The Bachelor – Episode 3

It is not without an air of irony that I inform you that this episode was delayed because I was at a wedding.

Welcome back to the South of France (I was hoping that I would be able to be all smuggity smug here about being delayed recapping the next episode because I’d actually be THERE, but apparently it’s been shuffled out the way for Big Brother) where Aaaaleeeeah is currently asking the guy driving her to the airport if he maybe wants to propose for her, you know, AS A LAUGH, it’s not legally binding or anything. The girls who remain on the other hand are going about their usual poolside routine of slathering themselves with tanning oil and lounging round next to the pool. One girl in particular is doing a great impersonation of a very glam corpse, with her head lolling off her sun-lonuger and her bikini wedged halfway up her bum. The male player in this drama? Is reminding us that he really wants to get married (again) some day, and this is how he’s going about doing it. One of these girls might be the one or…you know, a couple of them. It’s such a shame that Big Love has been cancelled, because that would have been an amazing cameo.

Bored Voiceover Man reminds us of how the show works (/”works”) just as the first of the date-cards drops through the door, to be picked up by Cruise-Ship Georgie. Who apparently has a tattoo of a rose on her foot. Or it could be Winnie The Pooh or a couple of rusty American Civil War muskets. (Damn Yankees!) The quality’s not GREAT. She reads it, with a real “let’s all have fun at karaoke tonight ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to start you all off with Lady by Kenny Rogers!” tone to her voice. Apparently love should be like a fine wine (ie drunk) and mature with age and let’s all blah blah wine puns blah. There’s a little sub-legend at the top saying “Two girls, one rose”. Oh, so we’re on THOSE dates already. God bless you Richard Desmond. Remember to put plastic sheeting down girls.

What this ACTUALLY means (fortunately for the status of my breakfast) is that two girls will compete in a DATING DUEL OF DEATH, with the winner getting a rose, and the other getting sent home. Georgie announces that the combatants are to be Squeaky Carianne and Scouse Danielle. I kind of hope the duel is with knives or police-batons or semi-automatic weapons. Any of the above. Will be fine. Carianne immediately turns to Drag-Queen Georgie and starts saying that she doesn’t want to be a bitch (?!) but she might have to be to get rid of Danielle. I wouldn’t worry Carianne, the only people who know who Danielle are at this point are those of us who were sad enough to make a spreadsheet.

Both girls retreat to their room to pack their suitcases (Danielle’s is pink leopardprint, making her the very CORE of what this show is about) and hold councils of war. Danielle is gently assisted by Eternal Victim April, who is serenely helping her pick up her bikini tops, whilst in Carianne’s corner, sat glowering on the bed shooting bitch-faces in knee high furry boots, is Bitch-Queen Laura. And I may have complaineded about Laura, but between her and April, I know who I’d rather have in my corner in a punch-up. Danielle congratulates herself on having a more-laid back personality than Carianne (People with a more laid-back personality than Carianne : Sharon Osbourne, Gordon Brown, the Tasmanian Devil, Jim Carrey as The Mask), whilst Carianne frets that whilst she has Danielle beat on “looks and body” she doesn’t know about personality. Laura reassures her that her personality is much…more than Danielle’s. She’s really SMART as well! Show that side Carianne! Yeah, that’s a bonus on this show. Whip out your PhD in astrophysics Carianne (presumably obtained from a Bond Film) and stand well back.

As Carianne and Danielle head off to their date (in the same car), the girls back at Gavbot Mansion all discuss who they think is going to win the duel date, as they tuck into their Continental breakfast of chips. Georgie thinks Danielle is going to win, and Sporty Keshia agrees, stating that she’s 100% genuine. In the background Romantic Carrie smirks into her gloppy tomato, although I can’t tell if this smirk is an implied burn on Danielle or Carianne. Or the gloppy tomato. Laura on the other hand is fighting Carianne’s corner. What a wingman. Gavbot meanwhile is pondering aloud about whether Danielle is finally going to come out of her shell, and if there’s anything more substantial to Carianne than just silliness and giggles. (Tonight on Question Time…)

Bored Voiceover Man tells us that this date has Glamour written all over it. Are they sponsoring it? Gavbot descends from a helicopter, wearing Aviators, a pink shirt, and denim shorts, which is…quite the combination. If you want to look like you’re teaming up with Johnny Anglais. He welcomes the girls aboard his chopper (what? Just one joke. You had to be expecting it) and it takes off. Ah squeal, helicopter squeal, save me Gavbot I’m so vulnerable squeal etc etc. Once in the air, of course, the squealing vulnerability is instantly stripped away, and Danielle is right in Gavbot’s ear talking about, I’m fairly sure, literally nothing. Meanwhile Carianne gazes out of the window looking sick. She bitches in interview that she felt like saying “Danielle? DO ONE!” because she wouldn’t shut up. It’s those kind of witty kiss-off lines that could actually make Carianne a nuclear physicist Bond Girl. You can just imagine Bond himself saying it as he pushes a villain out of a helicopter. Oi! Blofeld! DO ONE! *shove*

The helicopter lands in a French vineyard, where they’ll all be getting twatted on Morrisons Bargain Bin plonk that the producers are going to pretend belongs to this particularly winery. Once this is done, Gavbot will invite his chosen girl to a romantic picnic under a tree, before they have to run off because it looks like the owners might be coming back. Scatter! But first… a wine-tasting! Have you ever seen a wine-tasting on tv that wasn’t effing boring? This one’s no different. It’s a shame it’s not being done by Jilly Goolden, because at least then I could imagine Carrianne going “Oi! Goolden! DO ONE!” before dashing her in the face with a Chardonney and kicking her in the crotch.

Meanwhile, back at Gavbot Mansions, Keshia is bombing in the pool. This is what happens when you don’t put a sign up. I presume Layla’s running, Ola’s ducking April, and Nickie and Zivile are doing some heavy petting. So many pool rules being flouted! Laura meanwhile is interviewing that she’s really starting to fancy Gavbot. She’d definitely kiss him. At least once! So long as they guaranteed that they got it on camera. She’s happy to do another take if they didn’t! Carrie at the same time is chatting away to Zivile about how everyone (including dead people and the Pope) knows that she has really deep feeling for Gavbot but she’s still waiting for that moment. You know, where they make eye contact, or he talks to her, or he remembers what her name is without having to be shown a laminated head-shot. THEN THE SPARKS WILL REALLY FLY!

Back at the wine-tasting, Carianne is showing off her smarts, as suggested by Laura, by detecting duity notes of pineapple and blackcurrant in the wines. Juliette Binoche’s mum, who is chairing the wine-tasting, nods along going “yes yes” and wondering when she’s getting paid. Once it’s done, Gavbot, clearly sloshed, says that this *hic* is the best date he’s had by far and he’s really struggling to work out which of these four girls he’s going to vote off the expedition. So he takes them aside, plonks them down on a wall (with more wine, natch) and decides to talk at them some more.

Carianne’s first, and Gavin tells her that he doesn’t really do the dating scene back home, and Carianne squeaks back that neither does she. I think it might be more that the dating scene doesn’t do Carianne. We then move on to what Carianne does in her day job as a model. Carianne tells Gavbot that she is a “commercial model”, and Gavbot’s spines stick right up as he side-eyes “not…glamourmodelling?”. Carianne squirms and says that yes she has done glamour modelling, and Gavbot presses further with my favourite line of the episode : “Does that consist of top-off stuff though?”. The fact that this is being sound-tracked by the standard Gavbotcheler twinkly “romantic” piano music is even better. Carianne says that it does, yeah, she has done Page 3, but modelling isn’t really what she’d be doing ideally. She’d be working on a cold fusion engine or something. But what other job can you do where you work for an hour and get paid £500?

NOBODY ANSWER THEN!

Gavbot grumbles all pre-post-feminist about how if he was in the real world and found out a girl was a glamour model, he’d run a mile. Ok, a) anyone want to speculate what sort of modelling Morgan does?, b) do you think, if it were tastefully done, Gavbot would consider keeping his clothes on for a photoshoot? Anyway, Carianne grumbles in interview that Gavbot obviously wants to be put off by the fact that she’s a page 3 model, but if he is, then so be it. She’ll just say “SEE YOU LATER!”. I bet she won’t. I bet it will have WAY more swears in than that.

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After we finish pondering the statement “I Don’t Know How She Does It” (the “It” presumably being “make the same film over and over and over again”), we are plunged back into the vineyard, and Gavin’s side-session with Danielle. She and Gavbot are curled up under a tree, and she’s talking Bachelor generica about how she likes to try new things and push herself and step outside her comfort zone etc etc. Gavbot in reply comes PERILOUSLY close to saying “I feel like I’ve lived my life like, what I’d call, an international popstar”. PERILOUSLY. This is a segue into a question about whether Danielle can handle his very deep and very real commitment to avoiding playing rugby. Could she deal with his avoiding playing rugby commitments? Could she pretend to the Welsh National Rugby Coach that he had a really bad bout of flu over the phone, as he practices eating witchity grubs in the back-garden wearing a blindfold? Could she handle it?! Danielle promises to be totally flexible in helping Gavbot avoid playing rugby. She’ll even tan up, turn up to the first of training for the season and pretend to BE him if necessary. That’ll work. She says all this whilst making eye-contact with some tree in the next field.

Gavbot interviews that he really likes Danielle, just in time for Danielle to launch into a chorus of this, except with “Carianne” replacing the words “Kyle’s Mom”. And also a few more “bitch”s in there. I think Danielle might be taking the whole “competitive” part of this date a bit too seriously. Anyway, she calls Carianne an aggressive fake blah blah etc etc. This pretty effectively winds up the date, and Carianne starts doing a happy dance on the side, as her date lasted SO MUCH LONGER. Yeah Carianne, mostly because it took you about half an hour to get round to admitting you did tits-out modelling.

Carianne and Danielle convene on a fountain at the winery, as Gavbot rounds the corner holding a rose. Amazingly, as he hoves into view, Carianne gives Danielle a MASSIVE fake shoulder-hug of solidarity and whispers “you’ll be safe”. Danielle looks mortified. It’s amazing. Gavbot blares to them both about how amazing the date has been. Both girls agree – Carianne sounds less than convinced. Gavbot says that both dates were nice, but it felt like one girl was just giving him the answers that he wanted to hear, rather than the truth. Well, that’s Danielle screwed then. Indeed, Gavbot’s rose is being given to Carianne, and they start very classily making-out right next to Danielle. Who just wrinkles up her nose a bit at the tackiness of it all. Gavbot then turns to her, and says he’s very sorry, and Danielle lies that she understands that it must have been really hard for him. As Carianne sticks her middle finger up at her behind Gavbot’s back. I’m not even exaggerating, that’s what she does. Or at least looks like she does. Excellent.

In interview Carianne crows “SEE YOU LATER BITCH!”, downs more wine, and starts singing “Another One Bites The Dust”. She is growing on me, it has to be said. Meanwhile Gavbot is admitting that Danielle slagging off Carianne in interview was also a large part of why he got rid of her. He really doesn’t like that sort of thing. Which is a shame, because I can imagine the producers really do. Danielle’s last interview meanwhile is saying that Carianne is a bitch and she hopes that she gets kicked out next. Which is a note to leave on I guess, as Carianne giggles and sniffs her wose and cries.

To Carianne and Gavbot’s picnic now then, as her reward for winning this Battle To The Death. Hilariously, Bored Voiceover Guy introduces this segment as “with the awkward bit out of the way”. If only. Once they’re sat down, under a tree, in the moonlight, Carianne is right on to pecking at his mouth and nuzzling into his shoulder, until Gavbot tells her to calm down, and they both sit there talking about how amazing Carianne’s personality is. He loves the way she talks really fast – he finds it really endearing. I guess it does make it harder to pick individual words and phrases and meanings out. This brief paean to Carianne’s amazing personality over, they suck face for the next half hour. Gavbot is very keen for us to know that Carianne initiated this.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, everyone’s discussing who’s going to win the dual-date. Once again. Not that conversation is running dry in Gavbot Mansions or anything. Layla thinks Carianne’s going to be victorious, Keshia and Georgie still think Danielle, as does Single-Mum Nickie. Carrie can’t quite make her mind up. An anonymous bouncer turns up, and builds his part utterly before removing Danielle’s bags. The girls all squeal and scream and get excited, before Nickie breaks down crying, and then Carrie and April both pile on her like a human womb. Laura interviews that there’s a big divide in the house, and all the people on Danielle’s side are flipping the fuck out because they got over-confident. Nickie has a grizzle that Gavbot has chosen mental “tells it like it is” Carianne (“Tells it like it is” used in its correct form there – as an insult) over “girl next door” Danielle. Anyway, Laura has decided to take this as a sign that he’s not getting rid of all the models and…good looking chicks. *thumbs up*. I’d love to speculate what that gap was originally going to be filled by. I’m guessing “people deliberately acting the goat for the cameras”.

So I’m guessing the divide is April, Danielle, Georgie, Keshia, Nickie and Zivile vs Carianne, Laura, Layla, Morgan and Ola. Just as a guess. With Carrie sat in her tower mooning out the window like Rapunzel sticking pins in voodoo dolls of them all. No idea where Angharad fits. Or if indeed she still exists.

Back at the vineyard, Gavbot asks Carianne if she wants to try some of the picnic. Carianne takes “picnic” to mean “cock”, and they resume sucking face. Gavbot says that he feels really attracted to her, and he’s really glad to have picked her, because to feel these feelings is amazing. And by “feelings”, he means “tits”.

The sun sets over Gavbot’s vineyard wank.

Next morning now, and Carianne is crowing to a crowd of April, Nickie, and Morgan about what an amazing kisser Gavbot is WITH TONGUES AND EVERYFIN. Nickie grits her teeth and smiles, wondering if she shouldn’t have offered Gavbot a blowie on the Wurlitzer last week if this is what he’s in to. Morgan then retreats to the pool, where she finds Laura, and they have a good natter about how Gavbot needs to see the three of them (Morgan, Laura and Carianne) together, to see how fun and spontaneous they are. To look at, he probably thinks they’re really pretentious (?) and stuck-up, but when you get to know them, they’re REALLY down to earth. Pretty much all of these girls are forgetting that only one of them can win yes?

Anyway, it’s time for the second date of the week now, and Layla comes mincing up to the pool with a date-card squealing “GAV-MAIL!”. So yeah…she watches a Top Model franchise then. And will probably shortly be competing in one as well. She squeaks that the art of seduction has its roots in French history, so they’re off to a museum of French archaology! Not really, they’re all just going to dance around in their pants. Bored Voiceover Man reveals that this date is because Gavbot is wondering how some of the more reserved girls react to pressure and scrutiny (/how they look in their pants). And this date is for Angharad, April, Georgie, Keshia, and Layla. Keshia in particular looks mortified. Everyone quickly works out that this is going to be a burlesque challenge, to which Ola grunts “IS BURLESK FFFRENCH?” Bless her heart.

Gavbot lies that this challenge is to see how confident some of the quieter girls are. Yeah yeah Gavbot. Meanwhile back at the house, Keshia sits Georgie down on the house steps and moans that she can’t dance or sing and she’s going to look ridiculous in underwear. April meanwhile is worrying to Nickie and saying that she hopes she doesn’t get really nervous and start crying on stage mid-strip or anything like that. She’s a bad enough dancer as it is.

The poor shy girls are rounded up and sent off to St Tropez, where they all get sold into white slav…where they get a lesson in the ancient and noble art of burlesque. That is, someone who looks a bit like Anastasija from Britain’s Next Top Model comes and grinds at them a bit and then takes her sock off, like DEAD SEDUCTIVELY THOUGH, and twirls it around a bit. April wonders aloud if they might have to dance for Gavbot. Maybe April. Just maybe. I hope Gavbot joins in and does that whole Dita Von Teese Giant Martini Glass bit. After the girl has finished demonstrating her wares, she sits down with the shy girls and tells them all her name is Mimi Valentine, and she’s a French burlesque performer. Angharad looks like all her lights have gone out at once. Quick, someone stick another coin in the back of her head.

Mimi Valentine tells them that the really important part of a burlesque striptease is the “tease” rather than the “strip”. This is all very well for Mimi Valentine, who pretty much walked onto the stage in a bra and knickers to begin with. When you’re working in an M & S sundress and stilettos, you are going to probably going to have to do some actual stripping. Anyway, Mimi takes the girls through all their moves on the stage, and it looks very Boot-Camp girlband. Which Layla should probably be familiar with. She’s probably remembering the days when Louis Wals…Brian Friedm…Simon Co…erm…Dermot O’Le…no I’m stuck. Someone probably made them strip off for their sexual gratification is what I’m saying. A producer?

Meanwhile in interview Gavbot is still chuntering on, justifying how intriguing this task is and how much insight it’s going to give him into the girls personalities. Whatever Gavbot. This is Vincent Gallo levels of “my art justifies this lengthy 5 minute shot of me showing off my big ol wang and getting a blowy from Chloe Seveigny” levels of pretentious denial now. Anyway, he has decided that Keshia is full of herself, but the other girls in the group seem really shy, so he’s interested to see how they get on, particularly April. BOO! Don’t waste an enforced stripping on a confident girl like Keshia Gavbot! You could have made the single mum do it! Or the virgin!

Remember how April cried about this whole show reminding of her of when someone stole her pencil sharpener at school? Yeah, we recap that.

Back at Gavbot Mansions, Ola is speaking in tongues to the confident girls. Turns out it’s supposed to be Welsh. Or she’s choking on a peanur. It’s the third date card! It’s inviting them all to an evening of Welsh delights at Gavbot’s villa. Every week I’m hoping Charlotte Church is going to turn up, and I have to admit, this was that point this week. Anyway, Ola announces that all the confident girls (minus Carianne) will be going on this date. This causes Carianne to whinge that she’s now feeling used, because Gavbot spoke to her “for a minute” yesterday (might have been easier for him to speak without your tongue tickling his uvula Carianne), and has now moved on to other girls. At THIS point you’re feeling used Carianne? I guess nuclear physicists aren’t known for their social prowess.

But first, the stripping! Backstage, Keshia is still panicking that all this stripping malarkey SO isn’t her, as all the other girls mill around working out which props to use and so on. Layla tells the camera she’s really nervous about doing this, but the plan is to just get on with it. In the audience, Gavbot awaits and, in a moment of quiet irony, checks that his shirt isn’t too far open. OH GAVBOT.

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After I wonder just how incesty Jedward photoshoots can get before social services are called in, we are plunged straight back into the middle of the St Tropez striptease action. First up competing for the pre-ceremony rose on offer for being the best gusset-flasher, is Layla. She grinds her bum up against the wall like a dog with worms, grinds her boa, and swishes about a bit. She then gets bored, picks up a 1920s prop phone, and goes CALL ME! like an Edwardian sex-line. Gavbot gushes in interview about how sexual the whole thing was. I hate to think that it’s all downhill from here but…

Angharad is next, and she twitches her hips around like they’re possessed by Pazuzu, whilst fanning herself with feathers. I’m worried she might pop a joint out of socket. She plonks herself down on her chair and then rolls her stockings down awkwardly. Gavbot proclaims her to be the most provocative, in that she did the most actual stripping. BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT MIMI VALENTINE SAID GAVBOT!

April follows, and is worried her bum is hanging out. I’d be worried if it wasn’t quite frankly. She interviews that there is more pressure on her than ANYONE else, and then stomps around wafting herself with two fans. Quickly she descends into the audience, where Gavbot is sat on actual throne, and tickles his face with her fan-feathers. Eventually she takes some gloves off. The end. Gavbot applauds.

I’m not saying I WANT more stripping, but you get the impression that they’ve probably chosen these 5 girls because 5 seconds into this Carianne would be rolling round on the floor in the nud, fudding herself with some strawberry jelly.

Georgie follows. She marches out with a business suit on top and nothing but suspenders underneath. You can see a good 80% of her bum. She dances around like someone’s sexy mum in a Hollyoaks fantasy sequence. Gavbot’s eyes near pop out of his head and she takes a glove off with her teeth and spanks herself with it. Backstage Georgie pretty much collapses, mortified.

Keshia is last up, and comes out on stage grinning like Cilla Black, and gamely trying to be sexy with an umbrella. She rubs the umbrella up and down her arms, she opens it to dump glitter all over herself, she twirls it around…yeah. Umbrellas aren’t really the most natural sex aid. In desperation she beckons Gavbot up on stage and tells him to save her. Gavbot interviews that he was surprised that Keshia was the most nervous on stage, as she’d seemed the most confident before, but he likes that she’s shown him her vulnerable side. And her arse.

Gavbot has decided this display needs following up with an outside discussion, so he pulls her outside to have a chat on the beach. I don’t know if it’s a burlesque beach or not. I’m waiting for the strippers dancing past dressed as lobsters PROVOCATIVELY AND SEXILY removing a claw. Leaning on a wall, Gavbot tells Keshia that she seems like a fun girl but he doesn’t know if she wants a serious relationship with him. Keshia replies that messing around is in her past now, and she’s got hurt too many times now. She just wants to settle down with a nice man she can tell to fuck off, and not be happy-smiley all the time. Keshia’s approach to relationships is apparently pretty much exactly the same as mine.

Gavbot however blanches, because he’s been in a relationship before where people have talked crudely to him and put him down (*COUGH*CHARLOTTECHURCHCHARLOTTECHURCHCHARLOTTECHURCH*COUGH*) and he doesn’t really want that sort of relationship again. Bless. Keshia says she wouldn’t be crude, she would just be HONEST. They’re two different things. I would imagine after Gavbot left the 17th damp fake-tan covered towel on the living room floor, they probably wouldn’t be. Keshia interviews to the effect that that private conversation was a bigger car crash than even Aaaaleeeeah managed last week, OH WELL.

Next up for a private chat is April. Gavbot basically talks to her like this is the first time they’ve met one another. Which it may well have been. I can’t remember if April’s speed-date was just two minutes of her hyperventilating into a paper bag crying “not the hamster, not the class hamster”. They cover how April is both a fashion designer and a beauty queen, both of which Gavbot thinks are really cool. Her confidence issues are also covered. Gavbot is DISBELIEVING that she has confidence issues following that display of RAW SEXUAL ANIMALISM she just put on on stage, but April says her tiny little hands were shaking behind her stripper-fans. Anyway, she’s very glad that Gavbot erroneously thinks she’s self-confident. Hooray! Oh and she’s getting Gavbot’s rose as well, which is given to her at a small outside table. Keshia already looks like she’s anticipating a swift boot there and then for foul language.

Gavbot interviews that he really hopes that his giving her this rose will boost April’s self-confidence and really make her come out of her shell, for next week’s Double-Ended Dildo Challenge date.

Time now for the evening of Welsh delights up in Gavbot’s villa. I love the idea that Gavbot has an ever-escalating number of houses dotted around the French Riviera, and that each week the girls will receive a level-up as their EXP points increase. I hope the final is inside a CASTLE. Or better than that, a whole CITY-STATE with a giant statue of Gavbot in the middle, made out of GOLD. Anyway, Nickie is scared because she’s not been on a group-date yet, and Carrie is planning her new angle of attack. Gavbot’s seen her playful side, and her soppy side, so it’s time for her sexy side to be revealed. She’s hoping to feed her personality to Gavbot in little pipette sized drops, so he’s left wanting more each time. I hope she writes a FILTHY letter this week, and ties it to the bell of a sheep and directs it to him, or whatever Welsh delights the girls will be sampling. Maybe she’s suggestively down an entire leek in one swallow.

Morgan meanwhile is just hoping to get a word in edgewise. I date it’ll make a difference to be honest Morgan. Just stick your bum out again and make sex faces. Even in Wales they appreciate that. At the same time, Zivile is wondering whether it is right time to tell Gavbot that she is virgin. She thinks very much that her intact hymen is evidence she is here for right reasons. At the same time, Laura is talking to herself in the mirror, saying she’s not quite ready to go home yet. Well tough Laura, when your mate Carianne started flipping the bird at other contestants behind Gavbot’s back and yelling “BYE BITCH!” your necessity as a villain kind of ran out. Maybe pick your allies better next time. We get a brief montage of Laura’s power-games and “antics”. As though we could ever forget. Yadda yadda CARRY ME HENSON yadda yadda whip yadda yadda secret vulnerability zzzz. Laura closes by saying that Gavbot hasn’t “technically speaking” seen her act normally yet. But she wants him to see it one time before he sends her home.

Oops.

Anyway, it’s time for the GENUINE WELSH THEMED NIGHT. This apparently consists of a roulette wheel and some miniature Welsh flags. You can just SMELL the valleys can’t you? Oh and also an “authentic Welsh barman” to hand out cocktails which include the Catherine Zeta Jones (I don’t know the exactly ingredients, but I know it’s got something aged for 100 years inside it), the Tom Jones, the Shirley Bassey, and the Gavin Henson. Oh and Charlotte Church bitters. Gavbot giggles that he tastes amazing. Ola brays merrily at the side.

Sadly the roulette wheel isn’t even for actual gambling, it’s for a game of “Truth Or Dare”. Between the wine-tasting, the amateurish play-pretend stripping with drag-queen feather boas, and now this, I’m guessing the special theme for this week’s dates was “schoolgirls 1st sleepover”. Anywho, if the ball lands on black, it’s a dare, and if it lands on red it’s time for truth-telling. Gavbot throws first, and gets a dare, which is to be read from a card. Nickie reads it out, and tells Gavbot that he is to perform his sexiest “come to bed” look. Gavbot stands up and drops his pants and says “get on it woman”. Then he winks. OK, not really. He just looks awkward and nervous. Morgan then plays a blinder and says they should all of them do it so he doesn’t feel too awkward. Nice work Morgan.

Laura twitches around like an epileptic prostitute and starts chewing on a roulette token. Zivile demures to follow as she has never been to bed with man how would she know? Nickie saves her partner in crime from having to play by taking the next turn. She also lands on black, and as her dare has to show everyone the part of her body she is most proud of. She wiggles her bum (clothed, naturally) at everyone, whilst Ola declares that she thinks Nickie has the best ass she’s ever seen. I am growing to appreciate Ola’s presence as someone who just yells something really loud and inappropriate just out of shot every 15 minutes or so. She’d be great at parties.

Laura follows, and lands on “truth”. Oh dear. First time for everything I guess. Her question is “what’s your least favourite thing about the opposite sex?”. Her answer is “his wandering eyes…THE BASTARDS!”. Gavin’s eyes dart around like ping pong balls caught between two hairdryers. It’s Zivile’s turn next, but she sits there frowsily saying she’s going to pass her turn up. Everyone moans about what a massive party pooper she is, until Carrie picks up the ball and plonks it into the wheel. She gets “truth” and the question is “where’s the strangest place you’ve had sex?”. She says “swimming pool”, into her fist, and then passes it round to the rest of the group to answer. Now, if Laura was any sort of psycho, she’d say “on national television!” then give a knowing wink to camera and just stand back and watch the fur fly. Sadly she doesn’t, it’s “in a farmyard” (very Welsh themed…) Ola yells “IN A DOUBLE BED!”, Nickie says “in a car” and then…Zivile passes. And Gavbot subsequently passes also.

Zivile then reveals that she decided not to reveal to Gavbot that she was a virgin, because the setting didn’t feel right. Given that Laura had just confessed to doing it whilst swinging off a cow’s udders you mean? Yeah, not the best environment.

Ola reads out to the group her question “what’s your most romantic memory?”. Laura replies that her most romantic memory is when a guy told her that he loved her and wanted to marry her, and then he “fucking cheated on me”. How is that your most romantic memory Laura? Can you not go 5 seconds without making something about your issues? Anyway, Gavbot asks her if she stayed with the guy, and she says “ARE YOU KIDDING?” and makes a punching fist motion.
So that’s a “yes” then.

This all leads to Gavbot taking Laura aside for the 17th time this series, in order to really try and get to know her. Blah blah whenever she’s told a guy she likes him he’s disappeared, she really wants Gavbot to see her in daylight, chilling out, rather than all dolled up to the nines and putting an effort on all the time, blah blah blah. Gavbot tells her he’s attracted to her, and she hoots “it’s alright, most guys are!” before running off to interview in the bushes about how she’s never felt so out of her depth in her entire life, and she thinks Gavbot’s sending her home. To be fair, there’s only so many times you can have the same conversation with the same result before something’s got to give.

The moon sets.

Next day now, and it’s time for the pre-rose ceremony party. And Gavbot’s got a SURPRISE for the girls. Yes, it turns out that the barman from the night before was not in fact a barman. It was one of Gavbot’s mates! He’s now going to take all the girls aside and interview them, to decide who amongst them is worthy of being Gavbot’s wife. Carianne walks him in detail through her lengthy snog-session with Gavbot, which is of course what every best mate wants to hear about. Layla tells him about her one boyfriend, although naturally does not mention it was INTERNATIONAL POP MEGASTAR SIMON FROM BLUE. Gav’s mate talks to Laura, and is clearly absolutely petrified of her the entire time.

Meanwhile, back in the mansion, Carrie is bothering some passing cameraman about how she still feels she hasn’t had enough time with Gavbot yet, and she’s worried he’s not attracted to her. Hopefully she’ll still be here tomorrow! At the same time, Keshia has cornered Gavbot by the fireplace and is trying to make ammends for the mess she made of the burlesque date. She tries to explain that she didn’t mean “fuck off” so much as…”piss off”? Maybe? Maybe “bugger off”? Anyway, she seems fairly at peace with the idea that she and Gavbot might just be incompatible and it doesn’t mean anythnig bad about either of them, which is further than most of these girls seem to be.

(*advertisement break*)

As I too finish deciding that I would rather watch “Peanuthead” rather than any of the other films on offer in that particular advert, it’s time for the ROSE CEREMONY.

But before that, it’s time to ask the council of Jamie, Gavbot’s pretend barman friend from Wales. He likes Keshia because she is fun and positive. He thinks Carrie is really deep. Maybe a little too deep. Like bottomless pit with a bunny flying through it in a crock-pot deep. Oh and Laura’s misunderstood. Although…I don’t know if he means that Gavbot has misunderstood her, or she has misunderstood that she’s supposed to be acting like a recognisible human being…. Anyway, thanks Gavbot’s pretend barman friend Jamie.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

Already safe are duel-champion and posessor of newfound Stripper Powers April. I guess that Truth-Or-Dare date was all-round as awkward and unpleasant as it looked then. Awarded safe are :

Zivile (for her sweet nature and innocence)
Nickie (because she is stunning)
Morgan (the connection may be more physical than emotional (no shit))
Ola
Layla
Georgie
Angharad
Keshia

This leaves Carrie vs Laura as our final battle. And the rose goes to…Carrie. She gives out a little gasp and then stumbles happily towards Gavbot. Laura’s also stumbling round, albeit with a jerky body and a face of PTSD. She hugs her girls, and prepared to make a gracious exit, proving to Gavbot that underneath it all there was a sensible grounde…

Oh no wait, she’s just pulled a Johnny Rotten face and flipped the bird at him and stalked off into the night. Bye Laura.

She interviews that she came here to have her faith in men restored, and it definitely has not been. Gavbot interviews that when she swore in his face, it really showed that he’d made the right decision getting rid of her. Finally. I have faith that Carianne’s going to step things up even further to fill the void anyway. She certainly looks…inspired by Laura’s departure to follow in her footsteps. As Laura goes, she tangles herself in verbal knots forever about how she’s not what people perceive and she’s got a persona but that’s just who she is, crying and twisting up her dress into infinity. Sigh.

Maybe stop being such a dick?

18 thoughts on “The Bachelor – Episode 3

  1. Kesh

    This is theeee funniest write-up I have ever read!!! Think someone’s in line for the next voice over man. If channel 5 could afford you of course! I’m glad you got my point… Even Gavbot didn’t…

    Reply
  2. Neil K

    Wow Monky. You really are starting to pull in the celebs. First Sophie from that Dorothy/Wizard nonsense and now Kesh from the Gavbotchelor. What are the odds of Lulu posting on here during the next series of Strictly?

    I have to say this was your funniest work on the series so far. Too many hilarious, wine-spluttering moments to mention. I will now have to go and watch “Kyle’s mom is a bitch” again to continue the mirth. Thanks for the giggles.

    Reply
  3. Verns

    Thank you, Monkseal, for watching this show so I don’t have to. I enjoy your hilarious blogs far more than having to watch the bloody thing. Mind you, I did absent-mindedly catch the stripping segment this week and, once I’d found my soapbox and ranted a bit about the death of feminism (audience – one cat), have resolved to hide the remote control just in case channel-surfing lands me with this awful, awful rubbish again.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I do have to admit, the stripping bit was the first bit I’ve actually felt ashamed of watching. And that takes a LOT, as I think is fairly obvious.

      Reply
  4. Poppy

    I agree with Verns, Monkseal. Thank you for watching this great big turd of a show so I don’t have to, and thank you for making me laugh a very great deal. I really do think you should get your own column in some magazine somewhere (not sure where yet).

    Reply
    1. Misscarlet

      On the contrary, I find that your accounts are so compelling that I have to watch the show to confirm the awfulness you report. Damn you Monkseal!

      Reply
      1. Missfrankiecat

        Yeah, I’m with this camp. I hadn’t even heard of this show, much less EVER watched anything on Channel 5 before Monkseal. He has a lot to answer for.

  5. dalidebarthez

    This show needs to be on YouTube so that depraved Belgian reality show addicts like me can watch and revel in the awfulness.

    Thanks for keeping my addiction fueled. Your recaps are brilliant and you speak so much more sense than those insane forum people with their TWU WUV addictions, and their ZOMGGAVISAFITTIEANDNOTATALLAVAPIDSHELLOFAMANBOTSHADDAP! nonsense.

    As far as this shit goes, Zivile looks the most normal and genuine. Has she told Gavbot she’s a virgin yet?

    Jill(y)

    Reply

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