The Apprentice 7 – Week 7 Summary

I don’t know if anyone watched the sitcom “Nathan Barley” (s’alright) but the editor of the facile laddish ironic hipster magazine was called Jonattan Yeah?

I think it’s obvious where that analogy was going before it was halfway over yeah?

The task this week is to create a new freesheet magazine, and to recoup lots and lots of money in advertising. This is almost an exciting new direction for The Apprentice, but then it devolves into the usual “design a product then do three pitches” stuff. Ah well. Project Managers are Natasha and a newly Venturised Jim, because Lordalan makes them. Or, more accurately, Lordalan makes Tom not do it. That makes seven weeks now, the longest anyone’s ever gone on this show before Project Managing. I’m sure there’s some sort of dark purpose why. Definitely. IT’S A PLAN.

Natasha swiftly takes a newly Logicked (in name only) Leon and Melody under her wing and tells them of her idea for “Covered”. It’s a lads mag for high-powered businessmen who work hard and play (with themselves) hard yeah? It’ll feature lots of pictures of tits, articles about tits, written by tits, about tits, and for tits yeah? But, so we’re not too seedy (yeah?) we can pretend we’re about serious business, like the tasks of tv gameshow The Apprentice and also blowing of your load. Meaning money. Definitely. Also fun tips on business matters like how to make a thousand in a day (drugs? I’m guessing drugs yeah?) and how to dispose of the hooker’s corpse that accidentally was process loss from a hard night’s business meetings yeah? Leon agrees because he is HETEROSEXUAL AND ENJOYS TITS, and Melody agrees because she had an independent thought last week and look how that turned out yeah? Majority established Natasha straps Helen and Tom, playing the role of Ned & Maude Flanders throughout, to a rocket and blasts them into the Phantom Zone, never to be seen again.

At the same time over on Venture, Jim has been formally introduced to Zoe (oh joy) and decides to go for the notoriously lucrative and coveted market of the over 60s. Susan is horrified, because Susan was scared by the ever-present prospect of aging, decline and death represented by Edna (36), let alone ACTUAL COFFIN DODGERS and spends the whole task clearly feeling physically sick at all this wrinkled puckered useless old flesh. Fortunately for Jim, Glenn and Zoe are quite happy to pick up the slack and choke the ever-loving crap out of the entire magazine concept with a litany of truly horrific puns and slogans and “concepts” and photos that make it sounds like the magazine is about taking old people and processing them into Soylent Green after ripping their hips out for the marrow. OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW!

When it comes to pitching time, everyone’s at the upper end of awul, and to be honest it mostly serves as an unholy nexus for Natasha to form her biggest dung-beetle ball of awful words around yet. There’s an “uber”. There’s an “it is what it is”. It’s special. Leon stumbles all over his words as per usual, Glenn tries to improv his first ever pitch on the spot and…it goes about as well as you’d expect, and Jim decides to play hard-ball with a bunch of people who are already throwing him the lifebelt of being willing to see the “gap in the market” his idea represents which is obscured from view currently by all the weeds he, Glenn and Zoe set up to hide it. This does not go down well, to the extent that his team lose, horribly, by a terrifying margin of pretend money. The reward for Logic is to poke one another with sticks, proving Helen a liar last week for when she told Tom the treats only got better. Although on the plus side it did inspire Tom to propel himself to having only the second worst on-task record of all candidates. NICE MOTIVATING HELEN.

In the Final Boardroom Jedi Jim’s Jedi mind-tricks go so astray they push him right out the other side and make him the “so bullishly awful at manipulating smoothly he’s kept on for the LOLS” candidate. Maybe that was his intention ALL ALONG (no, no it wasn’t). Back with him in the boardroom are Susan and Glenn, and nothing can be heard for the whole thing over the side of Nick bellowing his love for Susan. It’s super-embarrassing to the extent that I wonder why it was even left in the edit. Same with Kaen revealing that she thinks Jim is “passive-aggressive”, by which same token she probably considers being stabbed in the actual face with an actual knife to be “passive aggressive”.

Oh, and Glenn goes home. *shrug* Something to do with engineers. Who knows?


24 thoughts on “The Apprentice 7 – Week 7 Summary

  1. Paw

    Brilliant episode, mainly for the Incidental Character Rugger Bugger Orgy and the Incidental Character Advertising Tom Hardy Lookalikee

  2. Tim

    Okay, it was the standard “three pitches” format with the usual “it all turns around on the result of the last pitch” sting, but this was still Advertising Task-level funny, I thought.

    “Lads’ magazines are about lads, yeah?” With wisdom like that, it’s easy to see how Natasha was the winning PM this week, yeah?

    And Leon went up in my estimation when he got away with his “Let’s just hope you can actually do the full pitch without getting interrupted” comment to Natasha.

    1. monkseal Post author

      It was a little like they’ve been saving up Natasha all series just for this task specifically.

  3. min

    It’s all getting a bit odd – it’s getting so I think that LudAlun is only keeping Susan in for Nick. It’s turning into a wierd hybrid of Apprentelor or something. Wonder what the final boardroom partnership offer is really about! – and also if Gavin knows that Nick is treading on his turf.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m starting to hope Mrs Hewer appears as a SURPRISE INTERVIEWER and handbags the life out of her.

  4. Dee

    They made me side with ZOE! I’m not happy about that. Jim should have been fired for that alone.

    Nick’s not so secret crush basically kept Susan in this week. I don’t get it myself, she seems kind of whiny to me.

    1. Tim

      Susan IS whiny and has a real attitude problem when things don’t go her way, but she does seem to have decent business instincts (notwithstanding her over-optimism on the beauty task). The thing for me is that Sugar is looking for a business to invest in. Tom is an inventor. Leon has a business. So does Susan – and in a market (beauty) which Sugar has dabbled in before. For me, I will be surprised if those three plus Helen don’t make at least the final five – even though I personally dislike Susan and Leon.

      1. Neio

        I agree, Susan does seem to have better business instincts than a lot of them, but the others just don’t want to hear it (especially Moaner Lisa Zoe). Even though Jim did eventually drop the ad prices from the rate card, he didn’t really give Susan the credit for being the one who was saying they had to slash the prices.

        Even as someone who’s always kind of fancied having a go at fencing, that reward was a bit crap (although the Martinis looked nice). Considering there was fencing and Martinis, maybe it was part of some bigger ‘re-enact Die Another Day’ reward, which also included implausibly surfing on CGI wreckage, listening to badly vocodered theme tunes and watching Madonna trying to act.

      2. monkseal Post author

        I think Helen’s being set up for the firing I initially though Jim was going to get – you’re good, but you’re not right (given the change in prize). I’d be intrigued to see what her business idea is anyway.

  5. FuTeffla

    I sometimes idly wonder how long I could be in a room with Natasha before gnawing my own face off in sheer frustration at everything she a) says b) does, and c) is.

    I think Jim hasn’t been fired yet for fear he will go full-on axe crazy and make a suit out of Lordalan’s skin.

  6. durnovarian

    I still can’t quite believe one agency bought a load of space in Natasha’s mag (which all three agencies panned) and none in Jim’s (which all three seemed to agree had potential even if they didn’t like the name and cover). Even the non-discount argument doesn’t seem quite to account for such a volte-face. I’d love to know what ended on the cutting-room floor….

  7. joistmonkey

    I think Helen looked nice with her hair down.
    That’s facile, I know, but about as good as I can do.
    The sheer falseness of the tasks (“come up with, research, create, market and sell a product in a ridiculously false two-day period.. when if anyone had any sense they’d spend a lot more time on it all, but we can’t because it’s a game show”) is starting to grate a little. I know it’s essentially entertainment and thus inherantly false, but when most of the screw-ups don’t really seem like the sort of thing that’d really happen in business.. it’s a bit ‘not good’.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I think the problem is partly that, after he got made Pointless Labour Business Or Something Tsar, Lordalan seems to think it’s his job to inspire the proles into starting up their own businesses by showing us all how “easy” it is. So he’s trying to make the world mirror the “real world of business” more and more, and in doing so obviously it gets further away. When “buy ten tasks” is a gameshow game, it seems more realistic than when it’s connected to some rubbish fake storyline about the opening of the Savoy.

  8. PadsterMo

    Am I mistaken, or did Jim say (outside the cafe) that as Zoe had initially suggested Hip Replacement she was to blame for the failure of the task, when he used the reverse of that argument for EveryDog?

    Thought they were a bit unfair on ‘Bambi’. Yes, she’s a whiny brat but she did say she didn’t like the name and she did say ti cut the prices.

    Has curse of Logic transformed into curse of Nick?

    Finally, can Smug Magazine Advertising Bitch join the interview panel alongside Smug Organza Bitch?

    1. Tim

      He did say exactly that, something that was picked up on in You’re Fired.

      Susan was right to suggest slashing prices – anyone who’s ever worked in publishing, advertising or marketing should know that NO ONE pays rate-card – but then that seems to be her solution to most problems. As Sugar kept reminding the candidates last year, any blahhdy idiot can sell if you drop the price low enough, but we seem to be ignoring that particular point this year.

  9. Ferny

    Tom and Helen are totally Ned and Maude Flanders! They are currently my faves along with Jim still and Natasha surprisingly, just for the lols.

    I can’t actually believe Susan gets a relatively positive reaction whilst everyone hates Jim. Jim is very competent and is the type of guy who I think would go far in business. I also think he’s essentially a good guy if a bit manipulative. OTOH Susan is whiny and just so annoying. I have a dread that Nick will fight to keep her in for the final, or even to win (bleurghh).

    The whole Nick-Susan thing is just gross. Are the editors trying to set Nick up or has noone noticed how it looks?! Ew.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I can’t remember any Nick/Margaret/Kaen going to bat quite so frequently for one candidate. It’s gotten to the stage where it almost feels like Nick is doing most of Susan’s arguing for her when, when she drops the “it’s not faiiiiiiiiiir” shit, she’s perfectly capable of doing for herself.


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