The Bachelor – Episode 1

That’s right, after dancing, business, the performing arts, and modelling, Monkseal is moving into an area where he has even more experience. Heterosexual love.

We open with a montage. That’s how these things usually begin. This time it’s a rather unfortunate one of future Gavbot romantic escapades over Rihanna honking out “WANT YOU TO MAKE ME FEEL, LIKE I’M THE ONLY GIRL IN THE WORLD!”. If that’s the case Gavbot, you should have let Bruno be a contestant like he asked. Instead all of the women appear to be genitally female, barring any SURPRISE TWISTS later in the show, so it seems unlikely anybody’s going to make Gavbot feel like a girl, unless Katya turns up for a guest “assisting” slot (*fingers crossed*). Bored Voiceover Man says that these 25 women are embarking on the adventure of a lifetime – trying to win the heart (/other tender parts) of a truly eligible bachelor. I think some of them might just be trying to get on the tv, Bored Voiceover Man. This impression is only furthered by the reveal that the girls will be wooing the Gavbotcheler in numerous glamorous locations around Continental Europe. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m easily bought with a free holiday, but you could have cast this with pretty much any of last year’s Strictly contestants and I’d be right on it if it allowed me to tramp it up around Florence or Monaco.

Except Widdy obviously. I have some standards.

Credits roll, which sadly don’t feature the shot used in the adverts for the show where it’s meant to look like Gavbot is scared for his life at the hands of all these marauding she-harpies, but which instead looks rather more like he’s straining to do a big poo. As we shall see, this natural ability to look as awkward as possible at all times is what’s made Gavbot such a permenant fixture on reality shows such as this one.

Back on the show now, in the French Riviera which Bored Voiceover Man informs us all is a “lovers paradise”. A semi-naked couple frolic in the ocean, a bunny girl winks into the camera, a middle-aged English businessman hires a prostitute. All walks of love are here. Our 25 intrepid famehunters tramp past the camera, ready to try and leech it off the nearest available power supply. The first one we meet is Laura (23, Dancer, London). She looks a bit like what would happen if Karen Hardy had a baby with a bottle of Bacardi. She wants love. Unstoppable, uncontrollable, “can’t stop thinking about your” love, tonight, today, for always. Sadly she has not found it yet. The next hour may well give some small clues as to why that’s happened. Just tiny ones. See if you can spot them.

Next up is another girl, who doesn’t get a name, saying that she’s not going to stop until she finds the right man. Or a T4 presenting deal. One or the other. A girl who looks a bit like Lucy Speed but ginger, says that she believes in fairy-tales, and she knows that kind of love exists somewhere, so she’s come looking for it on Channel 5. Well, it’s as good a place as any to start.

Bored Voiceover Man tells us all that these girls don’t know yet that the man whose heart they will be fighting and crying and fighting and crying and fighting and crying and fighting and crying for over the next 10 weeks is INTERNATIONAL RUGBY AVOIDER GAVIN HENSON! We’re shown Gavin running shirtless on the beach, which is really the only time Gavbot ever looks comfortable. If we wanted to see the real him, this entire show would be conducted on treadmills. It’d make dinner-dates EXTRA special. Gavbot tells us that he started avoiding playing rugby when he was 5, and it’s a really important part of his life. Bored Voiceover Man reminds us all that Gavbot stuck it in Charlotte Church for 5 years, in a relationship that was a tabloid editor’s dream, because they were both kind of famous and pretty and that’s what SELLS NEWSPAPERS.

But sadly, we apparently don’t know the “real Gavin Henson”. This statement rather unfortunately is overlayed over a shot of a rooster, so they’re kind of implying that Gavbot is in fact Chicken Boo. This rooster turns out not to be Gavbot Incognito, but instead one of the inhabitants of Henson Farm, where Gavbot grew up, presumably as some sort of threshing machine. We see him over lunch with his delightful parents, delightful mostly because they don’t start yomping on about his “LITTLE TICKER!” or trying to flog “gourmet margarine”. Or being Vernon Kaye. They’re called Audry and Alan, and they tell us that people perceive Gavbot as a wild guy, but really he’s just a great big nice, awkward, slab of protein. Sadly they don’t bust out the awkward baby photos of Gavbot dressed as a cowboy. Boo. We also get a glowing testimony from Matt, Gavbot’s childhood friend, who appears to be hanging around Henson Farm, who is a little bit in love with Gavbot, solely in a BROMANTIC WAY I’M SURE. Meanwhile Gavbot walks/bench-presses his dogs around the grounds.

So, glowing career as a part-time rugby avoider, lovely family, nice house, slightly clingy friends…what could be missing from Gavbot’s life? THAT’S RIGHT! LOVE! He’s only ever had 2 girlfriends (baw!), one at school for 6 months at the age of 17, and one “with Charlotte Church” that lasted for 5 years. I know it’s only because of her celebrity, but I love the snooty distance that comes with calling your ex-lovers by their full names. I may start doing the same thing (TAKE THAT BENJAMIN LEVY!). Anyway, he’s through with Charlotte Church – International Singing Megastar now, and he wants to be a celebr…I mean, find love in his own right, so LOOK OUT LADIES. He tells us he finds it really difficult to approach ladies. To illustrate this we get a shot of him sat at a restaurant table alone with two glasses of wine and a tiny bowl of olives just looking around sadly. Maybe put a nice big slab of cake on there Gavbot, that’ll probably work better as bait.

Back on Henson Farm, Audry tells us it’s really hard for Gavbot to fit a girlfriend around his commitments to avoiding sport. How’s he supposed to find an eligible girl half way up the Arctic or glued to Katya Virshilas? She says that he’s only 29, so there’s still time to find the right woman, but Alan grumps gamely that it’s “about time he had one”. CHARLOTTE CHURCH BURN! We all know that’s why I’m really here. Gavbot says that he really admires his parents and wants to have what they had. They were married since they were 16, and as we all know Gavbot didn’t even have a girlfriend by that point. He tells us all that he wants to get married (again) someday and (awkward pause where “have children” would normally go, but we all know that he’s got two already, and they’re adorable, not that this will ever be mentioned) hopefully that’ll happen for him.

This heart-rending sequence of familial longing is of course capped with a shot of Gavbot in clingy wet swim-shorts so you can kind of make out his cock, diving into a luxury-sized pool. He closes us by telling us that he’s going to really go for it, leave his ego out the door, and wear his heart on his sleeve. It’s going to be “truly special”. I’ll say.

Bored Voiceover Man tells us that to help Gavbot in his quest, the producers have scoured the length and breasts of the nation, mostly the reject application bin for Take Me Out, but other places as well, honest, looking for hot sexy single girls. Laura intenses to some poor producer that every man she’s ever met has SCREWED HER OVER. Some girl says that it’s all about her arse. Some novelty squeaky wheezy dog-toy in the shape of a Page 3 girl says that she’s wearing a low-cut top, because her BOOBS are her best asset. Some twins also think they have nice arses. Already this show is…bang on how shallow I was hoping it would be. Nobody show these clips to Audry, or she’d be at the cast-list with a pair of scissors.

After this “exhaustive” process, the producers have narrowed it down(/rounded it up after they begged a researcher to pretend to be a contestant) to the final 25, and those 25 are now getting ready for the long slow march to Gavbot. They do their make-up, get dressed, do their make-up, do their hair, do their make-up, plump up their cleavage, do their make-up, apply perfume, and finally add just a little hint more make-up. Meanwhile Gavbot screws in the top-button of his shirt extra-chokey and says he’s really nervous. With good reason Gavbot. Keshia (22, PE Student, Cheltenham) who looks a little Star Trek with her massive ear-rings, leopard print dress and hefty eyebrows, says she’s so excited about meeting The Bachelor, whoever it may be. She has LITERALLY been dying to find out. Do you know, I don’t even wish that were true? Yet.

Georgie (24, Cruise Ship Singer, Staffordshire) who is a little blonde Young Jane McDonald looking appropriately enough, says she just wants somebody tall and “obviously handsome”. NO UGLY MIDJITS PLZ! Squeaky Dog Toy says that she’s worried about being in a room with all the other girls trying to snatch the attention from her. She wonders what choice she’s going to make in terms of how she presents herself in order to stand out. SPOILER : she chooses poorly. I think the voice alone might have been enough dear. She high-fives some other girl and giggles “we just need to do what we need to do babes!”. The other girl already looks like she wants to strangle her.

The girls take to their limos, and drive off to Gavbot Mansions, wherever that is this week. I do wonder what it’d be like to live somewhere full-time, that you rent off to reality shows. Especially what the cleaning up is like. You’d be picking extensions out your drains for months afterwards with this crew. Bored Voiceover Man tells us that in only 24 hours, 10 of these girls will be cut, leaving only (!) 15 to fight for Gavbpt’s love. Nickie (22, Single Mum, Blackpool) drones that she likes to get what she wants, and she’s never not got what she wants. I ponder at the sort of person who wants to be a 22 year-old single mother in Blackpool, although NOT IN A DAILY MAIL WAY OBVIOUSLY. I am very compassionate. Squeaky Dog Toy reveals her true identity to be Carianne (24, Model, Middlesex). She squeaks that she is not a loser, she doesn’t enter competitions to lose, she’s going to WIN. If she wins, I will pay you all £5.

(This is a Channel 5 show, given the amount of people reading, I would imagine I can afford it).

Zivile (21, Retail Stylist, London) who, at around a size 12 is obviously our token JOLLY FATTY FOREIGNER out of this cast, accents and smiles that she will do whatever it takes to win The Bachelor’s heart. I haven’t examined her socks, but I feel they might be cotton, and little, and in need of blessing. Laura pops up again next and flaps her arms around saying that she competes with hundreds of women every day as a dancer, so BRING IT ON BITCHES! Bring it on bitches indeed…

(*advertisement break*)

Back from the break, we pan over glamorous Gavbot Mansions. It’s got a pool and everything! If someone’s not shoved into it in full battle-dress and macquillage by series’ end I will be most disappointed. Night has fallen, and Gavbot is stood awkwardly outside the mansions Mediterranean White walls. He is, you will be surprised to hear, really nervous. But he thinks that once he meets the first girl, his nerves will subside. Nope. He’s not sure if he believes in love at first sight, but tonight might be the night he meets his future wife. Nope.

The limo pulls up, and it is revealed to all the girls that they will in fact be competing for the love of GAVIN HENSON. Half look excited, half look a bit bored. First to emerge from the cattle cart is Morgan (25, Model, Derby by way of Madam JoJo’s), and wearing nuclear quantities of slap, a slightly unfortunate peach dress and heels she can’t really walk in. The whole ensemble though does emphasise her tits, so is probably the right choice. I’m guessing. She and Gavbot kiss-kiss and talk about their NERVES. I think Morgan might be making hers up a tad. Single Mum Nikki emerges next, dressed as an aquarium. She tells us in interview that it’s tough being a single mum, but she’d welcome an extra pair of hands sometimes, but she’s COPED REALLY WELL WITH IT (*purse lips nod nod*). Imagine Jane Horrocks playing someone who had in fact not coped really well with it. Yeah, that. She’s awkwardly right up in Gavin’s face from the off, saying that being from Blackpool is “WOO! REALLY DIFFERENT!” and then grabs his arse. Gavbot sends her off, then pulls Gavbot “erp” face, and interviews that Nickie seems to be really full of it, but he likes that in a girl. (*OBLIG CHARLOTTE CHURCH JOKE*)

Inside Nickie giggles to Morgan’s boobs that she grabbed Gavbot’s arse, HOW EMBARRASSING. Zivile emerges next, and giggles in interview “I’m still virgin!”. I love Zivile a little. I anticipate deep, deep insanity for some reason. She says she’s saving herself for the right man, then stomps right up to Gavbot, says her name, and says she that is real lady so she is hoping he is the real gentleman because her country has run out of the real gentlemen. Her country being Lithuania. Or possibly wherever the Sylvanian Families live. Gavbot mostly seems stuck on how her name is an odd name. I wouldn’t put it past him just to eliminate her to avoid having to say it. Zivile stomps inside, pie-eyed saying how gorgeous he is, and then extracts from Morgan and Nickie that Gavbot is called Gavin and is famous, and avoids playing rugby. She hopes he understands that she is not English, and therefore is unaware of his fame. Morgan and Nickie both look at Zivile like being foreign is no excuse for not reading OK! Magazine. It’s PART OF BEING A WOMAN.

Chantelle (24, Model, The Wirral) is next, looking like she’s slept in the limo, and dressed in a bath-mat. She stomps up to Gavbot screaming, grabs him, and then yells “JE M’APPELLE CHANTELLE, I LOVE THE WELSH ACCENT!”. Well this is painful. Gavbot looks mortified. Chantelle honks to camera that she well loves Gavbot and really wants to stay now. Good luck with that. Keshia emerges next, interviewing that she really wants a sportsman, or she will settle for a really hot actor if she has to. Once she’s kissed and passed, Gavbot says he’s really impressed with the quality of girls thus far. They’ve all had their own hair and teeth and legs and everything.

Angharad (22, Beauty Advisor, Cardiff) (Yells “WHERE’S THE SHORTS?” and talks about how she loved to watch Gavbot play rugby when she was growing up), April (22, Fashion Designer, Hertfordshire) (spacey, here to find the “man of her dreams”, tells Gavin her heart is “like, RIMMIN RIMMIN RIMMIN RIMMIN” which…maybe later) and Georgie (OH MY GOD IT’S GAVIN HENSON!) follow, and Gavbot says that things are “getting even better”. Georgie’s chin is certainly an architectural feat of wonder I’ll give him that.

Next up, is the series token “romantic” (PSYCHO-KLAXON!), Carrie (27, Beauty Advisor, Devon) who is also the token ginge in the cast. She tells us all that her friends have all told her that’s she’s crazy for doing this, but she’s currently spending every night dreaming about meeting The Bachelor, going on dates with The Bachelor, and really getting to know The Bachelor. Also she’s made a little doll of The Bachelor, look say hello The Bachelor “HELLO, CARRIE I LOVE YOU, PLEASE MARRY ME”, “Oh the Bachelor you shouldn’t, but OK, LET’S GET MARRIED NOW!” Tum tum ti tum, tum tum ti tum “IN YOUR FACE MOTHER!”. So often shows like this confuse “romance” for…well, “stalking” really. She gets really intense and “understanding” with Gavbot from the off, breathy voicing to him that she hopes his nerves are ok, and that she knows he’s really busy right now, but she’d really appreciate it if he come and talk to her one on one later. And she’ll hold him to that (*cheek kiss, terrifying cheek kiss*). Someone hide all the sharp objects, we’ve got a live one.

Following the rather unnerving Carrie, are Bryony (26, Property Entrepreneur, London) and Catherine (26, Property Entrepreneur, London), who are the twins who loved their arses from earlier. In honour of Flavor Of Love, truly the greatest of all dating reality shows, I dub them Thing 1 and Thing 2. Thing 1 responds to a compliment about her eyes by just staring into space. Thing 2 spends most of her time with Gavbot talking about Thing 1. They then interview that they think twins often have difficulty dating because their social skills with outsiders are limited by just how intense the Twin Bond is. YOU DON’T SAY. Thing 2 says that you often hear how twins live together and grow old together as spinsters and never marry out and just sit at home playing with their cats. And that’s REALLY SAD. Oh Thing 2. Don’t judge it til you live it. As you will be soon. Drunk.

Gavbot grins “DOUBLE TROUBLE!” to no-one in particular, and let’s face it, there’s no scenario in his head now that doesn’t involve both of them, so they might as well just give up now, because I don’t think this show has an incestuous threesome as its romantic end-goal. Not even on Richard Desmond’s channel. He then says there’s been about 10 girls thus far (13), and they’ve all been amazing. Oh you old honey-dripper Gavin. JE M’APPELLE CHANTELLE was not amazing. Bored Voiceover Man describes this as a “big thumbs up from Gavin”. Maybe later.

Zena (35 (GIVE IT UP, GRANDMA), Web Designer, Hertfordshire) follows, and says that the Gavbot is so much lovelier in real life. OMG can you IMAGINE? Also tottering up on her zimmer frame is Aaleeah (33, Businesswoman, London) and she and Gavin converse in French (/”French”) for no reason whatsoever. She’s says that Gavbot is GORGEOUS, but she has one of those “chain of butterflies” tattoos that looks more like rabbit droppings so I’ll not defer to her judgement on aesthetics. Not saying it’s WRONG, just saying it’s not mine. Also she’s black, and by the laws of The Bachelor, this means she’s got two more episodes at most to impress the nation. Also, she’s 33! She should be in her rocking chair eating her Werthers by this show’s standards. Speaking of old women, here’s Natasha (33, Travel Consultant, London) (mush mouth, hair styled by throw of the dice) and speaking of black women here’s Ola (24, Fashion Retailer, London) (styled to Dreamgirls levels of pink and voluminous hair and eyelashes, kind of bitter about men in general, honks at Gavin “I’M SO GLAD THAT YOU’RE REALLY FIT!”). I can’t imagine either are winning but…here they are.

Eighteenth out the gate (it’s alright Monkseal, only 7 more introductions to go) is Other Laura (26, Receptionist, The Wirral) going on and demanding that Gavin do a twirl for her. He does so, and she doesn’t really know where to go after that. Well done on asserting your womanly assertiveness Other Laura. I feel Original Laura may be about to blow you out the water though. She gushes about how Gavbot is REALLY FIT and she REALLY FANCIES HIM, unsurprisingly. Tia (26, Promo Girl, Derby) follows and merely pecks Gavbot on the cheek and swishes off. I think you were supposed to introduce yourself Tia. Maybe? Gavbot grunts that she’s “keeping herself mysterious” whilst Tia gushes in interview about she went STRAIGHT IN FOR A KISS. Oh Tia, half these girls have flopped their boobs in his face and the others have grabbed his arse. How sweet that you think a kiss on the cheek is going to be daring ON THIS SHOW.

Original Laura is next, and she tells the producers that they’ve scoured the country for the nation’s most eligible Bachelor? Well she’s been doing it for TWENTY-THREE YEARS. That’s right, Original Laura came out the womb ready. Either that or…she’s lying about her age. I know, I know, try to look surprised. Anyway, she’s interested to see who they’ve found after their exhaustive search. She stomps out the limousine, again not terribly steady in the massive heels she’s wearing, sticks her hands on her hips and announces “WELL WELL WELL Mr Henson. Are you going to come and help me?”. I love that she thinks this is some sort of feisty post-feminist gambit, but she’s effectively saying “I can’t walk unassisted”, because there’s literally nothing here anybody would need help with. It’s a carpet. Laura is saying “I need assistance negotiating carpet, COME AND GET ME BOYS!”. Gavbot looks confused. Laura then…walks the carpet, and tells Gavbot that she’s not going up the stairs unless he carries her, and Gavbot grins that maybe they should save that for their wedding night. In my head, Gavbot carries Laura, then drop-kicks her down-field to be caught by…another Welsh rugby-player. Whoever they are. Dai something.

Anyway, this turns into the world’s lamest Sexual Tension Mexican stand-off, as Original Laura demands to be carried, and then Gavbot says he can’t (probably for Health & Safety reasons), and then Laura says that he’s probably not MAN ENOUGH to do it, and then says she’s GETTING BACK IN THE LIMO unless he does it, and then Gavbot awkwards “I think…I want to…get to know you better…” and demures. Then Original Laura smugs “see…I knew you would!” and then asks him if he thinks she’s “special, or special needs”. She then swishes off, as Gavbot says to camera “Wow, she’s not all there is she? I liked her hair-style though”.

And this is why I heart Gavbot.

Original Laura crowterviews that Gavbot obviously fancies her, but she hasn’t decided if she wants him yet. But if she does, then she’ll win him. I’ve got a funny feeling that in about 2 weeks time she’s going to find out that she’s decided that she never wanted him in the first place. Just floating that as a possibility there. Gavbot for his part says that Original Laura is “intriguing”. I think we all know what that’s code for. It rhymes with “shaving hitch”. Speaking of not being able to negotiate carpet…

Having to follow that display is Sammy (29, Flight Attendant, Sussex), who basically reacts like she’s a Mormon meeting Donny Osmond for the first time. Her eyes bug out and giggles and says “I can’t believe you’re him” and asks permission to “squeeze his guns”. I’m not sure this is the foundation for a lasting relationship Sammy. WHy not ask him to sign your boobs whilst you’re at it? Sammy then continues to gush in interview. Jesus Wept Sammy, it’s only Gavin Henson. She then calls herself an idiot which…at least she’s astute about something. Trailing in the wake of this double-barrel dose of crazy is Tabby (28, Model, London) who just giggles about how long her dress is and how her love life is “non-existant” at the moment. She seems quite normal. What a shame. Never mind, here’s Danielle (21, Receptionist, Liverpool) who looks a bit like the mother of an Atomic Kitten, rocking two tone hair and saying she WON’T TAKE ANY CRRAP FROM ANYONE COZ SHE’S REALLY STRONG MINDED AND THAT! She has apparently taken crap from whoever styled her, because she’s rocking some killer vagina-armpits. Bunch it less girl, bunch it less.

Rounding out our pack are Vikki (26, Account Manager, Dorking) (doesn’t want to date a nob, speaks with a random Spanish accent FOR THE LOLS!), Samantha (24, “businesswoman”, Kent) (wants 6 kids, but isn’t going to tell Gavbot that, massive heels, contantly adjusting her boobs, Snowdon style), and Carianne (exactly as you’d expect, yelling “GIVE US ONE!”, saying how much prettier she is than all the other girls, saying she’d definitely win if it was just her and Gavbot (no shit Carianne) and generally being awful and squeaky). Gavbot thinks Carianne is “lots of fun” and “might get a bit naughty later”. I think Carianne’s basically being kept around for the bit of the reality show where the Gavbot’s gone too long without sex and it’s starting to frustrate him and he needs a guarantee of someone who’ll put out. Just saying.

Oh and last, but not least, is Layla (24, “songwriter”, Essex) who, per Bored Voiceover Man, has experience of dating MEGASTARS before. That’s right, she dated Simon from Blue. She was also in Girlband, fact fans. All the hits. She tells us in interview that the fact that she’s experienced dating a famous person before means that she knows all the upsides and downsides of doing so. She also says that her boyfriend was in a “big boy band”, except she puts the emphasis on the “big-boy” part rather than the “boy-band” part, so she kind of sounds like Simon Webbe’s mommy. He done a BIG BOY band mummy, with drums and everyfin. She kisses Gavbot briefly on the cheek and skips off inside. Gavbot is once again affronted that nobody wants to stick around and chat about how nervous he is. WHY DOES NOBODY CARE?

So that’s our 25 then. No, really, it is. I’ve put them all in a handy Excel Spreadsheet to help me remember. Inside the mansion, the girls meet and mingle. The Lauras have already gravitated towards one another. Meanwhile Gavbot stands outside, talking about her nerves to camera some more, preparing to jump in and mingle…AFTER THE BREAK.

(*advertisement break*)

Back from the break and it’s MINGLING TIME! Gavbot shoves all the girls into a corner of the living room of Gavbot Mansion and welcomes them to the South of France. Knowing tv production as I don’t, they’ve probably been sat around in the South of the France for the last week Gavbot. But it’s nice of you to welcome them anyway. He tells them that tonight is all about them getting to know one another (with their tongues) so everyone should just chill out, have a drink, and RELAX. I don’t think Carrie can relax Gavbot. Not til she’s in her Princess Castle.

The formality breaks, and Gavbot starts to “mingle”. ie all the girls either attach themselves to him like limpits, or self-consciously “don’t overwhelm him”, or in the case of Carianne just hang around in the background staring at everyone with murder in her heart. Danielle/Georgie (give me time) asks him if he really does shave his legs. He replies that he does. Danielle/Georgie looks disappointed. I think he probably shaves more than his legs Danielle/Georgie, so prepare yourself. Ola stomps up to Gavbot and huffily asks him if he speaks French. Like that’s something Gavbot can do. The answer is of course no. Ola looks put out. I think Ola’s list of demands might be a little too long for Gavbot to satisfy. Carianne asks if he speaks Welsh then honks “I LIKE WELSH, IT’S NIIIIIIIIIICE!” when he says no. Oh dear. Georgie/Danielle asks if he can remember anybody’s name yet. The answer is of course “no”. Again. And I would imagine that’ll be the case til about…the final. The whole thing is basically the girls asking Gavbot things and getting the response “GAVPUTER SAYS NO”.

Gavbot panic interviews that there’s so many beautiful girls there, and he’s not getting any time to get to know them. It’s alright Gavbot, this bit’s just the Biffer Filter where you weed out all the ones who have bad hair/look like a man/are over 28. You’re not supposed to getting to know them yet. Still, in the spirit of the show, he corners Fameho Layla outside for a one to one chat. She asks how he is and he replies that his nerves are setting in a bit now. NOW? They’ve been on since before the opening credits. He asks her what she does, and she says that she’s a “songwriter”. Gavbot seems impressed and asks if she’s written any famous songs. Yes Gavbot, she wrote “Rocket Man”. Layla replies that she HAS. She wrote “all the Ibiza stuff”. All of it. All the dancey stuff. That one that goes “nurr nurr NURR NURR nurr nurr”? 100% Layla. Gavbot rather awkwardly says that she must meet a lot of guys in that Ibiza, and Layla, on Channel 5 bragging about her famous ex wearing shoulder pads that look like they cover Celine Dion’s Vegas tits, says that she’s really a very shy person. Gavin grins that he is too! They can be very shy on Channel 5 together!

There then follows a series of briefer one on one meetings out on the veranda of Gavbot Mansions. We learn in these that Keshia is into her sports, Carianne can’t stop looking down the camera (surprise), Aaleeah doesn’t drink (can’t imagine that’ll last long on this show) and that Sammy the Flight Attendant is still in the grips of GAVBOTMANIA! She “apologises” for grabbing his guns, then does it about three more times. Oh Sammy. Oh and the Lauras are still very in love with one another. You’d think they’d realise that there’s really only room for one Laura on this show, but there we are.

Gavbot interviews that he really doesn’t know who he’s going to give his first rose to (in this show, passage through to the next round is granted via the gift of a rose. I’m sure half these women would prefer a watch or a necklace or a recording contract or a handjob or something, but a rose it is). There’s at least 8 of them he doesn’t hate! Sadly one of these appears to be Original Laura, as Gavbot is sadly giving in to her obvious camera-grabbing FEMINIST WARRIOR ways. He asks what all that rubbish was about out the front earlier, and Original Laura says she was just testing him. And he passed with flying colours! Congratulations doormat, now lick her heels! She then speechifies “I’m like Marmite, you either love it or you hate it, and you love it yes, SAY YOU LOVE IT!” and points her finger right his face. Gavbot says “yes” and wonders how long the producers are going to make him keep this one on for the LOLS. Original Laura then carries on, saying that she SCARES MEN, does she SCARE YOU GAVBOT? He says yes, she did a bit. He then ponders out loud if Original Laura’s panoply of nonsense is in fact a front hiding a myriad of insecurities. Oh Gavbot, she’s just a bit of a cow. As if to prove this, she grins “who knows? *GIGGLE GIGGLE*” whilst playing with her hair. “Keep trying Gavin, I might secretly be really insecure and need your love!”. Pass the bucket. She then stomps off grinning how happy she is to get away from him finally. Gavbot grumbles “oh you’re going to be hard work you are”. I’ll say.

FIRST ROSE TIME! Gavbot calls all the women to order, and prepares the Mingle Rose. Of course it goes to Layla, because she is really shy like what Gavbot is. Sammy looks really sad that her tactic of declaring herself Gavbot’s number 1 Fan didn’t work. Original Laura crashes down onto a sofa in the foetal position, devastated that someone else is getting some plot-advancing attention. Nickie proclaims herself to be well jell. Layla says she’s really overwhelmed. It’s alright dear, as soon as he finds out you’re Blue’s sloppy seconds you’re out the door I’ll imagine.

The night draws in, everyone retires, and then morning breaks over the South Of France. Bored Voiceover Man proclaims this to be “D-Day” for Gavbot. And of course he’ll be playing the role of Nazi Germany, scything down 40% of the girls as soon as they land on the beach. What a taseful metaphor. But first, speed-dating, as also preceded the actual D-Day. Gavbot drives around in his sports car and sunglasses, saying he’s on his way to the girls hotel (what, do they not stay in Gavbot Mansions? BOO! What sort of junket is this?!) to wake them up. He’s only going to give them 10 minutes to get ready, because he wants to see what they look like “au naturel”. This is Channel 5 Gavbot, you could probably get them to do it in the nud.

Anyway, Gavbot wanders around the girls hotel, knocking on doors, waking them up, grinning at them in their underwear, telling them they’ve got 10 minutes. He doesn’t seem to walking…terribly fast, so I would imagine 10 minutes for some of them was more like 5. Tabby opens the door wearing her sunglasses and with her hair all tousled, sounding vaguely hungover and looking like a proper diva. I’m going to miss her. Original Laura moans that she still wearing the same outfit she wore 3 days ago. If I was her I’d be more concerned that Channel 5 are so cheap they’ve had her sleeping on the floor. Carianne similarly whines about conditions, saying that it’d normally take her “an hour and a bit” to get ready in the morning. I’m guessing “a bit” means “two hours”. Ola meanwhile has no such qualms. She can get ready REALLY QUICKLY, like, in only an hour. She sprints out of the hotel at full pelt wearing a massive hat and a nice-enough sun-dress. Who knows how she would have managed if she’d had her usual allotted time. Maybe there would be fairy wings as well. Meanwhile Original Laura (self-quoted as taking three hours to get ready to go out) is continuing to demand camera by throwing herself round the floor, apparently wearing all her clothes at once like Joey in that episode of Friends, yelling and flapping. Oddly enough, she misses the bus, and it drives off without her. She collapses wailing and clenching her fists in the driveway.

She announces to camera that if Gavbot saw her like this, he’d turn her down anyway, so she’s going back to bed. She does look a bit like Pob. At least I feel like Original Laura is going to be a reliable source of “doing stuff” throughout her stay. And anyway it turns out that Thing 1 and Thing 2 were too drunk to even bother trying to get out of bed in time for the coach. Oh twins. So wilful. Get those cats ready.

Speed-dating at Gavbot Mansion it is, and Gavbot says he’s only getting two minutes with each of them, which he doesn’t feel is really long enough to “get to know them”. It is for Boris Becker. Just sayin. Anyway, Gavbot says that he hopes to see something in a few of them that will intrigue him, and make him want to see more.

Speed-dating montage follows and we learn that : Carianne can run four miles in twenty-five minutes (…oddly specific), Other Laura is proud of her massage skills, Aaleeah is a dancer – she LOVES to dance, Ola has a rose of her own to give to Gavin (how very Dorothy Parker), Georgie is very adventurous and has snorkled on the Great Barrier Reef (whilst singing “I Don’t Know How To Love Him”, in full evening dress, for pensioners), Natasha/Angarhad has done stilt-walking (or at least someone has…), Angarhas/Natasha has done sky-diving, Vikki (I think) has no eyes and wants to look after baby elephants and baby rhinos, April is a beauty queen (Miss Reading Washing Machines).

Next up is Tia who, lest we forget, has only exchanged a cheek kiss with Gavbot thus far, because she thinks that makes her “mysterious”. Gavbot presses her to say something interesting about herself, and she says that she’s half-pagan, half-wicker. I’m personally half-druid, half bivouac, so I can empathise. She offers to read Gavbot’s palm and tells him that he’s going to meet someone with dark hair and green eyes. SHE’S TALKING ABOUT HERSELF CHILDREN! Gavbot looks bored of this nonsense already. Tia then giggles to him that SHE’S not a witch, but her family are really into it. She then interviews to camera that she really thinks she showed Gavbot that she was memorable and different. Erm…you showed him that your FAMILY are memorable and different, in that they’re 14 year old girls who play a lot of World Of Warcraft. I mean “look at my wacky mum” isn’t really…much of a recommendation.

Back to the montage now : Georgie wants her dream man (and not the one in that dream she had about Eamon Holmes ie Eamon Holmes) , Sammy is worried about being a Size 14, Carianne is looking for someone who can make her laugh, look after her, and stand on their own two feet (she says all this like a 5 year old reeling off she wants for her birthday), Keshia wants someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously, Nickie wants a good cuddler (/shag), Vikki/Natasha wants someone spontaneous, JE M’APPELLE CHANTELLE wants EVERYTHING. Gavbot lies at the end of the montage that he really likes all the girls and really wants to spend more time with all of them.

Meanwhile, in Gavbot Mansion, all the girls who have finished have pressed their faces up against the window to get a better look at what’s going on. Tia takes us through the process, saying that everyone was micro-analysing everything Gavbot did to try to work out who’s in the lead. Good luck microanalysing Gavbot ladies ; his ways a re a mystery to us all. Meanwhile, whilst all the Mean Girls are straining their necks and cracking their knuckles, “romantic” psycho Ginger Carrie is writing a love note in the dahlias as twinkly fairy music plays. She’s decided that two minutes aren’t enough for what her heart wants to say, so she’s just going to give him a letter. No fair Carrie, that’s cheating! That’ll be about half an hour of his time you’re taking up with that note. As soon as they sit down she hands it over, on the pretext that she “knows a lot is going on today”, but she just wants him to know about all the intense feelings she has for him. She’s here for genuine reasons. This is her whole life on the line here. And his too if he’s not careful. She’s a writer, so she’s written him a note. This said, she walks off. Gavbot reads the note :

“I’m not even sure how or where to start. Only that it’s with a girl and a boy under the sun, not knowing what’s around the corner. My heart is in my throat and I’m all giddy and my head’s mad confused. I promise I’m worth the investment and the butterflies I have tell me you are too. Carrie The Redhead xx”

What a nutcase.

Gavbot prepared to give out his Speed-Dating rose. It goes to Carrie. Yes, because that sort of thing needs encouraging. Next thing you know it’ll be a gift of a little crown made of daises and her hair. He takes her outside and tells her that her letter really moved him. Meanwhile Carianne jumps around on the sofa inside squeaking “OH HERE’S MY LETTER FOR YOU GAVIN!” and Ola cackles back “no it’s just that she’s a writer so she’s showing off her SKILLS you bitch!” and smacks her on the arse. Ola then announces that it should be Gavin doing all the romantic stuff (yes, because he’s the one competing for a dicking here) and Carianne continues to snerk on Carrie, saying she pretends to be all sweet and innocent but she’s NOT. Well these two are fun already. Zivila meanwhile watches and grins and clap her hands like a 9 year olds girl, clearly being easy marks for this sort of “romance”.

When Carrie returns, everyone applauds and grins except Carianne, who smacks her hands together sarcastically and grins around for approval. She then interviews that she’d never write anyone a letter, because it is CHEESY AND GAY. Also she forgot her crayons and templates. She demands that Carrie “get a life”. YOU’RE ALL ON THE BACHELOR! MOTE AND BEAM CARIANNE, MOTE AND BEAM.

(*advertisement break*)

It’s time! TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY! A coach has been sent for Original Laura and the Things, and everyone’s getting ready for the cut. Sammy is doing this by crying and hugging her Gavin Henson teddy bear and waffling about how she’s already in love with Gavbot. Well not LOVE, but, she really wants to get to know him! With her vagina. Oh Sammy. Gavbot is doing this with a mandatory reality tv photo-shuffling. He’s very sad Original Laura didn’t make the speed-dates, because she was really “intriguing”. Carianne does this by cussing out all of the other girls. Quelle Suprise. Anyway…IT IS TIME.


Layla The Ibiza Songwriter
Carrie The Romantic
Danielle The Scouse Receptionist who DON’T TAKE NO CRAP
Georgie The Cruise Ship Singer
Nickie The Single Mum
Zivile The Lithuanian Virgin
Ola The Grumpy
April The Fashion Designer
Vikki Who Randomly Spoke Spanish Who Loves Likke Elephants And Likkle Rhinos
Angharad The Welsh
Morgan The Drag Queen
Aaleeah The Strong Black Businesswoman And Dancer
Keshia The Sporty Ferengi
Carianne The Squeaky Dog Toy
Laura The Drama

Gavin makes a big show of being sorry for leaving Laura til last, then she calls him “predictable” and pretends to reject him, furthering their “amazingly intriguing” power dynamic. This will be fun that never ends I can just tell. Thing 1 and Thing 2 look annoyed, Sammy looks devestated, Tia says she’s very disheartened then disappears in a puff of green smoke, JE M’APPELLE CHANTELLE huffs that she wouldn’t want to date any man that’d pick Drama Laura over her ANYWAY, and Laura carries on doing her thing right down the camera. SHE KNEW IT! SHE’S IN TOTAL CONTROL HERE! MEN EH?! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Other Laura happily skips off and tells Gavbot it was lovely to meet him, Thing 1 and Thing 2 wonder if it might not have been wise to actually bother to get out of bed and turn up if they wanted to get further on in the show (GEE, DO YOU THINK?), Sammy smiles though her heart is breaking and is really just glad she got to talk to GAVIN HENSON a couple of times. Oh Sammy. You were too…something for this show. Not sure what it was, but it was certainly something.

Next week : Laura has a whip. Joy.

18 thoughts on “The Bachelor – Episode 1

  1. durnovarian

    I forgot this was on and missed it. But it doesn’t matter, because you haven’t let me down. I can miss all the rest of it now, safe in the knowledge that your recaps will leave me crying with laughter as usual. Brilliant! 🙂

  2. Lollykitty

    I heart baby voice Carrie, for she has a bitch face of DEATH. I’m rooting for her to stay in as long as possible, just to see how long before the other girls go actually mad listening to her, and strangle themselves with their own hair extensions.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Carrie or Carianne? I get so confused with these names – at least there aren’t two Lauras or two “Sammy”s any more.

  3. Ferny

    Rugby avoider lol

    Carianne would suit ‘super mega bitch’ more than ‘sqeaky dog toy’ imo and I can tell that her and Drama Laura are going to be FUN.

    This programme would be diabolical without Gavbot, but with him it’s only amusingly horrendous. I love his constant awkwardness, and, as you aptly put it, his ‘eep’ face! I wonder what reality show he has set his sites on next…

    1. monkseal Post author

      He’s such a pioneer – 51 Degrees Gethin and now this. That’s Gavbot, always pushing the boundaries in new reality tv formats.

  4. Hannah

    Haven’t commented before, but I love your recaps! I’m very glad you’re now doing The Bachelor because it gives me an excuse to be watching it other than ‘oh no I can’t seem to change the channel… ‘ My favourite bit was the bit just after Carrie gave him the letter, where they all sat around going “Yeah I’m going to act really sweet and nice” because a) did they think just acting like a bitch would help them? and b) they are totally unashamed to have a game plan (i think this was mostly Carianne, but i might be wrong)

    1. monkseal Post author

      To be fair, me recapping it is also my excuse for watching it.

      I took that convo between Carianne and Ola as them saying they were TOO REAL to act sweet and nice, but then I think 95% of all reality show conversations have that basis.

  5. Kelly

    Single Mum Nickie from Blackpool, her dress was gorgeous, does anyone know where it is from? Perfect for an upcoming occasion i have, nothing comes close! 😦

  6. Neil K

    Joy. Pure unadulterated joy. I watched this show by accident/couldn’t be arsed to change channel while brosing the interweb on my laptop and became addicted to it in the first five minutes. Having bored my friends with how hilarious it was I was left thinking I might have to laugh at it all by myself, but happily you’ve decided to recap it. Now all I have to do is remember the names of them all and I might be able to get all the jibes you’ve posted. Currently I have Original Laura and Scary, love letter-writing pixie in my memory so only 13 more to go. Perhaps a spreadsheet is in order.

  7. Missfrankiecat

    If Sammy was only 29 I’m Angelina Jolie! Not, of course, the only porkie told on this very promising show. Has Gavbot had acting lessons? Perhaps from Felicity Kendall. Loving your work. Half druid/half bivouac – classic.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I like to think she decided to pretend she was the same age as Gavbot so they could be EVEN MOAR SOLEMATES THAN THEY ALREADY WER!

  8. carrie

    i should be highly offended and traumatised at this review and its comments but ya know what … i laughed my socks off at it, great comedic and embarassingly true (in some cases ) writing…. keep enjoying the show as i will keep entertained by your reviews . ‘the ginger psycho’


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