The Apprentice 7 – Week 10 Summary

So, remember the shopping task? Remember the Wolf Spirit jacket? “SHEILA, HOW REGAL DO YOU LOOK?!”? Lorraine & Howard’s Chips Hour (MMMMMMMM CHIPS)? Simon Amrbose wanking off a trampoline? Well, even though it’s a biennial Apprentice favourite, this year it’s being lobbed in the bin, along with my credibility when I ran around twitter yelling “THEY’VE CANCELLED INTERVIEWS!” when in fact they’ve just been postponed a week. What are we getting in its place? Something similarly iconic? Yes? No.

Candidates (with Susan and Helen flipping between Logic and Venture and Tom getting a random rollicking whilst they’re in mid-air) are given a warehouse full of goods, and told to sell them. Then come back and buy some more of whatever sold. And then…maybe keep on doing this? To somewhere else? Maybe? Look, I’ll understand it when I watch it again, but this is sorely lacking the simple elegance of Naomi trying to sex it up in a wheelchair then getting fired for being a pretty girl.

Melody is PM for Logic(/Venture/Winning Women/Whatever I’ve lost track) because it’s been two and a half months since she last did it, and from what she remembers, she was quite good at it then, so why not? Well, why not is that Melody is broken, and has been for a while now. I think it started about when I decided I wanted her to win (just before Paris) and it’s not stopped. She sends Tom out to sell nodding dogs to kids in an adorable/mildly creepy (*check your ovaries for answers ladies*) way whilst she and Helen wander around fundamentally misunderstanding the concept of a pound shop like a Catherine Tate Nan sketch. The nodding dogs sell well, but it’s Tom so no one cares, and instead they restock duvets (for some guy who ends up being closed when they call back) and phone chargers. The important thing is that the thing from another dimension inside Helen realises it’s going to lose and goes mental, and Helen pours ugliness everywhere, trying to snatch PMship off Melody, freaking out in the Results Boardroom hurling abuse at her, and doing some sort of weird tribal dance when it sells a phone-changer. It’s a bit wrong, and therefore more interesting than she’s ever been, and THEREFORE completely ruins her chances of winning. Probably.

Over on Team Natasha though, she’s not about to let Melody walk away with the Crappy PM Of The Week prize, no, not at all. It’s kind of hard to identify WHAT Natasha does all day. The blue eyeshadow’s out again. She’s wearing a hat. That’s about it. Susan falls asleep on Day 1 and spends the rest of the time trying to shove mattresses through Kensington letterboxes so, whilst she pulls it together on Day 2, she also leaves Jim free to kick his REDEMPTION ARC into gear. You’d think the week he broke the Apprentice Sales Record would be the one to start with, but hey ho. He sells a lot, Nick likes him for the first time ever, he constantly tells Natasha to DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, but she ignores him in favour of saying “yeah?” 50 more times. They sell umbrellas, nodding dogs, and some bangles Susan picks up from a newsagent. Probably some other things as well. THE GLAMOUR.

In the end, it’s Team Natasha who come out on top, despite Lordalan giving them a fine for no reason, slagging them off viciously, refusing to give them a treat, and standing there repeatedly smacking Natasha round the face with a frying-pan screaming “WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!”. Naturally Natasha puts all this down to Susan for no earthly reason I can think of as they sit around Apprentice Mansions bitching about one another.

Final Boardroom sees Melody and Tom face off for the third week in a row, and clearly they’re both over it at this point. Helen trips over her own feet repeatedly when she’s asked to talk about what Old Helen did. Given that Old Helen was some mousy secretary who worked in Greggs and one day decided to apply to The Apprentice for a laugh to see how far she could get, like people always say they do on X Factor, before she…I don’t know, got shoved off a skyscraper by Christopher Walked and became Interstellar Catwoman or whatever happened…it’s no real surprise that New Helen doesn’t have a clue what to say. In the end Melody goes, probably because we’re getting too many Useless/Villain candidates stacking up at the end as it is. IF THIS SERIES WERE A PROPER ONE, SCRIBBLES HAS MADE INTERVIEWS, THINK ON THAT.

Really at this point nothing makes sense as a Final Two to me other than Jim vs Susan, so it’s OBVIOUSLY going to wind up being Helen vs a returning Felicity or something.


32 thoughts on “The Apprentice 7 – Week 10 Summary

  1. Tim

    What, no redemption arc for Tom as he whips off his glasses to reveal the blue-and-red suit underneath?

    Good God, just when you think things can’t possibly get any worse now that we have sorted the wheat for the chaff, we get quite possibly the worst PM performance of the season from Natasha – and she WINS. She failed to grasp the task rules. She didn’t sell. She tried to stop her teammates from doing things that were working.

    Tom dissing Melody at the end though – “Melody runs a business which, unsurprisingly, is all to do with talking” – was genius, though. But I still want to know what the amazingly successful democratic body she set up was. I’m thinking it has something to do with RObert Mugabe.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Tom don’t need no Redemption Arc, as he is Fan Favourite anyway. Also, he sold at about this level in Task One, but, after Helen’s claims to have come up with the fruit salad idea, I’m not sure WHAT happened way back then.

  2. Neio

    I felt sorry for Natasha during the biscuit task, but now it seems Jim and Helen were right to sideline her so thoroughly, as she was a complete see you next Tuesday this week (and next week too, to judge by the phone-snatching promo). Her blaming Susan for her missing the point was so thick-headed and stupid, I couldn’t believe it, even on The Apprentice.

    Helen (or the thing from another dimension that’s using her as a vessel) going batshit crazy was weird. It’s like she’s Jasmine on ‘Angel’, and we got a glimpse of the maggoty face under the radiant illusory one!

  3. kate h

    Helen was right about the lack of strategic thinking. Surely the ideal thing for a team of three is to have a permanent set up of two selling and one on restock runs? Or at the very least if you know you need duvet covers in the afternoon go and get them in the morning? (Helen, he’s closed, get out of the car, sell covers to passers-by, for they will fear thy wrath.)

    I seem to be alone in liking Natasha, but – for Helen’s sake – she’s pushing it. Never before in The Apprentice has Lord S. so clearly wanted to fire someone from the winning team. I’m beginning to wonder what it was I liked about her. Maybe it was just that in the battle of the Dour Lasses she had the now-expired advantage of being Not Zoe. Or possibly because ‘Covered’ set off my Lady Gaydar for the first time since Yasmina emerged onto a platform decorated with pink lightning bolts to the strains of ‘Danger! High Voltage!’

    1. monkseal Post author

      I wonder if production would allow one half of the team just to run back and forth all day, given how barren that would be for entertainment purposes. Unless they fell asleep obviously.

      1. kate h

        They could have insisted it was done on a rotating basis, to keep all the characters (and Natasha-Susan tensions) in play. There seemed to be times when everyone in a team was selling, or everyone in the team was shopping, and that struck me as an inefficient way of going about things given that they only had 2 days to do it.

  4. Ferny

    I can’t see any way it can’t be a Jim vs. Susan final either, and I think Susan will win even though I really don’t want her to to.

    Helen completely lost the plot this week and went full-on control freak at the prospect of maybe not winning. And Natasha I think realised she shouldn’t really be there anymore and totally freaked out. She was so out of her depth and the more clueless she was the more she lashed out and got weirdly defensive and patronising. Although the patronise-off between Jim and Natasha was hilarious (and Jim blates chose Natasha to PM over Susan to let her dig her own grave). That’s going to be a fun team next week.

    Alan has sooo wanted to get Natasha out for a few weeks at least now, so if her team loses next week (which seems likely) she is going to fly out that door so fast, yeah? I can even see Alan firing her even if she doesn’t lose…Although I still desperately want a Natasha vs. Margaret interview.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I don’t know that choosing Natasha to be PM was so much about setting her up to fail as it was that denying Susan of being Project Manager every week is the only fun these people are getting at the moment.

    2. kate h

      Susan in the final? I’m not sure that Lord Sugar wants a partner who might elope with Nick at a moment’s notice.

  5. Dee

    Helen thinking Melody was going to let her be PM just because she asked sort of nicely was utterly hilarious. The cracks are appearing in SuperHelen’s armour.

    Natasha was plain awful. I’m not even a Susan fan but blaming her for missing the point when it was Susan (and Jim’s) supersales skills that saved her ass even with the stupid fine was too stupid to believe.

    Jim was fun this week. I liked him purely for getting an actual smile out of Nick. When was the last time anyone did that? Though I look forward to seeing how Margaret deals with him in the interviews (it’ll be a true test of his powers).

    1. kate h

      Losing this week’s task was Helen’s equivalent of being hanged from a tree for three days and three nights in order to gain True Wisdom and Compassion. It’s the ordeal of enlightenment through which all messiahs must pass.

  6. consmot

    I think the squirmy dance marks the exact moment the Helen-entity abandons its host’s body and flees, gaseous, to possess a new salesperson.

      1. consmot

        Possibly Tom, given his newfound bite, but if I’m honest I’d rather believe Alex Britez Cabral is out there somewhere being hellishly slick and credible.

    1. min

      Would the entity go to Tom, though seeing as how he was apparently naughty to Helen in the boardroom? Surely entities have to have a bit of loyalty to ex-hosts?

      1. consmot

        I don’t think the Helen Entity has ever experienced the mortal phenomenon we call “emo-shun.” It’s parasitic, innit. Like a leech, or a ghost.

        I’d like the Helen Entity to get a redemption arc, though. Through possessing Tom’s now-unthinking husk, and seeing the world through his put-upon eyes, it learns how to feel sorrow, anger and – most importantly – love. Roll credits.

  7. melisande

    So, did anyone, anywhere, actually manage to find out which of the world’s largest democratic bodies Melody set up when she was 13?

    1. consmot

      Think it was the Youth Parliament, wasn’t it?

      My only real memory of the Youth Parliament was some bell-end at my school getting elected “MYP” ’cause he was the only one at the school who particularly cared enough to try. But good for her, I guess?

  8. Blackcanary

    *Holds a moment of remembrance for the shopping channel task*

    I’m genuinely not sure precisely what happened in this task but I am sure that Jim was bloody marvellous. Which isn’t something I say often. And I am equally sure that Natasha was really, really shit. No vintage cars for you!

    There was much eyebrow raising in my house at Tom and Melody’s ultra long hug. That thing went on for days.

    And much merriment at Headmistress Helen’s admonishment that he was ‘naughty’. I don’t get the impression that Helen is used to being criticised, albeit gently. Which gives me extreme hope for her trying to choke the first interviwer into unconsciousness who dares call her a glorified secretary…

    1. monkseal Post author

      I also noticed that the cameraman just said “sod it” and cut out halfway through the hug. I bet it went on FOR HOURS.

      1. Blackcanary

        Heh, yes! I bet the cleaner had to hoover round them!

        It was just a strikingly long cuddle for two people who didn’t appear very fond of each other. Where do I start the salacious and patently untrue rumour that they were having a steamy affair?!

      2. Ferny

        Maybe it wasn’t just a role play after all, maybe they’re lovers hahahahahhaaaa *shifty eyes*

  9. PadsterMo

    Part of me wonders if Helen spanked Tom for being naughty?

    I’m also a bit worried that Nick might want a Jim and Susan three way, given the boner he was sporting for Jim this week……


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