All by myself, covering 10 of the most fascinating creatures to drown under a flood of Cirque du Soleil.
Ashley Sullivan : Oh Ashley Sullivan. I guess if you’re going out at least try to go out big. It’s like she saw Tiffany Rios explode last week and wanted to top it. I don’t know if she quite managed it, because the Vegas wedding is so very very 90s. Britney Spears pretty much killed it as she nervous breakdowned her way right on through it and then just kept on going, making it look like only a minor rest-stop on the Highway to Crazy. I mean…Ross & Rachel did it, how crazy and on the edge can it be? Oh and also she sang a bit this week, and then went home. I know she was never going to go out quite like I hoped (involving molotovs and a monkey on a unicycle on loan from the Magical Mysterious Cirque), but it could have been better.
Ashthon Jones : Such beautiful fodder. I wouldn’t normally mention her, but she was one of those talking heads at the beginning saying that she’d never heard a Beatles song IN HER ENTIRE LIFE, which is just such rubbish I can’t even begin to comprehend it. For that to be true she would have had to have auditioned a) without having seen any of the last three seasons of the show she’s trying out for, because there’s been about 7 Beatles/Lennon & McCartney Songbook weeks per go-round since they got their grubby mitts on the rights and b) from underneath a rock. Beatles Week always brings these people crawling out, who claim never to have heard of The Beatles, or who believe themselves a special snowflake because they don’t like them, and it’s so repetitive and dull and ovah. Also she wasn’t all that with her singing. Bleh. (I appreciate this makes me the obverse – one of those people who drone on every Beatles Week about how The Beatles created music and HOW CAN YOU NEVER HAVE HEARD OF GLASS ONION IT IS SEMINAL and all that, but whatever, I’d rather be on that side of the divide than someone who’s never heard “If I Fell” or “For No One”.)
Chris Medina: HE BROKE J-LO! THE BASTARD! HE TURNED HER INTO CHERYL COLE! Admittedly this was after kind of breaking me by propelling himself into Casey’s orbit and turning the pair of them into Chas & Dave. I swear, this was the only time all series that I’ve missed Simon, or at least the idea of what Simon represents. When Chris said he was thinking of giving up trying to break into the music industry, they probably should have just…left it, rather than begging him not to give up, when this really isn’t going to go anywhere other than a hobby. If you can’t even get to the Live Rounds of American Idol on that back-story then there’s no hope. I do feel a little maybe like they’ve kept stringing him along all this time just to show explicitly that they don’t advance people based on backstory alone but…James Durbin’s still here, and he’s even worse.
Denise Blu This woman was so straight up pre-Millennial Horror and I loved it. It’s like the sad story of a girl who started auditioning at 16, then came back every year until she hit 28 (this show’s been going for about three decades or something like that, so this is technically possible), and then the last time she got cut she just…stuck around to terrorise contestants. Screeching and yelling and huffing and screaming “GO OUT THERE AND KILL THAT GIRL AND DANCE ON HER GRAVE, OR YOU’RE NOT GOING TO ADVANCE!”. She’s like the American Idol version of Jigsaw or something. In the end Missy Anonymous didn’t murder Thia Megia (with coke), so she was doomed to elimination as Miss Thia herself skated on. A salutatory lesson I feel.
Hollie Cavanagh : In the end I think it was for the best. America just wasn’t ready for that accent. It took fully half of last series for them to learn how to pronounce Siobhan. There are just some Britishisms that America cannot handle, and Scouse-Texan is one of those things. When J-Lo told her to go back to her constituency and prepare herself for fame, I think she probably meant “after visiting an accent coach”.
Lakeisha Lewis : When you say “I wonder how they managed to hide this person’s progress through the competition up to this point” you normally don’t mean it quite so literally. Anyway, Lakeisha Lewis appeared, sang with a couple of other black people (who also made no appearances of note up to this point), was alright, and then got cut. It’s one thing to be filler for the Live Shows, but to be one episode filler for Vegas Week just because they’ve run out of people we actually recognise to cut? That’s GOT to smart.
Naima Adedayo : I think Steve way back said that he couldn’t wait to see what happened to her when the Idol stylists got their hands on her. Well I hope for her sake that that’s not quite happened yet, because I have no idea what that blue monstrosity she was wearing for the FINAL CUT was. Did she find that rummaging through a skip? Behind a charity shop? That was on fire? Anyway, the point is that there is still a ways to go on little Naima Adedayo’s journey towards self-actualisation. She did however, take one almighty step forward by pairing herself up with Jacob Lusk and unleashing her awesome all over the stage, after that blonde girl they keep on asking us to like stopped spewing her Simlish all over the Long And Winding Road. Between the two of them they took the song to school, with a little “The Beatles” lunchbox, complete with an apple for teacher. She belted, he went to some weird Church Of The Poisoned Anthony & The Johnsons with it, and it was pure amazing. Then her Last Ditch performance was bloody awful, but she can ride on the back of at least 4 more bloody awful performances before I care.
Paul McDonald : So I figured they were holding back a WGWT for about this point. Judging from all the whinging people normally do about how the show unappreciates them, this is where they normally start bubbling up from the murk, so everyone can act like they’re soooooooooo underpimped compared to The Chosen One whoever that is, probably Lauren Alaina, and we can all pat ourselves on the back for rebelling against the machine by blah blah blah blah blah. Sorry, but this one sucks. He looks like all the very worst, smarmiest, elements of Bradley Cooper, did Blackbird like some sort of offensive impersonation of someone with special educational needs, dressed like a total nightmare, and sang like any number of people I liked when I was about 17 and then grew out of. And then THE ORIGINAL SONG. Jesus Wept the original song. She’s a small town girl with hopes in her tits and she’s the American Dream, tragic irony, suicide to close. Seriously, RYAN ADAMS would look at that mess and think “Jesus, how patronising”. If we’re going WGWT who’s appearing about now, can we not at least go for Tim Halperin? He’s better, and also better looking, and also I predicted him as the winner, like, a month ago when I was spoiled as to his placement in the Top 40. Make me look prescient, not feel miserable.
Rachel Zevita : You know there were so many rumours that she’d quit, or that there were record contract issues or the judges had just fallen out of love, but here she was, surrounded by parasols, being weird some more. Ride on Rachel Zevita, ride on.