So, remember the shopping task? Remember the Wolf Spirit jacket? “SHEILA, HOW REGAL DO YOU LOOK?!”? Lorraine & Howard’s Chips Hour (MMMMMMMM CHIPS)? Simon Amrbose wanking off a trampoline? Well, even though it’s a biennial Apprentice favourite, this year it’s being lobbed in the bin, along with my credibility when I ran around twitter yelling “THEY’VE CANCELLED INTERVIEWS!” when in fact they’ve just been postponed a week. What are we getting in its place? Something similarly iconic? Yes? No.
Candidates (with Susan and Helen flipping between Logic and Venture and Tom getting a random rollicking whilst they’re in mid-air) are given a warehouse full of goods, and told to sell them. Then come back and buy some more of whatever sold. And then…maybe keep on doing this? To somewhere else? Maybe? Look, I’ll understand it when I watch it again, but this is sorely lacking the simple elegance of Naomi trying to sex it up in a wheelchair then getting fired for being a pretty girl.
Melody is PM for Logic(/Venture/Winning Women/Whatever I’ve lost track) because it’s been two and a half months since she last did it, and from what she remembers, she was quite good at it then, so why not? Well, why not is that Melody is broken, and has been for a while now. I think it started about when I decided I wanted her to win (just before Paris) and it’s not stopped. She sends Tom out to sell nodding dogs to kids in an adorable/mildly creepy (*check your ovaries for answers ladies*) way whilst she and Helen wander around fundamentally misunderstanding the concept of a pound shop like a Catherine Tate Nan sketch. The nodding dogs sell well, but it’s Tom so no one cares, and instead they restock duvets (for some guy who ends up being closed when they call back) and phone chargers. The important thing is that the thing from another dimension inside Helen realises it’s going to lose and goes mental, and Helen pours ugliness everywhere, trying to snatch PMship off Melody, freaking out in the Results Boardroom hurling abuse at her, and doing some sort of weird tribal dance when it sells a phone-changer. It’s a bit wrong, and therefore more interesting than she’s ever been, and THEREFORE completely ruins her chances of winning. Probably.
Over on Team Natasha though, she’s not about to let Melody walk away with the Crappy PM Of The Week prize, no, not at all. It’s kind of hard to identify WHAT Natasha does all day. The blue eyeshadow’s out again. She’s wearing a hat. That’s about it. Susan falls asleep on Day 1 and spends the rest of the time trying to shove mattresses through Kensington letterboxes so, whilst she pulls it together on Day 2, she also leaves Jim free to kick his REDEMPTION ARC into gear. You’d think the week he broke the Apprentice Sales Record would be the one to start with, but hey ho. He sells a lot, Nick likes him for the first time ever, he constantly tells Natasha to DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, but she ignores him in favour of saying “yeah?” 50 more times. They sell umbrellas, nodding dogs, and some bangles Susan picks up from a newsagent. Probably some other things as well. THE GLAMOUR.
In the end, it’s Team Natasha who come out on top, despite Lordalan giving them a fine for no reason, slagging them off viciously, refusing to give them a treat, and standing there repeatedly smacking Natasha round the face with a frying-pan screaming “WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!”. Naturally Natasha puts all this down to Susan for no earthly reason I can think of as they sit around Apprentice Mansions bitching about one another.
Final Boardroom sees Melody and Tom face off for the third week in a row, and clearly they’re both over it at this point. Helen trips over her own feet repeatedly when she’s asked to talk about what Old Helen did. Given that Old Helen was some mousy secretary who worked in Greggs and one day decided to apply to The Apprentice for a laugh to see how far she could get, like people always say they do on X Factor, before she…I don’t know, got shoved off a skyscraper by Christopher Walked and became Interstellar Catwoman or whatever happened…it’s no real surprise that New Helen doesn’t have a clue what to say. In the end Melody goes, probably because we’re getting too many Useless/Villain candidates stacking up at the end as it is. IF THIS SERIES WERE A PROPER ONE, SCRIBBLES HAS MADE INTERVIEWS, THINK ON THAT.
Really at this point nothing makes sense as a Final Two to me other than Jim vs Susan, so it’s OBVIOUSLY going to wind up being Helen vs a returning Felicity or something.