Just think of the glory that could have been Kerry Katona’s solo skate. *sigh*
Chloe Madeley & Michael Zenezini : Oh well. It was all looking so great after last week wasn’t it? Top of the leader-board, only skater not to have been in the bottom two going into the semis… I guess nobody told her that Danniella Westbrook won her props week, and Colleen Nolan (*twitch*) made her semi without B2ing, and neither of them even made the final. Things I would guess started to go wrong for Chloe Madeley when she was tasked with performing to Katy Perry screeching about how she was a firework going “HERP DERP DERP AS SHE SHOT ACROSS THE SCURF DERF DERF” under which lyrical vaguery is apparently a coded message about accepting yourself even if you are gay/fat/terminally ill/a child of divorce/a magician. Then she fell on her arse. It’s a simple old fashioned way to mess up, not one of these new-fangled ones like “faking a romance” or “not doffing your cap when you bow to Torvill in the corridor YOU INGRATE”, but it’s a mess-up all the same. One that prompted Judy to grimly pound her fists together in the audience like a grumpy orang-utan who’d just been poked out of masturbating by an over-zealous zookeeper (/Gordon Brown). I bet it was back to the cupboard under the stairs for Chloe after that one. How on EARTH is she meant to get the Xtra Factor job with THAT sort of screw-up? Judy REALLY wants to get to sit in the background every week, just behind the contestants, waving a banner and maybe getting to meet Dannii Minogue so she can ask for that Cadbury’s Caramel pen back she lent her on This Morning in 1998. The horrors of the cupboard fresh in her mind, it’s no wonder that Chloe’s subsequent solo skate was a bit crap. Richard keeps his pants in there to dry for a start. The irony of her skating to “That’s Not My Name” also would have been a disorientating factor. Seriously, I feel like her name is still kind of all I know about her (that and that she gets nervous). If it was Laura Thingy from Nickelodeon I could understand it, but I can’t see anybody getting a Madeley’s name wrong. I will give Zenezini this : of all the skaters he seemed most genuinely concerned by how his compadre was going to perform without him, in his Gallic shruggy way. He deserves his slot in the final at least.
Johnson Beharry VC & Jodeyne Higgins : As Kerry Katona was brought low by having to demonstrate skill, and Denise Welch was dispatched when required to interact with other human beings (Matt Evers does not count as a human being – he is a deity amongst peons), so the last of this year’s “Popularity Contestants” departed us when he had to uncouple himself from the bland MOR presence of Jodeyne and wobble around on his own. I know I’ve spoken a lot this series about who must accept the burden of Fred Haversack’s Crown Of Indifference, but I’ve neglected Jodeyne up til now, if only because she’s so deliciously beige (deliciously! Like fudge!) that I forget to remember to forget her most of the time. Has she been here before? Why am I just thinking about this now, now that she has gone, and it is too late? Ah well. As for Johnson…well he was also struggling from the start with his music choice, just like Chloe. Clearly he was skating to Lola by The Kinks, but some joker had decided to dub completely new lyrics over the top. And unlike Lady Gaga doing the same with Express Yourself, they weren’t even exciting lyrics about being a Hermaphrodite dago prostitute. Johnson has enough trouble learning things as it is without throwing that CURVE-BALL in. Then in his solo skate…giant eerie yellow glowing smillie faces which then proceeded to sexually harass him? What the actual? Has there ever been a more obvious and desperate attempt to exploit a man’s shaky mental state to scoot him off before the final? I half expected Phillip to pretend to him that nobody else could see the faces in order to try to induce a horrific attack of PTSD. Certainly he was rude enough at the end when he told Johnson to belt up because he’d be getting eliminated in a second anyway – might as well go the whole hog and try to gaslight him. Speaking of which, bless Johnson for being an outlier on the giant graph of reality tv contestants til the end. You’re not supposed to ADMIT you screwed up your skate-off Johnson – you’re supposed to pretend that you went out on a high. Sigh. Too good for this show, he really was.
Laura Hamilton & Colin Ratushniak : HEADBANGER! We’ve been waiting all series for a decent one, and finally Laura delivers. I know some people are opposed to the headbanger, because it’s ugly, pointless, wilfully gimmicky and relates minimally, if at all, to actual ice-dance. And I would point out to them that WELCOME TO DANCING ON ICE. Laura got up a decent head of steam and actually brushed the ice with her hair, rather than her arm BRIANNE, and that is how it should be done. I quite enjoyed Colin’s gamey giggling afterwards about how he’d totally bounced Laura MUCH harder than he’d ever bounced her before, so she wouldn’t know if he was actually trying to kill her or not until she came out the other side alive. Now THERE’S a partnership. Which is a good job, because the high of the Clare Maguire (so edgy, so current) routine was just about enough to carry me through her solo skate with enough goodwill not to be hooting for her elimination, thereby ruining my Zen like balance this series. For a start – a line dancing themed routine? No. A line-dancing routine in a fringed cowgirl jacket with denim shorts all the way up her cooch? No. But to top it all off, doing a routine to the JESSICA SIMPSON version of “These Boots Are Made For Working”? OH HELL NO. I appreciate it could be hard going getting the rights to the definitive version :
but failing that the Nancy Sinatra version can’t be too hard to get hold of can it? At least we were shared the spoken word interlude where Jessica Simpson just moos “spank my ass” or similar for about half a season. I was kind of hoping for Laura to absolutely bomb around the ice, with the twins a-flying, rather than some mediocre mid-90s boot-scootin, but I’m guessing (/HOPING) she’s saving that for the final, along with another Yippy Dog Colin Ratushniak backflip. Won’t quite be a final without it will it?
Sam Attwater & Brianne Delcourt : HOORAY! GLORIOUS ROARING COMEBACK WEEK! I wonder how Brian feels about that being primarily due to her lack of input? I can’t imagine it makes her particularly happy. More and more I think Brioche might be ready to take over the Crown of Head Pixie Witch when Frankie! gets Lilia’d into retirement within the next two series, and her twinge of bitterness over Sam doing much better without her and also trying to break her arm by crashing it into the ice during his fiftieth straight abortive attempt at the Headbanger (SERIOUSLY ATTWATER, STOP TRYING!) makes me hope she comes back next year with her hair in a tight black ponytail and with a range of new angry little pixie faces. Then the transition will be complete. As it is I’m fairly convinced that Sam thriving without her might result in him having to choreograph a few solo routines into his sex-life with her (/Florentine Houdiniere/Ray Quinn/Nicky Slater/WHOEVER) Anywho, after the tragedy of last week’s bottom 2 appearance, Sam returned contrite (although mostly at Jason, even though you’d think he’d want to spare some grovelling for Karen, who hurled him under the bus at the speed of a greasy weasel or Torvill who clearly has it in for him, but then I would imagine Queen Torvill has already forced him to repay her through other… courtly favours) and ready to rock, by demonstrating that of all the contestants, he’s the one who’s the best at this skating malarky, which you’d think would count for something, but you never know with these shows do you? Of course his solo skate ended up being 60% skating, 30% break-dancing, and 10% THE WORM (which apparently pissed off Donal McIntyre’s fans something rotten, which would make me like it if it weren’t still THE WORM), but still that’s better than anything anybody else did in that realm. At any rate, the hints of the showmance are ramping up again, so the stage is set for some NAKED FLYING BOLERO SHAGGING next week in the no-doubt glorious capper to this amazing series. I’ll be there front-row.