After three months of searching, and many tears and much heartbreak, finally the decision was made. All of the final three had their pros and cons, and their own set of vehement and fervid supporters and detractors, but in the end a choice had to made, and I think we can all agree that, even if we might not personally have made that choice, that in the end, the winner was a worthy one.
Congratulations Aykut. You win the Girl With The Perfect Smile.
NOW PUT THEM BOTH IN THE WICKER MAN AND SACRIFICE THEM TO OUR GOD!
Chloe Madeley & Michael Zenezini : I’m breaking with tradition for this entry and dealing with people in the order that they finished rather than the order they skated, because let’s face it, this would be a depressing note to end on. IE that of “BACK IN THE CUPBOARD CHLOE!”. You can tell Richard & Judy are already filling in the application form for Jack as we speak. Although probably for Strictly, because we’re due a girl winner for Dancing On Ice next year, and Dick & Jude aren’t making the same mistake twice in terms of trying to buck this show’s cast-iron gender trending. Poor Chloe. Two weeks ago she looked like the obvious winner and now…she was the obvious loser. I think that semi took it out of her, but you could tell the final nail was in the coffin (that Richard & Judy make her sleep in) was the choice of “I’ve Had The Time Of My Life” for her showdance (/showskate/showcase/whatever). How can you get anything interesting out of that? Strictly’s tried twice and failed, and they’re practised in this showdance nonsense. And whilst this wasn’t as time-and-space-bendingly tedious as Pamela Stephenson’s showdance, but really, what is? Oh, and she got the absolute backwash dregs of the pro lineup (*no offence but I didn’t even recognise half of them*) to help her out. I mean, there was a nice drape lift in there and some fireworks but…not really a vote-grabber. Then she hauled out Michael Zenezini’s pigeon-chest again for her repeat dance, fully knowing that she’d been gazzumped earlier in the evening by Laura’s Big Gay Orgy On Ice. Frankly I would have salvaged my dignity and performed Kiss Kiss fully clothed, but the very fact that the notion of dignity just entered my head means I’d be a poor contestant on this show. That and I can’t skate. It’s kind of a shame Sam didn’t get the Middle-Eastern themed routine, because he was clearly so desperate for votes by this point he would have come out dressed as a full-on insurgent to show his solidarity with the revolution in Libya. At least I guess in doing a performance to a song from 2002 she did the most modern routine of the entire evening, the rest being so ITV 80s it was a wonder everyone wasn’t wearing colour-clash knitwear. And so, we never saw Chloe’s Bolero. Sigh. We did get to hear Dean brag all evening about how he’d turned Chloe from a girl into a woman and whitter on about his schoolgirl fantasies. Too much information Dean. Also she’s twenty-bloody-three you weirdo.
Laura Hamilton & Colin Ratushniak : I think where Laura really lost it in the end was deciding to choreograph her showdance to try to please me and me alone. There are plenty of other people in the country who might or might not vote Laura, and to be honest it’s a rare occasion that I decide to at all. I certainly didn’t this time. So the whole “Gay Steelmill Orgy with Schlongchambon, Yippy Backflipping Colin and…someone else, who can keep track of that many hunks at once?” thing was probably a bit of a waste of time conceptually (I do know that it wasn’t Matt Evers, because if it was it would have brought on anaphylactic shock). And even I have erased “Express Yourself” from my own personal history to allow “Born This Way” to shine that little bit brighter. I mean, I’m sure there were some straight women in the audience who appreciated it, but it certainly wasn’t aimed at them. I wasn’t a huge fan of her reprise either, even if Colin did take his hands off, although that may be because my opinion of her as a skater compared to everyone else peaked in week one when she bombed around tits-flying to Kelly Clarkson and it kind of slowly troughed from there. I’ve always felt her “I’m So Excited” promised more than it delivered, although I guess if any routine from this series was going to get the obligatory 30, it might as well have been this one as any other. So erm…are we still looking for reasons why she didn’t win in the end? The ugly sparkly purple lipstick? The fact that her Bolero was, objectively speaking, pretty rubbish? That absolute KILLER of a bitch-glare she gave Colin that VT that was repeated over and over again? The dread hand of Clifford hovvering over her? Whichever reason it was, the Internet Favourite fell off the pace in second place, and was very gracious about it. And in the end, she got the real prize, that of tricking Jason Gardiner into taking that cap off, revealing his oil slick Mr Whippy turd of a new hair-do. Forget “she found a boyfriend”, “she made a friend for life”, “she’ll get loads of work off the back of this”, or even “well everyone knows she was the best singer/dancer/skater/whatever”. That’s the TRUE “real victory” blankey sop for the runner-up.
Sam Attwater & Brianne Delcourt : Ladies and gentlemen, we have A WINNER. Well, two winners, as I’m sure Biryani had a role in the victory as well, even if she did spend most of the final pouting and scowling. I don’t care if she won the whole darned show and that she and the Attwater are Meant 2 Be 4Eva, she had so much more life to her when she was with Gay Face Vulcan last year. I wonder how he felt sat in the audience watching her take the trophy that she should have won with him. (What? They so should have won!). Sam’s victory lap started with a Footloose based routine, kicking off the 80s Showdance Showcase amply, with all the pros that anyone’s heard of, not that things were slightly tilted in his favour this evening or anything. This routine basically consisted of him dancing on the side for half an hour, then flinging Brihanna around in a threeway with Matt Evers (yet another scenarion I’m sure he’s worked into his sex life, if you remove the whole “Brianne” part). Oh and then he fucked up the Headbanger again, some more, for the third time, but one of the showdances had to get a 10, so why not this one? The bulk of the run was then taken up with Riverdance which…oh the laughing. I’m sure he was doing things, but for the most part I was transfixed by Bri-Man going full Pixie Witch. Between Brianne, Frankie! and that new Russian one who was with him from Corrie, next year’s going to be Pixielicious. I love when Gubba tried to make parity between this and Tampon-Condom’s “Jai Ho” was was admittedly stupid, but in a WHOLE different way to this parodic bobbling about. Oh and speaking of parodies, Sam decided to grub out that tonight was his grandparents 40th wedding anniversary, with all the desperate scrabbling of someone looking for loose change down the back of the sofa so he could go and buy a Cornetto before the ice-cream van left. Dignified. The whole affair was rounded off with a Bolero that was alright, but mostly by virtue of not being Lauras. No-ones going to remember it by next year’s competition. I can’t remember it now. And then…he won! The best skater from the beginning won! Again! At least they made a better fist of making it look unpredictable this year. I can’t remember if I settled on him definitely winning or definitely not winning in the end, but at least my mind changed a lot. Mark of a good series that. Probably.
Oh and because we might as well :
The results will be revealed in this slot next week.