortified at everything). Everyone hugs and pulls faces and giggles awkwardly. Gavbot interviews that it is CRUCIAL that his girlfriend gets along with his family. Yes, I’m sure Charlotte was around for tea and cakes every Saturday afternoon.
First on the slab for a more thorough dissection is Layla. Everyone meets back round the Conference Table outside, and Mother Gavbot tentatively asks Layla if she’d be comfortable with being in the public eye. Layla responds that of course she would. She dated someone in “The Public Eye” for years (psst, Layla, the name of the band was “Blue”. I know, I’ve forgotten them already as well), so she’s used to it. Gavina sighs “aw, bless you”, in a way that I hope is either patronising or ironic. Mother Gavbot ploughs onwards, asking what first drew Layla to the celebrity millionaire rugby player Gavin Henson. She replies that it was when he told her that the two things he was most looking for in a relationship were “Trust” and “Honesty”. Little was she to know those were just the names he’d given her boobies.
We carry on with Mother Gavbot asking Layla if she wants a committed long-term relationship, because it’d probably be a good idea not to dick around with a man who’s got two pre-school age children. “Yes” is Layla’s answer, oddly enough. Gavina smiles sweetly and asks Layla if she would like to have children of her own one day, before Gavbot Sr ploughs in asking if she’s got kids already (no) and if she is in fact biologically capable of having them (also, yes). Gavbot Sr is super-tacky, although…I guess he’s just living up to the show. Everyone rolls their eyes lovingly at him and indulges his weird old-man-ness.
Layla hops off to interview that she finds it difficult to interact with most human beings (NO SHIT) but that was particularly terrifying. She thinks though, that it went ok.
Next Cawwianne marches up to the family squeaking “GIZZAHUG!” and laughing her head off. She tells them all she can’t believe how much they all look Gavin, and Mother Gavbot sighs and pushes the point and says “so you think she (*points to Gavina*) looks like Gavin do you?”. Heedless, Cawwianne just honks “YES!” and tells them all that they are very handsome. Gavina ascertains her age (24) and tells her that she’s such a baby. And in the age sense as well. Mother Gavbot grins and asks Cawwianne if she’s enjoyed “the process” and she replies yes, especially as it’s going well between her and Gavin.
Gavbot Sr immediately wants to know how she feels about kids, but Gavina tells him to lay off so they can ask why she likes Gavin so much. She replies that Gavin is WEW fit, but also like, really down-to-earth (just like her) and also really driven and determined (just like her agent). Mother Gavbot asks how she’s going to fit in with Gavbot rugby-avoiding commitments. Is she quite sporty? Cawwianne squeaks back “no!” and also goes on about how crap she is with kids. But she’s sure if you throw her in there with some she’ll be fine! She definitely won’t accidentally kill them. Just maybe burn them a bit. Round the edges. She also totally waps Gavbot Sr on the arm in a flirty way as they talk.
After finishing mourning the 752,645,900th break-up of Susan and Karl Kennedy (*sniff*) we’re back in with the verdict of Gavin’s family. Gavbot is stalking around his Infinity Pool suddenly struck by the idea that his family might not like EITHER of the girls, but he’s confident that’s not going to happen. How could you not like Layla AND Carrianne? (*looks surreptitiously at the show’s entire audience*).
Everyone sits around the table again, and we begin. Mother Gavbot thinks that Cawwianne is a bit too naive for Gavbot (*stifles laughter into handkerchief*) and really Layla has been around a bit and seen the world a bit more, just like him. Gavbot protests that the dizzy blonde thing with Cawwianne is just a bit of an act she plays on. She’s got a degree and everything, so her brain does work. (Cawwianne has a degree? Is it in Reality TV with this as her final exam? If so, I’m giving her a First).
Gavina next, and she says that thinks Layla seems very intelligent and is very pretty and mature, but she was very predictable and…Gavina doesn’t want to say “boring” but…well…boring. Gavbot Sr says that Layla was too confident for him, and too rehearsed. ALSO she reminded him of Stacey from Eastenders, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? Yeah watch out Gavbot, she might go around murdering people by dropping busts of Queen Victoria on their head and cheating on you with Max Branning.
Gavina interviews that she’s heard that Gavbot has shagged (/”made a really good connection”) with both girls, and she thinks they can both bring something different as a girlfriend. She thinks that Gavbot sees Layla as a strong, confident, intelligent mature woman who’d be great with his kids, but there’s a little niggle in his brain (*racist*) telling him that Cawwianne is young and flirty and fun. She hopes that Gavbot goes with what he really wants rather than what he thinks he should want.
BWAH! Gavina is blatantly TEAM CAWWIANNE and hates herself for it. I feel we are kindred spirits.
This stage over with, the Gavbot family go off to swim with dolphins, and it’s all down to Gavbot. He interviews that he’s now confident that whatever happens the Gavbot Family will welcome either girl in with open arms. Whatever Gavin, your mother hates Cawwianne and the other two already feel Layla getting on their nerves. This solved nothing.
It’s time now for one last date with each girl to help him decide who is his one true love. Carrianne is getting a trip to the rainforest. She twists a plait into her hair, spins around like a child for the mirror/cameras, and interviews that she gets nervous every time she sees Gavbot, which is really what she looks for in a boyfriend. Yeah, you and Little Mo. Gavbot meanwhile, is already there, with nuclear quantities of gel in his hair to stop it flooping around all over the shop.
They meet up on a walkway and hug. As they’re both wearing exactly the same coloured outfits (in this scene anyway, these people change clothes more often than a Katy Perry concert) Gavin giggles “great minds” whilst staring at Cawwianne’s tits. I feel this is the moment that truly ENCAPSULATES this show. They talk a little awkwardly about how Cawwianne’s meeting with the Gavbot Family went. She giggles that she got a big hug from them, then told them all they looked like men, and that she may well accidentally drown Molly and Dexter at bathtime OOPS. They walk around the undergrowth and eventually sit themselves down near a waterfall where both of them reminisce about their first meeting, where Cawwianne marched up to him, grabbed him by the crotch and yelled “SHOW US YOUR MUSCLES!”. Or something like that. And then barely got less embarrassing from there. Cawwianne giggles that she bet Gavbot thought she was CRAZY and Gavbot blushes and says “a little bit yeah”. Cawwianne continues honking away happily about what a NUTTER she is (REMEMBER THAT PHOTOSHOOT WHEN I SMASHED MY ARSE INTO YOUR CROTCH? LOL!) as Gavin mutters he wishes he too could be crazy and exciting sometimes, but he just can’t. He’s too much of a Bot.
Cawwianne giggles that she’s so excited that she made it this far, because she never thought that Gavbot would like her FOR REAL, just maybe as someone to keep around for a bit because she was pretty and fun. Well this is almost touching. I’M TEARING UP ALREADY. (LOL, not really). She squeaks that for their final date she just wants to chill out and hang out and flop around with Gavin and MAYBEHAVVAABIDDATOUCHYFEELY WINK WINK WINK.
Gavbot and Cawwianne frolic merrily semi-naked in the sea, with Cawwianne waxing lyrical about how she could live the pastoral ideal with Gavbot. She doesn’t even mind going to Wales for him! Wales! She’d love messing around on Gavbot’s dad’s farm and “chilling with the animals”. Gavbot protests that it totally his farm not his dad’s farm, he’s in charge, he’s even allowed to sit in the tractor if he doesn’t turn the engine on. Cawwianne says that she’d really love coming home to Gavbot, because at the moment she spends most of her life sitting on her own (I WONDER WHY!) and Gavbot asks her if he’s the type of guy she’d normally go for. Cawwianne says that he is. They both splash around and paw at one another and talk about how sweet they are, as twinkly piano music plays over the top.
Back to Gavbot’s Penthouse Suite now. The show tries its hand (poorly) at a bit of comedy innuendo editing, with Gavbot groaning “is that as hard as it can go?” over footage of abandoned towels and rose-petals. TURNS OUT HE’S JUST GETTING A MASSAGE! GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER etc etc. They both talk about their skin-care routines and massage one another and Cawwianne promises that she’d squeeze one of Gavbot’s spots for him if he really wanted. That’s TRUE love right there. We close with Cawwianne saying that she really enjoyed her massage with Gavin, although she knows hers was crap, but she thinks she has the edge over Layla just because Layla is so inhibited and won’t talk about her real feelings for Gavin, like what she has.
To close the date, Gavbot and Cawwianne both sit, and talk, awkwardly about how this might be the last time they ever see one another, drinking booze (*naturally*). Once outside Cawwianne bursts into tears at the very thought, and also that she might not quite have done enough to win Gavbot’s heart. I can’t BELIEVE they didn’t shag. Can’t, and don’t. Gavbot lies that he feels really uncomfortable watching a woman crying over him. IT’S SO DIFFICULT!
After I finish wondering when Martine McCutcheon is going to stop scarfing down yoghurt and get back to writing her AMAZING BOOKS, it’s time for Layla’s date. They’re meeting at the docks, as Gavbot reminisces about how their last date went quite badly. In that he fell asleep, then tried to make it for it by playing tennis with her. Which got rained out. Not that God was telling anyone anything with all that. Layla interviews that she’s really nervous, and she does like Cawwianne, after they foiled that bank robbery in Castries together with April (or whatever happened) BUT SHE’S NOT TAKING HER MAN FROM HER, NO SIR, (*finger waggle*). Is that one of those fabled “right reasons” for being here? So Cawwianne doesn’t win? I’ll take it.
They meet up, as Layla rides in via boat, and he tells her he really likes the colour of her dress. He asks her how meeting his family went, and she cackles that it was GREAT. His dad was HILARIOUS he really was. She’ll tell him later what he said BUT IT WAS BLOODY HYSTERICAL when he asked her if she had polycystic ovaries. AMAZING.
They sit down (I may be editing out lengthy montages at various points, which try to make Cawwianne seem human and Layla seem interesting. I’m sure you understand this) for a drink and talk about how adorable Mother Gavbot was. She really put Layla at ease with her constant questioning. She also loved Gavina, who offered the possibility of a double date with her and her boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife/I don’t know she doesn’t say at some point in the future, which apparently would be RIGHT UP LAYLA’S STREET A HA HA HA HA HA! OH AND GAVBOT’S DAD WAS SO FUNNY! HE KEPT ON ASKING HER MENTAL QUESTIONS. To say that Layla is laying it on a bit thick is an understatement on a par with “Laura was a bit unstable”, “the Voiceover Man sounds a little bit like he thinks this whole show might be beneath him” “Morgan’s nipples pointed in slightly different directions”, “Aaaaaaleeeeeeeyah’s marriage proposal went down quite poorly” and “this whole show has been a little tacky on occasion”.
There then follows a really awkward section that goes on forever where Gavbot instructs Layla as to the best angle to hold her elbow at whilst drinking in order to look like as much of a pillock (/Henson) as possible. He’s like Henry Higgins in reverse. Layla giggles that she LOVES IT and throws her hair around like Willow Smith. SO FLIRTY AND GIRLY! Gavbot interviews that he hopes that things get more serious after their romantic meal that he’s got planned for later and they can get back to that intimacy they shared earlier in the competition. Whenever that was. When they necked in that gondola? Was it then? Layla meanwhile interviews that she needs to really have fun with this date, but also let him now that she really wants him. Never has she sounded MORE like she’s reading off her little flashcards.
The sun sets, and the pair of them retire back to Gavbot’s penthouse. The show tries exactly the same innuendo line as it did with Cawwianne (“That’s dirty! Oooh, that’s real nice! Oh you like that do you?”) but sadly we don’t cut in to the middle of Gavbot and Layla having awkward perfunctory sex. No, they’re just talking about FOOD. Somehow. Mmm…dirty food. Layla eats something that has apparently blown Gavbot’s mouth out with its spiciness and proclaims that she can’t even feel it as it goes down. I think we have found a woman even Bottier than Gavin. He looks vaguely perturbed, as though he thinks she might not be even human. He flirts with her, asking if there’s a way he could train his tongue up to be as robust as hers, but she doesn’t have anything to flirt back with, so she just sits and giggles.
SEXUAL BANTER WAS NOT ON THE FLASHCARDS. DOES NOT COMPUTE, ERROR, ERROR, LAYLABOT 3000 WILL NOW RESET.
Once she’s refreshed her browser, she suggests that she and Gavbot might want to share a dip in the pool, or possibly have sex in the bed, wink wink? Gavbot seems keen, but first has a question. How would Layla react if he wanted to go out with his mates? Layla says she’d be FINE with it, she’d just go out with her female friends. That’s how you get a balance in your relationship! She’d hate to be with a guy who wouldn’t let her go out partying with her mates. Gavbot stalls at this sniffing a bit like a reversal of the whole “rebranding himself as a quiet family man who has grown beyond party girls and having fun” point of this show, so he pulls patented Gavbot Awkward Face and says he’d want Layla to stay in with him if he ever played in a big rugby match (like that’s ever going to happen) and needed a hug afterwards. Layla says that OF COURSE she’d do that, and she’d expect the same of him, after…what ever important thing it is she envisions that she might possibly do in her life. A photoshoot for Fabulous Magazine? Mercifully this awkwardness is broken by Layla offering Gavbot her mashed potatoes. PHEW.
She interviews that this is it, the FINAL HURDLE, SHE CAN’T LET UP NOW. She has to reassure him that she wants him. She does this by suggesting they get in the sexy sexy pool. Gavbot trumps this with the offer of a sexy sexy hot-tub.
How sexy? He’s filled it with BUBBLE BATH for a start. Bam chicka wah wah. It’s just missing a rubber ducky and a little ship that squirts water out when you squeeze it. Both of them climb in, and are immediately submerged under the bubbles. They drink booze (with Layla squeaking “well that popped quicker than I expected” as they crack open the champagne which…too easy. Too too easy, even for me), they snog, their hands…fiddle around under the water. Layla interviews that there was a lot of chemistry in the jacuzzi (mostly the chemicals in the nuclear quantities of bubble bath I’m guessing) and she “took full advantage of what was on offer”. Was “what was on offer” a penis Layla? Never has she sounded more robotic. She’s not going to tell us what happened, but it SURE WAS SEXY, THAT’S FOR SURE! Gavbot interviews that he had an amazing night, and Layla smiles that she didn’t really tell him how she felt, but she thinks that her actions, when she kissed him like a grouper and pulled away giggling manically, then repeated, for half an hour, said more than words ever could.
Gavbot whines some more about how tough this all is for him as he has two smashing girls fighting over his dick and it’s a WORLD OF HURT FOR HENSON. On the long list of things I will miss about this series, this emphatically does not feature.
After wondering just how tragic it is that that man and his robot on the lotto advert have more genuine sexual tension between them than there’s been on this entire show in two and a half months (TWO AND A HALF MONTHS, OF YOUR LIFE, ON THIS) it’s time for the final decision. Are you ready?
Blah blah blah, soul-searching, blah blah blah, the decision is made, blah blah blah, finally Gavbot has the chance to tell the girl of his dreams exactly how he feels IN A SONG? No, sadly, not in a song.
Layla interviews that she’s never felt this nervous in her entire life, not even when she was in the Bottom Two with Bad Lashes and Simon took things to deadlock. This could be the start of something amazing in her life, because Gavbot is so honest and so respectful and full of heart, and most importantly he’s a Bot. Just like her. Simon From Blue was never a bot. This could be IT! THIS COULD BE REAL ROBOT LOVE!
Cawwianne meanwhile just cries and talks about how shit this whole situation is. She never envisioned being so ACTUALLY invested in things. She thought this would just be an opportunity to appear on Channel 5 acting like a dizzy tart for a month or so so she could pick up modelling jobs. SHE NEVER KNEW THAT THERE WOULD BE FEELINGS INVOLVED! SHE HASN’T FELT LIKE THIS SINCE SHE WAS 18!
It is time. Gavin walks out onto some sort of bizarre M C Escher structure of struts and walkways that overlap and criss-cross and intersect and duck under and over one another in impossible infinite variations. I think there is a very real possibility that the losing girl may be stuck here forever. The women will walk out to meet him, one after the other, and hear their fate.
Layla is first (which is honestly the very first time in the last month or so I’d even considered she might lose because…why would you do that first? But then it was pointed out to me that if Cawwianne lost the Schadenfreude alone could have masqueraded as the true point of the last 10 weeks anyway) and wearing a truly hideous green leopard-print dress. Is that the sort of outfit you’d want to wear when you were told you’d won? No, no it is not. She walks up to Gavbot who tells her she looks amazing, as she always does. He starts with a heavy sigh, and tells Layla that he’s felt a connection to her since the first time he saw her. He really feels he can be himself around her, and he’s always excited to see her. She’s someone he’s been looking for for a long time, because she has all the qualities he looks for in a woman. She’s truly a beautiful person and that’s why he wants to ask her to do him the honour of…
PISSING OFF SO THAT HE CAN DATE CARRIANNE INSTEAD!
CATS AND DOGS LIVE TOGETHER, HUMAN SACRIFICE, FIRE AND BRIMSTONE RAIN FROM THE SKY, THE SEAS AND RIVERS BOIL, FORTY YEARS OF DARKNESS, VOLCANOS, THE DEAD RISE FROM THE GRAVE, FALSE PROPHETS DECEIVE MANY, WARS AND RUMORS OF WARS ABOUND, FAMINE, PASTILENCE, DEATH, EARTHQUAKES, PERSECUTIONS AND TORTURES TO THE ELECT, LAWLESSNESS, THE LOVE OF MANY GROWS COLD, CARRIANNE WINS THE GAVBOTCHELER!
Truly we are living in the end times. Barricade yourself in the nearest cellar and pray that when judgment comes you are not found wanting!
Anyway, Layla wanders off, awkwardly, and looks right down the camera as if to say “WTF? Carrianne?”
As Carrianne walks out, the heavens open, as God himself wishes to cast his watery judgment on the Seventh Seal being opened and the apocalypse bought on humanity. Cawwianne giggles that she’s really glad that when she sees Gav next she’s going to find out if she’s going to be his girlfriend. They meet, they hug, they both tear up a little, and he declares his love for Cawwianne. It starts raining HARDER. He tells her that they’ve been on an incredible journey together, that she’s here for the right reasons, that they’ve shared a moment, that it’s been really tough for him, that he really has strong feelings for her and that he’d like her to be his girlfriend. They cling to one another as the rain turns the ocean into a flood, and an octopus the size of Malta lurches out the sea, screaming through an unnatural mutated beak and thrashing its tentacles about, destroying building and dismantling hideaway spas. The forests burn and the sky turns purple and smoky. Bruno Mars starts on the soundtrack as St Lucia slowly sinks beneath the waves forever, submerged by God’s wrath for all time as a lesson to humanity not to fornicate with squeaky voiced bints.
THE GAVBOTCHELER! THE END!
(*thank you for reading*)