Which gimmick is it this week again? You’d imagine it couldn’t be Hallowe’en Week, but why rule anything out?
Denise Welch & Matt Evers : Who knew? Week after week after week Tim Healy sat there in the audience, looking like the most pressing thought on his mind was whether he had time to go and buy a hot dog and a piss-weak beer from the concessions stand before Phillip started screaming at everybody again. Certainly it never would have occurred to anyone watching that he was in any way invested in how his wife was performing, such was the lack of expression passing over his rheumy-eyed face. No banners, like Richard & Judy ; no screaming “DENISE, YOU’RE A LOOSE WOMAN!” akin to Johnson’s admirers ; no threats to gang-rape judges like Jeff’s crew. And yet now, in her final hour, when she needed him most, after performing a lacklustre, benignly grinning, drama free slidearound to “Alone” (HOW, HOW CAN YOU NOT OVER-ACT TO THAT SONG?), Tim Healy delivered. He wouldn’t see Jason impugn his wife’s honour any more. No. He would lurch across the ice, dressed like an Undertaker, stinking of something (sayeth Jason), possibly booze, and spray half-digested dry-roasted peanuts in Jason’s face, whilst mumbling something about Denise being 67 and working five jobs whilst also being a diabetic Type C, and something (*falls down*). Who amongst us wouldn’t hope for a life-partner who would do the same for us? In the end it made no difference of course, and not even Matt Evers’ arse’s performance not only eclipsing Denise’s (as per usual), but that of all of the other 4 people in the group dance could make a difference. Denise’s time was over. Back to being married to the trannie from Benidorm. (*sigh*)
Jeff Brazier & Isabelle Gauthier : Long-time readers of this blog will know my opinion of men wearing self-consciously artfully undone bow-ties. Medium-time readers of this blog will know how I feel when a song attached to an “iconic” (*drink*) performance on one reality show then gets used in another reality show (ie, it doesn’t really ADD to the performance when the song-choice instantly invites a comparison with the vision of Amazing Honking Glamazon Natalie Lowe committing felony-assault by tie). Short-time readers of the blog will know my opinion of Jeff Brazier. So to say this week was a test to my patience as a viewer would be an understatement. Fortunately for most of Jeff’s performance I was in the kitchen making sure to get the exact right balance of herbs and spices for the perfect bolognese sauce. So I MISSED most of the visual delights of this performance. I could hear whilst measuring out my oregano though that Jeff claimed to be an underdog a whole bunch, and also to have been on a journey all that much more. And he planted Isabelle with a dropped lift but really, everyone’s doing that these days. Can he go home next week?
Sam Attwater & Brianne Delcourt : I hereby revise my revised opinion of last week. Sam Attwater is definitely going to win. Anybody who can cross Torvill & Dean and live is clearly an unstoppable force of nature and cannot be stopped via the heretofore immovable objects of cringingly flimsy showmances, begging for a 10, acting like you belong at the top of the leader-board, and pissing off Torvill & Dean. I’m sorry I ever doubted him. But really poor lamb, I don’t think he realised what he’d done. He tried and tried and TRIED that lift, and it wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t do it. And yet still Jayne Torvill decided to stomp all over him, and then leave Jason Gardiner to snicker behind his hand about it. All this after a week when he’d been revealed as tragically lacking in stamina (poor Brianne…I mean Alexandra…I mean Colin…I mean …) and had to have a (quite nice) young man come in and help him out. AND Brianne called him a lady-boy. As if this litany of disaster wasn’t enough, he then had to skate a really boring routine to a really boring Michael Buble cover of a REALLY boring Van Morrison song, dressed in lurid bubblegum pink whilst Brianne pulled blow-job faces at him, and THEN captain a team to an inglorious defeat, ultimately meaning that he ended up finishing 5th (FIFTH) on the overall leaderboard. It’s enough to make him the Designated Woobie of the series, and if he’d been in the skate-off with it, it might have led to me throwing my weight behind him to win, but as it is, he escaped, and as such I will have to return to my previous position of “as long as it’s not Jeff, I don’t really care”. Also, he has a role in a big musical production coming up, so it’s not as though he needs my support. I personally can’t WAIT to see his Roxie.
Chloe Madeley & Michael Zenezini : WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOH-OOOOOOOOOOOOOH NEW YORK! *ahem* Excuse me. You’d think that after Jeremy Sheffield appeared on this show, the whole “ballet lessons” thing would be debunked. Jeremy Sheffield being a well-trained ballet dancer who skated with all the grace of a rabbit in Moon-Boots. Sadly not, as this week Chloe’s VT filler storyline was that she was being sent to ballet lessons, because suddenly out of nowhere we have discovered that she does ice-dancing like a dude, grabs her crotch, wears her hat low etc etc. This didn’t really lead anywhere, and certainly not where I was hoping it would lead, which would be Judy wobbling out on the ice hooting “Where’s my sweet girl?” and Chloe screaming “SHE’S GONE!” before shoving Judy through an ice-hole then transforming into a giant black swan and lezzing up with Frankie! (Seriously, once you start imagining Frankie! as the Mila Kunis role in Black Swan you CANNOT STOP. It’s delicious, and Oscar-worthy). Instead, she just did a handstand, and everyone acted like she re-invented the wheel, because she couldn’t do it on dry land and yet she COULD DO IT ON ICE! Isn’t the point of most of the stuff they do on this show, and indeed in terms of ice-dance as a whole, that they couldn’t do it on dry land because of, you know, physics and shit? Anywho, this Handstand Of Glory led to Chloe briefly taking up top position on the leader-board before Laura came along and ruined it by being better. BOO. In other Chloe Madeley news, Michael Zenezini spoke, and Richard & Judy did not. This is the news in Chloe Madeley.
Johnson Beharry & Jodeyne Higgins : I’m glad that Johnson made it very, VERY clear that last week when he – after being put through to the next round automatically – stomped his feet, swore profusely at Robin Cousins, and threw a chair in Emma Bunton’s face, he was just expressing his frustration at a reality tv voting system that would allow an amazing skater like Vanilla Ice to be eliminated. I know Johnson, I know. We’ve all been there. I’m just glad you definitely weren’t acting like a huffy baby over an ex-Spice Girl being mean about you, when you’ve been in an actual warzone or whatever it was. Because that would have just been silly. And all such things were even more small beans then would be usual this week, as, lo, the Second Coming was revealed to be Christoper Dean, as he did lay his hands upon Johnson Beharry, VC, HERO, Dancing On Ice Champion 2011 (at this rate), and give him feeling again in his left leg where there was not feeling before. Who knows what miracles the risen Christ(opher Dean) will be able to perform before Holly Willoughby betrays him for 40 pieces of silver (what? Babies are expensive, and it looks like she’s got at least six of them lurking up in that fumigation tent that’s masquerading as maternity wear). Reviving Emma Bunton’s career from the dead, ice-skating on water, or driving out whatever demon is currently posessing Brianne. Johnson’s skate (oh yeah, that) this week was to Joe Cocker’s clicking and squeaking his way through “You Are So Beautiful To Me” (like, to show REAL emotion and that), and was as indifferent as usual, but this time he ended up in the Bottom Two. Oops. I thought he was supposed to be an all-conquering titan, crushing the public vote every week. This SHOULD NOT BE! HE DID A LIFT FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME! (AH-UHM) THIS SHOULDN’T EVEN BE POSSIBLE WITH HIS DISABILITIES! He really needs to find something even more inspirational to do next week, or he’s toast. Still, there are props. I have faith he can.
Laura Hamilton & Colin Ratushniak : Sweet Zombie Jesus, it was like a litany of never-ending contrivances to gift her a convincing bottom 2 bounce wasn’t it? First the high scores, then the double-scores. The gushing judges comments, the plum performance slot (both times), the hand-picking of a team that has fared badly in the public vote, the sudden reappearance of the twins after a relatively low-key month or so, a high-energy eye-catching routine capped off with a death-defying feat (a lift where poor wee Eyeless Colin basically used her vagina as a hat and spun her round liberally). About the only thing I can think of against it is that they put her in the deaded PINK COSTUME. Apart from that, it was plain sailing all the way. I mean…we get it, you can’t trust us mindless rubes to vote her through to the next round based on her talent, so you’re going to have to do the heavy lifting for us, but there’s no need to make such laboured work of it. Maybe her prop next week can be a giant novelty cheque that she’ll donate to Comic Relief, which will only get donated if we put her through. Still, apparently it’s working in the eyes of punters, as her odds to win are STILL a million miles better than Chloe Madeley’s for no Earthly reason I can think of. She does appear to have half the cast of Strictly Come Dancing urging people to vote for her, and in a pinch that might just be enough to squeak past the Madeley Mafia at the last minute. We can only wait and see.