RICHTIG! BUSTENHALTER! KRANKENSCHWESTER! (*legacy of two months worth of German GCSE there before I switched to another subject because I fancied the teacher*)
Morning break over the Creepy-Ass Apprentice Hotel, as Jamie
becomes the first person to reach the Two Point level in Phone Answering Wars. Probably. To be fair I’ve kind of lost track, because Phone Answering Wars this series has just become a bit like the last World Cup. Like, it’s happening, but nobody really cares. And Chris is a kind of human vuvuzela. Speaking of which, as Jamie has his eye on the ball, Chris is wasting time doing this :
frankly it’s like trying to bail out the Titanic with a Beatrix Potter Mrs Tiggywinkle Memorial thimble. Cousin It tells Jamie that they’re to meet Lordalan at an undisclosed location, with their bags packed for a two day business trip. Jamie informs Stubags and Laura who is all
“YAY! A whole new country to ruin!”. (Incidentally, my very good friend and children’s illustrator extraordinaire Alex T. Smith described Stubags and Laura as being like a pair of rude spoilt Edwardian children this episode, which I now cannot get out of my head because it is so very true. It’s like what would have happened if Nicole Kidman hadn’t drowned her kids in The Others in the bath and instead let them grow and develop into neurotic basketcases). Somewhere else, on an entirely subconscious level, Christopher senses that they’re going to GEEEEEERMANY where the GEEEEERMANS live, and starts
frothing at the mouth in horror.
Everyone runs round shrieking happily and Liz, prepares herself for the
Madame Butterfly task she knew was coming all along, as Stubags jokes to a now non-frothy Christopher that Lordalan is going to send them either to a war-zone, or a really hot place. Or both! I would love to believe this is some sort of cunning plan on Stubags part to induce PTSD psychotic flashbacks in Christopher by suggestion so he goes mad and garottes a GEERMAN with his shoelaces, but I think he’s just being a tit. Incidentally if Jamie’s wife buys all his clothes
she appears to have a thing for the dads in 1970s sitcoms.
Everyone decamps to the Apprenticars, and in the Synergy Apprenticar, Chris asks if anyone in there speaks any languages. Liz jokes back
ineptly that she speaks very good English. That is some poorly delivered “mint banter” right there. You’re not getting your own show on Dave with THAT material Liz Locke. Then it gets worse as Jamie tells Christopher that he is pretty good at speaking rubbish. Oh God, it’s like every crappy team-building thing I’ve ever been forced onto. Anyway, the sum total of this conversation is that nobody in that team speaks anything other than English. (Remember on the France task Lordalan divvied up the French speakers evenly? Does this just mean that none of these people speak German?)
The teams arrive in Belgravia, the Embassy Capital of London, and they pull up outside one particularly Embassyesque looking building. Jamie cranes round and
practices for his future gay-porn shoot themed around SEXY ESTATE AGENTS with one of those gays who always used to follow Ann Maurice around, and says that he sees the German flag with an Eagle in the middle of it. Christopher takes this as an opportunity to announce that he hates THE GEERMANS and everyone has a good giggle.
All the teams file in and upstairs, to a small room, where Nick and Kaen are waiting for them, with Kaen looking frankly
as Teutonic as she possibly can. I am loving her hair. The top half says business, the bottom half says PARTY! Lordalan then advances, and announces that technically, the teams are standing on German soil. Christopher
contemplates making a battle-roll followed by swan-dive through the third-storey window, before eventually settling on a decision to just pumice the soles of his feet until they BLEED tonight. Also “technically” speaking they’re on German floorboards. Solid, dependable, boring, efficient, German floorboards.
Lordalan then announces that Germany is Britain’s Largest European Export Market (Beginning with a G, on weekends) as Joanna’s eyes
flit around coldly in her face like a Gerry Anderson villain puppet. DAMN YOU STINGRAY! The candidates are to become part of that trading relationship (OH MY GOD, IS IT FINALLY THE PORN TASK? IS THAT WHY JAMIE WAS PRACTICING?!) with…oh. It’s crisps. Teams are going to come up with their own range of sausag…I mean crisps (the fact that the teams actually consider sausage flavour at one point actively made my head swivel) and make them in their own bake…crisp factory, and then sell them to major chains of travel st…I mean hotels and garages that Lordalan has sat on. IN HAMBURG!
mmm, crisps. It’s nice that after two months in her company we know that Stella likes big red sports cars, crisps, and the thought of killing Stubags. And this still makes her a more fleshed-out likely winner than Liz. Blah blah crisps, winner, losers fired etc etc. Every exeunts, and as Stubags leaves he announces “auf wiedersehn Lord Sugar”. What, is he Heidi Klum now? Actually they should so do a UK Project Runway with Stubaggs as the host. It’d be amazing. IT’S JUST SOME CLOTH! THAT’S JUST SOME CLOTH AS WELL! MAGIC BEANS! SPOOOOOOOOOOOON ME NINA GARCIA, I WANT YOU TO SPOOOOOOOOON ME FASHION!
HAMBURG! Home of the Hamburger, but not the Hamburgler. It’s easy to get confused, just like JFK did. The Hamburgler actually lives in Essen. He likes to be close to Grimace. Helpful Voiceover Man informs us that Hamburg is some sort of Gateway to something (possibly trade, possibly Hell) and as such, needs a lot of greasy snacks to keep all the sailors happy. We are then dropped some
very subtle hints indeed about what sorts of flavours Germans like in their crisps. I’m thinking of a range of Ready Salted and maybe Cheese and Chive? Or maybe just Ready Salted and Plain. Just to be on the safe side. Helpful Voiceover Man then informs us (I hope he got over-time for this episode. There’s so much that needs explaining ( what crisps are, where Germany is, that we’re not at war any more) that each team will be working with a different small UK crisp manufacturer to produce original flavours. Stubags looks like he’s working on some
very original flavours right there.
Teams are decamped to their rooms, and Joanna asks if anyone wants to be Project Manager. Stubags immediately rules himself out, as he’s still too knackered from last time, when he drove around Brands Hatch for a bit, then delivered, like, 12 DVDs, failed to Quality Control them and did a phone-call. He is SPENT. Nick’s all
mmm-hmm. Such a shame the casting for RuPaul’s Drag Race Series 3 closed before this episode got to be aired – that could have gone on his showreel. (TEAM MIMI IMFURST!). Stella says that she’s keen to do it, and then Joanna both say they’re obviously keen, but, you know, Stella said it first, what a shame, she’ll have to do it. Even thought clearly Stella’s doing it (seriously, the other two are actually saying “I’d be happy to do it”. So SO not doing it…) Stubags then decides to interject to say that Stella has to be Project Manager because she’ll probably end up planning everything anyway WHAT A BOSSY PLANNING BITCH!
He then has the hilarious gall to Macchiavlliterview that in fact he DOESN’T THINK THAT STELLA WILL BE A VERY GOOD PROJECT MANAGER AT ALL ACTUALLY, MWAHAHAHAHA, like the junior grade passive aggressive burn he offered up wasn’t enough of a hint. Stubags has decided that if they win, they’ll be going on a treat, but if they lose, Lordalan is going to fire his fourth PM in a row, and that that PM is going to be Stella or the heretofore almost perfect record. This is approaching the dumbest thing anyone says all episode. Hooray! Stubags Redemption NOSEDIVE!
Meanwhile, over at the Synergy Ranch, Chris has decided he wants to be Project Manager, because he needs to prove himself after a three week losing streak. Helpful Voiceover Man breaks under the strain at this point and says that Chris has the worst Boardroom Record of all the candidates. I would disagree, given that Stubags has also been there twice, and as far as I remember, Chris never whipped out an Invisible Calculator or promised to make Lordalan Six Billion a year from yo-yos. Anyway, Chris says that he’s desperate, and upon hearing that word
Jamie and Liz are all “YES, GOTTA HAVE US SOME OF THAT ENERGY IN CHARGE!”. Meanwhile Christopher draws lots of swastikas over hand-drawn pictures of Jurgen Klinsman diving. Meanwhile Kaen gazes at them all
like an intellectually stunted dinosaur. Chris then
disasterviews that he’d rather have his destiny in his own hands then leave it up to someone else. He has after all, won 100% of the tasks he’s PMd thus far. And erm…fewer % of the rest.
Next teams have to decide on flavours. Chris says that he thinks they should go for whatever people will feel most comfortable with (SOFA AND BIG FLUFFY HOT WATER BOTTLE COVER FLAVOUR!) and then Liz says they need to go with flavours that are strong and traditional German. Christopher then interjects “WORRABOUT HITLER FLAVOUR? BLOODY GEEEEEEEEEEEERMANS!” but, you know, very quietly, before Liz says that she means sausage. Let’s get some sausage in there! Way-Hay Lads! Chris then suggests the very traditional German flavour of Hungarian Goulash. At this,
Jamie clicks his wrist like it’s 1998 and proclaims that he is Officially Backing Goulash.
Apollo are also deciding on their flavours. Well, Stubags, Laura and Joanna are currently discussing flavours. Stella’s just
Stubags Hatin’. Possibly because he’s saying that as they’re all English, they should go with English flavours, like Sausage & Egg. Laura agrees, and declares the theme of their range to be Traditional British. Brainstorming on this theme, Joanna “suggests”
a Sunday Roast flavour, and this goes down well as well. Every single flavour so far sounds barfarmic. Like…egg with potatoes? This is what we’re doing? Stella prolcaims herself to be In on the Sunday Roast, but now they need two more flavours. Joanna says that staple of every home – the Curry Pie or Curry Chicken Tikka Masala or Chicken Tikka Pizza Flavour or BASIL CURRY WITH MOAR BASIL(you can tell she’s a Midlands Girl can’t you?). Stubags meanwhile just sits back and
rolls his eyes and huffs, as though he didn’t personally drive the train down this track himself with his EGG FLAVOURED CRISPS. Laura meanwhile is all
BUH, CURRY’S NOT BRITISH! and then whineterviews that they would have had, like, tonnes of good ideas if Joanna hadn’t bulldozed through all her ideas. Cause, you know, Laura was just bursting with all the many many ideas that are constantly swimming round her head that never ever ever come out ever. Such a curse. If only everyone else could just stop talking, for like, three hours, she would definitely have a task-winning idea.
Midday now, and the Task Managers are staying in England with a lieutenant (Liz for Chris (*Face Of Surprise*), and Laura for Stella) to oversee crisp production, with the other two members of their group go off to Germany for some Market Research. On the way, they bone up on the language,
as Joanna confides in Stubags that she’s never been to Germany before. As a seasoned traveller to Germany, does he anticipate the language barrier being a problem for her? Stubags tells her that he’s always fine, but then he IS amazing. Meanwhile,
Christopher is being very obliging on the “funny foreign language slip-ups” theme that the producers were no doubt hoping for. Or maybe it is the Porn Task I’ve been hoping for. Jamie giggles that Christopher sounds like he was talking Italian ho ho. We close this little fun language section with Stubags effortlessly counting up to twenty in German all “Ein Zwei Dre Fiat Fluff Sax Bieber Arc Boing Seine Elf Zwelf Zwanzigsehnundzanzigachtundneunzig” Woo-hoo!
POH-TAY-TOES! At a gourmet crisp factory in Essex, where Chris and Liz are currently arriving. The owner, who shares Chris’
Spooky Blue Eye Gene, and therefore is MEANT TO BE WITH HIM, rather nervously explains that this is a big chance for them to break into a foreign market (/have some people do some pretend deals with some of their products, in the hope that some people notice their tiny blurry logo wedged into the corner of the screen and think they’d quite like a packet of…Whoever Gourmet Crisps). Chris says that’s grand, how about Beef Goulash? Personally I think they’re missing a trick not having
Lecithin Ultralec P Flavour. Mmmmm DAS IST WUNDERBAR!
At the same time their B-Team are doing Market Research in Germany.
Rarely has a food episode so singularly failed to make me feel hungry. Anyway, the Germans still love sausages, but now they love them covered in curry, even though their multicultural experiment has failed DAMNIT. Jamie tries some rubbish German on the woman in charge of the Curry Sausage takeaway, then does that very English thing of staring blankly at her the minute she replies with anything, until she’s forced to go into English to help him out. Oh dear. Christopher and Jamie then munch sausage and decide they like it, and that it would make a nice crisp. Market Research at its finest.
They then wander outside, looking frankly
spivtacular, and get on the Glasses Case to Chris, to tell them that they’ve finally given into their urges and choked down a sausage, and he really should try it to. They can all do it together when he comes over to Germany if he wants, and then they can all share their newfound love of sausage with the German people. Chris says that sounds great, whilst Kaen
sits on some machinery, for her own purposes.
Stella and Laura meanwhile, are arriving at “Darling Spuds” (*groan*), which is run by
this man, who is slightly incredibly overbearing and waffly about how he loves WACKY flavours. He’s the Willy Wonka of crisps! Look, he jammed a fat child down the garbage disposal, JUST LIKE WILLY DID! No really, COME AND LOOK.
Laura rather meekly responds that they’re doing a British theme, heh heh *fiddle with hair*.
Really is a sobering insight into the food industry isn’t it? I thought there was real pig in my Smoky Bacon crisps until now and everything. Stella gets inspired by sniffing some fake beef and decides that “Beef & Chilli” is a great idea. Which it actually kind of is. I know I feel like some Chilli Beef crisps right now. Although then Laura asks if Stilton would mix with paprika, and my desire to eat anything ever again dries up immediately. She and Stella then get on with the exciting business of mixing. Woo!
At this time, over in Hamburg, Stubags and Joanna are keeping it
Real (AHAHAHAHAHAHA!), conversating with the locals and checking out the sitch in the crisps aisle yo. There they find lots of paprika and curry flavours, and Stubags sounds slightly abashed at having declared Joanna’s curry-fixation as lame earlier. This done
Joanna espies a victim, and marches towards him yelling “YOU EAT CHIPS? YOU…LIKE TO EAT…CHIPS? NOM NOM CHIPS? EATEN ZIE CHIPPEN?” The man replies that, yes, he likes chips, particularly spicy ones. Joanna then asks if he likes English food, and he (LIES/) says yes, he likes fish and chips and Shepherd’s Pie, so long as they aren’t actually going to make him eat them. They are great! Yum yum good! But not in a crisp though. He also likes our Queen and Cheryl Cole. She is so pretty and talented. How is that Spurs eh? I hope they win the League or Cup this year!
Out in the car-park, where the sea-air is clearly
doing wonders for Stubags skin, he proclaims that it is SO OBVIOUS that paprika, curry and sausage are the flavours to go for, particularly sausage, as there is currently a gap in the market in that regard. (Personally? I find it odd that Laura came up with paprika out of nowhere, and think this may have been slightly edited out of sequence. Or maybe Laura’s just that intuitive (*giggles manically*)). With this sausage idea in mind, Joanna and Stuart stop off at a Sausage Shop to sample some wares. Stuart gets offered a white sausage (to which he proclaims “I’ve got one of those, hurr hurr, I have a penis and it is the colour you would probably expect it to be”) but it looks a little
soiled. Still he
This information gleaned, they return to Apollo Apprenticar B, and relay their market research thusly :
“PAPRIKA, CURRY AND SAUSAGE!”
“Hi Joanna, that’s great, let me tell you what we’r…”
“PAPRIKA, CURRY AND SAUSAGE!”
“Ok, great, what we’re currently doing is Aberdeen Angus and Cerr…”
“PARRRRRIKKKKAAAAAAAA, CURRRRRRYYYYY AND SAUSSSSSAGGGGGGGE!”
“PPPPPPPPPPPPPAPRRRRRRRIKAAAAAAAAAAA, CURRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYY AND SAUSSSSSSSSSSSSAGE!”
“re Ham and…”
Once off the phone, Stella moans to Laura that Joanna was just telling them what Germans like to eat, not necessarily what they want in a crisp, which…isn’t really true, but you can see how she’d not get that from Joanna’s amazing persuasive technique. Joanna with Stubags meanwhile is all “shit, I know I said curry, and sausage, but I can’t remember if I said paprika or not…let me just ring her back”. She finds dead silence, as Stella has taken the phone out round back and shot it.
Back with Chris and Liz now, as they go about the very dull business of maknig crisps. Helpful Voiceover Man informs us that only two of the three crisp flavours made will make it through Boot Camp to the Live Shows. For Synergy, Currywurst and Goulash get chosen, as, entirely unexpectedly, Smoked Sausage & Sauerkraut tastes like
a tramps jizz-sock. Kaen is a big fan of the goulash though. Oh yes. That’s what it says on the walls in the Birmingham FC Men’s Toilets anyway.
Meanwhile Nick is happily
munching away on Apollo’s three varieties – “chilli beef”, “stilton & paprika” and “ham & pickle”. All three of these things are apparently British combinations, which I, being a British of 25 years standing, have never ever encountered ever. Like, chilli & beef makes me think of Argentina, and the other two make me think of vomit. Stella asks Laura for her input into which two flavours they’re going to pick, and Laura’s all “yeah…that’s not going to happen – I save my opinions for the back of the Apprenticars thanks”. Stella says she’s going for stilton & paprika and chilli beef then, then Laura repeats this and asks for confirmation that this is what they’re going for and then actually
spazz-panics and jumps away from Stella repeating very firmly that THIS IS NOT HER OPINION, SHE’S JUST SAYING THAT IT IS STELLA’S OPINION LAURA’S NOT THE PM SHE HAS NO INPUT WHATSOEVER SHE CAN’T BE FIRED LA LA LA. Good actual grief.
Flavours decided on, more
Exciting Scenes Of Crisp Manufacture. Joy.
At this time, in Hamburg, the Market Research Team are setting up appointments for tomorrow. Stuart (less so) and Christopher (more so) are both speaking in Broken German down the phone to various poor people, until they can get to the “SPRECKEN SEE ENGLISH?!” bit. Stubags giggles to Joanna that he’s going to say that he’s
HerrBaggs, as that technically is what he is ho ho. Joanna looks incredibly unamused. Two tasks in a row spending all day wrangling kids eh Joanna? Helpful Voiceover Man informs us that Stubags and Joanna are targetting upmarket areas of town, whilst Christopher and Jamie are slumming it.
Very much so. Jamie announces that if he were looking for “sexytime” he thinks he would come here. So his wife could buy some for him? Joanna and Stubags at this point are establishing a meeting with this week’s
Incidental Character Boyfriend – Klaus The Beanie Bee Manager. Outside, Stubags complainterviews that Joanna is being very rude to the poor Germans whilst setting up the meetings, and also speaking far too quickly, confusing the poor things. Also, she isn’t even attempting to speak the language, like Stubaggs is. Sure he’s getting it wrong, but they find it endearing that he tries. Right? RIGHT? I feel like that’s Stubags approach to this entire show and in fact life. If I’m cacky and juvenile and inept enough, then people will find it endearing.
Incidentally, Stubaggs endearing attempts appear to consist of “DIS HOTEL IST WUNDERBAR” and “DER MANAGER SPRECHEN SIE ENGLISH?”. I know I’m in love.
Although this is admittedly better than Christopher is doing, asking the manager of the Marriott Hotel chain”SPRESHER DER ENGLISH?”. Seriously, Christopher for this entire episode is like Joey trying to learn French. Christopher informs the manager that he’s currently selling a new range of crisps, and would love to meet him to discuss further. The manager says that he can do either 9am or 1pm for a meeting. Christopher initially says 9am would be good for him, but then Jamie
either suggests 1pm, or waves a bogey on his finger in Christopher’s face (oh boys…) and Christopher gets the time changed to 1pm instead. Jamie and Christopher then hang up and crow about all the minibar crap they’re going to stuff in their faces at all these hotels they’re selling to. Christopher then announces that he is
in fact on fire, and Jamie needs to go and get a fire-extinguisher to put him out. Joanna and Stubaggs meanwhile are arranging a meeting with the same hotel, but for 9am. PITCH WARS!
Night draws in, and Joanna, Chris, Christopher and Jamie all sit around
congratulating themselves on how amazing they all are. Ah, The Apprentice. I was worried I hadn’t quite yet met my Recommended Yearly Allowance of hubris and then you come storming back.
7am next day now, and Chris, Liz, Stella and Laura have all also arrived in Hamburg, ready to help their teams sell. Helpful Voiceover Man reminds us that the teams won’t just be relying on the appointment-making skills of Jamie, Christopher, Joanna and Stubaggs, Lordalan has, as per usual, sat on some people. Stella for some reason decides that she doesn’t want to hang around with Laura for a second longer, and is pairing her up with Stubags to pitch to Lordalan’s Picks, whilst she and Joanna go off to soak up the appointments yesterday. Stella worries about how this means she’s not going to get to be in the big pitches, but Stubags snarks that it’s just going to have to be a matter of trust on her part then isn’t it?
Speaking of said appointments, Joanna and Stella are off to the 9am Marriott Appointment, as Stubags whinges to Laura about how crappy Joanna is, with her
Manchester accent and aggression and notorious finger-pointing habit. I swear Stubags’ impressions are getting worse. If he hadn’t clued me in, I would have sworn blind that was Vera Duckworth. As usual, Stubags impression is entirely inaccurate, as Joanna is actually clearly incredibly nervous, stumbling over her words and being very hesitant, talking about her flavour of “English Stilton and prapika” and how she’s going to sell it to all of German. She over-uses his name, she’s kind of bashful, and I hate to tread on Stubags point but…
I think the manager finds it kind of endearing, despite how stupid she sounds. It’s almost as though being endearing is just something that happens, rather than something you set about to be in a horribly contrived and lazy fashion. Anyway, in the end she manages to switchback him into ordering a trial run of 70 packets a day, every day, for 6 months, which comes to €5040, not including delivery costs. Not too shabby. She closes on “you can keep the crisps, because we know how much you enjoyed them! Share them with your friends!”
Good grief, it’s like she’s the bloody Eurovision all of a sudden. Promoting international understanding via sharing, substandard product, and mangled syntax.
At the same time, Stubags and Laura are arriving at Mike Sandwich(?) who are a major European food distributor. Who Lordalan sat on. Stubaggs councils Laura not to speak too fast, like what crappy old Joanna does. She says that she’ll make sure to speak very slowly, because she knows this is a very important pitch. Once inside Stubaggs starts on his
“everyone will love my substandard German” routine, throwing in a little pinch of Michael McIntyre just for extra flavour. Mike Sandwich himself
does not look amused. They’re unlucky Christopher wasn’t on this pitch for the other team later incidentally – he might have got him confused with Toht from Raiders Of The Lost Arc and tried to melt his face off with a sideboard. THE GEEERMANS! He snarks “Oh my God, you’re speaking in German!” possibly to get Stubags to stop it already, although who knows, he may actually be charmed. Laura then pitches, as though being dragged backwards through a Babelfish :
“First of all, as I’m sure you’re aware, the world has changed (from what?) and erm, we know that the gourmet hand-cooked natural crisp market is the next big thing (is it? I thought it was Nicki Minaj). It is in England (isn’t), it is over the world (isn’t) and this is what we’re hear to introduce to you today (that, and actual physical pain). As you can see, we’re really excited by it (but also really scared) because we have a pretty good idea of where Germany is going with the crisp market (up a bit, and to the right, towards Latvia). This is one of our lines that we’ve introduced now because this is recent at the moment (what?). And also, something just to add in here quickly if you don’t mind. Erm, the two flavours I’d like to present you to you today are Aberdeen Angus beef with a hint of chilli. Second of all we have our English Stilton (as opposed to all that Japanese Stilton that’s flooding the market) with a hint of paprika flavour”
“I have trouble to understand. What was the second one?”
“Smoky paprika with again, one of the nation’s favourite flavours. I’ve every confidence that the people that are buying these are the people who are going to be the people who make success in the coming years (WHAT? Is she actually pulling her pitch out of fortune cookies now?)”
That my friends, is without the fact that she is talking at 500 miles per hour. Mike Sandiwch says that he thinks the crisps taste foul, but he’ll think about it. When he can work out what it is.
Back to the Apprenticar, where Stubags says that Laura spoke FAR too fast. Laura disagrees, and says that she doesn’t know what more she could have done.
Made any sense at all? I repeat : “This is one of our lines that we’ve introduced now because this is recent at the moment”
9:30 am now, and Christopher and Jamie are going door-to-door because they’ve not got any appointments booked. Most of the doors are locked, some are to brothels, none really yield many results. They do eventually find this
delightful gentleman, who is in charge of a cafe. He doesn’t understand them, they don’t understand him, he thinks their chips taste of fat and funny, but he does
wave them goodbye as they go. What a nice man. I think he was a bit very drunk.
Chris’ accent is finally taking its toll on Liz. They’re on their way to Carstadt, who Lordalan has also sat on. They’re one of Germany’s best known chains of Department Stores. Their manager is
kind of awesome, especially as later it’s revealed that she’s spectacularly dicking the teams around. Liz gives her strong sales spiel about how their crisps are German flavours, for German people, with an English twist, and Carstadt Woman tells her her crisps taste of nothing and failure. Meanwhile Jamie and Christopher try to pitch their crisps to a Saturday Girl in a Bagel Store who is all
“erm…I’m just the Saturday Girl”. Although not before Jamie chides Christopher for saying “Guten Tag” instead of “Guten Morgen” like a prinny. Although very much before Jamie loses his rag slightly and huffs at the poor girl slightly, asking her where the manager is today. She does not know. Then she goes and has a fag.
Jamie and Christopher commiserate about this failure outside, and then call Chris
to tell him that they’re having a lot of fun and the crisps are going down well. Chris replies that it sounds like they’re doing some really good sales today, and Christopher and Jamie just kind of shrug at each other rather than telling him that actually they’ve sold nothing.
There then follows a brief door-to-door sales montage. Stubags makes friends with a man in a pub, Stella and Joanna run around in circles, Jamie closed a deal for €980. All kind of uneventful stuff.
Next big deal is another meeting for Stubags and Laura, with the Hyatt Hotel chain, another Joanna/Stubags appointment for the day before. They pump themselves up, with Stubags saying he’s going to go for €10000, and Laura saying she wants EVEN MORE. ALL THE EUROS IN GERMANY! MWAHAHAHAHAH! Sadly for them, and Laura’s dreams of world domination,
Stella and Joanna have got there first. And tell them as such on the phone, diverting them to a different appointment. This prompts Laura to lose it minorly on the phone to Stella, snotting that she’s now just being sent to a tiny independent store
and then MAJORLY with Stubags afterwards. She doesn’t GIVE A SHIT ANY MORE! THEY’RE PIECES OF SHIT! SHE GIVES UP! SHE HATES THEM! THEY CAN FUCK OFF AND DIE IN A FIRE OF AIDS IN THE BUM!
Stubags tries to get all world-weary and 21 year old Sam Spade on her, saying this is just how business is – dames smoothing you over then blowing you off for a slice of the real pie or some nonsense. Laura just crosses her arms and huffs and swears forever. Never mind Laura, just eat some stilton crisps, and you will be assured to be one of the people who are the people making success for years to come.
1pm now, and Chris & Liz are arriving at the Marriott, for the appointment booked earlier by Jamie. However, before they even start the manager says that he can’t do a deal with them as…he has already bought some crisps today. Which seems odd, but to be fair, I could use some of that discipline when I pass the Twix machine at work. Kaen at this point
looks genuinely distraught. Why can’t she be on the winning team for a change? Why is she always stuck with the misery of failure? Kaen wants to be around happy people, and parties and FUN. Liz and Chris coo and cajole, but the manager is unconvinced, to the extent that he says that he’s starting to find the negotiations a tad unprofessional. If only Melissa were still there. She would have schooled them all in Prof-Esh-Un-Ul-Ism. She would have taken her calculator to a broom cupboard to work out how much a packet cost, and stayed for for an hour before coming back with a price of 50 kroner.
Chris and Liz call up Christopher to let them know the bad news – that they were gazzumped because the other team got a 9am appointment. Christopher
sees his whole life flashing before his eyes. As if this wasn’t embarrassing enough for Christopher and Jamie, Stella and Joanna are currently at the Bagel Store where they met the Saturday Girl talking to the manager. And closing a deal for €1213. Oops. Also, Laura is still swearing and splatting and spraying her shoes all over Hamburg,
melodramatically proclaiming that she’s just going to return to her hotel and put a cold compress on her face. She then closes a deal with the smalle cafe she was unhappy to be sent to for 5 boxes of crisps, totalling to an unknown sum (if it’s the same price as Synergy’s, it’s about €75), before
bitchterviewing that Stella is a smelly old hag, and she hopes they lose the task.
Last minute sales montage now. Christopher closes 10 boxes, Laura closes 10 boxes, Joanna and Stella run around like they’re on The Amazing Race, Laura continues to bitch and whine and pout, Chris and Liz manage to make a decent fist of a pitch to Mike Sandwich…
Joanna rolls her eyes to the skies, and thanks Jesus that she was the only one of her team never to have to work with Laura, and then Cousin It rolls the candidates on in to the Boardroom. Lordalan finishes stuffing his face with sausages, muffins and crisps and wonders if he can’t swap out that London Bus Tours task for one about sausage rolls, and
enters via the means of Titanic Car-Sex, as he usually does. Maybe one day Nick will draw him like one of his French girls. From the DVDs that he watches.
Apollo get grilled first, and Stella is identified as Team Leader. Nick feels the need to interject to point out that Stubags withdrew himself on the grounds of being “knackered”.
With perfect timing, as always, Stella deploys a little giggle of contempt at this point. “Good team leader?” follows, with Joanna being very effusively positive, Laura also being positive (*roll eyes 4eva*) and Stubags saying that he’s not just saying this cause she was mean about him last week, he’s being totally objective, no hard feelings, this totally isn’t personal at all, it’s all business, but she could have been a little bit less shit.
More structure was needed. Stella says that she made decisions very quickly, they decided on a British theme right from the off, and she feels that they represented the manufacturer very well. SO THERE STUBAGS!
We then cover who did which of the big appointments, with Stella saying that she & Joanna did Carstadt, whilst Stubags and Laura went off to do Mike Sandwich. We then cover the Mike Sandwich abortopitch, with Stubags bragging that he made a REAL EFFORT, speaking in German to introduce them. You’d think a REAL EFFORT would involve getting any of that German in any way right. We then cover (after Lordalan makes a lame “Herrbaggs/HareBrained” joke, which I won’t dwell on for the sake of my sanity) Laura’s habit of speaking incredibly, stupidly quickly. On the topic Laura’s all
“tee hee, I don’t know what you’re talking about Lord Alan”, before Stubags interjects to state that he told her to slow down, and she obviously didn’t listen. Lordalan then explain to Laura that teh classy way to speak to foreigners is to SLOW… DOWN… ALL… OFF… YOUR… WORDS…AND…SPEAK…LOUDER…SO…THEY…CAN…UNDERSTAND…YOU.
Laura’s all “yeah, I will totally do that on all the many overseas tasks you have planned for the remaining two weeks”.
Over to Synergy now, and Chris is asked if he felt like he had something to prove after being in the Boardroom so many times.
Chris replies that he does, and that he knows that people have been saying that he’s got complacent, but he HASN’T, honest, and he tried dead hard. Liz looks on
like a proud mother. I kind of want these two separated now, just so I can determine to what degree she is carrying his hairy ass to the, to be honest, not that impressive level of competence he’s thus far achieved.
Lordalan then asks why Chris thought it was a good idea coming over to Germany making “traditional” German flavours whilst being English. Didn’t that come across as thinking they could do better at something off the cuff that the Germans have spent years mastering? Chris says he was just playing it safe – going for flavours the Germans were already familiar with. Lordalan looks moderately mollified by this answer.
Next we cover the appointment booking process, with Jamie saying that their first booked appointment was at 10:30am, but they didn’t rest on their laurels before that, oh no, they HIT THE STREET. Mostly after being thrown out of dive-bars for offering the waitress/dancer/hooker a sample of their English twist on a German sausage. Lordalan then says that it seems to him that they
couldn’t tell the difference between the organ-grinder and the monkey, often ending up with appointments with totally inappropriate people. Jamie says that one time they did, but hey, she loved the crisps.
*golf claps* The task isn’t being scored on quality of crisps, as judged by the Saturday Girl in a Bagel Joint Jamie. Sadly. This rubbish answer causes Lordalan to go off on one
whilst Nick reads his magazine and Kaen trips out.
Apollo sold €135 to Carstadt, €7455 to Mike Sandwich, and €11737 to other vendors, for a total of €19327
Synergy sold €68 to Carstadt, €14289 to Mike Sandwich, and €3638 to other vendors, for a total of €17995
Lordalan coos that they got even more money off their own backs than from the people he sat on, so well done then. Nick in particular wants to give a shout-out to his girl Joanna, who was really firing on all 12 cylinders by the end of the day.
Not that she’s smug about it or anything. They’re told that their reward is a shopping spree in Mayfair in the boutiques of top designers, where they will be given a substantial allowance to purchase clothes, before getting to relax in a top Mayfair hotel.
Poor Stubags. The big reward for the series probably, and it’s BLOODY CLOTH MAGIC BEANS! They’re sent out and
do you think Laura has felt any sense of shame at any point in her life? Although Stella does softly sympathise with a “hard luck guys” as she walks out, so maybe it’s catching. Synergy are then dispatched, and told to have a chat (/mope around a bit) and then prepare themselves for BOARDROOM BATTLE!
To Loser Cafe they go, which this week appears to be just a canteen at Amstrad. Boo. Prison Cafe, or Non-Prison Cafe, I don’t mind which, but this is just cheap. Once in there Chris pulls major
Woobie Face. Outside
by the bins, he sighterviews that he’s been in the bottom three for three tasks in a row now, which doesn’t look great for him, but he hopes some of the things he’s done before will work in his favour. Never mind Chris, only one more in a row to tie the record. Held by Michael Sophocles. Auspicious! Back in the room he ponders philosophically that sometimes when you lose you think “if only that twat hadn’t done this” (LAURA), but this time, everyone’s done a good job, it’s just that Apollo did a little bit better. Poor Chris. He can’t think of anyone to blame. The heart, it bleeds. Meanwhile Jamie cockterviews that he
hasn’t worked with Chris on many tasks (half of them – the only person he’s worked with more is Stella), but he’s heard that Chris has been in the boardroom and lost a lot, so obviously he’s rubbish. And also he did the pitches to the major companies (on which the team pulled in more than Apollo did) so he’ll probably be the fall guy today.
Fun side bar : The following pairs have never worked together :
Chris and Joanna
Jamie and Laura
Stuart and Liz
FASHION! Chanel! Nicole Farhi!
George! Once arrived, Apollo get given champagne
and Stubags proclaims it to be washer fluid and throws it back in Nicole Farhi’s face. He then assumes the
bored boyfriend role as Stella, Joanna and Laura run around shrieking. I am appalled to learn that he wears the same shoes as me and the same top as my boyfriend. I actually feel dirty. Stella puts on a big coat, and twirls around feeling special, and Laura pronounces her “so suave”, sucking up so hard I think she might actually dislodge Stella’s sphincter. Stubags gets Joanna to guess the price of a boot
and when she gets it right (£800) proclaims that you could BUY A CAR FOR THAT PRICE. Maybe on the Isle Of Man. Laura does what every tedious person does in shops –
tries on sunglasses. Then we get to to my favourite part of this particular reward :
Joanna liking a hideous dress, and everyone trying to put her off buying it. For the first 5 seconds or so, Stella clearly thinks she is wearing it as a joke. Stubags laughs at the awkwardness whilst having a
crafty cushion-wank, so the girls grab him and force him to actually buy some clothes himself. He chooses
pretty much what he’s wearing already. Stella in particularly can’t believe that he’s actually bought anything, stalking up to him and guffawing that he’s got his jumper tucked in.
Cousin It ushers the candidates in, where they are greeted by Nick
looking particularly ragey over the fact that he has now followed the winning team EIGHT TIMES IN A ROW! This is TORTURE! Lordalan opens by saying that he’s sick of seeing the same old faces in the boardroom every week – it’s like turning up on holiday and see the same people year after year after year after year. Have they worked out yet where the task went wrong?
Chris says that looking at the numbers indicates that the door-to-door sales weren’t strong enough, because they managed to beat the other team on the major appointments. Lordalan agrees, stating that the other team had 9 appointments to their 6, and the 6 they got were pretty rubbish.
Chris asks, out of interest, if there was one appointment that stood out as being a particularly lucrative one for the other team? Lordalan replies that there was – the Marriott deal, and from what Lordalan heard, Christopher set up a meeting with them for Synergy as well. Christopher’s going
full drag-queen at this point, so you know he’s feeling guilty. It then gets brought up that Christopher was offered a 9am appointment and a 1pm appointment, and plumped for the latter. Chris then mugs all “this is new to me Lordalan”. I am so sure. Lordalan explains that the other team got in first and managed to secure a €5000 deal from it.
EARLY BIRD CATCHES THE WORM! Always take the earliest appointment possible. Why DID they take the 1pm appointment by the way? Christopher says that initially a 9am appointment was booked, but then Jamie pushed for a 1pm appointment. Jamie’s like
no I never. Never has a game of “bogey-finger” gone more horribly wrong. Cept the one that started off the Boer War. Look it up kids! Jamie squirms about and says he can’t remember, but he can’t imagine he would have done that, because, as Lordalan always says “early word catches the berm”.
I think you’ll find that one is one of Nick’s Jamie. Chris flusters about all wounded that he didn’t even know they could have got a 9am appointment, and then Liz hops in to explain to Jamie very slowly that if she and Chris had known about this then of course they would have gone for the 9am appointment. Jamis huffs and puffs and says he is in no way going to be the Fall Guy. Lordalan says that he’s going to be the judge of that thangyewverymuch. Jamie moans that he knows, he can just see which way this is going. I know, you’re being blamed for things you did wrong, or at least had a part in. THE HORROR!
We then move on to how, once they’d been told that the hotel manager wasn’t interested, Chris and Liz carried on trying to sell, in a frankly rather desperate manner, until security had to escort them from the building screaming “WE’LL DO HEDGEHOG FLAVOUR IF YOU WANT!” Chris says that he’d rather get some pity sales than no sales at all, and Kaen said that the hotel manager could smell desperation on him, and it wasn’t a pretty smell, like his normal smell of MAN and loveliness. *sigh* Kaen I think is a little in wub with Chris.
Next dealt with is the Bagel Shop Saturday Girl Farrago, where Synergy sold nothing, and Apollo sold €1213 worth of crisps, just because they spoke to the manager. Chris is frankly indignant about all this stuff he is hearing here
for the very first time definitely. He says that clearly the appointments booked weren’t good enough. Christopher disagrees, and says that he and Jamie set up some good orders with little shops – it was Chris’ fault for muffing the pitches to the big hotels. Chris reasonably points out that one was kind of muffed before they’d even started, thanks to him and Jamie.
Jamie then decides he wants to interject to say that there were 4 big pitches for his team on the day, all done by Chris, only 1 of which worked. Chris once again points out that there were really only 3 pitches, and of the other team’s two major orders, one was got because they’d got in first (thanks to Jamie and Christopher) and the other was because they’d spoked to the right person (unlike Jamie and Christopher). I really doubt that €1213 Euros was their second biggest deal of the day, even if you don’t count Mike Sandwich but whatever.
Lordalan then turns to Christopher, and asks him where he thinks the task went wrong. Christopher says that it was disappointing to lose. Lordalan says
no shit, I’m asking why. Christopher says that he just knows that he tried his hardest and upsold, and that Chris blew the pitch with the hotel. Sure the hotel managed said he’d already spent enough for the day but…ermm…they could have sold some. They had different flavours! Chris then says that he doesn’t buy that the manager would spend that much in one day on trial run crisps. Frankly I have trouble buying that he bought as much as he did, but that’s by the by.
Chris is asked who’s coming back for the Final Boardroom, and obviously it’s
Candidates go out, Nick calls Chris EVIL AND HATEFUL AND WRONG AND AWFUL AND TERRIBLE AND JUST WAIT TIL HE’S ON A WINNING TEAM, NICK WILL TEACH HIM A THING OR TWO, candidates come back in again.
We start with Chris, as Lordalan points out that Chris has been on six losing teams now, whilst his reh-soo-may says that he “doesn’t take losing well”. Well of course not – he’s sounds like he was privately educated. If he lost that meant he had to eat the biscuit. Alan asks
WOSSGOINON? Is he being sent a message to ditch Chris from a higher power? Ie the producers? Why is he such a loser? Chris replies that he’s not a loser, although obviously he is a loser by the terms of this process, but you know not IN LIFE. He doesn’t feel responsible for a single one of those losses. He was just unlucky in terms of the teams he was in. This prompts Lordalan to start yelling that there’s NO LUCK IN BUSINESS MY DEAR. Chris then weakly says he’s only in the Boardroom this time because he’s Project Manager. Otherwise he NEVER would have been brought in.
Maybe if Liz was Project Manager? They seem to be kind of mutually dependent at this point.
Christopher next, who is here for the first time, which Lordalan puts down to his being such a nice guy who gets on well with everybody. Oh, and he’s a hard worker, but at unimportant menial things like packing boxes and doing production lines and logistics. All of which is fine, obviously, box packing is a noble profession, Lordalan just isn’t hiring one. (*Monkseal draws a big line through one of the list of potential winners jobs*) (Only Data Input Clerk and flogging some variety of screen left now!). Christopher replies that he’s been working hard, and been putting his neck out. He volunteered to go to Germany despite not speaking German and hating the
BLOODY GEEERMANS! Lordalan’s all
“hang on, I’ve already got one front-tunner who’s been done for racially aggrevated assault…”, whilst Christopher blathers on about how he gave it his all and set up some really good appointents. He also thinks that everyone liking him is a good thing, because individuals in business deal with other individuals, so surely it’s good to not hate their guts. Tragically this is not taken as a point, so much as an excuse for Lordalan to putt out the world’s tiniest violin and cry for pity over the fact that nobody likes him, cept maybe his wife and family, and he does fine.
Christopher then sucks up, saying that that’s only because Lordalan is a straight talker who tells it like it is and to other people’s faces and who isn’t here to make friends, because it’s not called The Apprentfriends is it, JUST LIKE CHRISTOPHER DOES. Nice playing of the “I’m just like you Lordalan” card there.
Jamie is asked to beg now, and he says that
from the moment he arrived (on this Earth, to test me) he’s been making strong decisions, regardless of whether he was PM or not,
and when he was PM and was unfortunate enough to lose, he still made a Boardroom record. Which was then superceded by Chris. Who clearly Jamie is trying to get fired. Not the BEST Boardroom tactic in the world that. He’s asked if he thinks he’s a better candidate than Chris, and Jamie replies that on the basis of what he’s seen and the statistic to hand, yes. Chris goes
full poochy-mouth at this. Jamie says that he wanted to be PM, he did, but everyone just said Chris straight off and he never got a chance to volunteer as he totally would. Lordalan, being a mind-reader, is of course won over by this tack. This is Jamie of course, who PUT HIS HAND UP FOR CHRIS TO BE PROJECT MANAGER, he wanted it that badly. Chris breaks in at this point to say that maybe this just shows that everyone loves him and thinks Jamie is just a big doo-doo head, but Jamie says that he’s only speaking to Lordalan right now, so P’NEURR.
Jamie then describes himself as an excellent pillar and support to the people in charge. A lot of the times that he’s won tasks, it’s been because of things he suggested. Lordalan’s all “name one”, and Jamie says that on task 1, someone came to him for a decision on something, he thinks he had a dog with him. Might have been called Des?
Oh and he was 24 when he started his first business, and has done it for four years, and learnt SO MUCH LORDALAN.
Lordalan’s all “well that was a non-answer, try again. What have you don’t on this show that was so good?”. Jamie says “there’s been excellent gems throughout” and Lordalan’s all “nah, still not an answer”.
Chris gets the fire-tease, just because he’s lost so many times (Ruth Badger lost 7 times in her stay on the show incidentally, just saying) but leaving is
Christopher, because Lordalan doesn’t see any entrepreneurial spirit in him (/they cast him to be an inept army nutter, or a lovable squaddie, and he’s kind of been neither, and he was never meant to win anyway, so he can bugger off). Chris and Jamie are both told that Lordalan’s never wants to see them again, because the situation is becoming untenable.
Right make to the Apprentice Death Motel now, where Stella is
drinking, as you probably would in that company. As Chris enters, she groans that she thought he would have been a gonner. Chris drones that he really thought this was a make or break task for him but…it turns out not. *shrug* Stubaggs is all “look around you guys, it’s getting empty in here”. Stella thinks
not empty enough for my liking. THE DEATH FEUD CONTINUES!
Next week :
YAY! IT’s the buying weird things task! Oh how I have missed you…