8 auditions who we didn’t really find all that interesting from LA, because it was THAT kind of an episode really wasn’t it?
Aaron & Mark : With the dubious honour of being the least sucky double-audition of the week, these guys were kind of all right. They neatly sidestepped the problem of auditioning together by arranging their song so they both had a chance at singing lead and at harmonising. They both had a slight air of self-appreciation that is probably going to get real old real fast, but it’s easier to bear when they’ve got the talent to back it up, and they did. Whether they’ll stand out from the crowd once the brothers gimmick loses its lustre is another matter.
Daniel & Isaac : I don’t really want to complain about the quality of comedy auditions, because comedy auditions are my least favourite thing in the whole of reality tv, especially when I was force-fed like a suffragette in a 1910s prison like I was this episode. What was the point of this that it went on for so long? Was it that one of them had dropped out of school? Was it that there were kind of…obviously at least some “side benefits” to this whole friendship they had going? Was it that they were locked into a mutually destructive relationship where both of them thought they were “The Good One” but were both too nice to really press it beyond a forcefully concealed look of despair on their face when the other one sang? Was it…aw hell, there was nothing else, and it went on forever. I hate comedy auditions, although at least these both seemed like happy perky people who’ll end up working in a 7/11 for the rest of their lives. At least that’s a step up on the rest of this crap.
Heidi Kzahm: Heidi KZAHM! She should totally be a magician with a name like that. To be perfectly honest, it’s the main reason she gets a mention in the recap. I doubt we’ll see her again. Still: KZAHM!
Justin Carter: Not that it wasn’t entirely obvious already, but it’s nice that we got extra confirmation that Randy’s actually 14 years old at best when he just sat there staring and laughing at J-Lo just because she done a bleep. Like…it’s J-LO. I imagine she’s used every swear word in the English language to some poor stage-crew member at some point in her life or other. Although it was a nice excuse for J-Lo’s “last 5 minutes of the meeting” persona to surface again. “Yes, yes, I said “bollocks” or something, let’s move on.”
Karen Rodriguez: She was kind of super-cute, a rare bright spot in an otherwise pretty depressing episode.I don’t know if her voice was that amazing, but she was blatantly ruining the curve for everyone else. Also, she’s from the internet, apparently, and she sang for Jennifer once on TRL. I loved this little admission, because Jennifer clearly had NO recollection of this event, and it wasn’t the sort of thing the producers could brief her on like they invariably do with returning auditionees, so in this case Jennifer just had to sit there all “…….yeah!” Epicmazing.
Matt Frankel : See this is my nadir. This is where I bottomed out and almost had to cry “uncle”. (Actually it might have been worse when that one at the end ran down the street after me yelling, or at least that’s what it felt like). I mean…the man’s clearly not mentally well. His friend is also clearly not mentally well in ways that Seacrest shouldn’t be poking at his brain until he makes funny noises. This is not why I watch any show. People with cognitive impairment doing white-boy rap. No. I thought now that Simon was gone we were slightly more beyond this. Apparently not.
Tim Halperin : I mean…even the supposedly good people from this episode were kind of shitty. Weak J-Lo stalker backstory, weak voice, weak song-choice, weak styling, weakly attractive package all very White Guy With Guitar. I’m so glad Seacrest promised me that San Francisco is the greatest audition city EVAH because for real…
Tynisha Roche: Was gut-wrenchingly awful and trashy, but justified her existence on this show with one act of sheer genius – after battering Randy into submission by singing three different songs (all poorly) and causing him to get up from the desk and hide behind the partition, SHE CHASED HIM. RELENTLESSLY. All we needed was some Benny Hill music and it would’ve been the greatest televisual moment of our generation.