I love it when you reach the point in an Apprentice series where it honestly feels like none of them could possibly win. What with Stella and Yasmina doing stout yeomans work in the realms of boring competence, we’ve not been there for a while, but in this episode Glenn just got emasculated, Jim just skidded into the early stages of a Villain Edit, Helen remained stubbornly invisible, and Tom went full Lorraine. Of all the people I’ve even been considering lately Susan is the only one who came out of this episode on the up edit-wise. I’m even considering backing Melody and forgetting that her going all Moonbase Alpha with Angela Merkel, Colonel Gaddafi and Vidal Sassoon ever happened.
Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. The teams remain as they are, because watching Logic going down like a lead balloon/Lead Balloon is just that much fun. Nick pretends that Lordalan (absent again) has told him to make Vinnie Disney and Glenn Project Managers, but as Glenn is half-way sane, and Vinnie Disney is 0-4 and WITH A PLAN!, I’m thinking Nick just wanted to continue to sabotage whichever team it is he’s following at any given moment. It can’t always just be pulling stupid faces. Sometimes he has to mix things up. The task is to create a brand of pet-food, create an advert for it, and then do a pitch, and then all this will be for naught as Lordalan will decide who’s won based on some spurious point that nobody thought to care about.
The whole story of Glenn’s day is being repeatedly shut down by Zoe, Helen and Leon, who form some sort of Apprentice Loose Women panel, openly and rudely laughing in his face every time he speaks, then lecturing him on how he has to “earn their respect” or some rubbish like that. This is partly because he shuts down their extensively focus-grouped idea of “Lucky Fish” (which is crap) in favour of his own idea of an explosion of puns so torturous and off-putting it’s a bit like Tim Vine having an on-stage stroke (which is also crap), and also partly because this is how Zoe picks up men. She just gets worse and worse doesn’t she? Their advert features an adorable Born This Way transgender drag queen cat talking in some sort of Polari off-shoot about nothing in particular, and their pitch is Leon trying to coast on his increasingly ratty-looking charm (oops). But somewhere in this mess is the idea of marketing specifically to overweight cats, which is, as per Lordalan A Good Thing, so they win, and go off and play tennis with Pat Cash. Edna status? Still dormant.
So anyway, Vincent’s plan? Turns out to be doing whatever Jim says (or so says Nick). Which, up until this week, probably would have served him well, but we’re officially expanding on that edited-in wink from Task 2 and turning Jim into a full-on Grey Hat, so HOLD ONTO YOUR SAFETY-BELTS PEOPLE! Anyway, Vinnie & Jim’s idea for a target market is “everyone” despite some vet specifically telling them not to do this in focus group (and two others allegedly telling them to go for it, but this didn’t happen on screen and this was literally the entire reason they lost so LAH LAH LAH LAH CAN’T HEAR YOU). Tom thinks this is a bad idea, but Tom is Cassandra Redux, so I doubt it’ll come to anything good for him in the long term, especially as his record so far, halfway through, is a big fat blank. Even if he wins every single task after this one he’s still only equalling the worst winner’s on-task record. Ellie mumbles a bit about putting herself forwards but doesn’t, Natasha films an advert designed to trigger any latent cynophobes watching (*waves*) with lots of shots of dogs leaping and biting at things overlaid with the heartbeat of someone having a panic attack and oh my God this is worse than the feet… (*BREATHE*) Melody does a decent pitch, I guess, in that I don’t remember it in any specific detail apart from as a lengthy apologia for their (supposedly) shitty concept of marketing at everything, including mermen dogs.
Anywho, they lose, and Jedi Jim tries his Jedi tricks in the Boardroom, except this time it’s less Darth Vader, more that fat kid on Youtube swinging a toy lightsabre around with a waste-paper bin on his head, crashing into the walls and heavy-breathing because he’s mid-asthma attack. For some reason this works, and Lordalan finds it so amusing I even wonder if it’ll damage his chances of winning one iota. Vinnie Disney ultimately chooses Ellie and Natasha to accompany his on-show suicide, because he’s still not forgiven them for that whole “Vinnie’s Angels” fiasco. At close of play, Ellie gets turfed because Lordalan just plum doesn’t like her and because she has a dog (?), and then we get our obligatory double-firing (even though this is pretty much the least embrassing losing effort thus far (except maybe, maybe the Slangatang crew), and Vinnie Disney hops off after her, as a warning to any and all strategists everywhere. I’d prefer it be a warning against people who don’t win any tasks ever, which is nominally the point of this part of the show, but hey ho, it’ll do.
Leon? Maybe somehow Leon can win? Or (*shudder*) Zoe? One thing I think we can all cling to is it’s not Edna. Can’t we?