THE COMPETITION BEGINS!
Vanilla Ice & Katie Stainsby : So, the leap from 8 couples a night to 12, with only 20 minutes extra screen time was in evidence this week, as pretty much nobody got a proper VT storyline apart from Steven, and we all saw where that ended. Vanilla’s little bit revolved around the fact that he’s pretty much the only male built and ready to do the super-huge lifts, so…he’s going to be doing them. HOORAY! Also his partner continues to morph facially just a little bit every week, this week looking like all the Nolan sisters mashed up together into a Super-Nolan. Like Rita Repulsa just made her MONSTER GROWWWWWWWW and all the individual Nolans had to combine their powers (Bernie is TOTES Sabre-Toothed Tiger) to fight them off in the form of the MeganNolanZord The routine went pretty well, apart from the apparently now obligatory lip-syncing which always looks idiotic. I’m not sure I’m quite ready for a reality tv male to take “Minnie The Moocher” and have a “moment” with it after my beloved Gavbot took it and made it HIS VERY OWN on Strictly, but this was buried in an opening spot, so nobody’s going to remember it come next week. Phew. Also I did really appreciate the irony of them all praising Rob for his old-fashioned style in this routine in picking this song, when it’s about a drug-addicted prostitute who dies in an insane asylum. Proper FRED N GINNNNNNGE (ON ICE!) that.
Chloe Madeley & Michael Zenezini : Well done Emma Bunton on getting engaged by the way. I would complain that it overshadowed at least a little bit of what followed but it’s Emma Bunton. Would that anything she did on this show had any discernible impact. Chloe’s VT storyline this week involved her being haunted by the ghost of Sinitta. Which…awesome! Who wouldn’t want to be haunted by the ghost of Sinitta? The melodious moans, the harmonious clanking of chains, the occasional waft of a fan, walking into the bathroom of a morning and reading “I DATED BRAD PITT ONCE I DID! HONEST! IT WAS TO A PREMIERE OF SOMETHING OR POSSIBLY THE OSCARS I FORGET BUT WE DEFINITELY DID I PROBABLY WENT DOWN ON HIM OR SOMETHING TRUFAX!” written in the steam on your wall-mirror. Anyway, in actuality Chloe was not actually haunted by the ghost of Sinitta, because Sinitta is not dead in anything other than in the sense of her career. Instead she just had to do a frog-lift, and Sinitta famously screwed that up last year, causing her to be sent home over Sharron “The Flying Shit” Davies in the WORST SKATE-OFF DECISION EVER! Chloe did her Frog-Lift fine, her routine was fine, Judy fairly vibrated with glee at rink-side and she went through. Hooray. Oh and Jason said she had a big fat arse LOL, except he used ANIMAL IMAGERY, but does anyone think he’s qualified to? Really? Watching Jason attempt ANIMAL IMAGERY only makes me appreciate Craig Revel-Horwood’s mastery of it even more. Leave it to the professionals darling.
Denise Welch & Matt Evers : I am slightly in love with the fact that Matt Evers’ arse being the greatest in the history of humanity is now part of official show lore to the extent that is actively being choreographed around by Torvill & Dean. I mean, I’d make some sort of comment on how I felt sorry for the line-up of men who whose arses were judged unworthy to dance with Denise Welch but…it’s Matt Evers, come on! Even to be judged in that company, regardless of whether it’s wearing a hideously unflattering and unsuitable gold crop-top would be an honour indeed. Denise’s VT storyline this go round was basically her bragging that she gets votes for being SO VERY OLD (52!!!!!!!!!) and for Jason being so rude to her, and there’s nothing we can do about it (*z-snap*). Oh and her going to see the cast of Mamma Mia, and staring at them, whilst they stared back at her, nobody really sure of why this was happening except that Denise was dancing to an ABBA song. Pointful! Anywho, she was pretty crap, and flappy and lack-lustre, but as the woman said herself, she’s OLD, what can we do?
Dominic Cork & Alexandra Schauman : I do feel bad for him, because I’m sure if he was here at the genesis of competitive celebrity skill-based reality tv shows, in about 2004, he’d be getting extra bonus brownie points just being a SPORTSMAN in a creative-arts field just struggling to perform but…we’ve been doing this for years now, and vague comments about how he’s getting ribbed on twitter for doing something so fagtacular aren’t really going to cut it any more if you’re going to be quite this boring. I mean…he did something called a DEATH SPIRAL and even managed to make that boring. I think giving him “Feel” by Robbie Williams was probably asking a bit much, as I don’t think there’s a human being alive who could approach the levels of dumb-ass sheer EMOTING in that song with a straight face unless they actually were Meatloaf(/Bonnie Tyler, who I’m not actually convinced ISN’T Meatloaf so moo point there). Because he just looked kind of ridiculous, and sadly a bit like he was getting a mildly uncomfortable swab test done. All with King Of The Sportsman Emotional Journeys Mark Ramprakash looking on solemnly from the audience. Poor “Corky”. It was never going to cut it was it?
Laura Hamilton & Colin Ratushniak: See, I was feeling so well-disposed towards Laura after her first week. Puppyish determination, champion gurning, gyroscoping boobs…She had everything I want in a female reality show contestant. But then I saw this week that she was endorsed in the audience by Josie & John James – the dark cloud that hovvered over this year’s Big Brother and I kind of went off her a little bit. I mean I guess her showbiz friends are basically going to be restricted to Jamie Rickers and Elvis the NickToons Hamster, but really Laura? Sigh. Anyway, the boobs were back this week, and in force, although they were much better restrained, possibly because the judges scores officially came into play this week, so she had to rely on their vote-harnessing powers less. Her VT storyline was basically “LAURA’S DOING LIFTS THIS WEEK!” and then…Laura did lifts this week, so well done Laura. I guess. And congratulations on being inspiring and overcoming your horrific disability of having stumpy legs. Truly you are an inspiration to us all – you’ve not even played the sympathy card for votes yet.
Steven Arnold & Nina Ulanova: When will people learn? You do NOT MESS WITH TORVILL & DEAN! You don’t sass them, you don’t disrespect them, you don’t question their choreography skills, and you damn well better not miss a training session. And if you do, it better be for a better reason than “I slept through my alarm clock”. Break any of these fundamental rules and you will be out on your bum, as Steven Arnold discovered this week. If you want to be a comedy contestant a la Todd Carty then you need to at least pretend to be putting your all into it and really loving it and feeling yourself becoming at home on the ice and all that bumf, even if your partner is some sort of unhinged Eastern European Gymnnastics Coach circa 1983 cliche. Even if you’re given DEBARGE to dance to (which I feel was possibly a decision made after he didn’t bother to turn up for Choreography Day. Like…so you’re not even going to bother turning up Arnold? Right. You’re getting DEBARGED!). Never let yourself think you can afford to miss a day. Otherwise Torvill & Dean gonna GIT CHOO SUCKAAA!
Jeff Brazier & Isabelle Gauthier: Talking back to the judges is something that it’s surprisingly hard to get right. People have been taking encouragement from the fact that Will Young basically won Pop Idol on the back of telling Simon Cowell to go suck a fuck when he called his performance average (the shocked and thrilled faces of all the other contestants when this happened is still one of my Top Ten Reality Show Moments Of All Time) for many years, but it’s not quite as easy to gain votes by going anti-authoritarian as you might think. And you have to wonder if, by drunkenly slurring about fellating a broom at a friend’s bbq, accusing Jason of being obsessed with his dick and threatening to have his mates gang-rape (/group inseminate) him, or whatever he said, Jeff might have gone slightly too far in the long run. Then again, it’s Jason, so who really cares? It was really the whole scriptedness of it that was offensive anyway, in its pre-canned Widdyness. To be honest, his routine could have done with that ruthlessly slick level of pre-planning, as it was really flipping dull and he was wobbling all over the place, especially coming out of his spin. If he’s not careful, Emma Bunton might stop fancying him, especially as she’s now a married woman, and where would he be then?
Comedy Dave & FRANKIE!: So, Comedy Dave was looking super Malan Breton this week, which is nice, in a reality tv crossover sort of way. Half the weeks the female skaters make-up is done a la Wendy Pepper, so it’s nice for another notable wack-job of Project Runway history to get a look in. And speaking of reality tv crossovers and notable wack-jobs…Andrew Stone eh? Personally I’m of the opinion that if you’re going Pineapple it’s Louis Spence or nothing, but the look of indignity and rage written over FRANKIE!’s face throughout was truly worth it. Why were they taking the comedy reins out of her hands and into those of some comedy closet-case? FRANKIE! CAN DO COMEDY! DAMN YOU! The results? A fairly bog-standard, quite sweet wobble around to “The Way You Look Tonight”, which didn’t really live up to the Comedy Dave mantle of comedy. It was kind of nice to see Chris Moyles lustily booing their mediocre but not unfair scores, stripped of at least a couple of the layers of boorish irony with which he coats himself at all times, like he actually CARED about something or some nonsense like that. Jason’s rather awkward declaration of naked lust was quite sweet as well – maybe it’s a half-assed 50’s styling fetish thing given that he chooses to dress his own self like a background character in Steptoe & Son at all times these days. One thing though FRANKIE!, your “WOW!” has to reclaim its former glory. Last week it was gutteral, powerful and lusty, and I had a dim hope that it might escalate until some time around week 6, one week before your elimination, it would randomly morph into “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH RRRRRRRRRRRENE!” a la Allo Allo. As it is, you appear to be going backwards.
Jennifer Metcalfe & Sylvain Longchambon : Jennifer’s Terminatrix glaze continues for another week, as Sylvain took a chunk (no, an actual chunk, with like tendons and sinew and everything – I have HD, I experienced the full glory) out of her leg and she didn’t really give a shit. Just like she identified Sylvain as a heterosexual male who was not affianced last week with grim determination, I kind of get the impression that you could actually waffle her full-force in the face with a frying pan and she’d continue on regardless, albeit with one eyeball located near her ear and “Delonghi” permenantly imprinted into the space where her nose was. Anyway, apparently Jennifer has work that she needs to be getting on with at the same time as doing Dancing On Ice (although it is at least IN THE SAME COUNTRY CRAIG MCLACHLAN!) so she is suffering Hollyoaks-Fatigue. Normally I have sympathy for people on reality shows who come up with this excuse, as I know soap stars have found themselves with suddenly mysteriously increased workloads as the show-runner capitalise on their new higher status but…it’s HOLLYOAKS! Like anything on that show is done in more than one take anyway. I had thought that this VT storyline would result in the judges chastising her for the obvious lack of finesse and finishing in her routine but…no, they didn’t seem to care that it was positively Bambi-esque at points. Maybe they were just as mesmerised as Schlongchambon being all “Which way to the BEACH?!” as I was.
Sam Attwater & Brianne Delcourt: I will say this, if you don’t like the presumptive front-runners on this show, they have made it VERY easy to make rude nicknames up for them. Piss Fountain, Gay Quim, Hayley Tamponadon, and now Sam Twatwater. Childish and unpleasant sure, but really isn’t that what being a jelus hatah is all about? But yes, only two performances in, already Sam is a whole 10.5 points ahead of his nearest rival in terms of overall scores. Which is officially insane and ridiculous, but what are you going to do? And this is despite the obvious handicap of having to dance to OneRepublic (Fun Fact : Originally I was convinced this song was by The Script. I’m still not entirely sure it isn’t). He’s in this for the long haul, although really they need to get MUCH better at trying to show off his abs in tasteful “up-shirt” shots in his VTs. I know this show isn’t used to having actual hunks amongst its contestants, and so isn’t quite sure of how to show off the physicality of men who aren’t pro-skaters to their best effect (and even with the pro males it just seems to run to “tight trousers -esp. around the arse”), but those amateurish attempts to get on famousmales forums were an embarrassment to the nation quite frankly.
Johnson Beharry & Jodeyne Higgins: Oh Christopher Dean. Did you not get the memo? That mentalist in the audience last night screaming “YOU’RE A HERO!” before Johnson did some endearing wobbling about on skates to a sub-standard Paul Weller cover version was not a lump in the throat moment, unless the lump was a Malteaser that got stuck because you’d suddenly inhaled at the beginning of a great big belly laugh. Seriously, don’t take this guy to see “Dear John”, he’d be a flipping wreck. Anyway, this week Johnson was mostly breaking his finger (the wrong one incidentally – if it had been the middle one it would have been reality tv comedy gold) as everyone around him fawned all over him about how amazing he was, because OF COURSE, he’s a SOLDIER, he wouldn’t care about a silly old broken finger, how silly of us to even contemplate it (*swoonfawnswoon*). On the ice he was dancing around to “I’m Into Something Good” and sadly not, as I expected from the first few bars, some sort of bizarre piano remix of “Does Your Mother Know?”. I kind of think Johnson really needs to commit himself to something of that level of camp to really shake of all this tedious “ZOMG, YOU’RE SUCH A HERO!” stuff that’s clearly making him a bit bored. Forget dance classes (unless they’re with Louis Spence obv.) – Johnson needs a trip down G-A-Y with Jodeyne to learn how to DAZZLE.
Kerry Katona & Daniel Whiston: The fact that they’re pulling out the Pimp Slot for Kerry for a performance that contained precisely nothing to deserve it has left me a bit convinced that those people worried about her almighty ICELAND ADVERT LOVING FANBASE can probably breathe a bit of a sigh of relief, although possibly not enough of one. Because really, three weeks in, I’m already a bit over Katona. The calculated canned daffyness, the blessed self-esteem issues, the skating around to “Respect” (which even for this show is an almighty eye-roller of a song-choice), the histrionics, the constant stating by everyone involved what a super girl she is once you get to know her, the fact that her skates were on the floor for all of about 5 seconds in the whole routine, the acting (good grief…). Maybe it was just coming at the end of an almighty slab of a show with no real storyline impetus behind them apart from her inherent Kerryness but…nothing but a *shrug* from me really. Any speculation on what the surprising twist next week might be? I think it’s safe to say it’s still early enough in the competition and there are still so many crap skaters left that it almost certainly won’t be anything in any way interesting.