The Apprentice 7 – Week 8 Summary

Finally, after two long months of waiting, of struggle, of torment, a man rises. 5 weeks as a loser in a row, constantly ignored and derided by those around him, when his ideas were right every single time (or at least, that I can remember, I’m sure he was wrong about something once), Cassandra As A Boy finally gets his time in the sun. That’s right, it’s time for Tom to be Project Manager. Surely this will be the week when he proves all the hatahs wrong? All the Felicitys, the Vinnie Disneys, the Jims, the Natashas who heard him and did nothing. This time he’ll get a Project Manager who listens to him and lets him win the task for them? Well, as it turns out, no. Even thought that Project Manager is in fact Tom.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Because it’s FOREIGN TASK (French Variation, which is a bit of a shame, because we’ve done France before already, and there is really nothing more to see there once you’ve seen Paul Callaghan and Katie Hopkins dumping 500 tonnes of Makro cheese into the English Channel like industrial waste) and also NEW INVENTION task, which should be great for Tom, because he’s an inventor, and also his name sounds a bit French, so he should be away! Sadly it all goes a bit wrong from the off, as teams are unbalanced following last week’s cull, so St Helen is going back over to Venture to clean up all the mess that’s accrued over there whilst she’s been away. She slaps everyone on the wrist and tells them all to stop being so naughty and makes Zoe and Susan be friends and DON’T PUT THAT BLU-TAC IN SUZIE’S HAIR ZOE, JESUS CAN STILL SEE YOU AND KNOWS IT’S NOT AN ACCIDENT.

The task takes two days – the first with one half of the team staying in Britain and looking at bits of tat dumped in a warehouse, and the other half doing market research on…products they’ve never seen but…ok. FRANCE! HILARITY! PETIT POIS! LOL! IGNORE THE IDIOCY! On day 2, everyone’s off to Paris to try to shift the crap, partly to independent retailers, but mostly to La Redoute, who have the pleasure of having had Lordalan sit on them this week.

On Venture, a newly PMd Susan charges around her warehouse room burbling away pointing at things like Rain Man, wondering if the French drive, love children, feel pain, breathe air, wear clothes or have trees, whilst Zoe is eerily calm about the whole thing. Slack to be taken up therefore, this whole deal MORTALLY OFFENDS Kaen, who is seriously starting to reach now that she’s not following the losing team every week, and who puts on her perma bitch-face despite Susan being…totally right again. The next day everyone bumbles around Paris, with Susan’s entire sales-pitch being “I AM TINY WEE SMILEY SUSAN” as usual, so St Helen beams her increasingly terrifying holy light all over La Redoute who wind up giving her the entire GDP of France for the team’s baby car-seat cum backpacks. She has gone from zero to UTTERLY TERRIFYING in about 2 weeks flat. Unlike when Chris Bates broke the Apprentice all-time sales record, nobody bats an eyelid, because this is just how things are. This is Helen’s world, and we are just living in it, and on the seventh day of Helen being possessed by the Lord, which I think is Interviews by this show’s timeline, we’re all getting remade in her image. There is no escape.

So yeah, Tom and Melody are probably the only ones who can take St Helen and her blasted savant prophetess Susan out, if only they’d work in the combination of Melody shutting up and doing everything Tom tells her. This is the only way we’re getting out alive but sadly things work out…exactly the other way around. Because Tom’s spine is made out of pate, and Melody has suddenly decided she wants to be this series’ Claire/DebraBarr/Saira. Which means she very suddenly needs a Bluewater Massacre/Margate Homo-orgy/Tottenham Hotspur Megaphone Madness to atone for as part of her Redemption Arc. So what she does is completely ignore a focus group because she knows she’s right, lie through her plausibly deniable teeth at Tom because she knows she’s right, take on every pitch because she knows she’s right, and do no research on anything, because she knows she’s right. Sadly for her…she’s not right. Which is getting to be a thing with Melody, rather. Oops. Happily for my “continuing to like people I like” agenda, Tom and Natasha are super adorable together and play Hungry Hungry Hippos in the back of a Renault to decide who does the only important pitch of the day, or something. GOBBLE THOSE MARBLES!

Treat is to go up in a plane, to get just that one step closer to Helen, punishment is to go to a Boardroom Of The Business-Havers, where everyone there owns their own business, so you can’t play the patented Susan Ma “I’VE STARTED A BUSINESS FUCK YOU!” card. Although everyone there does so anyway. Tom claims to be bigger than Dyson, Melody dredges up her 5th form silver safety swimming award (SHE DOVE 10m (TWENTY TIMES HER HEIGHT!) AND PICKED UP A BRICK IN HER PYJAMAS!), and Leon…tells Lordalan that he drew a picture once. Of a teapot.

Bye Leon.


19 thoughts on “The Apprentice 7 – Week 8 Summary

  1. Tim

    So what did we learn this week? Me-Me-Melody can speak semi-fluent French. And extremely fluent Bullshit. Tom backs down even when he secretly knows he’s right. And he’s crap at paper-scissors-stone.

    I don’t think either team covered themselves in too much glory here, except for Invincible Helen. Apparently people drive in France. And it’s a good idea to sell a mobile phone accessory to mobile phone retailers. Who’d have thought it?

    At least Venture can say they were genuine high-fliers at last with their flying lesson reward …

    1. monkseal Post author

      I was so baffled by that mobile-phone thing. My attention drifted (that bit in the minimalist warehouse was so dull, sorry) and I had to ask my boyfriend what it was. Looked like some sort of Blue Peter make out of bits of old pipe-cleaner to me.

      1. Tim

        I think there may have been an old Fairy liquid bottle involved too. It was basically just a dumbed-down version of the flexible GorillaPod tripods you can get for cameras. Nothing particularly novel about it, just a variation on a clever product which has been around for a few years.

        I was just so disappointed nobody tried a “Good moaning” or a “Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once”. It would have amused me, anyway …

  2. min

    I quite liked Jim’s way of getting round the whole ‘not talking French’ thing – which just seemed to be talking English with a French accent.

    Watch and learn Leon, watch and learn.

  3. Dee

    I’m hoping the showgods somehow conspire to give me a Jim v/s Melody boardroom. For some reason I see it being awesome.

    I almost wish Susan’s team had lost because I think Kaen and Nick facing off over her soul would have been hilarious.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I don’t think I could have taken another Susan vs Zoe/Jim/Both boardroom after last week. I still need some hope in humanity ( you know, the sort provided by Melody in general, and Leon going “I drawed a teapot Lordalan!”)

  4. Neio

    I kind of love and hate Melody in equal measure despite (or more probably because of) her being so delusional. She does only hears what she wants to hear, doesn’t she? I had to laugh when she got back to the house and she was boasting about Lord S listing her many awards and how commendable they were… which wasn’t quite what he was getting at I think.

    I do feel a bit sorry for Tom, whose instinct was right yet again, and yet he still didn’t get heard, despite being project manager. Ouch.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I love Melody, but I try to love most of them, because writing these things is much easier if I tell myself I do.

      Except Zoe obviously.

  5. consmot

    Really don’t like Melody. At all. Was indifferent-to-positive about her, and then in the space of an hour that turned right on its head. Spiteful woman.

    I’d argue that she shat more bullshit in this episode alone than Jim and StuBaggs managed to squeeze out over two series, and yet ’cause it’s to her teammates (i.e. colleagues) rather than to the Lord Himself, and ’cause she sold about 5% as much as Helen did, he decides he’s quite fond of Melody, but talks down to Jim for expressing a perfectly valid opinion.

    Still. At least Tom’s still in. Would’ve liked him to win his first task as PM, though. Or at least get sales. If Leon wasn’t there, or if Tom had been in the boardroom before, he would’ve certainly been fired. For being too nice to disarm the time bomb he’d been saddled with.

    Dear me, this week was possibly the most depressing since S4E4. Even the (yes, adorable!) rock paper scissors didn’t mitigate it.

    (Speaking of which – the noise Natasha makes in the clip on You’re Fired is different from the noise she makes in the episode proper. They played LOADS of Rock Paper Scissors! They probably did a whole championship and only showed us a single match! Trying to keep the precious Tom vs. Natasha Rock Paper Scissors pokemon league all for themselves.)

    1. monkseal Post author

      Lordalan does seem to accept Melody’s sort of personality more easily from women than from men. I don’t know why. Then again, a lot of Lordalan’s views on WIMMINS ISHOOEZ go a bit over my head.

  6. *Nonce*?!

    Monkseal, I seem to have offended you pretty severely, so for that I’m truly sorry. Whatever it was, I didn’t mean to be insulting. But seriously, “Nonce”? Where on earth did that come from? That was a pretty low blow. I suggest you think more carefully before launching loaded verbal insults like that in future. Just saying. By all means block this IP if you feel you need to, but I assure you it won’t be necessary – I’m GONE.

    1. monkseal Post author

      If you’re still here, can I ask where you saw this? I don’t think I’ve ever called anyone a nonce in my life – did a quick word search and couldn’t find anything. I asked around on twitter and some people said it might be related to this, which isn’t anything to do with me personally I assure you. Sorry for any offence caused.

  7. kate h

    Part of the fascination for me the seres is seeing how long Helen can keep her winning streak up. No one’s ever been 8-0 up before. In a way I’m less interested to see if she’ll win than if she’s manage a perfect 10.

    Though if she does, I imagine Lord Sugar will fire her at the interview stage because he doesn’t feel like he’s seen enough of her…

    1. monkseal Post author

      I think if she wins all 10 it might be impossible to fire her. Like, Lordalan might try, but in the effort he would just dissipate into starlight, like Kylie Minogue at the end of “Dr Who : Titanic In Space (WITH KYLIE!)”

    2. consmot

      I’d like to think that the Curse of Karren was caused by Helen going back in time and stealing Karren’s should’ve-been-victories. She’s omnipotent, so she can do that, probably.

  8. Ferny

    I sort of loved Leon this episode just wandering around in being awe at everything in France, and in awe of someone speaking another language. He just gave up really didn’t he and had a nice little trip to Paris, completely ignoring any competition element whatsoever. He came across as a complete beginner to the business world (and the world in general). It was quite endearing in a way.

    Melody completely sabotaged the task really and probably still doesn’t realise the loss had anything to do with her – however, in comparison to Leon, Tom and Natasha, she pretty much did everything so she couldn’t have been fired.

    I still like Jim and am baffled by Jim-hate (especially compared to Susan-like) and I’m getting increasingly nervous of a Susan victory.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I liked when he put his only bit of effort in, to swap items with Melody because the teapot was selling better and he wanted a slice, and then she outsold him in the very next pitch and he just kind of giggled in awe at how very much better she is than him.


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