The Bachelor – Episode 4

No, I didn’t see any of them wandering around the French Riviera. Then again, I didn’t spend much of my time hanging round soggy zipwires.

No pre-amble this week, just some squelchy synths and right into our first Gav-Mail. Obviously after 3 weeks there, the camera-crew are getting a bit bored of the South Of France, and can’t be arsed to go out and get more establishing shots. I guess once you’ve shot one leathery 30something “hostess” chatting with her gal-pal next to someone else’s yacht, you’ve shot them all. Anywho, this week’s first Gav-Mail has been delivered into the hands of Squeaky Carrianne. Possibly by Laura, given that it’s an invitation to come up into the woods alone at midnight. She definitely won’t be waiting there with a blade to slice open their faces with. IF HE JUST WANTS A NICE GIRL WITH A GREAT BIT SMILE WHO CRIES ALL THE TIME, SHE’LL GIVE HIM ONE! Carianne reads it out doing the very peculiar dance of a toddler who needs a wee, BUT JUST CAN’T STOP DANCING.

The two girls being summoned to the slaughter are Sporty Keshia and Romantic Carrie, as it’s time for yet another DUEL DATE (Dum dum durrrrrrrrm). Carrie cradles her head in her hand, as she hasn’t got round to buying that ring (and house, and children) she was going to buy for Gavbot yet. What? 20 hours of her day are taken up with crocheting a massive tapestry of them getting married in a CASTLE By a UNICORN, she’s barely got time for anything else. Keshia pointedly says that at least their duel date will be nice and calm and won’t be bitchy, mindful of the medical bills the show had to shell out for to get that embedded glass out of Danielle’s skull last week. Someone asks Carrie if she’s alright. She really isn’t.

Carrie retreats to the rocks by the side of the house, and wails that she fell smash, face-first onto the floor in love with Gavbot when he gave her her first rose (I think that was probably Carrianne, Carrie. She’s probably got a shove on her. It’s the preface to every good bar-fight. Shove, shove, hair-pull, kick to the crotch, head for the arms of the nearest burly man and act vulnerable and claim she started it) and now she’s worried she might never see him ever again! Eh, invest in a good pair of binoculars if it bothers you that much. It’d be about the same level of meaningful interaction. She says that her head is kicking in to tell her to calm down, but her heart shouts a lot louder. That and the voices.

Keshia on the other hand just sees it as an opportunity to find out if he’s really interested or not, which is more than the other girls are going to get for a good long while. Has his interaction with, say, Grumpy Ola extended beyond her grunting “DO YOU SPEAK FRENCH!”? She will be proper gutted if she goes home now. I would be too. They’re going to Italy next week! Score! Carrie sits packing her suitcase, and has now perked up and is boring on to Lithuanian Virgin Zivilie about how she’ll feel when he gives her the rose, and she knows that he loves her and she can sit under the stars with the man of her dreams. And then she goes home the next episode when Carrianne lies to Gavbot that she found Carrie’s crabs medication in her suitcase. Zivile does her best not to have “bitch, you cray-cray” written all over her face.

Gavbot, with an adorable little 5 year old’s backpack that may or may not have Dora The Explorer on it, hums merrily about how he loves the outdoors, and he hopes the girls do too. Because when I look at Gavbot, everything about him just screams “natural, hearty outdoorsman”. He’d be back in the city as soon as he ran out of Touche Eclat or at the first insect-bite to his legs. Carrie and Keshia both pick up their suitcases and head out the door, with Keshia giving Ola a hearty hug on the way out. Ola grumbles to Keshia that she better come back, because otherwise she’ll be on her own, and she’s very definitely to get the “second snog”. Carrie gets her hugs off Zivile and…I think Angharad? Anyway, mostly it’s notable for Glamorous Morgan looking like she’d rather catch feline AIDS than hug either of them.

Cruise-Ship Georgie says as they walk out the door that too of the most different people just left on a date. Yeah, one mental, and one non-mental. Carriane lies that she hopes Carrie comes back, when what she’s really hoping for is a plane to crash into both of them. Possibly piloted by Laura. KAMIKAZE, MR HENSON!

Bored Voiceover Man announces, in his very best French “3 years at RADA for this shit?” accent, that both Carrie and Keshia are heading up into the Massif des Maures, to meet Gavbot. Who is stood in the square of a possibly abandoned village, clearly rocking backwards under the weight of all the beauty products (and three changes of clothes) he’s crammed into his backpack. He tells them that they’re about to head into the great outdoors so he can pitch a tent (F’NAR F’NAR!) and then whoever impresses him most with their outdoors skills will be given a rose, and spend the night with him under the stars, whilst the other rides back to the airport in a cart attached to the back of a donkey.

The hike up the mountain begins, and it looks like Keshia actually tries talking to Gavbot whilst Carrie stares dreamily at the landscape, seeing the shape of Gavbot’s buttocks in every furrow of the landscape. Of course then a cricket jumps on Keshia and she screams like a big ol gay, so it’s swings and roundabouts really. Gavbot sighs in interview that it’d be really nice to find a girl who is an outdoorsy type, like he imagines himself to be. Maybe I’m judging. I guess he has to hide somewhere when the big boys want him to come and actually play rugby. Maybe it’s up a tree in the woods? Maybe he has a little treehouse and some comics and a miniature tea-set for him and Mr Bear?

After a hearty hike, they arrive at the top of the hill, and what Bored Voiceover Guy calls “a romantic setting deep in the forest”. Basically it a big burnt out clearing with two hiking chairs and a blow-up mattress. Oh and a tent. Gavbot smugs that obviously (OBVIOUSLY!) he knows how to put up a tent, but do the girls?! Carrie says that she does not, and Gavbot grins that this is all part of the test! Oh no, he is in fact, only joking. Keshia grins that he has to help them put up the tent, or maybe he can dig the toilets for them. A girls one and a boys one! Carrie looks vaguely mortified that anybody else is allowed to speak.

Back at Gavbot Mansions, Nickie suns herself, Morgan floats in the pool, Zivile has a healthy invigorating swim, and Welsh Angharad, Eternal Victim April and Georgie all sit on a wall and talk about what an effing mental Carrie is (/”her intense affections for Gavin”). It’s very much “she’s a very lovely girl, and it’s great that she’s so honest about her feelings, but I feel we did the right thing removing her shoelaces and hiding all her razors before she gets rejected”.

Back up in the hills, the tents are up, and Gavbot and his girls are relaxing with a heartily awkward clink of their miniature bottles of beer. Carrie then talks about what an honour and a privilege it is to have been allowed to breathe the same air as Gavbot, and he’s so noble that she’s very sure that whoever he chooses it will be for noble and pure reasons and not at all who has the biggest norks. Keshia meanwhile says that she has absolutely no idea how Gavbot feels about Carrie, and this is really the first time she’s seen them interact. She looks on at Carrie’s earnest giggling and hair-twiddling with a steely anthropologist’s gaze. Or whatever.

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After I ponder if Jenson Button’s natural tv presence in those Head & Shoulders adverts doesn’t mark him out as the next Bachelor (please please please) (or just do Gavbot again, nobody would mind), it’s right back into Hot Camping Action, and Carrie and Keshia are still downing beer up in the hills. Well, you would, wouldn’t you? Anyway, clinking over with, it’s time to take each girl aside and really get to know them personally.

First up it’s Keshia, and we’re reminded of how last week, post-stripping, she wanted a boyfriend she could tell to fuck off. And how this did not impress Gavbot, because Charlotte Church locked up in the loo and turned all the lights off once and called him a doodie head. Or something. Anyway, it was all very traumatic. But Gavbot gave Keshia a rose anyway. Shrug. They sit around in a giant swarm of midges, and Keshia says she’s so glad to have had this opportunity to go on a date where she just gets to hang out and be herself and have banter, and not, say strip to her draws to the Banana Splits theme tune or whatever they did last week. Gavbot says that he is starting to get feelings (mostly below the waist) for “some of you”. Turns out he means some of the girls, and not, say, some of Keshia. Mostly the boobs. But at least it turns out that one of the girls he has feelings for is Keshia. Keshia says she’s glad to hear this, especially after he ran away last week and hid in his trailer when she said a naughty word.

Gavbot asks her if she’s looking for a serious relationship, and Keshia, as every orifice in her face is slowly engulfed by insects, struggles gamely to say that she’s not here to mess around and she wants to treat her man right, but she doesn’t want her heart broken and yadda yadda blah so on. Gavbot in interview seems unsure whether Keshia is actually ready for a serious relationship. Says the man who has had two. She is however fun, and chilled-out, and has good banter, so *scales gesture*. Keshia too, seems pleased they got through a whole conversation without having to have prompts given to them by a camera-person.

Carrie next, and Bored Voiceover Man, with a barely disguised note of trainwreck anticipating glee in his voice, says this is a chance for her to get all her feelings out in the open once and for all. Well, there’s only another 43 minutes of show left, Bored Voiceover Man, so probably not ALL of them. Carrie says in interview that she’s got a lot to say. I’ll bet. What would be the point of having all these feelings and not telling him about them? I don’t know, dignity? I had a lot of feelings for my 5th year Classics teacher at school, but not telling him about them is what got me my A* grade and not, say, sectioned.

Gavbot asks Carrie if it’s been alright today, and she spools out how amazing it was, and how great it was to really spend time with him, and she is a “romantic” person, and she does have feelings for him, and she does have attraction for him, and they would definitely fit together forever and ever and ever. Meanwhile Gavin gulps more frequently than a guest at a bukake party.

Did you enjoy putting up the tent?

Gavbot asks, his eyes glossy with panic, if Carrie is looking for a serious relationship. Is Keshia off doing a shit in the woods? Carrie giggles that that sounds really full-on, the faint glimmers of self-awareness shining in through the window of her brain, and Gavbot says that yes, that is kind of full-on, and also what she radiates every second of the day. She says that yes, she wants someone else to be her life. Bye Carrie.

Carrie interviews that she just had a really nice conversation where she got to unburden all the feelings she’s been holding back about Gavin directly onto Gavbot, like she’d just taken a conversational Exlax, but she’s not sure how he’s received that. I think you’re probably about to find out. Gavbot huffs in interview that he’s in a world of pain now, and ponders if he has any real chemistry with Carrie. Also if she will actually stab him in the eye when he rejects her.

Rose-giving now, and the precious flower is granted up to Keshia, after a lot of “don’t hate me!” soft-shuffling from Gavbot to Carrie. They’re both such lovely girls! The two of them hug and reassure one another that they are indeed, both lovely girls (Carrie a tad more through the gritted teeth of mental anguish though, as you’d expect) and Gavbot offers to walk Carrie off and talk to her reassuringly, and maybe give her the name of a helpline she can call if she’s been affected by any of the issues that happened in today’s programme.

Carrie has a good old cry, and does the usual post-dumping “I always go for the wrong guy, I’ve just got my heart thrown back in my face” cycle, whilst Gavbot of course has a brief paddle in the pool of “this is really difficult for me personally, I’m so naive, boo hoo for Gavbot” that accompanies every elimination. I hope she finds someone nice anyway. Someone who…is not easily overwhelmed. And has a shed he can occasionally retreat to.

Back at Gavbot Mansions, everyone’s still up, possibly captivated by French Big Brother like I was, and discussing who’s coming back and what’s going on up in them thar hills. Single-Mum Nickie says that she did tell Carrie not to tell Gavbot that she loved him. She, possibly subconsciously, accompanies this with a Norman Bates/Psycho HRN’ HRN’K HRN’K stabbing motion. Anyway Gavbot’s henchman arrives, and carts off Carrie’s suitcase. Angharad looks pleased, Zivile looks sad, someone cries or possibly it’s just Carianne squeaking away merrily in the corner. Nickie comes to the conclusion that she has been ignored, and Carrie has spurted her feelings all over Gavbot like a hemorrhaging artery and then has a good laugh at how Gavbot and Keshia are going to be at it like knives up in the mountains.

I’ve got a feeling Nickie may be over this show already (and about to run off Thelma & Louise style with Zivile yes/no?).

Speaking of up in the mountains, Keshia and Gavbot are currently warming their feet by the campfire and talking vaguely sweet nothings to one another. Keshia smilingly says that it’s nice that their being together is slowly becoming more normal, and not so tv show “for periods of 5 seconds, preferably twatted”. Although she does seem a bit merry. Gavbot enters her tent, and gives the camera a good flash of his outdoorsman pants on the way in. SEXXXY ACTION! There follows the sound of snogging. Or possibly eating.

Next morning now, and Keshia returns to a big hug from Georgie, as they joke about what a dirty stop-out she is. To be fair, half of that was production making her walk back. And probably bringing some equipment back with her. Just a couple of cameras. If she doesn’t mind love that’d be great. She gossips to Nickie and Georgie (who both seem…weirdly happy for her, like I think Nickie’s going to burst) about how he spent the night in her tent, whilst “Songwriter” Layla looks on with a face like curdled milk. Keshia does reassure everyone that they just kissed and spooned (she was Big Spoon. I am SO surprised…) and NOTHING ELSE, whilst Morgan and Carrianne retreat to the Wall Of Bitching, to have a bitch.

Carrianne does not believe that Keshia just spooned with Gavbot. Carianne believes that Keshia isn’t telling them stuff, possibly penis related, just because she doesn’t want to look like a slut. Yes, because Keshia would be the slut here, not Gavbot (*post-feminist hat donned*). Morgan then tells Carrianne that she is put out, and Carrianne should be doubly put out, because she’d been there first. Remember, with the vineyard wank? Carrianne then says that Keshia is just following in her footsteps, but then cackles that she can’t say that, because she just called Keshia a slut! LOL! So “following in her slutsteps” then? Morgan continues boring on about how she wishes she could have seen inside the tent whilst Carianne continues to crack up about how everyone’s a slut.

Time for the next date-card yet, delivered by Nickie. It’s a load of art themed puns, and the girls are told that they have to bring an outfit for a fun day out, and also some pants. Nice spot by the producers that the outfit for a fun day out for most of these girls would not involve them. Everyone cottons that it’s going to be an art lesson, but Morgan huffs that they wouldn’t need to do that in their pants. On this show? Yes, yes you would.

The girls (minus Keshia, and Layla, although this isn’t mentioned) decamp to the Chateau De’WishIdTakenThatPartInStrikeBackUltimateArseCrack and Gavbot admits that this is going to be a life drawing class date. We are shown lots of refined French sculptures, none of them presumably of Beauty Therapists in their drawers. She hopes the girls enjoy themselves, have a good time, and also get their tits out (/”are confident with their bodies”). Gavbot leads them in to their studio, where they meet Michelle, who is an art-teacher who is loving every minute of this, and constantly has her neck tensed out to tortoise o’clock. She explains to the girls that they will pair off, and take turns at being drawn and being the “artist”. Whoever does the best picture will get a chance to draw Gavbot in the (not quite) altogether.

Our pairings for the lesson are Georgie & Carrianne, Morgan & Angharad, Zivile & Ola, and Nickie & April. I am very disappointed they’ve kept Nickie and Zivile apart, although I guess you have to give April someone who isn’t going to destroy her self-esteem right off the bat. That’s for next week. Zivile sing-songs merrily that she loves drawing, but she’s not very good at it, and Georgie apologises to Carianne in advance. I feel like everyone should do that before every interaction with Carrianne, just to keep themselves safe. She tells the camera that she’s crap at drawing, and her picture will probably ultimately end up being a stick-person with boobs. So, fairly accurate then. She begins drawing and already within 5 seconds she’s proclaiming merrily to Carrianne that she’s got no head and three arms with claws at the end. And a vagina with teeth. Probably. Carrianne fumes aimlessly. Gavbot giggles that he wants to see how Carrianne draws Georgie in return. Possibly on fire under a heading of “BURN BITCH BURN”?

Morgan’s work is next to be judged, and Gavbot worries that she might have upset Angharad by drawing her “curvy” (ie thin). If anything Morgan’s uncurvied her by taking a decent amount off her boobs. Gavbot reassures Angharad that she looks better in real life. Angharad appears not to give a quack. Zivile appears to have drawn Ola with her face melted off, and Gavbot compliments April on giving Nickie a nice hand. April ponders of Gabot is being sarcastic. As we all do, most of the time. I think mostly it’s just trapped wind.

PAINTING REVEAL! Carrianne complains that Georgie’s drawing makes her look like a monster. So, again, fairly accurate then? Carrianne then giggles that she’s going to draw Georgie as a big fat blob. By Gavbot’s standards, that appears to be drawing her as though there’s anything inside her other than bone and ash.

The girls change round now, and the shoe is on the other foot. Nickie’s drawing of April looks a bit like Audrey From Little Shop Of Horrors. Angharad’s drawing of Morgan is suffering for the fact that Morgan has plonked herself such that you can see very little of her other than her enormous boobs. Gavbot informs Angharad solemnly that she too, has made Morgan too curvy. I think Gavbot has a very special type of body dysmorphia that applies solely to charcoal drawings. Ola draws a rudimentary bra onto Zivile, and Gavbot goes wild for it. He’s no Brial Sewell, it has to be said. Carianne’s picture of Georgie, predictably, looks like Blobfish Hitler. In interview Gavbot expresses “surprise” that Carrianne gave up trying half-way through the drawing and tried to make Georgie look as rubbish as possible, even in his dopey haze unable to keep up the pretence that she’s being kept around for anything other than the LOLs.

It’s no time for Gavbot to judge the finished art-works, with Michelle. Michelle mostly just potters around grinning that she’s on the telly. In the end, Gavbot decides that he likes Morgan’s and Ola’s artworks the best, along with April’s, because it is tidy. Just like Rembrandt. He goes outside and informs the girls of his decision, and furthermore, the one who’s going to get to see the Gav-Jewels in person, is…GOINGTOFINDOUTAFTERTHEBREAK.

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After I ponder how much of Crazy Stupid Love I’d put up with for the bit where Ryan Gosling waggles his penis in Steve Carrell’s face (probably just that bit. On a loop), we found out that advancing to the next round of Britain’s Next Top Nudey Artist is…Ola! She does a very tiny dance with her champagne, but otherwise is non-plussed. Gavbot leads her off so that she can wait for him to get changed.

Into a towel?! What a swizz! I mean, I only really wanted to see in order to find out if he is in fact smooth like a Ken doll down there, but still. He plonks himself down on a bench, swigs from his glass of champagne, and asks Ola if this position is alright for her. How she doesn’t grunt “no, get your cock out, ya big pansy” is beyond me. Instead she just giggles and says it’s fine. Boo! This is not the Ola I have come to know and appreciate. In interview she worries that she’s going to get a fit of the giggles at Gavbot’s nudey nakedness and make him feel emasculated. Here’s hoping.

Whilst Ola gets to sketching, outside Nickie delivers my favourite interview of this, or any other episode, which I will transcribe verbatim :

“She’s one hell of a lucky lady. Is he naked in there? He is NAKED in’t he? OOOOH NOOOOO he’s so NAKED in’t he? Oh my god, he’s got fruit over his woo-woo! *makes pinkie finger sign* *CACKLES*”


Meanwhile inside, Ola is not talking about Gavin’s pinkie-finger sized woo-woo, oddly enough, and is instead asking him if he’s a big old man-slut. It’s barely more appropriate. Gavbot says that he was from the age of 18 to 22, but then Charlotte Church chopped his genitals off with a lawnmower so no more of that. Also, isn’t sex always better when there’s feelings involved? Ola agrees that sex is indeed better when there’s feelings involved and you don’t have to drug them beforehand. Gavbot continues pontificating about how he’s not interested in going back down the route of anonymous, unfeeling sex with, say 25?, near-strangers, which is of course why he’s doing this show. Ola continues probing, saying that for someone who is interested in a meaningful emotional relationship with someone who is his intellectual and spiritual equal, he sure was quick to ram his tongue down Carrianne’s throat like he’d lost his car-keys down there. Gavbot replies that that “just happened”.

He then starts squinting meaningfully at Ola saying that he thinks he needs to try snogging with all the girls in the house just to see if there’s that intimate connection there. Ola is less willing to take up the bait than a wily old catfish, and her lips remain untainted by the oil of Gavbot. Instead she shows him her photo, which looks a bit like the contents of a deli counter. Gavbot is unimpressed, and worries this is in fact how he appears to the rest of the world divested of clothing. After all, Ola just won an award for her drawing, so this must be accurate. They do a lot of awkward joking about how everyone can nearly see Gavbot’s penis, and Ola “confesses” in interview that she’s starting to get a crush on Gavbot. She so isn’t.

Outside Nickie, back in her natural position, perched atop Zivile, tries to get Ola to spill about seeing the full Gavbot experience. Ola is very demure, and makes pointed comments about how Gavbot is very much not shy. Meanwhile Gavbot interviews that he finds Ola really good company, but he’s a bit disappointed she didn’t offer her mouth for closer inspection when requested (/”not sure if there’s the next level of intimacy there”).

Next day again now, and Morgan is delivering the next Gavmail, saying the next date will be viewing beautiful things in “Saint” Tropez. Oh Morgan. This date with be for Layla alone. Layla acts surprised, as though she wasn’t the only person left without something to do this week. Everyone gasps and sighs “jealous” and Layla proclaims herself to feel sick. Jesus Layla, you’ve been here a month and all you’ve done is told him you were shy right at the very beginning. Step your GAME UP girl. She further worries that she’s going to have to wear a bikini. ON THIS SHOW? She interview that she’s really nervous but looking forward to the date anyway, because if she gets a rose, then at least she won’t have to do that ceremony rubbish.

Layla hurries off to get changed, and walks out to the deck in an incredibly ugly lavender blue formless prayer-nightie, looking a tanned up Mary Hopkin. She asks Zivile if she can paint her nails for her, as Carianne BELLOWS “LAYLA, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WEAR THAT DRESS ARE YOU?” from the other side of the pool. Layla asks why not, and Carianne bellows back (after some crap about wedges, what am I a girl?) that she doesn’t like it. In interview Keshia is appalled that Carrianne is so insensitive on Layla’s special date day but…someone had to say it. All the other girls crowd around a rapidly deflating Layla giving her gold-standard accessory/what shoes you wearin’? girl talk to try to boost her back up again. Layla meanwhile just says that she now feels like shit, over and over again.

Inside Angharad says that she doesn’t know what all this bitching and jealousy is, but she doesn’t like it. You might want to try a bit Angharad, I forget who you are every time you’re not on camera. Having said this, I bet she wins. She is Welsh after all. She doesn’t know if Carrianne meant to be rude (is it a day of the week with “day” in it?)but Layla got most upset. So upset that has in fact changed into a yellow floral top and white hotpants, and looks 150% better at least. I really think Carrianne needs to be the stylist on This Morning, in a segment called “What You Wearing That For, You Fat Bitch?”.

Anyway, Layla is crying to Morgan about how insecure she feels after what Carrianne said, and as Morgan is basically Carriane’s horcrux, so Carrianne trots up to say she didn’t mean to make Layla feel that way, she just thought the other dress looked so much better, you look great now blah blah blah I feel like I’m back at University. Carrianne rolls her eyes at Layla as she walks off and moans that she has somehow dropped herself in it again somehow, how did that happen? Maybe not yell at someone on national television(/Channel 5) that they look like shit? Anyway outside Carrianne says that Layla looked like she was going off to pray (as we’ve established, Carrianne being very averse to any other woman than her on this show getting down on their knees), in a nightdress. She was doing her a favour. (*shrug*)

Gavbot turns up looking like the Matalan catalogue in order to pick Layla up. You will be unsurprised to learn that she has changed outfit a second time. Bored Voiceover Man informs us that, as this is a Solo Date, Layla is either getting her rose now, or going home. THERE IS NO IN-BETWEEN. Gavbot compliments her on her beautiful dress, entirely unprompted by the producers I’m sure, as Carrianne continues sunning herself and squeaking about how jealous she is, especially as Layla is such a “fret”, as she is both pretty AND good-looking. She’s a double threat!

Gavbot and Layla embark onto the gavamaran, to be whisked off to St Tropez with a bucket of champagne. Gavbot explains to camera that he’s still not entirely sure which one Layla is, so this will be nice. The first thing he asks her in person is why she’s doing this show when, you know, she wrote all the Ibiza songs. Layla freezes, clearly knowing she can’t say “my agent suggested it”, and Gavbot pushes her on the topic of her long-term relationship she told him about, the last time they spoke, four years ago, and she replies that it finished last year, and lasted 6 years. It was also with someone “in the public eye”. Oh come on and just say it was Simon from Blue, he’s probably guessed SOMEONE of that ilk, it’s not as though he thinks it’s Ed Milliband is it?

She says that she doesn’t want to be single, as it’s not her style (although as we’ve established, what are her style are ugly ill-fitting children’s nightwear), and what would be nicer than finding a guy in the South Of France? Ice-cream? Gavbot interviews that he was worried that Layla might still be hung up on her famous ex (he has a famous ex as well, did he vaguely darkly hint at this at any point?) but she seems to be over it, so now he can move forward happily, knowing he’s not going to be forever living, second Mrs De Winter style in the shadow of Simon From Blue. Layla interviews also that it’s going really well, but she really feels like their chemistry so far is more mate-y than sexual, so she might have to up her game a little. Yeah Layla, flop one out, or you’re not getting a rose.

Disembarked from the gavamaran, Layla and Gavbot walk around the port of St Stropez, and stop off at an ice-cream parlour. Gavbot creaks out “I’m gonna give it the old Jew Voodray” to the poor man behind the counter, and then just starts jabbing at the glass with his finger. He gets a red one, and Layla gets a green one. Ice-cream I mean. Layla gushes at Gavbot’s mighty command of French, as they both walk off licking away. At their ice-creams.

Meanwhile back at Gavbot Mansions, Morgan, Ola and Carrianne have convened on the sun-loungers to talk about Layla. Ola grunts that Layla never talks in the group-dates, so it’s a good thing for her she’s getting this opportunity. Morgan continues to misery saying that she’s played the game well then being all INTRIGUING, whereas Morgan has probably been a bit too quiet. Carrianne just stares at her own reflection in a miniature hand-mirror.

Back in St Tropez, Layla and Gavbot share a coffee and Layla squeaks about how glad she is to be in St Tropez! Again! They get back on the Gavamaran, and he tells her what a lovely day they’ve had. Oh and he’s picked out an outfit he wants her to wear for the pro-rose ceremony cocktail party. Jesus Gavbot, Vertigo much? Honestly he gets more and more like a serial killer every week. Layla squeaks that Gavbot obviously knows her style, even though the dress is some boring Minnie Mouse looking number that looks like it cost about a £5 in Primark, and rushes off to get changed for the fiftieth time today. So submitted to Gavbot’s will, of course she’s getting her Solo Date rose. Hooray! Gavbot feels like he’s getting feelings for Layla that he hasn’t had for anyone in a while, Layla says she’s had one of the most wonderful days of her life blah blah blah.

Back at Gavbot Mansions meanwhile, everyone is preparing themselves for the Rose Ceremony. Georgie applies foundation and worries that she’s one of the girls that Gavbot just sees as a friend. Ola adjusts her boobs and thinks she’s probably safe because she didn’t make a tit of herself whilst drawing Gavbot in the nud, sadly unaware that he wanted her to submit her gob to his tender mercies. Morgan and Carrianne stare out at the gavamaran with Morgan grunting that Layla and are probably having SEX or at least kissing because that’s apparently the big TREND now, it’s probably TRENDING on TWITTER and everything. If Carrianne does shank Morgan in the back in the next episode I can see why, because at least Carrianne has a bit of joie de vivre about her bitchwittery.

Eventually Gavbot and Layla arrive back at Gavbot Mansions, and Nickie yells “LOVING THE OUTFIT!” as they approach. Not sure to who. Carrianne meanwhile interviews that Layla is well acting like she’s won the whole show, but she’s wrong, because Carrianne can see the way that Gavbot looks at her, and he still wants her. He might actually be wondering why you’ve come as a can of tomato soup Carrianne, but hey ho. Gavbot meanwhile is wallowing some more in how difficult this is for him personally, and Ola has suddenly decided she isn’t as safe as thought. Only 50% safe now she is. Angharad and Morgan are also a bit worried. Nickie sadly doesn’t say anything more about Gavbot’s fruit-covered woo-woo.

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After I get horrid flashbacks to Nutella tiramisu, it’s TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY! Gavbot informs them that Gavbot Mansions is due a fumigating, so any of the surviving girls from this round will just have to decamp with him to Italy. What a shame. Layla and Keshia are both already safe, and joining them are :

Carrianne (because she is unbelievably beautiful)
April (because he was attracted to her from the first time he saw her)
Zivile (because she is mysterious)
Nickie (choosing to mimic Laura’s “DON’T LEAVE ME TIL THE END!” tactics which is…probably not wise)

This leaves Morgan and Ola left to wait on who is getting the final rose. Both try on their best resigned smirks, but in the end Morgan wins, because Ola wouldn’t put out, or realise she was supposed to and…well…let’s face it…Morgan probably will. Ola demands a group hug from her girls and tells everyone that she’ll miss them all. She says that she respects Gavbot’s decision, and understands she’s not the easiest girl to handle, and gives him a hug on the way out. I will miss her realness, although her leaving does tally with my prediction that all the black women would follow everyone over 25 immediately out the door. Such are the ways of The Bachelor.


7 thoughts on “The Bachelor – Episode 4

  1. Louise

    Loved this episode – it has converted me completely to Nickie, probably just in time to see her leave as she doesn’t seem to be taking it as seriously as some.

    Bitchiness aside, the fact that Gavbot can keep choosing some one with the voice of Carianne is a mystery to me. Did Charlotte do something to his hearing?

    Can’t wait for next week’s episode – the look of confusion on the Gavbot’s face at dealing with manipulative women is priceless!

  2. dalidebarthez

    Just out of interest, were you waiting for Gav and Layla to call each other “Scottie” and “Madeleine”?

    Still rooting for Zivile (sticking up for a fellow virgin can’t hurt). But I am starting to think that Angharad might make it very far by sneaking under the radar all the time.

    x Jilly

    1. monkseal Post author

      I like to hope they weren’t under-edit a winner quite as much as they have Angharad, because the rest of the editing has been AMAZE, but it’s still Channel 5.


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