Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 4 Results


This week’s pro-dance begins with


Aliona asleep! Lazy bint. Either that or she’s fallen over backwards under the sheer weight of make-up on her face. Eventually she hauls herself up, just in time for the


sexy sexy dancing. I swear, Robin & Kristina are a Grand Theft Auto mission in the making. You could have to drive after and gun down all the people who know she’s his beard whilst she rides along and bitches him out in Russian. It’s so sexy,


it’s on podiums! Everyone grinds up against one another whilst Pitbull does…whatever that thing it is that Pitbull does that isn’t rapping or singing. Such an innovator. We are in full on salsambchambo territory here, with lots of wriggling and shimmying and boob-touching and sexy-sexing and I’m SO pissed that Anton & Erin weren’t invited to join in. Instead there’s just Aliona & Artem, Robin & Kristina, James & Ola and Pasha &


Katya, winking like a saucy toothless pirate’s wench. Not that Kristina’s old IN ANY WAY, but she does rather stick out as like the older woman from the office who’s tagged along and wants everyone to know that she knows the words. YOU KNOW YOU WANT HER! (*skids on spilled drink and falls on arse and has to be helped up by Artem and Pasha*)



That over, here’s Tess


Apparently some people were saying this dress was worse than what she was wearing last night. Really? REALLY?

Oh dear...

No. Anyway, Tess reminds us that it is Sunday, and yesterday it was Saturday, because Sunday is the day that comes after Saturday (FUN FUN, TALKING BOUT FUN!) and she makes a joke about how Russell had his teddy and James threw his toys out his pram. As usual when Tess makes a funny she


pulls a super smug face afterwards. Also as usual, nobody laughs. She reintroduces us to our judges, and of course


Claudia. Who is dressed much more subdued this week. Can’t wait to see what she knocks up for Hallowee’en. She tells us all that on the menu this evening is our annual Argentine Tango showcase from Vincent and Flavia, slow-mo gold oozing out of Len’s Glans, and someone called Caro Emerald, who apparently made such an impression on me I’ve been calling her Caro Diamond all week. But first! It’s time for a recap. In which I learnt :

a) Jason is

So dignified

so noble in defeat. Look at that heroic bearing. He’s not at all going to snap Dom Littlewood style in about three weeks time, screaming “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!” and shoving Holly down the stairs of the Tessanine when she scores the first 40/40 of the series.

b) Alex thinks “sexless” is the worst insult you can possibly give a person.

Boo hoo, boo hoo

Obviously not read this blog then. (Thank Christ)

c) Rory’s mission is to please Craig. Save it for the Green Room, Rory.

d) Erin’s mission


is to remember whether she pre-ordered the Dulce de Leche Haagen Dazs for her arrival at Erin Island. SHIT! SHE FORGOT! NOW IT’S RUINED!

e) Audley thinks his foxtrot was the “sweetest cherry” he’s had on the show, for DARNED sure.

f) Nancy thinks she was probably out of time.

g) Brenda thinks the judges needs to stand up and take a good look at themselves in the mirror. Whilst stood next to

Yip yip

this thing on Lulu’s head.

h) Artem is taking this princess thing


to heart

i) Chelsee is quite pleased to have scored quite well

j) Harry and Aliona have



k) Anita is


POISED AND READY to snatch up that “Older Ladies Deodorant Commercial” deal not that Eggwina’s left.

l) Ola saying “locks” is adorable (in a non-patronising sort of way, obviously)

m) Russell Grant believes he will go down in history as a Strictly Legend. What an honour. SCREW YOU NOBEL PEACE PRIZE COMMITTEE! WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?!



Safety Sex-Faces?


Right on. Meaning our first couple in danger are :


STOKE UP THE ENGINES! The audience let out a great big AWWWWWWWWWW! I think the problem is that Rory & Erin are a couple that nobody really LIKED but they feel like they shouldn’t really be going before Nancy/Bloody Lulu (*delete as per your tribal affiliation*). Sadly, reality tv does not work like that.

Len is asked if he is surprised that the couple on early in the running order, given lukewarm comments in a week full of controversy, scored in the bottom two positions on the leaderboard doing Erin Boag auto-Latin choreography, is in the Bottom Two. Guess what?


HE TOTALLY IS! It wasn’t Rory’s best dance, but it wasn’t his worst dance either! Erm…yes it was? Tess talks some utter mince about the “tears of a clown” and throws matters up to Claudia and the safe celebrities who are in an appropriately sombre mood over the comedic heart of the show being in peril.


Can I retroactively go back and edit in that picture as being taken at Widdy’s elimination? Anyway, Claudia asks Chelsee if she is happy and proud to have finished on top of the leaderboard. She is! And excited! See? She teased out an extra bit of an insight. Don’t get that with Tess. Claudia next turns to Anita and tells her that she looked so emotional on Saturday that she wanted to climb inside the television and cuddle her. Sadly this did not work, and she can’t get the mascara off the screen no matter how hard she rubs with that sulphuric acid.

Such fun!

Anita spiels on about just wanting to be told that she’d got better, and she was told that, and it was all just so so so amazing and she’s really really loving the whole show but



We close with a round of applause for Harry, in celebration of him getting the first 10 of the night!


Claudia, the 10 you held up for Russell as soon as you saw the teddy does not count as official. Especially as you drew it on your child’s face as you waved it at the tv. Harry says that getting a 10 was better than getting 8 number 1s with McFlea. EIGHT? THEY’VE HAD EIGHT? Jeez… In MY day Westlife had to work and SCRAPE etc etc…

Next up :


THIS IS KARA EMERALD! Whoever that is. She seems like she’s part of this whole 1940s revival that makes it impossible for me to tune in to Radio 2, not even for a second, because IT NEVER ENDS. Really I can’t get into this whole “nostalgia for the war period” thing, because…well…people like me were outcasts from society at that time. They hadn’t even invented the GAME BOY for God’s sake, let alone the Wii. THAT’S NOT LIVING! THAT’S NOT EVEN EXISTING!

Anyway, Caro Emerald sings the sound-track to a future Marks & Spencer Christmas advert featuring Robson Green as a sexy Santa being pursued by…I don’t know, Keeley Hawes probably, it usually bloody is. Better than a Randy Twiggy I guess. After a while of this it’s time for


TEAM KA$HA as I (and no-one else) have taken to calling them. They play-act around the floor and…my goodness they’re jiving at a ridiculous speed. I did try to catch a picture but my computer actually EXPLODED with the effort of capturing their superhuman movements, so you’ll have to take my word for it. They jive and charleston and jarlston and jig about and


sigh. I haven’t loved a pro-pairing this much since the hay-days of Ian & Natalie (NEVA 4GET!)


Claudia is, as ever


super-enthusiastic. Maybe it’s just because she knows it’s time for…LEN’S GLANS!


Who’s he thinking of there? I think it might be Audley. If you get my drift.

First TREAT is to watch Len titting around with Lulu’s trumpet. He tells us all that it’s hard to believe that it could be so difficult to spout up one end and blow out the other. I know Len, every week you make it look SO NATURAL. Next up is everyone ooh’ing and ahh’ing over how amazing and daring and ELEGANT, Anita’s American Smooth lifts were.


What’s so elegant about that? Green-screen out Robin and it’s the opening credits for a 21st century revamp of Supergran. Next up, also via Anita, we get a slow-mo close-up of a


heel-turn! An actual one! I almost feel like I’m learning something, that will NEVER DO, quick, let’s make fun of how stupid someone’s stupid face looks…


HOORAY! CRISIS AVERTED! Alesha promises that if Robbie doesn’t get a hair commercial after this show is over she will EAT HER ARM! Well, it’s a new one I guess.

We all pretend Rory’s hips in the cha cha weren’t an offence to God, and then oh dear, the segment’s already run out of fun it cane have with slow-mo, so let’s just have a minute of Anton grunting whilst hauling Nancy around like a fairground hammer. We all know what Anton sounds like mid-coitus now. WHAT HAVE YOU WROUGHT, LEN’S GLANS? Alesha, Len and Bruno all cack themselves laughing whilst Craig and I


share a wavelength now more than ever. Everyone agrees that, no really, Nancy is great fun and not at all a massive pain-in-the-arse, yes indeed, such fun. And finally, of course, what could a section devoted to slow-mo be without


the slowest mo of them all?

It’s just bullying at this point isn’t it?

(Sidebar : There is currently a MASSIVE FURORE in America over Bruno telling Chaz Bono he danced like a penguin. I have seen him described as a “bigot” over it on the Internet. In all seriousness. And not even a motorway-cafe wind-up post either. Last year there was a MASSIVE FURORE over him saying pussy. Just in case anyone had lost their perspective on how censored and PC GONE MAD and coddled we supposedly are in this country these days.)

Next up – a very important piece of news :

Oh no!
Oh no!

That’s right, they’re letting Darcey Bussell have another go as Guest Judge. (LOL, not really, it’s Hallowe’en Week. Or, for Nancy, Dress-Down Saturday)

More Safety Sex-Faces?


This leaves only Nancy & Anton and Alex & James with Alex, naturally, looking like she’s about to barf over the balcony with terror. Mercifully for the Strictly Clean-Up Crew, it is revealed quickly that


Nancy is the one in danger here. Again. Still doesn’t


completely ease Alex’s nerves though.

Craig is asked if he’s worried that he might never get to see that potential from Nancy that he pretended that he thought he saw. Craig’s all “yeah, whatever. I’ll mostly miss what a big old campy blancmange of a mess she is, crawling her way out the dance gutter like an angry tramp looking for chips”.

Next up :


IT’S OUR 15TH ANNUAL VINCENT & FLAVIA ARGENTINE TANGO SHOWCASE! This of course means we’re getting one next week, and word is that it’s going to be coming from Chelsee & Pasha. Careful you two! Argentine Tango in Hallowe’en Week is CURSED I TELL YOU! CURSED WORSE THAN BRENDA’S SAMBA ROLLS! Anyway, yes Vincent & Flavia are as Vincent & Flavia as ever. One day I do hope they


stick a sparkler to her shoe so we can actually see her write her name in the air.





Calm down Len...


It’s all here. Except the bum-bongos. Sigh. Maybe one year…



Up on Claud Nine, Nancy’s all

Is easy!

“pfft, I could do that”. Whilst Erin’s all “I have never ever done that, nor am I ever going to at this rate. Ever. This is why I have Erin’s Island. I’ll sub-let you a beach-hut if you want.” Claudia asks Rory what went wrong such that he is here in the Bottom Two. Rory replies “the dance”, accurately enough. He then goes on to spiel about how it is a tragedy that Erin is here anyway, as she is an inspiration to all. Erin’s all


“whatever mate, I’ve had more “Third Eliminated”‘s than you’ve got impressions. I’ll get over it”. He closes by saying he’ll miss the show like he would miss a LIMB, which…is where he lost me a little. That’s Snowdon talk, that is. Nancy meanwhile just cackles and says it all went better in rehearsal anyway.

Mmmm hmmmm

I’m SO SURE. Then she snogs Anton on the ear. The crowd go “AWWWWWWW!”. Bugger knows why.

They beg via VT and as usual, I’m not recapping it, and going home is


Rory. Poor Nancy. Another week in that bull-pen. Don’t ask how it’s relevant for the rumba, IT JUST IS. Tess asks Rory what his Strictly Highlight was, and he replies that it was his quickstep, with shimmying at John Prescott a close second. He will remember that Quickstep for the REST OF HIS LIFE! THANK YOU ERIN! Erin is asked if she has something to say, and of course she does. She just wants to thank Peter…


no, hang on, Willie? Ricky? The Other Peter? Who was that black guy… anyway, whoever you are you are a true gent and will be a ballroom legend in her heart FOREVER. Rory starts to cry a little, the big nelly.



TO THE ISLAND! Next year, let’s dig up Ginge as well. Just for Erin. STRICTLY COME LESBIANS, 2012!

31 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 4 Results

  1. Han

    It’s a marginally better dress, but significantly worse hair and lipstick. Hence as an ensemble…it’s ever so slightly worse.

      1. Marie

        The more I think about, the more I like the Vernon’s-mum-is-her-stylist theory. It explains so much.

      2. monkseal Post author

        It’s alright, they’ve given Mondo a whole rigged All-Stars series to win to make up for it.

  2. Bella

    Wonderful recap, as usual.
    However, I’m surprised that you didn’t mention how the results show started with a full view of Pasha’s face. If every results show opened like that, they might actually be worthwhile.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m hoping there plenty for full shots on Pasha’s Face. Sorry I mean full shots OF Pasha’s face. Ahem.

  3. Carl

    This was one of your best yet. I am still laughing at the “slowest mo of them all.”

    The pros seem much more excited about staying than the celebrities do. I’m not sure if that’s genuine or if they’ve just perfected fake reactions.

    Katya and Pasha were so fantastic. I am sick of all these edgy, daring, penis-envy machismo fests that all blur together. I’m sick of the open-shirted, fling across room, angsty nonsense where the lighting is so dark you can’t tell if your television set is broken. There was so much greatness in that jive/quickstep/whatever – the cheers when Katya showed up, Pasha’s red shirt, the cheesy moment where he tried to flirt with Caro, Pasha’s red shirt, Katya fanning herself, Pasha’s red shirt. And the dancing too. They were also having so much fun. Dancing can be fun, or at least fun to watch.

    Poor Alex. She looks a little like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Or a Muppet. Or both.

    I think I’m the only person who thinks Robbie’s hair looks awful.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I don’t like long hair on men at all, or tattoos, at all, so the whole Robbie thing passes me by entirely, and I wave at it as it goes past.

      How much more excited the pros are at staying in is as nothing to compared to how much more excited they get by winning.

      1. Carl

        I’m sure some men work with long hair, but i just don’t get it with Robbie. He looks like a pony, a pony with black roots. It also seems plastic. I guess at least it’s still better than what James has on his head (even he called it “the rat”).

      2. min

        The results on Dancing with the Stars this week – last week? – I forget where we are on DWtS timeline land were amazing.

        Everyone looked genuinely devastated to be staying and at least 2 couples looked like they were going to demand a recount.

  4. Robbie

    God, I love your recaps! (off-topic: pleeeaasse say you’re doing one for the horrid Apprenti-babies?!)

    I can totally get behind KA$HA – well, I can totally get behind Pa(redacted)…

    1. monkseal Post author

      I am doing an Apprentice Babies recap, albeit one without pictures. It should be up Friday sometime, and then move into the spot which The Bachelor is vacating in my schedule.

  5. Ferny

    Love Artem in a tiara – that’s some first class editing skills right there 🙂

    I agree that Audley or Nancy are probz going next, but they’re 2 of my faves too! Nancy for the madness, Audley for ‘awww bless’ factor.

    I hope that’s not Artem’s sex face.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Ha, it’s awful editing, but I get like that at this stage in my recapping weekly cycle. Copy, paste, BUNG IT OUT.

  6. joanne

    Lol love your blog…Pasha is adorable, so nice and he has normal teeth that don’t blind you when he smiles, plus he never looks orange and he actually choreographs without the entire use of the props of shaftsbury theatre….i hope pocket rocket and Pasha win 🙂 keep your blog up it’s hilarious 🙂

    1. monkseal Post author

      You wait, by the middle of the next series he’ll be skate-boarding across the dance-floor with the rest of them. This show CORRUPTS.

      (Except Erin, who will be the same until she DIES)

  7. Allgrownup

    Natalie is seriously overdoing it with the safety-sex faces now, even Audley isn’t convinced. 😀 I take it as another way for Nat to take the piss out of this show and say that Project Natalie4DarkSide is a go.

  8. Ferny

    This is almost completely unrelated but walking around the Trafford Centre today I say a ‘Strictly Fabulous’ make-up set which was official and everything. And guess who was on the front? Natalie! And Katya was sort of faded into the background (awww). Just thought it was strange merchandise to branch out into since in real life their make-up would make them look terrifying.

    Also, Steps turned up (didn’t know it was going to happen before I went so that was a good surprise), but after watching the reunion programme, all I was interested in was trying to work out who still hated who. I was probably imagining it but the presenters asked everyone a question and talked to them except for Lee who they just told looked the same as he did 10 years ago. He did look a bit put out when they immediately went back to Claire…:-) (HE’S NOT THERE JUST FOR HIS LOOKS REMEMBER!!!)
    I’m actually quite sad I’m not going to the tour 😦 (I went first time around and still have the merchandise I bought!)

    /pointless gabble

  9. Stormy

    No, no, the Sunday Tess Dress was definitely worse. At least the 70’s nightmare didn’t look like she ripped half of it off and replaced it with Alex’s rumba…thing… spray painted black. The only thing that would have made that dress worse would be if it had been in that gold lame that Tess loves so much.

  10. Marcela

    A bit of a late comment but just stopped by to say you came AHT and did a fab recap, as always!

    Did you notice at the very end when everyone went to hug Rory and Erin went to talk to Anton, beaming like a ray of sunshine and whispered something in his ear? I bet she was saying “Don’t worry dear, it’ll be you next week”

    And… I’m totally in love with Pasha and it’s your fault 😛
    Team Kasha is the best thing that’s happened to Strictly in years! 🙂

    1. monkseal Post author

      She was probably asking which room he wanted in the hotel on Erin Island. They’re all themed after cocktails!

  11. Si Barone

    Pasha and Katya are my new favourite duo. I agree Ian and Natalie were fabulousness personified though; the ridiculous poses in their photoshoot on her website are endlessly amusing.

    Behold this magnificence:


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