I don’t know if anyone watched the sitcom “Nathan Barley” (s’alright) but the editor of the facile laddish ironic hipster magazine was called Jonattan Yeah?
I think it’s obvious where that analogy was going before it was halfway over yeah?
The task this week is to create a new freesheet magazine, and to recoup lots and lots of money in advertising. This is almost an exciting new direction for The Apprentice, but then it devolves into the usual “design a product then do three pitches” stuff. Ah well. Project Managers are Natasha and a newly Venturised Jim, because Lordalan makes them. Or, more accurately, Lordalan makes Tom not do it. That makes seven weeks now, the longest anyone’s ever gone on this show before Project Managing. I’m sure there’s some sort of dark purpose why. Definitely. IT’S A PLAN.
Natasha swiftly takes a newly Logicked (in name only) Leon and Melody under her wing and tells them of her idea for “Covered”. It’s a lads mag for high-powered businessmen who work hard and play (with themselves) hard yeah? It’ll feature lots of pictures of tits, articles about tits, written by tits, about tits, and for tits yeah? But, so we’re not too seedy (yeah?) we can pretend we’re about serious business, like the tasks of tv gameshow The Apprentice and also blowing of your load. Meaning money. Definitely. Also fun tips on business matters like how to make a thousand in a day (drugs? I’m guessing drugs yeah?) and how to dispose of the hooker’s corpse that accidentally was process loss from a hard night’s business meetings yeah? Leon agrees because he is HETEROSEXUAL AND ENJOYS TITS, and Melody agrees because she had an independent thought last week and look how that turned out yeah? Majority established Natasha straps Helen and Tom, playing the role of Ned & Maude Flanders throughout, to a rocket and blasts them into the Phantom Zone, never to be seen again.
At the same time over on Venture, Jim has been formally introduced to Zoe (oh joy) and decides to go for the notoriously lucrative and coveted market of the over 60s. Susan is horrified, because Susan was scared by the ever-present prospect of aging, decline and death represented by Edna (36), let alone ACTUAL COFFIN DODGERS and spends the whole task clearly feeling physically sick at all this wrinkled puckered useless old flesh. Fortunately for Jim, Glenn and Zoe are quite happy to pick up the slack and choke the ever-loving crap out of the entire magazine concept with a litany of truly horrific puns and slogans and “concepts” and photos that make it sounds like the magazine is about taking old people and processing them into Soylent Green after ripping their hips out for the marrow. OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW!
When it comes to pitching time, everyone’s at the upper end of awul, and to be honest it mostly serves as an unholy nexus for Natasha to form her biggest dung-beetle ball of awful words around yet. There’s an “uber”. There’s an “it is what it is”. It’s special. Leon stumbles all over his words as per usual, Glenn tries to improv his first ever pitch on the spot and…it goes about as well as you’d expect, and Jim decides to play hard-ball with a bunch of people who are already throwing him the lifebelt of being willing to see the “gap in the market” his idea represents which is obscured from view currently by all the weeds he, Glenn and Zoe set up to hide it. This does not go down well, to the extent that his team lose, horribly, by a terrifying margin of pretend money. The reward for Logic is to poke one another with sticks, proving Helen a liar last week for when she told Tom the treats only got better. Although on the plus side it did inspire Tom to propel himself to having only the second worst on-task record of all candidates. NICE MOTIVATING HELEN.
In the Final Boardroom Jedi Jim’s Jedi mind-tricks go so astray they push him right out the other side and make him the “so bullishly awful at manipulating smoothly he’s kept on for the LOLS” candidate. Maybe that was his intention ALL ALONG (no, no it wasn’t). Back with him in the boardroom are Susan and Glenn, and nothing can be heard for the whole thing over the side of Nick bellowing his love for Susan. It’s super-embarrassing to the extent that I wonder why it was even left in the edit. Same with Kaen revealing that she thinks Jim is “passive-aggressive”, by which same token she probably considers being stabbed in the actual face with an actual knife to be “passive aggressive”.
Oh, and Glenn goes home. *shrug* Something to do with engineers. Who knows?