You know, sort of.
ROCK! : You know it’s kind of sad when the drag queen in mufti as a glittery librarian produces the most rock performance of the week. But that’s where we are on X Factor these days. Johnny Robinson is your new Prince Of Darkness Britain, someone tell Sharon Osbourne. No. Seriously. Someone tell her. The face of UK Rock spent his pre-song VT sat on a park-bench nattering with a ginger goth teenager about whether he’s a novelty act a la St Winifred’s Girls Choir, Bob The Builder or Katy Perry. Still nothing like singing a song by The Darkness to quell those doubts about your potential to be anything other than a transient joke act eh Johnny? Such was the power of Johnny’s Rock it made me like Barlow, if only for his adorable “CURSE YOU JOHNNY! FOILED AGAIN!” reaction to getting drag-queen put down’ed by him again. Second in the rock stakes was probably Marcus, who did some Lenny Kravitz, who, by this week’s standards, is practically Mastodon in terms of the rock pantheon. He would probably be top, but he copped out of telling Dermot to screw off when he started in with that “EH? YOUR FEMALE DANCERS? EH? BET YOU’D LIKE TO SHAG THEM EH? EH?!”. He’s not Austin Drage Dermot, let’s not go there. That and that guff about paying his mother back with Pride as well. You’d never get that from Tommy Iovine.
Also a MONSTER OF ROCK! this week was Frankie Cock-Weasel who is rapidly becoming exactly the same sort of Guilty Pleasure his spiritual forebear Katie Weasel was. Oh sure he’s the worst singer ever in the history of the show (except maybe Andy Williams, but WOTEVER, HE WAS FIT) his jeans are so tight I worry that his balls are going to start oozing out the bottom of his trouser-legs, he grunts, he surls, he shags around indescriminately, has AWFUL, AWFUL hair, believes in his own authenticity, flashes his arse on tv, and worst of all makes Kelly Rowland even more unbearable than usual, but…isn’t all that just funny? Didn’t you laugh when he attacked that camera and started mumbling about how he wouldn’t do anything he wouldn’t do? No? Oh…suit yourselves then. Also quite rock was Kitty Brucknell, in that she set everything on fire and walked around a bit to hide the fact that she couldn’t really sing the song. Nothing says true rock authenticity more than that. THROW IN ANOTHER GUITAR SOLO!
Sort Of Rock : This week, Janet Devlin, Biscuit Factory and Sophie HasBoobies were all sort of rock. In that they all did songs that are nominally rock but slowed them down and John Lewis’d the Bejesus out of them. To be fair, the one Biscuit Factory chose to do was mimsy as hell to begin with, coming from the Post-Swagger period of Oasis history, when Noel got bored with even bothering to pretend to be anything other than a grumpy old sod rattling his cane at all these new young rock stars who don’t even know they’re born. And also he probably put in the best vocal performance of the three. Probably. Janet and Sophie were so interchangable this week they might as well have merged them into one person. Both ran the gauntlet of twatty tabloid “journalists” trying to make them justify their existance, both were styled with awful awful AWFUL hair, both got lukewarm judges comments (by their standards) and both were probably forgotten as soon as they finished. Although at least Janet sang her song mostly in tune SOPHIE. Ah never mind, it’s all for the good for winding up those mental Amelia Lily fans.
Misha B was sort of rock as well, doing Purple Rain and sparking off all sorts of controversy. In a minor way by pissing off those gays who need to Just. Let. Ruth. Lorenzo. Go. Already, and then in a major way by getting cussed out by Tulisa and Louis for being a bully backstage. Which…it’s major currency on this show to slag off contestants for their awful personalities. Steve Brookstein, Danyl Johnson, Cher Lloyd. All got majorly slammed for their supposed personality flaws and backstage behaviour, and it never quite caused this fuss. I’d maybe cynically suggest that it’s because that none of them were the sort of “fierce strong black diva” that a lot of the Internet reality show fandom likes to live vicariously via, and so nobody cared when the judges “came for them”, but then again it’s probably more that Tulisa didn’t even really bother to hide the fact that it was a clinically tactical move, designed to take a major competitor to The Risk out at the knees.
It’s a shame, because I could have done without it in a week where nobody other than Johnny really came across as human or likable.
NOT AT ALL ROCK : Let’s be honest, this category could just read TULISA in 18 ft high letters. Does she even know what rock is? I know she made a decent fist of pretending that she knew what it was by talking about how she thought the theme was to do songs in a rock STYLE rather than rock SONGS but…she didn’t even do songs in rock arrangements. It was all Ke$ha and Salt & Pepa and Gnarls Barkley but LOUDER. That’s not rock Tulisa. You can’t turn up for Hallowe’en Week and say “I thought Halowee’en Week just meant putting a spooky slide-whistle on Swagger Jagger”. Anyway, BixMix acted like toddlers and produced the sort of god-awful sonic ear-fucking I was expecting from them in Week 1, and The Risk had the worst VT of the week, portraying them as mumbling pervs and (ironically enough given Tulisa’s comments last week about Bixmix) the sort of guys who’d TOTALLY try to steal your girlfriend. They also sang badly.
Least rock of the week though has to be Cruise Ship Sami, hooting her way through Cher dressed in leather and doing some sort of sub Jane McDonald/LA PRENJ “ooh loves I know the economy is all tough and that but please spend a quid on getting us THROUGH” Woman Of The People act. Good riddance, and justice for Goldie. She would have SLAYED Rock Week.
Motorcycle. Motorway. Motorcycle. Motorway.