The Nancy saga continues. (LOL NANCY, I’M TALKING ABOUT RUSSELL, BECAUSE HE IS A BIG FAT POOF, DID THEY MENTION THIS?!)
Previously on Strictly : Are you kidding me? I’m not recapping a “previously on”! The show lasts for 2 hours this week. It’s not worth the danger money. Anyway, Edwina flashed her knickers, Nancy tripped over a boa, Russell was Born The Way out of Flavia’s giant clam, Lulu’s brain fell out, Craig gave out lots of low scores, and the Australians dominated. This week?
Let’s just say that all the exercise is really paying off for Russell.
Jesus Christ, even in the opening credits he has to get them out. THEY’RE FREAKISHLY SMALL JAMES JORDAN, IT’S NOT PLEASANT!
Out to the floor, the band strikes up and Tess Dress Watch yields this little number
like a spangly Grimace. And that pose is getting more and more obscene by the week. Tess seems to agree, as she spears his foot with her heel on the way down. It’s not quite that time when he surreptitiously put his hand on her arse and she smacked it off, but it’ll do. Bruce tells everyone to stop clapping him, because he’s…sorry, IT’S embarassing, and gives us our standard round of “Nice To See You To See You…
Nothing in the case of Dougie McFlea, because he’s such a REBEL. That’ll teach you for calling them a boyband Bruce, he’s going to SCREW UP YOUR CATCHPHRASES, HOW YOU LIKE HIM NOW? (*sets fire to guitar a la authentic rockstar Jimi Hendrix) Paul Hollywood doesn’t look terribly enthused either, but then…when does he ever? It’s a hit to his “bad boy of baking” image to even be SEEN here.
Once this is over with, Tess tells Bruce that he looks annoyed (/reminds him that he’s supposed to be looking annoyed, for the purposes of his joke) and then helps him out with her best
SAD CLOWN face. Bruce says he IS annoyed, because one of the producers told him that he watched a programme set at the time of Bruce’s birth – Planet Dinosaur. Is that a show? It sounds more like your one-stop out of town outlet for all your dinosaur needs. Anyway, Bruce was insulted and then
pretend to be a gay dinosaur or something. I don’t know. And neither does anyone else. Seriously one of these days
this is going to happen, and who will be laughing then? BARROWMAN! probably.
Tess brings things back to relative sanity by reminding us that this is a dance show for dancing, and 14 celebrities are, nominally, about to do that. On the same bumper ballroom boil! Because Bruce has room to talk about people mispronouncing the script, he takes the piss out of Tess’ mistake, which prompts Tess to just
I don’t know, do impressions of what Lulu’s face is going to look like in two years time. You know, due to a new haircut. It’s either that or Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany’s. She then follows up by saying blood is “cursing” through the celebrities veins, rather than coursing, but Bruce mercifully lets this one go. Bruce giveth, and Bruce taketh away. Mostly the latter. Oh and then she starts grinning and licking her lips about how buff all the men are on the show this year and any sympathy I had for her at all just drains away, like all the blood from Vinthent’s face every time Eggwina practiced that thigh groping move last week. This show has stars, apparently, here they are.
Long term readers will know my opinion on
this right here. Any human being with a functional brain could probably work out my opinion on
this. Remember that whole series where they pretended Robin was straight? REMEMBER THAT?
(I also appreciate very much how Rory is billed as “comedian and impressionist” because I think we all know how the distribution of that would look on a Venn diagram. Not a lot of overlap, is what I’m saying).
Once everyone’s out, Bruce apologises for Craig’s comments having upset half the celebrities last week. He’ll make sure to upset the other half tonight. BAD’UM TISH!
Quite. Tess reminds us all that the celebs tonight will be dancing either a foxtrot or a salsa, scores from last week are carried over and combined, the public will vote, someone will leave, did I mention it’s TWO HOURS OF THIS, let’s get on with it. Starting with :
Her Off Thing, and OH MY GOD IT’S PASHA KOVALEV!!!!!!!!!!!!! dancing the salsa
(Karen Hardy is on red button duty still, this week with Dr Hamela. We don’t get to see inside Karen’s spaceship though, probably because Pammie’s naked already)
Bruce jokes that if Chelsee makes the final she’s going to sing her little heart out. Is this a new round that Evil Moira Ross is adding? A karaoke round? If so I’m very sad we didn’t get to see last year, when James would have sung “Teenage Kicks”, Aliona would have sung “Revolution Number 9” whilst sticking her fingers up at Len, and Artem would have done half a verse of “All By Myself” before bursting into tears and having to be carried off by a sympathetic bouncer.
VT TIME! We’re reminded that everyone patronised Chelsee thoroughly last week, and called her a “little princess”, which Chelsee agrees with backstage.
I know Princess Margaret had some benders in her time but…
She was also confused by Len’s comments, because she
“doesn’t know who Pertuda Clarke is” and also she doesn’t think she looks like Lady Gaga. Well not until you’re forced to wear the meat dress (wow…that sounds like a euphemism) (PASHA WOULDN’T HAVE TO FORCE ME TO WEAR HIS MEAT D)(Yes, that’s quite enough of that, last week was bad enough) for Evil Moira Ross’ “Avant-Garde Pop Stars Week”. LET’S DRESS NANCY UP AS ZIGGY STARDUST! (Again, kudos the music department for choosing the “don’t call me Gaga” bit of ‘Monster’ to soundtrack this bit rather than, say, just lobbing out a bit of Poker Face or whatever.).
Training now, for the salsa, and
bless Pasha he’s yelling “THE VACATION IS OVER!” when clearly it…isn’t. She’s constantly on her
iPhone for a start (which he eventually takes off her after, like, four days, after asking her mum first), yawning all the time
(to be fair, she is watching Jason Donovan being interviewed on It Takes Two in all these clips), and responds to Pasha’s (super-camp) exhortion to focus – “WAKEY WAKEY, EGGS AND BAKEY!” – by saying “mmm, eggs and bacon”. I feel he may have developed a nervous twitch after about a fortnight more of this. Chelsee says that she was like this in school all the time as well (*face of surprise*) before getting interrupted even from his interview with a text from Holly Valance. And here, exclusively at this blog, I can reveal what that text said :
TAKE IT TO THE DAILY MAIL!
To the floor now, and
Chelsee is at the judges table. In furry trousers. Giving them all a bit of a…performance. Well it’s a start. She’s doing her salsa to “Higher” by Taio Cruz ft Whoever It Is This Week Doing The Actual Singing. To be honest it has mostly the same downsides (immature, unbalanced, wriggly) as her waltz, as well the upsides (it’s fun, and
ambitious, and her boobs are ridiculous). It also involves this series’ first recorded incident of
cunniliftus. It’s kind of awkwardly performed, but she’s only young, and she’s not quite as versed in vaginal lifts as, say, Lulu would be. Probably. Ahem. Anyway, it’s all very fun and club-dancy, and the bizarreness of her weave suits the dance more than it did the waltz. Hooray for Chelsee! I don’t think there’s much of a connection with Pasha on the floor as yet, but I’m sure it’ll come. I guess she wasn’t as ready to mingle as thought she was. Probably should have introduced herself with “Unattached, but me downstairs gate’s still latched”.
They stand up, to no ovation, except from
Anton. And that’s probably because, after this week, he’s impressed with any salsa that doesn’t involve the female throwing up all over her partner and weepily promising she’ll get help, she just needs a bit of a sit-down.
Over to the judges they shimmy, where Bruce tells her that’s she like a little Swizzlestick
Quite. Bruce introduces Davarch’s Wonderful Orchestra including
The Man In The Hat, who looks like he’s growing his hair out a bit. Given the preponderance of hats so far this year, Evil Moira Ross probably made him do it to make him stand out, just like she made Katya go brunette and Aliona that…pubic ketchup colour. It’s also time to introduce the judges,
including Craig, who apparently recently got British Citizenship. You mean he was judging all these years without it and The Daily Express never complained once? They’re off their game!
Len starts for the judges, saying that he was a bit chilly around his (fast forward button).
Alesha follows, saying that Chelsee was “fun, flirty and fearless”, to which Chelsee replies, further chancing an appearance by the Ghost Of Arlene, by saying “fank you”. Alesha was further impressed by the dancing Chelsee did on her own, as well as her fearlessness in the lifts. She agrees with Len, in whatever he said when I wasn’t fast-forwarding past him talking about his penis, but she loves that Chelsee really throws herself into every dance. Up on the Tessanine, Jason
does his best to look happy for her. Bless him, he’s trying.
‘s eyebrows follow, saying that he loves Chelsee’s energy, comparing it to that of a “wild kitten”. The energy sometimes led her astray, but it was enjoyable, and he was very impressed with her underarm passes. She probably got those from her uncle Austin. Craig finishes by saying that the lifts were awkward and the whole thing was a little too bouncy, but on the whole it was a good routine, and he loved the undearm passes as well. Woo!
Up to the audience they run, after Chelsee gives a cheery “thanks guys!” to the audience. Oh Chelsee, you’re not on “Hear’say It’s Saturday”. Once there, Tess tells her that she STARTED THE PARTY (*drink*) and Chelsee repsonds that that was her aim, and she really enjoyed it, but she’s knackered now. Just wait for two dance Chelsee. By semis (like she’s making it that far) you don’t even get time for a fag-break in the middle. Tess asks her, after being elegant last week and sexy this week, if there’s anything else left for her to do? I’ve got “passionate” and “fun(/running round like an out of control velociraptor with the face of a kids tv presenter)” left on my Strictly Card Tess. That is literally it. Pasha responds that Chelsee has plenty more up her sleeves.
What sleeves? Scores are in – 29, for a total of 56.
OH PASHA I WOULD, BUT I’M TAKEN!
Eggwina Currie & Vincent Simone dancing the restaurant sketch from Victoria Wood
I hope Vincent commits to that moustache full time. So matinee idol. Apparently Bruce told Eggwina last week that he really liked it when she flashed her knickers. Or something like that anyway. This show is Dirty Old Man Central this week. Bruce also jokes that her knickers were RED, like a SOCIALIST or something, how do you feel about that (drumroll)
I am including that picture, not for Prezza, but for the reaction of the man sitting behind him.
VT time, and ol’ Eggy says that she really feels that she let Vincent down with her performance last week, because their cha cha was supposed to be a DANCE, not a COMEDY ROUTINE. Are you sure Edwina? We see her backstage responding to Bruno’s identifying of her as a cougar saying that
“he aint seen nothing yet”. I really think Eggwina’s more of a GILF (Granny I’d Like To Fall Over).
Training now, soundtracked by “Mrs Robinson”.
where the psycho-sexual relationship between Edwina and Vincent continues. She flirts with him, she paws at him,
she tells him that she’s his mummy. Why have I got a feeling that this VT is going to be used in the confines of a psychiatrist’s office soon? That or a court. Particularly
Out to the floor, and
Vincenzo’s cafe. I’m glad that the show has graduated from mere props, and has now reached the level of entire stage-sets. Vincent and Eggwina sit down and make their order
(two soups I’m guess), and flounce and stomp their feet around a lot in a manner that’s probably supposed to be flirty and sexual, but instead comes across rather like Vincenzo’s Cafe has a bit of a cockroach problem. Invisible waiter dispatched to the kitchen, a dance almost breaks out, but then
Vinthent decides he needs a nice sit-down. Good grief, is he still choreographing for Stephanie Beacham? Although who could blame him if he was? They first take hold (I shit you not) 54 seconds in. That has to be some sort of Strictly record surely? Not even Patsy took that long to stop the faffing around. And trust me
it doesn’t last long either.
Vincent takes the rose between his teeth, and wobbles their tray over to the judges for seconds. Once there Edwina yells to Bruce that that was the first time she has EVER danced a foxtrot. And it lasted for about 10 seconds. Like most first times. (APART FROM MINE, OBVIOUSLY, EVER WAS I A PRODIGIOUS LOVER). Bruce jokes that it could be her last. Oh Bruce, we don’t have the dance-off any more.
Len starts for the judges, and tells Edwina not to worry,
everyone could tell it was the first time she danced the foxtrot without her telling them. OOH, LEN BURN! He tells her there was too much faffing about and not enough dancing. There then follows probably the most cringeworthy scene of the series so far. Eggwina yells “I THOUGHT HE MIGHT SAY THAT, DIDN’T I SAY THAT TO YOU VINTHENT? AND WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?!” about 15 times, clearly trying to feed Vincent the start of some pre-rehearsed skit, and Vincent
just leaves her hanging out to dry. HA! What a bitch! That is some “Being Julia” stuff right there. I’m so proud Vincent. This out-of-control tank then careens right into Alesha, who snarks
“they’re just having a little chat, let’s wait until they finish”. Edwina doesn’t take the hint, and decides to deliver Vincent’s punchline for him, which is crap anyway. This is AMAZING! My fist is in my mouth!
The thrust of Alesha’s comments is that it took the dance too long to start, but who cares what she says about the dance, that was magnificent. And to think people wanted to get rid of her after Series 7.
Bruno follows, and calls her a Bendy-Bus, and Craig finishes by picking her technical faults (in the 10 seconds of dancing that happened) to pieces, and tells her that if she is brave enough to stick her leg in the air, at least make sure to point the foot.
I think that was my favourite set of judges comments ever.
Up in the Tessanine, as though the poor woman wasn’t humiliated enough, Eggwina is made to
growl for the camera like the cougar she is. She’s then asked for her reply to Len’s comments about there not being enough content, and Edwina’s gives a very politician-esque answer about how Len needs to recognise all the hard work done by the pros, and about how exciting their next dance will be, as Vincent just looks on and thinks
“whatever parrot-face, ERIN ISLAND HERE I COME!”. Scores are in – 19, for a total of 36.
The Craig-Basher & Natalie Lowe dancing the salsa
I’m very disappointed that she hasn’t come as Superbowl Janet Jackson to match with his Michael. I think Nats would rock a nipple-pasty.
Bruce tells us that Audley has an 86″ reach, which he apparently mostly uses to
recreate scenes from the movie Titanic. Hopefully Natalie won’t end up drowning him, like she did Scott Maslen. What? He should have tried harder? NOBODY HUMILIATES NATALIE LOWE!
In their VT, Tess reminds us that last week Audley took it on the chin from Craig. I guess they really did meet up round the back of the studios after the show had finished then. I hope he brought some tissues. For himself obviously, half these outfits are wipe-clean. Audley says that he understands that Craig is just a pantomime villain who gives constructive criticism, which is often correct. He knows his hands WERE bad, and he’s going to work on them. He then
threatens to punch Craig in the face again. IT WAS GOING SO WELL.
In training, Audley is extremely excited to hear that he’ll be dancing to Michael Jackson this week. He think it’ll allow him to work with a really fun vibe, and also to show off his personality. Unfortunately Natalie finds his personality
cripplingly hilarious. She tries to find some sort of parity between the world of boxing and the world of dancing, to teach Audley how to move his big old flat feet in a way he understands. Of course this lasts about 5 seconds before she just winds up yelling “BALLS BALLS BALLS!” at him. If only she’d done that with Ricky Nipple. Oh and then she
just starts walking around in clown shoes. Oh Natalie, if you’re not going to go the full route with the clown make-up as well, don’t bother. If you need any help, just ask Kristina.
Out to the floor now and oh,
it looks like they just showed a recap of Edwina’s dance. The music (“Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough”) starts, and Audley is OFF, right from the beginning. Rarely have I seen someone try quite so hard to such little avail. He’s clumsy, heavy-footed, and awkward ; all the arm cross-overs wind up looking like
random car-crashes of limbs in a poorly rendered video-game in which nobody has any heads ; his hip motions to Alesha
are frankly lifeless anywhere other than his mouth, and the whole thing’s a bit of a mess. I don’t care though, because it’s just so much fun, and there’s definitely some appreciation of the music in there. Now if only he could do every dance to Michael Jackson. It could work.
(Also kudos to the genius of Natalie, choreographing a false finish into “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough”. He should have stopped, but then found he had not in fact got enough, so he carried on)
Over to the judges they wander, where Bruce tells him that he’s the best boxer they’ve ever had on the show. Here OR in America. Wow, high praise indeed. I can’t think of a profession with a worse reputation for dancing on this show than boxers, except possibly tennis players. Or Nancy Dell’Olios. He tells Natalie that Audley has got a rhythm about him (/is black). She agrees (that he is black).
Alesha starts for the judges, and tells him that he lit up the room, and that he may have a long way to improve, but he’s clearly trying his best, so well done. In the audience Jimi Mistry thinks
“eh, my tribute to Michael was much more authentic. Where was the hamster shit all over Natalie’s face?”). Bruno follows, by saying that
AUDLEY CAN LET LOOSE, YEAH! WOO! Although technically it was more of a hustle than an authentic Strictly salsambcha. Whatever Bruno, the only reason the show even pretends to have genres any more is so people can whinge that they don’t alternate.
Craig follows, calling the whole thing flat-footed and awkward, but then says he will add some nice things in case Audley hits him. Well this is a storyline I can’t wait to see reach its eventual fruition. Those nice things are that Audley has a groove going, and also good hip rotation. Hooray! END THE VIOLENCE! Len closes by saying that Audley did well for a TALL PERSON. Again, keep this storyline coming.
Before they head up to the Tessanine, Natalie has apparently decided that
she wants to be the cat, George Galloway style. Whatever gets you through Natalie. So long as you don’t start doing it every week like Thoopafan Cassidey did, you’re alright with me. Once up there, Tess congratulates Audley, and says that nobody’s going to accuse him of cowering in the corner. You know, lest he hit them in the face. Audley replies that he definitely went for it, and it was a lot of fun. Woo! Fun! Scores are in –
23, for a total of 43.
NotChristine Bleakley & NotBrendan Cole dancing the foxtrot
James does some sort of weird electric shock thing on her before they start. Whatever gets her going I guess. I’d be surprised if you could find the batteries for her. They probably only make them in Wales. They don’t get a Brucie joke. I can’t remember what I decided this meant last year. Shrug.
VT time now, and Ch…Alex tells us that when she stood on the studio floor for the first time last week for her cha cha, she felt paralysed with FEAR. And then she squeezed her own tits in front of 7 million people and had James molest her from behind, which really helped things. AND THEN CRAIG HAPPENED! The only thing keeping her moving was Alesha. (Can you imagine feeling like that as a human being? “Alesha Dixon is my only reason for living”. What does this show DO to people?). Still once James had finished picking fights on his wife’s behalf, he comforted her
as only he knows how. She looks so comforted.
Training now, and
James continues with all the comforting, yelling NO at her and worrying her with news that foxtrot is the most technically demanding of all the ballroom dances. (You know, if you bother to do it, EGGWINA). To be fair to him, Alex is still stuck on the difference between left and right, so it’d be hard to be patient. If only Arlene were here to advise him to take her an acting coach or whatever to sort it out. Personally I’d just get great big mittens with L and R printed on and have done. Do a culinary themed routine to “Recipe For Love”, stick her in a big floppy hat, use a wooden spoon as a rose, use flour for make-up (like they did with Edwina last week) and have done. James could even be The Naked Chef if he wants and get his baby-bumps out again. You know he would.
Instead of this transparently obvious solution, James settles on
wellies. This gives me such hideous flashbacks to the glitter-wellies from last year that I have to fast-forward the rest of the segment. Which is a shame as it looks a bit like
James wired Alex up to a car-battery and repeatedly electrocuted her. Up in her spaceship Karen thinks “AND YET THEY WOULDN’T LET ME DO THIS TO GARY RHODES! ON THE DANCEFLOOR! AND IN HIS SLEEP! FOR A YEAR AFTER THE COMPETITION ENDED! UNTIL HE BLEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD”
Out to the floor now and
OH NO, THE FEATHER BOA IS ON THE LOOSE AGAIN! AIEEEEEEEEE! Either that or Nancy’s sat on the camera.
Oh, wait, James has just been at the props drawer again. After waggling this about a bit, Alex gets behind it and
snogs John Prescott. Poor Pauline. She then moves on and shakes hands with Dougie from McFly. What a tramp. Are there any celebrities in the audience left unmolested? (Apparently the Middletons were there this week. I can say with not a small note of pride that I wouldn’t know, because I have no idea what they look like, and hopefully I never will). I wonder how, in absentia Prescott, James rehearsed this with Alex in rehearsal? I bet he got Ola to sit in, and just watched them lezzing up for hours, all while telling Alex it was part of the dance. Honest. As was the giant mac that he was wearing.
They’re dancing to “Have You Met Miss Jones?” because HER SURNAME IS JONES and once she hands her fan off to Dougie and Tom (which is frankly just asking for them to goon around with it and pull focus, which they promptly do) the dancing itself isn’t too bad. She stumbles once or twice, and her eyes are often fixed on James when they should be vamping around the audience more, if she’s playing such a tramp, but it’s a perfectly respectable foxtrot, especially given how early in the competition they are. Thankfully for her trampy reputation, Alex sets her final sights on
Bruno. He, for his part, sits back and thinks of Henson.
Once it’s over, James jokily remonstrates with her for her whorish ways, whilst Anton
demands that she show more.
Over to Bruce they slag, where he greets them by saying “HAVE YOU MET MISS JONES?!” over and over again. I’m guessing Bruce likes the song. A tad. And will be singing a live version with emogirl82 in Week 5, whilst Erin hookers round in a fat-suit pretending to be Renee Zellweger.
Bruno starts for the judges, purring “Miss Jonesssss”, just as Alex looks most
like the character of the same name from Rising Damp. Or a sheep in a wig. One or the other. He praises her for her sophistication and sex-appeal. It very much put him in mind of a young Joan Collins. That noted dancer. She lost frame a couple of times, but otherwise Bruno was pleasantly surprised by her performance. Craig follows by telling her that her pivots were off-centre, and that her finishes were wobbly and Jesus but
this woman behind him will not stop booing and shaking her head. There’s 80 minutes left to go dear, pace yourself.
Len’s next and tells her she does go a bit Willowy (the movie dwarf) in her upper body at times, and needs to learn to straighten up, but the key to this competition is to improve each week (is it?) and she’s done that, because it was a lot better than that tut she churned out last time. Alesha finishes and
yup, definite mistake to give them that prop. THEY’RE SABOTAGING THIS SHOW! BOOM! BURN THE WHOLE THING DOWN! TAKE THAT BRUCE!
Up they go to the Tessanine, with Bruce herping “OFF YOU GO MISS JONES!” the whole time. Tess reminds Alex once she’s there of James’
electric-shock techniques in training. Either that or all the static in her hair’s just shot right through all the sequins in her dress. (I hope James got a consent form for the electric shock thing. I hope an appropriate adult was stood with Alex to explain things when he did.) Tess and Alex mumble between themselves for about 10 seconds, in a true meeting of the minds, before Tess asks James if Alex got off on the right foot tonight? He replies “no”. Well this is going swimmingly. We close with Tess asking the question “Who’s got the comfiest lap – Bruno or John Prescott?”
A question for the ages.
Scores are in – 29, for a total of 51.
What the fudge is Anita doing?
NotAdrianChiles & NotKatyaVirshilas dancing the salsa
Old Katya would never have allowed it. At least not in pink. They don’t get a Brucie joke either. It’s the only way she’ll learn.
VT time, and Katya says she thinks Dan did a really good job in his first dance, but Dan himself says that he found the judges comments really confusing, especially when Craig started going on about his crumbly transitions between amalgamations. See, this is why, as painful as it can be sometimes, we need ANIMAL IMAGERY.
In training, Katya has been replaced by
one of The Corrs, and is having trouble getting Dan to listen to criticism. Dan complains that she could be a bit more sympathetic to his woobie-face needs, and Katya crows
“I am an old-school Russian teacher, but you’re more American “IT’S ALL OK LA LA LA!”. Even with this and the It Takes Two segment where they showed out the inch-deep claw marks she’d gouged out of his forearms, I’m still not entirely convinced it’s the same woman.
Oh no, wait, for no reason
here’s her participating in a sporting montage wearing obscenely tiny pants. Yup, Old Katya’s back. HOORAY.
It’s not quite
this, but it’ll do for now.
Out to the floor and
it’s time for a karate themed routine! No? An Auton themed routine? No? Oh, no, wait it’s Dan doing ballroom hold (ish) and then
REJECTING IT! BECAUSE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT’S TIME FOR DISCO LATIN! It starts with a front-flip
that mercifully does not end up with hospitalisation, because it is sloppy. I’m glad that Old Katya’s desire to leave somebody crippled after one her routines is still intact. She doesn’t care if it’s a participant or a by-stander, as long as a doctor’s bill is involved somewhere. The disco classic in question is “Upside Down” by Diana Ross and the dancing is pure bad wedding disco,
except when Katya makes him do things like
this. I feel like I have somehow goaded her into this, and I can only apologise. He’s trying his damndest, but it’s all a bit accidentally campy and
the less said about the bum-bongos the better. Hey, at least Katya’s back. Now we have to get her to choreograph something good.
Up in the Tessanne,
…draw your own conclusions.
Over to the judges they wander, where Craig starts and thanks Dan for his handspring and smile, but as for the rest of it? Lumpestuous. (Not a word Craig, not even a bit)
Oh and the round-round step? CUT IT DARLING!
Poor Katya. She loved that round-round step. She protests that Dan was so proud of it, then openly mimicks and mocks his performance. I missed you Katya. For that one week.
Len follows, and says he can’t quite agree with Craig. What Len, do you not think it was “lumpestuous” as well? Len then goes on to…not really disagree with Craig, and says that he thinks this is the one dance that really won’t suit Dan. I don’t. Anyway if this does turn out to be Dan’s worst dance, he’s “got a long way to go”. Presumably in the competi…
DID YOU THINK I’D STOPPED WATCHING? DON’T THINK YOU FOOLED ME, NEW SOPPY KATYA! I’VE STILL GOT MY EYE ON YOU!
Alesha follows and says lasciviously
“I don’t think my mum would find that unattractive Dan”. Ha! Nothing makes a man feel at his youngest and sexiest like “my mum fancies you”. She follows by saying that the lifts were great, he has the goods, and she enjoyed the flip but ballroom will probably be more his genre than Latin. Still, onwards and upwards! Bruce reveales at this point that Dan missed the flip in rehearsal and nearly broke his spine, but hey, it was ALRIGHT ON THE NIGHT. I refuse to believe anything went worse in rehearsal. That’s just not how this show works!
Anyway, Bruno finishes by pointing out that “Lobb” rhymes with
“Bob”. Amongst other things. And that was a true “Bob The Builder” performance. Eh, he’s had a number 1 single Bruno, which is more than you’ll ever have. Don’t disrespect the Bob.
Up to the Tessanine they boing, where Tess greets them by asking him if he enjoyed the flips and the lifts. Dan replies that he enjoys the part where they didn’t leave him in a wheelchair. Katya continues
mooning over him as he says that he enjoyed the freedom of the Latin but was disappointed that the judges were so mean yadda yadda. Such a false dawn that broke. Scores are in – 21, for a total of 45.
Bloody Lulu & Brenda Cole dancing the foxtrot
Do you know, barbers in the old days used to also operate as surgeons? Just a fun random factoid for you there, entirely unconnected with this couple. Bruce jokes that Lulu is one of those singers who is so succesful, talented, iconic (*drink*) and all-round legendary that they only need the one name to be recognised by the public. Like Sinitta, Limahl, and Jedward (what? they’re totally one person).
VT now, where we’re reminded that Lulu’s cha cha was more of a hideous wreck than the Steps Reunion (if you’re not watching it, please do. It’s SHAKESPEAREAN). Lulu says that the whole thing was a “reality check” that she might have to, you know, do the dances. Apparently Len’s words about the rules of Strictly including “don’t go wrong” are ringing through her ears
wherever they’re located these days, somewhere around her shoulder blades probably. She doesn’t WANT comments like Bruno’s any more, telling her she’s a great performer (I am SO sure), she wants to be seen as a great DANCER.
Cut to training and her wandering around clutching her head moaning
“MY BRAIN, MY BRAIN”. Brendan tells us all that foxtrot is a really tough technical dance (that’s right, you get docked marks if you acidentally, I don’t know, kiss Prescott on the eyeball or something) and Lulu is really struggling remembering all the steps. In response to this he’s
FEEDING HER BRAIN FOOD! God, it’s a bit early to be getting this desperate for VT content already isn’t it? Either that or we’re seeing the genesis of “Baking With Brenda”, the new daytime cookery show. Lulu eats the fish, everyone acts like this has had some sort of effect on her brain, like Lulu even has a human digestive system any more, and it’s not entirely been replaced with solar cells from Switzerland, and thankfully, we are then out of the world of Bloody Lulu for another week.
To the floor now and
Lulu is…looking in the mirror and seeing Brendan? Is this some sort of dance about transgender issues that got rejected from this series of Dancing With The Stars for being too on-the-nose? I’m just saying, if it is, Hollyoaks delt with it better, and that is SAYING SOMETHING, because the only thing Hollyoaks has handled well recently is an anti-slut serial killer played by George from Drop The Dead Donkey who murders slappers to the strains of choral Radiohead.
The band starts up playing that The Script song (you know, the one they have), and Lulu walks towards the mirror and
OMG, THE MAN THAT SHE ALWAYS KNEW THAT SHE WAS INSIDE APPEARS BESIDE HER. And what a surprise it is that it’s Brendan Cole. Such an affinity. Lulu and Boy-Lulu then
meet up in the mirror world, like A-Ha or some shit and dance around a bit together. Lulu grips on to Boy-Lulu (let’s call him Dan-Dan. As in Dan-Dan Noodles) for all she’s worth
allowing him to carry her around, abjecting her fragile, inert, incapable, real form to her idealised masculine capable inner self. So moving, so brave. It doesn’t even matter that Lulu clearly doesn’t know the routine, because DanDan Noodles has it point perfect. Despite all this, DanDan Noodles is sure to talk Lulu through every step of it, just so she…I don’t know, remains informed of how to carry himself as a man in the real world when he returns.
In the end though, the mirror-world fades and Lulu is left unable to afford the surgery (hey, nobody said it was a realistic story), and I don’t know
kills himself in a bloody red-lighted mess. HOW’S THAT FOR AVANT-GARDE AND CONTEMPORARY STORYLINING EH ALIONA?
Once this week’s Masterpiece Theatre is over with, Brendan picks up Lulu and deposits her over with the judges, you know, just in case she forget how to get over there.
Len starts for the judges, and he tells her that last week she fell to pieces (just like The Script say in their one song that they keep releasing and using to soundtrack Grey’s Anatomy OVER AND OVER AGAIN), but this week…she got through the routine. Well done Matt Di Angelo, have a 10. HEY! MAYBE THAT’S WHO HER IDEALISED MALE SELF WAS! SUDDENLY THE WHOLE STORY OF THE DANCE MAKES SENSE! Up on the Tessanine
Vincent finds himself on the verge of tears at the modern Orlando that Brendan has made flesh before us tonight. Who said this show could never do high art?
Alesha follows, saying that this was much better this week. She looked so much more focused and in control, as Brendan hauled her around the floor, but Alesha did catch her singing. Oh God, we can’t have that. Bruno next, and he says “mirror mirror, on the wall, who’s the prettiest one of all?”, prompting Brendan to get all
“OH GEE SHUCKS LOL!” but Bruno ploughs on regardless, praising Lulu for playing that routine with all the fragility of a teenager throwing up on the kiddies roundabout, tanked up on cheap Snakebite an…oh no wait, with all the fragility of a teenager in LOVE. She was “on it” all the way through. Just like Nancy’s about to be.
Craig finishes by saying that it felt like she was chasing to keep up with Brendan a lot of the time (IT WAS PROBABLY A METAPHOR) and she kept on staring at his chest (ENVYING HIS LACK OF BREASTS) but she had nice pivots and, you know, didn’t die or anything, so well done.
Bruce, despite all that, tells them they’re still his favourites. Well I’m glad that Bruce at least can still tell that she’s rubbish. Up to the Tessanine they go, and Brendan
of course hams the whole thing up, because what else has he got to do? His artistic well is now dry for the rest of the series. Tess congratulates her on remembering all the steps (…) and she replies that she’s so relieved. This is followed by an awkward silence, which Audley is quite happy to fill by yelling “DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK!” a la Mama Said Knock You Out. Well I laughed anyway. Lulu talks about how difficult the whole competition is, and YOU DON’T KNOW AT HOME, YOU DON’T KNOW THE DIFFICULTY OF REMEMBERING MORE THAN 20 SECONDS OF A DANCE ROUTINE, DON’T YOU JUDGE HER. Too late. Scores are in – 25, for a total of 42.
Mmm hmmm. I hope this doesn’t make other pros think they can get overmarked just because they’re tackling sensitive issues. This isn’t So You Think You Can Dance.
Hoot Hoot Holly & Artem Chigvintsev dancing the cha cha again
No idea. No joke to be found here either. Maybe Artem was anticipating this and trying to recompense. Somehow.
Holly’s VT now, and she reminds us that she went on first last week, and resembled a foal the first time it tries to walk. Unstable, blinking, covered in amniotic fluid and afterbirth, that was Holly. She says that she initially found Len’s comment (“that wasn’t the best first dance I’ve seen…but IT WAS CLOSE!”) confusing and ominous, but then he turned it into a compliment, and she was relieved and delighted. I feel she may be being mildly ironic. Backstage, Artem says he’s happy with the scores, like he gives a crap.
In training now and…
oh God just re-run some footage from Week 1. It’s the same chuffing dance. I have to say, I’m not as hung up on the whole “TWO LATINS?!” thing as everyone else, at least in theory, but can we please have them not both be the salsambcha? Russell can get away with it because…Lord knows what’s supposed to going on underneath all that, but some of these people can’t afford to be so samey so early on. Anyway, blah blah blah, Holly is having trouble performing, Artem is being a stern Russian task-master, Holly complains that she hates being sexy… This is not the way to make me interested in a couple it has to be said…
This is quite cute
Lord knows I worked hard enough with the pause button for it. She also says “shiz”.
Out to the floor now and
Artem’s given her a little toy maraca as a prop. Oh Artem, that won’t work. Props these days have to at least be the size of…let’s say a piglet, otherwise you might as well not bother trying at all. Holly uses her toy maraca to beat out the beginning of Mas Que Nada, which, coincidentally, is the song they’re dancing to. Artem of course throws the maraca away, because he is nothing if not anti-prop (apart from ARGENTINIAN SEX-LAMPOSTS obviously). Their salsa when it gets going is quite good, albeit a little heatless.
Apart from that bit, obviously, phwoar, he can see her labia from here etc etc. In many ways I think Holly is the Anti-Chelsee, in that I never worry about her, say, falling over or having a wardrobe malfunction or sicking up an entire packet of Haribo Supermix in her hair midway round the floor, but on the downside…something that fun would be nice. The absolute control is a little bit boring, especially in the party dances. She’s getting some good whipping from her ponytail going on, her boobie isolations are fabulously crenelatious dahling, and her hips are certainly moving more than any of the men manage this evening but… not quite there. For me. Also some of the lifts are a bit, whisper it quietly,
She finishes in a splits, which Artem hauls her out of, with not some small degree of difficulty, as the Tessanine goes
mild. I know it’s Dan’s whole schtick to be mildly above the show, but seriously. He looks like he’s only clapping to camouflage a burp from the camera. I would be surprised if he hadn’t started scratching himself the moment he thought the cameras were off.
They masquenada over to the Judges Table where even Bruce’s “That was good! That was really good! It was! Really…good!” sounds a bit desperate.
Alesha starts for the Judges, in her role of “voice of the female audience” and implores Holly not to question whether she’s sexy or not,
because Alesha would well lezz it up with her any time! She is in awe of Holly’s body and her placement of every part of it. She’s graceful AND sexy, but she needs to be less, you know, crashingly dull. Bruce explains to Holly that Alesha has BEEN HERE and DONE THIS, like her salsa was anything earth-shattering. Even as an Alesha stan I can’t remember what it was to.
Bruno follows, and he tells Holly that she has all the top-of-the-range equipment, but she’s like a Formula car. You know? When you have to drive it round and round the track a few times to break it in? Yes Bruno, the audience are so relating to this metaphor about high-end sports cars. Why not just say “it’s like when you hire a private jet and have to vacuum cheesy wotsits off all the seats because it just came back from being used for a weekend bender by Dannii Minogue?” Craig’s next, and compliments her head-whips and her hip movement, but criticises her for not connecting with the music, and generally being a bit dull.
Len closes by saying that Holly was going too fast through the whole thing, like she wanted the whole thing to be over with. He also complains about Artem’s choreography, saying the bit where they constantly swung between each others legs was like a pair of mechanics searching for an oil leak.
I’d swing through Artem’s legs checking for an oil leak. Or at least a problem with fluid distribution, because it all seems to be being pumped into his tits.
Up to the Tessanine they drag, where Tess calls them awesome, and Holly says that she had a lot more fun this week. Heaven knows what a trial she found last week then. Tess then further blunders into nonsense, asking how it is possible for an Australian and a Russian to dance together so well. Oh Tess, you big racist. I bet she’s one of those Internet posters wondering why we don’t have more BRITISH dancers on a BRITISH show on the BRITISH BROADCASTING CORPORATION. Holly replies that she just does what Artem tells her to do, and that seems to work out fine, despite being from ZOMG WHOLE DIFFERENT HEMISPHERES! We close by learning that Holly has in fact got the Ballroom Bug. Otherwise known as Hep C. Scores are in – 30, for a total of 58.
Rory Bremner, Who Else? (Psst…Erin…if only physically)
Apparently Rory asked Bruce who his favourite IMPRESSIONists were, and Bruce said that his favourite IMPRESSIONists were Monet and Renoir and the rest of the Ninja Turtles. LOL, it’s because they are IMPRESSIONist painters. Who could forget Renoir throwing his pallette down in a huff in the middle of painting “Dance at Le Moulin de la Gallette” screaming “I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY MONET!”. Bruce calls this a highbrow joke. Oh Bruce, it would barely count as a highbrow joke on CBeebies.
VT time and
ponder at this meeting of minds. I’m starting to think that this whole situation with Dan & Katya is a bit like when a girl you really like goes and gets herself a bit of a rubbish boyfriend and can’t come out on the piss any more because she has to stay in and pretend to be interested in rugby and she makes a good effort at pretending she’s actually found she really likes it, when you know deep down she doesn’t give a crap. Anyway, Tess tells us that Rory found out that IMITATION was the sincerest form of flattery last week. For some reason. Maybe related to the d…no of course it isn’t.
Anyway, Len gave them nice comments and backstage Erin was all
“woo, yeah, I’m so happy that went really well, marvellous, fabulous, I’ve never danced in the arms of a more dreamy and dedicated partner, I really honestly think I’m in with a chance of lifting the glitterball this year, how fabulous, right, where’s my FUCKING CHAMPAGNE?”
Training now and apparently Rory is going to be Sean Connery for his salsa. How does that make any sense, in this universe or any other? Is it just because he can do the voi…oh,
clearly not. Rory worries that he can’t be sexy, because he’s from Edinburgh (even though he is impersonating Sean Connery…from Edinburgh…because he’s so s…NEVER MIND). Which yes, is clearly impossible. Erin then full on lies that the reason that it’s SO MUCH FUN to be partnered with Rory is that he JUST CAN’T STOP doing IMPRESSIONs. It’s NEVER A CHORE.
List of impersonations to add to your Punch-Out-And-Play Rory Bremner Impressionations Card this week :
Ian Paisley (?)
Remember to leave a “HOUSE!” in the comments if you’ve made a bingo.
Out to the floor now and,
even though Rory is climbing slowly up my list of favourite contestants just by virtue of being fairly beige and normal in a sea of lower-table irritants, he’d shoot right to the top of the list if Erin decided to carry on doing what she did here, which was to “IMPRESSION”ate a different iconic Strictly routine every week. Sod originality, sod creativity, just have Rory come out and take the piss out of Jill’s Jive, complete with Wiggy tie-action, or recreate Pamela’s Paso Doble or do the Vorederumba or the SNOWDANCE (OH MY GOD THE SNOWDANCE, DO IT ERIN, DO IT) and I’d vote for them. 95% of the audience wouldn’t have a clue, but I’d be entertained.
Because yes, they’re dancing to “Vehicle”, which the Mavia Mafia would like to believe is forever associated with Matt Di Angelo’s iconic (*drink*) salsa. Tragically the Mavia Mafia are holed up down in some back-alley dive plotting to put a horse’s head in Jimi Mistry’s bed, so they’re not best disposed to take revenge, but rest assured they are SPITTING. There are also some lifted moves in there but…I dunno, one of them’s “walking” so I don’t know how seriously to take it. He gives it a good go, but everything below the waist is coming from the bum rather than the hips and there are moments of general
WTF? Is Erin supposed to be a woodland creature here? Not bad at all for a salsa by a guy his age, but really I’m just excited by the potential madness here. Potential madness that will NEVER HAPPEN, but still.
The audience applaud all “eh, we’ll let you drift through to top 9 if you keep your mouth shut, but after that you’re on your own mate”, and Rory and Erin IMPRESSION over to the Judges Table. Bruce greets them by calling him “mate”, which sounds really weird coming from Bruce. He might all well have just called Rory his “bredrin”. He and Rory mutter on about nothing like they’re down at the golf club, until Bruno has to interject all
“HELLO? I’M MAKING BRUNO FACES HERE! YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!”
That’s better. ROARING RORY WAS GOING FOR IT FULL FROW-TUL.
And, you know, other stuff.
Craig follows, saying that Rory was “like a rat caught on a sticky strip”.
ANIMAL IMAGERY. Erin knows it well. She at this moment for instance is ANIMAL IMAGING herself as a dolphin, playfully nuzzling a beach-ball through the waves, miles away from any of this carp. Craig carries on, saying he felt uncomfortable, and he didn’t mvoe properly through any of the steps. That po-faced woman in the audience continues to puff and scowl and huff. 50 minutes left dear, we’re entering the downhill part. Save up your energy for screaming “SHUT UP YOU MASSIVE SHIT!”at him when he tells Russell he looks like the cake that was left out in the rain again.
Len follows, saying “now I know how I feel sitting next to you every week”. The bloody woman applauds. Len carries on, saying that he really feels for Rory. This is not a natural dance for an Englishman (…well it’s a good job Rory isn’t one then isn’t it Len?) who’s in his 50s (he’s 50, so…just barely on that one). It’s not for them (like Len’s in his 50s) to come out and FLAUNT THEIR WOBBLY BITS to the public. No, just never ever ever ever stopping talking about them apparently. Anyway, Rory CAME AHT etc etc etc etc
Alesha finishes by saying she loved that he gave it a go, and don’t be afraid to push it. Or do a routine to “Push It”. One or the other.
Up to the Tessanine they vehicle with Erin’s boobs looking erm…yes…let’s carry on, before this blog gets notified as “Mature” (FAT CHANCE OF THAT). They are certainly alive, let’s put it that way. Once up there, Tess begs Rory to do his
shimmy again. Really, it’s less shimmy, more truffle shuffle. Tess asks him a question, he does a bad Grant Mitchell impression. Or maybe Gregg Wallace. Whoever it is, it’s clearly supposed to be Len. Hmm. Scores are in – 22, and our first round of
everyone smacking themselves like 11 year olds let loose with their first ping pong set. That makes a total of 49. Oh and Len calls Craig a “stupid, stupid boy” for…whatever reason. I think Len probably doesn’t know that Captain Mainwairing was you know…supposed to be a joke.
Robert Sauvage & Ola Jordan dancing the foxtrot
So chic. Do we think it’s all coming off at any point? Is that the journey? (THE HAIR I MEAN. KEEP YOUR MINDS OUT THE GUTTER PLEASE) Bruce says that he was worried that Robbie would bring his entire family, but he’s decided he’s used to dealing with an audience full of Savages TEE HEE. Also, by Rachel Stevens Law Of Reverse Genetics, they’d all be poindexter geeks in bow-ties and bottle-top glasses clutching their encyclopedias anyway.
VT time now and
oh God, the laugh-spasms are back. We’re reminded by Tess that last week Robbie Savage faced the biggest game of his life (to be fair, for once that isn’t hyperbole, last week was the biggest game of football Robbie ever took part in, without one technically even existing) and he got a mauling. We see Robbie stare into the middle distance and talk about how hard it was to get criticised. We don’t see the bit where he begged for sympathy on twitter then got James to have a go during Alex Jones’ critique. Probably for the best. Anyway Robbie felt worthless
UTTERLY WORTHLESS. How will Ola deal with this crisis of woobieriffic propor…
oh wait, she’s throwing a ball at his head and yelling “MAN UP!”. Hooray. There are only so many woobies one show can bear. She also proclaims she is going to give him a can of toughener and kick his butt. We’re then shown Ola asking Robbie if she can punch him in the stomach. I think Ola might have come back from that unfortunate bowling alley experience a bit “Death Wish”. I think I’d quite enjoy “Ola Jordan – Urban Vigilante”. James could pick her up in their Nissan Micra afterwards, and clean the blood off.
Charles Bronson for the 21st century, right there.
Training now and
Ola’s got a prop for Robbie. An umbrella. Which he is struggling with. I love when people struggle with the props with which they only have to perform basic everyday functions. This isn’t like Matt Baker riding around on a unicycle whilst flexing his arm-muscles and waggling his eyebrows. He literally has to just open an umbrella. SO HARD.
SO ANGRY! Ola promises to make Robbie practice opening his umbrella 100 times until he gets it right and then
this happens. It may be because we’re now over the 70 minute mark, but this is all getting a bit Lynchian for me. I’m half-expecting that giant Craig head to start talking to me. And telling me to burn things.
Out to the floor and,
what umbrella themed song do you think they’re dancing to? Umbrella? Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head? Singing In The Rain? Monster In Your Parasol? Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head? No. “Aint That A Kick In The Head?”. Makes a whole bunch of sense doesn’t it? The damned thing doesn’t even have a
glitter-shower in it. WOSS THE BLAHDDY POINT?
Anyway, apart from that, it’s a perfectly likable foxtrot, taken at a decent clip. He’s still overacting fit to beat the band but
at least he’s not overacting…you know…cross-dressing orcs or whatever was going on last week. The umbrella stuff does go on a little bit too long before he takes hold, especially as his hold is not exactly Eggwina-esque, but this is an obvious improvement on last week’s effort to the extent that it almost set off my Goughie-alarms until I remembered…it’s still Robbie Savage. He’s only here so they can make jokes all the way until he competes at Wembley, then he can be dropped like Tess’ left boob.
Oh and the song-choice? It’s just so that
Ola can be violent. Isn’t that always the way? I guess it’s better than a headbutting from Andrew Castle.
First standing ovation of the evening? I can’t be arsed to check, you go and do it. Alesha looks like she might be about to join in at one point, but I think it might just be an awkward knicker situation.
Len starts for the judges, getting
overexcited by a SPORTSMAN, as is his wont. He then starts crowing “HA HA!” a la Nelson Muntz at Craig over him having given him a 2 last week. Yes…that certainly showed Craig that…last week’s dance was…good? Oh Len Logic. He then starts bellowing about how Robbie is GIVING PLENTY, SO HE IS GOING TO GET PLENTY! Lock your dressing-room door Robbie. For real. All through the rest of this commentary section by the way, Len is staring at Craig. I don’t even know…
Alesha follows, saying she really loved how much Robbie was enjoying that and she also really liked Ola’s choreography, as Len sits there repeatedly kicking Craig in the shin under the desk. Bruno yells “ROBBIE THE SAVAGE HAS GONE TO HOLLYWOOD!” as Len doodles a picture of Craig on the desk in biro, with a big spunking penis on its forehead, nudges Craig, and then says “that’s you that is”. Craig finishes by criticising Robbie’s head placement but praising his showbiz and piznache, as Len makes farty noises by pumping his armpit repeatedly then yelling “OOO DUN THAT? URRRRRRRGH, CRAIG, YOU STINK! CRAIG! CRAIG! CRAIG! CRAIG! CRAIG! CRAIG! CRAIG! CRAIG! CRAIG!…MADE YOU LOOK”
Something like that anyway. Up to the Tessanine they ella ella ella eh eh eh, where Tess greets them by saying “Robbie’s back!” as the masses take up a crowd of his name. Obviously not Ola’s, because no bleeder can pronounce it, despite it being THREE LETTERS LONG. Tess asks him how it felt to get positive feedback, and he replies that it was relly good, as Donovan briefly turns into some sort of
posessed insane organ-grinder’s monkey in the background. Terrifying. We spend the next 5 minutes covering how Robbie only danced at his own wedding before now. I’m so sure. Jason keeps on trying to start some sort of round of applause throughout. Bless him and his TERRIFYING FACE. Scores are in – 29,
for a total of 48.
Carnivale Minnie Mouse And 101 Dalgaytions dancing the salsa
I feel like Flavia last week started a gay-off she can’t possibly win.
Anyway, Bruce tells a joke about Anita’s husband
Billy Connolly. If I ever get tickets, I’m going to turn up dressed like Billy. They’d definitely let me in the building and everything. Anita by the way, looks positively THRILLED at being completely and utterly ignored in this intro in favour of her husband.
In VT, Anita looking as ever
like the Miss Hannigan from a modernist reworking of Annie about Psychological Ishoos, where Annie turns out to be…I don’t know, a ghost or something, says that last week on Strictly was like a dream, and she couldn’t believe she was dancing with Robin. Don’t worry neets, t’aint happening again this week. Backstage she and Robin kiss and cuddle and generally woop it up.
Training now and Anita is
bringing out her saucy side, whilst giggling like a vent’s dummy. FEEL THE RAW SEXUAL MAGNETISM! She says that this salsa is going to be truly bonkers. She’s not wrong. She says that Robin has told her that, in order to feel a greater connection to the music, she should make really stupid noises, like an Ewok, throughout. I would make a joke about how effing ridiculous it would be if they had a Star Wars themed dance on the show but sometimes this show is truly beyond parody.
Robin insists that this is a real dance technique. Anita looks
initially less than convinced, but by the end she’s really into making weird noises and making a tit of herself. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT? Robin concludes that they now have a real connection. His body asks the question, and hers answers it. I’m guessing the question is “what’s your fave Madonna album babe?”. Anita’s unspoken answer?
Out to the floor and
good lord. They’re…somethinging to “Shake Shake Shake Senora” which is already a good start, because it reminds me of when Tim Burton was tolerable. So long ago now. Once the whole thing starts it’s an utter, UTTER mess, with her tripping over her own feet, being insanely gangly and just…doing random things all over the place, but on second viewing, once I’ve got over Anita’s plunge from the dignified heights of last week… it’s still a mess that looks like this
so I can dig it.
And Anita as well.
Up in the Tessanine, Aliona looks
to be in some sort of full-body shock meltdown. Poor thing.
Over to the judges they beetlejuice, and Bruce asks her why she never did that in the Queen Vic. Anita hoots back that nobody would let her! That and the horse tranquilisers.
Len starts by saying that he doesn’t want anyong thinking he’s got double standards (HEAVEN FORFEND) and he did notice a few mistakes in the dance, but having said that he thought the whole thing was fantastic. Anita contrives to
look demented even at this. Alesha’s next and she cackles that she doesn’t CARE about the mistake, because the whole thing put her in the mood for cocktails (/they need to pretend that one of the seventeen older women on the show this year is a good dancer). Bruno calls her a tropical tutti frutti coctail full of flavour and spice that went on the wrong foot and fell over a couple of times. BUT WHO CARES RIGHT? EVERYONE’S A LITTLE BIT CRAP THIS YEAR! WOOOOO!
Craig closes by saying that it was a bit like Bonnie Langford being chased around by a barking Dalmation (*cut to Billy Connolly clearly mouthing
“crap”*), but…in a good way? How can that be in a good way Craig? HOW? Maybe if it were a rabid pitbull… (Not really Langfordz! LOVE YOU!)
Up to the Tessanine they shake, where Tess praises her for her Strictly smile and her party spirit. I’m thinking spirits plural there Tess. At a minimum. I feel like something beyond “plural” should be invented for just how much they knocked back between them dreaming that one up. Anita giggles and barks and makes donkey noises about how she’s loving the WHOLE THING TO BITS, as Nancy
is already a little bit in her dark place I think. To close Tess asks Anita if, with all her theatre experience, she’s not looking forward to Broadway Week next week. I she not in fact not “chomping at the bit”. Anita then amazingly, and barkingly snaps
“CHOMPING?! I’M NOT CHOMPING!”. Frankly I think we all know if anybody’s bits are chomping over Broadway Week it’s Robin’s. Scores are in – 28, for a total of 56.
Nancy is actually just sat rocking backwards and forwards at this point. And dry-heaving a little. Oh Christ…
Jason Donovan & His Faces & Kristina Rihanoff
There is no part of her that is not rehearsing her victory speech is there? Good luck Kristina, as soon as you win you’re flat on your ass as he shoves past you to the prize. There’s not a joke here either. The scriptwriters must be so bored. Maybe they’ve pissed off to watch X Factor? I however,
am always ready.
VT time now, and we’re reminded that Jason topped the leaderboard last week, and also got compliments in the form of some sort of bizarre attempt at Aussie-talk from Craig. Jason’s response? “The interpretation of his Australian colloquialisms by Craig? That wasn’t bad at all”. It’s so much fun watching him work every sentence like taffy until its at its dullest possible form. Such an artform. The Rachbot could learn much from you Donovan-san. Jason goes on to call getting 32 on his first Strictly Live Show “one of the most special moments of his life”. OK.
Sure. Whatever you say.
Kristina follows, saying that last week was the first night in 4 years that she was top of the leaderboard. (I’m guessing it was also the first time Little Joe was allowed inside Fortress Kristina.) I believe Anton has done it once. In his first week. And then NEVER AGAIN. Surely that’s got to hurt more (/be more hilarious)?
Training now, and…ok not really, “Kristine” (Jason’s words, not mine) has told him to come to an abandoned theatre for
WACKY HIJINKS! She’s left a note telling Jason to put a magic hat on so he can get into character (the character being “Mr Cool”, so Kristina has clearly put as much thought into the characterisation as Michael Bay did with Megan Fox’s character in Transformers. I believe her name was Sally Tits). But then Kristina’s
LEG APPEARS FROM BEHIND A CURTAIN
and Jason LOSES HIS COOL
somewhere along with my will to live. Maybe he’s seen something…interesting up her skirt. Anyway, Kristina vamps out and vamps over to Jason and then they vamp around the room together, and Jason pretends that this was a real help getting into the character of a Hollywood movie from 1942 (Fun Fact : Jason cited “Bugsy Malone” as being this movie on It Takes Two last week) and not…whatever it was. Kristina showing off her gams. Oh and Jason showing off his “aroused face”.
It looks a bit like what happened at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Arc doesn’t it?
To the stage now and
as the comments have informed me, the classic 1940s Hollywood film being recreated isn’t Bugsy Malone. Oh no, how SILLY. It’s “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” Kristina’s not bad, she’s just porn this way :
Jason on the other hand is porn THIS WAY :
Which is to say, the world’s most disappointing episode of Dante’s Cove. He does this face a LOT. To everyone. Kristina, the camera, the audience, the judges, the moon… I am of course not at all trying to say he’s trying very hard to prove anything in particular.
Once they take hold it’s alright, so long as we presume that Jason is supposed to be carrying on in the vein of a character weak at the knees at the presence of Kristina, because it’s all a bit sweaty and clammy for a foxtrot. I don’t know that Jason really does “cool and sophisticated”, but maybe it’s just because he’s playing opposite a cartoon character playing a cartoon character. In the end Kristina dumps Jason back on his bar-stool so she can go up on stage and shimmy her arse about for the finale.
I’m not the routine I’ve seen MOST designed to showcase the pro (and…not even the pro’s dancing) over the celebrity in the history of the show, but IT’S CLOSE. (/Len) It gets a standing ovation, naturally.
Over to the judges they doom, as Alesha starts by positively
unhinging her jaw, and proclaiming Jason to be a REAL! SHOWMAN! He was in character even before the MUSIC STARTED. Well yes Alesha, that’s quite easy when said character is sat on its arse not doing anything. She loved the movement, the mirroring, the seduction (in a clean, family friendly way), EVERYTHING. Bruno follows and
there’s nothing clean or family friendly about his reaction. Those eyebrows alone would get a 15 from the BBFC. He references both Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and that other noted 1940s Hollywood Film LA Confidential. I’d say this would make the dance a pastiche of a pastiche, but I think we all know there were at least another 3 layers of knock-off in there. He relays the story (which…is entirely about Kristina) and compliments them both on their great acting.
Craig follows by saying that his head position needs attention (too right – if you wanted to follow the story through it should have buried itself in Kristina’s cleavage at least twice), but the routine was classy and stylish and all-round MAGNIFICENT!
Bruce asks Len if he agrees about the head-position and Len says he does, and it could have been more to the left, but he wasn’t going to mention it, because it’s “not in his nature to be nasty”. How is “your head placement needed work” nasty, and yet “SHUT UP CRAIG BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN YOUR BIG GAY FACE” not? Anyway, Len loved it, and ponders whether Jason can top the leaderboard two weeks running? Len certainly thinks so.
Up to the Tessanine they sprint, and Tess congratulates them on their standing ovation. But how was the routine? Jason : “It’s tougher the second week around, and the foxtrot is such a concentrated effort. I think there’s more personality, for me, in the cha cha cha. It’s…trying to find a character in the foxtrot. But you know, I’m happy with that”.
You’d better stock up on Red Bull if you want to be awake for that glorious coronation Kristina. Just saying. Total Jasebot. Tess asks him how kids, and he somehow manages to make even that a slog. Scores are in : 33
for a total of 65.
Nancy Doo Lally O & Anton du Beke dancing…I think
I’d say she seemed half-cut, but let’s face it. She’s fully cut. There is no more left to snip. Bruce does a skit with a feather boa to introduce them.
That’s quite enough of that. Bruce explains that Nancy gave this to him for safe-keeping, so she can use it to strangle Craig during the judges comments. Nancy looks
REALLY REALLY PLEASED WITH BRUCE’S PISS-TAKING OF HER. I bet Anton just learnt a whole new ream of Italian swear-words. Even more than the time he “accidentally” walked into Flavia’s dressing room.
VT time now, and Anton runs us through the disaster of the week before. Poor Nancy, thinking she was about to show her dancing talent to the nation, showing us all we were wrong about her, then undone horribly by a wardrobe malfunction and made to look like an even bigger prinny than any of us imagined her to be. Anton looks
DEVASTATED on her behalf. We’re treated to an audio of what Nancy and Anton were saying to one another during the dance. Cleaned up a bit, one would imagine.
Training now and
well that’s great Hate-Sex if ever I saw it. Nancy wants to disentangle herself from this position where she looks like something that was scraped off the front of a Tesco’s lorry, but Anton encourages ehr to stay there as long as possible so the cameras can see. In a way, I feel this is a metaphor for their entire run on the show. Once she’s unhooked from his chest-wig, Anton explains that whilst he’s teaching her dancing, she’s teaching him Italian. I hope it’s of a similar “standard” to the dancing he’s teaching her. I hope she sends him to a bar in Rome ready to reel off “which way to the docks? I want to meet a sailor!”. Miss Dell’Olio
tells us all that Anton’s Lati…I mean, Anton’s Italian still shows much room for improvement. Still, they have at least worked out the word for
“arse”, because apparently she’s going to be pointing it at Len (along with other…downstairs organs) in a desperate bid for marks from him. At least they’re aiming at the right judge.
Out to the floor now
would anyone object if she turfed Len out his chair and replaced him as Head Judge here and now? Her marking would probably make more sense, and if you squint, she kind of looks like Karen Hardy. A bit. Sadly, this is not a coup, it’s merely a
mounting position. No, not of Len. They’re not that desperate. Yet. The music strikes up as Nancy ASCENDS TO THE GODS, and it’s “Papa Loves Mambo”. So all you whinging about “Vehicle”, think on this : John Sergeant’s about to have a dance desecrated in terms of quality.
So anyway, what happens next is
this. That’s not even subtle is it? Who’s surprised she’s wearing any? Be honest. This is immediately followed by
a Wheelbarrow race. Well, why not? Throw in the Eggwina & Spoon and the sack (over Anton’s head) race whilst we’re at it. From here, Anton throws her (not lifts, actually throws) her around and
it just gets more awkward from there on in. Nancy’s arse is sticking out so far it’s in a different time zone. Back where Nancy’s arse is, Alex Jones is currently getting electrocuted. Once she and Anton stop frotting she just skitters around on her heels like she’s on double-speed. Amy Winehouse had more self-control than this routine.
Who bloody knows? She completely forgets the end, and he has to force her down into the splits
, possibly breaking both her legs on the way. I don’t think it’s possible for a human being to look more ridiculous than Nancy does in this routine. (*gets the auto-dialler out*)
After Nancy tells him “UP! UP!” he removes her from her predicament, and they head in the general direction of the judges. Where Nancy is
yeah, we’ve all had that feeling before. Mine was after doing the entire run of Gaga Fame Monster singles megamix in a gaybar after drinking 5 pints of cider. Really you’re just grateful that oxygen is coming in. Bruce asks her if she’s ok (no Bruce, not ever) and Anton huffs that Bruce should really be asking him that question. Nancy then starts swatting and screaming at him, so Bruce tells her to tell Anton what she really thinks.
Silence. Her thoughts, when they come, are that she has injured her leg and should be in a wheelchair. Nobody gives a crap.
Judges time now and Bruno bellows “CHAMPAGNE, CHAMPAGNE, HAVE YOU HAD YOUR CHAMPAGNE TODAY?! It looks like you had two gallons”. *snort*
Someone get the bucket. He says it was all very glamorous and wonderful but she clearly had no idea where she was (not just in the dance I’m guessing), and she just broke the record for most mistakes in a single routine. WELL DONE NANCY!
Up on the Tessanine
it warms me more than anything I’ve seen of Holly thus far to know she’s loving this as much as I am.
Craig follows, calling it frenetic and frantic and frenzied and…”any of those f words really”. The audience crack up at the implication of this phrase. Except
the woman obviously. Maybe she’s just worn herself out. Oh and Nancy, who plaintively turns to Anton and says “what are they saying?”. Oh Nancy, you don’t want to know. Len’s next and he says he liked the bit where he took a crafty look see up her dress. Thanks for ruining this wonderful moment Len. Thanks a lot.
Alesha closes by saying “I’m a little bit confused. I can’t work out if you was trying to be funny or if it just was funny?”.
Thanks Alesha. No really. You just saved that segment, and…I’ve got a feeling it’s about to get better. Nancy’s thoughts before she heads up to the Tessanine? “I was not fantastic in my leg…but I think I did it”. Oh Nancy, you did it alright.
Up to the Tessanine they hobble where Tess gre…oh sod it, let’s just cut to the chase shall we?
Scores total 14, for a grand total of 26.
People who are not Nancy Dell’Olio, dancing quite well
Yeah, good luck following THAT.
Bruce jokes that he heard this week that Harry had been suggesting to others backstage that he didn’t believe that Bruce had a real appreciation for the serious art of modern rock music, like what McFly play, in-between getting their tits out for the gays. This probmpted Bruce to go up to Harry and say that he in fact enjoys very much watching young men play sweet music with one another. Then he was put on a register. Poor Wilnelia. Bruce’s actual joke (whatever it was) gets a muted response so he starts yelling
“YOU’RE GETTING TIRED! YOU’RE GETTING TIRED! YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT!”, ostensibly to the audience. Harry’s face however,
suggests he’s not convinced. By anything really. Not least his representation at this point in time.
VT time, and Tess reminds us that last week Harry got the show off to a MCFLYING START! BECAUSE HE IS IN MCFLY! IT IS TO LAUGH! We’re also reminded that a little bit of dribble may or may have come out of Bruno during his critique. Of his mouth. Definitely his mouth. Harry for his part says he’s pleased with his scores, and there’s lots of room for improvement, and can he have his mates round to play now?
HOORAY! HE CAN! IT’S MCFLEEEEEEEA! And they’re wearing clothes! For once! Harry explains to the audience very slowly who these young men are, and throws in the token bit of coy homoeroticism about how he spends more time with them than he does anybody else in the world. It’s just like clockwork at this point isn’t it?
“Lead me, be the man” “It’s really really hard, I’ve got a bit of admiration for Harry”, “If I can do it in in front of them, I can do it in front of everyone” etc etc repeat until fade. Dougie ets singled out as the worst, and then says that he finds Harry really annoying, so he wants Jason Donovan to win. Yeah, THAT’S the swap I’d be making there.
Boyband goonery, around the clock, until
we have to go to the dancefloor.
Harry and Aliona are dancing to Bruno Mars, which is a great start for me personally. At least it’s not that song about having a wank whilst watching Jeremy Kyle. He whirls around a lot, showing off his best features (ie his arms) but then he gets into hold and
yeah, that posture’s not going to do it. Very Manic Mailman. I knew Len was going to low-ball it on the marks as soon as I saw that, because sometimes Len actually marks based on actual things, and a lot of those actual things usually turn out to be technical ballroomy things. He also looks miserable poor boy. He looks grumpy, he’s constantly looking at his feet, and when he presents Aliona it’s as though she’s a
plate of slightly lukewarm canapes. Maybe he can’t convincingly fake emotions towards her with Dougie watching him, WHO CAN SAY?! Maybe I need to keep track of which McFlea is here each week to know when Harry’s dancing isn’t going to be a tedious pile of old tut. STAY AWAY SEXY DOUGIE, STAY AWAY. When Aliona does a death-drop he basically looks at her as if to say “you alright down there love?” and the end-pose is pure
“ooh, look, a hamster!”. It gets a
Standing Ovation though, including one middle-aged woman who appears to be about to actually run onto the dancefloor. Ah, the life of a McFlea.
Craig starts for the judges, saying that Harry CAN DANCE, but Aliona needs to sort his posture out, and get him to stop looking at his feet. The woman behind Craig actually cups her mouth to boo this bit. He’s sat ABOUT TWO METRES AWAY FROM YOU DEAR. Why am I not surprised she’s a McFly fan? Len follows by telling Aliona that he’s not going to speak to her, because she said on It Takes Two this week that she never listens to the judges. Aliona’s all
“LOL, THAT IS A GREAT LOSS!”. I really feel Len should have said “Harry, can you tell Aliona I’m not talking to her PLEASE!”. You know, for maximum maturity. He then tells Harry he needs to lift his chin, broaden his shoulders, and sort his posture out in general. I really badly want Aliona to do choreography for Broadway Week based on the Quasimodo musical. Should it exist.
Alesha follows by telling Harry that he is one of the best dancers in the competition (by the scores…5th out of 14. So…you know…not THAT great), so that’s why the judges are so harsh on him. Dougie starts
barking or something in the audience. To be fair, he is the odd one. Truly the Kieth Moon of McFlea. Bruno closes by saying that he thinks that there’s something very very special about Harry. Now there’s a surprise.
Up to the Tessanine they MCFLY, DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? Tess asks Harry if he’s surprised by the reaction of the judges. He replies that he’s enjoying himself, that he’s having a wonderful time, that he’s just happy to be here, and Aliona is a fabulous coach. You know…maybe that swap for Jason wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Excitment wise. Scores are in – 27, for a total of 55.
Julian & Erin for the ADD Generation, dancing the GAY GORDON PROBABLY LOL LOL LOL
I’m guessing he and Louis Walsh go to the same hairdressers. (PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH GAY LOL LOL LOL) Bruce gets the entire audience to say they thought that Russell was amazing in his dance last week, and announces that Russell’s performance was, to him, like something he saw at Glastonbury. Oh Bruce,
those were some BAD drugs. (Not really, the joke is that Russell is gay just like…tents are.)
VT time now, and we are reminded that the crowd last week went bananas for Russell emerging from Flavia’s clam. We get a slow motion replay of Russell and Flavia embracing in triumph, as the audience slowly rise to their feet in adulation. I think it’s around this point that, to be honest, it all became a bit too much for me, and I had to go and have a bit of a lie-down with a damp flannel over my eyes.
Sometimes Strictly, it’s alright to allow people to discover the storyline for themselves, rather than handcuffing yourself to them and dragging them there at knifepoint. Your open mockery of Nancy is more subtle than this shiz (/Holly).
Russell marvels that it has taken til the age of 60 to get a standing ovation. I am…less in awe at this fact.
Training now, for all of 5 seconds, for the salsa, as Flavia promises,
/threatens, that it’s going to be EVEN MORE SHOWY THAN THEIR CHA-CHA! OH GOOD! Training then dissolves in a big long LOL video about how Russell and Flavia are
in love, except not really, obviously because, did they mention? He is gay.
To the floor
becasue he is gay. And he is dancing to Dancing Queen because he is gay, and there’s lots of mincing because he is gay, and he pulls lots of “ooh ducky!” faces because he is gay and everything is lots of garish colours because he is gay, and I feel for the whole thing like I’m either in 1978, or a really bad lunch-date with a bunch of women just going “I LOVE GAYS, I WANT TO KEEP THEM IN MY HANDBAG AS A PET AND CARRY WITH THEM EVERYWHERE I GO! YAY!”. To say this is too much coming off two hours of recapping is probably an understatement. I’m sure for everyone else this was the laugh that sent them home with a smile on their faces, for me I think it has broken my brain a little. He gets a standing ovation for being gay, the judges all laugh about how appropriate it is that he danced to Dancing Queen because he is gay, it gets a score of 25, possibly because he is gay, we are almost 14,000 words in GOOD NIGHT!