Giant It rings the house, in the middle of the Final Four celebrations, which is just as well because Helen is using them to talk about the last task. Fun Time Helen in evidence to the very last. She’s ringing to tell everyone to get their business plans ready, because it’s TIME FOR INTERVIEWS. There then follows lots of footage of the candidates sat on their beds, balancing spreadsheets, chewing pens, furrowing their brows, and generally pouring their hearts and souls into these portfolios. Of course they needn’t have bothered because…all the business plans are crap.
Helen – Army of slaves, organising your Occado deliveries for you.
Jim – This
Susan – Just keep doing what I’m doing now but…more. Enough more for it to be £1,000,000 more tomorrow
Tom – A chair that might work
So naturally, all these rubbish plans are junked, although this takes a very long time, and it’s all very painful, and a bit boring, and I hope they either go back to the old format, or next year’s prospective finalists start on their business plans now because seriously…no. It robs time from your bog-standard Interview awesomeness, like how we discover that Susan is basically a gang-leader who dodges tax laws to hire cheap cosmetics slaves, Helen has no life or sense of humour, that Jim’s a bit of an ass who can’t stop talking in cliches and SOMEBODY thinks something called “an elevator pitch” is a worthwhile business tool. Oh wait, that’s one of the new interviewers. Never mind.
Whilst all this is going on Helen is perched on a chair outside, like, even when she’s being interviewed herself, chatting shit about everyone, casting unpleasant smirky glances everywhere, and basically making her own upcoming loss terribly satisfying to be perfectly honest. Tom mostly sits there wishing she’d stop and occasionally joining in, but not terribly heartily. Susan’s incredibly positive to the point of near-psychotic delusion, and Jim…I think Jim knows he’s beat but is quite happy to go down swinging.
When it comes down to the Final Reckoning it’s Jim who gets the first flick-off, which Nick calling him a wicked seductress and everyone getting really affronted over the fact that his idea is child-centric. This is “going for the sympathy vote” apparently, and very very bad. Cept when it’s the Baby-Glow, or the Backpack Booster Seat obviously. After Susan remains grimly oblivious to how ridiculous the sums she’s talking about are, and Lordalan vacillates seventy times over whether he wants to ACTUALLY enter the cosmetics business (again), she’s next.
Which leaves a Final Two of Tom vs Helen. Erstwhile allies they turn on one another immediately – Tom disparaging Helen for not having her own business, and Helen disparaging Tom for his existing business being in ruins (hey, remember last year when Stella attacking Chris at the last was WORST THING EVAH?). As if this wasn’t desperate enough, Helen clearly makes up another business plan right there and then off the top of her head. Involving cakes. I’ve never seen a finale more dedicated to making it look like nobody there deserves to win.
In the end, Tom does, because of some story involving how he bullied his way into Wal-Mart to sell those curved nail-files we heard about way back in Week 1. I kind of wish this had happened on camera so we could see it (I bet she had rubbish hair), because nothing from the last three months of tv time really justified it. I guess he thought EveryDog was a bad idea? And he’s likable? That’s good enough.
Dear next year’s candidates : better business plans please.