Those awards just keep on coming…
Best Task : Nominees – Buying Stuff, Cleaning Stuff, Crisp Stuff, Tour Bus Stuff
Winner (40%) :
Runner-up : Crisp Stuff (25%)
This year’s Apprentice really came into its own with its later run of task. Hilarious cod-German and the semi-annual “buying task” all delivered to a degree, but nothing quite matched the high drama of the Tour Bus task. Jamie and Joanna’s toxic relationship finally exploding out all over the shop, Stella winning the entire series by singing a song just like Simon won it by breakdancing, the fist-fight in Trafalgar Square, Jamie’s Fun London Facts and hoarding of his tips, Stella discovering a Banksy, Liz patronising the heck out of Daniel Baldwin, Stubaggs coming dressed as the Mega Bus icon. All this was very exciting, but the true star of the episode was SmugCow, who entered all our lives as the Undisputed Boss Bitch of London Tourism, and who won the entire task for Chris single-handedly whilst being VERY SMUG ABOUT IT INDEED. As well she might be.
Best Boardroom Madness Moment : Nominees – Stubaggs requests that Lordalan harness his business pony, Stubaggs pulls out his Invisible Calculator, IT’S SHAMEFUL!, Melissa goes down in a blaze of good sportsmanship
Winner (35%) :
Runner-up : Melissa goes down in a blaze of good sportsmanship (33%)
It was the final Boardroom. Stubaggs needed to pull off a truly nonsensically comedic speech in order to make the sacrifice of Liz on the Vestal Virgin pyre all the more enraging. And good Lord did he deliver. Yo-yos? Million pound turnovers? Billion dollar guarantees? What could surpass all that? Why, the claim to have a field of metaphorical trick-ponies just raring to romp around doing Lordalan’s bidding. Whether this was true, we shall never know…
Smash Hits Sexiest Male : – Nominees : Chris Bates, Jamie Lester, Raleigh Addington, Shibby Robati
Winner (56%) :
Runner-up : Jamie Lester (27%)
That’s right ladies, your gentleman caller of choice isn’t like other boys. Sure the sexual allure of his honeyed drone, sparkling blue eyes, and fine rugby player’s frame might appear initially appealing, but come the full moon, he’ll be spending HOURS (actual HOURS) in the bathroom shaving off all that unwanted hair and leaving an unsightly mess. And then some of your chickens will go missing, and you’ll constantly find your best silverware in the bin, and you’ll wonder…is it really worth it? Shouldn’t I have gone for that nice estate agent instead?
Smash Hits Sexiest Female – Nominees : Liz Locke, Paloma Vivanco, Sandeesh Samra, Stella English
Winner (37%) :
Runner-up : Paloma Vivanco (32%)
The sheer volume of hits I’ve got searching for Liz Locke’s tits makes this…unsurprising. To say the least. Anyway, by the looks of that picture you’ve selected two members of the undead as your chosen mates. Whither fertility?
Worst Candidate – Personality Nominees : Dan Harris, Laura Moore, Melissa Cohen, Stuart Baggs
Runner-up : Dan Harris (20%)
How could you? Ganging up on her like that, you HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PEOPLE! Don’t worry though, she will be karmically retributed on all of you.
Worst Candidate – Competence : Nominees – Dan Harris, Laura Moore, Melissa Cohen, Shibby Robati
Runner-up : Melissa Cohen (30.9%)
Following a last minute surge, Laura Moore is propelled to glorious victory by a right squeaker of a margin. Personally I would have thought it would have made more sense the other way round, but…you’re the readers. I guess that Project Managing run bought her a lot of votes.
Best Candidate – Personality Nominees : Chris Bates, Joanna Riley, Stella English, Stuart Baggs
Winner (47%) :
Runner-up – Joanna Riley (23%)
Best Candidate – Competence Nominees – Chris Bates, Liz Locke, Joanna Riley, Stella English
Winner (60%) :
Runner-up – Liz Locke (22%)
So…I think it’s fairly safe to say that you’re, as a body, satisfied with the winner then?
Best Nick or Kaen
Poor Kaen. Maybe if she’d been a little bit more awake she wouldn’t have led her teams to ten defeats out of eleven.
The Incidental Character Boyfriend is… Nominees – Josh the Write-In Candidate, Lance the Advertising Account Manager, Oliver the Race-Car Driver, SmugCow the SmugCow
Winner (76%) :
Runner-up : Oliver the Race-Car Driver (9%)
Oh great. Last year you set me up with someone in Advertising, this year you’ve turned me straight. I give you three months of recaps for THIS? Honestly…