The Bachelor – Episode 8

Like Meet The Parents, but funny.

We’re here! Final 5! Now that Gavin/the producers have whittled down the initial 25 down to our winner, our villain, and the three people most suitable for flogging dresses and make-up to the channel 5 demographic (allowing for Nickie and Georgie quitting obviously) it’s time to stop titting around on the Mediterranean and get down to business. This week, Gavbot will jet around England and the Baltic states, meeting the families of the 5 finalists.

Currently though, he is back on his “beloved farm” in Wales, walking his dogs, bothering his chickens, and pondering “the most important week yet in his search for love”. He tells us all that this is the week he’s been looking forward to the most : leaving Venice and Monte Carlo behind to have a bunch of awkward meetings with the families of a bunch of girls he’s pretending to be in love with, in rainy Essex. If ever you wanted proof that Gavbot is not as other men…He sits at his (very, very, very) tidy kitchen table with his parents, and talks about how very important his family is to him. So very important that how well these women get along with his INFANT CHILDREN hasn’t been a consideration at all yet.

I really think Ruby and Dexter flying out to at least Venice one week would have been amazing. Stuff April sat weepily in a cafe talking about how she never had a Ballerina Barbie growing up, have her look after a bored 4 year old girl who wants to know where Mickey Mouse is and a 2 year boy with an ice-lolly stuck in hair who’s just pooped himself. Then we’ll see glamour.

Anyway Gavin thinks that as well as a challenge being a test of the girls (…to see how MILFy their mums are) it’ll also be a challenge for him, as he has to try to impress them all. Who wants to bet against him just walking in with his top off? That seems to be route one. Gavin moons around his farm some more, and feeds a chicken (after checking he’s on his right angle with the camera) by hurling seed directly into its face. Such a farm boy.

First up, it’s Layla family, in Henley-In-Arden. If anyone’s confused, that the Henley with all the lunatic asylums, not the Henley with the regatta. Between this and the BRUMMIEOWNAGE on this series of Big Brother, I feel like my manor is finally getting the reality tv recognition it deserves. Even if it is on Channel 5. Gavbot meets Layla at a gastropub and she asks him what he thinks of Henley-In-Arden, with a giggle in her voice that conveys in 50 decibels that it’s the sort of dump she thinks she’s better than because she lives in London now and is in a girlband. Gavbot thinks it is nice. She very giggily conveys that it is just the small town she grew up in. Is he ready to meet her family now? He say he is, and Layla leaves, her milkshake barely started.

We’re reminded via flashback-montage that Layla won the “Might As Well Just Cancel The Whole Competition Here” Rose in Week 1. Otherwise known as the “First Impressions Rose”. Gavbot says that they have so much in common – they both like laughing at small houses, being shy, and talking about or not talking about soup for hours. Gavbot tells us he very much enjoyed snogging her in Venice, but he’s very concerned about her having dated a celebrity before, and also about how she was on X Factor. Kitty Brucknell 4 The Bachelor 2012 : Jenson Button please.

We arrive now at Layla’s family’s gated detached red-brick house with a statue of a naked Greek man out the front stood in the middle of a bush. Everyone (and I mean, EVERYONE, it looks like second cousins have turned up for a chance to get on camera) is sat in Layla’s giant garden dressed as the M & S Summer collection for a Sainsburys bbq. Layla’s dad griddles the sweetcorn as her mum asks Gavin “what kind of thing do you look in a girl?”. Layla wrinkles her nose at her mum as if to say “God MUM, get your bloody lines right you old drunk”. Gavin replies that he’s looking mostly for tits. Also someone he can completely trust. The more time he spends with Layla, the more he thinks he can trust her. Probably to not reveal the terms of her contract to the press (“wear dresses picked out by Gavin stylists, make two public appearances a week, do not talk about Gavin’s Naked Thursday Parties with the rest of his school rugby team, write an Ibiza stomped for the winner of Big Brother 12”).

Gavin says he likes Layla more and more the more time he spends with her, and he also likes how supportive he is. Especially as is so high-profile and gets put down a lot. And who knows more about than than someone from an 11th place X Factor girlband? He just someone to come home to who will blindly praise him, and Layla’s mum nods along saying yeah, you know, come home, have a cup of tea, put the steak on (?!). Layla’s face says she is never ever ever ever making tea. Layla’s mother says that the Layla-family aren’t fazed by famous people. She doesn’t look at him as a really really rich and famous rugby player who can maybe get her into OK Magazine in a Mother-Of-The-Bride shot (*manically twists bottle of mineral water*). He’s just GAVIN, who is a NORMAL MAN who just happens to have RUGBY-AVOIDING as a job! She knows Layla just sees him as a mere mortal as well. (*Layla’s mouth near twists off her face*)

Calm down Layla, it’s not as though she just started singing “I Know You Want Me” and boggling up on him.

Layla’s mum continues to dominate proceedings (STRONG BRUMMIE WOMEN!) so Gavin says he’s had a very nice time, but he’d like to take Layla’s father aside for a minute. To talk to him. Definitely. Layla seems pleased, and announces that she trusts her father, it’s just YOU (*karate-chops her hand in her mother’s direction*) that she’s worried about. Layla’s mum looks around all “who? me?”. As Gavin and Layla-Dad retreat to the woodshed.

As Gavin and Layla’s dad have their “man-to-man” (off camera), Layla and the Layla-Mother have a girly gossip on their giant red sofa. Presumably we’re missing out the bit where Layla beat her mother with a wooden spoon and told her that she’s RUINED EVERYTHING now. Layla giggles that it’s been 6 years since she brought Simon from Blue round to meet her parents. (“We don’t see you as rich, famous Simon from Blue!!!!!!! You’re just NORMAL Simon who happens to do SINGING for a job! PASS THE ROASTED PEPPERS!”), so she’s forgotten how nervous she’d be. She didn’t realise just how much she wanted Gavin to like everyone in her family til he was there meeting them (/YOU STARTED PRATTLING ON ABOUT PUTTING THE STEAK ON! WHAT WAS THAT? “PUT THE STEAK ON”? WHO SAYS THAT? HE PROBABLY HATES ME NOW! )

Meanwhile in the garden, Layla’s dad says that all he really wants is someone to come along and take care of and love his daughter, and the sooner the better, so she can stop wandering around the house trying to find a rhyme for “Chanel Handbag”. Meanwhile, Layla continues to prattle on to her mother about it feels like she’s back at school trying to get the attention of the boy in her year (AND YOU TURNED UP IN THE GATES IN THOSE CAPRI-PANTS WHERE EVERYONE COULD SEE YOUR CAMEL TOE AND THAT WAS IT, THANKS A LOT MOTHER!).

Finished with Layla’s dad, Gavin’s done with Layla’s family, and gives her a hug goodbye. Gavbot interviews that he’s surprised that the grilling came from Layla’s mother rather than Layla’s dad, who basically just went “*shrug*, it’s better than her ending with Lee Latchford Evans”. But he knows that Layla’s mother’s behaviour came from a place of love, because Layla has been hurt before (by Simon from Blue) just as he has been hurt before (BY THAT BITCH CHARLOTTE CHURCH). He empathises on so many levels. The important thing from this is that by meeting her family, he has identified that Layla is here “for the right reasons” (*DRINK*). Her mother? Maybe not so much.

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After wondering just how drunk I’d have to be before I consented to playing Just Dance on X-Box, we’re right back (not really, but I’m ignoring 90% of all recap montages at this point, for the sake of my sanity and yours) with the next meet-and-bleat, this time in Derby, to visit Morgan. She’s sat on a beach blanket in the middle of a field. If you pull back it’ll probably be a motorway verge or something. Ah, Derby.

She giggles “HI!” to Gavin as he walks up and wraps her arms around his neck. Gavin gamely avoids trying to step in all the dog-dirt. Gavin makes “isn’t it a nice day?” small talk and sits down, pointing his arse directly at the camera. They both reminisce about their time in Italy and talk about who Morgan saw first after she came back (her mother, her sister, that nice man), but all this small talk is as dust in the wind compared to the BOMBSHELL that Morgan is about to drop. You see, Morgan isn’t her real name at all. If Gavin wants to be her boyfriend, he’ll have to learn the secret of her true name. Which is (*drumroll*) BRIAN!

Not really, it’s (*drumroll*)…CTHULU! (*sprouts tentacles, devours world*)

OK, not really it’s (*drumroll*)…CHARLOTTE CHURCH! (*Rips off face-mask*)

Oh alright not really, it’s Abby. How boring. Morgan’s just her stage name. One guy I slept with I only knew his stage name. Ah Matt. OR WHOEVER YOU ARE. Normally this sort of factoid on my part would be an overshare, but as Morgan’s talking, it’s just a pleasant distraction.

Our Montage de Morgan reminds us that she was the first girl out of the limousine way back on the first day, so really she’s only still here because of the Primacy & Recency effect. Which she just destroyed by changing her name on him. WORST STRATEGY EVER, “ABBY!”. Gavin says that she’s certainly eye-catching, but he’s not really comfortable with her career as a glamour model. But he’s going to meet her family now and found out “how that all works”. Whatever “that” is. Maybe he’s hoping they’ve still got the instruction manual for her.

Another family, another dinner. This time it’s a more low-key affair with Morgan’s mother and sister. (Sidebar : I’m calling her Morgan, not Abby from here forwards, for three reasons. 1. I’m lazy, 2. She’s only here for another 40 minutes, 3. You’ll note how Gavbot had to call her “Abby” if he wanted to date her). Over his giant plate of samosas, Gavbot visibly sparks and malfunctions over the sudden BOMBSHELL she’s dropped, just sitting there going “Abby, Abby, Abby, Error : Name not found, return to 101”). Morgan’s mother asks how he feels about Morgan having LIED about her name, and Gavbot just dribbles out the corner of his mouth and starts singing “Daisy Daisy, give me your answer do.”

Morgan promises that this is the END OF ALL THE LIES, and Gavin, after a total reboot, asks Morgan’s mother how she feels about Morgan’s glamour modelling. Morgan’s Mother says she wasn’t happy at first but then…what else is she going to do? Lawyering? Morgan’s Mother realises that her daughter is very clever and very clued up, and can probably handle herself if it came down to it. So mollified, Gavbot is now so happy with Morgan’s career choice he wants to examine her portfolio. If you know what I mean.

So yeah, Morgan passes around chichi-pouty pictures of herself squinting with her massive jugs pointing in completely different directions and her legs in the air like you’d pass around hilarious naked baby pictures (apart from a cowboy hat) at any other “meet the parents” gathering. It’s all a bit depressing really. Gavbot asks Morgan how she’s feeling and she, unsurprisingly, says she’s a bit awkward, but she’d glad that everything she’s done is classy (/not porn), so she’s happy. Morgans’s sister stares at her shoes and smirks. Gavin smirks that she definitely looks beautiful, no question about that, and then the AWKWARD SILENCE, IT JUST ROLLS RIGHT IN.

Morgan’s mother (“Karen”, if that IS HER REAL NAME) says that she really admires Gavbot for being so open-minded about Morgan’s awful glamour shots and not just writing her off straight away. And she only caught him having a crafty under-the-table wank once. As Morgan and Sister-Morgan discuss how mortifying that just was, Gavbot says he’s really appreciating this new connection with Morgan, now having seen her norks. She is attractive, and he is attracted to her. Good to know. He is however, still “wrestling with the topless photos”. I’ll bet.

Gavbot hugs Morgan’s family goodbye, and he and Morgan have a surreptitious snog by her fence, after she has a bit of a cry over how she is but a fallen woman. Oh Gavbot. Pre-break-up sex. I would throw in an anecdote about how I’d been on the receiving end of that (F’NAR F’NAR) as well, but I think that may be pushing things a bit TOO far. Rest assured it is the act of a TRUE GENTLEMAN.

Of course he still has very feelingy feelings for her the feeling of feeling feeling he never usually feeling feels. Of course.

Morgan interviews in her kitchen that she can’t BELIEVE she told Gavbot her real name, because she never expected to get this far. And I never expected her to either.

Next up, it’s time to go to Lithuania, to meet Zivile’s clan. She’s waiting by a giant statue in Vilnius, sporting a giant floral umbrella. As Gavbot approaches, she lowers her umbrella, and grins. I would ask why she had one in the first place. Maybe she didn’t rely on Gavbot remembering who she was. Smart girl. When he arrives, he compliments her on her tan, and she hoots “WELCOME TO LITHUANIA!”. Bored Voiceover Man tells us that, as Zivile is proud of her home town, she’s going to show it off to its best advantage, by plying Gavbot with local food and local drink. And local men, in the form of her brother.

But before we get to that, it’s time for the Zivile-montage. We’re reminded that Gavin was drawn to Zivile’s mysterious foreigness, innocence and secret hymen-having. He tells us he’s really intrigued by her old-school feminine mystique, as they wrestled and drew one another naked and played “Baywatch lifeguard and victim”, just like Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant did in The Philadelphia Story. But now he has to find out who she really is. Like, a surname or some such.

We can’t get to that part yet though. Oh no, because Zivile is about to reveal her secret in a cafe down a side-street. She tells Gavbot that there’s something about her he doesn’t know, as Gavbot’s face reads “*shit* this is “There’s Something About Miriam” all over again isn’t it?”. Zivile follows up saying “what would you say if I tell you I am virgin?”. It turns out Gavbot would say “SERIOUS?!” and look a bit perturbed. He splutters that Zivile has had serious relationships with men though, and she just grins that yes she has. Oh well, that’s her eliminated. I think he’d date a virgin, just not a virgin that would wait more than a couple of months before putting out. He’s got to do this ALL OVER AGAIN next year, he hasn’t got that for that shiz.

Zivile says that she was just waiting for the right person. Gavbot then says “I think that’s really cool!”. Jeez Gavin, why not just give her the double thumbs-up while you have it? You’re not in a school sex-ed video. Gavbot says that he really likes her old, traditional values, clearly mentally calculating whether this means she hates gays, say, enough to talk to The Sun about them, and potentially having dated one. For no reason. He’s just very gay-friendly. Zivile says that she only told him because it tells him more about who she is as a person, and Gavbot probes “so you’re waiting for marriage then” and Zivile rolls her eyes and replies that “no, she’s not, she’s not a FREAK or anything LOL”.

It’s time to meet the parents! They live in a two bedroom flat on the outskirts of town, in a fairly run-down looking block of flats. The show lingers on the building’s dilapidated state…a bit too much for my liking but there we are. Gavbot says he’s very excited to meet Zivile’s father and brother. I think her brother might be every excited to meet you as well. Just a hunch. He’s worrying it might be a tough afternoon though, because of the language barrier, and the fact that her family are apparently very protective, and also she just told him she’s a virgin.

Do you know Gavin, I think that might not come up in conversation. So much. One would hope.

Gavin arrives, after clearly shuddering every 5 seconds at the poverty and the darkness, and meets Zivile’s parents and her brother. Gavbot carries the worried air of someone who intends to speak VERY SLOWLY AND CLEARLY AND USING A LOT OF NOUNS AND ARM ACTIONS WHICH WAY TO THE TRAIN STATION TRAIN STATION TRAIN STATION CHOO CHOO TRAIN CHOO CHOO? He manages to mangle their fairly straightforward names (Jonas, Dana, Andreas) into seventeen syllable monstrosities for a start. Everyone sits down in the living room, with a giant teddy on the sofa, and a coffee table covered in grapes and cake and wine and cured meats and… walnuts, cheese and cauliflower? Well that’s what Gavbot identifies it as. It’s probably just popcorn.

There’s also some form of Lithanian spirit, which takes Gavbot’s head off, after he cack-hands his way through an authentic Lithuania toast anyway. Gavbot chokes and gutters and waves at his mouth, and Zivile gives him a glass of apple juice to take the taste away, as Jonas looks at him with concern. Dana giggles. Andreas smiles shyly. Anyway, now that everyone’s drunk (/”relaxed” per Bored Voiceover Man), it’s time for the questionning to start.

Demetrius asks how Gavin would compare Zivile to his country’s girls, and Gavin says that he wishes the girls in Wales were more like Zivile, because she’s so sweet and kind and lovely and honest. Andreas grins that this is “a good answer”. I love that Gavbot’s rubbish doesn’t even work through ESL. Zivile grins that this is brilliant news and she is BLUSHING. Apparently this is “lunch over” (I saw no shots of Gavbot eating anything. I think he’s afraid it might turn up a funny colour. You know…a different funny colour), and it’s time for Jonas (an “ex-police-officer, which surprises me not a jot) to interrogate Gavbot, using Andreas as a translator.

So, Andreas asks Gavbot, now that Zivile’s not here, what does he think of Lithuanian boys? You know, just because, you know, his father definitely wants to know…for some reason. Ahem. Also, should Zivile be more of a career woman or a house-wife? Gavbot replies that he’s very self-sufficient, but he’d like Zivile also to be a career woman, and have golas of her own. Also he thinks Lithuanian boys are very sweet and kind and lovely and honest (*inches closer on sofa*).

Jonas’ next question is “should one person in a relationship make all the decisions?” Good grief, Jonas is a tough questionner. This is practically a job interview. With a giant cuddly rabbit in the background. Gavbot says he doesn’t mind if he makes all the decisions or if Zivile makes all the decisions or if neither of them make all the decision or if both of them make all the decisions or if a producer from Channel 5 makes all the decisions. He does know that Zivile isn’t bossy though. Both Andreas and Jonas laugh that he clearly knows Zivile very well, and Andreas generally yomps around happily like he is a little puppy who would like to lick Gavbot’s face. As that’s what puppies do.

Jonas is very happy that Gavin thinks the same way he does about women, and that he is such a good guy. I think Jonas might be in for a rude awakening on viewing this show. If they get it in Lithuania.

Gavbot and Zivile descend from her parents’ flat and have a quick hug outside. It’s time for Gavbot to return to England. And the horrors therein. Zivile interviews that she’s in trouble (no, she’s not pregnant) because she feels like she’s falling in love with Gavin, and Gavin says that he was really happy to meet Zivile’s family and he was glad to see a different side of her. Back in the flat, Zivile gives her mother a great big happy hug. Well this is depressing…

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After I finish wondering just how perky those Febreeze people are going to be when they realise they’re about to be murdered by Jigsaw, we’re back, and it’s April’s turn, in Hemel Hempsted. They’re meeting directly at her house, probably because she hasn’t got any dark secrets to hide, like how she stubbed her toe once, or that she doesn’t like ice-cream. The April-montage emphasises that April is a “pageant queen” and really pretty, but her CRIPPLING SHYNESS is a concern. Gavbot has decided that if he’s going to get to know April properly, he’s going to have to speak to the people who know her best. Her dad, and her KRAZY NAN.

They all convene in April’s very green living room, where Gavbot asks April’s dad how she was growing up, and her dad basically says “shy, but, you know, look at her now, on Channel 5 and everything”. April grins that the pageants really helped her with her confidence, because she had to go up and pretend to be confident, because being confident is how you win, and when she wins she’s like “wow! you really think I’m confident!”. I think maybe April has confidence issues.

Outside, April’s dad interviews that she hasn’t stopped talking about Gavin since she came back from holiday and he was really pleased, because she hasn’t had many boyfriends and he was starting to think she was, a bit, you know…

Never mind this though, because April’s Krazy Nan has cornered Gavbot in the garden and is feeding him cake. There’s two types on offer – fruit and cherry. Gavin selects the fruit cake and it appears he has chosen well. April’s Krazy Nan allows him to live, and talks about how much she loves her grand-daughter and how proud her grand-father was of her and how you’d have to go a long way to find anyone more special than her April, and she deserves somebody good and who will look after her. Gavbot nervously munches on more fruit cake, and April’s Krazy Nan pushes him to try the cherry cake as well. Gavbot proclaims all April’s Krazy Nan’s cakes to be LUSH.

Gavbot and April leave, and April’s Krazy Nan interviews to camera that she really liked Gavin, and he seemed like a genuine guy, and if she were only a few years younger OOOOOOH April would have to watch out! I love April’s Krazy Nan. I’ve got a feeling that when she gets dumped in favour of Carrianne in the next episode she’s going to come and CUT HIM. April interviews that she’s really glad her entire family like Gavin, and it really shows her that he’s a good guy. Oh well.

Last on the visit slate is Cawwianne, in Twickenham. Perhaps symbolically, it is absolutely chucking it down with rain as Gavbot comes to meet her. She’s sheltering in a little hut and Gavbot gamely tries to have a conversation with her, despite the fact that she cannot stop laughing. At all. Every sentence is accompanied with gales of laughter at absolutely nothing. Gavbot is coming to meet her mum HAHAHAHAHA. She’s missed him so much LOLOLOLOL! Oh look, it’s raining HAHAHAHAHAHA. OOOH MY GOD A DOG HOW FUNNY HAHAHAHAHAHAH! They both shelter under Gavbot’s umbrella and totter off through the rain, with Carrianne almost up-ended by her ridiculous heels.

The Carrianne-montage reminds us that she is silly and funny and (also puts out) Gavbot likes it, but she’s also a massive bitch who copped off with a cameraman. Says Morgan. You can see how the poor boy’s confused. There’s huge question marks over her, he says, but he can’t deny that he is hoogely attracted to her. He just has to figure her out! Somehow! Yes Gavbot, she’s practically Fermat’s Last Theorem.

We arrive at Carrianne’s mum’s flat (a lot of technology and Caribbean flags) next, where she grabs him and proclaims his muscles to be VERY NICE. Gavbot grins awkwardly and says “brilliant”. Brilliant. Carrianne’s mother looks a bit like the Hilary Devey from a porn Dragons Den. Gavbot and Carrianne perch on the sofa, and he talks about her nervous he is with Carrianne’s mum, who is also nervous. When in doubt on a reality show, just talk about your nerves. It’s always fascinating. Carrianne meanwhile is still laughing at nothing.

Next we bring up Gavbot’s children (I’m glad somebody did) and Gavin says that Ruby’s almost 3, and Dexter’s 2. Carrianne’s mum takes the mercenary angle (surprise) and asks how he’s going to find his children in along with his career and her daughter. Carrianne (laughingly, obviously) admonishes her for thinking too far ahead, but Gavbot goes along with it. He says that he loves his kids, but he’s not looking for a mother for them. The Gavbotcheler winner can be as hands off or hands on with the kids as she likes, (within boundaries of the photoshoots required in the contract obviously). If she wants to, say dispatch Ruby to the forest because a magic mirror (aka Morgan) told her that she was prettier than her, he would be totally fine with that.

Carriane and Carrianne’s mum both coo that it is great that Gavin loves his kids and would never bake them in a pie and they really respect him for it. This said, Carrianne chirps “I’VE GOT MY MODELLING PORTFOLIO IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT!”. She very definitely doesn’t angle the name of her modelling agency at the camera as she picks it up as well. Definitely not.

It has to be said that her portfolio is slightly more professional looking than Morgan’s, where she just picked up a few posters and scraps from her bedroom. There’s is a picture of her nubbles in there but only most of them, and she says that “this is as bad as it gets” and I DEFINITELY believe her. She protests that she’s not really a “glamour model” and gets her mother to back her up. Gavbot asks Carrianne’s Mother what he thinks of her modelling and whether she is appropriately mildly ashamed but supportive. Carrianne’s Mother says not. She has in fact always encouraged it, because Carrianne is pretty with a great body. Gavbot snorfles that he certainly agrees and goes back to pawing at her portfolio.

Once he’s done he sits there awkwardly saying that there’s just something about the topless modelling that doesn’t sit right with him. Is it in fact that she’s better at it than he is? Carrianne’s Mother rests her head on the back of her hand, like a Mafia Queen, and asks him what the problem is with it. He mumbles that he doesn’t mind the modelling as a whole, it’s more the modelling where other men get to see her boobs. That’s the problem. Carrianne’s Mother blithely says she’s really proud of Carrianne and doesn’t see the problem.

Gavbot stumbles on, explaining that he works in the cut-throat world of rugby-avoiding, and every meeting he avoids going to for rugby now, they’re just going to put up a big picture of Carrianne’s tits to mock him. And he’s not even going to be there to see them! You can see the bind he’s in! Because yes, if Gavin were dating Carrianne, it’d be her MODELLING that’d be on the top of the list of things to mock. More likely they’d all huff on helium before he walked in. Or snog a cameraman.

Carrianne’s mother persists that he should be proud dating such a beautiful woman, but Gavin’s whinging has got to Carrianne, and she promises she will never ever do glamour modelling ever again. To be honest, it’s not much of a sacrifice, because she clearly wants to be a “proper model” anyway. At least she now gets to make that choice based on how it makes a man ashamed of her, rather than of her own agency. HURRAH!

Caroline interviews as they leave that she’d be happy for them to get together. She had her reservations about Gavin’s previous marriage and kids (what marriage? Charlotte who? Kids? Responsibilities? What? BACK TO SNOGGING) but he has reassured her that he’s quite happy to palm the kids off on a babysitter for an evening of feeling up Carrianne’s lady-lumps, so she is now happy for things to move forwards. Gavin meanwhile interviews that he really enjoyed meeting Carrianne’s mother and discovering that Carrianne is a chip off the old block. Just two lovely girls. Get that thoughts of a threesome off your face Gavin.

Carrianne meanwhile interviews that she’s glad that Gavin and her mum got along. I…think they got along in the sense that you could tell the blazing rows they’d have within 5 days of him starting dating her yes.

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After I finish complaining about how the Muller advert needs more Snagglepuss (but really, doesn’t every advert?), it’s TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY. This week’s is at glamorous Gatwick Airport, as the three girls who receive a rose are jetting off to St Lucia for the final. Ooooh, St Lucia. I did a project on St Lucia for school when I was 9. It’s great. The capital is Castries, there’s a volcano, and the main export is bananas. Just like this show’s.

Pre-ceremony interviews abound, in place of the usual cocktail parties. Zivile would feel really bad if Gavin sent her home, because it’d be the last time he’d ever see her. She can’t fit it all in her head. Oh Zivile. Boys lie about that sort of thing. Layla says she used to think Gavbot was just hot, but now she knows there’s so much more to him! He’s also nice! April has feelings for Gavin – excited feelings. The worst thing for Morgan tonight would be going home. Oh well. Carrianne closes by complaining that usually she’s never the one who falls for a guy, normally they fall for her and she has to get someone to go round and beat them up to get rid of them. But with Gavin she really FEELS SOMETHING IN HER HEART.

See a doctor Carrianne.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME! Receiving roses are :


Morgan talks about the whole thing like it’s a hockey tournament on the way out. She wishes she’d never made it this far because the win was too close, and she’s given up so much for it and now she’s going to have to start all over again. In the Witness Protection Programme? We all know Carrianne by now. Zivile on the other hand just…kind of melts down and cries and says she’s so sad and now she will never see him again. Poor Zivile. Poor Zivile’s Family, particularly Andreas.


10 thoughts on “The Bachelor – Episode 8

  1. Neil K

    Just as I thought this show was getting a little dull we get a genius episode like this. Your Cthulu comment made me snort a bogey out of my nose I was laughing so hard. Thanks for the side-splitting recap as always.

  2. Missfrankiecat

    Wisely, given Gavbot’s alleged scruples concerning glamour modeling, I see Layla did not produce a portfolio from her own lad’s mag years. And good for Mother Carianne, seated in a flat interior even more depressing than the Soviet monstrosity in Lithuania, for being the only one to actually mention the Gavbot children (apart from MS, of course!)The segment over the fruit cakes was genuinely laugh out loud and Gavbot could yet redeem himself by choosing Mad Nan’s grandaughter.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I’d have more admiration for Carrianne’s mother if I didn’t think she was mentally tallying how much she could earn for flogging Ruby and Dexter’s kidneys out the back of Mini Cooper.

  3. Dan Avenell

    April’s website (or blog or model page, can’t remember which but they all have a refreshing disdain for a proofreader, the idea of which possibly reminds her of when she was bullied at school, a story I sincerely doubt she has honed in all of her beauty pageant speaky bits) says she does hilarious comedy routines on local radio with her ‘funny accents.’ This talent has yet to be showcased on The Bach, I hope they can squeeze it in next week.


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