The Bachelor – Episode 5

FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

I have started to notice that the establishing shots for this show are getting fewer and fewer and the padding and revision of what happened in previous episodes has increased exponentially. It’s almost as though they’ve had to get rid of some members of the camera-crew for some reason…

Anyway, we’re now randomly in Italy. We didn’t even get to see a random “girls packing their bags” sequence. Boo. Gavbot Mansions Italy looks more rusty and gothic and overgrown than Gavbot Mansions France, and the girls walk up to it hand-in-hand, possibly in terror. Apart from Carianne and Morgan who troop in at the back, looking bored. None of that lezzy hand-holding for them. Gavbot mumbles that he hopes these girls are here “for the right reasons”. Whatever those may be. Get used to the phrase “for the right reasons”, because you’re going to be hearing it…ooh, every 5 seconds or so. He’s waiting for them on the front steps, in jeans and a pink shirt, having allowed his stubble to grow out of control over the past few days. He welcomes them to their new place where they’ll be staying/stalked by a malevolant dwarf in a red overcoat (HI CHARLOTTE!) until they randomly teleport to Greece or something.

Bored Voiceover Man tells us that Gavbot Mansions Italy is located near Venice, and dates back to the 16th century. You can tell once again that he’d much rather be narrating a much classier programme. Tough tits Bored Voiceover Man, you’re stuck with these clowns for another month at least. We see lots of fancy shots of rooms the girl will never be allowed in, as they bunk down in a corner of the visitor shop and Angharad stuffs her face with Italian Walls’ Twisters. But before all that, Gavbot has an invitation for them. Tonight there will be a MASKED BALL! OOOOOOH!

April gasps delightedly, as her only memory of her school prom is hiding in the girls toilets hyper-ventilating into a plastic bag, looking like Katy Perry in the “(Last) Friday (Night) (TGIF) I (Did) A Wee (In A Bus Stop) (LOL!) (I Was So Wankered I Swear So Funny) (TEE HEE!)” video. BUT NOW SHE’S PRETTY! Angharad just shakes her boobs about a bit. I guess it’ll do in lieu of having a personality. Gavbot informs that, before the ball, the girls will be vetted by his mates, Matt & Nils, who will decide which three get to do a dance with him. He doesn’t mention if this is supposed to be a reward or a punishment.

So…Gavbot’s “mates” then. One of them’s his agent. That’s all kinds of tragic. I think I’d be less embarrassed if he’d brought his mum along to judge. That one’s Matt. The other one is Nils who is a friend from back home in Wales. Both of them shuffle around and talking about how they’re looking for someone who is trustworthy and here for Gavin and not for the huge fame that’s going to come with winning the Gavbotcheler then getting text-dumped three days later. If they’re here for the fame, Matt’s going to take them back to his hotel room later and show them something they might quite like to sign. He can get them on the next series of Celebrity Masterchef GUARANTEED!

(Sidebar : *brief mourn for what BBC 1 has done to Celebrity Masterchef*. Both in the scheduling and in the fact that, having allowed Linda Lusardi into the semi-finals, it is now a less rigorous test of cooking skill than Come Dine With Me)

(Other Sidebar : Someone tell me one good reason why neither of these people is Katya Virshilas)

Anyway, Matt and Nils are going to sit the girls down and interrogate them and make sure they’re not on the telly just to try and get on the telly. Nils of course, is in no way imagining someone loving his natural tv presence and signing him up for a Gilette advert. I think I liked Gavbot’s other mate better. The one who just made cocktails, looked awkward, then did some ham-fisted flirting the next day. If I’m sitting down and vetting who is friends with Gavbot “for the right reasons” (and let’s face it, those right reasons are pretty much the same as the right reasons for the girls) I’m going for him.

Morgan is first. They ask her if she’s high-maintenance, and she replies that people always assume that. Nils and Matt both pull “Beaker From The Muppets” face for no real reason. THAT’S MORGAN GRILLED, ONTO THE NEXT ONE! April is asked why she’s here, and she reply-sings that she’s here to find LUHVE! Keshia tells them that faithfulness is very high on her list of things that will make her not cut you. Although she can’t guarantee anything. They look terrified. Zivile tells them that she is here for have family not like other girls with their selfish wombs. She not like go out and get wasted.

Nickie is asked what sort of modelling she does. I like to think they weren’t briefed on this : they just took it for granted. Given that the cast seems to have been culled from the “not currently working” books of modelling agencies, it’s probably a safe bet. Nickie reels off “commercial, fashion and glamour” and admits that she thinks this might be a disadvantage. Really? Is there any girl left who isn’t a model? Keshia? Angharad tells them that she plans to never leave Wales ever again, and Matt and Nils deem her to be “too Welsh” for Gavin, as she walks back to the house. Yeah, it’s not as though they’re his type, or that that’s the only reason she’s still here or anything.

Layla next, and she talks about her dating history. She was in a relationship for 6 years, never dated anyone before or anybody afterwards. Matt and Nils smug appreciatively at this combination of virgin and homemaker. Carrianne follows and says she likes Gavbot because he’s hot and easy to talk to. So easy to talk to you ram your tongue down his throat at any given opportunity, just to make it stop. Nils asks her how she’s getting on with the other girls in the house, and she squeaks that she HATES ALL THOSE BITCHES. Well there’s 3 or 4 (?!) she likes, but the rest are BITCHES. Nils digs deeper and gets her to spill that there is one girl who is blates only here to get famous, not naming any names.

COUGH COUGH

As Carrianne walks off, Matt wonders why she has so many issues with the other girls. Yeah Matt, s’not at all why she was cast. At all. Probably by you.

Anyway last up, merrily tripping forward in a purple sun-dress, like a lamb to the slaughter, is Georgie. Nils asks her how she thinks winning will affect her career. Georgie giggles that she really hasn’t thought about it, gosh, really, affect her career, do you think *shoulder boop*. She’d never gosh, she’d never want to be seen as someone who just made it off the back of someone else, gee, erm, she’d have to, erm, try and establish herself her own way, however she’d do that, gee, erm, never thought about it, definitely not BOOP-OOP-EE-DOOP.

It’s not…terribly convincing, although it might just be nerves. She does seem to think she’s in a job interview. As she walks off Matt and Nils decide she’s only here because she’s got nothing better to do. Hey, it’s why I’m here. I hope they’re not doubting I’m here for the right reasons.

As Matt and Nils deliberate who gets punished for their virtue by having Gavbot stamp all over their feet, the girl pick out outfits, which I will no doubt be hearing about via the Google searches people do to find this blog. THEY’ER ALL FROM M & S! The girls are all fitted with these outfits, and special bonus corsets and wigs, in order to look extra 17th century. So the house can claim one of them for its wife and transport her off, never to be seen again. I hope it’s Angharad. Nobody would notice.

Matt & Nils “feed back” to Gavin. They think Cawwianne is very honest and straight-forward, Morgan is stunning but “may not be here for the right reasons” (right, that’s it, I’m calling this a drinking game, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!). They also don’t know if Georgie is here for the right reasons. (DRINK!), and think Zivile is very honest and refreshing (/dumb as a post). Feedback over, Matt awkwardly slimes that Gavbot has to watch out for him and Nils sneaking in the ball and telling him who to dance with. He then awkwardly toasts to nothing in particular. I don’t like seeing people’s agents on the tv. STOP SPOILING THE MAGIC GAVBOTCHELER! I THOUGHT GAVIN STUMBLED ACROSS THE CONTRACTS FOR THESE SHOWS IN A MAGICAL FOREST!

It’s time for the ball! Everyone walks around in masks and capes and giant dresses, and the whole thing is very padded out with locals (/those members of the camera-crew whose dicks can be trusted) going “rhubarb rhubarb so I says to her, Mabel I says…” to the girls, whilst Matt and Nils also flimmy around the edges. Nils’ mask makes him look a bit like that blowjob paving-slab from Dr Who. Into the centre of it all walks Gavbot, in one of those Plagueish sort of masks that prevents anyone from getting too close to your actual face. In interview he says that he loves dancing (to be honest Gavbot, it doesn’t much love you) and that you can tell so much about a girl by dancing the Waltz with her. I wonder what dancing the waltz with Katya told him about her?

You know, other than “bitch crazy”.

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After I wonder just how much of the years 2001-2004 I’d remember if they’d invented Bayley’s Biscotti when I was young (answer : none), we are right back in to Gavbot’s ball. So to speak. Nils siddles up to Gavbot, and informs him that the first choice of he and Matt for Gavbot to dance with is April. Bored Voiceover Man drones to us that, as Venetian custom dictates, Gavbot walks up to April and invites her to dance by turkey-slapping her. Sorry, no, by presenting her with a lace handkerchief. He invites her off to the side and asks if she knows how to waltz. She says that he’ll have to teach her, and Gavbot guides her through the steps, like the expert teacher he is. Somewhere, a branch of Currys rubs its hands at the prospect of providing Katya with another plasma tv, to replace the one she just threw a shoe at. Her dancing, when it comes, is positively Garraway.

After the dance is over, Gavbot takes her to a sideroom to have a “proper chat” as it turns out waltz is in fact not as good a method of personality analysis as he thought. She tells him she likes his stubble, as he readjusts his hair manically after taking his mask off. They’re so well suited. She likes talking about his hair, he likes talking about his hair. They also discuss how she’s been single for 2.5 years, and if in fact this means that she has healed back up, you know, DOWN THERE. Gavbot agrees that he’s the same, and it’s because he’s very shy and doesn’t really let people in. He says dressed as a 17th Century Renaissance Comte (I said Comte) on Channel 5. Both April and Gavbot continue to agree that they’re both really shy and have low self-esteem and they don’t know they’re beautiful and that’s what makes them beautiful, as April frantically picks and licks at the gloss that’s turning her lips into the Arizona desert.

Back in the ballroom, Angharad and Georgie sit on the sidelines looking miserable that the handsome jock isn’t talking to them, and Cawwianne informs the cameraman that Layla has gone outside to throw up with nerves and rage. Well, she’s going to have to wipe those diced carrots off her chin, as she’s next for a dance, as Matt informs him in a not at all “HOW ARE YOU BUDDY? HOW’S IT GOING?” sort of sequence. Gavbot wanders over to Layla, who is currently mid-dance with someone else (HOOR! THROW HER OFF THE SHOW!) and cuts in, presenting her with a rather soggy looking hankie. I don’t want to think what he might have been doing with it after his date with April. They dance. She is, if anything, even worse than April.

Screw that anyway, Morgan and Carriane are sat on the sidelines with Carrianne squeaking away in a high-pitched voice about Layla. Carrianne in particular throws a strop, and says she KNEW Layla would get it, and she must have been LYING when she said that she and Gav had no chemistry. I do hope he was meant to hear that. She’s certainly shouting it loud enough. Meanwhile, Morgan has slipped into a coma.

Layla and Gavbot’s side-date is basically a catch-up from last week’s date in Monte Carlo on the gavamaran, with them both agreeing that they are definitely not just friends and there is definitely more chemistry to it than that. Gavbot repeats this in interview and says he hopes they can build on their romantic spark. I mean, I don’t see it, but ok.

Back in the room, Bored Voiceover Man resentfully spits out the word “consigliere” like he hadn’t made it obvious enough so far that he KNOWS he’s better than this shit, as Nils siddles up to Gavbot on the balcony and tells him to dance with Zivile. I’m VERY dissapointed there’s been no cunning mask-swap action in the episode. To be fair, it’d only really work with the men, who all appear to be wearing coal-scuttles on their faces. We’re reminded that Zivile and Gavbot have had a total of zero conversations thus far, unless you count that photoshoot from way back where she saved him from drowning by sticking her tits in his face IN A MYSTERIOUS, ENIGMATIC AND CLASSY WAY.

Zivile rather brightly tells Gavbot that she knows how to waltz, and they move round the room in a way that’s almost not embarrassing. Almost. Zivile is in flats. Probably because heels are for dirty hookers who show everything on a first date not like Zivile. Angharad and Georgie continue to moan on the sidelines. No one curr.

In their side-date, Zivile says she’s very surprised Gavin’s mates chose her. Gavbot reassures her that they really liked her. I rather get the impression with Zivile that, if you dated her and she didn’t like your friends, you would be very quickly without friends. Gavbot tells her that she was easily the best dancer out of the three girls selected and she giggles about how she just followed his big strong body around the floor. The hussy. She also grins that she feels like she’s in the middle of a fairy-tale in this ball, and getting to spend time with the handsome prince is really good! Gavbot finds this “talking like a slightly backwards 13 year old” thing really intriguing and mysterious. He would.

Speaking of heavy-handed mystery, at this point a creepy haunted piano starts tinkling, and all the footage goes into slow-mo and off-centre (this is in no way because the camera-man is getting a blowy from Carrianne) and Bored Voiceover Man starts whispering about INTRIGUE and SECRETS and COURT POLITICS. It turns out that this is because Morgan has got Gavbot’s agent in the corner and is telling him how Carrianne is a massive slag and not here for the right reasons (DRINK!). But she won’t say any more. Bored Voiceover Man breathes that what Carrianne actually did remains a secret……FOR NOW! God, it’s like a scene from Dangerous Liaisons or something. If Glenn Close were a piggy-eyed glamour model from Derby and the plot had been about getting yourself trending on twitter.

It’s now time for this week’s first DATE CARD. April reveals to the group that Georgie, Angharad and Morgan will all be joining Gavbot for a fishing expedition, and Morgan throws a massive bitch-fit about how fishing is gross and awful and an old-man thing to do and she really wanted to have her first grope of the Gav-jewels somewhere that didn’t smell of fish-guts. Angharad gives an interview that basically says “I still exist”. And nothing more. Ever.

At the marina, Gavbot awaits, in a neon red and yellow fishing boat. Why can’t they use the gavamaran for fishing from? I’ll miss that anonymously low-level glamour boat. The girls all embark and get to handling a cold wet slimy dead thing used to lure in dumb unsuspecting pondlife. Wait until they see what prize for winning the show is! In this case however, all they’re handling gingerly with the tips of their fingers only is some sardine sort of fish, to be used as bait for the fishing.

The fishing begins, Angharad squeals that she’s “GOT SOMETHING!” but it turns out all she’s got is a need for attention. Morgan minces around clearly grossed out just by touching the pole which…you’d think she was used to. On some level. Once it’s clear that no fish are going to be caught today (surprisingly, because the water around Venice is notoriously clean and capable of supporting life), Gavbot takes the girls up to the prow for a side-date. First is Angharad. They have a discussion about whether Angharad is really just happy being a friend with Gavbot. Angharad says she is not happy just being friends with Gavbot. It is a super-boring conversation, but then it involves Angharad, so what do you expect? She promises that if they get more time together, he’ll definitely understand that she doesn’t want to just be friends. Why not show it now Angharad? The rate this show’s going, you won’t get to speak to him again til episode 9, and that’ll be whilst doing a tandem bungee jump.

Gavbot interviews that it really just feels like Angharad and he are just on the road to becoming friends. Angharad meanwhile interviews that, given that they’re both from Wales, they have a special undefinable connection that he doesn’t have with the other girls. It’s like Glyn and Imogen Thomas in Big Brother 7. WELSH PRIDE! She is starting to think the whole “being Welsh” thing is starting to work against her. Somehow.

Back on the fishing deck, and Gavbot is jokily suggesting a game of strip-fishing to the girls, like there’s any danger of them catching anything. They could be out there for a week strip-fishing and the camera would pan back forlornly to one sports sock lying discarded on the cheap-ass carpet that’s serving as the one note of glamour on the boat. Meanwhile Morgan is displaying the best fishing technique I’ve ever seen. She’s holding the pole two-handed, behind her head, with her tits thrust forward and the end dangling over the side. EXTREME FISHING!

Side-date with Georgie now, as we’re reminded that they’ve not really spoken since he gave her that rose on the boat. I can’t even remember that happening. They’ve doled out the date-roses like communist day-care, clearly not related to anything that’s actually happening, and still the distribution is such that these girls are going weeks at a time without even speaking to Gavbot. MOST ROMANTIC SHOW EVER! Georgie jokes that it is really RUDE of Gavbot to have neglected her so, but Gavin tells her that he really was attracted to her, way back in 1992 when she got that rose, wearing a shell-suit and dancing to Turtle Power.

Next to be covered is whether she is “here for the right reasons” (DRINK!). Georgie pulls a confused face and angrIly barks “WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!”. Gavbot explains that out of all the girls, Matt and Nils thought she was the one whose motives they doubted the most. Georgie huffs that she can’t believe that Gavbot’s friends thought that about her, then just screws her mouth up and vibrates with rage. Although she still does that cutesy shoulder shrug that gets on my nerves. In interview she then bursts into tears and says that she’s really upset that Gavbot’s friends don’t like her. Especially as there are other girls there who aren’t “in it for the right reasons” (DRINK!). They’ve TOLD HER that they’re just looking forward to their first (Richard Desmond’s) OK Magazine spread. (Other magazines are not available). THAT’S NOT HER WORLD!

Morgan and Gavbot meet up last on the prow, and Bored Voiceover Man, determinedly picking holes in the format of the programme, says that Morgan and Gavin’s time alone thus far has amounted to one two-minuted speed-date. Gavbot cracks out the champagne and tells Morgan that “as she knows” he finds her very attractive. Morgan snots that she didn’t know that. Gavbot crashes on heedlessly, saying that he thinks she’s playing hard-to-get and she might be a little bit cold. Morgan’s eyes flit around disinterestedly and awkwardly. Morgan gruffs that she’s just really shy and she TOLD Gavbot that. Gavbot replies he’s heard rumours that some girls are “not here for the right reasons” (DRINK!) and Morgan agrees that that is definitely the case, as she told Gavbot’s agent last night (HINT HINT) but she is not one of those girls. She just hasn’t had the chance to tell Gavbot how she’s feeling, which is that she is very definitely attracted to him, and she’s very much looking forward to having all the sex with him.

At this point things take an utterly hideous, and therefore amazing, turn for the 14 year old. Gavbot awkwardly plays with the stem of his wine glass as Morgan stares at her own tits, clearly finding them more fascinating than anything else happening. He then announces that of all the girls on the date he would like to snog Morgan the most. He continues fiddling and earnestly says “I would like to.” Morgan EFFING NODS HER HEAD, and then lies back and thinks of OK Magazine as Gavbot raids her face. Once he’s done, she looks awkwardly off to the side like she’s just been kissing her own hand and thought better of it. Gavbot grins that that’s confirmed some things he thought already. Morgan gasps “WHAT?!” all outraged, and Gavbot says that it’s confirmed good things. I think Little Gav just said hello under the table.

Mini-dates over, Gavbot sits on the prow of the boat alone, pondering once a-fucking-gain if these girls are here for “the right reasons” (DRINK!). It sounds a bit like this is playing on the soundtrack. It probably isn’t. Once he’s done pondering, he awards his date-rose to…Morgan. For snogging him. Gavbot deems this to be “sharing a moment”. I don’t think very much about this moment was “shared” to be honest.

Bored Voiceover Man snarks that Morgan just got a “happy ending” but wait…WHAT’S THIS? IT’S TIME FOR THE EPISODE TO COLLAPSE IN ON ITSELF IN A GLORIOUS ORGY OF LYING AND BULLSHIT?! HOOORAAAAAAAAY!

Anyway, that awful looking kiss has confirmed to Morgan that she has feelings for Gavbot, and it’s also confirmed that she’s in with a chance of winning (in Morganworld, where apparently kissing Gavbot is THE KEY TO EVERYTHING and not just something he does because he wants to have done it before he sends you home, like he’s collecting you), and it’s ALSO confirmed that dropping hints isn’t going to work with Gavbot. (I know! I’m surprised as well!). So it’s time to DROP THE BOMB! (Off camera), and she finally tells Gavbot Carrianne’s deep dark dirty secret. Once she’s done telling Gavbot, Morgan recreates the scene to us like she’s on effing 999 : Lifesavers with Michael Burke. They totally should have done a reconstruction with a Carrianne lookalike.

Morgan, looking down and to the left at all times, gravely mournful, says that some French boys came to Gavbot Mansions : France and were bothering the girls, so some of the camera-crew came to shoo them off. Then one of the camera crew stayed. Then one of the camera-crew played hunt the sausage with Carrianne. She says that it seemed to Carrianne at the time that it was just a bit of fun, which CLEARLY IT VERY DEFINITELY WAS NOT. Apparently this happened hot on the heels of Gavbot and Carrianne’s “intimate picnic date”. Morgan reiterates that she’s sure Carrianne is a really nice girl, who definitely has feelings for Gavbot but, you know, she’s still kind of a slag, so what can you do? Shrug, play with nails.

(I do love that apparently the catalyst for Morgan to tell Gavbot that Carrianne was kissing another man was…Gavbot kissing another woman ie her. This show is so screwed up sometimes I swear).

Morgan and Bored Voiceover Man both tell us that Gavin took this news very hard (WHY WAS THIS NOT CAUGHT ON CAMERA?!) and that he’s gone back to his hotel to think about it and cry and punch something.

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After I finish wondering how they can afford to make a new Direct Line advert literally every 5 seconds when nobody likes them, it’s BACK TO THE DRAMA! Or at least lots of shots of Carrianne reading books and sitting on the grass and idly dangling her fingers through Gavbot Mansions : Italy’s fountain looking as determinedly innocent as possible. Gavbot has apparently cried the whole thing out, hidden his puffy red eyes under several (more) layers of make-up, and is ready to have a very serious talk with Carrianne. He’s not going to hang her out to dry just on Morgan’s say-so (BOO!).

(Why not just ask the cameraman? I doubt he’s got any vested interest in telling the truth or not).

Anyway, he’s really here for the right reasons (DRINK!) and he wants a girlfriend to treat right and love and to love him and *choke choke* *tear up*. Such a woobie. To make sure rumours don’t contaminate the contestant pool and get back to Carrianne before he has the chance to confront her, Gavbot has decided to segregate Morgan, Georgie and Angharad off on their own, like this is some 28 Days Later shit. He wants the TRUTH DAMNIT! Morgan meanwhile cries about how much she has upset Gavbot. But she had to tell him! She simply had to!

In Gavbot Mansions Italy meanwhile the girls are lazing around the garden on patio furniture, still clearly not really allowed to touch anything. Keshia stomps up holding another date-card. One that’s clearly been knocked up in 5 seconds. It basically says “write me a love letter”. What a shame Carrie isn’t still here. She was a writer you know.

All the girls retreat to various corner of the garden to scribble down their missives on bits of scrap paper with some biros. Can I point out that this isn’t a date? This is barely even a challenge. Bored Voicer Man can’t even keep track of whether they’re supposed to be writing a letter or a poem. It’s very much “what can we safely get over with in 3 minutes so we can get back to CARRIANNE’S DIRTY HOOR WAYS?”. Speaking of Carrianne, her letter/poem is :

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Italia is sweet
And I heart you

You’re amazeballs.

Love,
Carrianne

Aw, Carrianne. I think you’re amazeballs too.

Nickie’s :

I’m here for one reason (BUT IS IT THE RIGHT REASON NICKIE? HMM? IS IT?)
and I hope you see
I’m a decent girl, genuine I’ll be
Te quiero mucho is what I’d like to say
But not just yet, maybe one day
We’ll stick together like eternal glue
AND YOU’VE GOT FRUIT RIGHT ON YOUR WOO WOO!

Except maybe the last bit.

Zivile’s :

I wish I could be only girl
that you will fall for in this world
I wish to show how much I care
by letting you be first to go down there

Again, I may have taken some liberties around the end.

Songwriter and professional lyricist Layla’s :

I never believed in love at first sight
But after seeing your torso, I think that I might
You’re making me smile
More than I have in a while
This feeling is great
And you’re much more than a mate

So moving. They’d go mad for it in Ibiza.

April’s :

I like the way you comb your hair (again with the hair)
and the stylish clothes you wear
I like that we both like fish
I think you’re quite a dish

An experimental work there.

Keshia’s :

I hope to be the rainbow in your sky
And the brightest star of your night.
The rock that never crumbles when you’re in need
All I ask is for you to be my equal and return the favour
Also, don’t be a twat

Doesn’t even rhyme.

Gavbot stares at all the poems and lies that they’re all amazing, like he can even read. Of course they’re totally irrelevant, because he’s going to use this as a springboard to confront Carrianne anyway. He pretends to her that she’s won, so he can have a private talk with her. She merrily skips up smiling, thinking her use of iambic pentameter, and the word amazeballs, has won him over. She gives him a great big hug, and he awkwardly asks that she sit down. She giggles that she didn’t think he’d pick hers, and he grumps that they should get right into it.

He tells her that he came into the show doubting that he could ever feel anything for a woman ever again, and Carrianne redeemed his faith in womanhood by showing him he could feel love again. AND THEN SHE RUINED IT BY BEING A WHORE! He found out yesterday that she “had a moment” with one of the camera-crew in France. Carrianne squeaks that she never, but she knew this was going to be brought up. She never kissed him! Morgan was there, ask her, she’ll back her up.

WAH WAH WAHHHHHHHHH!

Gavbot tells her that Morgan was the one who told him, and Carrianne is DISBELIEVING! She thought Morgan was her friend, and she can’t believe that she’d make up something like that. It definitely didn’t happen! Confused by this mightily, Gavbot asks Carrianne if he can just take two minutes to think about things. Two people are saying things that contradict one another! He has never been in this situation before! It’s too hard! He has to thiiiiiiiink! Gavbot wanders off huffing and says he doesn’t know who to believe. He’s very annoyed Carrianne just denied it and wasn’t more emotional about it. That makes him think she was lying. I love that Gavbot is actually one of those men who tears work on. I mean, it’s not unexpected but still…

He walks back to Carrianne and she giggles that it looks like he’s been thinking a lot. He groans that it’s really difficult for him, because he does have strong feelings for her, but he doesn’t know her well enough to be able to trust her yet. That said, he’s locking Carrianne in a cupboard in some sort of weird solution where she gets to go through to the next round, but she doesn’t get a rose, and instead she has to sit in the dark and think about what she has/hasn’t done, and suffer the eternal punishment of…I dunno, not getting to talk to Georgie or whatever.

OFF TO YOUR CUPBOARD, WOMAN!

Carrianne heads off, and interviews that she really doesn’t want to be judged for something she hasn’t done. Frankly she’s got enough on her plate being judged for things she has done. Still, it’s up to Gavbot what he does, tum-ti-tum. At the same time, the 5 girls left outside of quarantine are getting for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. The cocktail on offer this week being “A Glass Of Wine”. Nickie, clearly loving every minute of this drama, sits on her bed and grins that three girls went on a date last night and haven’t come back, and now Carrianne’s disappeared as well! Maybe he’s actually started killing them off! Hooray! Layla’s just confused.

Confrontation over with, it’s finally safe for Morgan, Angharad and Georgie to be dispatched back into the community. Angharad is dressed like someone who pissed off the Strictly Come Dancing Wardrobe Department. Georgie is wearing something Princess Anne might have worn in 1988. Morgan looks like a burst red pepper. All their dresses are from C & A. Gavbot joins them at the first time, so he can hog the glory of telling them all that war has now been declared between Morgan and Carrianne, rather than letting it disseminate naturally via shrieks and upended wine glasses, as it should. Morgan does her best to look guilty, and her hands are shaking so much she can’t even drink.

At the news that Carrianne did not in fact back down immediately, Morgan has a full-on panic attack at the side. Meanwhile Gavbot thanks everyone for their amazing love-letters, and Nickie snarks that they must have been a real ego-boost yeah? For sure, there’s nothing that makes a man feel better about himself than knowing his love of fish is appreciated. He finishes by very earnestly saying “let’s just try and enjoy tonight” like, you know, something ACTUALLY depressing has happened.

Morgan full on spazzes in interview that she never thought Carrianne would deny it (have you MET Carrianne) so she’s stuck in a she-said, she said situation, is never going to win, and has now lost a friend on top. This is actually all true, although I would point out that said friend was CARRIANNE. Gavbot pulls her aside to give her a status update, and let her know that when Carrianne comes back she’s going to rip her face off like that chimpanzee did to that lady. Morgan’s panic escalates to untenable levels at this stage, and she repeatedly says that she wants to quit and go home and forget everything. Gavbot looks hurt and asks if she didn’t appreciate their “moment” the night before, and she’s all erm…yeah…that awkward snog was amazing, but now it is all ruined boo hoo, CARRIANNE IS GOING TO KILL ME.

Gavbot reassures her that he’s not playing them and pretending he’s in the dark when he’s definitely seen the footage. He really is as clueless as he appears to be. But whatever he decides, he still likes her. Please don’t quit before Carrianne can lodge her foot in your foof! Morgan gives him a hug, and decides that she might hold on for a while yet. I hope she and Carrianne have a sword-fight in a bikini in a gondola. Gavbot repeats in interview that these two women are making contradictory statements, and he has NO IDEA WHO TO BELIEVE!

(*advertisement break*)

After I finish wondering why they’re pretending those Brighthouse women are straight (follow-up featuring Nickie & Zivile soon please!), we’re back to the world’s most awkward cocktail party. Gavbot has decided that he can’t deal with two women making contradictory statements, so he’s going to make things clearer by…asking all the other women what they think happened. Yeah, this will get things cleared RIGHT UP. Fortunately, all the girls asked say pretty much the same thing : “I hate Carrianne, so whatever Morgan said she did, up to and including kidnapping the Lindberg baby, probably happened”. Georgie, Nickie and Zivile in particular all have major problems with her. Gavbot, having heard this testimony, says that he never knew that everyone hated Carrianne quite this much.

Really? Despite that being the theme of the whole date with Danielle? Whatever, he is FLABBERGHASTED!

Bored Voiceover Man says, with a hint of despair, that “despite Carriannegate”, Georgie and Angharad are still panicking over the theme of the last couple of dates. Georgie takes her opportunity to corner Gavbot and press on him again that his friends were really wrong about her being there for “the right reasons” (*DRINK*) (*HIC*) and says that it really upset her and shocked her. Nobody has ever questioned her natural Snow White purity innocence ever before! In her entire life! Gavbot tells her not to worry about it, his mates are idiots. One of them got them this gig after all. In the middle of this Angharad stomps up TURBO-SPEED to tell him that she is not here to make friends, not even with him. SHE’S HERE FOR LURRVE! AN SHE FINDS HIM REALLY FURNEEE!

Somewhere in the middle of all this, Georgie wanders off. To be fair, wouldn’t you? Anyway, Angharad gives Gavbot a really chaste kiss on the cheek as a parting gift and honks “THANK YEW!”

ROSE CEREMONY!

Call-outs are (Morgan having already been saved…somewhere in that mess, and Carrianne being locked in her punishment cupboard) :

April (because she is attractive, and her love letter was the best)
Angharad (because she mugged him with her true feelings at the cocktail party)
Zivile (because she is so INTRIGUING!)
Georgie (because she also mugged him with her true feelings at the cocktail party and se is definitely here “for the right reasons” (DRINK!)
Layla (because she impressed his friends) (*hic*)

This leaves Keshia and Nickie and that’s so rubbish because they are my favourite two, I LOVE THEM I THINK THEY WOULD BE MY FRIENDS (*Monkseal totters under the weight of being here for the right reasons*) and I don’t know if I would watch if they went and the show would be RUINED. BOO GAVBOT YOU WANKER. (*everything goes blurry*) BUT THEN IT’S ALRIGHT BECAUSE GAVBOT PULLS A ROSE OUT OF SOMEWHERE AND THEY ARE BOTH SAFE! HOOORAY! And then Nickie grabs Gavbot round the throat and all the roses fall all over the floor and oh floor, I like the floor, it’s so cool I’m just going to have a lie-down on it for a bit…

(*Monkseal falls asleep, vomits on self*)

Next week : CARRIANNE VS MORGAN! FOR REAL THIS TIME!


12 thoughts on “The Bachelor – Episode 5

  1. Hannah

    Totally hilarious recap, as ever. I love how the producers pretended that Carianne can read, and that Morgan is capable of interacting with another human without the presence of a camera. Bless.

    Reply
  2. Missfrankiecat

    The script is getting really hard to stomach now. Who could possibly believe that CawwieAnne wouldn’t point out that Gavbot had been ‘having a moment’ with several girls other than her and only Zivile is running the faithful/frightful virgin card.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      But Cawwianne definitely didn’t have a moment with anyone, so why point it out? I mean, obviously the show is predicated around a man’s right to shag around and a woman’s lack thereof, but even she’s a better liar than that.

      Reply
  3. Neil K

    I’m loving how being there for the right reasons (looks around for some booze but just sees half a dozen empty bottles) is simply snogging the face off Gavbot. It doesn’t even need to be a realistic snog as proven by Morgan. I just think it’s a shame that Carrie isn’t still here to launch herself at Gavbot’s lips full on psycho style to show him her virtue. Great write-up as always. 😀

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      After a double-elimination and a non-elimination, surely a returning contestant is the next thing on the cards?

      Reply
  4. Lollykitty

    Has single mother Nickie’s child died? That’s not been mentioned since their solo date way back at the dawn of time. Maybe she sold him to a cameraman.

    I am always and forever on Cawwienanne’s side in this battle of the ages.

    Reply
  5. Steven

    I think my favourite part of this episode by far was the repeated use of having “a moment” to describe whatever Cawwianne did. I can’t recall a single occasion where they discussed it without referring to it in that way.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      These people are having moments all over up the place. In the final someone will probably have a moment up the curtains.

      Reply
  6. Poppy

    I saw the last 3 minutes of this, just because I wanted to know what they looked like. Oh dear. As if Gavbot’s ego wasn’t huge enough anyway without all these dimwitted women simpering over him. I think I’ll stick with your recaps, which at least take it as seriously as it deserves to be taken, ie not, and make me laugh rather than recoil and want to cleanse myself somehow.

    Reply

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