The Bachelor – Episode 6

Someone left this show out in the rain again…

No messing around this week, we’re right into our first “Gav-Mail”. It’s being delivered by Georgie to the rest of the girls, who are all perched on the front steps of Gavbot Mansions : Italy, presumably because the owner has locked them out. The rest of the girls that is, apart from Cawwianne, who is still in isolation, albeit this time sat on a park bench, gently fingering the slats, trying to look wistful and Parisian (Hilton, naturally). There’s a very “After The Fall”/”Loss Of Innocence” vibe to this whole segment, and frankly I would have appreciated my Bible videos at school much more if the serpent had the voice of a cracked up glamour-model on helium.

Gavbot fills us in as to the concept of this Gav-Date. He’s going to Gav-invite Cawwianne and Morgan to come on a Gav-Date so that they can gouge one another’s eyes ou…so he can Gav-decide which of them is telling the Gav-Truth. Or if neither of them are. Or both of them. (I think Gav-Logic is very different from that which is commonly found here on Earth. Outside of reality shows at least.) That’s right, it’s time for TWO GIRLS, ONE ROSE – CAWWIANNE VS MORGAN! There’s absolutely no way this could end disappointingly is there?

Anyway, Georgie announces the date to her girls, audibly gulping as she announces to Morgan that she’s on a duel-date with Cawwianne, and therefore probably about to have her tits smashed in. Layla, April, Keshia and Angharad all gay-gasp in HORROR/EXCITEMENT. Zivile looks blank and Nickie just looks disgusted. I know Nickie – manufactured drama? ON THIS PROGRAMME! Carrianne has soiled this programme with her unoriginal sinning in more ways than one. Things used to be so honest and straightforward and childlike and simple (and that was just Gavin), and now it’s RUINED. Where’s the fruity woo-woos now? Where did they go?

Morgan stands up and huffs “I’VE BEEN CRYING MY EYES OUT FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS! I DON’T NEED TO GO OVER IT AGAIN!” and storms off. Meanwhile, Cawwianne reads her mission on her Cold War spy park-bench and is all but licking her lips at the prospect of getting to garotte Morgan with her La Senza g-string. Bored Voiceover Man lies to us that this date is even more of an ULTIMATE LIE DETECTOR than the one they use on the Jeremy Kyle. Whoever’s telling the truth will definitely stay. Whoever’s lying will definitely go home. Definitely.

At any rate it appears that Morgan throwing a Bee Gees has lasted all of 5 seconds because she’s somehow found herself in the car speeding her to her fate, staring out the window and wondering what Cawwianne will do. According to Morgan, she will either “just go mental” or she’ll try and put Morgan down and make her look stupid. Hey, why not both? Morgan panics that Cawwianne is going to destroy her, because she’s much better at confrontation than poor delicate Morgan. She does confronting every day in the house, as exercise. She’s a professional confrontationer! (Bloody useless public sector jobs…)

Anyway, to make the chances of this date ending in serious injury and/or death even higher, the girls will be making pizza with knives and ovens and frying pans and…I don’t know, Carrianne could probably do something truly vile with a melon-baller that’d mean you couldn’t walk straight for a month. This will be for lunch with Gavin. Given his career as a rugby-avoider, and the specialist diet it warrants, they could probably do with one of those Apprentice pizzas that had a whole chicken on them. The girls enter the pizza-kitchens, with Morgan ashed-faced and Cawwianne looking gleeful and giggling the whole time. Morgan starts muttering “I don’t want to do this” as the pizza chef starts randomly feeling her up/putting her apron on. Well this is comfortable. They also both get chefs hats, clearly for no other reason that it makes them both look utterly stupid.

Morgan begins man-handling her dough, pouring all her nervous energy into stretching and kneading and very definitely not looking directly at Carrianne. Carrianne just stares at her, like a lion staring at an antelope pizza. She already somehow has flour (/”flour”) all round one nostril. Eventually she stops staring and starts kneading her own dough. This is the most tense pizza-making since that break in the Yalta Conference where POST-WAR peace in Europe almost broke down because Eisenhower forgot that Stalin DIDN’T WANT PINEAPPLE ON HIS PIZZA, BECAUSE WHO WANT THAT, IT IS GROSS, I NO CARE HOW THEY DO IT IN HAWAII, NOW I DEFINITELY DENY FREE ELECTIONS IN POLAND.

Silence reigns, until Carrianne decides to break the storm by squeaking ” I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY, WHAT ABOUT YOU?!” as she drops entire cherry tomatoes onto her cheesy base. Morgan just shakes her head, almost imperceptibly, lest Carrianne interpret it as a threatening gesture and spring at her with raw shrimp. She makes inaudible grunting noises along the theme of not wanting to be here, until Cawwianne demands that she “tell it how it is or don’t tell it at all”. Morgan snots “so you didn’t kiss him then?” and Cawwianne affirms that she didn’t. Morgan then huffs “why would I lie?” (I don’t know, the whole “competition for Gavbot’s prudy penis” thing?) and Cawwianne says that Morgan is exaggerating and the camera-man came on to her, and also it was really dark and she’s on some medication that makes her behave funny and also the dog ate it.

Not like that.

Morgan then slams “did you not also say that you wanted to fuck him?” down on the table and Carrianne squeaks that she would NEVER say anything like that IN HER LIFE AS A WOMAN HOW DARE YOU MORGAN?! Morgan just shrugs, aware that, having used the word “fuck”, she has won. Carriane gamely bats back with a “fuck” of her own, and also calls Morgan a “dirty little liar”, which as insults go, isn’t really up there with my all-time reality show favourite : “Turtle-Faced Bitch. She judiciously sprinkles basil on her toppings and announces that she is DONE making her pizza now. As it stands hers does look better – Morgan’s got too much sausage. Cooking over, Cawwianne walks off, muttering “bullshit” and crying a single perfect tear directly into the camera. I hope she got that on her pizza, like that little note of truffle oil that sets the whole thing off.

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After I finish pondering how to work Red Bus Bingo as pejorative (as in “ugh, he looks a bit “RedBusBingo”) into my daily life we’re right back into the Duel Date, with Gavbot sauntering up to the pizza kitchens in sunglasses and jeans, trying to look relaxed and casual, and not at all like he’s nursing an excitement/terror induced stuffy. GIRLS ARE GONNA FIGHT! THEN POSSIBLY KISS! He promises that he is going to get to the bottom of everything. Somehow. I’m a bit disappointed he isn’t dressed up as Sherlock Holmes/McGriff The Crime Dog. Bored Voiceover Man reminds us that Gavbot sees trust as a vital part of any successful relationship. We cut back to a clip of a discussion he had with Keshia from before the fall, in bright sunshine frolicking on the Gavamaran, to prove this. Look! He’s telling her and everything!

Gavbot arrives at the restaurant, sees the pizzas (Carrianne’s appears to have attained apples AND olives at some point. I retroactively take back her “best pizza” prize) and sits down, ready to find out THE TRUTH having, as per Bored Voiceover Man, given them time to “thrash it out”. Literally. He tells them he has strong feelings for both of them, tweaks the “Massive Hypocrite Alarm” by pointing out he’s kissed both of them, and then says he doesn’t want to lose either of them. So PLEASE TELL HIM THE TRUTH? PLEEEEEEASE? This is his interrogation technique? Or is he going to go “Bad Cop” in a minute?

Anyway, Morgan and Carrianne argue back and forth about the exact events of the night in question. Morgan claims that Carrianne went to the cameraman’s room. Carrianne denies it. Carrianne claims that the cameraman woke her up from blissful sleep with the stink of filthy roadhouse whiskey on his breath, Morgan says he didn’t. Carrianne says that he only gave her a peck on the cheek and they just went out to the balcony just to have a cigarette. Morgan denies this. Morgan says all the other girls saw Carrianne wandering the corridors of Gavbot Mansion : France, clutching at the crotch of her nightie and yowling for sex like a cross between Blanche DuBois, a randy cat, and a rest-stop hooker. Carrianne denies this.

Most importantly Carrianne uses the word “dweeb”. She is not wearing a backwards baseball cap and a Turtle Power t-shirt whilst doing so.

Gavbot is very confused, because the girls are giving statements that contradict one another, poor thing. Both girls say they really want to stay all the way to the end and be Gavbot’s wifey and bear his kids. Morgan says, clearly trying to broker some sort of shabby truce/make herself look like a straight-shooter, that there’s no denying that they both love Gavin with all their hearts. Whatever. Gavbot mops his face with a napkin and groans about how he can’t stand to lose either of them. He departs the table to have a think about what a weak and pathetic man he is. So very weak.

Meanwhile, back at Gavbot Mansions : Italy, the other 7 girls still notionally in the competition are starting to get a bit bored of the whole show at this point devolving down to Gavbot trying to use his penis as some sort of divining lie-detector, standing between Morgan and Carrianne repeatedly whacking it and muttering “oh for fuck’s sake come on! Point at the girl who’s telling the truth DAMN YOU!”. Georgie and Angharad are sat on the veranda muttering their discontent about how Gavbot won’t make his mind up and get on with the rest of the show already. Keshia and Nickie meanwhile are sat on the beds, promising to kick off proper style if Cawwianne comes back. Keshia says that Carriane’s the only girl who’s ever upset her, and she’s done it TWICE. TWICE! Nickie says that if Carrianne comes back, then Gavbot isn’t the guy she thought he was, and she’s leaving. No! Nickie! Don’t leave! Not over this! THINK OF ZIVILE!

Back at the pizzeria now, and Gavbot has made up his mind now. He’s made up his mind to not make up his mind, and Carrianne and Morgan can both stay until the rose ceremony. *slow clap*.

Worst. Human Lie-Detector. Ever.

Carrianne cries. Morgan cries. The pizzas remain uneaten. Why are them neither of them dead? At a low bar I was at least anticipating bloodshed. And more swearing. Maybe a little light stabbing. In interview Gavbot promises that he’s going to be much more cynical and distrusting of both Carrianne and Morgan moving forwards, in order to better discern whether they are here for “the right reasons” (DRINK!). I bet he bloody isn’t.

Back at Gavbot Mansions : Italy, the girls are all sat around waiting to see who returns from the date, and are understandably a bit put out when…erm…it’s both of them. Morgan and Carrianne both stomp up to the table and Carrianne bursts out laughing, cackling at the looks on everyone’s faces. Morgan just mumbles “she’s back”. And how. Keshia demands to know who got the rose, and Cawwianne squeaks that neither of them got the rose, because the prod…Gavbot likes both just as much. That and he’s thick as mince.

Nickie goes full on secondary school teacher and gruffs “Is this a joke? Well why are you laughing about it then?”. She also tells Carrianne that she’s let her down, she’s let Gavbot down, she’s let Morgan down, she’s let herself down, but worst of all she’s let the WHOLE PURE INSTITUTION OF THE BACHELOR DOWN. Also a tidy desk is a sign of a tidy mind. And no fingering on the potters wheel, people have to use that for art class and NOTHING ELSE. Carrianne just snorts that she doesn’t know what else to do. There’s no point crying about it. Apart from all the times she did.

Nickie demands to know why Morgan and Carrianne aren’t in a great big cartoon dust-cloud of pulled hair-extensions and rogue punctuation marks flying through the air (I was wondering that myself), and Keshia grumbles that Carrianne just walked in laughing about it like it’s no big deal that her best mate called her a slag. Carrianne sets up the easy home-run of asking Keshia if she’d preferred her to walk in crying (duh). Carrianne then gets up in Nickie’s face asking WHAT THE FUCK IT IS TO HER, I LAUGH WHEN I’M NERVOUS, DEAL WIV IT! Keshia looks bored, and says she’d like to see Gavbot be here to witness Carrianne’s behaviour now. Why? IT’S ADORABLE!

Nickie laughs “Carrianne’s back!” and then Carrianne reaches into her trump bag, which she will be drawing from for the next month, which is labelled “all the things that Morgan said about everyone else behind their backs”. Yeah Nickie, Morgan thinks you’re a BITCH, what do you think NOW? (Her heart bleeds, I’m sure) Nickie waggles her neck and says she doesn’t CARE. She’s not here for friends, she’s not here for girls (except Zivile). She’s here to win a MAN! Why else would she leave her child behind?

A giant neon sign flashes in front of Angharad saying “BE INTERESTING!”. She continues to stare right through it. Instead Georgie gets back to complaining about how the whole show is now about Morgan and Carrianne, and has devolved into a pantomime (unlike when Gavbot was dry-humping Layla on a zipline and fending off marriage proposals from Aaaaleeeeah). Carrianne reassures her that Gavbot definitely has strong feelings for people other than Carrianne herself. Definitely. He said so and everything. Please don’t everyone quit, because then the show might not be on television!

Nickie however, is finally bored of this shit, and has decided she wants to quit. I think it’s the realisation that, whilst this has mostly been an hilarious life-distraction up til now, it’s not really worth leaving her kid behind to write doggerel and be squeaked at by Pinocchio-Boobs. She interviews that she’s bored of all the bitching, and she’s realised she’s got a good life back in Blackpool, and would now quite like to be getting back to that please. Personal Growth! ish…

Meanwhile Georgie and April are sat artfully on a banquette, miserying on that they’re not getting enough attention. Georgie says that she does have feelings for Gavbot, but at the moment she feels like she’s just here to make up the numbers (truth, regardless of whether she wins or not). April just says “yeah” a lot, and stares out the window behind Georgie’s head. Carrianne squeaks in interview that the whole house now hates her because of Morgan’s lies, what an AWFUL predicament to be in. Oh Carrianne, they all hated your arse anyway.

More Vaseline-smeared memories of happier times now. Remember when Gavbot took Nickie to that abandoned fun-fair? Remember? How everything seemed possible through the lens of that sweet candy-floss, a late-summer fecund humidity in the air, and the vague smell of piss near the dodgems? It’s all gone now, like dust in the wind. *sniff* Nickie writes a letter to Gavbot telling him why she’s quitting. She didn’t use the words “indecisive twat” or “don’t blame me when she starts seeing your daughter as competition and “accidentally” locks her in the shed”, so she’s being kinder than I would be. She packs up her bags and leaves the Mansion, making sure to give Zivile an extra big hug and kiss on the way out, as Gavbot reads her letter and…doesn’t seem that bothered. Oh well, he only met her once *shrug*

I will miss her, I think.

Anyway, the duel-date of MORGAN VS CARRIANNE having ended in defeat for Nickie, mentally, it’s time for this week’s solo date! In Venice! April reads out that only one person will be going on this date. Oooh yay. Time for a girl who’s not spent much time with Gavbot to have his light shine down on her personality, illuminating a possible connection in a field that seems to be narrowing in interest every se…oh no, wait, it’s just Layla again. She fiddles with her hair-extensions and says that this is all very awkward given that she had the last solo date, in Monte Carlo. Oh well, tum ti tum, she’s sure there’s a reason for it. Probably.

Bored Voiceover Man reminds us that Gavbot and Layla are total lesbians for each other, but they’ve not kissed yet. Maybe Romantic Venice will provoke a kiss?! When I went to Venice it stank, although to be fair, I was backpacking, so maybe that was me. Gavbot and Layla wander the streets hand in hand, as Gavbot mumbles that this is “like a second date”. You mean in the sense that it is one Gavin, unless you count that time you waltzed for five seconds or…I don’t know Psychic Fun Knife-Throwing Night. I forget what these people have done at this point. Have they bungeed? Surely somehow has to bungee to prove their love for Gavin at some point?

Having walked they share a glass of wine in a restaurant and resist the urge to tell the soundtrack to knock off playing O Sole Mio for 5 fucking seconds. Layla reuses the exact same tired “I can’t believe I’m sat in [X] with [Gavin Henson]” meme she used on her last date. Sigh. Even more intesting, she decides to dredge up Carrianne vs Morgan again and ask WHY Gavin, WHY DID YOU DO THAT? Gavin says that he didn’t feel like he could send either girl home until he’d sorted out in his head who was lying and who was truthful. So that’s Carrianne and Morgan stuck on this show until the Sun swallows up the Earth, like some sort of Greek Purgatory fantasy.

Layla states now that she’s very worried, because really she and Carriane are such opposites, in that Carrianne is a mouthy bitch and she’s really lovely (paraphrased) so if he likes Carrianne enough to keep her, even though a Tragic Coronation Street Wife could detect her lying, that probably means bad things for her right? Because if Carrianne is Gavin’s type, then she can’t be? Right? RIGHT? Gavin just looks confused some more. They’ve both got tits haven’t they? *shrug* He promises Layla that he really does like her, and Layla giggles happily.

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After I finish affirming to myself that yes, Ryan Gosling, still, *sigh*, particularly in Blue Valentine and Lars & The Real Girl and that new Grand Theft Auto : Vice City movie, sigh, it’s back in Venice with the greatest meeting of minds since Katie met Peter, as Gavin and Layla see Venice by boat. Gavbot has decided that Venice is much more romantic than Paris. Layla has seen a funny little house. Gavin agrees that it is a funny little house LOL. SUCH CHEMISTRY! Gavbot calls their gondolier “buddy” a lot and tells him to go slowly under all the bridges so that the he can snog Layla under one. I don’t think I could be a gondolier. The temptation to murder would get far too great.

Layla and Gavin wend their way through the narrow side-canals of Venice and agree that it’s been a super day and so much fun. Sadly they do not drift past another gondola where Cawwianne is giving her gondolier a handjob as he punts. HOW EMBAWWASING! Gavin asks Layla if it’s ok for him to kiss her. Layla utters the immortal romantic words “I don’t mind” (QUICK! PROPOSE!) and they tongue-wrestle a tad. She at least looks less physically repelled than Morgan did, and gives him a proper physical Lean-In Of Lust. Once the kiss is over, she clicks her tongue and relaxes backwards, sated, for now, of the physical desires boiling up inside her. Phew. Any more emotions building up in there and she probably would have written a song or something.

Back at Gavbot Mansions : Italy meanwhile, the Greek Chorus of mild nagging complaint that is April, Georgie, Zivile and Angharad are all sat around wondering about the enigma that is Layla. Angharad and Georgie in particular think she’s playing a devious game : interested and attentive on solo dates, but cold and reserved in group dates. Angharad, who has had less presence on this show than probiotic yoghurt, whinges that Layla isn’t being proactive at all. I don’t know if I can come up with a better rejoinder than “well it’s more than you did”, but then again, I’m not sure she deserves one.

Back on the boat, Gavbot and Layla institute a Standard Operating Procedure wherein they have a snog every time the gondola goes under a bridge. Always helps to have a system. Layla admits in interview that she is developing “strong feelings” (new one for the drinking game? I’m thinking so. Add in “having a moment” as a sexual euphemism as well whilst we’re at it) for Gavin. Snog snog snog, bridge bridge bridge. Gavbot is developing some serious sweat-patches, but I think this is more physical exertion than he’s indulged in for a while. Carrianne did most of the heavy lifting in their snog session herself I’m guessing. Layla declares this to be the best day ever. Defo. Better than her birthday and Christmas the Disney Parade and Armistice Day and that day she found a £5 note in the street COMBINED.

As if to cap off their Perfect Day (drink sangria in the park, and then later, when it gets dark, snog a famewhore in a gondolier for Channel 5), Gavbot grants Layla his rose. Baw. Gavbot promises Layla that in future their relationship is going to evolve to an even DEEPER level. The thought that this would even be possible makes me slightly vertiginous. They snog again, but there’s no bridge. This is a blatant violation of their own system. Clearly this relationship is DOOMED.

Layla interviews that she’s not going to tell the other girls that she snogged Gavin, because that’s her business and nobody else’s (apart from, you know, the entire viewership of Channel 5), but she’d be lying if she said it wasn’t very nice. Gavbot concurs that this kissing was the best kissing so far. He enjoyed every single one! Wowwie! More kissing follows. The gondolier contemplates suicide.

Next day now, and having run out of things that he wants to do on actual dates (draw things, go on a boat, go camping, go on a boat again, get drunk, go on a boat again, go to an abandoned funfair, get naked for no real reason, stripping, go on a boat again), Gavbot has decided to just resort to random reality show staples. This week, it’s time to get the army in to yell at the girls like this is Full Metal Jacket. I think Zivile’s probably the Private Pyle.

Anyway, it’s early morning in Gavbot Mansions Italy, and some vaguely Triga looking fellow called “Sergeant Jimmy” bursts through the front door, and tells all the girls to WAKE UP AND GET OUT OF BED AND GET BY THE POOL IN 5 MINUTES OOH I AM A VERY SCARY ARMY MAN INDEED! Having lived with Laura for two weeks, the girls no longer know the meaning of fear and just giggle their way down to the pool in their most athletic looking outfits. It’s not exactly rich-pickings. April looks like the only athletic competition she’d be viable to enter would be Dead Or Alive : Beach Volleyball edition.

Sergeant Jimmy makes all the girls skip and squat and punch the air and lots of other moves that make their boobs bounce an awful lot. He appears to be working up more of a sweat just standing there and yelling and red-facing at the girls than any of them are. Although he is (very) Scottish, so maybe the climate just isn’t for him. This though, was just a warm-up, because “Sergeant Jimmy” has a message from Gavin Henson and that message is that the girls who have been ignored for the last 3 episodes (April, Angharad, Keshia, Georgie, Zivile) are all going to participate in a (metaphorical) marathon for his love. All 5 girls looks miserable. Layla gets Monte Carlo and Venice, they get doing jumping jacks in denim shorts in the garden

Angharad and Keshia both complain along this theme. Angharad first to April, saying that this is awful for her, because she’s really unfit and is just going to end up looking like a loser. Hey Angharad, maybe you should be more proactive or something. Then Keshia complains to Georgie and Zivile that every date she goes on she has to pack her trainers and hike through woods and get dirt in her hair and sweat under her pits. She just wants a nice glamorous date for once where she can look pretty and no, stripping does not count.

Bored Voiceover Man tells us that it’s not all bad news for these women though. The best girl on the date will win a rose, if Gavbot can remember that’s what he’s supposed to be doing. He has such strong feelings for all of them, it doesn’t matter that April had to be driven off in an ambulance hooked up to an intravenous drip. IT’S SO CONFOOSING!

The form of the competition for Gavbot’s love is labyrinthine and confusing. One girl works out with Gavin whilst the rest…run around with some tyres or something? And for some reason “Sergeant Jimmy” occasionally asks random questions about Gavin’s favourite food and his favourite colour and his favourite member of McFly and his favourite battle of the American Civil War and his favourite word that you can spell using the letters of “smile” and so on. It does still make more sense as a gameshow than Red Or Black did.

Imagine how much interest I have in seeing scantily-clad women working out. Yeah, that much. Clearly much less than the camera-people. Georgie seems to throw herself into it, Angharad…doesn’t, Keshia’s arse is ridonkulous, Zivile does squat-thrusts like a mysterious intriguing Lithuanian virgin. That sort of thing. Once it’s over Gavin says that he really enjoyed the date because he really enjoys working out, because it gives you lots of opportunities to overwork things, or strain things, or pull things, and that means you can’t play rugby oh no.

Once “the sweaty stuff” is over, says Bored Voiceover Man (who probably isn’t much of a gym goer, because all his enthusiastic work on this show probably doesn’t leave him much time for any outside interests) it’s time for a picnic (again), at the end of which Gavbot will grant a rose to the fittest girl and also invite her on a luxury pampering spa date. Gavbot chats to everyone about how hard they tried, and Angharad shows her pro-activity by giggling inanely every time he pauses for breath. This is not enough pro-activity though, as the rose for this date goes to Georgie. Georgie disinterestedly munches on a wasabi pea.

She breaks from chewing to say that before she accepts the rose, she wants to have a private chat with him and “get some stuff off her chest”. Can she not do that in the luxury spa? Will having cucumber on her eyes and mud up her bum stop her whinging about Carrianne somehow? Anyway, they go off to the side and she complains to Gavbot that the last week has been really difficult for her, because everything’s been about Carrianne and Morgan and not about anybody else. She feels like she’s wasting her time here (SPOILERS : YOU ALL ARE, IT’S THE BACHELOR WITH GAVIN HENSON WTF?) and wants reassurance from him that she isn’t. She’s put her FEELINGS on the line damnit. It’s alright for him, getting to leave every day and be “off-set” but all these girls are on film and cooped up together 24/7 and it’s driving them all MENTAL. Gavbot replies that he understands where Georgie’s coming from, but she has to be fair to Carrianne and Morgan. You have to admit they’re honest and up-front about their feelings, apart from the part where maybe they might be full of shit. But hey, Gavbot only remembered which one was Morgan (REAL) and which one was CJ from Baywatch (FICTIONAL) yesterday, so it’s not fair to decide about them when it’s so early in his relationship with both of them. All of the girls are very dear to him though definitely. There’s still a very long way to go in this show.

There is? *quits like Nickie*

Gavbot jokingly finishes by saying that the date they would have gone on was really amazing and was like a full spa day and everything, but if Georgie’s determined to be a baby about it…At the promise of a chocolate facial, Georgie bites Gavin’s hand off and jokes that she hasn’t turned him down – she just hasn’t accepted the rose yet! LOL! GIVE ME THAT SPA DATE! They walk off, and Gavin interviews that he really respects Georgie for standing up to him over his continuing dithering with Carrianne, and he’s glad that she’s still interested, because he was the second girl he gave a rose to. At some point. Does he have a spreadsheet? I wouldn’t feel so alone if he did.

(Fun Fact : My spreadsheet for The Bachelor has a little one-word description I added in episode 1 to help me remember who was who. For Zivile I wrote “jolly”.)

Before they head off to the spa, Gavbot decides that he needs to explain to all the other girls his very complicated feelings. He continues wallowing in how hard it is for him, being a shy person such as he is, forced to get intimate with all these girls in such a short period of time. He needs them to understand that he and Carrianne “had a moment” (DRINK!) and as such, he can’t let her go easily. Once he’s let a girl into his heart/downstairs parts, it’s such a wrench to dump her afterwards. Except all those one-night stands that he definitely has never had obviously. Keshia tells him that it’s nice to just hear him speak about his feelings and have a conversation with him. You know, on this dating show. She feels like they, collectively, have given him so much and they’ve got nothing back. Gavin returns at this point to the theme that Morgan (who barely spoke to him before giving him a crappy sneering snog) and Carrianne have been really open with their feelings to him, more than anybody else. They’ve given him a lot!

I’ll bet.

Angharad whinges that she knows now that Carrianne and Morgan obviously aren’t going home, and Layla and Georgie now have roses, so it’s between the four of them sat here boo hoo boo hoo. Gavbot says he might not keep Morgan and Carrianne! He hasn’t decided yet! He “never does to be honest”. Well, glad we got that on record at any rate. He feels strongly for them, but some of them he needs to spend more (/any) time with, at some point. Maybe. There’s some bumf here about how Georgie is going to accept the rose, but the spa date is cancelled, because Gavbot is worried about leaving the girls alone without him unless they…I don’t know, overdose like The Virgin Suicides or something? So they’re all just going to splash around in the pool together.

Is it just me, or is this show disintegrating structurally faster than the cake that Donna Summer left out in the rain?

Gavbot interviews that the near full-cast mutiny he’s clearly got on his hands over just what a waste of time this whole show is is “eye-opening”, but he’s still got faith that this is the perfect environment for him to find true love. Oh bless.

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After I finish rewatching Heaven falling on her arse on the way out of Big Brother again and again and again and again, it’s time for the never pointful Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, where we find Carrianne worrying that the continuing nuclear war between her and Morgan means that one of them will definitely go home tonight. If anything Carrianne, it’s the only thing keeping Morgan here. Gavbot emerges in a white shirt and skinny tie, at which Keshia wolf-whistles. Oh Keshia, standards please. He tells them all they look great, and he’s really enjoyed all the displaying and sharing of feelings that have been going on recently. It’s a real learning process.

Bored Voiceover Man says that Gavbot has noticed that the girls aren’t as relaxed as they usually are, and for once that isn’t being used in this context to mean “fall-down drunk”. The tension is illustrated with Layla pulling a full-on “oh dear, I appear to be out of alcohol fiddle-dee-dee this is definitely not an excuse to run away from your presence *LEGS IT*” on Carrianne. Into this awful atmosphere, Gavbot interviews that he truly understands why everyone’s so miserable. He just has that effect on women, and their ovaries of emotion.


Layla and Georgie are safe already, and the 5 Ceremony Roses are glistening in their bowl. Gavbot gives all the girls a speech about how all of them have touched his life deeply with their presence, and their beautiful souls will be forever etched into the very oak of his being. CEPT YOU ANGHARAD LOL, BYE GURL! The roses in order are granted to :


Carrianne says she’s so glad to be staying, but sad to lose Angharad as everyone loved her and there’s other people who should have gone before she did, and Gavbot says that that was the most EMOTIONAL Rose Ceremony yet, because all the girls were crying and stuff. Georgie also says that Angharad is such an amazing girl and will be a great loss. Meanwhile Angharad herself is as exciting going as she was coming. I guess sometimes just being Welsh alone ISN’T enough.

2 thoughts on “The Bachelor – Episode 6

  1. Missfrankiecat

    I know Gavbotspeak is as unfathomable as it is cliched but ‘opening one’s heart’ appears to have taken over from ‘having a moment’ and ‘being here for the right reason’ as this weeks mantra. Quite where does Gavbot his heart is situated? The only people ‘risking getting hurt’ appeared to be MissPiggy and Miss Restylane in the kitchen with the pizza cutters, although if Gavbot continues in this vein I can’t see Keshia not taking a swing with a well aimed expletive (more power to her Potty Mouth say I)


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