The Apprentice 7 – Week 9 Summary

Lordalan arrives at the house and tells the teams that they will be making biscuits, and then selling them to supermarkets, three pitches, whoever sells the most wins. Zoe (after a fight with Susan) and Helen are PMs, Melody and Zoe fight like cats in a sack all day, Helen is weak as water and Jim wins the entire task single-handedly, concept, manufacture, market research and pitching, everything, with sales of £1.6 million, severing finally and forever this show’s tenuous connection to reality, sending it off into the Phantom Zoe where whatever is currently possessing Helen lives. Team Zoe get nothing. No orders. None. Reward is to eat some cakes, Zoe gets fired, which would normally be the highlight of my tv viewing week but, well…

So that’s all the incidental, unimportant stuff covered.

TOM AND MELODY DO A ROLEPLAY! AS A PITCH! With props they have nicked from Apprentice Mansions! In which they are married! And he is covering his crotch with a cushion and they fight over what movies to watch and she implies that he enjoys “girly stuff” (ie wearing her knickers), and then they profess their love over biscuits as blowjob metaphors and Zoe descends on a cloud from heaven groaning “MADE IN SWANSEA!” and Susan just stands there but it’s STILL ALL AMAZING.

Then they go to Asda and IT ALL HAPPENS AGAIN, except this time Zoe and Melody are “best friends” with more seething barely repressed loathing between them than you’d find even in your average Boots advert, and Melody crams biscuits possibly laced with arsenic into Zoe’s face and Zoe winds up in some sort of digestive-induced coma burbling “I’M SPECIAL HEE HEE HEE!”.

There is no roleplay in the third pitch. This is definitely why they lose. Definitely.


20 thoughts on “The Apprentice 7 – Week 9 Summary

  1. Blackcanary

    The roleplay pitching was an absolute classic – I was still laughing all the way through my shower afterwards. I’m still giggling now!

    But Tom and Melody actually did their roleplay TWICE – you could see them doing it on different chairs at the second pitch. I’m deeply distressed we were denied the chance to see that moment of televisual awfulness/brilliance again…

    1. monkseal Post author

      Maybe it was X-rated the second time and Tom failed the Mull of Kintyre test and it couldn’t be aired.

      1. Blackcanary


        Although based on his slightly unhinged little moment in the car: “YOU AND ME LOVERS – HAHAHAHA!” I sensed more genuine fear than anything else!

      2. monkseal Post author

        Maybe he was scared the roleplay would end with her decaptiating him, as Melody does to all her lovers.

  2. joistmonkey

    Zoe was adorable on YBF. She was right to go (because she was clearly turning into ‘a bit of a mental’, and there’s only so far that not bullshitting and instead saying “Yes, I fucked up and shouldn’t have let solipsist delusional Melody and mad inventor Tom research and design my product, because it was shit” can take you) but I found her straight forwardness refreshing. Not in a cliched ‘tell it like it is’ manner, more ‘I will lose it and start yelling at you’ manner. But she came over nice on YBF, though perhaps I just like wrong’uns 🙂

    1. monkseal Post author

      If Zoe had been dressed as she was on You’re Fired for the whole series, I might have had fewer issues with her. Or at least different ones.

  3. Tim

    With acting skills like that, Tom and Melody clearly have a future in REALLY bad porn films.

    So, on a task where it was really quite important to get both the product and the branding right, Zoe was fired for not being able to clone herself. Not that she was ever going to win, but I think she can feel a bit hard done by, especially given Me-Me-Melody’s attitude. Last week, she believed four people who told her no one drives in Paris, and this week she dismisses a focus group who dislkied one of her ideas because they are just 10 out of 60 million people. O-kaaay.

    This was a horrible task. It was bloody genius to watch, though.

  4. Dee

    The roleplay has got to be one of the most awkward/awesome things on the show so far. And they actually thought it was a good idea. Bless them.

    I bet Susan for one was glad to have Melody on the team. Someone Zoe hated more than her? A miracle.

    I’m guessing it’s Helen’s to lose now. It’s just a shame she’s so beige.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m kind of disappointed we didn’t get any real Tom – Susan interaction, and they’re split up again next week. Clearly the IDEAL THING for the team would have been for Zoe & Melody to go to the factory-line together. That wouldn’t have resulted in any murders at all.

      1. min

        Cluedo biscuits. Could be a go-er – nothing like it on the market and if they wanted to go all Jim in the pitch it could be used as the advert ident thingy for Midsommer Murders and Miss Marple.

  5. Ferny

    There have been some pitching classics over the years (Rachel, Nargis etc) but Tom & Melody were sort of amazing – although the one with Melody and Zoe acting like ‘girl pals’ was just …wow. I’m not sure how Melody convinced anyone that this would win a pitch – maybe it should be Jedi Melody?

    Also, Jim is still my favourite and I really hope he wins…he’s just such an unashamed sweet-talker. There’s something missing though I think but I can’t quite put my finger on it – maybe it’s a lack of self-awareness or something? I like him anyway 🙂

    1. monkseal Post author

      Thing is from the previews I read, I knew roleplay was going to happen, but I’d envisioned that whoever was doing it (and I’ll be honest, I was imagining Natasha, and so would you, don’t lie) would try and get the people who they were pitching to involved. That Melody didn’t do that and was yet still somehow worse (and therefore, better) than I was imagining is truly a testiment to how “knuckle-in-gob” awful it was.

  6. FuTeffla

    The most unsettling thing about this episode is that the more I say Popsquit, the more it amuses me. By the weekend, it’ll start sounding like a genuinely brilliant word rather than some kind of diarrhoea euphemism. Popsquit. Heh.

    1. monkseal Post author

      It sounds like something someone out of a PG Wodehouse novel would say to an encroaching foreigner as a variation on “post haste”. You there! Get out of my gazebo, popsquit!

  7. JB

    Do I not recall a final chocolate task a couple of series back whereby the then Sir Alan let Yasmina off creating a whole load of chocolates that were about as tasty as vegan piss on the grounds that in real life people would come up with the branding first and worry about getting the product right second? I know ol’ Lord Sugar isn’t a great one for consistency, but that’s quite a switch!

    Plus was it only me who thought that aiming a luxury biscuit type as a treat for children (who as we know will eat any old cr**) was far more flawed than the supposed losers’ mistakes?

    1. monkseal Post author

      Yasmina’s basil addiction was a fierce impediment and tragic backstory, and I’m glad Lordalan didn’t judge her for it.

  8. PadsterMo

    Do you know what Bix Mix needed?


    Incidentally, I noticed Jim gave Kaen the explosion than Yasmina never managed to give to Margaret.


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