So, the most important thing of the week is that clearly some of the pros are on a bit of a bet to use the stairs to the Tessanine in their choreography. Erin starts her cha cha with Rory (again, on autopilot in term of the choreography, but it’s autoErin PARTY LATIN which is grim indeed) from up there, Brendan takes Lulu on a nice walk up and down them during their samba, possibly trying to break her new hair in (which looks like it was done by whatever 8 year old grand-daughter it was who made her do that illegal lift last weeK), and Aliona takes a little fag break on it halfway through her waltz routine to have a gossip with Harry. Possibly about Lulu’s crappy hair. It is only this one which causes a major stir with the judges, with Len losing his BRAIN ALL OVER THE STAGE ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOVED THE REST OF THE ROUTINE APART FROM THAT, HE HATE HATE HATE HATED IT (…as did I, but Jesus Christ Leonard…)and Alesha deciding she’s going to score a 10 just to piss him off.
(Sidebar : Given how lots of pros decided to use the stairs all at once, it does rather seem like this ENTIRELY SPONTAENOUS ROW might be one last throw of the CONTROVERSY DICE from Evil Moira Ross on her way out the door. Kudos Evil Moira Ross. Kudos.)
(Sidebar : Oh my God, Tess’ Dress. Oh my God).
Also stirring up controversy tonight is James, partly by walking Alex through a fairly grim rumba/roll around on the floor wearing a truly hideous catstuit, but mostly by getting the hump and defending…well himself mostly when she’s called out for being sexless, cold and stiff. (He also yells something out at Len during his critique of Bloody Lulu that throws the entirity of the show off the rails for a good long while). Hey James, remember how last year you didn’t act like a royal twot, and instead just bummed Dr Hamela over the potters wheel and fired the glitterball out of your arse like a good boy? And it was the one year your partner DIDN’T get eliminated midway through the competition, about a month before they should have been? Yeah, that.
OK, so, outside of X Factor baiting controversy, what have we got? Well, it’s a designated “off-week” for most of the boys. As well as Rory plunging back into the Latin doldrums, we have Jason knocked off his perch all the way down to 5th (FIFTH) for a posing heatless paso, Robbie flailing around everywhere doing the Baggy Trousers dance in lieu of a jive and getting mixed messages from the judges as to the suitability of doing so, and the first cracks start to appear in the judges whole-hearted support of Russell when he delivers a truly unnerving Tango based on Flavia as some sort of DREAD DREAM MONSTER TRYING TO TURN HIM STRAIGHT. He’s still on last in the running order though because…of course he is. The one man to put out a truly unequivocable triumph is Audley, who blands his way beautifully through a beamingly average foxtrot, enlivened by yet more beautiful skirt work from Natalie.
For the remaining girls it’s more of a mixed bag. Holly remains merrily ploughing her furrough around the 30 mark, doing some sort of advanced driving exercise around three lamp-posts with Artem and calling it a Viennese Waltz. More exciting is the utter disdain she has for this weeks WACKY VTS which are the actual worst. More vocal in her disdain is Nancy who for some reason is dragged off to a farm screaming “THIS IS NO MADRID!” and “THIS IS NO HELPING ME LEARN TO DANCE!” She also tactfully diffuses a truly horrific “have you ever danced with a Nancy before?” moment from Bruce by kissing him and telling him to shut up. And people wonder why I’m…I mean people are voting to keep her in (She also does a dance. But you know, whatever).
This leaves Anita and Chelsee to sieze the day. And sieze it they do. Anita by putting out her same old shit, but it’s Anita variety BALLROOM shit, so the judges pretend it’s good. But in Chelsee’s case… she harnesses all the control she can muster for the QUICKSTEP of all things, channels it through Pasha doing inspired random choreography where she’s Britney Spears in Toxic, and produces a table-topping triumph of a dance. It’s INSPIRATIONAL, and also more importantly keeps us all from finding out just how derisory her vote is for another week.