LAND HO!! ERIN ISLAND OFF THE PORT BOW!
This week’s pro-dance begins with
Aliona asleep! Lazy bint. Either that or she’s fallen over backwards under the sheer weight of make-up on her face. Eventually she hauls herself up, just in time for the
sexy sexy dancing. I swear, Robin & Kristina are a Grand Theft Auto mission in the making. You could have to drive after and gun down all the people who know she’s his beard whilst she rides along and bitches him out in Russian. It’s so sexy,
it’s on podiums! Everyone grinds up against one another whilst Pitbull does…whatever that thing it is that Pitbull does that isn’t rapping or singing. Such an innovator. We are in full on salsambchambo territory here, with lots of wriggling and shimmying and boob-touching and sexy-sexing and I’m SO pissed that Anton & Erin weren’t invited to join in. Instead there’s just Aliona & Artem, Robin & Kristina, James & Ola and Pasha &
Katya, winking like a saucy toothless pirate’s wench. Not that Kristina’s old IN ANY WAY, but she does rather stick out as like the older woman from the office who’s tagged along and wants everyone to know that she knows the words. YOU KNOW YOU WANT HER! (*skids on spilled drink and falls on arse and has to be helped up by Artem and Pasha*)
That over, here’s Tess
Apparently some people were saying this dress was worse than what she was wearing last night. Really? REALLY?
No. Anyway, Tess reminds us that it is Sunday, and yesterday it was Saturday, because Sunday is the day that comes after Saturday (FUN FUN, TALKING BOUT FUN!) and she makes a joke about how Russell had his teddy and James threw his toys out his pram. As usual when Tess makes a funny she
pulls a super smug face afterwards. Also as usual, nobody laughs. She reintroduces us to our judges, and of course
Claudia. Who is dressed much more subdued this week. Can’t wait to see what she knocks up for Hallowee’en. She tells us all that on the menu this evening is our annual Argentine Tango showcase from Vincent and Flavia, slow-mo gold oozing out of Len’s Glans, and someone called Caro Emerald, who apparently made such an impression on me I’ve been calling her Caro Diamond all week. But first! It’s time for a recap. In which I learnt :
a) Jason is
so noble in defeat. Look at that heroic bearing. He’s not at all going to snap Dom Littlewood style in about three weeks time, screaming “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!” and shoving Holly down the stairs of the Tessanine when she scores the first 40/40 of the series.
b) Alex thinks “sexless” is the worst insult you can possibly give a person.
Obviously not read this blog then. (Thank Christ)
c) Rory’s mission is to please Craig. Save it for the Green Room, Rory.
d) Erin’s mission
is to remember whether she pre-ordered the Dulce de Leche Haagen Dazs for her arrival at Erin Island. SHIT! SHE FORGOT! NOW IT’S RUINED!
e) Audley thinks his foxtrot was the “sweetest cherry” he’s had on the show, for DARNED sure.
f) Nancy thinks she was probably out of time.
g) Brenda thinks the judges needs to stand up and take a good look at themselves in the mirror. Whilst stood next to
this thing on Lulu’s head.
h) Artem is taking this princess thing
i) Chelsee is quite pleased to have scored quite well
j) Harry and Aliona have
SO MUCH CHEMISTRY!
k) Anita is
POISED AND READY to snatch up that “Older Ladies Deodorant Commercial” deal not that Eggwina’s left.
l) Ola saying “locks” is adorable (in a non-patronising sort of way, obviously)
m) Russell Grant believes he will go down in history as a Strictly Legend. What an honour. SCREW YOU NOBEL PEACE PRIZE COMMITTEE! WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?!
EH? AND TO THINK THEY CALLED HIM MAD!
Right on. Meaning our first couple in danger are :
STOKE UP THE ENGINES! The audience let out a great big AWWWWWWWWWW! I think the problem is that Rory & Erin are a couple that nobody really LIKED but they feel like they shouldn’t really be going before Nancy/Bloody Lulu (*delete as per your tribal affiliation*). Sadly, reality tv does not work like that.
Len is asked if he is surprised that the couple on early in the running order, given lukewarm comments in a week full of controversy, scored in the bottom two positions on the leaderboard doing Erin Boag auto-Latin choreography, is in the Bottom Two. Guess what?
HE TOTALLY IS! It wasn’t Rory’s best dance, but it wasn’t his worst dance either! Erm…yes it was? Tess talks some utter mince about the “tears of a clown” and throws matters up to Claudia and the safe celebrities who are in an appropriately sombre mood over the comedic heart of the show being in peril.
Can I retroactively go back and edit in that picture as being taken at Widdy’s elimination? Anyway, Claudia asks Chelsee if she is happy and proud to have finished on top of the leaderboard. She is! And excited! See? She teased out an extra bit of an insight. Don’t get that with Tess. Claudia next turns to Anita and tells her that she looked so emotional on Saturday that she wanted to climb inside the television and cuddle her. Sadly this did not work, and she can’t get the mascara off the screen no matter how hard she rubs with that sulphuric acid.
Anita spiels on about just wanting to be told that she’d got better, and she was told that, and it was all just so so so amazing and she’s really really loving the whole show but
DON’T TOUCH HER BOBBY CLAUDIA, OR SHE WIW KICK OFF!
We close with a round of applause for Harry, in celebration of him getting the first 10 of the night!
Claudia, the 10 you held up for Russell as soon as you saw the teddy does not count as official. Especially as you drew it on your child’s face as you waved it at the tv. Harry says that getting a 10 was better than getting 8 number 1s with McFlea. EIGHT? THEY’VE HAD EIGHT? Jeez… In MY day Westlife had to work and SCRAPE etc etc…
Next up :
THIS IS KARA EMERALD! Whoever that is. She seems like she’s part of this whole 1940s revival that makes it impossible for me to tune in to Radio 2, not even for a second, because IT NEVER ENDS. Really I can’t get into this whole “nostalgia for the war period” thing, because…well…people like me were outcasts from society at that time. They hadn’t even invented the GAME BOY for God’s sake, let alone the Wii. THAT’S NOT LIVING! THAT’S NOT EVEN EXISTING!
Anyway, Caro Emerald sings the sound-track to a future Marks & Spencer Christmas advert featuring Robson Green as a sexy Santa being pursued by…I don’t know, Keeley Hawes probably, it usually bloody is. Better than a Randy Twiggy I guess. After a while of this it’s time for
TEAM KA$HA as I (and no-one else) have taken to calling them. They play-act around the floor and…my goodness they’re jiving at a ridiculous speed. I did try to catch a picture but my computer actually EXPLODED with the effort of capturing their superhuman movements, so you’ll have to take my word for it. They jive and charleston and jarlston and jig about and
sigh. I haven’t loved a pro-pairing this much since the hay-days of Ian & Natalie (NEVA 4GET!)
Claudia is, as ever
super-enthusiastic. Maybe it’s just because she knows it’s time for…LEN’S GLANS!
Who’s he thinking of there? I think it might be Audley. If you get my drift.
First TREAT is to watch Len titting around with Lulu’s trumpet. He tells us all that it’s hard to believe that it could be so difficult to spout up one end and blow out the other. I know Len, every week you make it look SO NATURAL. Next up is everyone ooh’ing and ahh’ing over how amazing and daring and ELEGANT, Anita’s American Smooth lifts were.
What’s so elegant about that? Green-screen out Robin and it’s the opening credits for a 21st century revamp of Supergran. Next up, also via Anita, we get a slow-mo close-up of a
heel-turn! An actual one! I almost feel like I’m learning something, that will NEVER DO, quick, let’s make fun of how stupid someone’s stupid face looks…
HOORAY! CRISIS AVERTED! Alesha promises that if Robbie doesn’t get a hair commercial after this show is over she will EAT HER ARM! Well, it’s a new one I guess.
We all pretend Rory’s hips in the cha cha weren’t an offence to God, and then oh dear, the segment’s already run out of fun it cane have with slow-mo, so let’s just have a minute of Anton grunting whilst hauling Nancy around like a fairground hammer. We all know what Anton sounds like mid-coitus now. WHAT HAVE YOU WROUGHT, LEN’S GLANS? Alesha, Len and Bruno all cack themselves laughing whilst Craig and I
share a wavelength now more than ever. Everyone agrees that, no really, Nancy is great fun and not at all a massive pain-in-the-arse, yes indeed, such fun. And finally, of course, what could a section devoted to slow-mo be without
the slowest mo of them all?
It’s just bullying at this point isn’t it?
(Sidebar : There is currently a MASSIVE FURORE in America over Bruno telling Chaz Bono he danced like a penguin. I have seen him described as a “bigot” over it on the Internet. In all seriousness. And not even a motorway-cafe wind-up post either. Last year there was a MASSIVE FURORE over him saying pussy. Just in case anyone had lost their perspective on how censored and PC GONE MAD and coddled we supposedly are in this country these days.)
Next up – a very important piece of news :
That’s right, they’re letting Darcey Bussell have another go as Guest Judge. (LOL, not really, it’s Hallowe’en Week. Or, for Nancy, Dress-Down Saturday)
More Safety Sex-Faces?
This leaves only Nancy & Anton and Alex & James with Alex, naturally, looking like she’s about to barf over the balcony with terror. Mercifully for the Strictly Clean-Up Crew, it is revealed quickly that
Nancy is the one in danger here. Again. Still doesn’t
completely ease Alex’s nerves though.
Craig is asked if he’s worried that he might never get to see that potential from Nancy that he pretended that he thought he saw. Craig’s all “yeah, whatever. I’ll mostly miss what a big old campy blancmange of a mess she is, crawling her way out the dance gutter like an angry tramp looking for chips”.
Next up :
IT’S OUR 15TH ANNUAL VINCENT & FLAVIA ARGENTINE TANGO SHOWCASE! This of course means we’re getting one next week, and word is that it’s going to be coming from Chelsee & Pasha. Careful you two! Argentine Tango in Hallowe’en Week is CURSED I TELL YOU! CURSED WORSE THAN BRENDA’S SAMBA ROLLS! Anyway, yes Vincent & Flavia are as Vincent & Flavia as ever. One day I do hope they
stick a sparkler to her shoe so we can actually see her write her name in the air.
THE NUMBER SEVEN!
It’s all here. Except the bum-bongos. Sigh. Maybe one year…
HANG ON, FLAVIA’S LOST HER CONTACT LENS! NOBODY MOVE!
Up on Claud Nine, Nancy’s all
“pfft, I could do that”. Whilst Erin’s all “I have never ever done that, nor am I ever going to at this rate. Ever. This is why I have Erin’s Island. I’ll sub-let you a beach-hut if you want.” Claudia asks Rory what went wrong such that he is here in the Bottom Two. Rory replies “the dance”, accurately enough. He then goes on to spiel about how it is a tragedy that Erin is here anyway, as she is an inspiration to all. Erin’s all
“whatever mate, I’ve had more “Third Eliminated”‘s than you’ve got impressions. I’ll get over it”. He closes by saying he’ll miss the show like he would miss a LIMB, which…is where he lost me a little. That’s Snowdon talk, that is. Nancy meanwhile just cackles and says it all went better in rehearsal anyway.
I’m SO SURE. Then she snogs Anton on the ear. The crowd go “AWWWWWWW!”. Bugger knows why.
They beg via VT and as usual, I’m not recapping it, and going home is
Rory. Poor Nancy. Another week in that bull-pen. Don’t ask how it’s relevant for the rumba, IT JUST IS. Tess asks Rory what his Strictly Highlight was, and he replies that it was his quickstep, with shimmying at John Prescott a close second. He will remember that Quickstep for the REST OF HIS LIFE! THANK YOU ERIN! Erin is asked if she has something to say, and of course she does. She just wants to thank Peter…
no, hang on, Willie? Ricky? The Other Peter? Who was that black guy… anyway, whoever you are you are a true gent and will be a ballroom legend in her heart FOREVER. Rory starts to cry a little, the big nelly.
TO THE ISLAND! Next year, let’s dig up Ginge as well. Just for Erin. STRICTLY COME LESBIANS, 2012!