Previously on The Apprentice : a double firing. Weeks on this series of The Apprentice where a double firing would have been more satisfying : all of them, including this one, except maybe when Felicity went.
Sometime in the am now (Helpful Voiceover Man is sleeping in by the looks of it), and dawn breaks over Apprentice Mansions. Phone Answering Wars is
going Edna. It’s nice that she’s going down in a blaze of glory anyway. If you ignore the hair. As Jim’s crotch says hello upstairs, which isn’t being screencapped, because I have standards, Giant It tells Edna that the cars will be there in 20 minutes to take them to Smugglers Way. Candidates are to turn up in protective clothing and steel toe-capped boots. I’m sorry, but this already sounds like some sort of weird sex task. Which normally I’d be all in favour of, but without Vinnie Disney there it just doesn’t feel right. I’m already sad that the construction task is appearing just after Ellie got fired. You can tell she was sat at home the whole time this was airing just FUMING. Why couldn’t they have swapped this task and that stupid one where she had to give giggling teenage boys deep massages around?
Anyway, Edna skulks up to tell her girls the deal, and Susan
full on despairs that someone as sweet and smiley as her has to wear steel toe-caps. S’alright Suzie, you can paint little daisies on them in acrylic paints. Melody similarly is already looking at her bovver-boots
like they’re covered in dog-shit. She’s not happy at having to deglam herself either (although note she’s not running around afraid that it’s going to make her husband think she’s a raving lezz and dump her, Leon.) Fortunately for morale, Edna burbles, all randomly cocker-nee that she finks vair gunna be on a CANSTRACSHUN SAAAAAAHT, surrounded by hot men *fans self*.
Edna’s MPD is so fascinating. I really want a “United States Of Edna” please. Toni Collette can still play the title roll. She’s versatile. Outside on the landing, Tom asks a member of Rage Against The Machine
to stamp up and down on his feet, so they can all laugh about how it does hurt. Oh, wait, that’s Natasha. Grungey.
Everyone tramps outside to the Apprenticar in their fluorescent vests and ninja-shoes (I’m hoping they secretly turn out to be Rosa Klebb shoes and the task is in fact a knife-fight in an abandoned factory as Matt Munro croons “From Russia With Love” in the background.)
and in Logic Apprenticar B, Melody
DEMANDS that Jim tell her why the Curse Of Logic is? What is it about the name “Logic” that’s dragged her from her perch as early Boss Bitch down to a lowly subteam scrubber whilst the likes of Helen (who?), Susan (why?) and EDNA (what?) lord it around as Lady Mucks of the Manor. Jim has nothing to say, as Melody starts burbling manically about how SHE created Venture. It was HER name. Dumb old Helen wanted to go with Girlvanise or whatever, and now SHE’S reaping all the benefits of Melody’s l33t team-naming skills? NO. NOT ALLOWED.
The cars roll up to Smugglers Way which is in fact not a picturesque guest-house, but an opportunity to learn what
Yasmina’s getting up to now. Not really of course, Yasmina is doing nothing, because SHE GONE AND GOT HERSELF UP THE BLAHDDY DUFF LIKE ALL WOMEN EH LORDALAN? This is just a common-or-garden waste-disposal set-up, not Amstrash or whatever stupid name he’d call it. Speaking of which, Lordalan is rolling up now, and instead of a standard “Lordalan’s not going bald” show, we get a
gratuitous crotch-shot instead. STILL GOT IT, LADIES! Kaen meanwhile
has stolen Edna’s gloves, and as such is unlikely to see the end of the task in alive.
Lordalan bids the team good morning, and tells them that he’s about to prove to them that they can make money out of just about anything. And in this case “anything” is household waste. London produces 55,000 tonnes of rubbish per day, but only 20% of this gets taken away by binmen. The rest is turned into modernist art installations in Shoreditch. The teams job this week is to do us all a favour and stop that from happening. They’ll be hunting down scrap, disposing of it responsibly, and making a profit on the way. Also one of them per team will be given the job of warding off Sarah Lucas and Michael Landy with cricket bats. Tom looks on, concerned, resembling a
human-sized Subbuteo piece more and more with every second.
Our next order of business is that the teams are seriously “unbalanced” :
and will be remaining so until Edna gets fired in 50 minutes time. Until then, Helen, do a little sidestep and become a Logic for us, there’s a dear. Helen shuffles neatly over the edge of the abyss that is Logic, and smiles gamely about her, like a virtuous missionary sent to save a particularly backwards tribe of troublesome cannibalistic heathens from sin. Tom looks at her as if to say
“you have no idea”. Teams are dispatched, and Helpful Voiceover Man informs us that both teams have two days, and a “one-ton tipper” (from Teddington)
to carry out this task. He then gets very literal, telling us that teams will be collecting
and then tipping it
, after removing any shiny valuable items
in the hopes of making a profit.
Jesus Christ, this is so visually patronising I feel like I’m watching BBC News or something.
In Logic Apprenticar B, Tom tells Jim that he’s heard metal is very valuable currently. Also diamonds, and oil, and antiques, and racehorses. Game Of Life can be so informative. At the same time in Logic Apprenticar A, Natasha is telling everyone that she has worked in construction and property for the last seven years yeah, so she’ll be really good at this, yeah?
First stop for the teams is this chap,
Incidental Character Boyfriend Jason, the Owner of Anyjunk. Anyjunk started five years ago with just a van, solving mysteries, and now has an annual turnover of £5 million in the waste disposal industry. Incidental Character Boyfriend Jason has hyperactive eyebrows, and tells the teams all about how he charges people to remove their waste, then spends less money on dumping it, thereby turning a profit. This is all very sweet, a bit like if Ruth Bader Ginsberg had given Callista Flockhart a brief pep talk before she took on the role of Ally McBeal. It’s a nice introductory outline of the role you’ll be play-pretending at, but ultimately pointless given the super artificiality of what’s to come.
Everyone nods along happily, Susan thinks about kittens eating noodles.
This over with, it’s time for Venture to pick a leader. By which I mean “it’s time for Glenn and Leon to try to out-man one another with stories about their Saturday jobs from when they were 17, riding along in some…van…doing…something manual and blokey like they’re in any way relevant”. Susan chimes in to say that she’s a girl and therefore has never done anything so manly (*Edna giggles merrily*), her Saturday job was collecting honeydew for the elves from Buttercup Meadows, but she’ll be PM if nobody else wants to do it? Zoe then honks in, like the low-key fart-note of discontent she’s been for a whole month now, grumping that RIGHT, SHE’LL DO IT IF NO-ONE ELSE IS GOING TO.
So basically, what Susan just said, but acting like she’s doing everyone a favour. Leon asks if they should take a vote on it, Zoe drones back that they can AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T TAKE AN HOUR OF TALKING ABOUT IT, then everyone assents that she can be leader. Great.
Zoe then droneterviews
that she joined a drinks company two years ago that was well rubbish, and made it good. So there.
Meanwhile, Logic are also deciding their leader,
stuck in a stock-cupboard somewhere as befits their lowly status. Melody begs earnestly for deliverance from this losing streak, imploring only people who think they can win to step forward. Helen does so, saying that she has a strategy of being organised and getting things done. Kaen looks
sceptical, but this strategy has excited Natasha so much that she starts gesticulating
and banging the table like one of the chimps from 2001 : A Space Odyssey. WE NEED HELEN! HELEN WILL SAVE US ALL! GLORY BE TO THE HIGHEST HELEN.
Helen is duly elected leader, and everyone builds a little statue made of papier mache and goat’s blood to Helen in the hope that it will appease her, their new God. Tom offers forth his idea of hunting down metal and selling it on because of it’s high resale value. Helen sees this idea, and she sees that it is good. And lo, she does tell her flock that she has won her last five, and she is not losing this one, certainly not to bloody Edna.
1:30pm now, and time for a team split. Half of each team will be visiting clients that Lordalan has sat on, and the other half is taking their one ton tipper from Teddington out for a test-drive to see what they can find.
On the hunts for tradesmen for Venture, but
not in a gay way, are Glenn and Leon. Glenn says that’s he’s not being funny (or interesting,ever) right, but if he sees a tradesman with his junk out, Glenn’s just gonna grab it. Seize the moment. Glenn spots this particular tradesman hanging out in a cafe,
but IT TURNS OUT HE’S IN THE JUNK DISPOSAL BUSINESS HIMSELF, SO NO USE TO THEM. HA HA HA. SUCH A COINCIDENCE! (that certainly doesn’t happen in some form in 90% of this sort of task).
Meanwhile, Tom and Jim are the street-team for Logic and are
driving down various streets in the suburbs with Jim bellowing down a loudhailer about how he’s COME FOR YOUR RUBBISH! This is a pretty fruitless approach, even when Jim takes it to the level of
sitting outside individual houses bellowing “NUMBER SEVENTY THREE! NUMBER SEVENTY THREE! WITH THE SKIP OUTSIDE! NUMBER SEVENTY THREE!”. Don’t go giving the Jehovah’s Witness’ ideas Jim. (“NUMBER FIFTY! NUMBER FIFTY! I SEE SATAN IN YOUR WINDOWS NUMBER FIFTY, COME OUT AND FACE THE LORD!”). Tom finds an abandoned BBQ outside someone’s house and asks Jim if they can just nick it. Daddy Jim says no.
These quasi-senile physical ramblings in full flow, it’s to revisit the halves of the teams on their way to visit the two clients Lordalan has sat on. Eahc has rubbish to get rid of, and will automatically choose whichever of the two teams gives the best offer. In Logic Apprenticar A, Helen is finding out that being God isn’t
all it’s cracked up to be, as her followers Melody and Natasha are currently squabbling over what the best way to worship her is.
Natasha believes she
should be worshipped with an open hand, Melody with a closed one. Well, not really, but it makes more ultimate sense, and is less effort than, trying to pick out meaning in their collective word vomit.
The first client is a city bar that has recently had a refit and so has
a whole lot of sinks to dispose of. SINKS!
LOOK AT ALL THE WUVVLY LITTLE SI…oh it’s just not the same when it’s not kittens…
There’s also wood flooring, and general waste as well. Helpful Voiceover Man tells us that the bar people would normally expect to be charged £100 to have all this cleared away. Head Bar Guy very solemnly tells Natasha that they can’t just take the goodies and the cute sinks – the deal is for the whole lot. Natasha says she understands COMPLETELY, and is then pulled away by Helen for a Logic side-meeting to discuss terms.
Melody and Natasha give the goods the once over, and Melody asks Natasha what her opinion as someone in the industry is. Natasha replies with “I’m not a physical builder – I’m shooting in the dark, but I’m willing to shoot”. I’d say she was mixing metaphors, but that would imply that even the component parts of that worked. Anywho, Melody and Natasha work out between them that they think they’ll get £500 for the sinks on resell. At this, Helen sends down her Second Commandment after “Thou Shalt Trust The Word Of Helen As Imparted Via Her Prophet Thomas” – “Thou Shalt Offer No Charge For Removal Of Sinks Or ,It Turns Out, Office Furniture”. She tells them that this guaranteed £500 make it worth charging nothing, and taking a hit on disposing of the general waste, so they can undercut the other team. Melody is not a true believer, but Helen is not a vengeful God, and so does not smite her.
Head Bar Guy returns, and Helen lays down her offer – that they’ll take all this stuff off their hands for free. Natasha does her level best to make this sound even more dodgy, by burbling about how Logic really want to “enter into partnership” with the bar. No you don’t Natasha, sod off.
Kaen Kaenterviews that Helen is taking a really big risk here, because if she can’t find buyers for the stainless steel and wood flooring, she’s going to end up making a loss. Thanks Kaen! Not enough visual metaphors for me to really understand though. Maybe show a funeral for loss? And a quick shot of the wood flooring to remind me what it is?
Bizarrely, instead of moving on to the next job, or phoning their mobile team to see how things are, or even maybe to grab a quick Tequilla Slammer in this new rennovated bar, the Logic A-Team just
stand around upstairs arguing about what they just did. Melody thinks it was a dumb thing to do, Natasha does not, Melody questions Natasha’s sudden abandoning of her claimed experience as a solid builder shooting in the dark on the edge of glory judas judah-dah-dah, Natasha says she never claimed to even know what a building was, is it one of those things people live in, Melody says she so did, Natasha says that she only said she worked in RECRUITMENT, which is a clear sign that she can’t be expected to know anything, Melody wonders why Natasha went on so bloody much about it all the time then, Natasha starts mimicking Melody and putting on funny voices,
Melody calls Natasha “Tasha”, Natasha says that the horse on the train has left the station, (?!?!?!), then Melody counters that they’re going to the next station, so the horse better sodding well…erm…saddle up, then Natasha bizzareterviews
that she didn’t know what she was going to find in the commercial dungeon, but Melody just got a big plate of blame and offered her a bite (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)
See? Kaen’s even found time to have a little nap, and she hasn’t done that for ages. Less bitching, more action please.
Oh, who am I kidding? There’s always time for more bitching.
Good thing that Venture have turned up then,
Zoe having split her team expertly, with herself, Susan and Edna all on the same team. What an act of man-management. I dare you to try and construct any team more likely to collapse in a mess of bitching and tears than this one. Go on. You can pick contestants from any series you like. They look over the scrap, and Susan asks Zoe if she thinks the room of sinks weighs over a ton, presumably because that’s what their tipper will carry in one go. Zoe responds that she knows as much as Susan does about how much things weigh. Susan prods again, asking if she’s sure it doesn’t weigh over a ton, despite Zoe having just said she doesn’t know. This (already) is the tipping point
and Zoe starts jabbing her finger at Susan, yelling that she DOES NOT HAVE A WEIGHING SCALES IN HER HEAD AND SHE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO RIP OUT BUILDINGS AND SHE DOES NOT KNOW EVERYTHING SUSAN SO SHUT UP! Edna (think on that)
tries to calm things down, but it’s too late, Susan’s already saying that it’s a really simple question, all innocent like.
And just think, as far as we know, she’s made it through life like this without getting stabbed even once.
Slightly discombobulated, Zoe offers the bar people a charge of £150 to take the stuff away. The ensuing handshake is
not exactly emphatic. In the car on the way out, Susan decides to tell Zoe that she personally would have just offered to do it for free. Rather than thinking on this, even though it did come from Susan, Zoe accuses her of trying to sabotage the team and destroy her personally. Marvellous.
Helen is rung by Head Bar Man, and told that she has secured the deal. Helen is pleased, but Melody continues to whine that it might be difficult to sell the valuable stuff on. Helen just
crosses her fingers and puts her faith in herself.
In North London, Glenn and Leon shift off a ton of plumbers waste and charge £110 for it. Fascinating scenes. At the same time, Jim and Tom
charge around looking for waste in a manner that would have made Nick’s asinine Batman & Robin metaphor last week actually apposite. You can just picture them in the costumes can’t you? (No links to the cosplay slashfic I just accidentally brought into the Universe please). Jim hits up his demographic of lonely housewives,
and Tom hits up his of
adoring old ladies. Neither pays dividends. In the end, their dumpster diving and doorstepping yields…5kg of metal. Worth 80p. Ah well. I’m sure it’ll all come good tomorrow.
Fulham now, and the Logic A-Team are meeting and greeting with the second of the people that Lordalan has sat on – a guy looking to get rid of some
mint-condition office furniture. My, this task just gets more and more artificial by the second. Anybody got any old Monets they want disposing of? Things move more swiftly this time, as Helen is in her groove, and she immediately offers her flat-fee of zero for removing all this office furniture. Obviously Melody has a
cob on again, and whines fulsomely on the way out, but Helen very nicely but firmly says to her “I completely appreciate what you’re saying, I just had to make the call either way, but I appreciate it, and it’s noted definitely”. IE “stop your whining”, but in a way that doesn’t dissolve into a bar-room brawl complete with nervous breakdown back at the house later. Speaking of which :
Zoe arrives, and holds a side-meeting. Edna says that she thinks they can get away with charging £100 to move all of this office furniture (it’s some tables and chairs Edna, not a full dining room set), and Susan says that she thinks they have to be more competitive and go higher. Zoe asks her how it would be competitive to go higher, and Susan clarifies that she thought they were going to come here and pay the guy for his goods, and then take them away to re-sell them.
Silence reigns for a good long while, until, baffled, Zoe asks Edna to clarify which of the two of them is in fact on crack. Edna states that she believes it is Susan who is on crack. Susan wonders if she is in fact on crack, and she doesn’t know it. Zoe very firmly says that the point of the task as explained at the beginning is about waste-disposal, and people are going to be paying them to take their waste away.
(I think this particular part of the task is a game of blind-auction “how low can you go?” with two clients who have been forced to accept the best deal for them, regardless of what it is, and therefore bears about as much relation to reality as any human entity knows it as the movie Burlesque. There is no “point to the task” anchored there regardless of some background info at the beginning. Only rules is Apprentice rules. Learn them live by them, and you too can be Yasmina. You don’t have to be good, you just have to be less worse. Erer).
Nick Nickterviews that this business is very complicated and subtle and full of nuance and sharp dealers, and he can’t explain why, but whatever peons, somehow Susan is right, he just knows it. She smells so pretty, she can’t be wrong. Nick has a type, and it is 21 year old sweet-natured East Asian girls. Try to look shocked. Back in the room, Zoe offers Office Supplies man a charge of £100 to clear the room. Office Supplies Man does his best to throw Zoe hints by flapping his hands at her, but she only goes down to £80, and he can’t be arsed to interpretive mime her out of the rest. Edna grumbles that Venture are cutting their own froats here. More than you know Edna.
In Venture Apprenticar A, Susan giggles about how much on crack she was back there, and how she feels so stupid as a result. Then Office Supplies Man rings Helen to tell her she’s got the contract
and Zoe to tell her that she’s not got the contract,
and really he expected people to pay him for the furniture, as it’s reasonably valuable. If she hadn’t noticed from the fact that it was all shiny and stuff. Anyway, he really expected to make some money off the furniture (and the fact that he accepted Logic’s offer of nothing whilst thinking this shows JUST HOW ARTIFICIAL THIS SEGMENT IS), but hey ho. Zoe hangs up, and Susan chimes merrily that he DID want money for the furniture so she WASN’T on crack. Well… maybe not in that way Susan. You could have offered him £1000 to buy the furniture and won the task! Yippeee!
Back at Apprentice Mansions :
oh dear. Zoe sits there crying, whilst Susan and Edna just stare at her. Glenn and Leon return home, and Glenn picks up the pieces of Zoe’s shattered brain and tries to gee everyone up to try EXTRA HARD tomorrow. THEY CAN STILL DO THIS! THEY CAN!
7:30am next day now, and Helen is staring despondently at what Tom and Jim hunter-gathered the day before,
compared to Glenn and Leon’s hefty haul. Helpful Voiceover Man explains to us again that anything that can’t be sold on has to go to the tip, with a dumping fee levied. So teams better get on the phone and try to shift stuff. Melody gets a lead on where they can sell the office furniture, and Zoe splits her team, having learnt from yesterday. She’s taking Leon for a whole day of bitching and mutual hair-tossing with occasional manual labour, and the other three can find all the leads for both buying and selling stuff.
Sounds like a plan.
Such a plan that Edna immediately locates a lead for some scrap lead and copper the teams can have. She celebrates.
Meanwhile, the Logic B-Team are hitting the basement of the bar that’s been refurbished to pick up the waste. 2 tonnes of it. To be carried up two flights of stairs. Tom asks the owner dolefully if there’s a lift. There is not a lift. As Tom hurls the waste into the back of the one ton tipper from Teddington, Natasha reminds him that they want to sell it on, so don’t break it yeah? Kaen rather peevishly peevterviews that the team paid nothing for this, so they’re going to have get rid of it as quickly as possible, because currently their time is worth no money whatsoever.
At the same time as all this is going, back at the depot Melody has located a deal to remove huge quantities of waste from a builder for a charge. She tells Helen that this is what SHE thinks the business of waste disposal is all about. It probably is Melody, but what’s that got to do with this show? Helen says that it’s not really what they were aiming for in her task plan, but hey, it can’t possibly end up being a massive time suck that takes up the half the day and produces minimal profit, so WHY NOT? Oh Helen. It’s like when Satan tempted Jesus in the bath-house or whatever happened. DON’T DO IT!
Next up, Edna has arrived at the deal she located on the phone, which was apparently
with Tintin. He’s retired from the international boy-detective gig and has set up as a plumber. Yeah, that’s where all the money is now. It’s good he had that training in his back pocket though – you don’t want to know what the Thompson Twins are doing for money these days. It’s NICHE. Tintin tells the team that he has large copper cylinders for them, if they’ll clean up his yard for him.
They also have to retrieve the amulet he lost whilst walking in Faron Woods yesterday, and rescue one of his sisters from a marauding troll. Possibly.
Tintin’s initial offer is £100 plus two copper cylinders to remove the rubbish in the yard. Susan and Glenn take the lead for negotiations, bartering him up to £20 and 5 copper cylinders, whilst Edna stands there
saying variations on “we’re making no profit, I’m cutting me own froat, I’m a slave to the rhythm, meow, meow, AmpiApp is BRAZEN”.
See how Susan’s negotiating tactic of just smiling insipidly at people comes into play? RUTHLESS! Tintin agrees to this deal, but very firmly says that the yard has to be spotless when he gets back, otherwise Captain Haddock will have a fit and he’ll be sleeping on the couch again. Negotiations done, Edna rings up Zoe and Leon to let them know that their key business roll of picking things up and putting them in the truck can begin. Call done, Zoe and Leon bitch merrily amongst themselves about how Susan and Edna could never do this, because they are tiny and weak and useless. Ho ho ho.
Midday now, and the Logic B-Team have finished cleaning up the basement bar and have arrived back at the depot. Helen seems
not terribly keen on handling the waste. I guess cleanliness is next to Helenliness. Once all the stuff is off the van, Melody tells the team about the great deal she’s found. It’s a dead quick local job, they can charge him big money, and after that they can get right on with the office furniture. As the B-Team drive off, Melody
bragterviews that she’s really glad that she’s secured that deal, because it means she gets to show everyone on the team how this task should have been done. Oh Melody.
Logic B-Team arrive at the job very quickly, and see
,as per Helpful Voiceover Man, “lots of rubbish and a bit of metal”. Jim estimates it to be two loads worth, and Natasha suggests a charge of £350 for the lot. Evil Builder
as played by Ray Winstone under a lot of prosthetics, says there’s at least £150 worth of scrap there, hidden, erm, somewhere towards the bottom, at the back, so he’ll only give them £250. Jim does his usual “you’re a nice guy, let’s be reasonable and meet in the middle” schtick, even though the guy is clearly the Fu Manchu of the construction world, and suggests £270. He and the guy tussle playfully around the £250 to £270 range before Natasha SCREAMS across from the other side for Jim to get on with it, they’ve only got SO MUCH TIME. Jim looks at her, baffled at what’s she’s doing, like these negotiations were going to go on for the next hour or something, and then shakes on £260.
Back on the Venture A Team at this point, and Zoe has
just about found her level. She and Leon are struggling with the sheer volume of crap produced by Tintin, so they call Susan and ask if they can borrow Edna. Edna declares herself perfectly happy to join the busy-work team. Zoe interviews that she’s really excited about this copper cylinder, and then Leon utters the words you never thought you’d hear on this show.
“We need Edna”.
In North London meanwhile, the Logic A-Team are flogging around all the stuff they reclaimed from the bar. Melody closes a deal for the wooden flooring for
£120. Not bad.
Kaen Kaenterviews that Helen and Melody have just proved Lordalan right – you really can make bags of money flogging rubbish, DID YOU HEAR THAT MICHELLE DEWBERRY?!
Sadly the Logic B-Team are stuck with the less glam job of dumping the rubbish at Cringle Wood and going back for seconds. They’re charged £110 for the privelege of the first load alone, meaning that they’re ultimately going to get around £40 and a whole lot of washers for this deal that’s going to take up most of the day. All whilst
Tom stumbles around dressed like Devo. Once dumped and they’re back in the one-ton tipper from Teddington,
Natasha opines that they’re not going to make any money from this deal and it’s going to take loads of time loading and unloading the waste, so why not write it off as a bad lot and do something else? At this suggestion Tom rings Helen and asks her if they can just run away and pretend the deal never happened. Helen says
no. Have patience my son, and she will deliver you from the curse. Helen then very sweetly says that it’s a good thing that Melody didn’t ring round and make any more deals like this one isn’t it? Melody is silent.
2:30pm now, and Leon and Zoe dump their first load of plumbers waste for a charge of £80, leaving them £60 down on the deal at this point. So they’re going to have to bank on those copper cylinders. Good job that
Glenn and Susan have stumbled upon another two then, along with a load of other reclaimable metal. Only one more, and the Sages will be resurrected, and they can finally rid the land of Ganondorf forever. They pay £100 for the privilege of taking them away, with Glenn believing it’ll net them £280. As Leon and Zoe arrive back at Tintin’s yard, they are joined by Edna, who immediately starts ferrying tiny little stacks of tiles around and yelling “can we have this done in five minutes please?!” to the other two. In ednaterview
she proclaims that she has been in both camps. She has been the brains and the brawn as weuwwwww. She’s made appointments, and also carried tiny little stacks of tiles around. She was INVALUABLE. Out of interview, she tells Zoe and Leon to carry on sweeping, whilst she goes to Tintin to sort the money out.
She gyrates up to Tintin and says that, as they didn’t estimate correctly how much waste there was, could Tintin maybe give them some more money? Because of the mistake they made. Tintin tells her to sod off, as
Leon smirks in the background. She takes her £20 note, and is happy for it. Tintin congratulates Zoe and Leon on the stirling job they did cleaning up the yard. And pointedly ignores Edna. Probably because she didn’t so much clear as “stuff half of it down her pants to go with the money and the fruit and the iphone and the kitten in rollers and the gloves and the fake tan”.
Meanwhile, the Logic B-Team are back at the builders, and Jim is trying to pull the same line. He’s decides that this
is much more rubbish than they were expected to shift, and that Evil Builder has added much more waste to the pile whilst they were out tipping the first lot. I’ve no idea if this is true, but Evil Builder is certainly being very shifty about it. He claims that he just put everything into bags for everyone, to help them, which is why it’s in a different place than it was before. Definitely. Tom stomps around in the midst declaiming that there’s LOADS OF new stuff here, then
has a bit of a cry by the one-ton tipper from Teddington. Jim tries to recut the deal on the grounds that the Evil Builder promised it was only 1.5 tons, but the builder’s having none, and Jim’s kind of undercut by Natasha screaming “GET ON WITH IT JIM, COME ON, STOP WASTING OUR TIME” the whole while. 3 hours to go, and Tom grumbles that they’ve shifted three tons of Evil Builder’s waste now. Evil Builder smirks and says that he’s had a result then. Mwahaha. I still kind of get the impression that Jim and Tom were chancing it a bit there, but whatever.
Back on the Venture A-Team, Edna is stood on their one-ton tipper from Teddington full of trash like it’s
her own personal Thunderdome, and she is Auntie Entity. She don’t need another hero, she just needs Zoe and Leon to get a move on and load the copper cylinders to take back to the Temple Of Time. Meanwhile, Zoe and Leon actually do things and glower at her.
3 hours to go, and the Evil Builder job is just about finished. This done, Melody and Helen enter a full manic panic. THE OFFICE FURNITURE! ALL THIS RUBBISH! THREE HOURS! WE HAVE TO SELL IT! AND…DUMP IT! AND THING! OFFICE FURNITURE! THREE HOURS! GOOOOOOO!
The Logic B-Team suit up, and hit their one-ton tipper from Teddington,
as storm clouds gather and Kaen panicterviews that it all started so well, but thanks to the shitty Evil Builder deal, it’s all starting to fall apart! For the first time this series I’m actually tense! GO TOM! GO NATASHA! GO JIM! DO IT FOR LOGIC! DO IT FOR POOR DEAD ELLIE AND VINNIE DISNEY! DO IT FOR KAEN! AND MOST OF ALL, DO IT TO STICK ONE ON ZOE!
As Venture unload their one-ton tipper from Teddington, someone from Southwark Metal Recycling service comes to weigh up Logic’s metal supplies. It’s a gloriously inexact process where whole half kilos get knocked off and things get bunged and clattered and dumped all over the place and things turn out to be not what was claimed they were. It’s all very wonderfully sloppy. In the end, Logic’s metal is worth £394. The man offers to round up to £400. Melody pushes him up to £410. On such things are tasks won. Meanwhile, as my heart pounds faster, the B-Team are just about securing the office deal. They arrive three hours after Helen promised, pick up the goods, head to a furniture shop, and sell them on, in negotiations led by Jim with Natasha again yapping away at him the whole time, for £300. Phew. Meanwhile, the man from Southwark is closing a deal for Venture’s copper cylinders for…£915? Shit.
On the way to back to Apprentice Mansions, Jim says that they could not have done more unless they’d accidentally stumbled on a copper mine. I don’t know Jim, you probably could have done more on the first day. IE anything.
On the way we get a Tomterview signposting that he’s not won for five tasks now.
Maybe this time? MAYBE THIS TIME HE’LL WIN! Melody meanwhile pornterviews
that it felt really good yesterday to be dirty. To feel filth in her hands, to have grime spatter all over her face. It reminded her of when she rescued that kid from down the mine with Skippy, Tanni Grey-Thompson and Abe Lincoln’s Ghost. Susan whineterviews
that Zoe is awful, made tragic decisions, acted like a miserable sow the whole time, and she never wants to work with her ever again. And she speaks so highly of you. (The producers make a note never to split them up.)
The candidates wait outside the Boardroom as per usual, and then Giant It
ushers them in, as Tom pokes himself in the eye with his own glasses. Smooth. The candidates go in, Lordalan finishes dancing around dressed as a construction worker singing “YMCA” with Margaret as the GI, a heavily pregnant Yasmina as the biker, Stella as the Cowboy, Smug Cow as the Native American and Smuganza as the policeman. Yes, that’s all they do in Amstrad these days. That’s why they’re not looking a new employeed, their line-up is complete. Sometimes one of Howard’s mer-people and Captain Paedo With Spoons For Hands joins them and they do “In The Navy. Oh yes, and he enters.
Whilst Kaen picks her nails. God, someone’s got her feet comfortably under the desk hasn’t she?
He bids them good morning, and then returns to the theme of how he said at the very beginning that it was easy to set businesses up from scratch. All you need is a two-ton tipper, a haulage yard, several contacts, labour, specialist equipment, two artificially high-value contracts set up alread…well you get the point. Natasha just
flashes him her best Blue Steel.
We start with Logic, and Helen is identified as Team Jesus. She says yes, she realised just how fortunate she was to be born Venture, and thought she’d come and shed her light on these poor unfortunates.
Lordalan asks that they discuss the commercial pitches first, so Helen outlines her hardball strategy of charging nothing.
He asks her to clarify that she wasn’t going for what he calls “margins”. Helen clarifies that yes, that is what she’s saying. Somewhere in the Universe, Kate Walsh has a coronary. Helen says she knows this was a high-risk move, and she takes responsibility for it. Lordalan asks everyone if this was a good idea from Helen, and they all nod along agreeably. To stir things up Kaen pokes Melody, saying that this wasn’t what she said at the time, or indeed passive-aggressively for the entirity of the next one as well. Melody replies that it was her opinion that their labour was worth something, and could have been charged for. To be fair, Helen could have charged a total of about £200 across both deals and still got them, so she’s not wrong.
Next we move on to Tom and Jim, or as Lordalan calls them “Steptoe & Son”.
I wonder which is which. Tom starts rambling about how he’s lost five times now (Lordalan : hurr hurr hurr, something bout recycling hurr hurr hurr Everyone else : hurr hurr hurr) so he really had to pull something out of the bag. And he did! His idea was to focus on metals on day one. Go round and ask people for their metal, then sell it on. Kaen butts in to say that she thinks Tom focussed too much on metal to the detriment of everything else valuable they could have asked for. Why not troll round the suburbs asking for people’s old office chairs? Jim agrees that they were maybe too hyper-focused on metal, and Lordalan…starts talking about builders? *shrug*
We then move on to Evil Builder on day 2. Melody brags that they charged £240 for the deal and got a load of copper out of it, so it was VERY USEFUL, but then Tom starts sniggering and snorting down his nose, so she has to cap it off by saying that unfortunately there was more ueseless waste than anticipated, never mind, but it was STILL VERY GOOD, before he gets the chance to throw his tacks under her tires. Jim then complains that Evil Builder definitely added more rubbish to the pile whilst they were gone, definitely, and then everyone has a good laugh about how shitty and awful and corrupt builders are. Including Leon.
Like he knows.
Kaen tells Lordalan that the Evil Builder deal took an awfull long time for what it was worth, and Lordalan decides that it was in fact a rubbish deal.
Venture are next, with Zoe identified as Team Leader, and Lordalan looks vaguely confused, saying that she’s done it before. Well yes Lordalan, so has everyone else on her team. They’ve won quite a lot – they’re not going anywhere, or moving, just sitting their stewing in their own records. Zoe brags that she has, but everyone else was being a wimp and faffing around so she just decided she was going to do it.
After 7 series, I guess Lordalan is used to the particular tribal dance she just described. Glenn, Leon, and Susan all hem and haw and pretend they all made really firm offers to be PM, but Nick guffaws at them openly and says that they bottled it – Glenn and Leon in particular, given their experience, and Glenn gutters and gulps and says that he definitely offered but Zoe over-rode him, not that she shut him down or anything because she’s not that rude and he’s not that weak and gulp gulp gulp.
Well frankly that tells me they’ve already slept together at this point. Maybe those steel toe-caps really got her motors running.
We move on to the failed pitches now, and Zoe grabs full responsibility, and waves it round ostentatiously. She was under the impression that they were offering a service and should be charging for it, so
SORRY if she was wrong in that impression. Lordalan tells her to apologise to her team, not to him. He doesn’t give a shit. So, Lordalan’s Lay-Ons lost, what did they do to get money in. Zoe says that they looked in the directory to find deals…at which point Edna full on snaps “I MADE THE APPOINTMENTS, SO I’LL PROBABLY EXPLAIN ABOUT THIS THANKS ZOE!”. Wow, someone’s jumpy already. Glenn tells her to go ahead, and she lays out the Tintin deal in full. Lordalan seems impressed. He asks Edna to clarify that she found that. She says she did. Glenn claims that she only found the first copper cylinders, but not the next two, he did that. Edna then snaps “NO I DID BOTH OF THEM, I DID EVERYTHING! RARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!” Or similar.
Venture spent £339 and took in £1045, for a total profit of £706
Logic spent £378 and took in £1090, for a total profit of
THE CURSE OF LOGIC IS DESTROYED! Now someone gets Tom some tissues.
Lordalan congratulates Tom on his first win (and let’s face it, it’s only Jim’s second) and also Helen on being officially a “lucky mascot”, with her 6-0 record. Helen awkwardly giggles and shuffles and smiles, as now she’s just another human again, the spirit has left her, and she’s just a PA again.
(Sidebar : You know who else won the first 6 tasks in a row? James Maxx. Got fired in the end for being snobby about cutlery. You know who won the first 10 tasks in a row? Amy from the US Apprentice. She got fired for? Being “an ice queen”. Good luck with your spurious future firing Helen)
The team are dispatched to “Britain’s only natural thermal spa” to get their nails done and thing.
Logic run outside to
group-hug. I think Tom might actually be crying.
Lordalan then turns to Zoe and Venture, and tells them that his rubbish gets disposed in the back of a taxi every week, ho ho. They all look bored. He sends them off.
ARE YOU READY FOR THE HARDCORE NUDITY?
Everyone splashes around merrily in the water, not noticing that
Evil Builder finally caught up with Jim. Tom asks Helen earnestly if all the treats are this nice, and she replies earnestly back that they’re getting better and better. In the end, everyone toasts to future Logic success, with a nice cold glass of orange juice.
Meanwhile, in Loser Cafe
What larks. Susan tweets “so what went wrong?” cheerfully. Leon facetiously replies that just didn’t have £6 more of copper, and Edna insists that everyone try to work out what led up to why this is. Rather than do this, Zoe bleaterviews outside that her neck is on the line, but as far as she’s concerned
it’s “no guts no glory”. Great. Now she’s picking up on Glenn’s phrases. They’ll be holding one another’s hands next. Fire one of them quick Lordalan! Susan says that she think it’s because they had only two jobs, whereas the other team had three. Actually Susan, if you include the one that Glenn and Leon got the day before, you also had three. So…yeah, keep talking. She Suzieterviews outside that
she definitely shouldn’t get fired. She was the brains behind this whole operation…wait, what? Ednaterviews next
saying that she’s disappointed that they lost by only £6. It just shows that they (and by “they, she means “she”, because SHE GOT BOTH THE JOBS YES SHE DID) did really well considering they lost the pitches the day before. Finally we get a Glennterview
where he says he shouldn’t be fired, because he always contributes 110%, and Leon and Edna DO NOTHING.
Zoe checks to see if she needs a wax, then Giant It ushers the candidates in. Lordalan starts by thanking Zoe for admitting to her mistake in thinking the task was in any way supposed to be realistic, and also for stepping up to be PM when other people shirked the responsibility. Glenn looks bashful
Hey, remember last year when everyone said Melissa was STOOPID for trying to be PM two weeks in a row? Yeah. That. Lordalan then asks if she maybe shouldn’t have bulled through and let someone else do it, and Zoe says that she agrees that she needn’t be PM every week, but in this case they were about to have an hour long ethical discussion and HR process about it, so she HAD to. Yeah ok Zoe, you keep on telling yourself that.
Lordalan asks Zoe what her strategy was, and Zoe claims it was to focus on metal, particularly sourced from plumbers and small family businesses where she knew she could speak to someone at the top very quickly. Lordalan nods along happily, so Susan, Edna and Leon all leap in and say that this is the first they’ve heard of this so-called “strategy”. Zoe huffs that she spoke to GLENN about it, so that’s all that matters. Possibly in the middle of coitus.
Lordalan asks who, once these plumbers were located, did the actual negotiations. Edna claims that it was her, Susan and Glenn, but Glenn points out that the second time she was busy standing on the one-ton tipper from Teddington bellowing out “BREAK A DEAL, FACE THE WHEEL!”, so it was just him and Susan that time. The team are asked how these negotiations went, and everyone scrabbles all over them trying to take credit. Glenn claims it was him, Susan pouts at him and says it was both of them, Edna claims it was all of them…
Lordalan acts all confused and asks Zoe to clear things up for him. Who does she think did the negotiation? Who do we think she’s going to say? Of course, she says it was Glenn, and has a good guffaw and smirk about how Susan and Edna are trying to claim credit.
Kaen says this is a big ol’ mess, and Glenn says that Edna just jumps on the back of every deal they have and claims all the credit. Zoe snots “agreed” and smugs back in her chair. Edna replies that this is very unfair – she made all the phone calls, and she made sure that she was securing deals with an appropriate amount of waste, and containing the right amount of metal, so she deserves some credit. Lordalan sneers that anyone can make a phone-call and get a good deal, it’s not rocket scientist. Ask Melody about that.
Finally Lordalan is bored
enough to do a Bollywood lightbulb-screw dance, and asks Glenn, Susan and Edna to come up with who was the most responsible for the plumbing deals. (Do you know who’s least responsible? For anything. Might that not be a more pertinent bloody question. LEON.). Edna sticks to her “it was collaborative” line, then Zoe sneers into her chest “just come up with one name guys”. Glenn has changed his mind and now thinks Susan was most responsible for some reason. Susan has naturally decided that it was her. Of course.
Time to decide who’s coming back to the boardroom, and Zoe has decided on Edna and Susan. Susan asks if she can try a bit of a Jedi Jim mind-trick on Zoe to get her to change her mind, but Lordalan is bored of that crap, as are we all. It’ll just have to wait.
Candidates go out, Nick checks that he’s got the ring, that his breath is alright, and that Susan is suitably relaxed, candidates come back in again.
We start with Susan, and Lordalan asks her to do whatever Jedi Jim mind-trick she was going to do pre-Final Three to Zoe now. She turns to Zoe in her chair and says
“why did you bring me in here?”. WELL THAT WAS FEARSOME.
Zoe says that she thought “who could I have done this task without?” and she settled on Susan and Edna. They weren’t necessary.
Susan squeaks that that’s ludicrous. She SO did things. Zoe asks her what she did on day 1, other than get in her face constantly asking questions like a 7 year old on a field-trip to the motor museum, which was VERY unprofessional. Susan requests that Zoe shut up for five minutes and let her explain what she did. Lordalan tells Zoe to give it a rest and let someone else ramble on for a change.
Susan says that actually, regarding day one, if Zoe had gone with her plan, they would have got both pitches.
I mean…that is literally true, so whatever Zoeface. You would have got them. Susan then says that on Day 2 she secured the first appointment. Hilariously Zoe, having spent the pre-boardroom calling a leech who jumps on other people’s ideas and claims them as her own, specifically on this task, then turns to Edna and says “I believe that was you wasn’t it Edna?”.
The NERVE. Edna remains silent, as Susan explains that she meant that Edna made the appointment, and she sealed the deal. Zoe then starts going crazy all over Susan, accusing her of changing her mind. Edna calmly tries to explain to Zoe that it was obvious what Susan meant, but it’s too late, Zoe’s face is
off to the races.
She carries on yelling at Susan, despite her own promise to shut up, saying that if Susan’s so great, why didn’t she Project Manage? Susan points out that this is irrelevant, but Zoe carries on, lecturing her about how if she wants to be a succesful businesswoman she has to be prepared to put herself out there and be assertive and claim the lead. Susan of course being the one of the two here who volunteered to PM a task in Week 3 ; Zoe being the one who didn’t appear for a month until Lordalan told her to actually start doing things. Again, the nerve. To cap it off,
Zoe does a little Suzie pantomime, whining “oooh, I don’t MIND being Project Manager”.
Edna decides to bring this Boardroom away from the uncomfortable land of bickering, to the comfortable world of utter insanity. She reassures Lordalan that the only reason that she didn’t put herself forward for being Project Manager is that she would have sucked and guaranteed a loss.
Lordalan then remembers that theoretically, Susan is supposed to be explaining what she did, and Zoe was supposed to be silent. So let’s try that again shall we? What did Zoe do wrong Susan? Susan says that Zoe had no strategy, and gave no direction, and they lost the pitches because Zoe made the fundamental mistake of not listening to Susan.
Lordalan says that Zoe has to admit that she bungled the pitches badly, and Zoe says that she agrees. With no side. Makes a nice change. Not just for Zoe, but for the show. Lordalan says that they could have won the pitch with an offer of £50 for the furniture (or indeed a penny (/tm Felicity)), and Susan then chimes in to say that she suggested paying £100 for it. Quit whilst you’re ahead Susan. She then goes on to complain that when she said this, Zoe was rude and tried to make her feel stupid. Zoe denies this and says she verbalised her self-doubt, she wasn’t rude at all. Edna then swinges in to point out that Zoe accused Susan of trying to sabotage them.
Jeez, where did this sudden Susan-Edna alliance come from? I’m guessing a lot happened in the month where the show pretended that Edna didn’t exist.
Edna then goes on to say that Zoe messed the first day up royally, and then had a nervous breakdown when they should have been regrouping, and then on day 2, when they picked up, all the decisions made were in fact the work of everyone else other than Zoe. Ouch. She says that she herself decided which jobs they were and weren’t going to take on over the phone. Zoe claims that she did not fall apart, she was just a bit upset with herself, and then Edna and Susan both agree that she sat crying in the corner muttering the words to “Brandy You’re A Fine Girl” to herself, and then Glenn and Leon had to come back and do Puppetry Of The Penis until team morale rose back up again.
Edna’s CV is pulled apart now because, let’s face it, it’s the only reason she was cast. Or Noorul the Teacher was cast. Or Shibby the Doctor. THis show is pretty transparent. Apparently she said on her app form that she’s got a proven track-record of coming up with highly original ideas and translating them into workable solutions. So when has she done that on this show?
Edna says she came up with a lot of ideas that the team complimented. Zoe snots “I didn’t compliment you”. Lordalan then huffs in, saying that he keeps on hearing from Edna that she does things, and then other people say she hasn’t. Edna points out reasonably that Zoe is not in fact “people”.
Edna is then asked to outline what she does as a HR Consultant. She says that she runs a business that trains HR staff how to be more efficient, and also she trains CEOs and their teams, who have budgets of up to 5 billion pounds, how to do better at their jobs. This is a lucrative business for her – training these people. Lordalan then scratches his head and says that big companies have obviously got money to burn (yes, and they give it to Edna, that’s her business), and then Nick sneers at the idea that Lordalan might want someone to train him.
I don’t think she was offering, Nick. God, this show is really making a poor fist of cornering Edna in the way it wa…
oh no wait, she’s blithering on about her three degrees and her MBAs now. That’s more like it. SHE’S HIGHLY EDUCATED, LET’S FIRE HER ASS.
Nick offers his penis in marriage to Susan and tells her to not cave in so easily to weightier voices (yes, that’s what my ears need, Susan to speak more loudly and more often, thanks Nick), Zoe gets fire-teased for losing control of the task and being a bull in a china shop,
bye Edna. You were kind of great, in bursts. Well done on screwing over their plans to make you a joke early-boot by never ever losing anyway. She thanks him, and departs.
The other two are sent off soon afterwards and Susan
gives Edna a big hug and a kiss. SERIOUSLY, WHERE DID THIS FRIENDSHIP COME FROM? Back in the boardroom, Nick says that Edna talks meatless waffle, and then she gets her revenge by throwing on a pink pashmina before she leaves.
TAKE THAT CONTINUITY EDITORS!
In her Apprenticab, she says that she’s got three degrees, an MBA, and a successful business to run, so SHE DON’T GIVE A FUCK.
Very much giving a fuck is Susan, who is taking Zoe to task about how she was treated on the task, with Zoe constantly belittling her, making rude gestures, and talking in a stupid voice. Zoe responds by belittling her
making rude gestures, and talking in a stupid voice. Glad that’s settled then. Susan tells Zoe that she wouldn’t dare behave like this with anyone else in the house. Zoe assures her that she would. Oh good. Cannot wait for that.
Back at the house, Helen crosses her everything
that Zoe comes back. You can go off a person you know. Natasha says that she thinks Edna was getting a few arrows shot at her yeah? and Glenn says that it’s definitely between Susan and Edna. Anywho, back the survivors come, and Zoe announces to everyone that next time she’s in the Boardroom, she’s getting fired without a doubt. Please someone take the hint.
Next week :