The Bachelor – Episode 9

Don’t worry children, it’s almost over.

We arrive at the tropical island of St Lucia with the news that the girls have been sat around on their collective tuchus for the past week waiting for Gavbot to turn up. Who knows what happened in that lost week? It certainly seems to have bonded them, as nobody seems to hate Cawwianne any more. Maybe they accidentally ran over a man and had to fend off the ministrations of a hook-handed fisherman for the week? Maybe their plane crashed and they all had to eat the pilot to stay alive? Maybe they formed an all-girl crime-fighting team (heck, they can’t be worse than the new Charlie’s Angels line-up looks right?) Maybe…I don’t know whatever happened in Stand By Me. Jerry O Connell was fat and had not yet know the touch of a Spice Girl. That sort of thing. Whatever happened all is love and tranquility in St Lucia. Carianne is happy to be in the Final 3 because she likes Gavin a lot. April has feelings for him! Layla has liked literally EVERYTHING THAT GAVIN HAS SAID AND DONE SO FAR. All of it.

Except when he did a Vietnemse Pot-Bellied Waltz with April and it made her throw up.

Anywho, the reason for Gavbot’s absence is that he has been away training for a week with the Welsh National Rugby Team. Even on a show as unrealistic as this one that excuse takes the cake. We see him hitting the ball over the posts. TWENTY POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR! Gavbot explains that he is physically and mentall exhausted from hiding up that tree from the Welsh Rugby team’s sniffer dogs. He is really dreading having to cut two women this week – he’d quite happily string them along for another month or so thanks.

Bored Voiceover Man however is a FEMINIST IN ACTION and would like to point out that it’s just hard for the women, as they are the ones competing. It is their last chance to make their leap from attraction to actual penetrat…sorry TWOO WUV. April thinks that it’s time for her to GET PHYSICAL. Sadly not with a baseball bat, on the other girls, but with her BODEH on Gavin. She then demures “not too physical” because he is still dating two other girls. And one of them is Cawwianne so…probably best to get him to get himself checked out before letting him storm Castle April.

Cawwianne does like Gavin, but has a few questions she wants answered before she decides whether she actually wants to spend much more time with him. I’m guessing he’s probably not brought his accountant out with him Cawwianne, so he might be at a bit of a loss. Layla has decided that her being in the final three is a good sign that Gavbot definitely likes her. More fool her. Gavin too has questions. Lots of questions.

With all these question I envision a LOT OF DISCUSSION on these dates coming up, right?

Guess what it’s time for the return of?! No not Laura. Or Mental Carrie, emerging from the sea like Ursula Andress in Dr No/Martin Sheen In Apocalypse Now. No, it’s not April’s Krazy Nan. No it’s not Zivile’s bro…alright it’s not anything intersting at all, it’s just the sodding date cards that makes this whole show feel even more like a Live-Action version of Dream Phone.

This week’s date-card is a MYSTERY DATE CARD. Written in felt-tip pen. Each girl is to select an envelope and within they will find out the secret of their ULTIMATE SOLO MYSTERY DATES. These dates are – a picnic for Layla (looks bored), a spa day for April (bizarrely excited), a day at the beach for Cawwianne (looks pissed off). Carrianne is particularly annoyed because she can’t swim. What if Gavbot makes her get in the sea and swim? WHAT THEN! SHE MIGHT DROWN!

Hey Cawwianne, at least it’ll be confirmation that you’re not actually a witch. Just succubus, sexy alien and reverse-vampire left on my tick-sheet to rule out. WHICH WILL IT BE? STAY TUNED TO THE FINAL TO FIND OUT!

First up is April. They meet by the sea in Soufriere, which used to be the capital, but which now is not (THANK YOU PRIMARY SCHOOL PROJECT ON ST LUCIA!). They exchange a hug, which sees April wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing her eyes shut like an excited 6 year old. Gavbot just looks awkward. They head off to their Secret Spa via boat, as Helpful Voiceover Man reminds us that both Gavbot and April are VERY SHY PEOPLE and this has both drawn them together and held them apart. And made for really exciting tv.

April talks some more about her self-confidence issues and Gavbot interviews that the “intimate level” (eg the shagging) is really important to him, because really it’s the cornerstone of any succesful relationship. (Voice Of An Angel : Vagina Of The Devil, I’m guessing). But both his shyness and April’s shyness have held them back from that intimate level so far. That and the fact you’ve been on one date and it was mostly her talking about her childhood and you have all the physical chemistry of a slug and a climbing frame.

(*advertisement break*)

After I finish pondering just how tragic it must be for your country’s entire economy to depend on shilling yourself in the ad-breaks of The Gavbotcheler as apparently is the case with St Lucia, we’re back, and Gavbot and April have arrived at their Secret Spa. Gavbot excitedly interviews that they had a REALLY NICE conversation on the boat on the way here, but neither of them tongued the other, so it’s still ALL TO PLAY for in terms of who’s going to lead that one off. Maybe you should just flip a coin Gavbot? It’d be about as erotically charged.

We’re then shown a montage that reminds us that April is probably not going to lead off on that score, given that she can’t even try to start a conversation with him because it reminds her of that time at school when all the other girls put up a picture on her locker of her body with Dean Gaffney’s face taped over hers. Whilst Carrianne and Layla have both snogged Gavin’s face off (and let’s face it…probably more), all April and Gavin have exchanged is one awkward kiss. Gavbot gives notice that if he doesn’t at least get a blowie on St Lucia, all bets are off.

So how does he intened to provoke this fire in the loins of April? Well, as befits all VERY SHY PEOPLE, they’re about to strip to their panties on national tv and get massaged by two burly Carribbean men whilst pulling sex faces. SO SHY. This over, they disembark to the hot-tub and Gavbot grumbles that April’s clearly not ever going to put out (as there were so many opportunities during that massage session) so he’s going to have to take the initiative. And he can’t even pull the popcorn trick like he would back at home. He’s going to have to SEDUCE HER.

Brace yourself ladies.

So first thing he does is ply her with champagne. Then they talk awkwardly about the massages. April liked the massage. Gavin wishes that they had massaged one another. April giggles that there was certainly no massages going on between them giggle. April then asks Gavin if he is good at massages. Gavin says that it depends what kind of massage. April says ok. Gavin and April both drink their champagne and embrace the silence awkwardly. Gavin offers April more booze. April stares down the camera-lens, just for something to do. Gavin farts and tries to make out that it’s his shorts releasing trapped air. April laughs and laughs and laughs and hopes she can keep this laugh up for the next 30 minutes so she doesn’t have to think of anything to say.

It’s at this point you really do wish more time had been spent with Gavbot actually…talking to the girls. Because hopefully that would avoid…well, this sort of thing happening. You’d hope.

Meanwhile, back at the villa, Layla and Carrianne are discussing April, and the fact that she is a “dark horse” and therefore, in reality tv terms, doomed to finish between 3rd and 6th. But Layla also thinks she might be a MINXY HORSE. Both Carrianne and Layla then beam stupidly at the sheer unlikeliness of this being true. Layla thinks they are DEFINITELY going to kiss, because April is such a minxy horse. Well…probably. If they’ve kissed before, like April told her they had. Cawwianne giggles about how they’re probably in a hot-tub, drinking champagne, and snogging RIGHT NOW (67% probably being a higher grade than she’s ever managed before…).

Back in the hot-tub it’s raining and April is asking Gavin how he feels about pageants and stuff. Gavbot says that he genuinely thinks that pageants are COOL (just like virginity, kids!) as he leans halfway out the other side of the hot-tub and examines his knee for scabs. He says he’s not sure he could handle all the criticism. April says she’s sure he wouldn’t get any criticism. Both of them awkwardly stare at two different trees. Gavin says that he doesn’t like criticism. April says she likes consctructive criticism. Gavin says that he doesn’t like criticism. They both go “hmmmm”.

As if this couldn’t get any worse, it’s time for Gavbot to make his move. His move is “you have to kiss me, are you happy with that?”. If she was before, she certainly isn’t afterwards. They awkwardly lap at one-another’s faces whilst she strokes him like a pony. It is then over. As are any chances of her making the final. Gavbot flees and interviews that before today’s date April was definitely in his top 2 but then…that whole date happened. So OOPS.

April emanwhile is crying that they didn’t talk about the right things. I know April, “stuff” might have been a start. Or “topics”. She’s now convinced that Layla is going to win the competition, meaning she has officially reached the conclusion most of the rest of us worked out a month or so ago. But SHE DOESN’T WANT TO GET HURT! Whatever April, you got two free holidays out of it.

Next day now and all the girls convene on April’s bed to dish about what happened the night before. April admits that it was a big fat boring bust and dubs it “Disaster Date”. Layla mews that she’s probably just being pessimistic, she could definitely still beat her, please keep watching viewers, HER OK DEAL DEPENDS ON IT. Cawwianne just lies there and innocently asks April if it was the worst date ever. April says it wasn’t the worst date she’s ever had (the mind boggles. Did she kill him?) but it certainly wasn’t as amazing as her date with Gavin in Venice. She didn’t even cosy up to him in the hot-tub. Layla giggles that Carrianne would have. Cawwianne cackles that she NEVER WOULD! then pulls a Shirley Temple face.

I think Cawwianne might have become my for-realsies favourite. What a shower.

Next up, it’s Layla’s date. She says she intends to just be herself and have fun. Bored Voiceover Man snarks that that’s all she’s had to do so far, because she’s had by far the easiest ride in the competition. She got the very first rose and has been blatantly pandered to ever since. I think Bored Voiceover Man might be a secret April fan. See, he’s acted all series like he doesn’t care, but even he can’t help getting sucked in. We set up some sort of storyline where Layla has been “reserved” with her emotions thus far and needs to “open up” but…nah, I think she’s just that bland.

Gavin greets her via helicopter as she giggles that she’s SO EXCITED. Tragically they don’t have their picnic inside the helicopter, it’s just there for more St Lucia scenery porn, which in many ways all that’s getting me through the episode. Layla and Gavbot do the obligatory “OH MY GOD, WE’RE IN A HELICOPTER!” reality tv bit, whilst Carrianne and April sit and bitch back at the mansion. Cawwianne snides to April that she’ll never guess what Layla did before her date. She sat down and bullet-pointed all the things she was going to say to him and all the questions she was going to ask and all the topics of conversation they were going to cover. And how to behave. April gasps that this is CRAZY but you can tell she’s secretly wishing she thought of it.

I do wonder what those bullet-points were. Judging from the actual date it would appear the card just read :

  • Be wierdly pissy
  • Enjoy helicopters

Both Cawwianne and Layla carry on carping about how Layla is clearly going to win the whole show, and how April is resigned to her fate, and Cawwianne’s basically just holding on for a shag.

The helicopter lands, and Gavin and Layla find their picnic laid out on the grass. Bored Voiceover Man calls it “mouth-watering”. I guess it is if you enjoy kiwi fruit and the Sainsbury’s deli counter. Layla honks that it’s SO PRETTY and they begin by drinking booze (naturally). They are but two sips in before Layla snaps at Gavbot that it’s been too long since she’s seen him last, and he groans from behind his sunglasses (clearly already nodding off) that he’s been in a really intense environment for the last week, hiding from the Welsh Rugby Coach under the floorboards of his farm with only a giant packet of Pickled Onion Monster Munch (and booze) to keep him going, so he just wants to relax as well. On some nice fluffy cusions…with his teddy bear called William…and maybe his binky…that’d be nizzzzz. Layla passive-aggressively jokes that she’s spent the last week relaxing on their MARVELLOUS carribbean island and all the other girls have been whining about the wait, but she’s stayed chilled. She’s getting a bit bored now though! Ha ha! They chat a little more about how well things have gone so far, but you can practically see Gavbot drifting into a coma.

Booze consumed they move on to the picnic and…Gavin is asleep within seconds. Layla storms off with a “FOR FUCK’S SAKE”, gripes to the camera, and wanders off to a hotel . Once there she whitters through her mosquito nets that she really likes Gavbot, and that everythign he’s done since Venice (like dumping a girl for being a virgin) has been the act of a perfect gentleman and boyfriend, but this whole “being so bored in my company that you actually fall asleep” thing has got her wondering. Wondering if this is all really worth it. Sure, NOW you start wondering.

(You wonder what Gavin was doing last night to make him so sleepy. Maybe he met up with some of those masseurs again. You know, for a WILD NIGHT ON THE TIME WITH A LOT OF LARGE BREASTED WOMEN.)

Next day now, and Gavin has apparently woken up to the realisation that the love of his life might be about to slip through his fingers. Has he put too much lube on his hands for that early-morning wank again? Oh Gavin. Less is more. He grumbles to the camera that yesterday’s date with Layla didn’t go well at all. Yes Gavin, in that it didn’t happen. He admits that he came into the date too tired and with too much running through his mind. He was SO FULL OF EMOTION THAT HE COULDN’T HELP BUT DOZE OFF. Meanwhile Layla is packing her suitcase to leave the show, and grizzling that she’s not a sensitive person, but that bit where she tried to talk to him about her favourite puppy and he dribbled on her elbow and called her Carl was a bit much.

BUT WAIT! GAVBOT IS GOING TO WIN HER BACK! QUICK GAVBOT! RUN TO THE AIRPORT LIKE A RICHARD CURTIS FILM! PLAY SUMMER LOVIN ON THE SOUNDTRACK! WIN HER BACK!

(*advertisement break*)

After I finish pondering just (COME TO ST LUCIA! LAND OF AWKWARD SILENCE!), it’s time for Gavbot’s heartfelt apology to Layla. She complains to camera that he made her feel REALLY BAD and he’s going to have to go a long long way to make it up to her. I’ll bet. Let’s see how far then. Gavbot wanders up, sits down and says he’d like to apologise for his behaviour, but he’s been really tired and stressed out and this sort of thing happens to a lot of guys honest. He got some bad news yesterday about his rugby career (it turns out he might actually have to PLAY A MATCH) and it really threw him for a loop. But this definitely has nothing to do with Layla, they could still very definitely have something special.

Layla replies that she understands that he has a life outside of her, but she felt under SO MUCH PRESSURE herself yesterday, and she didn’t respond to it by falling asleep. She didn’t like how quiet he was before he fell asleep either. Gavin nods along sympathetically but is clearly on the verge of nodding off again. He maunders that things have been going so well, and yesterday was a massive blip on his behalf. Layla looks like she wants to do a massive blip on his behalf, but it turns out that this apology is, in fact enough. So how far he had to go turns out to be the emotional equivalent of a nip round the corner to pick up a pint of milk.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep, but I was tired, and, you know, rugby and stuff”. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO EMOTIONAL. SO HEARTFELT.

Apology accepted, Gavbot asks if Layla would like to carry on with their date today. It’s alright, it won’t eat into Cawwianne’s date. What he’s got planned for her is going to last about 5 minutes tops anyway. Layla grins her acceptance and gives Gavbot the hug he requests as a sign of her continued faith in him.

So what’s this epic make-up date Gavbot’s got planned? Well…it’s tennis. I’m guessing because he can just about guarantee to stay awake if there are balls flying at his face. As they warm up with a local tennis coach, Layla says that she now understand why Gavin fell asleep. It’s because he was TIRED. Thanks for that Layla. It means a lot to her that he bothered to apologise.

Layla and Gavbot knock about their tennis balls a bit, but then it rains, so they stop, and have a brief chat on the veranda of Gavbot Mansions : St Lucia about how much fun they had playing tennis and chilling out and being real and all that stuff. It’s really nice that they’ve had this time together to make up for the disaster th…hang on, Cawwianne’s wearing a low-cut dress on the other side of the island (*cloud of Gavin-shaped smoke*)

Cawwianne sits in the semi-nud, wistfully twisting her hair with her curlers saying her only prep for her date with Gavbot is making herself look AMAZING, as Bored Voiceover Man tells us that it’s been 2 weeks since she last saw him, and that was just being sat there awkwardly as her mother grilled him from her throne. He also reminds us that Carrianne has “endured a bumpy ride” in the competition so far, otherwise known as Morgan. There was all that stuff with everyone hating her and her possibly snogging a cameraman but…you know…she’s quite cheerful. That balances it all out. Gavbot though is more determined than EVER to track down the REAL TRUTH about Carrianne (/drag her to the final so Layla winning doesn’t seem that offensive in comparison).

They meet, with her giggling away at everything he says, as per usual, regardless of how funny or interesting it is. “I like your shorts” “HA HA HA HA HA!” She interviews that she thinks Gavin knows that she is out there and flirtatious and outrageous and never stops for a word and wacky and zany and you don’t have to be crazy to shag here BUT IT HELPS! But she now wants Gavin to get to know a whole other side to her, where deep down she’s a really sensitive, calm and serious person. I so hope she starts doing spoken-word poetry.

They walk on the beach until the sun goes down, which apparently is a prompt for cocktails on the beach. Bored Voiceover Man, voice laced with innuendo, says that this will be followed up by a romantic meal between the two of them. It appears to be due to take place in Gavin’s bedroom. I think we all know what’s on the menu (BUMMING!).

Cocktails first though, and Carrianne confesses to Gavin that she’s been crying all day, because she took Layla’s absence from the hog-roast and karaoke at Gavbot Mansions : St Lucia last night to mean that she and Gavbot were getting it on. She giggles that she’s blown things all out of proportion and Gavbot says in a way, he’s quite pleased that that’s her reaction. I’ll bet.

She asks next why Gavbot picked her to be in his Final Three and to come to St Lucia with him, and he replies that he did it because he always looks forward to seeing her, and that she makes him laugh. Carrianne cackles her head off and says that she always enjoys seeing Gavbot too. But she does need him to know that there’s so much more to her than just being a LAUGH RIOT. When she’s in a relationship she’s really calm and sensible and normal. Honest. She definitely won’t shag around or anything. She’ll just sit around the house all day working on feminist theory and unlocking the secrets of the human genome. And all her charity work. Can’t forget that.

Gavbot’s all “yeah, cool, can we shag now?”.

It’s so sad that they have by far the best chemistry out of every pairing on the show. I guess the temptation with these shows is to always root for the girl you like best to win, but then…look at the prize. Cawwianne and Gavin sit around a small table in his bedroom eating dinner, and it’s by far the easiest conversation has flowed the entire episode. They talk about how much they like eating out and Gavin’s reasons for doing the show (the right ones, naturally). I’m so glad we get to find out what these “right reasons” are finally, as defined by Gavbot. They are, for those who have been waiting on tenterhooks for the past two months :

  • Why not?
  • I genuinely want a shag
  • He finds it hard to concentrate on women when he’s on a lads night out

So now we know.

They both agree that they are very happy to be around one another, and that the whole thing is flowing very naturally. They then both get into Gavbot’s Infinity Pool and shag like rabbits. So well matched.

(*advertisement break*)

After I finish wondering exactly (COME TO ST LUCIA! OH GO ON! WE’LL BE YOUR FRIEND!) Gethin Jones, it’s time for this week’s ROSE CEREMONY. Gavbot interviews that this week things have definitely gone up Another Level. Oh Layla…first Simon From Blue, now this. It’s a wonder you’re still here. Today’s decision on who is going to stay is going to be the TOUGHEST YET. (Is it? Really? No. No it’s not.)

Layla interviews that she had two really nice solo dates with Gavin, but then he fell asleep so…who knows? Notice she’s blanked out that whole…episode with her mother. Carrianne says that what happened between her and Gavbot on their date (ie the fact that he didn’t fall unconscious in the middle of it…probably) tells her she’s staying. April’s all “well I’m screwed”.

The roses are going to….

Carrianne!
Layla!

Leaving April to fall at the final hurdle. It’s such a shame – I hear Gavbot’s sister’s popping along next week. Can you IMAGINE? April hugs the other two girls, and gives Carrianne in particular a big long lingering hug. Seriously, what HAPPENED in this missing week? I’m guessing it was more interesting than what happened in this episode. Maybe they should have shown that instead.

April wanders over to Gavin in tears, and he “walks her out” with the camerawork going all wobbly and documentary style because this now is REAL FEELINGS. Gavin says he really has strong feelings for her, but he can tell she’d be a crap shag so (*shrug*). April expresses regret that she never put out earlier, and wishes him all the happiness in the world. He tells her she is truly a beautiful person, April departs, and her Krazy Nan applies her lippy, hoiks up her boobs, and prepares to put herself into play. IT’S GOING TO BE ONE HELL OF A FINALE.

NEXT WEEK : TWO GIRLS! ONE CUP! THE GAVBOTCHELER CUP!

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11 thoughts on “The Bachelor – Episode 9

  1. Ferny

    I’ve gone from hating Carianne to thinking I really want her to win since Gavin gets on a lot better with her, plus, after this debacle, he deserves her (and the trouble it will inevitably bring).
    I can’t wait to see Gav’s sister πŸ™‚

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      For some reason I’m expecting Coach Beast from Glee. Am only getting my hopes up for something that will never happen 😦

      Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m sure I saw one of these shows where the “bachelor” got dumped at the end by the girl he chose. Fingers crossed.

      Reply
  2. Neil K

    Great write-up as always. I like you am confounded as to why I started off hating Cawwianne and now wish her to win. I guess a crap personality is better than no personality at all.

    Reply
  3. J

    really. the show could have stopped after cawwianne draped herself around him in the modelling week…good it didn’t because of you ms.

    Reply
  4. Lollypants

    It’s so very rare that the favourite I pick out in show one makes it all the way to the final that I feel bizarrely protective of Cawwianne now, and wish to shield her from all the hatahz online. She’s brilliant, and has played Gav perfectly with her little girl act tempered with enough sensual woman to keep him intruiged. Unlike Layla, who comes across as calculating, and latterly a whiney little madam.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I love that Cawwianne’s Redemption Arc has basically been nothing to do with her, and entirely to do with everyone else descending to her level, or thereabouts. Or just being dull.

      Reply
  5. Hannah

    My favourite thing about the whole series has been that the word “Charlotte” has never been uttered. Daphne du Maurier eat your heart out, eh?

    Reply

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