Hey Vincent I hear Will Young a-singing
a toss single, and there’s judges legs.
Claudia seems a bit confused, like always
Scrap Len’s Lens I begged
(HA HA HA!)
But the show don’t know what to do with its results show
Cept to scramble Eggs
She’s sodding off again.
GOODNIGHT EDWINA WE…WATCHED YOU!
Mercifully there’s no “before the credits” recap, because the show is just a little bit self-aware. A tiny amount. What we actually start with is
prodance a la Brenda. To “The Edge Of Glory”. And it’s just chock full of the trademark Brenda
understatement and tastefulness. It is, notionally, some form of salsambcha. I think. I dunno, once you’ve seen one Lady Gaga inspired pro-dance on this show you’ve seen them all. And as the comments have pointed out, it’s no this. From erm…this very series of the US version. Between this and the choreography for Chaz Bono last night, I think Brenda might be angling for a job over there. If ABC are happy to co-ordinate a job-swap with this one, I’ll be more than happy.
Anyway, the dance becomes less sexy and the lights come up and everyone dances around joyfully on the edge the edge the edge the edge the edge (*counts on fingers*) the edge THE EDGE and then
Flavia and Kristina get the bumps, and
then it’s the end. Ohh, ahhh, etc.
The one thing I’m taking out of this whole dance is that I could not be more excited for this :
(LOOK, SHE IS QUITE LITERALLY SMOKING). And also not even the bot that Erin has left behind whilst she does body-shots off a 21 year old Brazillian can tolerate this much Gaga in one go.
Oh look, here’s
Tess. Nice that she’s made the effort to change between programmes at any rate. To be fair, that sequin-dress was probably starting to pong a bit. Studio lights and all that. She reminds us that this is the first Results Show of the series, which means that SOMEBODY’S GETTING ELIMINATED. Sadly not whoever wrapped a loo-roll in silver foil and told her it was a bangle. Not for Tess’ sake, just for when they’re unleashed on, you know, one of the women I care about. I bet they made Anita’s outfit this week.
Tess then jokes that it’s time to say hello to some people that the show could NEVER say goodbye to…THE JUDGES!
(*Arlene pours herself another gin*).
Oh and here’s
Claudia. As ever more fringe than human. Never have I seen a more superfluous presenter on a show. My solution to this is of course to get rid of Tess. Don’t tell me you doubted me, even for a second. Claudia promises that later we will be seeing a performance from the Wonderful Will Young (he’s found a time-machine then…), a section where the judges show their legs and other bits as they join Claudia on Claud 9 for some “dance dissection” and…oh, a lengthy recap of what happened last night. Sadly without the “Judges Nibbles” interludes, which were always my favourite bit. And the only bit that really made much sense to recap… Let’s see what I can mine from this bit now.
a) Pasha cannot stop saying “thnak you”. Such a well-brought-up young man.
makes a less convincing Kate Winslett than Audley did.
c) Audley is still threatening to hit Craig
d) James is
still doing “that face” every chance he can get.
e) Dan’s probably going to claim every single dance he did was underscored. Just to prepare you.
f) Even Bloody Lulu thinks the judges were being gentle with her.
g) Brendan makes the best
Kate Winslett of them all
h) Artem does
orangutang face when he rehearses
i) Rory is 50
j) Robbie was still shaking even after his dance was finished
k) Yes, Anita really did leave the house looking like
this. It wasn’t a mass hallucination.
l) Jason’s face is still
m) Nancy does not think the judges are right, and she is sorry.
n) Harry very enjoys a
o) Russell is still
So not much then.
Next up, it’s back to the studio for our first wave of results. Are you ready? For the sex faces?
I feel it started well, then tailed off a bit. Anyway, first in the bottom are :
Oh boo. He looks genuinely taken aback as well, which makes it slightly more tragic. Poor Audley. Let’s try and start a race row or something. I know it’s early in the series, but I envision being too tired to from about…next week.
Tess asks Alesha what she thinks about Audley being in the bottom two.
She thinks it’s an awful shame, because he was trying so hard, and he wasn’t the worst dancer last night. Oh Alesha, Nancy can’t be in there TWICE. I mean…if she was looking at it herself from the outside, she’d probably SEE two of herself there but… Alesha says that Audley really bought the party so, for her, he shouldn’t have been there. Oh Alesha, there are bigger travesties to come than this this year, I GUARANTEE.
Bruno is next asked how Alex can keep up the improvement that she showed this week, and which kept her safe. More illegal torture methods perhaps? Maybe get James to waterboard her before their quickstep? Bruno naturally, does not advocate the rack on national tv (because of course it would make her tall, which is a recognised disability under the DSM:LEN). He just says she should continue polishing and refining her dancing, and also try and translate her improvement in ballroom into the Latin. Also
this. Whatever that is.
first official visit to Claud 9 of the series. In the land of the fluffy itself, Claudia is sat with all the couples who were just declared safe. She first turns to Robbie and asks
“who are you? Are you a chef? A star of Holby City? Enlighten me!”. She also asks how he managed to go from a 2 to a 7, and calls him a “clever human” for doing this. That’s our Claudia. Robbie back-hands that the improvement in scores was all down to Ola’s choreography (*cough notbeingshitthisweek *cough*). Ola’s boobs
very much agree.
She then turns to Alex and gets her to talk about her NERVES. Alex consents to talking about her NERVES. I am unsurprised that Claudia already has no actual questions for Alex Jones, ONE WEEK INTO THE SHOW.
Claudia then openly mocks Lulu for the “more OTT even than Patsy Kensit” face that she pulled when she was just caught safe, and Bloody Lulu says she was genuinely surprised because she is so humble and takes nothing for granted and she could quite easily have found herself sat watching the show from her sofa next week.
Don’t tease me Bloody Lulu.
Next up? Will Young
and the New Generation.
Their dancing is all very Clothes Show Live. They’ve put the same fringes on the boys as the girls as well, and it all looks a bit Wizadora. I’m glad Will’s on a bit of an upswing anyway. He seems well. Remember when he wandered onto The X Factor carrying a Tesco carrier bag and handed out BP Garage bought cds and Mars Bars to all the contestants? Remember when he thought it was a good idea to do Question Time? He seems happier now. He even flashes the cameras a few looks as if to say
“look, I didn’t choreograph this, and am finding it as hilarious as you, don’t worry, my new album isn’t in Hungarian and about the gulags or anything”.
It’s still no “Homoerotic Black Swan homage” though. Obviously. What could ever be?
That over, it’s back up to Claud 9
for a section that is apparently to be called “Len’s Lens”. Feel free to ignore this next sentence if you’re looking to hold onto your lunch : I can’t NOT hear it in my head as “Len’s Glans”.
So there we are. In “Len’s Lens”, we’re going to be seeing the world like Len sees it. Moving very very very slowly. Personally I’d rather see the show through Bruno’s Lens. It’d be smeared with Vaseline, at a constant 17 degree angle, and everyone would be a unicorn.
Making Sharon Stone look like a prude. PUT IT AWAY BRUNO. GAVIN IS GONE.
The point of this section, alledgedly, is to analyse every dance down to a microscopic level, picking up on the tiny little piddling faults that may go undetected to the nude eyes of the casual observer. So naturally, we start with Nacny & Anton.
You will be surprised to hear that their dance in fact went wrong. You can just about see it
here. 5 seconds later, Anton pulled a baby calf out. They’re then shown a clip of Nancy saying the judges are all wrong and she was amazing. Bruno cracks up saying that she’s more mental than he is, and Len says that all the judges agreed, so they all must have been right (*cough PAMELA’S QUICKSTEP *cough*). Alesha cackles that she scored lower than Craig, so SOMETHING must have happened. Craig’s silent, probably thinking “DON’T RENDER ME POINTLESS ALESHA, OTHERWISE THEY’LL SEND ME OFF TO JOIN ARLENE IN THE PHANTOM ZONE. NOBODY ON EARTH CAN ENDURE THAT MANY GAMES OF GIN-SODDLED TWISTER WHERE YOUR BALLS GET REPEATEDLY ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED”.
Alesha next has chosen Chelsee to talk about, as we watch her Mr Tumnus trousers fling around in the breeze. Alesha crows “Beyonce, eat your heart out!”. Ah Alesha. Passing the torch. Your reign as the British Beyonce was brief, but glorious.
She was amazed that Pasha let her out on her own like that. Don’t worry Alesha, he was watching from his car, and told her not to talk to any strangers, and to come straight back.
Next up, Craig wants to talk about this :
The moment when Ola fired that football at Robbie’s head out of a very different part of her anatomy. Take THAT STEREOTYPICAL THAI LADIES. YOU’VE GOT NOTHNIG ON OLA’S LADY-MUSCLES! Bruno sings Rihanna, and then takes a closer look at Anita. Probably because the colours and the lights and the shapes and all the flickering last time made him have an epileptic fit. This time he notices that Anita was not perfect.
YOU DON’T SAY!
Last up, Claudia wants to take a look at Russell. I want to take a look at Flavia. And her
face of fear. Claudia gets Len to clarify that they scored Russell high “for the entertainment factor”. Len agrees that they did, and also because Russell CAME AHT! For once, that phrase is almost accurate.
Next up…oh good, a comedy skit. In this one, as it’s Broadway Week next week, the celebs are auditioning for parts in front of the judges. It includes the 175,895th, 175,896th and 175,897th iteration of the
“this Sugababes line-up is the worst yet” joke. And also
just Nancy. The JOY of Nancy. That’s about it.
Back on Claud 9, Jason agrees with Claudia that Broadway Week is sure to be a lot of fun. Woo. Claudia asks if he’s going to be a cat MEOW, and Jason replies that he is going to be “a bit of a tango experience”. Woo again, I say. Woo.
Back to Tess now, for the next wave of faces. Are you ready?
This leaves just Nancy and Edwina stood waiting to see which of them is in the Bottom 2, with Anton and Vincent rather sweetly doing duelling “MAMMA MIA” hands at one another over the balcony. In the bottom 2 IS
Edwina & Vincent. Anton looks
Once everyone’s shuffled off, Tess turns to Len and asks him if he’s surprised that Edwina & Vincent are in the bottom 2.
Len demures from answering, and just says that he doesn’t want to see Edwina leave. Maybe she’ll get a dance that really suits her next week. There are a few non-dancing Broadway shows. Maybe she and Vincent could do the rumba in the style of an Arthur Miller play and just have awkward cross-generational tension in macs for 90 seconds whilst talking about the old country. Craig is asked how he feels about Strictly donig Broadway next week. He is pleased, because there’s scope for great “storytelling”.
There is going to be no bloody dancing at all next week is there? 90 seconds of props, faffing, and sets wobblier than Crossroads. Joy.
Back to Claud 9, where Claudia is sat with this week’s designated
losers. She asks Edwina how she feels about Len suddenly deciding he wants her to stay. Eggwina scoffs and says she wishes he’d decided that before giving her his second lowest combined total putting her, you know, in the bottom 2. Well that saves me having to point it out anyway. She says that she’s worked so hard, and Vincent says they’ve got great stuff to show the British public, if they stay in. OH WELL.
Audley mumbles some stuff about not feeling like he deserves to be in the bottom 2 and he tried so hard and boo hoo but then he
does a gret big grin, and all is well again! Hooray! I don’t know if I could LIVE in a Universe where Audley & Natalie were a first boot! SEND HOME A RUBBISH OLD DUFFER INSTEAD!
HOORAY, YOU DID!
Natalie wanders over and gives Edwina a kiss, and Edwina calls her “babes”. I think. What a moment in tv history. Tops anything Widdy ever did. She wanders over to Tess and tells her that really she’s sad for Vincent, because he’s such a good teacher and he’s put so much effort in.
Poor Vincent. Along with Matthew, the only pros to be out first twice. Vincent for his part says that he has had so much fun with Edwina, which he didn’t expect, what with her being a politicianist and all (not that Widdy left that impression on the pro cast in any way at all). Tess gurns all
“LOL, INNIE ITALIAN?!”
Last dance time now!
Do you know, after last week I thought I might actually miss her. How things change.