Some winners, some losers, and maybe a Chain-Smoking Taxidermy Cat…
Best Task : Nominees : Biscuit Stuff, Magazine Stuff, Paris Stuff, Rubbish Stuff
Runner-up : Paris Stuff (23%)
So the message goes out loud and clear to the Apprentice producers. If you’re looking for new and exciting tasks that will capture the imagination of the public, then just crib off what your English teacher made you do when they’d forgotten to come up with a lesson plan. Next series : cut out headlines from the National Geographic and form them into a poem. Whoever makes Lordalan cry the most wins. But until then we just have to settle ourselves with the battle of Hip Replacement vs Yeah? Magazine. Tom and Helen tutting around wrinkling their brows like the Flanders in a brothel, Natasha blowing her load all over her dollah yeah, Leon loving tits because they’re attached to ladies, Melody desperately trying to dissuade Natasha from pushing a “Ladies Of The Apprentice” photospread, Glenn and Susan wondering if old people really wanted to stretch themselves to jokes and wondering if they wouldn’t just prefer a nice crossword, Zoe and Jim scrapping over a font, Palin Comparison, Coffin Dodgers, a really Nu-Male focus group, and the magical mysteries of the Rate Card. And just like last year’s winning task, a fairly baffling firing to cap it all off. Poor Glenn. He never stood a chance against Natasha and the Power Of Tits.
Best Boardroom Madness Moment : Nominees : Don’t! Fit! The Mould!, I drew a teapot Lordalan, I stood up despite being the youngest AND the shortest, Jedi Jim’s Carnage Hour
Winner (32%) :
Runner-up : Don’t! Fit! The Mould! (26%)
That’s Glenn reacting to Jedi Jim using his Jedi Mind-Powers to transport himself off the Hot Seat and Glenn into it. That’s right – Jedi Jelly Jim’s powers of manipulation are your Number One Boardroom Madness Moment for this series. It seems odd that this happened in Week Two, before Jim’s Villain Arc even really kicked in properly (unless you count the WINK OF EVIL!). Really for me it’s not so much made by Jim’s powers of persuasion, so much as Leon flailing around like a stuck jellyfish, woefully shivvering to the world about how it was IMPOSSIBLE TO CHOOSE, just because Jim went “I’d really rather not be in the Boardroom if you don’t mind”. Even in a series of Leonish moments, that was a particularly spineless one.
Smash Hits Sexiest Male : Nominees : Gavin Winstanley, Jim Eastwood, Tom Pellereau, Vincent Disneur
Winner (45%) :
Runner-Up : Gavin Winstanley (22%)
You’d better hope nice guys don’t finish first.
Smash Hits Sexiest Female : Nominees : Felicity Jackson, Helen Milligan, Melody Hossaini, Susan Ma
Winner (41%) :
Runner-up : Susan Ma (30%)
Toot toot! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BEEP BEEP! Yes, that’s right, after relatable, likable, doomed but lovely Ginger Paula, and blandly pretty WAG-in-Training Liz Locke, you’ve gone for a Bad Girl. Except obviously not REALLY a bad girl, because she is best friends with Mother Theresa and Amnesty International Rescue, but in the realm of the show. Or maybe you were truly inspired in your loins by the seething, writhing, barely suppressed sexual tension displayed by Melody and Tom in their ROLE-PLAY and wanted to try to pair up the couple with the most electric connection? Who can say, but this year, sex is going Bitchmidget.
Worst Candidate : Personality Nominees : Edward Hunter, Melody Hossaini, Natasha Scribbins, Zoe Beresford
Winner : (37%)
Runner-Up : Melody Hossaini (29%)
Hey, I swear it was close at the point when I said it was close. At one point Melody was even in the lead. But for whatever reason, a late surge of powerful anti-Zoe sentiment pushed her into the lead by some distance. Who knows what it was, maybe she finally got traction in her mission to yell at and belittle every human being in the country. Maybe she finally met Glenn’s family and they flocked to the polls. Maybe Melody, Ed-Hunter and La Scribbles joines forces in some sort of Unholy Legion Of Evil to push her over the edge and save themselves? For whatever reason, Zoe has been officially designated as The Actual Worst.
Worst Candidate : Competence Nominees : Alex Britez Cabral, Edward Hunter, Leon Doyle, Natasha Scribbins
Winner (45%) :
Runner-up : Natasha Scribbins (20%)
Best First Boot Ever am I right?
Best Candidate : Personality Nominees : Ellie Reed, Jim Eastwood, Susan Ma, Thomas Pellereau
Runner-Up : Jim Eastwood (16%)
Best Candidate : Competence Nominees : Helen Milligan, Jim Eastwood, Susan Ma, Thomas Pellereau
Winner : (53%)
Runner-Up : Jim Eastwood (16%)
Kaen was right – they truly did bring the best out of one another. Just like Fred gave Ginge class and she gave him sex, so Helen gave Tom competence and he gave her likability. Well…I mean he didn’t really give her likability, he brought out her clenched micro-managing side. And she didn’t really give him competence so much as she let him take responsibility for one of the four task-elements and then ring him every 5 seconds to make sure he wasn’t screwing it up. But…erm…what was my point again? Oh yes, anyway, Tom and Helen together were the perfect team, as you can taste for yourself in a MyPy near you soon. Probably. I know I’d rather eat out of there than Leon. THE RESTAURANT-CHAIN.
Best Nick or Kaen
Never mind Kaen. You caught up 4% this year. You’ll be in the lead by Apprentice 10! If you haven’t been replaced by Alesha Dixon by then.
The Incidental Character Boyfriend is… Nominees : Dick The Sensitive Modern Rugby Player, Edward The Boyfriend Of Susan, Jacques The Incidental Character Mistress, The Chain-Smoking Taxidermy Cat
Winner (32%) :
Runner-Up : The Chain-Smoking Taxidermy Cat (30%)
Oh GREAT. First the advertising guy, then the woman, now you’ve set me up with an inanima…wait WHAT? You’ve set me up with a human being? A little soft focus but…handsome…sensitive…in a rugby shirt…I’m off to…perform certain deeds. I’ll see you again hopefully in time for the next series. GOODNIGHT SEATTLE WE LOVE YOU.