Finally, after two long months of waiting, of struggle, of torment, a man rises. 5 weeks as a loser in a row, constantly ignored and derided by those around him, when his ideas were right every single time (or at least, that I can remember, I’m sure he was wrong about something once), Cassandra As A Boy finally gets his time in the sun. That’s right, it’s time for Tom to be Project Manager. Surely this will be the week when he proves all the hatahs wrong? All the Felicitys, the Vinnie Disneys, the Jims, the Natashas who heard him and did nothing. This time he’ll get a Project Manager who listens to him and lets him win the task for them? Well, as it turns out, no. Even thought that Project Manager is in fact Tom.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Because it’s FOREIGN TASK (French Variation, which is a bit of a shame, because we’ve done France before already, and there is really nothing more to see there once you’ve seen Paul Callaghan and Katie Hopkins dumping 500 tonnes of Makro cheese into the English Channel like industrial waste) and also NEW INVENTION task, which should be great for Tom, because he’s an inventor, and also his name sounds a bit French, so he should be away! Sadly it all goes a bit wrong from the off, as teams are unbalanced following last week’s cull, so St Helen is going back over to Venture to clean up all the mess that’s accrued over there whilst she’s been away. She slaps everyone on the wrist and tells them all to stop being so naughty and makes Zoe and Susan be friends and DON’T PUT THAT BLU-TAC IN SUZIE’S HAIR ZOE, JESUS CAN STILL SEE YOU AND KNOWS IT’S NOT AN ACCIDENT.
The task takes two days – the first with one half of the team staying in Britain and looking at bits of tat dumped in a warehouse, and the other half doing market research on…products they’ve never seen but…ok. FRANCE! HILARITY! PETIT POIS! LOL! IGNORE THE IDIOCY! On day 2, everyone’s off to Paris to try to shift the crap, partly to independent retailers, but mostly to La Redoute, who have the pleasure of having had Lordalan sit on them this week.
On Venture, a newly PMd Susan charges around her warehouse room burbling away pointing at things like Rain Man, wondering if the French drive, love children, feel pain, breathe air, wear clothes or have trees, whilst Zoe is eerily calm about the whole thing. Slack to be taken up therefore, this whole deal MORTALLY OFFENDS Kaen, who is seriously starting to reach now that she’s not following the losing team every week, and who puts on her perma bitch-face despite Susan being…totally right again. The next day everyone bumbles around Paris, with Susan’s entire sales-pitch being “I AM TINY WEE SMILEY SUSAN” as usual, so St Helen beams her increasingly terrifying holy light all over La Redoute who wind up giving her the entire GDP of France for the team’s baby car-seat cum backpacks. She has gone from zero to UTTERLY TERRIFYING in about 2 weeks flat. Unlike when Chris Bates broke the Apprentice all-time sales record, nobody bats an eyelid, because this is just how things are. This is Helen’s world, and we are just living in it, and on the seventh day of Helen being possessed by the Lord, which I think is Interviews by this show’s timeline, we’re all getting remade in her image. There is no escape.
So yeah, Tom and Melody are probably the only ones who can take St Helen and her blasted savant prophetess Susan out, if only they’d work in the combination of Melody shutting up and doing everything Tom tells her. This is the only way we’re getting out alive but sadly things work out…exactly the other way around. Because Tom’s spine is made out of pate, and Melody has suddenly decided she wants to be this series’ Claire/DebraBarr/Saira. Which means she very suddenly needs a Bluewater Massacre/Margate Homo-orgy/Tottenham Hotspur Megaphone Madness to atone for as part of her Redemption Arc. So what she does is completely ignore a focus group because she knows she’s right, lie through her plausibly deniable teeth at Tom because she knows she’s right, take on every pitch because she knows she’s right, and do no research on anything, because she knows she’s right. Sadly for her…she’s not right. Which is getting to be a thing with Melody, rather. Oops. Happily for my “continuing to like people I like” agenda, Tom and Natasha are super adorable together and play Hungry Hungry Hippos in the back of a Renault to decide who does the only important pitch of the day, or something. GOBBLE THOSE MARBLES!
Treat is to go up in a plane, to get just that one step closer to Helen, punishment is to go to a Boardroom Of The Business-Havers, where everyone there owns their own business, so you can’t play the patented Susan Ma “I’VE STARTED A BUSINESS FUCK YOU!” card. Although everyone there does so anyway. Tom claims to be bigger than Dyson, Melody dredges up her 5th form silver safety swimming award (SHE DOVE 10m (TWENTY TIMES HER HEIGHT!) AND PICKED UP A BRICK IN HER PYJAMAS!), and Leon…tells Lordalan that he drew a picture once. Of a teapot.