Craig McLachlan & Maria Fillipov
So, a man actually went then! And the one I would have cut as well! The lurking sense that I might almost share the opinions of the majority of Dancing On Ice viewers makes me feel all uncomfortable (NEVER SUPPORTED A WINNER AND PROUD OF IT!). Nevertheless I am thrilled that Craig McLachlan has gone, if only because nothing says “committed TO THE SHOW” like “hasn’t even cleared the pre-show training period or even the early performance weeks of not only work, but work that is LITERALLY AS FAR AWAY FROM ITV LAND AS IT POSSIBLY CAN BE!”. Said work being playing Billy Flynn in the Australian version of Chicago, can you imagine? If Ann Charleston is playing Mama Morton I’m there. Not that this complete lack of training time showed in his skating or anything – a half-arsed mince around to the “just run up the stairs” remix of Sympathy For The Devil being played at a quarter speed. Sure he could have been a comedy contestant but… how many more crappy middle-aged male comedy contestants do you want this series? (Don’t answer that). One of them even has Comedy IN HIS NAME. Also, it kind of makes me glad to see Maria (aka the Good Witch Glinda to Frankie’s Wicked Pixie-Witch Of The West) go out early, given that she has officially never gone out before Semis until now, making her the Lilia of Dancing On Ice, except missing Lilia’s inherent Lilia’ness, just making her a vaguely cheery Eastern European woman. Finally, they never acknowledged Bugs, which makes me think he’s ashamed of it, which he certainly shouldn’t be, as it was the greatest tv show ever made, and a far brighter shining star on his resume than playing Dannii Minogue in Neighbours.
Jennifer Metcalfe & Sylvain Longchambon
Yes, yes, I hear you groan. Another showmance. After the glory of Kara & Artem on Strictly Come Dancing, are we really ready for ANOTHER run-through of it all again? However this showmance is clearly a distinct and exciting and new variety, and therefore I will give it time. Where all other showmances on tv feature the female half batting their eye-lashes and giggling and saying that there’s chemistry there but…maybe after the series is over they could possibly consider going on a date, whilst the male is strong and silent and awkward. Here, Jennifer Metcalfe just skates right on, looks at her partner – Sexy Andrews Collins – and groans “IS EEE STRAIGHT? IS EEE SINGLE? RAHT! I’M SHAGGIN IM!” Such forthrightness in today’s modern female youth is to be applauded slightly. I’m glad Jennifer gets to stick around a while longer anyway – her episode story-arc involving the lift shows she has a talent for the dramatic, and Lord knows the Official “Ladies What Can Skate” contingent needs someone who’s not wide-eyed and earnest and girl-scouty. Also…Sylvain is hot. Like, not even “Reality Show Professional” hot – hot hot. And with Matt slowly sliding past his physical peak and Fred’s arse gone, we need a bit of old-fashioned handsomeness on the boys side, what with Laura’s acrobatic boobs still being around to keep the straight men and lesbian and bisexual women happy. Also, she’s my sweepstake, so there’s that.
Comedy Dave & Frankie
Just take it in. That is how the show is billing them. “Comedy Dave & Frankie”. It’s not looking like a vintage series to be honest (although frankly nothing could be as bad as Series Four, which I stopped watching halfway through, because it was THAT unbearable) but so long as we’re expected to buy into something called “Comedy Dave & Frankie” I’m there. I also kind of appreciate the irony of the twitteratzzi snerking at how he shouldn’t be called “Comedy Dave” because he’s not funny. Yes…that’s the joke. I mean, my knowledge of the Chris Moyles Breakfast Show And Variety Hour With Occasional Songs is, by very affirmative choice, limited, but even I know that. Not that that stopped Frankie (who yes, is now going by one name, in a decision I’m so excited about that I don’t want to poke at it lest it collapse) from choreographing a Comedy Routine to “Safety Dance”, complete with her pulling some truly stunning Comedy Faces throughout whilst he looked like he wanted to die. It takes comedy chops to try to insert The Robot into an ice-skating routine. It takes comedu GENIUS to make the whole flipping routine the robot to hide the fact that Comedy Dave’s lines are about as balletic and smooth as Jedward’s performance in the moneysuperarket.com adverts. I am a bit sad that it got low scores and she didn’t completely FLIP OUT, because…well, why else is she there? But then they got through first and she growled “wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” like a cat that just got accidentally sat on, and I remembered why she will always be my favourite female pro, surname or not.
Elen Rives & Lucasz Rozycki
I love her elimination was so obvious after she questioned Torvill & Dean’s choreography that the Dancing On Ice Music Elves even added a “DUN DUN DURRRRRRRRRRRRN!” into the sound-bed just to highlight to us all just how idiotic that manoeuvre was. Shaon Davies couldn’t pull it off, and she won Olympic medals, so God knows how Elen Rives, whose sole claim to tv fame before this was Marco’s Kitchen Burnout expected to get away with it. She was totally right though – the routine they gave her was incredibly tedious. I mean it was to SADE for the love of Pete. I mean…she was going out this anyway, because she’s a crazy Over The Top Negative Spanish Bitch, who isn’t really a celebrity to anybody who doesn’t really MINE right to the very core of the pages of Star Magazine or the gossip pages of the News Of The World, but Torvill & Dean could at least have played to her crazy-bitch strengths and her go out and skate to some Hi-NRG pop or something. I would waver over keeping her in, because this cast already seems packed with ladies with Villain Potential from both the “why is she staying in – she’s crap” and the “Judges Pet” directions, but poor Lucasz seemed so earnest, and she skated the bloody thing wearing a Tiara Of Evil, so I probably would have kept her in a while longer.
Dominic Cork & Alexandra Schauman
Did you realise that fully six out of the sixteen couples who skated scored 11 out of 30? Not that I’m suggesting the judges need to make better use of their scoring paddles or anything, but they actually start being meaningful next week (hold me, I’m scared!) so you’d think they might try and get better co-ordinated so as to better avoid a MASSIVE MID-TABLE TIE. I’m also glad that Karen decided to be less…aggressive with Jason this week. Not that she’s not always in the right or anything, but really it was bogging the show down, and I think she showed that she can keep it reined in for the moments that really deserve it (ie – skating with your mum, Jason telling Craig that he looked like he’d pooed himself (if only – it probably would have injected some sense of urgency into his movements if he had)). Oh and Alexandra Schauman deserves plaudits for being one of the few non-long-standing pros to survive the cull, although she might want to tone down on the faces a little bit because FOR REAL they were getting to be a bit much. Erm…yes…Dominic Cork then. He’s kind of boring isn’t he? I mean, he’s a decent enough skater for this stage, and he is of course a SPORTSMAN and a HERO CRICKETER, albeit not a HERO LIKE JOHNSON BEHARY VS or even a HERO CRICKETER WHO MANAGED TO WIN THE ASHES) so he probably should make the cast just for the sake of filling all the professions. I do find it amusing that apparently Dominic Cork is considered flamboyant and showy in the world of cricket. And presumably ONLY in the world of cricket.
Chloe Madeley & Michael Zenezeni
I would like to be mildly smug about predicting that Chloe Madeley would make it through to the Actual Proper Show Which Obviously This Charade Is Not, swimming against the tide of pretty much literally everybody else in the world, although only mildly smug, because even I didn’t predict that she’d sail through without even troubling the skate-off though (I still bet she was 5th). And she actually turned out to be good, or at least not glacial, which at this stage is more or less the same thing. And hooray for the producers for giving her the most deadeningly predictable song-choice of all time. What WOULD her Mama (JUDY FINNEGAN!) do if she knew about her and Michael? Why she’d wave a giant “O” at you Chloe. And what WOULD her daddy (BILLY CONNO…RICHARD MADELEY!) say if he saw her hurt this way? Why, he’d give an amazingly earnest Richard Madeley speech about how she’s got nothing to worry about and that she performed fantastically and she’s bound to stay in. That is that her mama and daddy would do/say. So there. I do feel for her a little bit because, now that Elen’s gone she’s the tallest tree left standing in the storm of OUTRAGE over the participants this year not being famous enough, but whatever, I’m sure she’ll cope with her vaguely creeper pro partner by her side. And she’s had a JOURNEY already – moving from C+ to Joint 2nd Overall with Jigglyboobs from Heat 1. So inspiring.
Sam Attwater & Brianne Delcourt
I really hate it when Christopher Effing Dean comes up with song choices that are more modern than my brain is able to identify. It makes me feel outpaced by him in the coolness stakes which is just…frankly, it’s wrong. Admittedly it’s only Flo Rida, whose only decent work is the name-listing at the start of that Saturdays song where the chorus goes “I want to lick, to lick your hymen” (…or something), but still. Anyway, Sam Attwater is officially your Early Frontrunner for the series, and hence will probably end up winning, because it’s Dancing On Ice, and they always do, and the whole series is basically an awkward shuffle-battle for the Dark Horse placings (3rd through 7th), and I’m not really a huge fan so he’s DEFINITELY winning. This is apparently another showmance in the making, except I don’t think either of them really know how to play it, so don’t expect it to really GO anywhere except totally organic shots of them together in Nandos trying to earn free meal vouchers for life via advertising by proxy. Clearly he’s the best skater out of the pack, and certainly the best wriggler, but that break-dancing was tragic, and I’m not sure they know what to do with him.
Denise Welch & Matt Evers
It took a lot of thought to decide which woman I would have culled from this set. Chloe Madeley has her inherent Madeleyness (although I am partial to a bit of Madeley at times, in an odd (NOT SEXUAL) sort of way). Elen Rivas seemed loca, but the show clearly has no idea what to do with her, so eager was it to shuffle her out the door. And Jennifer Metcalfe, whilst my sweepy, has the faint whiff of the Salmon/Taylor drain-circle that made so much of Series Four so tedious. (That and Donal McIntyre’s Fanbase : easily the worst in reality tv history, or at least that faction of it that made it into the arena and made the show each week a blaring hellish cacophany of “COME ON DOHNUWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!). But in the end, despite Matt Evers as ever stirling tight-trouser work, I had to plump for Denise Welch, because she can’t skate and she’s kind of super-annoying. And let’s face it, as bad as the Salmon/Taylor drain circle was, it wasn’t half as bad as Colleen Nolan, who Denise Welch actually is, except probably a mite less touchy. Let’s not let it get so far that we have to suffer tedious nervous giggles about the possibility of putting her up on the wires please.
Monkseal’s Cast Of Dancing On Ice 2011
- Angela Rippon & Sean Rice
- Chloe Madeley & Michael Zenezeni
- Elen Rivas & Lucasz Rozycki
- Jennifer Metcalfe & Sylvain Longchambon
- Kerry Katona & Daniel Whiston
- Laura Hamilton & Colin Ratushniak
- Comedy Dave & Frankie
- Dominic Cork & Amexandra Schaumann
- Jeff Brazier & Isabelle Gauthier
- Johnson Beharry & Jodeyne Higgins
- Sam Attwater & Brianne Delcourt
- Vanilla Ice & Katie Stainsby