We join the show in the middle of a heated debate between Vincent, Robin, and James regarding which Saturday is the best.
Robin likes Frankie the best because she is fierce. James likes Mollie the best because she is blonde, like his lady-wife. Vincent likes Vanessa best, because he is a big Pop-Star To Operastar fan. There is no breaking this DEAD-LOCK, so everyone else comes out and does a West Side Story medley group-dance to break the tension. Apart from Kristina
who appears to think she’s dancing in Wicked. KAZAM!
It goes on for a whole, ranging around the score – America, Maria, Luck Be A Lady Tonight, Sit Down You’re Rocking The Boat, Benny And The Jets, Tetris, Love In An Elevator, Disco Duck…let’s just watch Pasha doing Broadway on So You Think You Can Dance til they’ve finished.
Tum ti tum.
Which one are they doing now?
Oh right, it’s “The One Where They Keep On Shouting MAMBO!”. This apparently led to half of Digital Spy thinking they were going to add mambo as a dance next week. Making SALSAMBCHAMBO! One more and we can form the PARTY DANCE MEGAZORD and finally take down Len once and for all.
You win til then Leonard. TIL THEN!
Look how much Erin enjoyed that routine.
LOOK! LOOK AT THE LOOK ON HER FACE! I know Erin, it was no “Ghostbusters” was it?
The judges give it a standing ovation (Bruno looks as though he’s actually going to fall asleep mid Standing-Ovation, which would be a low even by the standards of this show), and Tess emerges.
Glittery dandruff. So sad. She reminds us that someone is being eliminated tonight, and also re-introduces us to our esteemed judges, and
Claudia! I don’t think those are even her arms. I think they’re Eggwina’s. Just as the eliminated pro used to do red button commentary every week I believe this year the eliminated celeb is going to get to play the part of Claudia’s arms whilst hiding behind her each week. Should be fun next week. And the week after Audley is eliminated.
As usual, Claudia has our menu – a performance from the stars of Footloose, Len’s Glans, and the LEGEND that is the KRAKEN…oh no, wait, it’s Susan Boyle. That’s right, she’s RIGHT HERE in the studio, until she sees a squirrel, then she’s OFF. DINNER! But first, for nibbles, of the kind Alesha is no longer allowed to stuff in her face until she can’t consume any more, when she starts ramming Twiglets up her nose (ALESHA LUVV NIBBLEZ!), it’s a recap. What have I learnt from this week’s recap?
Bruno takes a while to dislodge from the ceiling
b) Holly is off to burn her skirt after it snagged ehr mid-dance. Looks like Artem already did his top. LEAVE HIS NIPPLES BE, TOP!
c) The real reason Dan & Katya got eliminated is that
she is the one that stole Alesha’s nibbles. DON’T MESS, KATYA!
d) Robin would love to see somebody else at 62 dancing around and looking like
this. I’ll… pass.
e) Alex’s bird impression is better than any of Rory’s of anything.
f) Erin really does demand champagne after every dance. Attagirl.
g) Lulu thinks she’s a proper bloody rebel now and
h) Nancy have no comment about Craig’s comment
i) Audley almost fell over. Ah well, if he had, he could have just the Homer Simpson “WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!” dance like what Harry did.
j) Ola was
quite pleased with Robbie’s tango.
k) Craig is juss jelus of Russell.
l) Kristina is
ready for her glitterball Mr DeMille
m) Chelsee can make it not disco though.
n) They apparently did that chest-wax on Harry
right before he went on stage.
Recap over, and are you ready for our first wave of Safety Sex-Faces?
Erin’s so smug when she’s happy isn’t she? Anyway, this means that our first couple in danger are
these two. With him looking particularly demonic. Tess
earnests her face off at Len, asking him if it’s a surprise that Dan is in the Bottom Two? Len says that it is, because Dan did SUCH A GOOD JOB with SUCH A DIFFICULT DANCE. He doesn’t DESERVE TO BE HERE!
I love that we can have a week where the bottom two on the leaderboard are the Bottom Two and the judges still twot on about how surprising and injust it is.
Claud 9 meanwhile is hosting the world’s most awkward
Art School reunion. Claudia’s first target is Audley, who gets the full on “YOUR LITTLE FACE!” treatment, and asked if he was worried that he might be in the Bottom Two again after last week. Audley says that he was, and he’s just really grateful to all those people who voted and kept he and Natalie in the show. Well done us! Rory is asked if he was surprised by how good he was at ballroom, and Rory cites Erin (/Robbie, who he briefly mistakes for Erin) as his ballroom inspiration. But the REAL heroes in this are the band. For some reason. Maybe just the Man In The Hat…
Next! Live! It’s the cast of FOOTLOOSE!
I’m with Holly. Except I’m just generally disinterested, not fiddling with my Spanx. IT’S TIME FOR NOTDEREK HOUGH AND KENNY WORMHOLE!
Nothing to make you reach for your Fast Forward button QUITE so vehemently as lyrical dancing to an acoustic version of “Holding Out For A Hero” is there? JON LITHGOWE WAS RIGHT! BAN ALL THE DANCING! Of all the stolen song-choices of this week, this is by far the most egregious, because at least all the other songs SOUNDED the same, not like some country-style ovary warbling away to its chillun or something. Remember it this way, always.
Mercifully this twinkly dirge stops eventually and it’s time for
KENNY MOTHEREFFING LOGGINS! Thank God for that. Also thank the Lord for Fierce Rithy, everyone’s favourite 35th place finished from the second series of UK SYTYCD. She was in there! Somewhere! For a bit! Everyone jerks and bobs and breakdances and pulls faces and jigs around to Footloose and it’s almost enough to wash the taste out my mouth. Almost.
Not enough to see the actual film that’s for darned sure.
protests at the clapping Eggwina’s making her do. Don’t Eggwina, that was RUBBISH! Bonnie Tyler is spinning on her bar-stool! Hey, guess what. It’s time for Len’s Glans, featuring our
glamorous judges. Alesha’s legs eh lads? Still got it, etc etc.
Len is first up and he wants to discuss Lulu’s dance. And by “discuss” he means
pontificate and grizzle at Craig some more about how he was SO MEAN to dock a WHOLE MARK for that lift. Yeah CRAIG, if it weren’t for you knocking that mark off, she’d be a whole…exactly the same place on the leaderboard she was already. Give or take an Anita. But still, we must go on about it and use slow-motion to look at it, because it was SO HARD TO SPOT THE FIRST TIME. Len says he’s normally against lifts, but this one was SO BEAUTIFUL! Craig says it was still against the rules and Len snaps “you’re getting on my wick”, which is frankly getting a bit “domestic violence danger-phrase”. And then Len kind of implies he knocked off a mark for the lift anyway. Well this was edifying.
What does Alesha want to look at? Alex being beautiful. What does Bruno want to look at? Jason being camp. What does Craig want to look at?
This, and to yell “LOOK AT THE STATE OF IT!”. Craig and I are, as almost ever, sympatica.
Next up, it’s time for another comedy skit. Oh joy. You can tell it’s a comedy skit because
someone is actually fighting to wear one of Anita’s outfits. YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP! Everyone does gay-voice and jokes about stealing the spotlight and speaks theatre-speak (/Craigian) and…yeah, not much though went into this bit. WHICH OF COURSE MAKES IT DEFINITELY STAND OUT!
Time for more Safety Sex-Faces? You Know It.
Which just leaves Nancy & Anton and Chelsee & Pasha teetering on the edge of the abyss. I don’t know what it says that they’re throwing up a vote-scare for Chelsee this early on. Probably, sadly, not anything good. Because of course she’s not in the Bottom Two. That’s
Nancy’s place. Chelsee all but bursts into tears at the very idea that she was close to the bottom 2. I’ve got a feeling she’s got a…tender passage ahead of her. (*Insert your own Pasha joke here*)
Tess asks Bruno if he’s disappointed to see Nancy in the bottom 2, especially given how much he said she’d improved. Bruno says yes, it is a crying shame, I mean seriously, let’s just INVENT celebrities to be in the bottom two. SHOULD HAVE BEEN JUDY FINNEGAN! HER CHARLESTON TO SEND IN THE CLOWNS WITH JARED WAS RUBBESH! Bruno compares Nancy to a firecracker. You never know if she’s going to burn you, or explode in your face, or go off in the house and set it on fire, or puncture your lung, or scar you for life…
SUSAN BOYLE! And her minders. They’re there for the audience’s protection really. She’s maundering her way through “Unchained Melody” with her wobbly odd-sounding voice, because Lord only knows the Dark Lord Cowell will force all his slaves to sing it at some point, no matter how irrelevant it’s become, and no matter how much it doesn’t suit their voices. And my Lord, it really doesn’t.
Somehow, Vincent & Flavia squeeze out a rumba in the middle of the cast of 500 there.
Bless them for trying anyway.
Whose love do we think she needs? Jesus? Piers Morgan? That nice Alan Titchmarsh? Maybe all these years later she’s still not over Eyeroll Girl. SHE NEEDS YOUR LOVE EYEROLL GIRL! DON’T HOLD OUT FOREVER!
Back up on Claud 9 now, for the
LOSERS. Claudia asks Dan if he’s surprised that he’s in the bottom 2. He says that he WAS in the bottom 3 with the judges, so he shouldn’t be too surprised. NO DAN, THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT SECRETLY A SHOCK AND A DISAPPOINTMENT! WHEN THE JUDGES GAVE JASON THOSE 9S FOR WIGGLING HIS ARSE TO GLORIA GAYNOR, IT’S BECAUSE THEY WANTED HIM TO LEAVE! DON’T YOU KNOW HOW THIS SHOW WORKS? Katya politicians on overtime that every Bottom 2 is a shock and a disappointment blah blah blah, but you can tell she doesn’t really believe it. Remember when she was Bottom 2 with Gavbot? GAVBOT of all people? And she nearly took the roof off? Remember when she and Phil went out and she popped up every day on It Takes Two spitting and swearing and cursing Alesha’s Nans to rot in hell for all eternity? Yeah…this is nothing.
She just looks a bit constipated.
Claudia asks him if he’ll come back and ATTACK IT if he returns next week (LOL), and he says he will, and Katya snarks at him if this means he’ll listen to her in training. This gets no reply. Clauda asks Nancy if she will be sad if she leaves. Not a word out of her mouth makes any sort of sense. Of course she will be sad because Strictly is a magic wardrobe and she has so much more to do there. Or something. OF COURSE SHE WILL BE SAD.
Just not tonight. (I like that Tess reminded us that Bruno called Dan a “casual acquaintance of Katya”, which I think is the new “friend of Dorothy”) (I also like Anton’s face at this point) (I don’t like the last googly-eyes) (unless she’s being sarcastic) (maybe it’s a shout-out!) (HI KATYA!)
Dan says he’ll miss dancing with Katya because it’s great to work with someone at the top of their profession (yeah, none of that on Daybreak), Katya says she’ll cherish their little tennis lesson forever, they
Do you know, I won’t really miss him either. Now let’s give Katya the RINGER TO END ALL RINGERS NEXT YEAR! LET’S DIG UP FRED!