The Bachelor – Episode 2

Hey, wanna get married?

Ah, the French Riviera. Home to holidaymakers, models, and millionaires. And probably some normal human beings too, tucked away somewhere towards the back. Speaking of normal human beings, some cameramen are currently tracking the progress of 15 walking personality disorders, as they make their merry way towards Gavbot Mansions. Yes, they’re sleeping on hotel floors no more – it’s time for the girls to move in to Gavbot Mansions. As they walk up to the front door, and prepare their lungs for the standard bout of excited screaming that accompanies any house move on reality tv, Gavbot reminds us all that this is the perfect opportunity for him to meet the girl he’s going to spend the rest of his life with. If you mean “locked up in her dungeon” Gavbot then yes, I think you might be right.

As the girls proceed past the pool into the living room of Gavbot Mansions, Bored Voiceover Man calls it “one of the jewels of the Mediterranean”. I’m guessing the particular jewel in question being QVC Diamonique. “Songwriter” Layla gets her spring on up the stairs, but the first to throw herself on a bed screaming and thrashing around like she’s in the midst of a shark attack is Scouse Danielle. So gazumped, Layla’s not even in time to bounce around the bathroom squealing like the taps pour champagne. The honour of which goes to Sporty Keshia. Cruise-Ship Georgie proclaims the bathroom to be mint (it is green, so maybe she’s being literal and hoping to cross over into being an interior designer cum property developer, like 95% of female ex-reality contestants do in this country). But the plum “reality tv moving into a house” moment goes to Grumpy Ola, or snatches away the great big four poster bed from Psycho Laura at the very last second, then demands that all the other girls come and have look at her as she rolls around in, simulating an orgasm whilst humping a giant fluffy pillow which she’s drawn Gavin’s face on. We don’t see the last bit, but it definitely happened. Squeaky Carianne is sadly stuck in the top bunk of a particularly rusty looking wire-frame bunk bed that they’ve shoved into a corner. Poor Carianne. I’m not saying I hope she gets tetanus. Just maybe the lockjaw part…

Anyway, Carianne interviews that it’s really great for her to have to work for somebody. She don’t means getting a job, NO FEAR, she just means that normally she gets any man she wants with a click of her fingers, so having to “compete” with 24 other women is a refreshing change. She remains, as ever, a prize. Laura meanwhile, is onto the next stage of her arc of Professional Reality TV Contestant – “you’ve not seen the real me yet”. Apparently she has hidden depths that you’ll only see if you’re just with her, hanging out at home and chilling. Do you know what Laura, I’ll pass. (I actually think I would love and adore Laura in the setting of any other reality show, just maybe not one where MY GAVBOT’S HEART IS AT STAKE).

Bored Voiceover Man tells us that all of these girls will get the opportunity to “date” (/perform brief reality tv stunts) with Gavin over the coming weeks, either in a group or one-on-one. The girls will be informed of these dates by post, which I am going to be calling “G-Mail”, in honour of Britain’s Next Top Model’s “E-Mail”, referring to Elle McPherson. And maybe also periodically “She-Mail”, also in honour of America’s Next Top Model. Keshia receives this particular missive and tells the girl that on this date the girls chosen will be travelling in style, and at speed. (Yes, nothing says “style” like a zipline and a testicle-crushing harness). Gavbot hopes that the girls are ready for a “dangerously” good time. Well really, who isn’t> Girls on this date will be Ola, Anonymous Vickie, Welsh Angharad, Spacey April, Danielle, Keshia, Layla, and Georgie. The rest will just have to sit around and play Subbuteo until their G-Mail arrives.

The lucky 8 depart, to a “luxury catamaran” (WOOOoooooOOO) where Gavbot is waiting, looking like every page of the Freemans catalogue. He’s going to be taking them on a cruise. He tells the camera that there might be some girls there who he wouldn’t fancy normally, but in this environment, who knows? Any bets on whether he doesn’t choose the girl who just looks the most like Charlotte Church? Anyone? No? No takers? Anyway, Gavbot pours the champagne, the girls all sit back, and the 7 left behind all wave them off from the jetty. That’s about it. Nothing happens on the cruise. Worst Cruise ever. Someone could have pushed someone over the side, one of those left behind (Romantic Carrie or Aaaleeeaah of the Multiplying Vowels, one or the other, I wouldn’t be surprised), could have jumped off the jetty and swum to the catamaran screaming “TAKE ME WITH YOU!”, there could have been a shark attack which Gavbot could have fended off single-handed. Anything. Instead, nothing. The 7, bored by this inactivity, retreat to Gavbot Mansions pool to wait their turn.

Naturally, Aaaleeeah, Carrie and Laura choose to spend this time in the most psycho way possible, all sitting around talking about their deepest feelings for Gavin, following a red-carpet walk and one speed-date and finding out wevver he spoke FRENCH. Carrie says that already she hates her life whenever he’s not around. Aaaleeeah wants him to be her husband AND her baby-daddy. Except she says “next husband” which…you know those mannequins don’t count right Aaaleeeah? Even Laura is looking at these two like “you are insane – even the winner’s only going to get two shags and then dumped by text message”.

Anyway, back out at sea, the Gavamaran has arrived at its destination – a great big dusty rock. How romantic! Helpful Voiceover Man informs us that the girls face a gruelling climb to the top. To be fair, it looks more like a gruelling walk, but I guess we have to allow for the fact that it looks like Ola is doing this in neon pink tennis shoes, cowboy hat, and “Wild Child” vest top. Gruelling 2 minute walk up a mild incline over, the girls arrive at the top, where they find…A ZIPWIRE! DUN DUN DURRRRN! Whatever Gavbotcheler, give me bungee or go home. Angharad reacts as though instant death awaits. Ola, as usual, is unimpressed. Anyway, on the other side of the zipwire is a picnic and more booze, so if the girls want to get plastered, they’re going to have to fight for it. I feel Big Brother could take a lesson from this set up.

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After I finish writing out my adoption plan for one of the Sominex sheep, we are back to GAVBOT’S QUEST FOR LOVE! First to face the TERROR is Angharad, whilst April sits at the side worrying she’s going to shatter her shins. Given how much meat April is carrying on her bones, I’d be worrying she’d shatter her shins playing hopscotch. Anyway, minor squeaking aside, Angharad gets across fine. Gavbot looks more worried than she does, but that’s because he’s such a GENTLEMAN obviously. All the other girls watch from the side with their mouths open screaming as Angharad slides slowly down the zipline. They’d shit themselves in Avatar I’d bet. Angharad gushes to camera that she’s never done anything like that before, and she just did it to impress Gavbot. Thanks Angaharad. You’re kind of inoffensively dull, so I’ll bet you win.

Next up April. We get a random interview with her saying that she was bullied at school for the way she looked – for being underweight and ugly (which she isn’t, ba’duh) – and she carries self-esteem issues from that to this day. I’m guessing a beauty pageant reality show on Channel 5 might not be the best way to get over this issue. Just a thought. April carries herself over the ravine, with no worries, and Ola admires her guts from the side. Hooray for April.

Next to cross are Vickie (swearing like a trooper), Ola (flailing around laughing), Georgie (by this point, nobody there is pretending it’s even a little bit scary), and Keshia (almost hangs herself she throws herself off so hard). We don’t even see Danielle cross, that’s how exciting she is. Instead we see all the girls watching on from the side as Gavbot prepares to take the final swing in tandem with Layla. They all act like they’re excited by his muscles, but it’s fairly obvious that the action is in the fact that the harness is bunching his bits hard enough that you can tell what religion he is. Church Of Gavbotology for life!

For Layla & Gavbot’s joint swing, sadly storm clouds are gathering. No, Charlotte Church isn’t flying over the horizon in a helicopter to the tune of “Flight Of The Valkyries” (although hopefully in the final…) – it’s actually getting quite stormy. Layla still crows over the fact that she gets to go last, because it means by happenstance that she gets to share a harness with Gavbot. Which then gets stuck halfway across the ravine. IN THE RAIN! OH NO! Like the hero he is, Gavbot pulls himself up the rope with his powerful muscles, deftly smooths out the rope, and gets he and Layla moving again, as the sun breaks over the horizon, whilst Layla swoons helplessly and admiringly in his arms the whole time, and inspiring stirring music plays on the soundtrack.

He then complains noisily about his aching balls. Hooray for Gavbot!

Sadly, this horrific storm means that the picnic is off! Oh no! Gavbot tells the girls that these cliffs are no longer any place for a picnic (Keshia laughs horrible and fakely and clutches her stomach and…sod off Keshia), and leads them back to the boat.

Meanwhile, back at Gavbot Mansions, the Left-Behinds are also caught in the rain, and so have retreated inside to play a stirring game of “Who Am I?” with Post-It notes stuck to their foreheads with the names of famous people on them. “Hilariously”, someone has made Single Mum Nickie be Gavin Henson. Oddly enough, sitting there with a confused look on your face, pondering aloud what sort of celebrity you are, is very appropriate for pretending to be Gavbot. At the same time, Carianne has come up with her own party game – making up rude nicknames for the other girls. Ola is Ogre (good, because it rhymes), Dragon for Keshia (what?) and Troll for Layla (????). That’s like some 10 year old nicknaming skills in evidence right there. Hey Carianne, your nickname is POO!

Games over, Zivile The Lithuanian Virgin and Nickie retreat to a bedroom to sit on the floor and share secrets. As ever, I am fascinated by what happens when you get a group of 20something women and have them live together. I think it’s called “regression”. Nickie shows Zivile a picture of her son, and Zivile coos over how cute he is. Nickie worries to Zivile about how Gavbot might react, but Zivile tells Nickie that Gavbot already has two kids himself, so he should be fine with it. Nickie wonders if that might in fact might mean that he doesn’t want any more responsibilities, but Zivile says she’ll be fine. Nickie tells Zivile that she’s the only person she’s told, so Zivile responds in kind by letting Nickie in on the fact that she’s a virgin. They hug and giggle and bond.

Not going to lie, I’m kind of shipping Zivile and Nickie now. This is not to say I would not also enjoy them being deadly enemies, using these secrets against one another by…ooh say Episode 4. Either way, I’m happy.

Heading back to Gavbot Mansions meanwhile, and picnic abandoned, the 8 girls on the date are struggling to provide camera footage, or reasons for Gavbot to give one of them his obligatory Pre-Ceremony Rose. Not to worry, Georgie McDonald is on hand to serenade them into dock with a particularly loungey version of that Alesha Keys song about how amazing and humble and real she is. One of them anyway. This is apparently enough for a rose. Well done Georgie. She does have to put up with Gavbot cornering her (as much as you can corner anyone on a catamaran) and bore her rigid about the loneliness of fame though, so I guess she earned it.

The singing does remind me that I’d like a reprise of this in the finale with all the eliminated girls though plz.

Day 2 now, and all the girls are sunning themselves by the pool, and obliging with an awful lot of cleavage shots for the camera. Whilst Draggy Morgan smooshes suncream into her tits though, April is worrying she didn’t really show much of her personality on her date with Gavbot the day before. Oh April, everyone slid down a bit of rope, then the rest of the day got rained off. I doubt anyone really PIERCED GAVBOT’S INNER SOUL. Except Georgie with her Cruise-Ship singing anyway.

G-Mail arrives, intercepted by Carrie. I’m surprised she doesn’t read it to herself quietly, then announce “Gavbot would like to meet you all in a warehouse in Monaco Docks – it’s three days travel, but don’t worry girls, IT’LL BE WORTH IT KISS KISS GAVIN!”. The broad thrust of the G-Mail is that the girls are going to be participating in a fashion show on the beach. All of the models (which…is pretty much everyone isn’t it?) in the cast jump up and down cheering. Participants are Zivile, Laura (who comically chokes on a lollipop at the announcement), Morgan, Carrianne, Aaaleeeah and Carrie. Nothing for Nickie.

Sadly, the fashion-show won’t be a fashion show, and won’t be on the beach. Instead it’s a photo-shoot at the Pool in Gavbot Mansions, where currently sits a clothes-rack and Gavin, appearing to get more of an orgasm from playing with his hair than any of these girls will ever give him. Bored Voiceover Man informs us that the girls will be in charge here, selecting their own costumes and directing their own segment of the photoshoot themselves. The best self-publicist will win a rose.

We start with Laura, in a leopardprint swimsuit, hair pulled back all the way to Croydon, perched on a chair, cradling a whip. Let nobody say she doesn’t try hard. Gavbot huffs at the side, saying that Laura looks hot…but also scary. Laura screams across to him that she HOPES HE’S READY, BECAUSE SHE’S GOT A SURPRISE IN STORE FOR HIM! Is she going to act like a human being one might recognise as being from this planet? Is that the surprise?

Unfortunately, her photoshoot is not out the way first – that honour goes to Aaaleeeah, who apparently runs a modelling agency back in the UK, so this should be a doddle for her. Certainly she’s dressed herself to emphasise her best assets, as her lemon swim-suit is cut in such a fashion that the skin on display is 95% breast. And they are some boobs, let me tell you. She takes command of the shoot effortlessly and bossily, haranguing the poor photographer into position every 5 seconds. She tells the camera that, being 33 and single with no kids, she really wants to get married and up the duff asap. And she doesn’t think she’s expressed that clearly enough to Gavbot yet. Erm… I think you probably have, in that you haven’t. If you see what I mean.

Anyway, their photoshoot is hilariously awkward, with all the sexual chemistry of a wake. All the other girls sit and watch and Laura and Carianne cat-call and mutter amongst themselves about how rubbish it looks. To be fair, it REALLY does. They’re walking along holding hands and it looks like she’s teaching him road safety. She then compounds things, by suggesting that the last shot of the shoot be Gavbot proposing to her. NO! NO! ABORT! ABORT! Gavbot looks mortified and nixes the shot, and really it would have been a kindness to just eliminate her there and then. Aaaleeah wanders off and has a good cry, saying she thinks she came across looking awful there, and wonders if Gavbot might not like that level of intimacy that early on. Yeah Aaaleeah, normally I’d save the fake marriage proposals until at least the fourth date.

Carianne is next, and her photoshoot idea involves her rubbing suntan lotion into Gavbot’s back, as he looks awkward. To be fair, any photoshoot involving Gavbot is going to involve the latter part of that. Carianne crows in interview that she’s a really good flirt – really subtle and erotic and understated. We’re then treated to a shot of her sniffing Gavbot’s back and moaning “you’ve got really nice skin…REALLY nice”. Yeah, nice flirting there Buffalo Bill. What’s next? “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me.”? “It puts its lotion in my basket or else it doesn’t get the hoes again”? Carianne continues to brag about her elite flirting skills (“seductive techniques, looking techniques, body techniques”) as we see these mystic arts in action. At this point they involve rubbing his face, grinding her bum into his dick, brushing his nipples and winking. SUBTLTY THY NAME IS CARIANNE! Gavbot’s enjoying himself though.

Meanwhile Aaaleeeah is at Stage 2 of her post-proposal panic, whittering to Zivile about how she’s definitely going home now, she’s ruined it, it’s awful, oh shit, why would he choose me after that? Zivile has no answer to this. Neither do I really.

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After pondering if the Zoost ad-bumper man is going to be The Bachelor next series (I’d apply), we’re right back in the action, and Carrie’s photoshoot. To be honest, whilst Aaaleeeah’s proposal was ill-advised, I wouldn’t be surprised if Carrie turned up for her session in full bridal wear. Except that wouldn’t show off her tits, so it probably wasn’t on the rack. FOILED AGAIN! Although really, I think bikini bridalwear is the next step in wedding chic. Carianne meanwhile is continuing to show off her subtle flirting techniques in the aftermath of her shoot by rubbing her hand in her crotch moaning “oooh, I was really getting turned on”. Carrie’s photoshoot is, as you’d expect, deeply boring (lots of jumping on his back and “accidentally” falling in the pool) although she continues to chunter on in interview about all her deep special feelings for Gavbot and how quickly things are moving.

I think he might just about have learnt your name by this point Carrie. If he’s shown a flashcard with your face on.

Once she’s done she bunches her hands into fists and groans “ever since I saw him I just want to cuddle up into him and go to sleep!”. Alright Mallory Towers.

Next up is…oh joy, it’s Laura. As opposed to a surprise, what she’s actually going to do is a bondage themed shoot, which is the most predictable thing she could possibly do, given that all she’s got for this show are “power games from Mills & Boon novels”. Gavbot is tied up somewhere in the background and she vamps about for the camera making no eye contact whatsoever. Not that she’s just here for attention you understand. From the side Carianne squeaks “I don’t fink they quite look comfortable togevva!”. Carianne is proving, unexpectedly, to be a MASTER of understatement. Carianne carries on pondering if Laura might be taking things too far, as Laura stomps on Gavin’s stomach, repeatedly thrashes him with her whip, and bites his ear. Once she’s done, Gavin unhitches himself from his gimp harness (as Laura yells “RUN GAVIN RUN!” at him) and announces to the camera that he thinks Laura is “psycho-crazy”, but she’s just making it easier for him to decide to eliminate her. Like the producers will let that happen yet.

Brief gap in shooting now, so Aaaleeeah decides to pick at that scab! She bounces up to Gavbot and flaps all round him apologising for making him awkward and saying that her personality came across all wrong and that she’s really sorry she said stupid thing but she’s so nervous and she’s still open and available and she’s never heard of him before and she’s sorry and don’t rule her out yet! SHE’S STILL A VIABLE OPTION! SHE DEFINITELY WON’T PROPOSE OR DROP HER KNICKERS AND POINT AND SAY “I WANT A BABY IN HERE NOW PLEASE!”. Thank you sorry, sorry, sorry to interrupt bye. Gavbot tells her to stop stressing, whilst visibly backing away from her.

Draggy Morgan next and she goes full-bore Page 3 Stunna. It’s total glamour model stuff, and to give her her dues, she’s doing it to perfection. Lots of back-arching and tit-thrusting and cat’s bum mouth and convincing simulation of arousal. She interviews that she’s going to use every weapon in her armoury to snare him, and he interviews that he really struggled not to get a boner. Yay Gavbot! I think the very first point I fell for Gavbot on Strictly was when he didn’t talk generic male contestant preview stuff about wanting to learn to dance or worrying about being ribbed by THUH LADS, for wearing sequins, but instead just wouldn’t stop talking about the possibility of him getting a stiffy. So unique, so Gavbot.

On-set Morgan interviews that periodically she caught the sight of other contestants out of the corner of her eye, and they were staring daggers at her. Cue jump-cut to Carrie, giving really good “Evil Queen From Conan The Barbarian” face. She interviews that it’s NOT RIGHT for a guy she’s interested in to be grinding up on OTHER WOMEN. They could have something SPECIAL, and Gavbot is RUINING it. You wait until Episode 7 and the “Blowjobs In The Back Of The Gavmobile” Date Carrie.

Last up, it’s Zivile, who is going to use her amazing Virgin powers to give Gavbot the photoshoot of his life. She thinks it is so much more better when you are not showing all of your leg and breast. So she’s turned up in a lifeguard outfit that…does pretty much show off all her legs and the very definite outline of her breasts, but really it’s the prudey thought that counts. She leads Gavbot down to the rocks in the bay outside Gavbot Mansions (with a giant sewage pipe in the background), lays him down on his back, and straddles him whilst carrying a lifeguard float. I love that she thinks this is sweet and innocent. They do definitely have some physical chemistry going on though.

The other girls sit at the side and watch. Laura admires Zivile’s techniques, and proclaims her a dark horse, before beaming round at the other girls “Is Anyone Jealous?”. It’s moments like these I quite like Laura. Ish. Carrie naturally looks like murder, whilst Carianne does her usual squeaking along doing running commentary on everything anybody else is doing. Photoshoot done, Zivile and Gavin sit and talk about how it’s much better when a girl is classy and doesn’t show everything straight away, and holds some secrets (like her intact hymen) back for later discovery. Actually Zivile does most of this talking, because her English, even as a second language, is still better than Gavbot’s most of the time.

Now that all the girls have finished doing their bit, Gavbot pulls Laura aside for a kind of anti-rose giving, where he asks her what on Earth she was thinking with that domestic violence themed photoshoot. If he wanted to be repeatedly kicked in the stomach he would have stayed with Charlotte Church. Is she just doing all this to be interesting tv and to try and humiliate him? Laura plays with her hair and bullshits that she’s been oh so hurt by evil guys before and it’s left her EMOTIONALLY CONFUSED, so she’s come here so that Gavbot can renew her faith in men. Also she’s here to find herself. OF COURSE YOU ARE LAURA! Gavbot asks if he can maybe join in in this process of self-discovery, possibly by motorboating her boobs? Or is she going to carry on playing a big dumb annoying teasy immature caricature of a woman? Laura smiles weakly and pushes her eyes out to Disney and quavers her voice and says “not always…”. Gavbot is fooled (/”fooled”) utterly and interviews that he thinks Laura is really a decent person underneath and hopes that she’ll put her guard down and stop mucking about.

That smells like Redemption Arc in the air. Let’s hope that Laura has the DebraBarr savvy to carry it off.

The winner of the rose is Zivile, duh, because she’s a nice girl who doesn’t show off her boobs and her legs, except when she does. She whispers “I love roses” to him, and kisses him on the cheek. She gushes in interview that she is now in Seventh Heaven, whilst Carianne squeaks that she’s shocked by how much she cares that she didn’t get her wose. Not to make fun of her voice any more than I already do, but I am CLAPPING with glee at a whole series of her saying “wose” instead of “rose”. CLAPPING.

Back at the house now, and post-date Carianne is showing off her subtle flirting techniques all over Nickie’s boobs, and Nickie “jokingly” calls her a bitch. She’s getting worried that she’s not getting a date with Gavbot at all, and that there’s some sort of admin mix-up involving her and Anonymous Vickie. Although she has decided for her own sake that if Gavbot doesn’t take her on a date then he’s evil and she doesn’t want him. So there. Fortunately for Nickie’s sanity, the last G-Mail of the episode has arrived, and it’s for her. Angharad informs her that she’s getting a very special secret date. Woo!

We get a brief interlude now to drive home the fact that Nickie has a child, and he is called Alfie, and he is two, and he is really cute. They play around on the beach at Blackpool together, she rings him up and tells him she loves him, she frets what Gavbot might think, and maybe how Alfie might to having a new second mummy called Zivile. At the end of the interlude Nickie resolves to tell Gavbot that she has a son, and just hopes he takes it well. I wish Nickie would have had to do this revelation on a sexy photoshoot or whilst dangling on a zipware over a cliff edge. She also hopes that one day she gets to meet Gav’s two children as well. Although she does look kind of conflicted and daunted and a bit hesitant by this thought. I don’t want to bust out cod-Psychology on reality show contestants, but I think a lot of her worries about Gavin may well be projection. We shall see.

Anyway, Nickie sprays herself and does her hair, as Bored Voiceover Man fills us all in that this SOOPER-SEKRIT date is in fact all or nothing. Either Nickie is getting a pre-ceremony rose at the end of it, or she’s going home right now. PRESSURE! The Gavmobile rolls up to the front door and picks Nickie up. As soon as she’s out the door, Carrie is reeling off all the things she imagines might happen on the date whilst she’s not there to watch and disapprove. God Carrie, give it a rest.

As the Gavmobile roars through the quiet streets of the French Riviera, sadly we don’t get to hear the contents of Gavbots iPod blaring out at full volume. I wanted the Spice Girls : Greatest Hits at least. As they drive, Gavbot tells Nickie that he wants her to wear something he’s put in the glove-box for her. This is all getting a bit Cold Case for my liking. Anyway, it’s sadly not a French Maid outfit or a giant Octopus costume (because 8 hands are better than 2) – it’s just a frilly pink blindfold. This is to hide the location of their date from Nickie, which turns out to be…

an abandoned fun-fair! Woo! Next week : spooky roller-disco! Or maybe that summer camp where those sexy teens got murdered 25 years ago tonight. Ah well, at least there’s booze. Nickie reacts positively to the surprise, and uses it as an opportunity to give Gavbot a massive hug right round his neck. The editing does its best to make this lamery look as fun as possible : Gavbot wins a glittery cowboy hat for Nickie at a sideshow (bet Ola nicks it), they have a go on the Ferris Wheel and cuddle up for warmth; they ride the dodgems (you know…all both of them), Nickie rides Gavbot’s Magic Mountain. The usual fairground stuff.

This is in no way an awkward segue cum set-up for what happens next, which is that Gavbot is inspired to talk about how much his kids, which he has, who he is the father of, would love this abandoned funfair. Ruby is three, and Dexter is two. They are amazing. Kids. Aren’t they great? Taking up her cue, Nickie brings up Alfie, as she’s supposed to, and Gavbot does his Face Of Surprise. I think the real nub of why Gavbot works so well on these shows, is that his genuine real-life reactions to non-scripted things are SO stilted, that you can never tell if he’s faking for drama or not. Hence the “reality” part of the show in moments like this are preserved.

Obviously Gavbot gives Nickie a rose after this, because what sort of dick wouldn’t? At least on the tv. He really hopes this is the start of something special. Baw.

Rose-Ceremony Day now, and Bored Voiceover Man tells us that tonight, two girls will be eliminated. Only two? I was hoping for at least 5. At the very least a cull of Angharad, Vickie, and Danielle could be done fairly painlessly without anyone noticing. Safe already with their roses (and with Zivile wearing a man’s shirt, only furthering my lesbian shipmance of them both), Zivile and Nickie kick back and relax, and agree that Laura is probably leaving ’cause she’s a psycho. Laura meanwhile is hoping that Gavbot is intrigued by her, and not repulsed. Eh 50-50. At the same time, Gavbot is shaving (and leaving himself an amazing shaving-cream moustache as he does so I must add) and agonising over having to cut any of these women. He’s glad there’s going to be a pre-ceremony cocktail party, to get to know them a bit more. And for the booze. Always more booze.

Said Cocktail Party begins now, and naturally it begins with Aaaleeah jabbing her fingers into the open wound she created earlier again, some more, repeatedly, pulling Gavbot to one side and jabbering like a mental some more about how sorry she is about her behaviour and how real she is and how she wants to get to know him more. Give it up Aaaleeeah, it’s over, finished, DUNN. Meanwhile Carianne, Morgan and Vickie all stand and laugh their heads off about what a crazy bunny-boiler she is. They’re not wrong. And speaking of bunny-boilers, Carrie is off in a reverie in a corner talking about how she’s feeling stronger love for Gavbot than she’s ever felt for any man before. Bitch-radar set off, Carianne has pinged off and is now bitching about Carrie’s mentalism with Layla. How does she DO that? Are there Carianne Twins in the mansion, always bitching in tw…actually, no I can’t even finish that thought. It’s too disturbing.

In further meltdown news, April is off crying in a corner and avoiding Gavin, because she’s still worried that she didn’t make enough impact on her zip-line date, and now she’s too nervous to approach him at all. Lots of other girls hug her and try and calm her down, but she is inconsolable, and then start hyperventilating about how it feels just like being back at school when she was bullied and left out of everything. Well…this is a fun watch. Of course she’s then hugging all the girls and telling them all that she loves them and she’ll miss them so…who knows.

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After I finish pondering the horror of a whole channel devoted to Snog, Marry, Avoid it’s time to give out some roses. Once again, the only way this is getting recapped is a big old list of names. Georgie, Nickie, and Zivilie are already safe, and the recipient of the 10 other roses on offer are :

Carianne, for her sweet nature (?!?!?!)
Danielle, for her good looks
Ola, for her personality and sex appeal
Laura, fist-pumping and stomping and yelling “I WANT TO BE FIRST NEXT TIME!”
April (yeah sure, leave the girl who is mid-meltdown til last).

Which means it’s the end of the road for Aaaleeeah and Anonymous Vickie. Gavbot explains in interview that Vickie is leaving because he has even less clue who she is than I do. Vickie admits that she probably could have made more of an effort to exist. Aaaleeeah meanwhile is weeping all over the place and still talking about how she could have been the mother of his kids, and Gavbot lies that whilst they shared the same values, Aaaleeeah had to go because there was no physical connection. Not at all because she wanted him to fake-propose to him and kept on babbling about what their kids would look like. At all.

Definitely not.

9 thoughts on “The Bachelor – Episode 2

  1. Neil K

    So funny once again. Thanks as well for the reminder of the epic Charlotte Church singalong and the visual imagery of a Rise of the Valkyries helicopter bloodfest. I can only hope that Ms Church is watching this and laughing as much as we are.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I am secretly hoping for The Bachelorette with Charlotte Church. If only to balance out the sexism. Obviously.

  2. Ferny

    I bet this program makes you glad you don’t date girls!

    I realised who Laura reminds me of now – Sindy from Hollyoaks. So similar don’t you think? And I don’t know how Gav thought Careanne was sweet natured. She’s just awful :-/

    1. monkseal Post author

      Obviously we have to bear in mind that Gavbot has probably spent about 5 minutes sum total with each of these women at this point. I’m sure of them could seem sweet-natured. (And yes, Laura is very Cindy).

      1. Neil K

        In your first week poll I voted Carianne as the worst despite not remembering who she was. Thanks to you I was well aware of her come week 2 and I’m so glad that I voted for her being the worst as she is just completely horrid and nightmarish. As a hetro guy I am completely repulsed by her and would run a mile if I were ever left in her company. (nice breasts though 😛 )

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