The Apprentice 7 – What I Learnt From “The Final Five”

A list post.

  • Jim used to be a goalie.
  • Tom is dyslexic
  • Natasha is mildly phobic of dogs after being bitten as a child
  • Natasha and I have at least one thing in common
  • Susan’s boyfriend is quite fit, for an Apprentice candidate
  • No offence Mr Stella
  • Helen used to steal Helen’s sister’s pocket money by pretending she was going to hold a disco in her bedroom, charging her entry, then just turning the lights on and off and blaring out “Weak” by Skunk Anansie on a loop. Every week.
  • Helen’s sister is kind of slow
  • Natasha is playing the role on this show usually taken by a young black woman
  • Jim is big in Northern Ireland. Maybe also Japan
  • Susan’s mother came to this country speaking very little English.
  • This still puts her one step up on Natasha half the time.
  • There is no length Kaen will not go to to claim that Helen is responsible for everything good in the Universe
  • Nick is not quite so taken with her
  • Tom has had more hair-styles over the years than Madonna
  • Most of them unfortunate
  • Like all the best Hollywood romances, the story of how Jim met his wife is 50% romance, 50% stalking.
  • Tom talks about all the other contestants like he’s their very proud form tutor at prize-giving
  • Susan was the cutest baby.
  • She still kind of is
  • Judging from his Uni photos, Tom was a bit of a girls guy rather than a man’s man. Try to look surprised.
  • If they edit hard enough, they really can almost make it look like Natasha meant for all this to happen
  • Judging from the photos, Old Helen was not in fact the first Helen – she was just one of many Helen’s regenerating every year, sloughing off the old skin and becoming a new one, we just caught her mid-transformation this time. Quiet girl, lawyer, waitress, drunken tart, mousy secretary obsessed with sausage rolls, eldritch space-being. Which Helen will be next?
  • Nick still talks about Susan like an over-excited forum poster staring at the series down the wrong end of a telescope.
  • Natasha believes that Jim “Jimised” everyone on the show other than her, manipulating them into doing his bidding with psychic mind-powers.
  • Nobody should introduce Natasha to David Icke.
  • No matter how hard they fire her, Melody will still somehow find a way to get her views aired. SHE WILL NOT BE SILENCED!
  • Helens nephew loves his auntie Helen, and is super cute with curly shiny blonde hair and a lovely wee smile, and camera centre the whole time, and he adorably thinks she’s not actually on The Apprentice, she’s instead off being a spy.
  • Helen’s nephew’s probably going to be quite disappointed
  • Helen’s niece might grow up feeling a little bit bitter and overshadowed I think
  • You’re you, and I’m me.
  • Jim thinks the most pertinent piece of life-advice he can give is “don’t let them give you any shit”. And yet he still wound up on this show.
  • Natasha used have an after-school job which she used to pay for her school-meals which would otherwise be free. Expect David Cameron to use this as an anecdote soon.
  • He might change the names though.
  • Jim’s mum, Stella’s gran, and Kristina’s ma all need to get together to decide once and for all who is the most terrifying Irish matriarch.
  • I feel somewhat vindicated in somewhat liking all of the Final Five. I know this is quite annoying. Sorry.

22 thoughts on “The Apprentice 7 – What I Learnt From “The Final Five”

  1. dalidebarthez

    Tom’s variety of hairstyles was shocking.

    Jim is sexy, but very, very evil. And also, a stalker.

    Susan is the cutest thing ever.

    Helen needs to be on Doctor Who as an alien.

    I’m nonplussed about Scribblings.

    This just about sums up what I learnt from the final five.

      1. dalidebarthez


        But I’m quite new to the show, so I’m glad I saw some of this. Haven’t actually seen the show since the Margate Homo-Orgy… crime? Y/N

  2. Ferny

    It’s always interesting to see the families of the candidates and they’re pretty much how I had expected them to be (Jim from big Irish family, Tom posh-ish, etc) but Helen’s was fascinating – I can’t believe it’s the same person. A blonde party girl to uptight control freak? Hmmm, maybe you are right about her transforming…

    1. monkseal Post author

      Tom’s family was the most upper middle-class I’ve ever seen. I can imagine the house interior and I’ve not even seen it.

  3. kate h

    I missed this. I hope they interviewed all of Helen’s former subs and gimps, and that Susan was born fully-formed out of an orchid.

  4. Jonny11

    Jim was playing Gaelic football where any player in any position can use their hands. Think he was a half-back

  5. Andrea

    Jim was a particularly ugly baby wasn’t he? Got quite a fright when his baby pic loomed into view.

    Also if you ever want to cast Shock Treatment to go along with your Rocky Horror cast, then helen would make a passable Jessica Harper.

    1. monkseal Post author

      But that would possibly have to involve Ruby Wax, and following her weirdness on You’re Fired, I’m not sure I want that.

  6. Paw

    Was anyone else thinking that Helen’s best friend was more-than-a-friend? For all the other candidates they brought out family and significant others (except the singletons Natasha and Tom) and those two didn’t have best friends on…

    1. Jess

      I’d wondered if it was heading in that direction too and had to do a double-take to check it said best friend instead of girlfriend. I’m not even sure why I thought that.

      I was really expecting that reveal for Scribbles though, so I’m disappointed her sexuality wasn’t confirmed but also happy I can still question it. Mainly because it makes her slightly less bland.

  7. kate h

    I’m just watching Helen’s biscuit bit now. The last time I went into Greggs they didn’t sell flapjacks. Bah!


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