The Apprentice 7 – The Monkies!

Some winners, some losers, and maybe a Chain-Smoking Taxidermy Cat…

Best Task : Nominees : Biscuit Stuff, Magazine Stuff, Paris Stuff, Rubbish Stuff

Winner (36%):


Runner-up : Paris Stuff (23%)

So the message goes out loud and clear to the Apprentice producers. If you’re looking for new and exciting tasks that will capture the imagination of the public, then just crib off what your English teacher made you do when they’d forgotten to come up with a lesson plan. Next series : cut out headlines from the National Geographic and form them into a poem. Whoever makes Lordalan cry the most wins. But until then we just have to settle ourselves with the battle of Hip Replacement vs Yeah? Magazine. Tom and Helen tutting around wrinkling their brows like the Flanders in a brothel, Natasha blowing her load all over her dollah yeah, Leon loving tits because they’re attached to ladies, Melody desperately trying to dissuade Natasha from pushing a “Ladies Of The Apprentice” photospread, Glenn and Susan wondering if old people really wanted to stretch themselves to jokes and wondering if they wouldn’t just prefer a nice crossword, Zoe and Jim scrapping over a font, Palin Comparison, Coffin Dodgers, a really Nu-Male focus group, and the magical mysteries of the Rate Card. And just like last year’s winning task, a fairly baffling firing to cap it all off. Poor Glenn. He never stood a chance against Natasha and the Power Of Tits.

Best Boardroom Madness Moment : Nominees : Don’t! Fit! The Mould!, I drew a teapot Lordalan, I stood up despite being the youngest AND the shortest, Jedi Jim’s Carnage Hour

Winner (32%) :


Runner-up : Don’t! Fit! The Mould! (26%)

That’s Glenn reacting to Jedi Jim using his Jedi Mind-Powers to transport himself off the Hot Seat and Glenn into it. That’s right – Jedi Jelly Jim’s powers of manipulation are your Number One Boardroom Madness Moment for this series. It seems odd that this happened in Week Two, before Jim’s Villain Arc even really kicked in properly (unless you count the WINK OF EVIL!). Really for me it’s not so much made by Jim’s powers of persuasion, so much as Leon flailing around like a stuck jellyfish, woefully shivvering to the world about how it was IMPOSSIBLE TO CHOOSE, just because Jim went “I’d really rather not be in the Boardroom if you don’t mind”. Even in a series of Leonish moments, that was a particularly spineless one.

Smash Hits Sexiest Male : Nominees : Gavin Winstanley, Jim Eastwood, Tom Pellereau, Vincent Disneur

Winner (45%) :


Runner-Up : Gavin Winstanley (22%)

You’d better hope nice guys don’t finish first.

Smash Hits Sexiest Female : Nominees : Felicity Jackson, Helen Milligan, Melody Hossaini, Susan Ma

Winner (41%) :


Runner-up : Susan Ma (30%)

Toot toot! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BEEP BEEP! Yes, that’s right, after relatable, likable, doomed but lovely Ginger Paula, and blandly pretty WAG-in-Training Liz Locke, you’ve gone for a Bad Girl. Except obviously not REALLY a bad girl, because she is best friends with Mother Theresa and Amnesty International Rescue, but in the realm of the show. Or maybe you were truly inspired in your loins by the seething, writhing, barely suppressed sexual tension displayed by Melody and Tom in their ROLE-PLAY and wanted to try to pair up the couple with the most electric connection? Who can say, but this year, sex is going Bitchmidget.

Worst Candidate : Personality Nominees : Edward Hunter, Melody Hossaini, Natasha Scribbins, Zoe Beresford

Winner : (37%)


Runner-Up : Melody Hossaini (29%)

Hey, I swear it was close at the point when I said it was close. At one point Melody was even in the lead. But for whatever reason, a late surge of powerful anti-Zoe sentiment pushed her into the lead by some distance. Who knows what it was, maybe she finally got traction in her mission to yell at and belittle every human being in the country. Maybe she finally met Glenn’s family and they flocked to the polls. Maybe Melody, Ed-Hunter and La Scribbles joines forces in some sort of Unholy Legion Of Evil to push her over the edge and save themselves? For whatever reason, Zoe has been officially designated as The Actual Worst.

Worst Candidate : Competence Nominees : Alex Britez Cabral, Edward Hunter, Leon Doyle, Natasha Scribbins

Winner (45%) :


Runner-up : Natasha Scribbins (20%)

Best First Boot Ever am I right?

Best Candidate : Personality Nominees : Ellie Reed, Jim Eastwood, Susan Ma, Thomas Pellereau

Winner (59%):


Runner-Up : Jim Eastwood (16%)

Best Candidate : Competence Nominees : Helen Milligan, Jim Eastwood, Susan Ma, Thomas Pellereau

Winner : (53%)


Runner-Up : Jim Eastwood (16%)

Kaen was right – they truly did bring the best out of one another. Just like Fred gave Ginge class and she gave him sex, so Helen gave Tom competence and he gave her likability. Well…I mean he didn’t really give her likability, he brought out her clenched micro-managing side. And she didn’t really give him competence so much as she let him take responsibility for one of the four task-elements and then ring him every 5 seconds to make sure he wasn’t screwing it up. But…erm…what was my point again? Oh yes, anyway, Tom and Helen together were the perfect team, as you can taste for yourself in a MyPy near you soon. Probably. I know I’d rather eat out of there than Leon. THE RESTAURANT-CHAIN.

Best Nick or Kaen

Winner (61%)


Never mind Kaen. You caught up 4% this year. You’ll be in the lead by Apprentice 10! If you haven’t been replaced by Alesha Dixon by then.

The Incidental Character Boyfriend is… Nominees : Dick The Sensitive Modern Rugby Player, Edward The Boyfriend Of Susan, Jacques The Incidental Character Mistress, The Chain-Smoking Taxidermy Cat

Winner (32%) :


Runner-Up : The Chain-Smoking Taxidermy Cat (30%)

Oh GREAT. First the advertising guy, then the woman, now you’ve set me up with an inanima…wait WHAT? You’ve set me up with a human being? A little soft focus but…handsome…sensitive…in a rugby shirt…I’m off to…perform certain deeds. I’ll see you again hopefully in time for the next series. GOODNIGHT SEATTLE WE LOVE YOU.


38 thoughts on “The Apprentice 7 – The Monkies!

  1. consmot

    I’m kind of voting as though these were the Vince and Jim awards. Sorry about that. I love Tom, too, but I don’t think he really needs my vote.

    Also, I might be the only one who fancies the pants off Ellie, but either way, she’s got at least one vote for sexiest female. Genuinely lovely lady.

    (Also also, probably the only person not to vote Zoe for worst personality. Vive la difference.)

    1. monkseal Post author

      I can reveal at this stage that there is no clear leader as yet for “Worst Personality”. Unsurprisingly perhaps…

      1. durnovarian

        I can only see ‘Best Task’ too – but I could see all the categories this morning when I voted. *passes Monkseal a bigger spanner*

      2. monkseal Post author

        I know – it’s affecting all posts. Only the first poll in each one is showing up. Have left a message with support, so hopefully they’ll help sort it out.

      3. monkseal Post author

        I changed the polls around a bit earlier to see if it was because of the specific poll, or if it were just the first poll showing up regardless of content. So that’s why that.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Yeah it was Leon. I was really struggling for anything that happened in the first couple of Boardrooms beyond “Ed-Hunter happened”.

      1. monkseal Post author

        It was. I was aiming for about 3 incidents per boardroom as minimum, and that one kind of sucked all the oxygen out of that one for anything else.

  2. Neil K

    He was only there for a week but I hope Ed Hunter gets an award for his boardroom epicness. I really wish they’d take the evictees from the first 2 weeks of all the series and do a new “series of losers” where one of the inept buggers gets to win something for once in their life. You’d have a field day Mr Seal.

    1. FuTeffla

      Agreed. It’s a shame that Edna stayed in so long and then failed to fulfil her crazy potential. If Ed Hunter had stayed, I’m sure he would have just ratcheted it up every week.

      1. monkseal Post author

        I do wish we got to find out what Ed-Hunter’s “business plan” was. I net it’d be similar to what was inside Lionel Hutz’s briefcase.

      2. Ferny

        Maybe he was bluffing and his business plan was to set up an accountancy firm…
        Well, either that or a weed farm.

  3. consmot

    Jedi Jim’s Carnage Hour and Paper Scissors Stone deffo get the boardroom madness.

    Oh, and I only voted for one Incidental Character Boyfriend. Sorry.

    1. monkseal Post author

      The day I give an award to a dog (as opposed to Jodie Prenger in a dog costume, obv.) is the day I just stop trying.

      1. isolde

        How about “Candidate Most Resembling a Dog”? There’s a Cavalier King Charles and a basset hound in there, just off the top of my head.

  4. joseph

    How has Tom already gone from the Worst Candidate (competence), I know he’s the winner, but still he should still be in the running, he was terrible

    1. monkseal Post author

      To be fair, it’s not as though we’ve been short of the flagrantly incompetent this series.

      1. monkseal Post author

        I don’t like to think what other part of his anatomy Tom might have been referring to…

  5. Neio

    I’m disappointed there wasn’t a Best Smug Cow smackdown between Smuganza, Tea-Bag, and of course original recipe Smug Cow.

    I’m not in the least surprised Zoe won worst personality, even among that crew. She’s like one of the Dementors in Harry Potter that woman.

    And you’re right, Ed-Hunter was the best first boot ever (although it is fun imagining what he would have done in the other tasks – just imagine what kind of freemium magazine he would have come up with!)

    1. monkseal Post author

      There was a poll in the restaurant task along those lines re : Smug Cow and subsidiaries. Although I guess that was when people were in the first flush of Kitchen Bint love. Who knows whose legend will endure to the extent that Smug Cow’s has.


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